Everything is an offering

All of it...joys and pain...passing through the hands of Mary to Jesus who then gives it to the Father.

Tonight I look at myself and don't really know what to say. Maybe I don't have to say anything because I've said too much already.

We all stumble around, trying to figure life out, but sometimes you just have to accept that you don't have all the answers. You don't always know what to do in every situation. You don't always have the right words or the right attitude or the right anything. Everything you do seems all wrong.

But God...He still loves us. No matter what we've done...no matter how many times we've tripped and fallen down...He's right there with an outstretched hand, picking us up and drawing us into His arms.

How do I know this?

Because I see bits and pieces of His love reflected in my family. It's that unconditional support and acceptance...the love that flows so freely from their hearts, even if we have years of emotional struggle behind us.

I see it in the people who don't even know me, but do everything they can to reach out and say thank you, or to share their experiences with me because they somehow connect with mine.

It's in my friends who are always spiritually beside me carrying me with their prayers...who will see me through the thick and thicker...who do their best to understand the hard-to-understand in me.

It comes to me through Gary whose steadfast commitment has shown me that no amount of fear or doubt or worry can stop what God calls him to do for me. I hear the voice of Jesus as Gary speaks to me, saying, "I'm not getting off this cross."

So many graces abound, and it's my only protection from the enemy's attacks...graces that come through the prayers of everyone I know, prayers of the saints, prayers of Our Blessed Mother.

As much as I question...as much as the insecurities start to creep in, all of this love crowds the darkness out.

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TIDBITS...

• I saw a peacock today. Yeah, in real life. Like right in front of me.
• My mom is notorious for introducing S/saints into my life - through her I have met Mama Mary, Pope John Paul II, St. Therese, St. Gianna Molla, my dad, Uncle Tony, Auntie Vicky, Mother Angelica, St. Maximillian Kolbe, St. Faustina, and my brother and sisters
• I praise God for Joshua Harris and everything he believes in.
• Everyone has a story that seems so ordinary to them but becomes extraordinary to those who hear it.
• Prayers really do work...thanks, everyone.
• Sometimes what you plan is replaced by something so much better.
• Suffering well can get another soul into heaven and you might not even know it.
• Prejudging people is dangerous. Ask always for the eyes of God when encountering another human being.
• EWTN is the best channel ever...and it was founded on a miracle.

Thank you, St. Anthony, for helping me find the pieces of my broken spirit. This day was AWESOME just because I know that Jesus was with each person I saw and spoke to. I didn't even have to look very far because they were either a visit or a phone call away.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit as it was in the beginning and ever shall be world without end. Amen.

The Woman and the Wisdom

Taken from Tessa Bielecki's Teresa of Avila: Ecstacy and Common Sense

"St. Teresa was born with a warrior's heart locked inside a woman's body. This produced a tension in her so crucifying and yet so creative it tore her apart, then restored her to wholeness on the highest levels of human integration and intimacy with the Divine."

"Deep in her heart, she began to nurture a silent revolution."

"Through years of travel and trials, through enemies without and even within the Church and the Carmelite Order, through health that steadily worsened, Teresa's courage did not waver. Her warrior's heart was ever 'manly' and 'determined to fight.' She poured out all her energy and spent all her blood, her passionate love for Christ her King shining wherever she went."

"No wonder we have to pay what seems to us a high price," Teresa wrote. "The time will come when you will understand how trifling everything is next to so precious a reward."

"Her warrior's heart began to fail, and her pulse grew dim. She who had burned so long with the light of Christ, at last burned out for Him. She died on October 15, 1582, repeating over and over, 'I am a daughter of the Church.' "

WORDS OF THE FIRST WOMAN DOCTOR OF THE CHURCH:

• When you have trouble praying: "Go someplace where you can see the sky and walk up and down a little."
• "God and the soul understand each other....It's like the experience of two persons here on earth who love each other deeply and understand each other well."
• "Within us lies something incomparably more precious that what we see outside ourselves. Let's not imagine we are hollow inside."
• "May God deliver us from foolish devotions. Look at Christ who is looking at you."

CONCERNING HARD WORK AND VIRTUE:

• concern for others expressed in deed and not mere talk
• ego annihilation through hardy obedience and detachment from self-satisfaction
• trust and humility ' in the presence of the infinite Wisdom'
• have a good sense of humor and laugh at ourselves
• have a healthy dose of common sense
• eat well, get no less than six hours of sleep and take time to rest and recreate

Upcoming entries: Stages of the Royal Road along the spiritual path according to St. Teresa of Avila - BRAVADO; MISTAKES, RUTS AND ROADBLOCKS; DISILLUSIONMENT; SHATTERING; GLORY; DIVINE INTIMACY

Something's missing

...so I'll pray to St. Anthony to help me find that part of me that used to be so open in sharing my faith.

