Something's missing

...so I'll pray to St. Anthony to help me find that part of me that used to be so open in sharing my faith.

I think I lost it. Sounds funny, I know, but I've been wondering lately where it went. Maybe it's because I don't have certain people around me as much who would always be so excited to share what they were learning or experiencing with me (yes, Jaymee, that would include you!)...or who's eyes would light up when I'd talk about Mass or adoration. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I just...miss it.

All of you out there that check back every once in a while, I miss you guys. You know who you are, and I know you remember those times. I want to go back to the Disco at the Days retreat. I want to sit in the Anaheim Convention Center Arena and listen to Fr. Bill Casey give his blow-you-away homilies. I want to listen to Mother Regina Marie share her faith experiences at SCRC. I want to pray with people again...to hold their hands in mine and know that the Spirit is moving so powerfully within them.

Recharge. That's the word I'm looking for.

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be open to you.

I'm asking, seeking, and knocking.

And you’re just what I’ve been waiting for
To come and take me in
To grab ahold and take control and make me whole again
And if you need my everything
You can take it all and more
Just help me get back where we were before

I’ve grown numb to some things
Hunger for one thing
That takes me back to where it all began
I know we’ve grown apart
But every now and then
I just close my eyes and here we are again

- from "Where We Were Before" by Blessid Union of Souls

Don't get me wrong. Life is great and I'm really thankful for what I have. I am curious, though, to see where these next few months will take me. However it ends up, I've got to trust You with it.

"We shall never learn to know ourselves except by endeavoring to know God; for, beholding His greatness, we realize our own littleness; His purity shows us our foulness; and by meditating upon His humility we find how very far we are from being humble."
- Saint Teresa of Avila

Perfect in beauty, strengthened in prayer

"...we cannot achieve our human fulfillment without communing with God - and the deeper our prayer, the deeper our fulfillment. As Scripture puts it, we become "perfect in beauty" because of the divine splendor that is given in a profound communion with the Lord. In the very heights of contemplative prayer heroic virtue is given. One becomes awesomely strong. This is the reason saints possess a miraculous goodness, a level of living neither they nor we can attain ourselves." (excerpt from Prayer Primer by Fr. Thomas Dubay)

If I were a traffic sign

...I would be a YIELD sign.

I know some people prefer to be more aggressive, but I usually default to others just because it takes less effort on my part. If others insist on having their way, I let them have it. Stronger opinions than mine don't get much of an argument from me. When people ask me what I want to do, I pretty much just go with the flow. It's more of a laid-back mentality than anything else. (I think that's how I bring a piece of Hawaii to California since I can't permanently move there...haha)

Who needs more stress?

I'm definitely not raising my hand for that one.

Am I playing doormat? I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm not feeling it. I'm just trying my best with the cards I'm dealt.

Life is growing to be pretty simple nowadays and I love it. It's great to be able to have fun without doing much. Wherever we are at whatever time of the day, we're always given grace-filled moments.

I'm learning that the most important things in life aren't necessarily what makes everyone else around you happy. You've got to hold on to what makes you smile...and in my case, what makes you feel most alive and at peace. Because at the end of your life, that's all you'll really be left with.

We'll be asked by Jesus when we see Him face to face, "Do you love Me? Did you love Me while you were on earth? Did you let Me love you in the many ways I tried to show you?"

Nothing else will have as much value.

"If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I had to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever." (1 Cor 13)

One

One SONG can spark a moment
One FLOWER can wake the dream
One TREE can start a forest
One BIRD can herald spring
One SMILE begins a friendship
One HANDCLASP lifts a soul
One STAR can guide a ship at sea
One WORD can frame the goal
One VOTE can change a nation
One SUNBEAM lights a room
One CANDLE wipes out darkness
One LAUGH will conquer gloom
One STEP must start each journey
One WORD must start a prayer
One HOPE will raise our spirits
One TOUCH can show you care
One VOICE can speak with wisdom
One HEART can know what is true
One LIFE can make a difference.
- Author Unknown

Touching the garment of Jesus

What a great day...

I learned how to make a rosary!!! Pretty exciting for me because I never learned from Tito Johnny when he was alive. He was always after me about learning...so YAY, I know how now thanks to Carmen! I've never been the crafty type, but this is gonna be my new thing and I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing it. I tried crocheting when everyone else was into it. I tried scrapbooking but I don't have enough creativity for it. I'm not even gonna try to sew. But making rosaries I can do. =)

Also some personal messages from the REACH Confirmation retreat at SPC...

There is a cross waiting for me everywhere I go.

It never takes Jesus longer than a second to forgive me. He never says that He needs time to think it over. He never says He needs space to let go of what I've done. He just forgives because He knows that I'm weak and I don't think a lot of the time about how my selfishness or pride hurts Him and other people. Why can't I be the same way? With His grace, I can do the same. With His grace, anything's possible.

So I touched His garment and the bleeding stopped.

I looked up at Him blessing me in the montrance and realized that it was as simple as Him coming to me. I didn't even have to go up there. Praise God for that moment...for using Fr. Fernando to bring Him that close. I didn't know I needed it that much. Come to think of it, I never know.

Jesus really does send people. He really is present to us in so many ways...and I remembered today that I needed all of it. The praise and worship...praying over people...Mass...rosary...adoration...Scripture...images...personal sharing...serving in both big and little ways. It was a wonderful recharge. And again I knew that I was exactly where He wanted me to be.

So maybe I was only expected to be a chaperone...to pick up some snacks and to help serve the food...but I loved every minute of it! It was definitely an encounter with the risen Christ.

Okay, Easter was a whole two weeks ago, but things come a little late with me...hehe...

PRAISE GOD...PRAISE GOD...PRAISE GOD!!!

People change

...for the better...for the worse. I'm not sure if I'm any better than I was before, but I know I'm different. So I can't really look at the past and judge anyone for it because I sure wouldn't want people to look at my past and judge me for it. How do you know that someone's really changed for good? Time. If enough time has passed and they haven't reverted to their old ways...or if they're put in a high-pressure situation and they choose not to succumb to the same temptations. That's how I knew for me. I will still admit to breaking points, however, because it's very possible to "backslide". But I'll just take care of myself and not make anyone else my direct responsibility. When faced with situations I can do nothing about, I pray. I need to remember to do that more often.

I should be asleep right now.

Retreat tomorrow...

Keeping the end in sight

There is something truly enlightening about death. At the end of a person's life, he or she is seen in a perspective many did not care to take before. I have seen it with my own relatives and friends...and even with our Pope. There is a greater admiration for virtue, no matter how much their convictions were criticized while they were alive. There is a legacy left behind that inspires others to follow the same path or maybe pave one of their own with a certain "inherited courage" to make a difference in the world.

All of us struggle. All of us fall. All of us suffer. But those who shine like stars in the darkness are the ones who struggle through...who get up from the ground lifted up by the hand of God...who suffer along with Him all the way to the Cross. Pain with purpose is valiant. It is victorious. It is not, by any means, defeat. A defeated soul is someone who cannot find meaning in their suffering and curses Him who could relieve him but does not. I thank God for the models of patience and grace who showed me how to "win" this spiritual battle because it is much too easy for me to "lose".

When I someday utter the words "It is finished", I pray that I will look back and see how important it was that I held on to Him. I want to have lived a life enriched by the Spirit...using His gifts to bring the Gospel to others who don't know what it looks like...who don't know what it sounds like...who don't know what it feels like. I want to give them Jesus because nothing I have is more eternal than Him. Nothing I am can outlast His truth.

If only I can embody His life in my own, then the Gospel will be preached without my having to say anything. But God help me when it comes time to proclaim the Word and teach in love. It has been a few years since I last openly prayed to the Holy Spirit for an outpouring in my own heart. Dear Lord, please reignite the fire in me and grant me the power to witness in action...to use the gifts given to me at my Confirmation 14 years ago...

WISDOM...KNOWLEDGE...PIETY...HOLY FEAR OF THE LORD...COURAGE...UNDERSTANDING...RIGHT JUDGMENT

Let this be my act of love, not just my prayer. I beg of You. Amen.

AMDG + JMJ

"For God chose you from the beginning to be saved through true faith and to be made holy by the Spirit. To this end He called you through the gospel we preach, for He willed you to share the glory of Christ Jesus our Lord.

Because of that, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold to the traditions that we taught you by word or by letter. May Christ Jesus our Lord who has loved us, may God our Father, who in his mercy gives us everlasting comfort and true hope, strengthen you. May He encourage your hearts and make you steadfast in every good work and word." (2 Thes 2:13b-17)

From the heart of a servant

Prayer of the Holy Father at the Conclusion of the Rosary
(Esplanade of the Basilica of the Rosary, August 14, 2004)

Hail Mary, poor and humble Woman, Blessed by the Most High! Virgin of hope, dawn of a new era, we join in your song of praise, to celebrate the Lord’s mercy, to proclaim the coming of the Kingdom and the full liberation of humanity.

Hail Mary, lowly handmaid of the Lord, Glorious Mother of Christ! Faithful Virgin, holy dwelling-place of the Word, teach us to persevere in listening to the Word, and to be docile to the voice of the Spirit, attentive to his promptings in the depths of our conscience and to his manifestations in the events of history.

