It's that time of year again...

...flu season, I mean.

I just took a shower after 3 days (gross) because since Thursday/Friday I've been soooooo super-sick. First muscle aches, then chills, then 103 fever, and more chills, with a wonderful migraine throughout the whole thing. And Tylenol was not doing the job. I was about to go to the emergency room yesterday, but Gary was able to get my fever down to 101 with ice packs and lots of cold water to drink. Good thing because I was getting worried about the baby. My temp just got back to normal today after sweating it all out. Interesting how the body has its own thermoregulation system.

I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Now I just feel like I survived a train wreck. Nevertheless, I feel 100 times better right now than I did yesterday. Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers!!!

Lupus, I can put up with...but the flu is not my friend.

So I am currently quarantined in our bedroom and am only able to listen to Gary and Meleana playing in the living room. =( They'll come in every so often to see if I need anything, and she'll climb up onto the side of the bed to say hi. But she can't touch me because I'm sick. Please God, I hope neither of them catches this bug from me. Better me than them.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow just to make sure I'm all better before coming back to school...for everybody's sake.

While I've been resting, the little one inside has been moving around a whole lot. He/she is even more active than Meleana was. The punches, kicks, and somersaults are definitely reassuring, especially since I've been more sick this time.

I pray this next week is a better week. At least we'll be on vacation soon...

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On another note, I'd been reading the blog of the Carmelite Sisters and I'm so inspired by how much of Christ's Light they live their lives with. It's hard sometimes to be so grateful for everything you experience - both good and bad - as you can see from my entry above. I'm just so glad that I can always look to them to remind me of the gracious spirit that we should all carry within us.

Carmelite Blog

Happiness is...

...not comparing your life to anyone else's.

There will always be people in this world "better off" than you are, and there will always be people in this world "worse off" than you are. What's interesting is that the people you think are "better off" often struggle in ways that you are unaware of...and the people you think are "worse off" might have more to be thankful for than you do.

Just a thought sparked from a conversation that I had with my sisters a few days ago.

If you're constantly looking at everything other people have that you don't, you'll feel very unsatisfied with your own life. If you're constantly looking for everything that's wrong in everybody else's lives, you'll have a false sense of esteem for what you think you do have.

Moral of the story: Live your life as best as you can according to God's will for you. The only person you can really compare yourself to is the person He made you to be. The "best version of yourself", as Matthew Kelly says.

You can't even want to be the person you used to be since time and experience has changed you. But in the circumstances you find yourself, you can ask God how you can be more grateful and loving and generous and kind...more faithful and committed and honest...more like Him among the people He has placed in your life.

Another random thought: It always takes me a really long time to make Kris Kringle lists. I no longer like to accumulate things, and as time goes by, I've realized that I only buy what I really need. So when I have to make a list of things that I "want for Christmas", I have a hard time. Hmmm...

Meleana wasn't feeling well today. She puked all over Gary twice and looked horrible when I got home. Her tummy wasn't agreeing with the whole milk. It took a while for her to get better, but you should have seen her just laying there on his chest. So sad. Thank God that she was eventually up and about again after a few hours, running around saying, "Hiiii....!!"

=)

Happy Gobble Gobble!

People send the funniest mass text messages on Thanksgiving. =)

I'm sitting at my mom's house waiting for my corn casserole to bake, so I thought I'd blog a bit. We split up the menu because there just wouldn't be enough time to cook all the dishes ourselves. So Gary and I picked the menu, printed out the recipes, bought the ingredients, and distributed everything among my family.

Here's what we're going to eat tonight...

• Turkey
• Apple and Pecan Stuffing
  
• Spinach-Green Bean Casserole
• Corn Casserole
• Pumpkin Gooey (kinda like pumpkin pie)
  
• Em's Pumpkin bread

We got the Corn Casserole and Pumpkin Gooey from Gary's friend Janina when his friends got together for their annual Thanksgiving potluck earlier this month. They were so good, we had to share them with the family. I'm so not the cook, but my husband definitely inspires me to try a few new things because HE'S so excited about the food. =)

A part of me is sad that our family is not complete tonight. In a perfect world - at least from my perspective - things would be different. But I can only say a prayer that one day, we'll all be celebrating together in the heavenly Banquet prepared for us by the Lord.

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On another note, I finally got to see Dr. Wallace yesterday for an appointment. He's the doctor who wrote The Lupus Book, recommended to me by one of the mom's of two of my former students. I was hesitant to contact him because my case isn't extremely serious, and I figured he'd be super-busy, but my coworkers reminded me that I need to get whatever care it takes to get me back to 100% - especially since I'm pregnant.

So Gary, Meleana, and I drove to his office across from Cedar-Sinai, and there wasn't even a wait! I was shocked, simply because my last specialist was always overbooked and I had to wait at least 45 min to an hour just to see him for 10 minutes all the way in Santa Ana. Particularly impressive was the fact that he did a FULL exam, and I was able to get my blood drawn right there in the office. Apparently he treats Paula Abdul and a few other celebrities struggling with rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and fibromyaligia - so he's gotta be the best of the best in his field.

I felt really good leaving his office because he definitely knows what he's doing. Praise God...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Word of the Day: "Doggie"

I was reading to Lea today, and I pointed to a puppy in one of the pictures. "Doggie," I said to her. "Doggie," she repeated back. Then she flipped through the pages of the book and had me come back to the page with the puppy. She took my finger and had me point to it again. "Doggie." That was the only word she would say. I'd point to other things and say their names: kitten, ant, worm, dress...she'd just look at them...but whenever I came back to the puppy, she would say it again, "Doggie."