I think I lost it. Sounds funny, I know, but I've been wondering lately where it went. Maybe it's because I don't have certain people around me as much who would always be so excited to share what they were learning or experiencing with me (yes, Jaymee, that would include you!)...or who's eyes would light up when I'd talk about Mass or adoration. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I just...miss it.

All of you out there that check back every once in a while, I miss you guys. You know who you are, and I know you remember those times. I want to go back to the Disco at the Days retreat. I want to sit in the Anaheim Convention Center Arena and listen to Fr. Bill Casey give his blow-you-away homilies. I want to listen to Mother Regina Marie share her faith experiences at SCRC. I want to pray with people again...to hold their hands in mine and know that the Spirit is moving so powerfully within them.

Recharge. That's the word I'm looking for.

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be open to you.

I'm asking, seeking, and knocking.

And you’re just what I’ve been waiting for
To come and take me in
To grab ahold and take control and make me whole again
And if you need my everything
You can take it all and more
Just help me get back where we were before

I’ve grown numb to some things
Hunger for one thing
That takes me back to where it all began
I know we’ve grown apart
But every now and then
I just close my eyes and here we are again

- from "Where We Were Before" by Blessid Union of Souls

Don't get me wrong. Life is great and I'm really thankful for what I have. I am curious, though, to see where these next few months will take me. However it ends up, I've got to trust You with it.

"We shall never learn to know ourselves except by endeavoring to know God; for, beholding His greatness, we realize our own littleness; His purity shows us our foulness; and by meditating upon His humility we find how very far we are from being humble."
- Saint Teresa of Avila

Perfect in beauty, strengthened in prayer

"...we cannot achieve our human fulfillment without communing with God - and the deeper our prayer, the deeper our fulfillment. As Scripture puts it, we become "perfect in beauty" because of the divine splendor that is given in a profound communion with the Lord. In the very heights of contemplative prayer heroic virtue is given. One becomes awesomely strong. This is the reason saints possess a miraculous goodness, a level of living neither they nor we can attain ourselves." (excerpt from Prayer Primer by Fr. Thomas Dubay)

If I were a traffic sign

...I would be a YIELD sign.

I know some people prefer to be more aggressive, but I usually default to others just because it takes less effort on my part. If others insist on having their way, I let them have it. Stronger opinions than mine don't get much of an argument from me. When people ask me what I want to do, I pretty much just go with the flow. It's more of a laid-back mentality than anything else. (I think that's how I bring a piece of Hawaii to California since I can't permanently move there...haha)

Who needs more stress?

I'm definitely not raising my hand for that one.

Am I playing doormat? I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm not feeling it. I'm just trying my best with the cards I'm dealt.

Life is growing to be pretty simple nowadays and I love it. It's great to be able to have fun without doing much. Wherever we are at whatever time of the day, we're always given grace-filled moments.

I'm learning that the most important things in life aren't necessarily what makes everyone else around you happy. You've got to hold on to what makes you smile...and in my case, what makes you feel most alive and at peace. Because at the end of your life, that's all you'll really be left with.

We'll be asked by Jesus when we see Him face to face, "Do you love Me? Did you love Me while you were on earth? Did you let Me love you in the many ways I tried to show you?"

Nothing else will have as much value.

"If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I had to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever." (1 Cor 13)

One

One SONG can spark a moment
One FLOWER can wake the dream
One TREE can start a forest
One BIRD can herald spring
One SMILE begins a friendship
One HANDCLASP lifts a soul
One STAR can guide a ship at sea
One WORD can frame the goal
One VOTE can change a nation
One SUNBEAM lights a room
One CANDLE wipes out darkness
One LAUGH will conquer gloom
One STEP must start each journey
One WORD must start a prayer
One HOPE will raise our spirits
One TOUCH can show you care
One VOICE can speak with wisdom
One HEART can know what is true
One LIFE can make a difference.
- Author Unknown

Touching the garment of Jesus

What a great day...

I learned how to make a rosary!!! Pretty exciting for me because I never learned from Tito Johnny when he was alive. He was always after me about learning...so YAY, I know how now thanks to Carmen! I've never been the crafty type, but this is gonna be my new thing and I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing it. I tried crocheting when everyone else was into it. I tried scrapbooking but I don't have enough creativity for it. I'm not even gonna try to sew. But making rosaries I can do. =)

Also some personal messages from the REACH Confirmation retreat at SPC...

There is a cross waiting for me everywhere I go.

