"Sometimes you don't know what you're missing until you reach out to touch it. Sometimes you can't see how beautiful something is until it steps back into the light. And sometimes you miss a love you almost didn't lose. But when you need beauty, dreams and love the most you find them taken away from you. And when someone is drifting away from you, you feel it screaming inside your chest. Your heart feels numb and ignorant because the truest of love isn't easy. It's the worst thing in the world. True love breaks you, but you become real. When you are real and in love you will never be unhappy. You are only unhappy when you deny the truth held in love."- Anonymous

We all know people who are afraid of commitment...afraid of loving another person because they know in one way or another, it's going to hurt. Deep down inside, we all know what true love is supposed to be. It's about sacrifice. It's about giving up all that you hold on to for yourself and surrendering it out of love for the other person.

I've just come to realize that it's very possible to feel this way towards Jesus. But if we can bring ourselves to unreservedly place our heart in His hands, He'll change our lives forever. It's a hard thing to do because we don't know what'll happen to us. It's all over the Bible - the good fruit that'll come out of loving Him - but we're always asking ourselves, "Okay, generally for all Christians, this is good stuff...but what exactly is this going to mean for me?"

It's perfectly normal to be scared to return that kind of love to God...yet if you think about it, He actually made that kind of a sacrifice for us first...giving it all up...giving His very life...for you...for me. Heck yeah, He was scared, too, of what would happen to Him, but He did it anyway. Why? Because He was not going to rob us of experiencing the Father's great love, for it was through Jesus Christ that God the Father chose to reveal Himself to His children.

Most people wait for signs of liking/loving from another person first before making a move to advance in a relationship because they're not sure if their affection will be reciprocated. Well, in this case, God already showed us. He still does, even when we become indifferent or complacent on our end. We don't have to wait for Him...we already know. It's just up to us to see all the wonderful things He's done for us.

So guess what? A few years ago, I got to know this really great guy, Jesus. I've known Him for a long time, but it wasn't until I was in my early twenties that I finally saw Him for who He was. He'd always been there for me through the most difficult times in my life and shared the laughs and smiles during the good times. He's tried calling me a few times lately, but I've too busy to answer. Tonight, though, I decided to pick up and finally talk to Him again. I didn't say much...just listened and told Him that it was nice hearing His voice. He said He missed spending time with me, and I told Him that I was sorry for taking Him for granted. No hard feelings...there never were, at least on His part. We're starting over, and I decided to give Him another chance. Besides, I was the one who left Him time after time. His Heart hurt because of me, and He had every right to walk away...but He didn't. They call this "mercy"...another word for it is "LOVE". I don't deserve it, but to deny it would hurt Him even more. It's time to fall back into His arms again...

Ninni Quotes

"Look at, Tita B.anne...they're praying for Jesus because He got hurt...because He fell down because the cross is heavy."

Lyn-Lyn: "Where's Lolo?"
Leilani: "In Heaven with Mama Mary."
Lyn-Lyn: "Do you love Lolo?"
Leilani: "Yeah. And I love Mama Mary. How bout you, Mommy? Do you love Mama Mary?"
Lyn-Lyn: "Yes, I love Mama Mary and Jesus."
Leilani: "Me, too. I love Jesus, too."

"Look...the sky is pretty. Looks like blue windows."

"Why does your car have ears?" (pointing to the rearview mirrors yesterday when I was washing my car)

Leilani: "There was a spider in my cup."
B.anne: "Were you singing to him?"
Leilani: "Yeah."
B.anne: "What was his name?"
Leilani: "Spider."
B.anne: "Spider what?"
Leilani: "Spider Web."

Sorry to all those who have been checking my blog to see if I'd be back! Just flew in from Maui this morning - a little tired but I feel GREAT! I meant to post a blog about my trip to Florida but it got erased...boooooo! So I suppose I'll have to give you the highlights of both. I might have to continue later because I need to unpack and get some sleep...

PURPOSE OF THE FLORIDA TRIP:
To have Leilani meet Mother Angelica, the foundress of EWTN - the largest Catholic TV network in the world. She and my mom watch her on TV all the time and my mom promised her that she'd get to visit her at her house. When my mom makes promises, they always get fulfilled somehow...mostly I think because of her faith. I don't quite know if she actually thought we'd really end up getting to meet her, but deep in her heart, she must have believed it was possible.