Hail Mary, Woman of sorrows, Mother of the living! Virgin spouse beneath the Cross, the new Eve, be our guide along the paths of the world. Teach us to experience and to spread the love of Christ, to stand with you before the innumerable crosses on which your Son is still crucified.

Hail Mary, woman of faith, First of the disciples! Virgin Mother of the Church, help us always to account for the hope that is in us, with trust in human goodness and the Father’s love. Teach us to build up the world beginning from within: in the depths of silence and prayer, in the joy of fraternal love, in the unique fruitfulness of the Cross.

Holy Mary, Mother of believers, Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us. Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At work yesterday afternoon, I was asked, "Who do you think is more important - Mary or Pope John Paul II?" It took me less than a second to answer, "Mary, of course."

Pope John Paul II was made leader of the Catholic Church because he knew who she really was. Perhaps the other cardinals who elected him were not aware of his deep devotion to her and how much it would affect the course of action he would take with the Church and with his own life, but God knew.

People wouldn't be calling him a living saint or "John Paul the Great" without her influence.

This is what was so inspiring about him. Our Holy Father was humble enough to submit himself to the direction of Mary, the Mother of God. He gave everything to Him through her and consecrated all of us to her Immaculate Heart because that's just how much we all meant to him.

Being at Mass yesterday for the feast of the Annunciation reminded me again of "FIAT" - hers...his...and mine - and what that meant for my life today. I needed to remember to also offer all to Jesus through Mary...that she would bless each gift with her gentle hands and lift up every petition towards His heart.

It's been so long since I truly depended on God alone. I think that's why I've been so exhausted. Going at life all by myself without actively seeking His grace really taxes the soul. My resources have been depleted for years - at least all that I thought I had to my name in the emotional and spiritual sense. All along, however, I had nothing to truly call my own because He has been the One to sustain me. So even when I thought it was me, it really wasn't.

What exactly is it that He's calling me back to?

LOVE...the only thing that ever matters.

He wants me to believe again that He loves me...and it's funny how He chooses to show me. Well, not really funny. I knew it would come to me someday in this form. I'd written about it in many a blog entry over the last few years. Then suddenly, a few days ago, I heard the words of Jesus on the cross in a form I didn't quite expect...

"I would rather suffer the greater pain of emptiness and loss than have you go through it."

I know this is not something totally within your control, but for you to even desire to keep me from suffering more than you sounded so much like Him. He chose to get on that Cross even though He knew full well that we were the ones who belonged on it. So you asked me why you love me so much, and I couldn't give you an answer...but God says, "Because I taught you how."

It's the only explanation that I can find. None of this would be possible without Him. The experiences...the trials...the blessings...meeting to find that all the pieces just fit together...the lessons both past and present that continue to teach us about who He has been and who He will always be for us.

When one has worked so hard to build walls around his or her heart, life becomes a prison instead of an open field. That's what it began to feel like for me, though I started feeling quite comfortable in my "cell". I could just watch people walk by...talk to them when they came to visit...maybe look out the barred window and try to remember what it felt like to love freely. Even if I lost my freedom or somehow gave it up, I preferred my situation because staying in it was less painful than the experience of being thrown in again.

Now here you are with the keys from God coming to unlock the door. No one ever came to visit me with a set of keys before. I guess you wondered why He gave you so many. Little did you know that there was a series of chambers you'd have to pass through before you could even get within arms distance of me.

Praise God for your perseverance.

Maybe I should have written this on paper, but for some reason it's spilling out on the screen instead. It's possible that someone else out there can relate somehow, which often happens with entries that are so personal to me.

So thank you, Gary. Thank you for consulting all the right people...especially for going to God and Mama Mary so that they could guide you before you even met me. Thank you for going to the depths of brokenness to meet me where I was at and to find me with a smile on your face.

No one will ever really know how exactly or why, but I guess the most important thing is that you're here.

"There will be healing if you confess your sins to one another and pray for each other. The prayer of the upright man has great power, provided he perseveres." (James 5:16)

To serve, not to be served

"True holiness does not mean a flight from the world; rather, it lies in the effort to incarnate the Gospel in everyday life, in the family, at school and at work, and in social and political involvement." - Pope John Paul II

"May your lifestyle be worthy of the Lord and completely pleasing to Him. May you bear fruit in every good work and grow in the knowledge of God.

May you become strong in everything by a sharing of the Glory of God, so that you may have great endurance and persevere in joy.

Constantly give thanks to the Father who has empowered us to receive our share in the inheritance of the saints in His kingdom of light. He rescued us from the power of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son. In Him we are redeemed and forgiven." (Col. 1:10-14)

Not Far From the Kingdom

"Knowledge will make you strong as death. Love Jesus generously. Love Him trustfully, without looking back, and without fear. Give yourself fully to Jesus - He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your weakness. Believe in Him - trust in Him with blind and absolute confidence because He is Jesus. Believe that Jesus alone is life - and that sanctity is nothing but Jesus living intimately in you; then His hand will be free with you. Give yourself unswervingly, conforming yourself in all things to His holy will which is made known to you through your superior.

Love Jesus with a big heart. Serve Jesus with joy and gladness of spirit, casting aside and forgetting all that troubles and worries you. To be able to do all these, pray lovingly like children, with an earnest desire to love much and make loved the love that is not loved...

Am I convinced of Christ's love for me and mine for Him? This conviction is like a sunlight which makes the sap of life rise and the buds of sanctity bloom. This conviction is the rock on which sanctity is built. what must we do to get this conviction? We must know Jesus, love Jesus, serve Jesus. We know Him through prayers, meditations and spiritual duties. We love Him through holy Mass and the sacraments and through that intimate union of love.

What is our spiritual life? A love union with Jesus, in which the divine and the human give themselves completely to one another. All that Jesus asks of me is to give myself to Him in poverty and nothingness."

- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

Knowing but not knowing

"Faith is a knowing beyond knowing. We know that God is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, yet this knowledge is also not knowledge. We are so used to dominating what we know and of putting it to use that knowledge which is beyond us makes us uneasy. Faith knowledge is like perfume: we know that it is present but we cannot control this presence, we can only receive. If you turn to the Lord right now, you will know that He is present to you, yet you will not "know" it because He is beyond knowing. Take a moment and gaze on His face. As you let Him purify you, you will see the glory of God shining there."
- from The Paschal Way of the Light meditation

We're not supposed to understand everything nor can we plan each detail of our lives. God has His own territory, and while He makes His graces available to us, there are some things we simply have to leave in His hands. It's hard giving up control but ironically it makes life so much easier. We don't know what's going to happen in the future or whether our tomorrows go according to what we desire for ourselves. We can, however, find comfort in knowing that "all things work for the good of those who love Him."

It is not is God's business to make us suffer, though He allows difficulties in order to bring about some greater good. He does not plan for bad things to happen to us...it is often a result of bad choices on our part or the actions of others...the tendency towards sin that makes our lives miserable. Our God is a God of joy and peace. He is a God of love. He wants to see us smile through both the sunshine and the rain. When we seek to understand everything, we often subconciously cannot accept that we are limited...that we are not God. Many times we just have to accept. Take and receive with the simple heart of a child trusting in the Father's goodness.

Dearest Mama Mary, St. Joseph, and St. Therese whose intercession we ask for every night, please pray that we will always live in the spirit of humility, knowing that it is only in God that every piece of ourselves, of our experiences, have meaning. You had modeled for us complete surrender to the will of God without trying to figure it all out because you knew His plan was beyond anything you could ever imagine for yourselves. Even in your darkest hours, you were still guided by His light...holding on to the hope of His promises. May we remember that He is always here with us...that it is He who works for our good...and that it is up to us to just cooperate with His Spirit, trust in His time, and move in His love.

Merciful Jesus, I trust in You.
Merciful Jesus, I trust in You.
Merciful Jesus, I trust in You.

AMDG + JMJ

"In showing us such kindness in Christ Jesus, God willed to reveal and unfold in the coming ages the extraordinary riches of His grace. By the grace of God you have been saved through faith. This has not come from you; it is God's gift. This was not the result of your works, so you are not to feel proud. What we are is God's work. He has created us in Christ Jesus for the good works He has prepared that we should devote ourselves to them." (Eph. 2:7-10)

The Passion Examen

Renewing my sorrow for past sins...



The Agony - I was asleep. He wanted me to keep watch with Him but I couldn't do it because I didn't realize how much He needed me. It was more important that I took care of my own needs rather than attend to the simple request of my God to pray. When I finally woke up, I saw how much He labored for me...how much anguish He endured because He was going to die just to save me.

Denial - Only concerned with myself, I remembered when I was afraid of what people would think of me...when it was easier to just deny my faith to fit in or to keep from "rocking the boat". Then He looked at me - and I looked at Him - and I knew how unworthy I was to even be in His presence and that of His Mother. But still...they still continued to suffer for me.