It never takes Jesus longer than a second to forgive me. He never says that He needs time to think it over. He never says He needs space to let go of what I've done. He just forgives because He knows that I'm weak and I don't think a lot of the time about how my selfishness or pride hurts Him and other people. Why can't I be the same way? With His grace, I can do the same. With His grace, anything's possible.

So I touched His garment and the bleeding stopped.

I looked up at Him blessing me in the montrance and realized that it was as simple as Him coming to me. I didn't even have to go up there. Praise God for that moment...for using Fr. Fernando to bring Him that close. I didn't know I needed it that much. Come to think of it, I never know.

Jesus really does send people. He really is present to us in so many ways...and I remembered today that I needed all of it. The praise and worship...praying over people...Mass...rosary...adoration...Scripture...images...personal sharing...serving in both big and little ways. It was a wonderful recharge. And again I knew that I was exactly where He wanted me to be.

So maybe I was only expected to be a chaperone...to pick up some snacks and to help serve the food...but I loved every minute of it! It was definitely an encounter with the risen Christ.

Okay, Easter was a whole two weeks ago, but things come a little late with me...hehe...

PRAISE GOD...PRAISE GOD...PRAISE GOD!!!

People change

...for the better...for the worse. I'm not sure if I'm any better than I was before, but I know I'm different. So I can't really look at the past and judge anyone for it because I sure wouldn't want people to look at my past and judge me for it. How do you know that someone's really changed for good? Time. If enough time has passed and they haven't reverted to their old ways...or if they're put in a high-pressure situation and they choose not to succumb to the same temptations. That's how I knew for me. I will still admit to breaking points, however, because it's very possible to "backslide". But I'll just take care of myself and not make anyone else my direct responsibility. When faced with situations I can do nothing about, I pray. I need to remember to do that more often.

I should be asleep right now.

Retreat tomorrow...

Keeping the end in sight

There is something truly enlightening about death. At the end of a person's life, he or she is seen in a perspective many did not care to take before. I have seen it with my own relatives and friends...and even with our Pope. There is a greater admiration for virtue, no matter how much their convictions were criticized while they were alive. There is a legacy left behind that inspires others to follow the same path or maybe pave one of their own with a certain "inherited courage" to make a difference in the world.

All of us struggle. All of us fall. All of us suffer. But those who shine like stars in the darkness are the ones who struggle through...who get up from the ground lifted up by the hand of God...who suffer along with Him all the way to the Cross. Pain with purpose is valiant. It is victorious. It is not, by any means, defeat. A defeated soul is someone who cannot find meaning in their suffering and curses Him who could relieve him but does not. I thank God for the models of patience and grace who showed me how to "win" this spiritual battle because it is much too easy for me to "lose".

When I someday utter the words "It is finished", I pray that I will look back and see how important it was that I held on to Him. I want to have lived a life enriched by the Spirit...using His gifts to bring the Gospel to others who don't know what it looks like...who don't know what it sounds like...who don't know what it feels like. I want to give them Jesus because nothing I have is more eternal than Him. Nothing I am can outlast His truth.

If only I can embody His life in my own, then the Gospel will be preached without my having to say anything. But God help me when it comes time to proclaim the Word and teach in love. It has been a few years since I last openly prayed to the Holy Spirit for an outpouring in my own heart. Dear Lord, please reignite the fire in me and grant me the power to witness in action...to use the gifts given to me at my Confirmation 14 years ago...

WISDOM...KNOWLEDGE...PIETY...HOLY FEAR OF THE LORD...COURAGE...UNDERSTANDING...RIGHT JUDGMENT

Let this be my act of love, not just my prayer. I beg of You. Amen.

AMDG + JMJ

"For God chose you from the beginning to be saved through true faith and to be made holy by the Spirit. To this end He called you through the gospel we preach, for He willed you to share the glory of Christ Jesus our Lord.

Because of that, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold to the traditions that we taught you by word or by letter. May Christ Jesus our Lord who has loved us, may God our Father, who in his mercy gives us everlasting comfort and true hope, strengthen you. May He encourage your hearts and make you steadfast in every good work and word." (2 Thes 2:13b-17)

From the heart of a servant

Prayer of the Holy Father at the Conclusion of the Rosary
(Esplanade of the Basilica of the Rosary, August 14, 2004)

Hail Mary, poor and humble Woman, Blessed by the Most High! Virgin of hope, dawn of a new era, we join in your song of praise, to celebrate the Lord’s mercy, to proclaim the coming of the Kingdom and the full liberation of humanity.

Hail Mary, lowly handmaid of the Lord, Glorious Mother of Christ! Faithful Virgin, holy dwelling-place of the Word, teach us to persevere in listening to the Word, and to be docile to the voice of the Spirit, attentive to his promptings in the depths of our conscience and to his manifestations in the events of history.