HOW THIS ALL CAME TO PASS:
God hears Mommy's prayers once again! She called Auntie Vicky (my lola's sister) in Florida asking her when was the best time visit Mother Angelica, and we end up booking a flight on the spot during the phone call for Corpus Christi weekend (we are SO spontaneous, I LOVE it!). Auntie Vicky knew people from her parish in Palm Coast who were making a pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament and Our Lady of the Angels Monastery (Mother Angelica's house!) in Hanceville, Alabama. She said we'd drive up with them and spend a few days there for the Corpus Christi celebration.

Well, it just so happens that Tita Lud, one of the ladies who we went with, knew the two Filipina nurses of Mother Angelica - Tita Nellie and Tita Nel. They are both retired nurses who moved down to Alabama from Michigan wanting to volunteer somehow at the Shrine. That was the hook-up. Talk about God's Providence. We had a private audience with Mother in the parlor for about an hour. Leilani couldn't believe it...she was so shocked that she didn't even talk even though she had practiced what she was going to say to Mother when she came out. =)

THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS EXPERIENCE MADE ON ME:
Words cannot explain, but I will try for the sake of you, the reader.

The night before, Mommy and I had spent an hour in the Holy of Holies with the Blessed Sacrament at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church (Auntie Vicky's church around the corner from her house). I didn't care that we were tired from the flight and that it was late at night. I knew I just needed to be there with Jesus. We talked again with each other for the first time in a long time...I mean, really talked...and I really listened. At that point, I dedicated the whole week to Him and told Him that it was all in His hands.

Saturday morning Mass at the Shrine in and of itself was the first treasure I was given on this trip. I followed my brother in through the side door of the chapel and gasped in amazement. I can't even begin to describe the wondrous beauty of the altar and the 8-foot monstrance that stood high above it. The whole place commanded reverence. Throughout the Mass, I felt the healing within me take place, and I was finally able to rest in His arms. This is who I am...being here with YOU, Jesus. So far away from home, I felt so at home because My Lord was there before me, as though He'd been waiting for me to come all this time. Peace...I felt so at peace.

After Mass, Auntie Vicky pulls me aside and tells me that I need to write down all my qualifications so that I can put in an application for the monastery there. She said that she believed this was the reason for us coming to Hanceville. Mother Angelica is very understanding, she told me, and God may want you here. You can only imagine what kinds of thoughts and feelings were being stirred up inside of me - I was completely overwhelmed by it all that I started to cry. My heart had been wanting to rest somewhere...anywhere...for so long, and if this was really where I would find solace, then I didn't want to say no. God was opening up the door again to show me something. What that was, I hadn't a clue yet.

Still I couldn't help but be scared. Even if this was the community of my second choice after the Carmelites in Alhambra...even if they were Poor Clares who spent their days and their nights in perpetual adoration of the Blessed Sacrament...I was afraid that if I gave my yes again, God would allow me more suffering. I feared that He'd open the door just to shut it again, leaving me and many of those who supported me very disappointed. However, Fr. Ed's words rang in my ears all weekend: "Fear does not come from the Good Spirit, Marianne. God does not put it in your heart."

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you, was my prayer. How could I not trust in Him? He was obedient to the Father's Will out of love for the sake of many. I knew I had to offer back the same resignation...for it would be my continued sacrifice of thanksgiving for all the blessings He had given me throughout my life. Mother Angelica's message to me as she held my hand and looked into my tear-filled eyes was to "trust in God and pray...pray...pray..." That's all I needed to hear.

After reading her biography, I realized that suffering is part of who I am in Christ. Interior joy is the other part. If I can accept both, then I am a whole person. My journey has been quite interesting, to say the least, but I'm more at peace with where I'm at. There is no doubt that both orders will be integral to my life...however, for now, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be...with my family, with my friends, with my students and co-teachers at St. Paul.

From the outside, I may seem confused to others who haven't followed my story, but I'm okay with that. As long as I'm happy...as long as I'm serving from the heart...as long as I'm right with the Lord, that's all that really matters...at least that's what I've been told by those who know much better than me. For at the end of my life, I will be standing alone in front of the judgement seat with no one to answer to but God. Whose standards am I going to follow according to what is willed for me?

Some push me towards the religious life because it has always been viewed as the better path...by some, it is seen as the safer place for me. Others can't wait to see who I'll end up married to. I, personally, don't want to look that far ahead. For tomorrow has not yet come, nor is it ever guaranteed to us. All I have is today - this moment - and I can sincerely thank God for it because it - yes, this moment - is wonderful.

Serenity Prayer

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
the courage to change the
things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. Amen

30 SPIRITUAL THOUGHTS ON PRAYER

"Better far to love obedience than to fear the consequences of disobedience. Let your spirit have its freedom. The choices are yours to make." - St. Francis De Sales

Live + Jesus
30 SPIRITUAL THOUGHTS ON PRAYER
by St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane de Chantal

1. "It is truly by means of prayer that we learn the perfection of love of God."