The Choice - Jesus or Barabbas? I say I would have shouted for Jesus if I was there in the crowd, but how many times have I rejected the goodness and purity of God for the filth of the world? Contaminated...too blind to see where true Life came from. Why? Because I was threatened by the changes I would have to make in my life if I followed Him. I couldn't do it...



Saving Grace - She called out to me...Magdalena...who reminded me of mercy and conversion...the hand of Christ reaching down to me, fallen and condemned...telling me to go and sin no more. I had never known a love like His before so I sought Him with all my heart because I knew it couldn't be found apart from Him.



The Plea - I heard her voice...Mama...telling me to remind the world of her Son's love so that His death would not be in vain. Her eyes begged me to stay close to Jesus and to remember that I belonged to Him, not to Satan...that I was created for Heaven, not for Hell. She still feels pain...her Immaculate Heart still pierced because we sin...because I do not love as I should.

And so I left with a new resolve to admit my lack of humility...

"Everything gradually has to be taken away from us some day so that we can only cling to God."
- Slawomir Biela, God Alone Suffices

Cutie pie

Ninang Em: Leilani, why are you so cute?
Leilani: 'Cause I'm a kid!

I love my niece.

Best things about her:

• sense of humor
• generosity
• faith
• affection
• all around cuteness

Favorite memories:

• watching Stations of the Cross at Mission San Luis Rey on Good Friday 2003
• going to meet Mother Angelica in 2003 (Feast of Corpus Christi)
• swimming at Sunset Beach in North Shore, Oahu
• sharing our love for the violin guy at Downtown Disney after eating pretzels and ice cream
• all the hugs and kisses before I leave for work

Unforgettable lines:

• "Tita B.anne, why does your car have ears?" (in reference to the sideview mirrors)
• "I can carry a little cross..."
• "I'm kissing Jesus' owies."
• (picking up her play phone) "I'm gonna call Lolo in Heaven."
• (showing me a picture of a little hand with red speckles and a hole in the middle) "Look, Tita B.anne, I drew this myself. It's Jesus' hand. I cut it myself, too. Here, you can have it."

What we love doing together:

• going to Mass at SPC
• playing at the beach
• watching Finding Nemo ("just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...")
• getting boba
• listening to my Jesus story CD on our drives to church

Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a great sidekick. She's the best. =)

Father, forgive them...and me

"I forgive you for doubting me. I forgive you for wishing the worst upon me. I forgive cause a man is not a man until he takes on God-like ways. I forgive but I will not forget." -50 Cent

There is no other way than the path to the Cross. I suppose you can try and run away from it, but it would lead you absolutely nowhere. I would rather climb the road to Calvary than to wander aimlessly for all eternity. Left with nowhere to go...I would define that as hell. Having no destination...no purpose...no home...no nothing.

Pick up your cross and follow Me.

Okay. I don't look for suffering but I accept what You have given me.

To be like Christ means to look up at that hill, not with fear, but with a resilience to be crucified upon it because we know that a greater good will come to us in the end. We don't seek the experience of the Cross but the sanctification that results from it.

When Jesus appeared to His disciples in His glorified body, He bore the wounds that would identify Him as the Crucified Christ.

This is who I am.

I, too, bear the marks, not on my body, but in my heart. Why? Because I also need to be reminded that it was these wounds that brought me closer to Him. Only then can I be grateful. Only then can I truly know who I really am.

I can't forget because to forget would mean to deny part of my life, a part of my own existence.

But I can forgive.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

You forgive me all the time, so who am I to withhold mercy from those who have hurt me?

If we see each other through Your eyes, how beautiful our relationships would be.

"A real love for others will chase those worries away. The thought of being punished is what makes us afraid. It shows that we have not really learned to love." (1 John 4:18)

What is love?

...and my heart says...

Sometimes you just have to be willing to take risks.

This new chapter of my story has been amazing. I'm happy right now and things are going really well. Nothing less than great so far.

There are days when I'm not as confident, but he makes up for it...times 10...so even when I'm scared, somehow deep down I'm still okay...somehow the smile would still manage to come out.

How is it that this is all happening to me? I don't know, but I'm just glad that it is. I'm glad that he's here...that God decided to wake me up and help me see the beautiful gift that had been in front of me all this time.

Dear St. Joseph, thank you for your prayers. My mom and Fr. Larry knew exactly who to direct me to when they told me to pray to you...and he's everything I've ever needed.

"And this is my prayer, that your love may overflow more and more with knowledge and full insight to help you determine what is best, so that in the day of Christ you may be pure and blameless." (Phil 1:9-10)

In the palm of His hand

"There is a given time for everything and a time for every happening under heaven. He made everything fitting in its time, but He also set eternity in their hearts, although man is not able to embrace the work of God from beginning to end." (Eccl. 3:1, 11)

Always what I need

THE GRACE OF THE RAISING OF LAZARUS

"It is not really a question of trust in God at all, for we want very much to trust in Him; it is really a question of our ultimate belief in His existence and His providence, and it demands the purest act of faith.

For my part, I was brought to make this perfect act of faith, this act of complete self-abandonment to His will, of total trust in His love and concern for me and His desire to sustain and protect me, by the experience of a complete despair of my own powers and abilities that had preceded it. I knew I could no longer trust myself, and it seemed only sensible then to trust totally in God. It was the grace God had been offering me all my life, but which I never really had the courage to accept in full. I had talked of finding and doing His will, but never in the sense of totally giving up my own will. I had talked of trusting Him, indeed I truly had trusted Him, but never in the sense of abandoning all other sources of support and relying on his grace alone. I could never find it in me before, to give up self completely. There were always boundaries beyond which I would not go, little hedges marking out what I knew in the depths of my being was a point of no return. God in His providence had been constant in His grace, always providing opportunities for this act of perfect faith and trust in Him, always urging me to let go of the reins and trust in Him alone. I had trusted Him, I had cooperated with His grace - but only up to a point. Only when I had reached a point of total bankruptcy of my own powers had I at last surrendered.

That moment, that experience, completely changed me. I can say it now in all sincerity, without false modesty, without a sense of either exaggeration or of embarrassment. I have to call it a conversion experience; it was at once a death and a resurrection."

- Fr. Walter J. Ciszek, S.J.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I read this passage tonight, every word cried out of my own heart the truth it had lived. I prayed tonight for the grace to die to myself so that I might sacrifice more than I have been...to make the leap of faith...to acknowledge my spiritual bankruptcy. I had lost faith in my own faith because circumstances have brought me to a place where I reached inside myself and found nothing. What could I trust in now, Lord? I asked. All I had left was Him.

Total abandonment to Divine Providence.

The emptiness that I feel is different from what I experienced years ago when I was searching for You. It does not carry the same aching pain. It's more of a thirst, if anything. I don't feel You as close as I did before, but I know You're there.

The desert...where it's just You and me.

I need to be here because this is where I am the most useful to those who You have given me to love. They need me to stay faithful, even if I don't receive the generous consolations You gave to me in the past.

Em asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell her because I didn't know. Now I do, at least a little more than I knew before. It's all necessary for me to see. Little by little You show me, and it is me. It's my brokenness that causes me to fear.

So Jesus, I'll trade my heart for Yours. Some time ago, I loved as You did, if only for a while...and then I got scared because I thought it hurt too much. Lo and behold, I discovered that it hurts more to try to love out of my power because I have none of my own.

Please, Lord, help me again. I really need to stick with it this time.

"Then you shall know that I am the Lord." (Is 49:23)

For you

"May He strengthen in you the inner self through His Spirit, according to the riches of His glory;
may Christ dwell in your hearts through faith;
may you be rooted and founded in love.

All of this so that you may understand with all the holy ones the width, the length, the height and the depth - in a word, that you may know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled and reach the fullness of God.

Glory to God who shows His power in us and can do much more than we could ask or imagine; glory to Him in the Church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever. Amen." (Eph. 3:16-21)

Words of wisdom

Love makes things easy. Patience makes everything possible.

The past is the past and you've got to grow up and move on.

It's no use making things more difficult than they have to be.

Ask God for help because you can't do anything by yourself.

Q: What does it mean to love another person?
A: Desiring more than anything that they get to Heaven

That's why You gave me the mother I have and had me come to SPC to meet Danny. Our elders have so much to teach us and remind us of when we forget what we've learned.

The messages were so simple, but it's exactly what I needed to hear.

Thank you...

AMDG + JMJ

This is My Prayer

by Erin O'Donnell

May the sun wake you everyday
With sacred words and time to pray
And listen to your life

Embrace each season as it comes
Always remember where you come from
Giving thanks to God

May you learn to just let go
And leave it in His hands
Find some peace down every road

I, know, I know, I know
That you wonder what your tomorrows hold
But I know, I know, I know
God will never leave you alone
He'll be there
This is my prayer

That you find friends that you can trust
Don't be afraid to fall in love
'Cause love is the one thing

That's sure as the stars are gonna shine
Don't ever leave your dreams behind
Stand up for what you believe

Take the time to see that good
It's everywhere
Find your passion, live in truth

As I breathe the air
I send this prayer
To God above
That you know that you are loved

A reason for everything

All things work for the good of those who love Him.

I love Him...and I fail Him...but He still loves me back no matter what I put Him through...so I keep loving Him no matter what He allows to me.