Hail Mary, Woman of sorrows, Mother of the living! Virgin spouse beneath the Cross, the new Eve, be our guide along the paths of the world. Teach us to experience and to spread the love of Christ, to stand with you before the innumerable crosses on which your Son is still crucified.

Hail Mary, woman of faith, First of the disciples! Virgin Mother of the Church, help us always to account for the hope that is in us, with trust in human goodness and the Father’s love. Teach us to build up the world beginning from within: in the depths of silence and prayer, in the joy of fraternal love, in the unique fruitfulness of the Cross.

Holy Mary, Mother of believers, Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us. Amen.

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At work yesterday afternoon, I was asked, "Who do you think is more important - Mary or Pope John Paul II?" It took me less than a second to answer, "Mary, of course."

Pope John Paul II was made leader of the Catholic Church because he knew who she really was. Perhaps the other cardinals who elected him were not aware of his deep devotion to her and how much it would affect the course of action he would take with the Church and with his own life, but God knew.

People wouldn't be calling him a living saint or "John Paul the Great" without her influence.

This is what was so inspiring about him. Our Holy Father was humble enough to submit himself to the direction of Mary, the Mother of God. He gave everything to Him through her and consecrated all of us to her Immaculate Heart because that's just how much we all meant to him.

Being at Mass yesterday for the feast of the Annunciation reminded me again of "FIAT" - hers...his...and mine - and what that meant for my life today. I needed to remember to also offer all to Jesus through Mary...that she would bless each gift with her gentle hands and lift up every petition towards His heart.

It's been so long since I truly depended on God alone. I think that's why I've been so exhausted. Going at life all by myself without actively seeking His grace really taxes the soul. My resources have been depleted for years - at least all that I thought I had to my name in the emotional and spiritual sense. All along, however, I had nothing to truly call my own because He has been the One to sustain me. So even when I thought it was me, it really wasn't.

What exactly is it that He's calling me back to?

LOVE...the only thing that ever matters.

He wants me to believe again that He loves me...and it's funny how He chooses to show me. Well, not really funny. I knew it would come to me someday in this form. I'd written about it in many a blog entry over the last few years. Then suddenly, a few days ago, I heard the words of Jesus on the cross in a form I didn't quite expect...

"I would rather suffer the greater pain of emptiness and loss than have you go through it."

I know this is not something totally within your control, but for you to even desire to keep me from suffering more than you sounded so much like Him. He chose to get on that Cross even though He knew full well that we were the ones who belonged on it. So you asked me why you love me so much, and I couldn't give you an answer...but God says, "Because I taught you how."

It's the only explanation that I can find. None of this would be possible without Him. The experiences...the trials...the blessings...meeting to find that all the pieces just fit together...the lessons both past and present that continue to teach us about who He has been and who He will always be for us.

When one has worked so hard to build walls around his or her heart, life becomes a prison instead of an open field. That's what it began to feel like for me, though I started feeling quite comfortable in my "cell". I could just watch people walk by...talk to them when they came to visit...maybe look out the barred window and try to remember what it felt like to love freely. Even if I lost my freedom or somehow gave it up, I preferred my situation because staying in it was less painful than the experience of being thrown in again.

Now here you are with the keys from God coming to unlock the door. No one ever came to visit me with a set of keys before. I guess you wondered why He gave you so many. Little did you know that there was a series of chambers you'd have to pass through before you could even get within arms distance of me.

Praise God for your perseverance.

Maybe I should have written this on paper, but for some reason it's spilling out on the screen instead. It's possible that someone else out there can relate somehow, which often happens with entries that are so personal to me.

So thank you, Gary. Thank you for consulting all the right people...especially for going to God and Mama Mary so that they could guide you before you even met me. Thank you for going to the depths of brokenness to meet me where I was at and to find me with a smile on your face.

No one will ever really know how exactly or why, but I guess the most important thing is that you're here.

"There will be healing if you confess your sins to one another and pray for each other. The prayer of the upright man has great power, provided he perseveres." (James 5:16)

To serve, not to be served

"True holiness does not mean a flight from the world; rather, it lies in the effort to incarnate the Gospel in everyday life, in the family, at school and at work, and in social and political involvement." - Pope John Paul II

"May your lifestyle be worthy of the Lord and completely pleasing to Him. May you bear fruit in every good work and grow in the knowledge of God.

May you become strong in everything by a sharing of the Glory of God, so that you may have great endurance and persevere in joy.

Constantly give thanks to the Father who has empowered us to receive our share in the inheritance of the saints in His kingdom of light. He rescued us from the power of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son. In Him we are redeemed and forgiven." (Col. 1:10-14)