Okay so I cried

Today was probably one of the best days I've had in my life. Busy yet simple. I love it that things are like this for me now. They just have to be.

Venice Beach Cleanup with the Verbum Dei boys - One of my guys asking me if I would help him with his spiritual questions and me responding, "I'll try, but it's up to you to believe what I say." Then he says, "Oh, come on, Ms. Soratorio...you have to tell me 'YES, OF COURSE I'LL HELP YOU!' Say it with confidence!" Man, was that a wake-up call. =) So when he asked me again, I laughed and I gave him the answer he needed the way he (and I) needed me to say it.

St. Paul of the Cross Fiesta - Being greeted with so many hugs from my kids, getting silly string sprayed all over me, and being thrown in jail as soon as I got there totally made my day. Lyn-Lyn, Leilani, and I stayed for the talent show, and just like last year, it was so great. I was really missing everyone, especially my old students. Sitting there in the lunch area watching so many of them get up on stage made me so grateful for the three years I was blessed with. They really don't know how much they changed my life. Always giving me a reason to smile...

Watching 50 First Dates at Em and Rob's - We laughed at ALL the same parts...that's the greatest thing about watching romantic comedy with my sisters, especially Em because she has a loud laugh and I don't feel dumb laughing out loud, too. There are very few people I really laugh with and she's one of my favorites in that category. And yeah, okay so like I said, I cried...I was laughing at myself because I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. So many thoughts diving deep down into my heart. That's exactly how I needed to end my day.

Something I'm learning to do is to live simply with as much peace as possible. I really thank Jaymee in particular for being the other half of my smile...for believing...for hoping right along with me. And I thank You, Lord (even if I thanked You yesterday, you deserve to be thanked every day)...I thank You for teaching me how to recognize my blessings and cherish the moments I'm given in the time I do have left here. There's so much to look forward to, and yet even in the NOW, there's so much to appreciate. I call it "treasure-hunting"...looking for the good in things at all times...seeking His face in all situations...finding His presence in all people...fun stuff, I must say. =)

Alrightee, I have to go and get some sleep. But yes, today was - without a doubt - a great day. Praise God.

A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

He reminded me of St. Maximilian Kolbe

I think it was the glasses...but when I watched him giving out communion tonight, Fr. John just made me think of the priest martyr who gave his life in place of another in Auschwitz about 60 years ago. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends. These men who serve at St. Peter Chanel - that's exactly what they do every day for us. If they were to be arrested just as St. Max was, there would be no hesitation to follow his example and give themselves as living sacrifices so someone else can live.

But God doesn't call all of us to die for him in that way. For most of us, we live a daily martyrdom...taking opportunities for self-denial and living for God alone. As far as the SPC priests are concerned, if they're not sleeping, they're busy hearing confessions, saying Mass after Mass, teaching catechism classes, visiting the sick, officiating weddings, encouraging couples to get married in the church, baptizing babies, doing funerals, tending to the needs of the poor in the community, going on retreats, guiding the laity in spiritual direction. I am so awestruck by the commitment they all have to their vocation, and they serve with an incredible amount of peace and joy because that's exactly what God made them to do.

Fr. John said in his homily that we don't know how long we have to live. "Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today. And today we need to live to become saints." He's right. That's what the Father hopes we realize. Time is not at our disposal. I'm just trying to get things straight in my own life so that I don't waste any of it doing things He doesn't want me to do. It's not the easiest thing in the world to carry out, I'll admit that, but when by His grace I'm brought back to the God whom I love, He starts showing me (like He did today) where I can find Him again in the simple, ordinary things and people right in front of me.

SO I MET JESUS TODAY...

- in all the parishioners at SPC during Mass tonight...seeing their reverence, knees bent and rosaries in hand...it's always amazing and humbling at the same time. Nothing brings me greater joy than going there to worship God with all of them even though we only know each other by face.

- in all of you, my friends, during my prayers for you...each and every one of you who I've been lifting up because you've asked me to pray. You've requested nothing more than my faithfulness to communicate to God the needs of your heart and soul...needs I am not fully aware of but nevertheless place in the Hands of Jesus with the hope He has sown in my own little heart.

- through the conviction sent to me by His Spirit that moves me towards daily conversion because every day I find myself needing to come back to Him and renew my commitment after failing to trust, love, believe, hope, serve, and give as He calls me to.