At this point there's one other soul out there whose presence in my life makes it all come together somehow.

All of that leading up to all of this. I can only be grateful. I don't understand it but I can only accept it. My past, my present, my future...with God...with everyone who has ever walked into my life...with those who are here now...with the ones who are yet to cross my path.

Just gotta keep on going. Giving up is not an option. It never has been. Please, God, that it never will be.

It hurts...

...to know that I've caused so much pain. It is so hard to forgive yourself, but I guess it has to be done.

I'm so sorry.

I never meant to hurt anyone, but I have. So many people over the course of my lifetime...people who didn't deserve it at all. For some time, I was their cross.

The past few days have been really difficult.

God is showing me exactly what I asked Him to show me. He's taking me through a part of my purgatory. I need to know what effect my actions have had, and it's taken me so long to see it. Some of it came this past weekend as I was reflecting back on the past few years, and then the rest eventually followed.

If I could erase it all, I would...but it's not that easy.

So how do I move on from here? I don't know. I think that's what makes it so hard. Maybe someone out there can help me. Prayers would be great...

Trust in His mercy.

That's all I have. Perhaps that's enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I picked up the Magnificat for the first time in a long time and found this meditation for March 1st:

FORGIVENESS
At the heart of community, as we learn to care for our brothers and sisters, there is forgiveness. Reconciliation is at the heart of community. To grow in love means that we become men and women of forgiveness, of reconciliation. The heart of the message of Christ, its fundamental newness, is the promise of an inner strength which comes with the gift of the Spirit, the Holy Spirit, the third person of the family of God living inside of us, so that we can forgive and be forgiven. When I say that forgiveness is at the heart of community, I do not mean we have to learn to simply say, "You're a nuisance but I forgive you." It means discovering that I too am in part the cause of your being a nuisance, because I have dominated you, hurt you, brought fear up in you, or because I haven't listened to you, or was not open to you. Forgiveness is not just saying, "I forgive you because you slammed the door." It's also: "I'm working on changing myself, because I have hurt you." We're all wounded people, and so consciously or unconsciously we can and do hurt each other. At the heart of a caring community is forgiveness, one to another. This is a principle of growth. We are forgiving each other because we yearn to grow and to become like Jesus.
~ Jean Vanier

Transformed lives

Things are different, Lord...so different than they were years ago. We're not the same people we once were. Ever since we gave our lives to You, we have survived on grace. Sure we still get tempted, but when I looked around the room tonight, I was filled with incredible joy. This is how I want to spend the rest of my life...serving You alongside brothers and sisters who are not afraid to stand up for what is good and holy.

Thank you, Servant's Heart, for allowing me to pray with you tonight. It was so heartfelt...so sincere...so desperate in the sense that we knew we couldn't pull this off without Him. Our community has been through so much, but it's times like this when I just see you all coming together with that "Heart of Worship".

The retreat on Saturday is God's work. He called us to it - hence the name "The Calling" - to encourage other souls to "leave their nets behind and follow Him". We may have our apprehensions and people may have their doubts, but we move in the victory of the precious Name of Jesus. Our message is His message. Like Em said, we didn't make this stuff up. As Jaymee reminds me, we're going toe-to-toe with Satan and all the lies he tries to feed our generation.

The goal of the day: TO HELP GET PEOPLE TO HEAVEN.

They'll know us by the love that we share and the Cross that we bear. Here we go, guys and gals. I say this to you and to myself as well. Do not be afraid. God's got this....

"Be strong in the Lord with His energy and strength. Put on the whole armor of God to be able to resist the cunning of the devil. our battle is not against human forces but against the rulers and authorities and their dark powers that govern this world. We are struggling against the spirits and supernatural forces of evil.

Therefore put on the whole armor of God, that in the evil day, you may resist and stand your ground, making use of all your weapons. take truth as your belt, justice as your breastplate, and zeal as your shoes to propogate the Gospel of peace. Always hold in your hand the shield of faith to repel the flaming arrows of the devil. Finally, use the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, that is, the Word of God." (Eph.6:10-17)

Vessels of clay

Thank you for the phone call, Leo. It was one of those brief I-know-you're-out-there-fighting-the-good-fight kind of "hello" phone calls at one of those weird times...yeah, you know...you always know...and one of these days we'll share stories since, like you said, it's been a while.

Things happen. We often don't understand why, as I was explaining to my boys today, but God always manages to bring about a greater good out of trials and suffering. I told Jay a while ago that had the struggle never been there, we might not have grown as close to Jesus and Mama Mary. That will forever hold true...

"We carry this treasure in vessels of clay, so that this all-surpassing power may not be seen as ours but as God's. Trials of every sort come to us, but we are not discouraged. We are left without answer, but do not despair; persecuted but not abandoned, knocked down but not crushed." (2 Cor 4:7-8)

People are people. We all fall short of the glory of God. We've all made mistakes. We've all had a part in crucifying Christ when we've hurt ourselves and those around us. And others have in one way or another with or without intention crucified us as well. The pain of loss, of rejection, of illness and death...it's all part of our human condition...the effect of Original Sin.

The beautiful thing about it all, though, is the opportunity to accept His mercy...to unite our crosses with His...that after Good Friday comes Easter Sunday...that victory is found in God alone. Out of a lunchtime conversation with Christian came the reminder that if we lived without Him in this life, we'd create hell for ourselves.

It's not worth ditching Calvary.

I'll climb with you, my Lord. All the way to the top. Again and again, as many times as it takes for me to get up each time my face hits the ground. Basta Ikaw, Lord...all this for You.

I gave away my last sacramental today...at least until the young heart is restored...only to be left with the God who lives in my own heart. Lent is a time of letting go of our attachments...of making sacrifices for God and for others only to draw us deeper into the perfect love of Jesus.

Please, dearest Lord, help me empty myself of myself so that I may be filled with only You. Each time I say no to You, I bleed...leaking grace...grace that can no longer be wasted. Time to get patched up again.

Confession tomorrow. I'm sorry, Lord, for not praying as I was made to...

"You are the letter. This letter is written in your inner self, yet all can read it and understand it. Yes, who could deny that you are Christ's letter written by us - a letter written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, carved not in slabs of stone, but in hearts of flesh.

With unveiled faces , we all reflect the Glory of the Lord, while we are transformed into His likeness and experience His Glory more and more by the action of the Lord who is spirit." (2 Cor 3:2-3, 18)

The sun shone through

I saw a rainbow today as I was driving my mom to Dr. Patel's office. I also asked God if He could clear the sky up for just a little bit, and He did. But the biggest blessing today had to have been my visit to St. Joseph's Catholic Book & Gifts. Gaby met my brother for the first time last week, who happened to come in by himself. It took me a few minutes for me to actually believe him...it was surreal. Met a new SPC friend named Ray who I'm sure I'll see again because he said he has something to give me. Miraculous Medals and St. Peter Chanel are always great conversation topics. =)

Worked the assembly line at Servant's Heart, Inc. in the crafts department. Productivity was at its peak tonight. Good on-the-job conversations with coworkers Robby, Calvin, and Alaine...haha. Got promoted to assistant under the supervision of Artistic Director Jaymee King. Thanks everyone for making it so fun!

Random thought...
I looked up and saw dark clouds on my errand run...thought they reflected the state of my heart...only in the sense that they held "Heaven's tears" to fall upon the earth for its own cleansing. I don't know why I'm so afraid of the rainfall...the downpour of my own tears, I mean. But it's true...sometimes you just have to let yourself cry.

"Peace be with you; I give you my peace. Not as the world gives peace do I give it to you. Do not be troubled; do not be afraid." (John 14:27)

He's been holding on

EDUARDO CERON
PER. 4

God, please help me to understand you. Sometimes I question you and don’t believe some of your teachings. The truth is I know it is the wrong thing to believe, and I truly wish that I didn’t feel this way. Help me grow closer to you in order not to drive myself crazy. Help me walk through the right path to faith and away from all questioning. If you are truly there, I know you have heard this and I know that I am being truly sincere. I just hope that you will help me, help me to grow closer to you in love, spirit, mind, heart, and faith. Please, I do want to be a part of your kingdom in heaven if there truly is one, and I want to be a better person in your eyes.
Amen.

Eduardo, I saw you last night and I didn't know what to feel. You were just sitting in my Religion class during 4th period on Monday, and little did I know that the next time I'd see you would be in the hospital with tubes all over you. Throughout the day I'll find myself crying...and then at other moments, I'll be bold enough to beg God for a miracle. Well, you know what? Whether you get better or not, I think we'll get a miracle anyway. It may not be having you come back to school flashing that beautiful childlike smile, but I believe that it just might be the restored faith in God that your life...that your prayer will inspire in your family and friends.

Your doubts and your questions were part of your journey, and they were a part of mine, too. Everyone knew you chose to stop believing in God at one point in time, but I knew you didn't totally leave Him. This prayer we read this morning was a witness to that journey...proof that, as I told your dad last night, even if we feel far away from God, God is never far away from us. Thank you for being one of my most memorable students...the one that I always watched carefully and prayed for...the one who was daring enough to ask because you really wanted to know who God really was.

