Welcome to the World - 10/14/07

Night Prayer

I'm up and can't go back to sleep...so much started filling my head...good things this time.

My fears have been getting the better of me lately, but I was just reading a couple of nights ago that being afraid and anxious, especially during the last stages of pregnancy, could contribute to a difficult childbirth. So I've been praying more...talking to Jesus...praying for our baby and letting the little one know that I love him/her.

The anxiety had driven me to call upon the help of my guardian angel as well, since we just celebrated the Feast of the Guardian Angels last Tuesday and it was a topic in 6th grade Religion this week. Leilani told me before I lost little Gary that I don't have to feel lonely when I'm by myself because I'll always have the baby and my guardian angel with me. Six-year-olds (at least this one...who is now 7 and growing) have great moments of inspiration to share when you really need them.

I miss my family.

Even though I love coming back to Culver City and going back to work to teach the kids, I get very reminiscent of the times I had with my sisters, brother, mom, and niece when I was living in Buena Park. Things are different now that everyone has their own families and their lives have taken on new directions, but at least I have these entries to read again and again to recall those memories that mean the most.

I've been too busy to update lately, and there's so much to thank God for these last couple of weeks.

• Lyn-lyn and Mike had their baby - Joseph Leo - on September 23rd!
• Jenn and Dave had their baby - Shane Matthew - on October 1st!
• My pharmacist at Walmart in BP is pregnant! She's had problems conceiving for a few years and having a miscarriage also...she's now due a month after me!
• Finding out that one of my coworkers at SJS who left last year is also expecting
• Watching another pregnant coworker's tummy growing very nicely =)

I've been praying for two of my classmates at LMU who are also trying to start their families - one who has been married for 6 years and another who lost her baby early on last year, too.

In a world that does not offer much safety and security for children to grow up in these days, it is very encouraging to see how much hope couples have to continue to want to be parents. Feeling my own child move within me and nearing the date of arrival, I make promises to myself and to God that I will do my best to raise him/her to love good and shun evil...and I become more aware that we need to give life a chance to flourish through souls who will shine His light. But what kind of future would we have if we never gave these children the opportunity to live? And so I also pray for parents who battle every day against society's negative influences and strive to protect the purity and faith in their families.

"It is not easy," my mom would tell me, "but it is definitely worth it."

Every day that I get up and teach my students, I renew the commitment I have to support the important role parents have to play in the formation of their children. I understand the challenges my kids face as teenagers, but I also advocate for their well-being and they know it.

This past Wednesday after the surprise baby shower from the SJS Faculty and Staff, I walked up to the backyard, only to find my 7th graders - amidst balloons, streamers, food and gifts - blowing party horns and yelling out, "HAPPY BABY SHOWER!!!" Two showers in a row...back to back...I think it took me a good 20 minutes to get over the shock. =)

One of the first things they handed to me was a letter from them to the baby to read when he/she is about 10 years old. I have to share it with you because it made me cry...

Dear Young Reader,

Class of 2009 wants you to know that you have an amazing mother. She has taught us so much and has been there for each of us as individuals. It is as if she is also our mother along with yours. As you grow up, you wil realize what we are talking about. Your mom will teach you everything that you need to know, just as she has done with us. We hate to see her leave for her maternity leave, but as she sacrificed for us, we must for her. Just know that if you follow the examples of your mother, you will be successful in life. Always remember that before you can get to Heaven, you have to live your life holy on earth. Learn from your mistakes, and know that God will always love you. Avoid temptation, for is can lead to sin, but remember that temptation itself is not a sin, for we are only human. Live life truly happy, and don't hold on to things; this means that fame and fortune aren't always the richest things. Carry love wherever you go, but don't be selfish, and share the love to those who need it. Listen to your mother, she loves you very much, and so do the people who have awaited your coming!

God bless you,

Class of 2009

My students are probably more excited about the baby than anyone else I know and I have to be grateful for their prayers and support. When my first year at SJS ended in June, I missed them so much...I think I had withdrawals for a week after school got out. They and my coworkers have been my family out here in LA, and I do love them all so much. It overwhelms me to think about how much greater my heart will expand when I lay my eyes on my own baby for the first time and see the joy on my husband's face.

With such a blessed meeting to look forward to, what reason is there to be afraid?

May God be with us.

+AMDG+

"It is not particularly difficult to find thousands who will spend two or three hours a day exercising, but if you ask them to bend their knees to God for five minutes of prayer, they protest that it is too long."
– Bishop Fulton Sheen

I think I saw a foot!

After school I looked down at my tummy and saw (and felt!) something protruding next to my belly button! I lightly massaged the area and the baby moved his/her foot back with the rest of his/her body. That was pretty cool. =)

The first week of school went really well. Aside from being a little tired and having swollen feet from standing all day, I must say that I am so glad to be back with the kids and my coworkers. I'm having a great time trying new things in my classroom and I'm looking forward to the many opportunities I will have to use what I learned in my Ed Psych class from LMU Summer Session.