2. "All persons, no matter what their state, must pray, for it is principally in prayer that God speaks to us."

3. "If you wish to do your duty well, you must pray to God; it is in prayer that we learn to do our work well."

4. "Prayer is the warmth of heavenly love. Prayer is the water of blessing which cleanses us of our weaknesses."

5. "All creatures were made to praise God. Everyone can pray and not one person can excuse himself/herself from doing so."

6. "Prayer is a discussion, a conversation with God, and by it we speak to God and God in turn speaks to us. We aspire to God and breathe in Him; and mutually He breathes into us and in us."

7. "Begin every prayer, whether mental or vocal, by recalling the presence of God. Keep to this rule without exception, and you will see in a short time how profitable it will be."

8. "Meditation produces good desires in the will and in the heart, such as love of God and neighbor, the desire to please God, to be of service to our neighbor, to be compassionate, to be merciful, and many other good qualities. These desires ought to open themselves up in our hearts and in our actions."

9. "You should try to pass from prayer to every kind of activity your state of life legitimately requires of you, even if these seem far removed from the desires you had in prayer. What I mean is that a lawyer must know how to move from prayer to pleading, the salesman to marketing, the married woman to the care of her family --with such gentleness and serenity that their minds are not disturbed. Since both prayer and our duty are according to God's will, then you must go from one to the other in the spirit of joy and peace."

10. Only one thing is necessary for praying well, and this is to have God in our hearts. This being so, our prayer is always well made, however we go about it."

11. "The secret of secrets in prayer is to follow one's attraction in simplicity of heart."

12. "The best prayer is that which keeps us so well occupied in God that we do not think at all of our ourselves nor of what we are doing. In short, we must go to prayer simply, in good faith, and artlessly, in order to be close to God, to love Him, and to unite ourselves to Him. True love has little method."

13. "You will measure the length of your prayers by the number of your obligations. Since it has pleased God to place you in a kind of life in which you have numberless distractions, you must accustom yourself to make your prayers short; but never omit them without great necessity."

14. "You say you do not have the time to make two or three hours of prayer. Who is telling you to? Recommend yourself to God in the morning and then go about your business, resolved nevertheless to raise your mind several times to God, even when you are busy or at meetings. What prevents you from speaking to God from the depths of your heart? Speak short words, but fervently."

15. "If you are not making long prayers while you are ill, make a prayer of your sickness by offering it to God who so loved our weaknesses that He crowned and glorified Himself with them."

16. "Distractions do not withdraw your soul from God. Nothing takes us away from Him but sin. The resolution we have made in the morning of keeping ourselves united to God and attentive to His presence keeps us always in it, even when are sleeping, since we do this in the name of God and according to His most holy will."

17. "Exterior reverence greatly assists the interior...We should keep ourselves in great exterior reverence as we pray, even if the prayer is made in private."

18. "In prayer, when our affections have already been aroused, we should not continue meditating and reflecting, but we should pause to enjoy them and from time to time whisper words of sorrow, of love, of trustful abandonment, and the like, to God, according to how we feel inclined. This is the best kind of prayer."

19. "When we find ourselves oppressed by dryness, we must offer the prayer of reverence, confidence and conformity to God's will, remaining in God's presence like a beggar before his king, uttering expressions of loving submission to his divine good pleasure."

20. "There is a certain way of praying which is very easy and very beneficial. It consists in accustoming ourselves to being in God's presence, but in such a way as to produce in us an intimate, simple and perfect union."

21. "Prayer has forces that triumph over nature."

22. "We should go to prayer with deep humility and an awareness of our nothingness. We must invoke the help of the Holy Spirit and that of our angel, and then remain still during this time in God's presence, full of faith that He is more in us than we are in ourselves."

23. "There is no danger if our prayer is without words or considerations, because the good success of prayer depends neither on words nor on study. It depends upon the raising of our minds to God, and the more simple and stripped of feeling it is the surer it is."

24. "Anyone who, when praying to God, notices that he/she is praying, is not entirely attentive to prayer. He/she is turning his/her attention away from the God to whom he/she is praying. The very pains we take to prevent distraction often work upon us as a considerable distraction."

25. "Anyone who is engaged in fervent prayer does not even know if he/she is in prayer or not, because the fervor of holy love is so great. He/she does not examine himself/herself but holds himself/herself fixed and fastened on God."

26. "The first advice about prayer is that anyone who wishes to pray, unless drawn and raised to God in an extraordinary fashion, must prepare for it by according to the phrase of the wise man: 'Before prayer prepare your soul; think of where you are going and to whom you mean to speak."'