So now we're waiting for God to make a decision. But whatever He chooses to do with you, we know that He's holding you close and won't let you go.

I have a feeling that I'll see you again sometime. God's mercy is too great to keep a heart as good as yours away from Him.

Until then...

Litany of Faith

JESUS I beg of You to place in my heart next to your heart that I may become one in You.

JESUS let your strength become my strength
your love my love.

JESUS may your mercy become my mercy
your compassion my compassion.

JESUS let your perseverance become my perseverance
your patience my patience.

JESUS let your kindness become my kindness
your forgiveness my forgiveness.

JESUS let your sorrow become my sorrow
your wounds my wounds.

JESUS as YOU come into our lives allow me to come beside YOU.

JESUS place my feet upon Your path and walk beside me.
As I carry my cross let Your strength become as mine.

O' Lord my heart sings for love of You
my life, my JESUS.

O' Lord let Your love come upon me to the very depth of my soul.
Reside within my heart for this then will become my refuge, my salvation.

O' Lord within Your Sacred Heart I shall find the doorway to Heaven
and it is in my heart
I shall always know You.

Lenten reflections

So I was praying that I'd find something to read and meditate on during Lent...something that would nourish my soul and give me the sustainance to carry me through the season...and God answered my prayers through Jaymee, whose blog I'd like to share with you if you don't read it already.

Jaymee's World
Dear Jaymee, thank you for your openness and your willingness to share the insights that Our Lord and Our Blessed Mother inspire in your heart. It is always a pleasure to be in your presence and to read how God is so carefully and lovingly forming your soul...

It's raining outside

I love days like today. I'll be going into work a little bit later, so since I woke up early, I thought I'd just let out some things I've been thinking about lately...

...like how my relationship with God has its ebbs and flows...sometimes full of sweet consolations and other times wrought with desperate dryness. I figured everyone goes though the same thing in one way or another because if we always felt close to Him, we'd be in Heaven.

I want to go to Heaven...but I can't yet. It's not time. I'm not ready. There's still lots to do.

Yes, so much to do.

How limited I am in this body...and I feel the strain...but there is always so much freedom in prayer. I experience that grace in the morning as I'm praying the rosary, during adoration at St. Dominic's, at Mass as I lift up my communion for others in the world, and each night as Gary and I pray for the people in our lives who need our intercession.

God is there. He always has been.

So the slight sadness I was feeling last night because I felt so far away from Him, I now attempt to relate to all the times Jesus must have longed to return to Heaven but chose to continuously say yes to His mission while He was on earth. I try to unite myself to the "holy tiredness" He felt when He was sought after...to His need to leave the crowds for a moment of prayer...to the love that brought Him back to them time and again because He knew they needed Him.

This will all end, and someday I, too, will utter the words, "It is finished." But in the meantime, I ask you, Lord Jesus, to please fill me with Your Spirit so that I can persevere as did the hundreds of thousands who have walked the long and narrow road before me.

It's true...there isn't much I can give them by myself alone. But with You in me, I can give them the greatest gift I have ever received...

...an encounter with God.

"My anguish has turned to peace;
You have retrieved my life from the pit of corruption;
You have cast all my sins behind You.
The living, the living alone can give You thanks and praise, as I do;
fathers will tell their sons of Your fidelity." (Isaiah 38:17, 19)

You are dust and to dust you shall return

Today begins another season of Lent. It seems that with the passing of each year, the sacrifice cuts a little more deeply and the temptations come about with more strength than they have in the past.

40 days. The topic of conversation around this time of year is always the penance that we are imposing on ourselves in order to free us of ourselves. "What are you giving up?" I've heard a number of different things from a number of different people. My own sacrifices during the last few years have been unique to my personal situation at the time because I've been more aware of the things or people I am attached to.

Nothing is to take the place of God as the center of our hearts.

"Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?"

"There is still one thing you lack. Sell all you have and give the money to the poor, and you will have riches in Heaven. And then come and follow me." (Luke 18:18, 22)

Let go of comfort and embrace suffering. Give up the pursuit of wealth for the virtues that grow in humble circumstances. Feed the spirit while turning away from the desires of the flesh. Serve rather than be served.

In the state of life that God created us for, we are each called to live the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. Dear Lord, can You please show me how? Please make this Lenten season focused on this lesson I must learn. For the vocation You have called me to, I seek to find Your face in the midst of the process. Please help me trust You through it, and give me the courage to accept whatever means You take to teach me.

All that matters is that we end our lives with Him. Praise God for you, Ei. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Here we go...

"As He returned from the Jordan, the Spirit led Him into the desert where He was tempted by the devil for forty days. When the devil had exhausted every way of tempting Jesus he left Him, to return another time." (Luke 4:1-2, 13)

"No true child of Mary is ever lost."

When I saw these words on the back of Gary's prayer book of Our Mother of Perpetual Help, my heart was filled with such great consolation.

It was an answer to a prayer I'd been lifting up for some time now...for those who I had brought to her in intercession.

Thank you. I really needed that message...

"You have remembered me, O God, and have not forsaken those who love You." (Daniel 14:38)

Kappa Interviews

There's a reason for everything, and this part of my life still lies within my heart...with the Greek letters Kappa Psi Epsilon engraved in its special place.

How I responded to Nancy's questions:

1. How do you forsee the future of KPsiE?
I pray that our sisterhood will continue to grow to become a solid organization of young women who believe that there is always hope despite the struggles that we face everyday...women who seek truth and justice...women who work hard to build bridges and break down walls in their relationships with others...women who are not afraid to be who they really are and not compromise the deepest part of their souls.

2. Do you believe you still use the things in your daily life that you've implemented in the mission statement?
Revolution of self is the one thing I think I'm always working on. A caterpillar cannot convince another caterpillar that it will become a butterfly unless it allows itself to be transformed first. You can't give what you don't have. I'm a definite work in progress...asking God to show me more of who He made me to be...to give me a better understanding of how the circumstances of my life have made me who I am today...to learn to love as He does so that tomorrow I can give more of that love than I did today.

3. What was your biggest struggle in forming this organization?
Finding myself in the process and facing some form of rejection because of it from my own sisters. The obstacles were necessary, however, because overcoming them gave me the chance to talk about how one would stay true while still respecting others who are different. Years later there has grown a mutual respect between us all and we appreciate the various paths we have all taken.

4. What has been your greatest accomplishment so far, Kappa or non-Kappa related?
Not allowing my "crosses" to crush me because I depend on grace to help me carry them. Each person, I think, goes through life allowed certain struggles that are a part of the journey. I can't really attribute my accomplishments to myself alone because I pray a lot and God has brought me to the point where I have to depend on Him for everything I do. So I guess the only thing I can take credit for is my "Yes" to Him, but even that He helps me give to Him.

5. What is your advice for my pledge class, who will eventually be the future of this organization hopefully?
Spread the Kappa spirit around to everyone you meet. It isn't limited to those young women who bear the letters. There will be many people in your lives who will never have the opportunity to experience what you are in this sorority, so teach them by your lives what it means to struggle for freedom...to fight against oppression...to find your inner strength.

"May He enlighten your inner vision, that you may appreciate the things we hope for, since we were called by God." (Eph 1:18)

The First Principle and Foundation

from the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola:

The goal of our life is to live with God forever.
God who loves us, gave us life.
Our own response of love allows God's life to flow into us without limit.

All the things in this world are gifts of God, presented to us so that we can know God more easily and make a return of love more readily.
As a result, we appreciate and use all these gifts of God insofar as they help us develop as loving persons.
But if any of these gifts become the center of our lives, they displace God
and so hinder growth toward our goal.

In everyday life, then, we must hold ourselves in balance
before all of these created gifts insofar as we have a choice
and are not bound by some obligation.
We should not fix our desires on health or sickness, wealth or poverty, success or failure, a long life or a short one.
For everything has the potential of calling forth in us a deeper response to our life in God.

Our only desire and our one choice should be this:
I want and I choose what better leads to the deepening of God's life in me.

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind. And you shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Luke 10:27)

Praise report for the day

Thank you so much, Leo, for sharing this. Definitely worth keeping as a sign of God's grace...

It is amazing to experience the Lord's undying grace. Today I was reminded of this grace through a handshake with Leo, leader of Liawanag Filipino Catholic Club at irvine, in which i was given a laminated card that he said was from Mary-Anne. A bit confused, i tried to recall what he was talking about. Then as I read the text on the card, my eyes began to glow and my heart rejoiced in happines. But, to understand the significance of this text, i must revert to an earlier time in the quarter.