I haven't had a teacher who has inspired me that way in a long time. Dr. Binfet sparked a new passion for so many different aspects of teaching that I am incredibly grateful for having been taught by him. This guy COMMUTES from Canada to Los Angeles just for his classes on the weekends, and now I see why the school does not want to let him go. Amazing man. He's a farmer and a principal of a small community school, and he has this way with people that makes you feel so comfortable and open to experiencing new things. I've always loved being a teacher, but now that love is reaching a whole new level...and that is exciting.

Good times.

I could use some ice cream right about now...

Streets of NYC

Lord, grant me the patience to remain silent when I would rather defend myself,
the humility to receive correction or advice that is given with the best intentions,
and the grace to know that I must always look to You in all situations and circumstances.
Amen.

******************************

"In the Catholic Church, you have to feed yourself. You have to go out and look for what it is that helps you grow."
- Dani Cullens

PRAISE GOD FOR THE EUCHARIST.
Food for the hungry, drink for the thirsty.
Gift from God, waiting for me to receive.
Jesus Himself.
It can't get any better than this.

How Do I Love Thee?

My relationship with God...I'm not sure exactly what about it is in question...at least in my own mind...but it occured to me in Mass this evening that I do love Him. I may not always feel His presence, but I know He's there with me...especially in the Blessed Sacrament. I think I'd just like to know why I am so hesitant and apprehensive...why I'm not confident in this relationship. Because I know He loves me. I know I love Him. Maybe I feel that I'm not doing enough for Him...that I have to make Him proud of me like I felt I had to make my parents proud of me when I was younger. I have to understand, however, that God is a little different. While I know that my mom and dad did love me and made sacrifices for my well-being, God is even infinitely more loving. If I make mistakes, He is always ready to forgive me and to give me the graces to get back up and try again. I don't have to worry about being a disappointment because He sees that I'm trying. He knows that I'm not perfect and He accepts that. And He's constantly calling me back into His arms, not as a judge but as a Father.

We truly do have such an awesome God.

I think I've been so hard on myself because I thought for so long that I needed to apologize to the world for who I am and what I do. I think I take constructive criticism pretty well if I know it's coming from someone who's rooting me on, but if it's harsh and condemning, it just hurts and makes me want to give up. Now that I'm a parent and have to make decisions with my husband for my own family, I'm seeing that I cannot wait for the approval of other people...for the pat on the back...for the encouragement to move forward in those decisions.

I'm learning...a lot.

Being married and pregnant have both taught me how to grow up. It wasn't that long ago when I honestly looked to my mom and my spiritual director to tell me what to do when I couldn't figure out God's will for my life. Neither of them would give me answers because they told me that ultimately my choices had to be my own because I'd be the one to live with the consequences that came with them. They both gave good advice...most of which I followed...but when I ventured off on my own and took a leap of faith to follow the promptings of my heart, I realized how important it was to know myself deeply and listen to the subtle ways God was guiding me.

Maybe I just had to become comfortable with the fact that I'm not a little girl anymore.

I'm a woman...a wife...a mother...a teacher. I can think for myself, but I'm not all-knowing. People will look at me and see either a lot less or a lot more than what I really am, but God knows what I'm really made of. And it's His opinion of me that counts more than anyone else's. I will not compromise what I know is right and just. I will not conform to the ways of the world. God be my help and my strength, for there will be many who will not understand. I just have to remember the responsibility I have for my own soul and those around me...to love, to forgive, to pray and to serve.

My treasure is in Heaven, and I'm simply making my journey HOME.

Another late night

Just finished another paper. Whew!

It's been a great week, studying-wise. I'm getting more and more motivated as I move along in my coursework...to the point where I'm starting to like my textbook and looking up journal articles. =)

I've also been doing a lot of additional reading. See below:

• Healing by Fr. Francis MacNutt (to reignite the fire for the charismatic renewal)
• The Exorcist: More Stories by Fr. Gabriel Amorth (for the nitty gritty on spiritual warfare)
• How Smart is Your Baby? by Glenn Doman (to prepare for the education of our little kiddo)
• The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding published by the La Leche League (for lots of wonderful and much-needed encouragement as I look ahead towards motherhood)

Basically my day goes like this...

7:30 Gary says goodbye to me and Baby and leaves for work

9:30 Wake up and eat breakfast. Then I pick up one of the books I'm reading

11:00 Get ready for Mass and walk to St. Augustine

12:10 Mass at St. Augustine with Fr. Rich (he's been there every day since last week...I guess everyone else is on vacation) + Rosary

1:10 Eat lunch and read again. Do prenatal yoga, if possible

2:30 Take a nap

4:30 Wake up and eat something. Then read/study again

5:30 Make dinner

6:30 Gary comes home. Eat dinner and listen to him talk about his day at work

8:00 Do homework

10:00 Get ready for bed, pray with Gary and try to fall asleep

My summer's been pretty simple. I do get to visit my family once a week and have school with Leilani and Elijah. Jaymee helps me while I teach them about the Great Saints in World History. We have a great time - I really enjoy it and I'm so amazed at how well they read and how much they understand about following God. Very fun. Leilani is so cute because she has to dress up in her St. Pius uniform every time. She calls it her "saint outfit". =) I love it. Can't wait to homeschool!