I was sharing with my 6th graders today that we all struggle with various temptations throughout our lives, and that I continue to fight against my own temptations every day - especially when I am frustrated with a person or a situation and I just want to vent instead of praying about it and giving it to God. So last night, I was talking to Gary about someone that I was losing my patience with, using a tone and an attitude that was not very Christian-like. In the middle of the conversation, Meleana happened to reach under the futon where we keep her reading cards, pulls one out, and walks over from the living room to hand it to me in the dining room. I take the card from her and tell her what it says..."JESUS". In that moment, the Lord brought me back to a previous lesson I had shared with my kids about how we need to understand that "whatsoever you do to the least of My brethren, that you do unto Me." And so I decided to stop my ranting. It was a good reminder...

My child can talk!

"Lea..."

"Mama..."

"Daddy..."

This is what I've been waiting for! I LOVED having conversations with Leilani when she first started talking, and now here Meleana is actually beginning to say words! She still has a ways to go as far as putting sentences together, but she'll at least repeat words that we say to her (especially when we're showing her reading cards). And when we say, "Thank you," she utters her own version of "You're welcome"!

Her favorite books are The Story of Mary (still!) and Goodnight Moon, both given by my sisters. When I ask her to find those books, she knows exactly which ones to pick up. And last week at the school Mass, she was raising her hands with us as we prayed the Our Father. My kids caught me laughing because it was the first time we'd ever seen her do that! I was also sharing with Jenn and Lyn-lyn that on Monday night, she was imitating one of the couples doing the fox trot on "Dancing with the Stars"...I think there were three moves she picked up...haha!

It's SO amazing to watch kids grow up. When I see Leilani reading to the little ones, Jacob singing with his mommy, JJ playing the ukulele, and all the King kiddos behaving so well every time we see them at Mass, it makes me so grateful that I'm able to share the experience of being a parent among family members who celebrate motherhood and fatherhood.

It's so sad that people look at having children as a burden - an unfortunate event that encroaches on your personal freedom. If anything, being a mother or a father opens up your life AND your heart to a world of innocence and purity that we once knew long ago. You can't get this kind of joy any other way. That's why I was so happy to run into one of my friends recently who was able to adopt 2 beautiful little girls after suffering her own series of miscarriages. There's this space within each and every one of us that not only needs to be filled with love, but wants so badly to share that love with children who depend on us for everything.

My last entry was begging God for an experience of His love. I thought I was looking to receive it, but He knew that I needed to be the giver this time. Shortly after writing that post some weeks ago, Meleana got sick. It wasn't serious and it didn't last very long, but Gary and I had a couple of really rough nights with her where we hardly slept during those 48 hours. I remember holding her in my arms, praying that she would be okay...not so I could get rest, but so she wouldn't have to suffer. I wanted to make the sacrifice because I loved her. It was then that the longing was fulfilled, and my spirit was able to rest in the comfort of knowing that God was calling me to something deeper than what I thought I needed for myself.

Emeline has been writing about a new revelation in her own spiritual life, and I feel like I am going through something similar but in a different kind of way. The one thing I do share in her journey is a renewed sense of faithfulness and commitment to the every day duties placed before me, in every aspect of my life. No, it's not about the spiritual highs anymore. Granted I do get excited when I see God working, but life has settled down into such a state of serenity - even in all the busyness of our schedules. There is a peace...a calm...a wonderful "knowing" that God is in control...

Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I can also feel Dyogi baby #3 moving around a lot more these days. Or maybe it was that we also got to hear Bill Cosby speak live and in person about the road he traveled to get where he is today. Or could it have to do with my once again hearing the stories and saw the faces of the students at Verbum Dei, reminded of the good work being done that so many people take for granted? Or maybe because we were able to attend a full seminar given by Dominic on life after death that truly put this all in perspective. Or could it have been the opportunity we had to watch my SJS boys during their football game because God really did tell me that we'd be able to see them play? It could also be the faith and courage of one 8th grader who led the rosary for his family who was mourning the loss of a cousin killed in front of his own girlfriend. Not to forget the phone conversation I had with one of my coworkers/parents who is recovering from a major surgery, as she envisioned Jesus standing over her among the doctors and nurses who cared for her at such a vulnerable time.

Blessings abound. Blessings always abound, even in our broken world. I don't think God ever runs out of ways to show us that He's here.

Sure, tomorrow holds many hopes and dreams and a million possibilities. But today there's so much to be thankful for.

"Please don't waste the Blood of Jesus"

Precious words from an amazing homily I heard today at Mass.

There is a spiritual aching in my heart for more...more of Him...a thirst for His love and consolation...a desire to keep Him first. It hurts so much that it feels like a form of suffering...so much that I can't even cry the tears hidden behind the mask I wear...and something weighs my spirit down, making me so incredibly sad.

I don't know what else to do except to ask Him for what I need...because I can't even tell what that is...what will fill me up and help me reconnect.

My relationship with Him is strong, but not strong enough. I don't want to just reach out for His hand and feel His grip around my wrist. I want to fall into His arms and experience the depth of His love.

So even this aching...I will offer up to Him,
and pray that He will hear the cry of my heart.

Amen.

+AMDG+

"God gave Himself to you: give yourself to God."

– Bl. Robert Southwell

God's greatest gift

Yay! =)

Yes, it's been hot...but it's days like today that I'm kinda glad we live out in the Westside because it's even hotter in BP.

Anyway, I just want to say thanks to my familia for hanging out at the Ukulele Festival this past weekend. It was SOOOO great!!! Very reminiscent of Hawaii where we were sitting under a big tree in the park listening to live Hawaiian music. What was even better was seeing all the folks walking around with their ukuleles, just hanging out and going to all the workshops. Not a huge crowd but I really liked the experience. I also learned different strumming patterns and picking exercises from the instructor who taught Jake in Hawaii! Gary even ran into the moderator of LMU's Hawaiian Club who he knew when he was in college. Super-excited about the electric tuner we bought. I'm so motivated to get more hours of practice in! =)

On a side note, I've come to the conclusion that I really like the month of October. We celebrate the feast of St. Therese on the 1st, the Guardian Angels on the 2nd, St. Francis of Assisi on the 4th, Our Lady of the Holy Rosary today, Meleana's birthday on the 14th, the feast of St. Teresa of Avila on the 15th, and St. Paul of the Cross on the 20th. My parents also got married on the 18th, which makes it even that much more special. It's a little crazy at work with ITBS testing and Parent Conferences, but there's just a spirit of calm amidst the waves I guess you can say. I was stressed out a few days ago, but things are better now. The prayer routine I have with the kids, daily Mass at SJS, and those spontaneous conversations with Jesus help tremendously.