Mid-Fall quarter, during one of Liwanag's meeting, Leo's friend, Mary-Anne, came to talk to the club. That night was an unforgettable experience for me. Mary-Anne told us the story of Saint Therese of Lisieux and how she seeked suffering to become truly one with the Lord. I was so shocked by Therese's life because all of us naturally avoid suffering, but maybe we are wrongly running from the desires of our lord. The other part of her speech though and the reason of this entry was concerned with the biblical definition of love. In [1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a] love is defined through this description:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Mary-Anne then told us if we replaced "love" in this definition with "Jesus" that the description would still be very truthful. However, she wondered how truthful the description would be if "love" was replaced with our own name. This question was both humbling and fascinating to me. I realized how there is so much to reach for to truly love the Lord. For days I constantly thought about the definition of love and how I myself fit into the description. Mary-Anne told us that we could print out the definition and try making a memento in which our name is apart of the definition. Through my own laziness and other unimportant thoughts, i never got around to doing this even though I have given this matter so much thought. Oh by the way here is what the card says:

Brenton is patient. Brenton is kind. He does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. He is not rude, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs. Brenton does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I was spiritually refreshed and emotionally uplifted to read this card. It knocks me off my feet to see God's love in action. And although i do not think they read this, I want to thank Leo for remebering my value for Mary-Anne's speech and to Mary-Anne for not only making the card, but also for her unforgettable advice.I'm not sure how u guys knew I really needed this and how much I really wanted it (not to mention that i never did it on my own hah) but I am forever thankful for this litttle card that will always be at my side. I promise to do my best to fulfill these admirable words.

Now i ask all my readers to take their own name and replace "love" in the definition. How truthful is the description? I am confident that most of it is VERY true because you are all such wonderful people. But we are all flawed! There is so much we can do to strive towards being a complete definition of this love. I wish everyone self-strength and self-truth. So Much...

For the readers, this card I gave Brenton was printed as an "accident". I was making these cards for each of the seniors for the KAIROS retreat back in November and somehow I made two of the same card (one of our seniors is also named Brenton). Remembering that Leo told me about how Brenton from Liwanag was touched by the message of "being love", I knew that it was no coincidence. So there you have the story behind it all. With God there are no accidents or coincidences...

There are no words

Dearest Father God,

When You want something to happen, You do everything in Your power to protect it. Take the life of Jesus, for example. He could have been killed many times throughout His life...in the womb of Mary because of her status as unwed mother...during Herod's slaughter of the infant males...instances during His public ministry when His message was much too "harsh" for some who heard it. Not until the appointed time was His mission completed. Your will comes with perfect timing. And when it's much too important to be compromised, extra grace seems to help it along to its fulfillment.

Last night You made me smile because I realized You were doing the same for us. He listens really well to people - a definite gift - but I think the greater gift is his ability to listen just as well to You. And I saw in his eyes complete obedience. It had to come from him, not from me. Plan C. =) That's why I have so much peace with this. Sure there have been questions, but You are doing such a wonderful job with the answers. I don't even have to go looking for them this time. All I have to do is trust You and there they are...

I pray that more people have this opportunity to be filled with this much of Your love. That they will get to the point of being amazed every day at how You weave their lives together and orchestrate every event in order to create something beautiful.

Very special intentions sit in my heart right now...for us, for my family, for my friends, my students, my coworkers. All I can be is grateful and give my own life over to You in prayer. That I know is one thing that I need to come back to, at least in the way that I was years ago. It shouldn't hurt to pray but it did for a while. It can't anymore. That's what I have to let go of...the pain I associated with being who I am...who I've always wanted to be...a living prayer.

So, Lord, please give me the grace again to love as I should...to accept others as they are but to pray that You will only draw them closer to You in their struggles and trials...to reach out because they are precious to You...to make them feel valued and important in this world. Please help me remember that Your mercy extends far beyond the walls of our churches...that You can work in the hearts of those in the world and lead them back to Truth but that it is up to us who know it to bring it to them with compassionate hearts devoid of judgment and condemnation.

Thank you. Thank you so very much for what You are doing for each one of us and for all of us together. What a beautiful day this is...

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me

Dear God,

You are really looking out for me. Thank you with all my heart.

Even if I had a hard time getting through this day, you always manage to bring some comfort to me through my coworkers - Fr. Scott...Br. Ortiz...Jana...Kevin...Greg...Kirstin...Maggie...Lupe and his Girl Scout cookies catalog. We're all so busy but it's great knowing that we're all in this together.

Class was pretty awesome, too. We did an illustration analysis of Jesus in Art and the boys participated really well. It was interesting to get their thoughts on the different faces of Christ...what kinds of feelings are evoked inside of them when they look at Him portrayed in so many ways. And today they were especially well-behaved, which I greatly appreciated. =)

The big highlights of my day had to have been: 1) stopping to talk to Freddy in the hallway for a bit and getting a smile out of him, and 2) Donald coming to visit me after school to give me a life update. If you met these two, you'd know why these moments were so special. I love my KAIROS group.

More to come later...

"I have not looked for anyone's silver, gold or clothing. You yourselves know that these hands of mine have provided for both my needs and the needs of those who were with me. In every way I have shown you that by working hard one must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said, 'Happiness lies more in giving than in receiving.' " (Acts 20:33-35)

There is more of Christ in this...

I should be sleeping right now, but I feel like there's a lot I want to spill at the moment. Good conversations today...one that had to happen, another to encourage me along my path, a third to make me grateful for past lessons, and the last to remind me that I'm not dreaming. Thanks, everyone...

Praise God for confession. I have to say that Fr. John emanates holiness. No wonder he's my mom's favorite. I don't usually go to him, but he said some things that I needed to hear again. Tonight - maybe it was because of where I was sitting...not in my usual spot - that I was brought back to the days when I first started going to SPC about 2 1/2 years ago...when I did go to Fr. John's confessional...when I'd walk by the statue of St. Joseph and wonder about the mystery of who he was for Jesus and Mary and who he was for me.

Now I'm in the same but different place, if that makes sense. Same people, different people. Leaving an old life but taking it with me somehow in a way that seems to help others move forward as well.

Dear Lord, each transition can be difficult for me, but you're right there holding my hand through it all. You are the one constant in my life...the one person I know who will always be who you've always been. That's why I love you...simply because of who you are. There has never been a moment when you walked away...when you had enough of me...when it got too hard to bear my cross for me.

And every day there you are present in the people I see...the people I meet with and talk to...the people I teach and minister to...the people who sacrifice their time and energy just to be Jesus to me. May I never forget where to find you. May gratitude always fill my heart when you reach out and touch me through the souls who share your Spirit with me...many times without even knowing it.

Be with the people I pray for. As we walk separate paths from each other, please let them know that you are traveling with them...that this life is only temporary...that if they think they're happy now, they could - if so desired - ask for things here on earth yet grow in knowledge that they have a place prepared for them in Heaven.

That's all. Always more but never enough time and never enough words. As each day passes, my somedays get closer and closer. But it was just good knowing that I could look back and say thank you. Maybe they will never hear me, but the prayers still go out regardless. Grace knows no boundaries...even breaking through the walls of the heart.

So, yes, I keep praying.

A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

Lying Awake

some excerpts from a novel lent to me by Fr. Scott...

At last the child revealed himself to the poor giant as Christ, and he said, 'You carried the weight of the whole world on your back when you carried me.' Sometimes we all feel that way when we share Christ's burden, we feel we are drowning in the sorrows of the world, but if we ask God for the strength to endure for the sake of others rather than just ourselves, we discover how powerful love really is.
(re: our own messiness and that of the world...more of a realization after conversations with Fr. Scott)

Adoration welled up through the pain, closing the gap between lover and Beloved. The force of His presence curved eternity in on itself; it was not her love rising after all, but His love pulling her toward Him. She fell upward into brilliance, where all suffering was released.
(re: today at St. Dominic's as I watched a woman place her hands on the glass around the Blessed Sacrament...the drawing of her to Him...hearts giving and receiving...with all of us as we sat and knelt before Him)

Self had been an illusion, a dream.
God dreaming.
(re: Fr. Larry's lesson to me a year ago..."You are a thought of God...a heartbeat of God")

The entire life of a good Christian is in fact an exercise of holy desire. You do not yet see what you long for, but the very act of desiring prepares you, so that when He comes you may see and be utterly satisfied.
(re: why He allows me what I experience)

God means to fill each of you with what is good; so cast out what is bad! If He wishes to fill you with honey and you are full of sour wine, where is the honey to go? The vessel must be emptied of its contents and then be cleansed. Yes, it must be cleansed even if you have to work hard and scour it. It must be made fit for the new thing, whatever it may be.
(re: there can be no residue of the past...I must allow Him to cleanse and heal me completely without holding on anymore to what I need to let go of)

"There is no middle ground when it comes to loving God. It's all or nothing."
(re: AMEN)

Writing had become as important as prayer to her - it was her prayer...
(re: yeah, for me, too)

Just for Jason

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Marianne
2. B.anne (pronounced "ba-nee" by Robby and "B-anne" by everyone else)
3. Anne Joy

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. banne15
2. godspaintbrush
3. alwaysjoy15

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. appreciation for people
2. nature-loving
3. God-loving

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i get absentminded sometimes
2. still not a fully recovered procrastinator
3. that i have a hard time adjusting to changes

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. filipino
2. chinese
3. spanish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. (see last survey)
2.
3.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. cross ring
2. guess watch
3. Medjugorje and Miraculous medals

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. tank top
2. pajama pants
3. ponytail

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
1. Ginny Owens
2. Oblates of the Two Hearts
3. Erin O'Donnell

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. I Will Be Here (sung by Em and Rob)
2. Take Lord Receive
3. Prayer for Generosity

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Road trip up north
2. Alternative Spring Break in Mexico
3. Learning to cook Jaymee's desserts

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. shared faith in God practiced in the Catholic Church
2. purity
3. trust

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (haha tricky...)
1. I served breakfast to the homeless this morning and had the greatest time doing it
2. I work in Watts and people think I'm crazy for it but I couldn't be happier
3. nothing phases me
*last one is the untruth...I have a very fragile heart...