These days are the best, and I truly cherish them because my schedule will be packed again in August when school starts up again at St. Jerome. I'm a little nervous about how busy I will be once the baby comes, but I'm excited at the same time because at least I feel more equipped to face the challenges I'll have both in the classroom and at home. It helps so much to be going to Mass and receiving communion every day. Even if it's not perfect, life just seems more peaceful.

It's like I'm on retreat or something. =)

Another thought for the day from Gary: "Always look for the good in a situation and it will help you find the right resolution."

Good day

I got three hours of sleep last night, but life is good because...

• I didn't oversleep and I actually got to jury duty on time
• The Fullerton Courthouse had FREE wireless internet
• I didn't get called for the first round
• They sent us all home at 11:30
• I just finished my TPA assignment for LMU (the whole thing took me a total of 3+3.5+2+2 = 10.5 hours!)

Every time I've been called to jury duty I've been kicked out of the box for one reason or another. I guess the attorneys just assume that I'll be biased somehow. This time I was preparing to be called in to the courtroom again. I wasn't dreading it because I do find our judicial process pretty interesting, but I was really happy that I didn't have to leave the holding area and got to work on my project the whole time I was there. Whoohoo!!!

See, it's things like this that give me confirmation that God likes me...hehe...especially since I get summoned pretty much every year.

I'm just glad that I got done before the 5pm deadline. Gary sent me the following quote on Monday and I find it holding true for me and my schoolwork for this Credential/Master's program:

Remember that to do a good job you don't have to love what you do, just the desire to do it well.

I will admit to you that I do not like to study. I don't like reading chapters upon chapters at a time and having to write all these papers for school. But ever since I made the commitment to fully apply myself as a student during my last two years at Cal State Long Beach, I can't give any less than my best when I work. It feels good to try hard and to push through something that's difficult and challenging. That's what I expect from my students, so I should be able to follow through myself.

Of course I would rather be finishing my Master's in Theology right now, but this opportunity at LMU is definitely helping me become a better teacher. It's a rigorous program but surely worth the effort. I'm learning a lot about myself and my students, and I appreciate those teachers who truly know the meaning of good teaching.

That's one lesson I know Gary and I will be sharing with our child/ren. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and persevere, even when you're tired or discouraged, because God gave you the skills and the talent to do the kind of work that you do. I know Gary is good at what he does because he's making an effort to learn more on the job and outside the training room. He cares about his players, he prays for his coaches and coworkers, and he even takes what he's gained as a trainer and passes it on to friends and family who might benefit. It was nice to see him and Abie working out together almost every day last week when we were in Vegas. Great bonding between the two of them, and I'm thankful that my husband also cares enough about my brother's health to help him out along the way. Very inspiring!

Okay, I shall be going now. Thanks for reading this random entry. I need a break from this computer screen. God bless!

Caught off guard

The challenges were definitely not what I expected. The enemy really knows how to get to me, and all I can ever do is pray through those moments. Thank God for a pretty good week overall. I actually didn't come back more disturbed. I returned much more aware...and more grateful. How His grace truly sustains us. Were it not for God's goodness, we would all so easily fall into our most impassioned weaknesses, whatever they are.

Positive points of the past week:

• Daily Mass and Rosary in front of the Blessed Sacrament at the Shrine of the Most Holy Redeemer
• The Shark Reef exhibit with BIG FISH at Mandalay Bay
• Grand Lux Cafe (x2) at the Venetian
• Crepes from Paris
• Enough hours to rest and some time to study
• Quality time with Gary, Abie, and Mommy
• The orchestra at Phantom!
• Watching Joshua push Jeremiah across the floor in a laundry basket =)

Gary and I also celebrated our 1-year anniversary this past weekend at Glen Ivy, went to Mass at SPC, and ate yummy Hawaiian food at The Loft. I'm very, very blessed to have him for my husband. Happy anniversary, my kane!

I must say that while the enemy is strong, God's love is so much stronger. In those times of doubt, we often question Him...we question ourselves...we question so many things for so many reasons. I remembered all of those days and nights I would spent at St. Peter Chanel and many a church seeking consolation in the face of such a confused future. Kneeling in our "usual spot" with Gary by my side, I was showered with the love of God and the realization that much of what I had been waiting for was found in our relationship. It was all a matter of time, as people would say...but I believe that in the end, it was more of a matter of trust. As I looked up at the image of the Divine Mercy and read the words, "Jesus, I Trust in You", I could only thank God for finally letting me in on what He was doing in my life - especially with this little one growing inside my womb. And it's all so absolutely beautiful...

Off we go...