I noticed that some days my tummy looks big and on other days, it doesn't. Very slow weight gain this time around compared to the pregnancy with Meleana. I've only put on 4 pounds since the very beginning. I guess that's good because it's very controlled. Being married to Gary has given me a great appreciation for good food, but I've been disciplined enough not to eat too much of it! I'm determined to keep my sugar levels low enough so that Dr. Baggot doesn't cut EVERYTHING out of my diet like he did last time! I'll have to get some tips from Jaymee... =)

Okay, enough rambling... TTFN!

Where has the time gone?

I just realized that I should let you know (b/c some of you don't)...

I'm 13 weeks pregnant with Kid #2! (well, actually #3 counting Little Gary) Lots of mixed emotions surrounded the first couple of months after finding out - for various reasons - but I've been very grateful ever since we found out. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant is something that I think many people take for granted because they don't realize what kinds of challenges some women face in order to conceive and to carry the pregnancy to term. So I see this child, and every child I have, as a gift...another opportunity to stretch my heart (as Jaymee says) and teach me how to love more deeply than I did before.

Meleana is growing very well and very quickly! She is now starting to walk on her own, though she does not yet have the agility and balance to prefer moving upright as opposed to crawling. It's so cute to watch her hobble across the living room with her arms stretched out in front of her, grinning from ear to ear. She is also very affectionate - like her dad - always giving me kisses, and kissing all of her stuffed animals. Ati Leilani is her favorite playmate, though she is getting more and more and more comfortable with JJ and Jacob. She loves to tug on Jacob and follow JJ around wherever he goes. It's great seeing the kids together...I can't wait for her to have a sibling so she'll have someone to play with at home, too.

Work has been busy lately, but I'm holding up pretty well so far. My classes have been going well, and my students are super-involved in our discussions, which is always nice. There's so much about our faith to share with them, and it's pretty amazing to see them want to grow and pass on the knowledge they gain at SJS. I'm also enjoying my Literature and English classes because I feel like I have a better handle on the curriculum and can do a whole lot more integration than I have in the past. There are some days where I don't quite get a minute to myself, but I must say that I'm having tons of fun doing what I do. There's so much that I learn from the kids and their parents every year, and I always appreciate being a part of their lives in such a special way.

So that's my update so far. Other than hooking up with Lyn-lyn and company to perform at Oktoberfest, there isn't much more going on with us. The weekly hula practices are great catch-up time for me and my sisters...definitely good for us since we don't see each other as often as we would like. We'll move back someday...someday...right, God? =)

Catch up!

Long time no blog...

Started school on 8/27...great class...awesome first few weeks of school...lots to do but trying to pace myself better this year. Third year at SJS is so much more comfortable...finally feeling "settled" and daring enough to try even more new ideas. It's pretty exciting. This is what my third year at St. Paul felt like, and I really did enjoy the experience of not having to acclimate so much...just growing my roots deeper in a place that encouraged me to share the Faith.

Then there was SCRC...SO NICE to be there...saw coworkers, old friends, people who had walked with me over the years...met a wonderful Carmelite Sister - Sr. Catherine Marie - who was a Candidate when I was discerning...met and intro'ed Charles Whitehead (who I only knew from all the articles I read as Servant Leader)...visited Jesus in the Adoration Chapel...always calling me closer...remembering what He gave me through the Charismatic Renewal...thanking Him for those who keep it very much alive.

Facebook...finally joined after Jenn's coaxing and I'm so glad I did. Reconnecting with high school friends who I never thought I'd see again...Katie, Anahita, Angela...it's crazy to realize how fast we've all grown up after graduation 14 years ago. Found out Katie lives not too far from us and Anahita has a baby, too! Can't wait to see them again. And it dawned on me that when I was younger, my group of friends was so incredibly diverse - different ethnicities and religions, different experiences and interests - but we loved each other because we were friends. It's something I do appreciate about going to a public school...developing that respect for differences...drawing upon our shared humanity that bound our friendships together. A microcosm of the world in a way...

LSS...praying for another outpouring of the Holy Spirit...asking again for conversion...sharing with Chentel that the gifts need to be nurtured in an environment that encourages their use...otherwise when God calls you, you tend to be more hesitant...wondering if it's something you "should still be doing"...healing, prophecying, interceding...when once I knew the kind of community the early Church had been...seeing miracles happen...watching hungry souls being fed. There is a reason why I was brought to that group...there is a reason why we all were...He wants us to understand the Church for what and who She truly is...in all her fullness...with all His power...strengthened by the Sacraments...grounded in the Word and Sacred Tradition...and flourishing when Her members are empowered by the Spirit to do as Jesus did, to love as Jesus loved, to serve as Jesus served. No, it isn't about the feelings anymore. It's about what I know and believe to be true based on the promise of Christ to send His Advocate...as the Apostles were called forth in the Upper Room...it's about continuing mission of the Christian Church in the New Testament.

Yes, life happens and it is quite busy...but each day is an offering to Him and I want to live it as such. Praying, Lord...please help me plan my days that I might go and bear fruit that will last (Jn 15:16). Amen.

Fire tries iron

So interesting what sparks and inspires the soul to get up and move again...to realize that something needs to be done for its own renewal...even if its "coming around" is triggered by a flood of tears flowing through the cracks of a broken heart.

