Love at all cost

Once upon a time, I asked Jesus to help me love like Him. I asked Him if He could take my broken heart and replace it with His.

This week I was given the opportunity to truly love so many people in my life.

My husband.

My children.

My students.

Each of them was asking me to love them in so many different ways. All 111 of them. That's a lot of people.

I needed to forgive, to accept, to sacrifice, to hug, to listen, to advise, to even reach back into the darkness of my own past and draw out lessons that would teach them who they really are.

And today happened to be another one of those days that cost me. Like I told Mirella, I love these students of mine so much...I pour out my whole heart and soul into everything I do for them...and when they aren't willing to receive, it hurts. I get frustrated, and sometimes I wonder why I try so hard.

But I can't give them any less than this. Every day I choose to come straight home to my family and spend as much time with them as I can. Every morning I leave my family to serve my students and take care of educating them, forming them in the faith, praying with them, and sitting down to talk when they really need me.

Yes, I'm exhausted.

Yet St. Ignatius tells us not to count the cost.

At the end of the day, I am grateful. I'm grateful that God gave me enough grace to get through and love despite the difficulties. I'm grateful that I can still give even when I'm hurting inside or struggling with uncertainties about my own health. I'm grateful that I can still listen when I myself need to talk, and that I can remember the importance of "taking one day at a time."

I really need it to be June 16th, but I don't want these next few weeks to fly by without appreciating the reasons my students give me to stay at SJS.

What did Jesus do when He was this tired?

He went off by Himself to pray.

Maybe He wasn't married with two kids, but He sure did have A WHOLE LOT more "students" than I do. And they followed Him everywhere He went.

I can't imagine.

So I guess it's not so bad. It just means that I need to take a little more time by myself (or with a sleeping baby in my lap) to pray and REALLY talk with God. I've been too busy asking Him for stuff - mostly for other people - that we haven't been doing much conversing.

To the desert, dear Spirit. Please send me to the desert to pray.

Examen

At the end of my day, I find myself replaying every mistake and every blessing...asking myself how I could have done better and being grateful to God for His sustenance and grace. Sometimes I'm weighed down by incredible guilt over little things, and I suppose that can be good if it drives me to change. But I do have to literally cry out the name of Jesus so the bad feelings don't overwhelm me since I'm really good at being hard on myself.

I think in my own mind that even if I was awarded Teacher of the Year, I can do so much better than I have been. It's been so tough lately because in my heart I want so bad to be home with the girls, but after work I still have to grade papers, put together lessons, and make powerpoints. And yet when I'm at SJS I really enjoy helping my students learn about their faith. It was so much easier to be a teacher when I was single because I could devote more time to the school...but if I wasn't working, then I can be more present to my own daughters and care for them the way I think I should.

As God's will has determined, I signed my contract for another year at SJS. I was okay with it since I left it in his hands, and I was happy that I can continue working with my 7th graders as they move on to their 8th grade year. There is so much I want to do with them...so much they haven't yet been exposed to. They like to learn and they remind me every day why I came back to be a full-time teacher three years ago.

Maybe God's allowing me to stay at SJS so Gary is able to build a solid relationship with our kids. When he goes back to work, it will more than likely involve some traveling again and he may not be able to spend as much time with them. So if I look at it that way, I am willing to make the sacrifice right now. At least I have long vacations so I still get my chance to be home for part of the year, which is wonderful. And perhaps through all of this I will be able to better understand how Mommy felt when she was the main breadwinner for our family when Daddy couldn't work.

There is a purpose...actually more than one...and I'm sure God will reveal more to me later on. But like I told my two girls who didn't win the Student Council election, God has a plan and we may just have to wait and see what He has in store.

Made in His Image

I'm teaching the Family Life Unit for the 8th graders this week and next...and I'm not using a book because Scripture, CCC, JPII, Jason Evert, Pam Stenzel were better resources than any widely used "Family Life" books that were out there. Thank God EWTN decided to do a review...praise the Lord for Mother Angelica and her people.

The 8th graders wrote down questions for me the other day. After I was done reading and sorting them out, I looked down at Therese in my lap and said, "Wow, baby, these kids asked some really tough questions." Then she smiled at me with her sweet, comforting, chubby-cheeked grin, and it was as if God was trying to tell me that it was going to be okay.

And at that very moment I was SO glad that she wasn't going to be 13 years old any time soon...

Please pray for us! =)

+AMDG+

The Power of Love

I showed this video to my 7th graders today.

Like Karina said, you don't really see it as actors in a movie...it's as if you're watching the real thing...all the events unfolding before your eyes...the love of Jesus Christ poured out for every single one of us.