I never thought I'd go back to Las Vegas. The city and I just do not mix. However, out of familial duties to my mother, I am going to accompany her to her 40th anniversary reunion for UST Medical School. Mind you, I am very hesitant about the trip, considering that I have a hard time even watching TV most of the time for a number of reasons...but I tried my best to somehow make it a vacation I can enjoy as well.

So, I found a Catholic church right down the street from our resort that has daily Mass at 11:30am with Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament from 10am-1pm. It's not SPC, but it'll do to get me through the week. Jesus will still be there, and I'm very happy about that. =) Pray for me, please, because I somehow manage to always come back feeling very disturbed. I don't think I'll be any less disturbed this time, but again...adoration and Holy Communion is adoration and Holy Communion no matter where you are...so it's definitely something to look forward to!

We're also going to see Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian. Gary and I love musicals, so we're excited about that as well. Not excited about the heat, though. I checked the weather and it's 110-113 for the high out there for the next week. Whew!

Okay, time to see my fam bam to celebrate Robby's promotion (congratulations BiL!). Hope you're all enjoying your summer!

We're growing...

Over a month after my last entry, I find that I don't have a lot to write. Well, I actually do, but I have been spending my time doing a good deal of reading and sleeping and planning for the next school year since my maternity leave will hit a month and a half after school starts.

I have enjoyed my vacation, though. It's nice to wake up whenever I want to and to go to sleep a little later than usual.

So what's going on in my life these days?

• more prayer to strengthen my relationship with Jesus
• feeling the baby move pretty much every day now
• talk with Gary about our kiddo's future
• growing comfortable with the pregnancy

Now that we're in the fifth month, I'm appreciating this whole experience in a much more relaxed state...not just because I'm out of school, but because I'm more excited than scared nowadays. I'm also reminding myself that this child is a wonderful miracle...that there is absolutely no reason to complain about things like weight gain, stretch marks, back pains, etc., etc. that come with carrying the baby for nine months and bringing him/her into the world.

Honestly, it's kind of been a challenge for me to stay positive because plenty of people have so many negative things to say and it's easy to fall into that mindset, too. But I don't want to get stuck in all the thoughts about how the baby is inconveniencing us and how my life will be turned upside down by a kid that is more of a burden than a gift from God. I want to remember how blessed I am to be a mother, and how grateful Gary and I are that we even get to have another chance to be parents.

That's why I so greatly admire those parents who live their vocation to the fullest. One of those people was my dad, who did have a difficult time (because I - to say the least - was a difficult child) but plugged along and did his job anyway. I used to ask him if it was hard raising the four of us, and every time he would smile and say that no matter what he would try his best and not think about how hard it was because if he did, he'd just quit. Never once did I hear him complain.

Self-denial...that's something I pray to learn and put into practice.

It all starts with the little things.

Better days

I believe You have every moment held in Your hands. As I fell asleep last night, I couldn't help but cry out to You to take it all from me and pour Your grace into my life, my relationships, my pregnancy, my job. The cross...it's been heavy lately...but it's times like these that remind me how tightly I need to cling to You.

I've learned not to attach conditions to the trust I place in You. I've learned to accept each blessing and each heartache...even when I'm tempted to say that there is a limit to my openness...I can't tell You that I will stop believing and stop trusting if certain things go wrong.

You love me, Lord, and You love every person who has ever walked this earth. So when we need You...when anyone needs You, You're there. You always have been. I asked You today at Mass if You hear me, and You said You do. You know what I need. You know what must happen and what You will allow to me in order for this life to be fruitful. I don't understand it all, but at least I can find comfort in knowing that I am loved.

It's Pentecost on Sunday. The gifts...they're not dead. The Spirit...He dwells here within us and among us, sustaining our faith and upholding our Church. Jesus, You left us with the consolation that you would be with us until the end of time...as the world passes away...

The parting words of Christ:
"Behold, the hour is coming and has arrived when each of you will be scattered to his own home and you will leave me alone. But I am not alone, because the Father is with me. I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." (John 16:32-33)

In the midst of real life

People get mad. They say things that hurt each other. Trust is broken. Friendships end. Those involved go their separate ways. It happens.

And then what?

I think that's when God uses circumstances in our lives to bring us back to either face the wounds or work to reconcile with the people whom we have left.

Our hearts were not made to be hardened and He knows that better than anyone else.

So sometimes He'll break us down. Sometimes He'll do whatever it takes to chip away at the walls.

When I see my kids get caught up in each other's conflicts, I can only imagine how much more difficult it will be for them down the road. Because I remember what that was like, not too long ago...

There has to be a better way.

"As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
- Jesus

You cannot be half a saint. You must be a whole saint or no saint at all.
– St. Therese of Lisieux

I have to stop:

• complaining...
• worrying...
• not putting my trust in the providence of God.

Avoiding sin doesn't cut it anymore. He's calling me to a deeper relationship...something I knew once upon a time...when He was...

EVERYTHING.

Be grateful. Believe that He knows what He's doing. Have faith that somehow life will work out because He loves me.