I'm sorry, Lord, for doubting You at times...for not having faith in what You can do...for complicating what is meant to be so simple...for not being able to see past my own pride and falling into thoughts and actions that cause me to drift away from You...for having too much confidence in myself without taking into account the limitations that are necessary for my well-being. Thank You for keeping me safe...for giving me people to guide me and walk with me, especially when it gets hard to stay on the path. Thank You for Your love, Your mercy, and Your grace.

Thank You for accepting me just as I am, but loving me enough not to leave me here. Thank You for Your correction...for Your enlightenment...for saving me from myself. Thank You for helping me be the smile I often do not see in myself and those I love so much when challenges come around. Thank You, most of all, for Your peace because it's something that I'd like to share with those who are having some difficulty finding it.You've never let me down, Lord.

You've never left anyone I know totally abandoned. You're GOD. That means You're everywhere...You're all-powerful...victorious...compassionate...merciful...all-knowing. There isn't anything or anyone above You. From the beginning of time to its end, You have and will continue to work miracles among us and within us. I'm counting on You, Lord, because You promised You'd always be with us.

So Kuya Jess, I'm getting out of Your way so You can do Your thing. READY, SET, GO...

A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

AWW...BUT YAY! (a.k.a. "finding joy in God's plan")

I'm still laughing about a check-up conversation I had last night w/Leo cuz he called me a B2-Bomber...hahaha =) It's quite the challenge being an idealistic realist. That's such an oxymoron...total contradiction...but that's how I've turned out, being that God made me a very hopeful person...always trying to look for the silver lining on dark clouds, rainbows after the storms, the potential butterfly in the caterpillar...but a couple years of SPC formation has trained me to be cautious. Not scared (though the temptation towards fear does get to me sometimes), but more along the lines of prudence so I'm not going against the will of God.

The pull of the world is strong, and I totally know what Fred's talking about when you sometimes feel like compromising your values and standards to keep up and get in "good" with everyone else, but I always ask myself if it's worth it. Then I go back to recent conversations I've had with Jaymee and Maurice about staying focused...deepening one's spirituality through prayer and your surrounding environment...and I remember, the ultimate goal is Heaven. That is the only joy promised to last forever. Really, it is.

My students asked me if they party in Heaven. I thought that was funny. I said, "Well, that all depends on what you mean by that. Are you asking if they have fun there? I'm sure they do!" And James asks, "Hey, Ms. Soratorio, will you party with me in Heaven when we get there?" haha...my kids are so cute...okay so they're 15-year-old guys and everything, but they still crack me up. =)

I'm extremely grateful for my life right now...just how it's been going, no matter whether it seems good or not so good...God's still in it all. I know I've been saying that lately, but honestly, I pray that I'll feel this way every day. Praise the Lord! Rob's blog totally echoes what's in my heart, and I'm happy, too, that he's experiencing this as well. When I was at the Moya house the other night, I noticed that he had that joyful presence I'd been hoping to see...very at peace with things. Not that you haven't been that way over the years, Robby, but it's great that the light of God is shining through the way it is in you now. I think it's the ukulele...hahaha =)

I'm glad you're my brother, Rob. I remember Em telling me in Maui: "All that's going to matter in the end, B.anne, is your family and the guy who loves you"...words flowing from her heart as my sister and your wife. So here you are with our family and I thank God that He made you a part of it.

Leilani, my sidekick, is another one I am SO super-thankful for. We share a lot of funny moments together...different adventures...normal everyday happenings...and it's always so great. Yesterday, as we were driving to SPC for Mass, she wanted to listen to the Jesus story on the way there and she asked me if we could go back and look at the Pope's stuff (she'd gone to the Vatican exhibit twice...hehe). I told her they had to take the "Pope's stuff" back because they belonged in his house. Then she got all excited to see Uncle Jay...no matter where he is in the church, she always seems to find him and point him out. Her face also lit up when she saw Tita Jenevee there, too. When we got home, she wanted to call Tita Jaymee so she could talk to Ahlauna on the phone. Lyn-lyn and I overheard their conversation and we couldn't stop laughing because she just took my cell phone and was going on and on. Haha...how cute! For the past four years, she's been the one who's held us together as a family ever since Daddy died. Definitely our little angel...