CONSECRATION...nothing without You, Lord...stay humble and little...let Thy Name be praised, not mine; let Thy work be magnified, not mine; let Thy Holy Name be blessed, but let nothing be attributed to me of the praise of men....seeking to be poor in earthly things, but rich in grace and virtue...precious and beloved in the sight of God...as my life on earth continues facing the temptations that show me who I truly am...striving to learn what is the acceptable and perfect will of God for the beginning and the perfection of every good work.

ONCE UPON A TIME...has come and gone. Life, in all its dynamic changes, is never the same. We can wish for the simpler days to return, but what wisdom we would lose in the experiences we have gained. I want my relationship with Him to be what it needs to be for the stage and vocation I am in right at this very moment. How I longed for the "self" I had been when I had first fallen in love with Him, when everything was so exciting and new...but I now understand that I must desire a deeper commitment that reaches beyond the feelings...a faith that keeps me FAITHFUL...a love that I continue to choose every day, no matter which direction the winds may blow. And this relationship cannot be dependent on the people in my life...though they are so special and helpful in my walk with Christ...but when they leave or take different paths, in the end it's just Him holding my hand...keeping my eyes set on the promise of Heaven.

How incredibly blessed I am because He loves me. I am smiling because He is filling the God-shaped hole in my heart with Himself. And that's exactly what I needed...

Thank you, Jesus.

Tidbits

CONSECRATION...Day 1 - asking for a pure heart...Day 2 - asking for humility...Day 3 - judge not, and don't be afraid to seek from God what I need. Praise God for spiritual munchies. My soul was hungry, and I'm so happy that there's always food around to satisfy us. It was really nice visiting Jesus at St. Dominic's for the first time with Meleana, even if it was for just a few minutes...

CHOICES...not everyone is going to agree with what we do, how we raise our families, and decisions we make in life. When we started our journey as parents, I had to accept the fact that certain family members would be in stark opposition to the direction we were headed in. Sometimes I have to beg God for the patience when we are told that our methods are wrong or we are making poor choices, and I constantly need the humility to just zip it when I am personally being criticized. Honestly, it hurts because we don't try to intrude into other people's business...we only offer support where we know it fits best and is most needed. I think every family feels what I feel to an extent...some maybe more than others...and it's hard...but thank God for good advisors and priests...and most especially for the peace that comes when you know you are really okay in His eyes. So (*sigh*) I'm letting it go...

E-PORTFOLIO...I actually finished it two weeks ago. It's not the most elaborate website, but it sums up the last two years of my educational experience at LMU. Since my core subject (Religion) isn't part of the CA Credential Subject Requirements and Standards, I focused much of the evidence and assessments on Language Arts, but since I am a Catholic school teacher, I had to sprinkle it with mention of God's place in this particular ministry. He's why I'm here, so of course I had to give him credit. =) Now I'm officially done with my Master's program, but I just have to finish up two more portions of the credential. This means I need to continue teaching for another two school years...which wasn't in the original plan, but it'll all work out somehow. All in God's time... Here's the link to the ePortfolio, if you want to check it out! http://msdyogi.googlepages.com/

VACATION...is almost over. =p I've needed the rest because the past two months have been exhausting without having to teach, for various reasons...I'm hoping that I'll get a burst of energy when I'm back with the kids, but I will miss being with my baby. How the heart aches...moms who work know what I'm talking about!

Okay, time to go. Nice to blog a bit again...I'll be back again later!

Just let it out!

I used to be really good at holding things in. When something would bother me, I wouldn't want to let the other person know because I figured that if I said anything, they would a) get mad at me, or b) think I was being stupid. Some years ago, 90% of the time this was true...so as time went by, I just learned to keep my mouth shut and no one ever knew anything was wrong.

Now that I'm older (and a little wiser), I know that it's best to try and communicate how I am feeling because I remember that when I'd just stuff my issues away, they'd eventually blow up in my face...or rather at the person I was upset with. It's really nice to be open and honest...to have a good, productive conversation about how a situation can improve if both parties are willing to listen to one another.

Thank God for the grace to spill my guts without running into a brick wall or having it get emotionally messy. Gary noticed I'm getting better at it.

I also very much appreciate the fact that SPC has confession every day. I just went last Saturday and needed to go again yesterday because I uncovered MORE issues I was dealing with...stuff from the past that I never let go of. It felt great to be there...to see Fr. Ed again and get his advice...to visit Jesus and hang out with Meleana in the courtyard.

Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been super-busy working on this ePortfolio for my credential. It's a lot of work but definitely a GREAT way to reflect on my career and what I do for my kids. I'll share it with you guys when I'm done!

Before I go, I have to give you a Meleana update. As of today, she...

• climbs up and down the futon all by herself
  
• stands by herself for a few seconds with a huge smile on her face and her hands above her head to keep herself from falling over
• takes my hands and makes me clap for her when she knows she did something to be proud of
• takes my hands and squishes my cheeks...she loves it when I make a chipmunk face and she pushes the air out of my mouth
• can now find me in the bedroom when she knows I'm in there working
• does this feet-stomping dance, like she's in a hillbilly ho-down
• crawls away when we try to change her diaper...I am now mastering the lap change
  
• tried to feed me her bottle...haha =)

Amazing how she's growing so fast. I will be so sad when summer is over, but I'm very, very grateful that I've had these past couple of months to spend with her and Gary. Teacher vacations are AWESOME. But of course, being home with her full-time will be AWESOM-ER!! =) God willing, someday soon...

Nothing is impossible with God

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?' The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'. They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.'

To which, his father said 'Yes'

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island .

Father and son went on to complete the race together. View this:



We often take for granted the grace that God gives us to get through our struggles. Paralyzed by our own fears and psychological handicaps, we tell ourselves that our goals and our dreams are unreachable...our problems too big...our self-esteem too low...never good enough to "shoot for the stars". God is like this father - yet infinitely even more loving, more powerful, more determined to get us to the Finish Line. He wants us to trust that He can get us there...that He will see us through to the end. He wants us to believe that WE will do it together - with the grace and the strength that HE ALONE provides.