Can you do that, Marianne?

Can you help me, God?

What gets me through the day

Eucharist - I could be feeling horrible, weak, tired, or sad and somehow God's power works through the very presence of Jesus entering into the very depths of my soul. I wait for Him each morning and without fail, He always gives me what I need. There is no greater gift...no greater source of nourishment for both the body and soul.

Gary - I am so in love with my husband. I know it's not really like me to sound mushy, but I am. =) Even if I get to sit beside him in Mass for just a couple of minutes out of Ellie's generosity ("Go sit next to your hubby!"), those moments bring so much peace to my heart. It was the best feeling to see him yesterday realize how my tummy has grown and reach out with a smile on his face. He's going to be an amazing dad...

My kids - They're just awesome. I have loved every student I have ever taught at every school I have been in. These are no exception. Maybe my appreciation grows as I get older and more experienced, but everything about where I am fills me with an indescribable amount of inspiration and strength. I landed in a good place. I guess you can't go wrong when you walk into a school and the first thing you see are the words, "Let all who enter experience the love of God."

Ho-hum

Hi. I'm just waiting for my husband to come home...sitting here as my uterus is stretching...hahaha.

Jenn and I have come to the conclusion that a baby is going through growth spurts when you feel your most tired. That was her yesterday, and that is me today. I woke up at 9am, ate breakfast, fell asleep again and didn't get up until 1:30. Wow.

During my brief break from grading papers, I read a children's book that I have called Moses: When Harriet Tubman Led Her People to Freedom. It was so inspiring and very spiritual. I never really knew much about her or remembered what I learned maybe once upon a time, but I'm glad I picked it up because it reminded me of how God can really use one person to make such a huge difference in the lives of people who are oppressed. Hers is a story of victory. She never said she wouldn't or couldn't. She just did it.

You should read this book, too. It's pretty awesome.


I want to have faith like she did. I want courage like that. I want to be able to trust that as impossible as a task may seem, God will give me the grace to complete it.

Taking a Break

My kids have gone, and it's quiet again...though I must say that I miss them when they're gone. They make me laugh more than they frustrate me, and sometimes it seems like they take care of me more than I take care of myself.

I love being a teacher.

So I just finished some major assignments for my LMU program and I just have to get a final exam in by the end of the week. But at least I get to sleep again... One more year! I really like what I'm learning and I actually enjoy doing the work...it's just hard when you have to juggle school and a full-time job at the same time. In the end, I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Better to get all this out of the way sooner than later.

Good times with my family - Em and I had some quality sister bonding time, and I got to play with Jacob, who gets cuter and cuter every time I see him. It's funny how kids are so entertaining when they're little. As much as they require a lot of patience and sacrifice, the joy that they can bring is invaluable. A part of me wants to have my own child just so I can bring him or her over to Mommy's house to make her happy. I know how much she loves her apos, and that's something I want to give her, too.

Gary came back last night from his trip up north with the baseball team. I was so glad to have him back. Going to church by myself...visiting family...eating dinner...going to sleep without him. It's just not the same. Sometimes I would just lie in bed and tears would start filling my eyes because I would miss him so much...but then he'd somehow find a way to make me feel better by texting me at just the right time. At least he only has one more road trip left. Even if it's hard, it's a good sign that I miss him. If I didn't, I think there would be something seriously wrong with me.

More highlights of the weekend:

• Seeing Jane, Ruby, Christine, April, and Cinch at Kappa Formal
• "I've finally found what I've been looking for!" - Christine going back to church
• "I want to start a Bible study..." - April after reading Purpose Driven Life
• Summer with a 7-month pregnant belly (she's having a girl!)
• The food at Aela's mom's birthday party =)...yummy!
• Rock S.A.L.T. Band during the 5pm LifeTeen Mass at St. Augustine

God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good!

For You

Saying Yes Just Isn't Enough

I heard this song playing on the Fish yesterday as I was driving to the Kappa formal...

"I'm Not Who I Was"
by Brandon Heath

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was.
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was.

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago...
But I never got to tell you so.

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you...

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was.
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was.

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
...I never did forget your name
Hello...

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about...

******************************

Trying to listen to what He was saying to me...just hearing song after song reminded me of a community that I still have...somehow still connected even if our lives have gone their separate ways. I'm so glad that He has been slowly piecing the fragments of my life back together...because I never really left it all behind me.

What we can do

Risen with Him

A belated congratulations to Yaz and Dani for receiving their Sacraments of Initiation this past Easter Vigil! Praise God for their persistent faith and commitment to the journey towards truth in Jesus Christ. In a world that promotes egotism and self-reliance, it is so encouraging to watch people like them stepping forward wanting to become part of the Catholic Church. The experience of being up there at the altar with Yaz was amazing...and watching the tears of joy fall from the eyes of those who had been working so hard to train this group of elect and candidates...then moving into the waters of the "tomb" with her...absolutely indescribable.