I love my family. Kings, that includes you, too. Jaymee gets extra credit because she can bake the best desserts...(with Mo's uh...supervision?) hehehe =) My mom is always there to pray and talk and listen. Abie is so full of practical advice. When we get "sister time", both Em and Lyn-lyn offer so much support in whatever it is I do. Each person is so awesome because we're all shooting for God's potential in our lives. He's always part of our conversation somehow. When someone's stressed out, someone else is there to say, "Just trust in Him. He'll take care of you." When everything's going well, we're thanking God together for His blessings.

But, really, all of you are the greatest because when I'm with you, I know who I am and can be me at all times. Sure, we've gone through lots of ups and downs...but having you here with our relationships turning out that much stronger just proves to me that His grace is truly the glue that binds us in spirit. For all the things that Love is in 1 Corinthians 13...patient, kind, without envy, not boastful or arrogant, not ill-mannered or self-seeking, overcoming anger and forgetting offenses, not taking delight in wrong, always rejoicing in truth, excusing everything, believing all things, and enduring all things...you all have shown to me.

I don't deserve all this, Lord, but I do thank You for who You've given me to love and to serve. I may not show my appreciation all the time, but I do pray that You'll show them how much You love them through what You can do in me. Amen.

A much needed reminder...

"We were all made to be great saints. Don't ever miss the opportunity to become one."
- Mother Angelica, EWTN

God really watches out for me. The least I can do is offer back to Him everything I have. When I give to people, I run the risk (there's that word again) of not receiving anything in return, which is okay because that's love, right? Hmm...though I'm thinking that we shouldn't give to God solely because He gives to us. I offer my life because I just love Him. Does it always show...this love for Him? Sadly, no, not always. But He knows I try, and He accepts what little comes from my hands.

I just have to thank Him for everything He gave to me today, in particular. So much threatens to throw me off, but I can't deny the grace anymore because it's been incredibly evident in my life lately...what He's shown me about myself...how He's been instructing my mind and my heart...what He's protected me from over the years...most especially in the amount of His peace He gives me that truly does surpass all understanding.

So, thank you, Lord. I'm not scared anymore of growing through the lessons you share with me. It's all necessary, it really is. I can see that now. In the end, it's going to be great because You promised it would be. Heaven awaits. The challenge presented to us is to bring a piece of it down here to earth. If I can do that for the people in my life, dear Jesus, so that they will strive even harder for the eternal reality, please make that my life's mission. Amen.A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

Some people think I'm too extreme when it comes to how I live my life. So maybe it's true - I don't know. One thing I do know is that whenever I make a decision, I try to ask myself, "If I had a daughter, how would I hope she would act?"

This goes for a lot of things in my life...career, relationships, friendships, family life...just because I want to be able to tell my kids some day that there is another way of going about making choices as opposed to just going with the flow of the world.

I am careful because I'd want them to be careful. I pray a lot about things because I'd like them to pray a lot about things, too. I don't rush into anything because I'd hate to see them make rash decisions and get themselves into trouble - physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

Granted that there will come a time when I have to let experience teach them what I can't, should there ever come a day when they question what I preach, I can tell them what has worked for me and why.

Heartache is the worst thing in the world to go through. I myself have become very good friends with it but I can't say that I welcome it freely. At the same time, I have loved loving the people God has sent to me and I can't imagine being any other way.

But I know what my mom means now when she was saying that everything is a "calculated risk".You weigh the pros and cons, then you make the choice to accept whatever consequences (good or bad) come with your decision. That's the scary part, but it's actually the most responsible method.

A lot of people live in a world of "what-ifs" that keep them from doing things they really want to do. I take "leaps of faith" all the time and I've suffered somewhat from occasional crash landings. But I must tell you that I don't regret any of it.

When I rewind back to different things I've tried, places I've worked, people I've let into my heart, I then find myself asking a different question: "What if I never did this? What if I never met that person? WHAT IF I NEVER TOOK THE RISK?"

So amidst all of these random thoughts, I'm feeling pretty good about where I'm at. Not satisfied, of course, because there's much I still need to learn and improve in myself. But at least I don't wish that I lived someone else's life or had more than I have right now.

I'm okay...I really am. Actually, I'm more than okay. Life is great. =)