Before watching this video, I honestly felt stuck in a number of possible personal endeavors - telling myself that I couldn't do it because of this excuse and that uncertainty. Knowing that these "projects" are things He wants me to do in order to help people wasn't enough. I was too afraid of failure...of judgment...of not making it there. This story shows that truly NOTHING is impossible with God. He has been our Source of Life since the beginning of time...orchestrating our creation long before we walked this earth...just so He could love us. How can I look at Him and tell Him that He's too limited to help me and and all those who say, "Dad, will you take part in this race with me?"

MY GOD, I LOVE YOU. PLEASE HEAL MY UNBELIEF...

The best things in life are free

So they say you have to have the big bucks to "live the good life", but I beg to differ. I think it's so awesome how the simplest things can make us happy and they don't even cost a dime. Hanging out with family, taking a nap with your kiddo, or joyfully anticipating the birth of a child...these are just some things that some of you have recently talked about...special moments that a million dollars could never buy. The smile of our own little girl is absolutely priceless, and it's so wonderful that even strangers will take the time to say hi to her and see her face brighten up.

God is so good to bless us so much. At Mass today I thanked Him for the free gift of Himself in the Eucharist...the sustenance for our souls...for the life of grace He so generously pours upon us. I really don't think it's possible to have such appreciation for these gifts without faith in God. That's why we are so grateful to have family and friends who share our beliefs and remind us that we should never take the little things for granted.

If we can experience this kind of happiness and peace now, just imagine what Heaven will be like...

Musings

I just got back from taking a walk with Meleana through downtown Culver City. We walked Gary to work and then hung out on in front of Restaurant Row. She's so cute when she smiles at the people strolling by. Just yesterday she started talking again. Gary and I were surprised because she hadn't really said anything in two weeks. She'll laugh and giggle a lot, cry and scream every once in a while, but no babbling. It's funny because she would make this "Yoda face" and blow air through her closed lips, like she's trying to say something but nothing would come out. So now she's back to "ba-ba-ba-ba".

Last night she learned how to climb up on the futon. She also knows how to find me in the apartment. If she's with Dad in the living room and she knows I went to the bathroom, she'll crawl over and greet me through the door with her adorable toothless grin (well, she's got a tooth in the front poking out). She still makes "zerberts" when she's bored and her favorite pastime is pulling out all the DVDs from the shelves after she's done flipping through the pages of her "The Story of Mary" book. Every so often we'll put her in her makeshift Pampers boxcar that Gary made her and take her for a ride across the living room floor, though most of her day is spent exploring and learning as much as she can about our humble abode.

We're still teaching her words and numbers as much as we can, though we haven't moved as quickly through the program as Doman prescribes because I've had a hard time keeping up with making the cards. Nevertheless, she really likes it so we're just going to try to step it up again now that I'm on vacation. She loves the Word World segments on YouTube, and since she sees me on the computer a lot, anything she gets to watch on the computer is always a treat for her.

Word World is now one of my favorite kid shows - it promotes children's literacy through this world that is made up of words. Everything is spelled out...from the characters' bodies to their houses and their furniture. It's pretty neat because it uses literacy concepts like phonics and word segmentation to stimulate reading. What's interesting is that Don Moody was inspired to create the show as his young child was growing through the early developmental stages. He himself was a Title I student who knew the importance of building a solid foundation in early childhood literacy. For those of you with little munchkins at home (or want to have a little munchkin someday), check it out! It's on every day at 10:30am on PBS.

Happy Anniversary!

To celebrate two years, Gary, Meleana, and I attended Mass at SPC, had lunch at Macaroni Grill, then drove down to San Diego and stayed overnight at The Catamaran in Mission Bay. Kudos to Jaimee for recommending this place for our little getaway! She told me about it last year, so I thought we could try it out since a trip to Hawaii isn't in our budget this year. =)

It was overcast and chilly on Tuesday so we didn't get to go swimming, but we had a really nice view of the bay from our room and got to watch a torch-lighting ceremony with a half-hour hula/Tahitian performance, complete with a fire-knife dance! For dinner, we went to Nick's Seafood and had Sesame Crusted Ahi, Mustard Crusted Salmon, and this DELICIOUS tiramisu for dessert! I wanted to finish it but I couldn't because I was so full, but it was soooo good!!!

On Wednesday, we strapped the baby in Gary's Snugli and walked around Pacific Beach to the Pier where they have these little cottages built right above the ocean. They were really cute, but I don't think I'd get a good night's sleep hearing waves crashing right below me. =p On the way back home, we stopped by Torrance to eat dinner and buy some bread from King's Hawaiian so I could make grilled cheese sandwiches. I'm super-excited to make them because 1) they're very yummy, and 2) I can't mess up cooking them...hahaha =)

Even if we're on a limited cash flow these days, it's nice that we still managed to fit in a mini-vacation of some sort for our anniversary. We could definitely do San Diego again or go back to Glen Ivy (last year's spot), but next year we might try something new - who knows? With life so incredibly busy and time flying by at lightning speed, those yearly celebrations are worth taking time out to appreciate how precious our relationship is to us...

Greatest Days with Gary

Yesterday was definitely a day that makes it on the "Greatest Days with Gary" list. Since we needed to postpone our July 4th plan to hang out with family, Gary, Meleana, and I spent early Saturday afternoon with Leilani at Splash in La Mirada. It was our first time there, and it was so fun! Meleana loved the water park - seeing all the different fountains and watching Ate run through them. The four of us went through the Lazy River (that's the COOLEST part)...Gary on an inner tube, Leilani swimming ahead, and me carrying Meleana in a baby life jacket. She was scared when we got in the water, but she got used to it after a while. Gary and Leilani are so funny - they did a Shamu show impersonation at the edge of the kiddie pool. =) It's too bad we don't live closer...we'd definitely get a season pass and go there all the time!