I'm so proud of them and of the RCIA team. They are such a wonderful group of souls, and I pray that with the power of the Spirit their ministry will bear much fruit. It's great to see Emeline serving at St. Pius again, and to come back for Mass to meet all the familiar faces who helped us grow in faith. Good things are still happening there - that I cannot deny. Of course no parish is perfect, but we can only be thankful that lives are being changed and the presence of God is still very much alive in the hearts of the people.

Little Dyogis

Little Gary +

Baby Dyogi #2

People are starting to ask because I'm starting to look it. Yes, it is true...I am pregnant again. We're praying that Baby #2 hangs in there. Just taking it one day at a time. Trust. Faith. Hope. All in His hands. Last November and the months following were hard. I wasn't sure how to react. Life, however, in any circumstance is a gift, no matter how long it is with you.

Here, Gary, are your children...the first was with us for such a short amount of time, but like you said, brought us so much joy. And now we wait once more, turning everything over to God. I'm so glad that I'm living through all of this with you, as painful as it has been at times. But waking up to your smile and knowing how much I am loved makes this all worth it.

I love you.

Without Him

"Oh, what annoying company we are to ourselves when Jesus is not present...but...He is not far away. He is right there, quite near and looking at us. Indeed, He is there begging us to offer Him our sorrow."

BROKEN
To give You my weakness
Is to admit all my sin
And let You heal me

FINGERTIPS
Holding on to hope
At the edge of life's ravene
Waiting for You, Lord

I need to find...

The nearest one is 3.4 miles away from here...but there's a Starbucks on many a street corner. Not complaining, but making a statement. =)

Back in His Arms Again

I heard a song on Sunday night that helped me find a focus for my prayer intention. Certain memories never leave us, and sometimes they come back so vividly where the past almost becomes part of your present. But then you remember that God is the only one who has a far enough reach to grab hold of a heart and call it back to Him. So I prayed. Twenty-four GloryBe's this time, once again asking St. Therese to intercede...though I asked that the rose be given to another, not to me.

Driving home from Mass on Palm Sunday also left me with the revelation that this journey to Heaven is not a competition. I don't know why the thought came to me...maybe I needed it, or I needed to pass it on to someone else...but the concept of Christ's Mystical Body was ever more strengthened in my heart...maybe because I hurt for another soul...when one is lost, we all suffer somehow. This prize of eternal life with God that we all strive for is to be had by everyone. It is not dependent on how much you know or how much you do. Of course it is very important to learn more about our Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier and we must live a life of fruitful good works as proof of our love for Him...but we are not to compare our lives to those of other people, or even to the lives we have led in the past. The priest spoke of this in his homily. The standard by which we are to measure ourselves is Jesus Christ Himself.

"Do you love Me?"

Our gift of salvation and the extent that we receive it is dependent on how much we LOVE. We can grow prideful about the knowledge we have or the deeds we have done, but it is difficult to be prideful in true love. The reason is because love is sacrificial. We need to die to ourselves in order to love and this requires the complete opposite of pride - the virtue of humility. If we question our own pride, then perhaps we can examine how much love can be found in our acts and in our quest for knowledge. Are we drawing closer to God in obedience? Are we drawing closer to others in compassion? If the answer is yes, then we are growing in love and opening our hearts more and more to the graces of Heaven. If we find that we are experiencing more selfishness or feeling the need to pass judgment on others, then by the power of His Spirit may we ask for a conversion of heart this day to be different...to be more like Jesus.

I have lately felt the need to pray for the prodigal, whoever he or she may be...but I have also felt the call to pray for the older brother (or sister) who has the opportunity to hope as the Father hopes, and to rejoice as the Father rejoices upon the prodigal's return.

And so I will hurt until the Body is healed. It is a pain I choose to suffer because others had suffered it for me until I, too, came back into His arms again.

"May I know Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, follow Thee more nearly, day by day."
– St. Richard of Chichester

“Ready are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained. A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. " - Yoda

Most important one

I gave this book to Leo as a graduation present a couple of years ago, and last year I asked for it from my Kris Kringle. If you want a simple book that helps you with life's greatest questions, this is a keeper. It isn't religious per say but for those who wonder whether or not they are following the will of God, it gives you a very practical yet humble way of looking at your purpose in life. I've always been one to plan where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, but circumstances have taught me that this moment is most important. Who you are with at that moment matters the most, and nothing else.

I guess this entry comes from the fear that in waiting for Heaven here on earth, so many opportunities to "meet Jesus" would pass me by. I long to be a very "now" kind of Christian who appreciates what has happened and what is to come yet doesn't allow the past or the future to rob me of the present.

This makes me think of an Augustinian priest - a friend of Fr. Kevin's - who visited for a short time and gave really cool talks with really cool pictures. He spoke of these matters and reminded us that we shouldn't get too caught up in everything we have to do and everything we want to plan. It's those times when I truly relished in the moment...like on my wedding day...that I felt as through I was really LIVING life.