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. eyes
2. smile
3. nice hands (sorry, that's the best way I can describe it...haha)

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. exercise regularly
2. stick to a regular prayer schedule
3. relearn Spanish for practical purposes (or maybe I'm just lazy)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
(same as jason's!)
1. going to mass
2. some type of church activity
3. sleeping! wooo!

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. go to Hawaii (I'm missing it right now)
2. have Tiramisu cheesecake
3. eat at Sushi Studio

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
n/a...I'm blessed enough to be doing exactly what I've always wanted to do as Director of Spiritual Formation/Religion teacher at Verbum Dei...praise GOD...yaaaaaay

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
(aside from Hawaii...)
1. Spain
2. France
3. Italy

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Meleana Grace (Lea)
2. Maria Therese (Marites)
3. Jaden Joseph

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. overcome self
2. embrace my cross
3. find God in all things

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS NOW!!:
haha...you guys already took it...I'm late on this one =)

Greatest joys

Being in Mass. Receiving Holy Communion. Absolution after a good confession. Praying the rosary. Sitting with Him in St. Dominic's adoration chapel. Seeing statues or pictures of St. Therese in churches and people's homes. Learning new Christian songs (thanks, Jason!...who gives me the best books, too! haha). "Interior sharing" with Jaymee. God-filled moments with Leilani. Long talks with Lyn-Lyn. Singing with Emeline. SH music ministry at full force. Teaching at St. Paul of the Cross, Verbum Dei, and St. Peter Chanel. Traveling with my mom. Going to the beach (North Shore, Oahu). Adventures with Jenn (a.k.a. "Sam"). Watching my brother paint. Random reconnecting with Leo. Making new friends. Being on stage with IR. Gary leaving me speechless. Praying with the Carmelites. Finding inspiration in my sisters' relationships with the wonderful men in their lives. Seeing people do what they do best. Soaring eagles. Blooming flowers. The violin guy at Downtown Disney and the altar server (I don't know his name) who also plays at Confirmation Mass. Rays of sun breaking through the clouds after a storm. Hearing my dad's voice. Listening to other people's stories. Running into those of the past who had been there as I was growing through life. Going on retreats. Sleeping next to Jesus.

Wow, sleeping next to Jesus. If only every night were like that...

"Let your soul find joy in the mercy of the Lord, and do not be ashamed to praise Him. Do your work within the appointed time, and the Lord in His time will give you your reward." (Sirach 51:29-30)

Random deflation

10 random things about me:
10. I love to travel but I will probably never live outside of Southern California
9. I'm really shy but I love meeting new people
8. Not very adventurous but love trying new things
7. Read a lot but can never finish a book (unless it's a really great novel)
6. Have so much fun on stage but would rather not be the center of attention in a conversation
5. Considered a leader but like being a follower
4. Get attached to people really easily but love to spend time by myself
3. I am the oldest but often feel like the little sister
2. Have a hard time following my own advice, even if it seems to work well for other people
1. I'm a walking oxymoron

9 places i've visited:
9. Florida (Palm Coast, St. Augustine, Orlando, Tampa)
8. Washington, DC (National Basilica of the Immaculate Conception + monuments)
7. Hawaii (Big Island, Kauai, Oahu, Maui, Molokai)
6. Carmelite Monastery in Alhambra, CA
5. California Missions (San Diego de Alcala, San Luis Rey, San Juan Capistrano, San Gabriel, San Fernando Rey, San Buenaventura)
4. Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio
3. Duquesne University in Pennsylvania (beginning of Catholic Charismatic Renewal)
2. Poland and the Czech Republic (re: Pope John Paul II, St. Faustina, St. Maximilian Kolbe, Infant Jesus of Prague, the Auschwitz concentration camp)
1. Our Lady of the Angels Monastery in Hanceville, AL to meet Mother Angelica

8 things i wanna do before i die:
8. Write a book
7. Backpack across Europe
6. Visit my parents' hometowns in the Philippines
5. Get a Master's degree in Theology
4. Learn the true value of suffering well
3. Live in complete joy and peace in the Lord amidst the chaos of the world
2. Offer every day as a prayer to God
1. Love Him more in other people, no matter how different I may be from them

7 ways for a guy to win my heart:
7. Make me laugh
6. Get along well with my family and friends
5. Devotion to Our Blessed Mother
4. Willing to put up with all of me in general...that entails a lot...haha
3. Be real and honest
2. Humble and self-sacrificing
1. Love God with his whole heart

6 things i believe in:
6. Heaven
5. Hell
4. Absolute Truth
3. Purity
2. Love
1. God

5 things i'm afraid of:
5. My own weaknesses
4. Being full of pride
3. Hurting people
2. Losing my mom
1. Losing God

4 of my favorite things in my bedroom:
4. My bed
3. My Bible
2. Pictures of Mama Mary, St. Therese and Padre Pio
1. My Scrabble frame of my dad

3 things i do everyday:
3. Pray the Rosary
2. Eat
1. Sleep

2 things i've been thinking about constantly lately:
2. Funny things that happen to me along this road called life
1. People I've been meeting who God has reserved and kept hidden until now

1 person i want to see right now:
1. I have to wait 'til Monday...

"Thank you" goes a long way

What an eventful 2005 this has been so far. January has been crazy, but a good kind of crazy...

Half of my major events for work have already passed. KAIROS reunion was small but from it we were able to pull our speakers and student leaders for the Sophomore retreat. I was very impressed with the guys and how they were willing to talk about the growth they saw in themselves since their Senior retreat in November.

The Jesuit Sponsorship meeting up north was GREAT for a lot of reasons. I was inspired...had the chance to network with the experts...got closer to my coworkers...prayed...enjoyed a beautiful view. And I now know how much more important my job is in the larger scheme of things. We have such a unique identity at Verbum Dei, but acknowledging the similarities and differences between us and the other high schools just confirmed that God put me - along with the others who came along - in the right place.

I missed my students so much while I was gone that when I came back to all their goofiness, I couldn't help but laugh and smile at who they were being for me. I really am growing to love my boys, just as I did with my 6th graders at St. Paul. Each life is so precious...so full of potential...that you can't help but appreciate them.

Sophomore Retreat went well today, thanks be to God. We had our "moments" but patience abounded, and I think that was most crucial to the flow of the day. It always blows me away at how open our guys can be. They really share life experiences and feelings that they struggle with - it's awesome. Now that I'm taking a step back and looking at the big picture, it was a pretty positive experience. For every student who had a good time, I thanked God because I know it was Him who answered my prayers for souls to be touched, even just a little bit.

Justine struck a chord with me today...a very spiritually deep thinker, that one is. He was actually the only one who didn't really know me because I don't teach him. Funny that he ended up with us because of an interesting encounter we had in August during student orientation. It was nice catching up with Tim in the Taco Bar line. Jason and James gave their 110% with all that they offered to the participants. Brett, Claudell, and Marlon really took the talks seriously and put a lot of thought into what they were bringing to our group. Charles, Ethan, Miguel, and the Kelly twins went out of their way to say thank you. Jesus and Aldo came to visit after school. It was - as Gary always says - a very blessed day.

So, yes, grace was flowing. I just had to open my eyes a bit wider to see it there.

And there is more...I just don't know how to talk about it, so I will imitate Mary as she pondered the gifts of God in her own heart.

"Now more than ever I understand that the trivial events of our life are ordained by God. I feel this very precisely: everything comes from Him." - St. Therese

My heart belongs to You

If you ask God to come into every single aspect of your life, you will never have worry or distractions keeping you from prayer.

Top 10 Life Lessons so far...

1) Always appreciate the little things (i.e., butterflies and squirrels at LMU, ladybugs landing on me at the beach, the view of Corona Del Mar coming down MacArthur Blvd., phone calls from the special people in my life just to say hi, watching Leilani genuflect...just to name a few)

2) It's no use trying to make everyone happy. God's opinion is the one that matters most.

3) Pray for whoever you can whenever you can. You never know how much they really need it.

4) Don't make major life mistakes twice. There's a reason why you learn the lessons you do the first time around.

5) Let those you are thankful for know how much they mean to you. They may not be there tomorrow.

6) Heartache is proof that you're human. You can't avoid it if you're praying to love as Christ does, so be grateful that He's giving you the opportunity to replace your own fragile heart with His.

7) Everybody suffers in one way or another. Complaining is not going to make a bad situation any better. Don't waste your suffering. Use it as a means for your sanctification or for the conversion of others.

8) God's will resides in the deepest recesses of your heart. You've got to listen carefully for the whisper of His voice, guided by the desires that give you the most joy.