After we took Leilani home, we went to 99 Ranch Market to buy the rest of the ingredients for Gary's seafood boil. I had no idea what this dish was until I saw it being cooked on TV, and he had this urge to cook it so we planned a get-together at Em and Rob's house to make it for the family. You know, 99 Ranch is a lot nicer than it was back in the 90's when I used to go with my parents. It's cleaner and doesn't smell as fishy...and they have a nice little bakery, too. Honestly, my favorite section is the ice cream, but we had to go pick out some crawfish, shrimp, and crab. I don't know anything about buying seafood because I dreaded having to watch my dad handle the live crabs and throw them in the bag. So sad for the reject crabs that don't get picked because they are missing limbs...but I guess they get to live longer! The whole time we were there I was just imagining "Finding Nemo" and what the fish and crabs would be saying if they could talk...hehe =)

So we get to Em and Rob's and Gary hits the kitchen. Everyone else starts showing up and we're all pretty much hanging out as he's hard at work making this seafood boil. The effort he puts into the preparation of anything he makes is impressive, and so is the presentation. But THIS time, he outdid himself! It was AMAZING...even more so because it was his first try. Those who cook well are surely ones to be admired because it takes patience and a lot of care and attention to make food so delicious (that's why I just wash dishes!). We had a great time enjoying this wonderful meal...all gathered around the table in the backyard with the seafood spread mixed with sausage, potatoes, and corn...drinking Emeline's lemonade and finishing it off with Jenn and Dave's Nutella ice cream cones.

My husband finds so much joy from serving other people, whether it be cooking for them or helping them heal from an injury. It has been the greatest experience being married to him these past two years and watching him make people happy (most especially Meleana!). Thank you, Lord, for sending me such a blessed gift in Gary. What an awesome journey this is...

Happy Summer!

To mark the beginning of summer, Yahoo's logo has this super-cool animated picture with kids going through a Slip-n-Slide. If you place the cursor over it, the sprinklers turn on and you see the kids one by one running and sliding across the screen. It reminds me of the summer days when we would go to our cousins' house in West Covina and play Slip-n-Slide in their front yard. Those were the days... =)

I haven't blogged in a while, so I must wish my sister and BiL happy belated birthdays, plus the rest of the June birthday gang (there are so many of you!). Happy belated Father's Day also to Rob, Mike, Mo, and Gary, of course!

These last few weeks have been incredibly busy with the end-of-the-year wrap up and my last Masters class. There were moments I didn't think I'd be able to pull it off, but thanks be to God for the strength and stamina to get through it. Now all I have to do is write my final comprehensive paper, complete my portfolio, do my 60 hours of public school observation, and finish the TPAs in the fall. Sounds like a lot, but after 2 years in the program, this last home stretch is a relief.

I would NEVER have been able to do it all without Gary. He's watched the baby while I've had to go to work and while I've written papers...made her baby food and changed her diapers...washed bottles and did her laundry...put her to sleep when she wanted to stay up later than me...got up in the middle of the night when she needed to eat...took multiple hits when she couldn't hold her food down during her coughing fits...brought her to the doctor and gave her medicine when she'd fight against it...cooked dinner every night...all with a smile on his face (when he wasn't extremely exhausted!)... He's just amazing.

This past week Gary went to St. Louis for his Athletic Training convention. It was my first time alone with Meleana for longer than a day, and I'm glad that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be without him. We had a lot of fun together...lots of good quality Mommy-and-Daughter time. We did miss him, though, and I wouldn't want the trips to be a regular occurrence like they were before. So ironic that it was just a couple of years ago when we were having conversations about a not-so-remote possibility that he could work for the Lakers...that it had always been his dream as a trainer to go Pro...not ever imagining that he would leave his job at a Division I school and give up his career to stay home and take care of our baby.

While we now talk about different options for him as we're looking to make the switch after this coming school year, he told me that his passion right now is Meleana. He will eventually go back to work, but he really is good at what he does at home. There was a recent segment on stay-at-home dads on ABC, and I wish that they took more time to give the world a better glimpse into the lives of these men. It's a huge sacrifice for them to take on a non-traditional role and care for their children while their wives are at work. I think I truly appreciate the effort I see from the stay-at-home dads because my dad took care of us during the times when he couldn't work. It was a little different for him because it wasn't so much of a choice (he really wanted to work), but Daddy did a wonderful job with us - which is why I had such a great relationship with him.

Last night we drove to Oxnard for our Uncle Lew's graduation party. The one-man-band was playing all kinds of music and Gary took Meleana out on the dance floor. I must say that it was one of most touching sights I have ever seen. It reminded me of my dad who used to dance around with me and try to teach me how to waltz when I was older. Gary said that he hoped I didn't feel left out, but I told him that I wanted to cry (in a good way) when I watched the two of them.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got here. I remember how much I would long to be a Carmelite...to sit in the choir and pray with the Sisters...to kneel in front of the Tabernacle every night to say good night to Jesus...to serve and love the Lord as my spouse and only love. But when God gives me moments to cherish with my husband and child...when I see my little girl smiling at me with her crinkled little nose...when she falls asleep peacefully in my lap just as she is now...I cannot second guess His plan for my life because it definitely is just as beautiful.

Tagged!

So I decided to take a grading break and work on my 6 factoids! Here you go...