On another note, last night at confession, the priest told me to have a conversation with myself, asking myself why I fall into particular sinful tendencies. When I thought about it, the answers came immediately and from an "outsider's" viewpoint, it didn't make sense. So I had a talk with me. It was a good short talk. Not lengthy at all. It was very practical and straight to the point. I will always struggle with imperfections, but if I take more time to sit with Jesus...if I take more time to think about my actions...if I take more time to pray...and if I ask for more and more humility and grace, God will help me.

I just want to be simple...

"The greatest greatest honor God can do for a soul is not to give it much, but to ask much of it."
~ St. Therese of Lisieux

By His stripes we are healed

V. We adore you, O Christ, and we bless you.

R. Because by your holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

Not the first to struggle and definitely not the last. Others have fought and won. Many have tried and lost, but I look to the ones who have gained victory through you. When I look upon your holy wounds, I dare not say that my life is too hard or my cross to heavy. I cannot cry out and blame you for anything I have suffered. There is no reason to walk away...there never has been. How can I bear the name "Christian" and live in this world serving myself? This life...it doesn't even belong to me. When it's over, what will be left but my soul searching for its true home? This path...you have paved it for me and placed along the way some obstacles, some challenges, some thorns...but how many roses have I picked that have blessed my life with beauty?

I'm hungry

...and this is what I want to eat.

I know, I know. Not your typical Lenten entry. Let's try again...

Water for the spirit

Without prayer nothing good is done. God's works are done with our hands joined, and on our knees. Even when we run, we must remain spiritually kneeling before Him.
– Bl. Luigi Orione

Much to do while much is being done. Never enough time but now always seems to be the best moment to stop and appreciate what He has given to us.

Jana and I talked a lot about a lot of things. But what most interesting were those brief pauses of silence in the conversation that were filled with peace. That's when you know you have made at true friend...when it's quiet and you're still comfortable. I also found it comforting that we think of each other...like a reaching out for the other when they are not there. She's a very special spiritual friend. Spiritual friends are hard to come by. Of course you have those you worship with and serve with, but there are those few whom you seek out when you're straining to hear the voice of God or those who really let you know that you're not crazy. Of those two years I spent passing through Verbum Dei on to the rest of my life, she is one of the people who has stayed with me. I said that I wondered what our conversations would be like ten years from now, but what I really can't wait for is the eternity I will spend with friends like her, sharing the lessons we learned while we were on earth.

It's kind of hard to fathom that, but...not really.

Thanks, Jana. Here's to not being "normal". =) I love you, my friend.

Cost of Discipleship

Whoever wishes to carry the cross for his sake must take up the proper weapons for the contest, especially those mentioned here. First, diligence; second, distrust of self; third, confidence in God; fourth, remembrance of Passion; fifth, mindfulness of one's own death; sixth, remembrance of God's glory; seventh, the injunctions of Sacred Scripture following the example of Jesus Christ in the desert.
– St. Catherine of Bologna

Lessons from the weekend...

• He loves me
• ...therefore, I must love myself as He loves me.
• I don't have to do anything to earn His love or get more of it...I just have to be me.
• There is nothing I experience that He cannot understand.
• If I were a first-century catechumen carrying the amount of fear that I have today, someone would have to challenge me and remind me that baptism could equal death.
• As a baptized Catholic, I must pray for the courage of the early Christian martyrs.
• If I was called to be a prophet, apostle, or teacher, I must remember: Blessed are those who are persecuted in My name...Take up your cross and follow Me...Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
• Jesus did not come here to be liked by everyone; He came here to speak the Truth.

"I remind you to stir into flame the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control. So do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord, nor of me, a prisoner for his sake; but bear your share of hardship for the gospel with the strength that comes from God." (2Tim 6-8)

Padre Pio, pray for us

"Pray, hope, and don't worry."

We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials.
– St. Teresa of Avila

The journey continues

"Through your suffering, God is expanding your heart so that He can pour more of His love into it."

"It hurts me to see you hurting, but I know that you wouldn't choose any other way."

"You'll have good days and you'll have bad days. Whether you're single or married...whether you're a priest or a nun, there will always be difficulties. But God will be there every step of the way."

I'm so grateful to the friends I have. I'm grateful for the love that surrounds me every day that I haven't been able to appreciate as I should have.

My family and I were sitting around the table for lunch on Sunday, having the annual "What are you giving up for Lent?" discussion.

I thought about giving up meat. I realized yesterday that I need to give up myself. I need to sacrifice the pain from the losses that I have held on to for so many years. I need to sacrifice my pride that keeps me from offering myself more fully to others. I need to sacrifice the fear and the discouragement - the way of thinking that has kept me imprisoned...immobilized...stuck.

I need to give to Jesus my love. I need to give to my students the joy that comes from being faithful to God. I need to give to my family the support and prayers that only family can give. I need to give to my husband my heart...all of it...not just a portion of it but the whole thing.

No, I'm not giving up. I'm giving more.

So willingly I go, forty days with Him among the people.

By grace. AMDG.

