Resurrection

Basking in the spirit of Easter...

I haven't been blogging lately for a lot of reasons. One being that my laptop has been at SJS for two weeks, so it's forced me to take more time in silence to face myself without a whole lot of distractions. Do you know how hard that is to do? I'm so used to hopping on the computer whenever I have a free time, and when it wasn't available to me I didn't know what to do with myself at first.

I should've given up the internet for Lent. Given the fact that I was working when the season started, I didn't think it was possible...but I could've limited it to work purposes only and told my friends and family to just call instead of email. That's what I'll do next year (after being inspired by Jenn to plan for Lent 2010). In the meantime, I can at least stay off the computer a few days out of the week and use it when only absolutely necessary on those off-days. I'll figure something out. Feels good to be able to detach...

There's a lot to catch up on, and I don't think I can really cover it all. I think yesterday was most monumental, though, so I'll start there.

Last weekend, I told Gary I needed to talk to an SPC priest. I've been struggling in a number of major areas of my life - mostly in the way that I see myself...being afraid to fail...needing to trust God again...surrendering everything to Him...etc. Initially I planned on seeing Fr. Ed, as I usually do, but I decided that I would just go to confession and talk to any of the priests available. When we got to SPC, the big church was closed for repair so we went to the old church and found out that there was no 6:30 English Mass. The Spanish Mass began at 7:00 and since we were already there we decided to stay and just wait for our baptism class to start afterwards. Fr. Ed's homily was about living a life of holiness and being prepared to die at any time. He talked about the Angels pitcher who just recently passed away at 22 years old and reminded us that the saints were always ready to meet the Lord (that's how far my high school Spanish classes got me!). I was really grateful for the message because it helped me realized that my rut was keeping me from counting my blessings every day and doing the most I could to live the kind of fulfilling life God meant for me to have.

At 8:00, we attended the second baptism class for parents. Danny gave a talk about the 10 duties that Catholic parents have for their children. It was a great follow-up to the lessons I relearned when I was cleaning a couple of days ago (I'll have to post about that another day). I needed to hear again what we need to be doing for Meleana and Therese. As young as they are, they need to me immersed into a life of holiness...not neceesarily being taught extensive theological ideas...but learning what it means to love God through the example that they see from us, through the images that they see in our home, through the type of media we expose them to. We need to protect our children from any bad influences that come from the secular world and form their consciences so that they know truly what is right and wrong in the eyes of GOD. From their youth, we need to prepare them for Catholic marriage and foster any call to religious vocation that may come about. All things that I already knew, but I NEEDED TO HEAR IT AGAIN.

I forget so easily, therefore I get discouraged so easily...which is why I needed to talk to a priest. All the couples had the opportunity to go to confession, and I was so happy to see Fr. Larry to receive the sacrament. I wanted to talk to Fr. Ed, but God's providence always reigns supreme - Fr. Larry it was. As soon as he began advising me, I realized that at the darkest moments of my life, he has been the priest I end up talking to...not because I seek him out, but because he just happens to be there. Fr. Ed keeps me on the right track...Fr. Larry helps dig me out of the hole. Why? Because the first thing he always says to me is "God loves you very much." Now, he probably says this to every person he sees, but it's times like this that I need to hear it.

He went on to give me the encouragement I needed, and he said that I cannot let the devil take away my peace. How profound that statement was. Many years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide and it saddened me for days on end. I was working at Kaiser Bellflower at the time, and one pf the nurses there noticed I was down. Irene was her name, and she was very much like a younger Mrs. Triplett (from Verb). She sat me down and after talking with her for some time, she looked me in the eye and said, "Marianne, do not let Satan steal your joy." The memory is a very powerful thing...we store these treasures in our hearts and remember what is most important for our souls because in times of sorrow and darkness, these moments of grace come back to us when we need them most.

I always understood that we battle with the enemy when we fight against temptation and sin, but I forgot that we also battle with him when our peace and our joy are threatened by discouragement and doubt. I made a commitment not to lose, and I begged God for the grace of His peace...of His joy...of His presence in every aspect of my life.

I need Him to take over again. I really do. My salvation depends on it. The salvation of my family depends on it. The salvation of my students are so greatly affected by it.

At all cost...whatever it takes...we have to get to Heaven.

+AMDG+

Renewal

It's Holy Week. This has probably been one of the most enlightening Lenten seasons I have ever experienced. My soul went through a deep-cleaning of sorts, and I must say that I'm glad I finally let go of the fear...the shame...the guilt...the pride. I would imagine that somehow there is still some residue left, but when I start to notice the build-up I need to let God give me a good scrubbing.

Confession before Palm Sunday vigil Mass was so refreshing. I always walk out of the confessional feeling so much better than I did when I walked in, but there's something extra-special about participating in Mass and receiving Holy Communion with a clean heart.

Our second daughter, Therese Hope, was also born last March 13 at 3:17pm...another Lenten blessing. She is a beautiful baby and such a wonderful addition to our family. Meleana loves her so much! You can already see her taking on the big sister role: throwing away the diapers after we change Therese, giving her kisses and wanting to hold her. It's so nice to see her enjoying the presence of another child at home. =)




There have been many opportunities for prayers, sacrifice, and self-denial accompanied with abundant graces and blessings that I did not deserve. And so during the holiest time of the year, I renew the offering of my heart - as imperfect as it is - in a recommitment to the Cross so that my children may know who Jesus Christ is in the love that I give them, in the patience that I show them, and in the faith that I share with them.

"Be not afraid..I go before you always..."

+AMDG+