1. BROWN…is my favorite color. Ever since I found out that the Carmelites wear brown because it is the color of the earth, I’ve been drawn to wear it also. When I was teaching my 6^th graders at St. Paul about the Carmelite habit, they were the ones who noticed I wore it all the time. As Em’s closet has lots of blue, my closet has lots of brown. I try to buy other colors, too, but I end up defaulting to the earth tones when I go shopping for clothes, shoes, and purses. I thought I’d end up dressing my kiddo in brown, too, but little girl clothes come mostly in pink. At first I didn’t like the idea of having her in pink all the time, but it’s seemed to grow on me and I don’t mind it at all. =)

2. LITTLE GARY…is the name of our first baby. He was only six weeks in the womb when he left us, but I have a very special connection to him because he is still my child. We have an altar in our bedroom with mementos of him…a little framed picture of his last ultrasound, a figurine of a mother holding a little boy in her arms (given by Lyn-lyn), a picture of Jesus holding a baby in Heaven. Dr. Baggot gave us his rosary on the day when he broke the news about the miscarriage, and Meleana likes to carry it around and hold it when we are praying for Dad while he is at work. We even have Leilani’s drawings of Little Gary saying goodbye still posted on our refrigerator door (he looks like a peanut with a hand waving “bye”). He talks to me sometimes, especially when I pray to him for help when I’m feeling sad. It’s such a comfort to know that I have a child in Heaven who intercedes for our family here on earth. What a joy it will be to be with him again someday…

3. WATCHING GARY AND MELEANA SLEEP…is one of my favorite pastimes. I’ll wake up a little earlier than them and just smile as I spend a few moments each morning to appreciate the blessings they both are to me. I don’t ever regret making the choice we made to have the baby sleep with us at night because it just feels like the most natural thing to do. The cutest thing is seeing her lying on top of Gary while both of them are taking a nap together. They have a very special bond that has grown since he had begun staying home with her six months ago. She’s such a “Daddy’s girl”! My dad and I were very close and I’m so glad that Meleana will be able to share that kind of relationship with her dad.

4. COMPETITION…is not my forte, but I like to play games. Although I don’t have as much time or opportunity anymore, I get a kick out of board games, card games, and video games that aren’t too hard. When we were little we used to go to our cousins’ house in West Covina and play Bingo with the family. I remember the days back home when we would play Taboo, and our friends would be upset because my sisters and I had inside jokes and information that we could use to communicate with each other in order to win. Then we would play Scattergories at Crescent where Robby would make up answers and try to pass them off as legit (like “apple ice cream”…hehe!). In the early Monk days, we would get together at Shelly-O’s house to also play Taboo and Gestures – Alphas against Betas – and Jenn would get upset at Summer for gloating about their wins. I also used to play card games a lot when I was younger. It must have been at least ten years since I’d played Speed, but after our Newspaper Staff pizza party last Thursday, some of the kids asked me if I wanted to play against Michaela who was the fastest hand at SJS. I sat down in front of her, got a quick refresher on the rules, and I won! Mallory was quite proud of me – it was quite the accomplishment! And this summer, I think I’ll try to finish off Lego Star Wars on PS2. I bought it for Gary last year and was on a roll, but I haven’t touched it since last summer. I love this game because 1) I love Star Wars and 2) it’s easy! Well, except for the podracer level…but otherwise, I really like the little Lego action figures that go around fighting all the bad guys. It’s pretty cool. =)

5. HAWAII…I love everything about it…the scenery, the beaches, the people, the music, the dances, the culture, and the food! Our first trip to Hawaii must have been when I was in fifth or sixth grade (Kauai)…then we went again when I was in ninth grade (Kauai and Maui)…and again in 2000 when I graduated from college (Oahu, Kauai, and the Big Island)…then again in 2003 to plan Em and Rob’s wedding (Maui)…and in 2004 for Em and Rob’s wedding (Maui, Molokai, and Oahu)…and yet again in 2006 for our honeymoon (Big Island and Kauai). I have so many great memories from all of those trips…favorite places…favorite luaus and restaurants…and favorite churches, too! Whenever I was with my family, our big thing was going to scenic landmarks. We’d visit waterfalls, gardens, museums, plantations, and drive all over the islands to see as much as we could. I remember us kids getting seasick on a glassbottom boat tour…driving to Hana and almost falling off a cliff…appreciating the Maui sunset at the beach with my dad…going to the Smith Family Plantation and Luau for the first time in Kauai…being attacked by termites with Shell and Chel…going for morning runs with Emeline…listening to local music at the Kauai concert stadium on the 4^th of July…buying my first koa wood ukulele with Abie on Molokai…making a pilgrimage to Fr. Damien’s church…staying overnight at the Army camp on the Kiluaea volcano…seeing my first sea turtle up close and personal on the Big Island…taking the Na Pali Coast tour and watching a family of dolphins swim alongside our boat…taking pictures at PCC with Leilani as “my little hula doll”. When I recently went back with Gary, it was a different kind of experience because he’d never been to Hawaii, and it was so much fun introducing him to the places I’d been to before. Being the avid TV-watcher that he is, he would stay up and watch the island tour programs over and over again to find out what else we could do and where else we could go…and more importantly, where we could eat! We found really great restaurants and did a lot of things that I hadn’t experienced before – like going to a slack key concert, visiting the Kauai Cookie Factory, spending some time in praise and worship (and dance!) with a Samoan Christian youth group, and snorkeling on the northwestern reef of Kauai. Gary even taught me how to bodysurf! The only thing we didn’t get a chance to do was attend a Mass in Hawaiian – that will just have to wait until next time! We’d love to go back and take Meleana when she’s older, and also to share it with the rest of the family and her cousins. Hopefully someday!