Unstoppable

"In the year of drought it shows no distress, but still bears fruit." –Jeremiah 17:8

...A disciple of Jesus is one who imitates Jesus in His character and His ministry. Disciples of Jesus follow Him wherever He leads, whether that path leads to the cross of Calvary or the glory of His resurrection.

A mature disciple of Christ will necessarily bear fruit for Him (Jn 15:16), "make disciples" (Mt 28:19), and disciple them in season and out of season (see 2 Tm 4:2, KJV). Nothing can stop disciples of Jesus from bearing fruit and making more disciples. Throughout Church history, persecution strengthens rather than weakens disciples. Disciples still bear fruit in the "year of drought" (Jer 17:8), for sorrows and difficulties lead us to the cross of Jesus, from Whom we draw our strength. God uses our failing health to make more disciples (see Gal 4:13). Even killing us can't stop the fruit of discipleship, because the blood of martyrs has always been the seed of Christians. "In all this we are more than conquerors because of Him Who has loved us" (Rm 8:37).

Historically, disciples of Jesus have only been stopped by themselves. When disciples "grow lazy" (Heb 6:12), take their eyes off Jesus (cf Heb 3:1; 12:2), and start treasuring the things of the world, they then paralyze themselves. Therefore, disciples of Christ, pick up your daily cross, die to yourself (Lk 9:23), make no provision for the desires of your flesh (Rm 13:14), and ask Jesus for more of the Holy Spirit. Be invincible and unstoppable. "Make disciples of all the nations" (Mt 28:19).

From One Bread, One Body - Reflection for February 11, 2007

Coming to the Rose Bowl near you

Save the Date!

MAY 19, 2007

6:00-9:00pm

Community like you've never experienced before...

http://www.rosarybowl.org/home.html

His words of encouragement

Brothers and sisters:
In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood.
You have also forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as children:
My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord
or lose heart when reproved by him;
for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines;
he scourges every son he acknowledges.
Endure your trials as “discipline”;
God treats you as his sons.
For what “son” is there whom his father does not discipline?
At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain,
yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who are trained by it.

So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees.
Make straight paths for your feet,
that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed.

Strive for peace with everyone,
and for that holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
See to it that no one be deprived of the grace of God,
that no bitter root spring up and cause trouble,
through which many may become defiled.
( Hebrews 12:18-19,21-24)

Light

Alone in the dark

A desp'rate life of begging

Will it ever end?

Crowds of people here

He gently rubs my blind eyes

Sends me to wash them

A gift I received

No one believes me - I see!

Have you met Him, too?

Grant me, O Lord my God, a mind to know you, a heart to seek you, wisdom to find you, conduct pleasing to you, faithful perseverance in waiting for you, and a hope of finally embracing you.
– St. Thomas Aquinas

What am I Looking For Again?

His will. I've wanted to find His will. The problem is that I've been looking everywhere except for in my own heart.

Hi, God. It's me again. I know it's been a while...

I feel like I'm going into an IR monologue.

The dreams. I can't figure out what they mean. At least the ones that I can't clearly remember when I wake up. The ones that have left me tired when I wake up. And a little sad.

Talking to myself in the car on the way home, trying to make sense out of this search. I've been with you, but I haven't been able to find you.

Pieces of my life are scattered all over the place. That's how I feel because people who used to mean so much and influence so much are out there somewhere not a part of my life anymore.

I used to talk to my friends about detachment. I went through the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises and should be some sort of a pseudo-expert on the matter (or not)...but whatever the case may be, I'm suddenly wondering why I'm experiencing this "disconnectedness".

You just let go, right? You just move on, right?

It's not that easy.

But life...it never stays the same. It's so incredibly fluid...like water...because it's moving and growing and changing.

New people come into my world - new students, new coworkers, new strangers who become friends - and they're all great, like all the ones who came before them were great.

Maybe I just want to be like God and always be connected to everybody all the time.

But then Jesus didn't even have that luxury while he was here on earth. He was limited to time and space.

He had to leave his mother. He had to leave his friends. He even had to accept the murder of his own cousin.

He loved everybody, but he served the one right there in front of him.

He connected with the poor and the sick. He healed some of them, but not all of them. But his encounters with each of them - as simple as they were - were unforgettable. Why? Because he was WITH them. For that day, for that hour, for those few minutes...he was really with them.

So at least I can say that I've had those "Jesus-moments" with you, too. All the souls I have been so blessed to have grown up with and prayed with...cried with and laughed with. At least I have been able to share those days, those hours, those minutes with you.

I pray for you all often. Every day, actually. You might not think that I remember you, but I do. Your faces have been painted on the canvas of my heart because I once looked into your eyes and saw Him.

So wherever I go, I take you with me...you, in this communion of saints He brought into my life.

A Day to Remember, A Dream Come True

The blessing of God

of faith, hope, and love

uniting two lives as one

as a witness to His goodness

a sacrifice to be shared

surrounded by joy

reminding us all of what happens when we trust

in the Plan from above