9) You are Jesus to someone. You may be the only Gospel they'll ever read, the only encounter with God they'll ever have. Let them meet Him in you...through your touch, your listening ear, the kind acceptance in your eyes, the gentle words of encouragement that flow from the goodness and mercy of Christ.

10) He knows what He's doing. Try not to mess with the Plan. But be comforted that even if you do, you can always come back and He'll be there to fix your mess. It's just a lot easier to trust in the beginning and, like Mama Mary says, "Do whatever He tells you."

"But You, our God, are kind and true; You bear evil patiently and order everything with mercy. Even when we sin we belong to You and acknowledge Your power, but aware that we belong to You, we shall not sin." (Wis 15:1-2)

Miracle of grace

From an email I got from Fr. Greg yesterday:

"Since I´ve left St. Peter Chanel I´ve realized even more what an incredible miracle of grace is taking place there. There are probably few parishes like it in the whole world."

Wow, there you go. Saintmakers.

Jesse Romero said last weekend that going to Heaven will be like a big wedding feast you don't want to miss out on. A Saturday night party with no curfew. I smiled to myself because last Saturday night I happened to be at a party and I had such a good time seeing a lot of old friends and catching up with them.

Just imagine what it'll be like when we get to Heaven. Fun times for all eternity. This world isn't our home, but yet how generous God is to give us people who devote their lives to help us get there.

Fr. Ed said it to me last Sunday: "I want the best for you. I want the best for him. I just want you to get to Heaven and I will do everything I can to make you saints."

That's the real deal. The Oblates don't mess around.

"Be alert, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong. Let love be in all." (1Cor 16:13-14)

The love of God has come to me...

"...I want to pass it on."

That's part of a song I heard sung by the choir at SPC on Friday night during communion that made me cry. They sang it again today during the 11:30 Mass while I was talking to Fr. Ed in his confessional. How timely, I thought to myself.

I cried because I realized how loved I was at that church. I don't say this selfishly. It was just this deep realization that love is the best gift anyone can give you because when people really love you, they are giving you God. In SPC's case, you are given God and in that is how they express their love.

Fr. Larry was saying that Friday night Mass. There's always something about him...perhaps the presence of God the Father that is revealed to me through him...the way he lifts up the Eucharist and says, "The Body of Christ, Marianne"...how he would tell me over and over again, "God loves you so much"...all of which I'm sure he does with many other parishioners, but when it all enters my heart, his love is received as if it was reserved just for me.

Just like God...loving us all as much as He loves Jesus but pouring Himself into each one of us so very personally.

But it's like the song says, "Once you have experienced it, you want to pass it on..."

The only way I will ever be able to love another person is for me to fully accept myself as a child of God. As I've said before, I'd been searching for who I was, and throughout my life I've held so many labels: daughter, sister, friend, student, leader, teacher, girlfriend, mentor...all of which had their expectations for what I was to give. This one, however, begins as a relationship that is sustained by the ability of the child's heart to receive the gift of the Father. Nothing is required but open hands and an open heart.

It's so simple yet so difficult to do sometimes.

What has amazed me recently is the way He had been preparing my heart for probably one of the best gifts He has ever given me. This story is so multifaceted that I wouldn't even know where to begin. I am starting to see how all the threads of my experiences are being woven together into the tapestry of my life. Jenn was the one who pointed it out to me today. None of it made sense before our conversation but after we talked, it dawned on me.

"Maybe we're living out His plan?" he asked. Yeah, I think so. More and more "not-so-random events" are making it quite obvious, to say the least.

The Carmelites...St. Peter Chanel...PAC...Kappa Psi Epsilon...St. Paul of the Cross leading to Verbum Dei...all related through another life created for the purpose of tying it all together. I'm still filling in puzzle pieces for those who need me. Danny is my one big reminder of that at the moment as the spiritual father-daughter line continues. But maybe sooner than later is God handing me the part of my picture that Jesus has kept veiled under His cross.

I had always loved the saying that goes something like,"The weight of the cross bears down upon your shoulders, but its grace helps you carry it."

So I meet Jesus time and again through Gary, who embodies the three theological virtues of faith, hope, and charity. I guess I just had to be willing to embrace my own cross in order to find that the shoulders that would share the burden were right beside me all this time. So true is St. Therese's famous quote: "ALL IS GRACE."

"May peace and love with faith from God the Father and from Christ Jesus the Lord, be with the brothers and sisters. And may His blessing be with all who love Christ Jesus, our Lord, with undying love." (Eph 6:23)

I left because...

...I needed to "find myself". But in the process, I learned that all this isn't about me. To some people, it is. They say that it's about time that I get what I want after everything that I've given.

That's not really how I'd rather look at all this.

I'm coming back because I'm keeping certain people company. That's how I see it. Me being in the blogworld. How many times have I come and gone? Taken a break and found that I missed people too much?

No man (or woman) is an island. If you haven't noticed, I'm writing about two things at the same time. So thank you for allowing me to ramble. =)

I'm not here to get what I want. I'm here to give what I can...what I've always wanted to but never could...not in the way I was made to.

So here and there I open up a little bit more. It seems like I'm already a pretty open person, but that's not even the half of it. Like I told Jaymee, there's always so much to say that I have to stop and think about what I need to share because my mind runs so much faster than my mouth does. And plus my time is so limited with people that I don't want to waste my life away talking about things that don't really matter, so I kind of pick and choose what we (me and whoever I'm talking to) enjoy sharing the most.

Jaymee, I wish I could hang out with you all day! haha...just an FYI.

Oh, time to go. Gotta see if they need help painting banners for the game tonight. TTFN.

p.s. Thank you, Lord, for Fr. Scott and everyone else around here who has been such a great help. My New Year's Resolution - not to feel overwhelmed even if I have a million and one things to do...

So they say...

On any given day, we need to spend at least half an hour in prayer communing with Our Lord. When it gets really busy, then we need to make it an hour.

You need an hour. You're tired and drained, but it will do you much good to see Him. Go now and rest in His arms. Leave all your burdens in His hands, for He cares for you.

"Watch your step when you go to God's house; it's a better offering to listen, than to present sacrifices..." (Eccl. 4:17)

St. Liz's Anima Christi

Soul of Jesus sanctify me
Blood of Jesus wash me
Passion of Jesus comfort me
Wounds of Jesus hide me
Heart of Jesus receive me
Spirit of Jesus enliven me
Goodness of Jesus pardon me
Beauty of Jesus draw me
Humility of Jesus humble me
Peace of Jesus pacify me
Love of Jesus inflame me
Kingdom of Jesus come to me
Grace of Jesus replenish me
Mercy of Jesus pity me
Sanctity of Jesus sanctify me
Purity of Jesus purify me
Cross of Jesus support me
Nails of Jesus hold me
Mouth of Jesus bless me in life,
in death, in time and eternity in the hour of death defend me - call me to come to thee, receive me with thy saints in glory evermore.

Unite me to thyself, 0 adorable Victim ... life giving heavenly bread feed me; sanctify me . . . reign in me, transform me to thyself; live in me, let me live in thee, let me adore thee in thy life giving Sacrament as my God ... listen to thee as to my Master ... obey thee as my King ... imitate thee as my model ... follow thee as my shepherd ... love thee as my Father ... seek thee as my physician who will heal all the maladies of my soul... be indeed my Way, Truth and Life... sustain me 0 Heavenly Manna through the desert of this world, till I shall behold thee unveiled in thy Glory.

~St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

There you find God

BANDA ACEH, Indonesia - A massive American military relief operation picked up steam Monday, with U.S. helicopters dropping off cartons of food aid in Sumatra and warships with 2,200 Marines arriving in the Malacca Straits to ferry supplies to the tsunami-battered Indonesian island.

As the death toll around the Indian Ocean rim approached 140,000, a delegation led by Secretary of State Colin Powell and Florida Gov. Jeb Bush began a trip that will include stops in Thailand, Indonesia and possibly Sri Lanka. The White House also said former Presidents Clinton and George H.W. Bush will lead a fund-raising effort for victims.

"I'd much rather be doing this than fighting a war," said helicopter pilot Lt. Cmdr. William Whitsitt of Great Falls, Mont.

It is difficult to watch but more difficult to endure. Life is good for some...for others, it is a living hell. This is the reality of the human condition. The tendency is to brush off what doesn't directly affect us, and if it does, to want to harden our hearts against any more pain.

The only way that the world has survived so many heart-wrenching disasters is because people pray and God over time brings healing.

So we pray for not only tangible help, but for healing of hearts and spirits as well.

Many of the survivors wish they were dead. Loss of loved ones and an uncertain future has left them in so much despair, but somehow someway God still reveals His love and providence. Why wouldn't He?

You know the Father to be so generous and merciful. He takes care of His children. He seeks out the lost sheep. He cares for every single one of you because He made you. Whether you aknowledge Him or not, He is still there. It does not change His mind about loving you.

Look at how your brothers and sisters are reaching out with assistance. Through them, you see His presence...

Trust, child, in His mercy and love. For all ages, He has sustained His people. No matter how much devastation surrounds you, life is still beautiful because like Fr. Grace said last night, "In the faces of the poor and suffering, there you find God."