27. "Prayer obtains from God more than it asks."

28. "First upon awakening in the morning, turn your thoughts to God present everywhere; place your heart and your entire being in His hands. Then think briefly of the good you will be able to accomplish that day and the evil you can avoid. Then kneel down, adore God from the bottom of your heart and thank Him for all His gifts and benefits He has given you."

29. "Often pray spontaneously to God, whenever you can, and in whatever setting, always seeing God in your heart and your heart in God."

30. "The end of prayer is our union with God, and that all who are on the way to salvation can and ought to pray."

31. "To pray is to raise the mind to God and converse with Him concerning our interests with a reverent familiarity, and a confidence greater than that of a child's trust in its mother, to talk with Him of all things both important and unimportant; it is to open one's heart to God and pour it out unreservedly to Him, it is to tell Him of our work, our failures, our desires, and all that is in our heart and to find our rest with Him as we would with a friend. It is what the holy scripture calls 'pouring forth one's heart as water before Him."'

Unselfishness with God

CHRIST: My child, do not look for spiritual consolation or interior good feelings in your prayers and good works. Serve Me for My sake, as I deserve, Let your service depend on My word, and not on any pleasant feelings which I may send you. If I gave interior consolation and joy for every good work, many a worldly man would follow My commandments for the sake of these gifts.

As long as you are in this life, you will be tempted by the blind selfishness of fallen human nature. Turn frequently to Me and let Me guide your self-interest. I desire your self-interest to be intelligent and well-ordered. Place Me above all persons and all things created.

I am far greater than all My works. I am your greatest Treasure! Seek Me above all else. Consider what I mean in your life. What do I deserve of you? What have I a right to expect of you? Can you draw your next breath or take your next step without My consent and assistance? Could you exist another instant if I withdrew My support? Only by facing these facts and living on them each hour of the day, can you give Me the intelligent service which you owe Me.

Spiritual consolation is only a temporary gift to encourage one who is earnestly trying to serve Me. This gift is not at the command of any man, and it will not be given to anyone who seeks it for itself. Such a person is too much like the man who seeks his entire happiness in the pleasures, satisfactions, and honors of this world. A frank and intelligent remembrance of your unworthiness will help you perform your prayers and good works without expecting spiritual consolations in return.

THINK: Jesus is right. I do not deserve the least of His gifts. I already owe Him so much that I should be glad to do His will, without looking for further gifts. He owes me nothing, and I owe Him everything. If He chose to leave me in misery and sorrow, He would be doing me no injustice, since all that I am and have belong to Him.

PRAY: Lord, I know you will never treat me as poorly as I deserve, as long as I am truly trying to improve my daily life. You will never be outdone in generosity. Each holy desire and every good deed of mine will be rewarded a hundredfold. You will not leave me in my misery and troubles any longer than is necessary for my real good. I have deserved little, but I need You and hope in Your help. Let me follow Your wise and holy will by seeking you first, and Your gifts only as far as You want me to have them. Amen.

Humility

"Basically humility is the attitude of one who stands constantly under the judgement of God. It is the attitude of one who is like soil. Humility comes from the latin word humus, fertile ground. The fertile ground is there, unnoticed, taken for granted, always there to be trodded upon. It is silent, inconspicuous, dark and yet it is always ready to receive any seed, ready to give it substance and life. The more slowly, the more fruitful, because it becomes really fertile when it accepts all the refuse of the earth. It is so low that nothing can soil it, abase it, humiliate it; it has accepted the last place and cannot go any lower. In that position nothing can shatter the soul's serenity, its peace and joy."
- from Living Prayer

"Ad maiorem Dei gloriam."
A.M.D.G.
"For the greater glory of God."

"We do find, it is true, great battles to fight, and great hardships to master; but that good Mother makes herself so present and near to her faithful servants, to enlighten them in their darknesses and their doubts, to strengthen them in their fears, and to sustain them in their struggles and difficulties, that in truth this virginal path to find Jesus Christ is a path of roses and honey compared with the other paths. There have been some saints, but they have been small in numbers, who have walked upon this sweet path to go to Jesus, because the Holy Ghost, faithful Spouse of Mary, by a singular grace disclosed it to them."
- St. Louis de Montfort, True Devotion to Mary

Hold your stone

"LET THE PERSON WITHOUT SIN BE THE FIRST TO THROW A STONE." - Jesus Christ

"Do not be afraid of anything that you are going to suffer. Indeed, the devil will throw some of you in prison, that you may be tested, and you will face an ordeal. Remain faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life." (Rev 2:10)