For the May Crowning Mass, I'm supposed to do a short reflection on what Mary means to me as a mother. So many thoughts come to mind... And I chuckle to myself because when I was pregnant, I really had no reason to complain because I never had to sit on the back of a donkey for 80+ miles to travel anywhere.

Mama Mary is AMAZING.

I will pray on this tonight...

Memories

Time has healed me, as over the years I have been wrapped in the arms of Jesus. I keep bringing my pain to confession because I've had to dig out the roots of my own shortcomings. It feels wonderful to be able to revisit old memories and not hurt anymore...

And looking back, now I understand.

Why I'm here

"...not because I get rich from this job, but because I love you guys."

The Weight of the Cross

At Therese's baptism some weeks ago, Fr. Sean said that we parents need to help our children carry their crosses...because if we don't they might be too heavy for them. It was such an eye-opener for me because my responsibility as a mom really hit home. As much as I don't want my girls to suffer or ever see them with a broken heart, I understand that unexpected things happen in life and someday they will know and feel very deeply the sorrow that I want to shield them from. Hearing Fr. Sean's message, I knew that the best thing I could do for them is what my parents did for me: teach them who Jesus Christ is and how He is powerful enough to bear any pain or grief or sadness.

Both my mom and dad taught me how to suffer. Granted that I still find myself complaining when I'm tired or frustrated, I try to remember the grace that they received from the Lord to bear their crosses. When my dad had a stroke, he fought for his life. He tried to stay as positive as he could because he knew he was able to get through it 40 years before. He could have died at the young age of 28, paralyzed and put on his deathbed, but he told himself that God could heal him and he did. Before his health took a turn for the worse in March of 2005, I would attend his therapy sessions and I would watch him work so hard to regain his muscle strength. I remember walking into the hospital, seeing him working with the OT and holding a pencil so he could learn how to write again. It was like he was a little child in kindergarten...my heart fell when I thought about how capable he used to be. But he never gave up, and he was so patient through the training we had to go through just so I could help him get in and out of the car, how to use the bathroom, how to get up out of bed.

Mommy has also gone through so much - losing her husband, her job, and her eyesight - those only being some of the trials she has had to endure over the course of her life. She has taught me how to trust in God...to know that He has a plan for us, even when we no longer have what means so much to us. When Daddy got sick, I watched her care for him at night and on the weekends after working at three different clinics. There was no break, especially when she still had four teenagers to raise. I saw in my mom Mary standing at the foot of the cross...through her love and service, our family was able to survive such a difficult time. The Eucharist was her strength - I knew this because she always told me that when no one else seemed to understand what she was going through, she would always pay a visit to the Blessed Sacrament and turn to Jesus because He would never abandon her.

If it wasn't for the faith of my parents, I wouldn't be where I am right now (literally, in my classroom at SJS). If it wasn't for their prayers, I wouldn't have given my own life to Christ and renewed my relationship with God. It was the foundation that they laid for me and my brother and sisters that allowed us to bear the crosses that we have carried and still carry today.

And so will I do for my own family. Yes, it's hard but what other option are we willing to choose? By His grace alone...through the love we have for one another...

Amen.

+AMDG+

Baby Think It Over

I used to work for March of Dimes a long time ago and would go to junior highs and high schools all over the OC with these dolls. This article makes a really good point...you can read for yourself...

Catholic Schools Rethink the Use of Dolls to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Especially when I'm back to square one with another newborn baby while trying to figure out how to raise a toddler, I have days when I honestly have to remind myself that children are NOT a burden but the greatest gift anyone could ever have. I hate that I don't always remember that when Gary and I are running off of just a few hours sleep each night...but this is where I've been during the past month and a half.

Don't get me wrong. I LOOOOOOOVE my little girls so much...even when Meleana is in time out and I'm having to hold her poor little screaming body at arm's length so she understands that she cannot talk back or do things she knows she is not supposed to do. I wouldn't trade the experience of being a parent for anything in the world. When I come back to the reason why I wanted to be a mother in the first place...how heartbroken I was when we lost our first baby...how much laughter and love our firstborn brings into our home...how our second daughter smiles at me with her chubby little cheeks...I thank God for all of it. ALL OF IT. Yes, even the hard days.

So basically what I'm saying is that we need to teach our young people who may be parents some day that while parenting is a HUGE responsibility, it is also an incredible JOY. I'm glad I got to read this article before putting my Family Life units together for my students in the junior high. I need all the positive messages I can get because exhaustion makes me...umm...not positive.

I wanted to do an update since the last post, but that'll have to wait for another day. Gotta get home to mi familia...

+AMDG+