6. THE ROSARY…is my favorite devotion. I pray it every morning on the way to work…something I started (on September 11, 2001 – to be exact) when I was working at St. Paul of the Cross. I noticed on days when I wouldn’t pray it for whatever reason, my days would not run as smoothly and I wouldn’t be able to handle my classes with as much patience. It really helped on my hour and a half commute to and from Verbum Dei, and now that Gary is working again, I find it very empowering to be able to pray for him while he is not home. I have had very special rosaries that I’ve chosen to give to people at very special times – my St. Therese rose petal rosary went to Brice at his uncle’s funeral; my first dogwood rosary was given to G-nee as a parting graduation gift; I gave my rosary made by Tito Johnny to Cecille after a tough break-up; another rosary of mine was given to Aly at her cousin’s funeral; and my 2^nd dogwood rosary was left as a thanksgiving offering on the grille of the Shrine of Our Mother of Perpetual Help in the Poland church where Pope John Paul II was baptized. And there have been rosaries given to me as well – Papa Jon loaned me his rosary during a very difficult time some years ago; Kevin H. gave me the rosary I use now which was made by his aunt; as I mentioned before, Dr. Baggot gave us his own rosary as a memento for Little Gary’s passing; and Michaela gave me a beautiful handmade rosary while I was pregnant to give to the baby when she was born. There is incredible value to praying on these beads. It was the daily Rosary that helped my family through the sickness and death of my father. When the survival of our first baby was in question, Dr. Baggot immediately suggested that we pray a Rosary together right there in his office. When I had to walk around the hospital for an hour to help the labor along, Gary and I prayed all four sets of mysteries without my feeling any pain the entire time. As I was pushing with all my might to deliver Meleana, Gary was beside me praying the Rosary until it was all over. There is no better way to journey through life than being held in the arms of Mary. Through trials and despair, in times of joy and success…she is there interceding for us in all of our needs.

Now I tag:

EILEEN and LEO! It's your turn! =)

I PASSED!!!

I passed the CSET!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! =)

This means that I can move forward with my final credential class. I'm taking my last class for my Master's degree, but I was so afraid that I would have to take one or two of the subtests over again. Some of my classmates didn't have as much luck, but I hope they got it this time around.

But I'm so HAPPY!!!

I know I need to do my 6 random factoids, but (sorry, Rob and Em) it will have to wait until later this week because we have grades due.

It's pretty crazy trying to wrap up the year. I'm showing Therese to the 6th graders and Padre Pio to the 7th graders. I love how they're so into both movies. We stopped at the part where Therese enters Carmel and Padre Pio enters the monastery as a Franciscan. Perfect timing for a good vocations talk tomorrow. Can't wait...

BTW, please pray for my cousin Maurice. He officially starts police academy today!

Blogging

I'm taking a technology class for Summer Session 1 at LMU, and it's interesting to reflect on this new digital culture that has developed out of such widespread use of technology. Cell phones, iPods, webcams, laptops, video games...the generation growing up in this day and age only knows what it is to live completely immersed in all of these things.

Take this blog, for instance. Anyone can read what I'm writing. Why do I choose to write it here and not in a paper journal? I have one, and sometimes I crack it open to jot down thoughts I don't need the whole world looking at. But there are times when I just want to BLOG. I want to sit down in front of my computer and type.

I think I blog because deep down I still want to be a writer, and blogging is a way to publish my thoughts while taking the risk that what I write will be judged, criticized, appreciated, or even shared. Of course, I don't get a whole lot of feedback outside of the occasional comment from my relatives and friends, but there is some satisfaction in this form of expression and seeing what I have written be "put out there".

It also doesn't take up any space. I have a box of notebooks in my closet - a collection of journals that span the course of maybe 5-6 years of my life. On this blog, I have a list of archived entries that I can browse through just by clicking a button. To add to that, I can add pictures! It's so nice to be able to look back at what I'd written months and years before, recalling good times and tough times, but constantly seeing the hand of God working in all of those instances.

What's interesting is that my blogging experience over the past five years has given me the skills to create a classroom blog that has contributed greatly to how I teach and make resources available to my students. I'm sure there's so much more I can do with it, but after just a year of using it, I'm amazed at the impact it has had in communication between me and my students. I can post Powerpoints and YouTube videos for them...the tagboard is available for them to ask me questions...website links are provided to support the content areas that I teach.

Here's the link so you can see what I'm talking about: http://www.sjs7thgrade.blogspot.com/

When we (the junior high teachers) first set up our blogs last fall, we found all these widgets for games to add to our blogs. I wanted to put Puzzle Bobble on mine because I LOVE that game, but I took it off...not because I thought it would distract the kids but because I was addicted to it!

Alas, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, and I'm excited to see what other modes of technology I can integrate into the curriculum. There's so much out there - it's overwhelming - but at least I'm learning.

Give us this day our daily bread

Ever since I became a teacher, I have found myself praying this prayer in a totally different way than I had known before. Eight hours a day (actually 11, when you account for prep and grading) for five days a week with 100+ students over 6 subjects can definitely take a lot out of you. But when I just let God pick up where my energy leaves off, it's a much better day.

Some highlights of the week so far:

• Upon asking donations to Catholic Relief Services for the victims in China and Myanmar, two of my 6th graders decided to set up their own lemonade stand on Sunday in the blazing heat. They raised $25 and were quite proud of themselves!
• When asking for an example of an exorcism miracle today, one of my 7th grade boys brought up the Gospel from Monday's Mass. The some of the kids even remembered more of the details from the reading than I did. Sometimes I'm not sure if they're paying attention, but they actually are!
  
• A few of the 6th graders let me know that they wished they had someone to talk to about things that are going on at home and at school, just to get advice or have someone simply listen to them. I offered an open ear because I knew how badly I needed the same guidance they were asking for...

One soul at a time

A field of daffodils...
A shore of starfish...
A garden of souls...

...stories that teach us how important it is to make a difference one person at at time.

I'm not the best teacher in the world and my classroom is definitely not perfect, but we learn together - my students and I - about the lessons life has to offer. My fellow teachers know this is true every day. Something happens that we can't necessarily see...a molding and forming of heart and conscience...a deepening of faith and an understanding of relationship...opening eyes to new ways of seeing the world in its desperate brokenness...becoming more human in the feelings we let ourselves feel and the thoughts we are brave enough to express. I, along with them, change.

My daughter will someday sit before me and read about the richness of human history, learn about the mysteries of God, inquire about the intricacies of science...and eventually she, too, will enter a classroom and continue to grow in knowledge as she discerns what direction to take in life. How I pray that she will not be afraid to use her gifts...that she will always be encouraged to go where God leads her...that I as her mother will trust the Lord enough to let her stretch her wings and fly someday.

Much is stirring in my mind, dear Jesus. Please help me sort through what I cannot grasp...
conversion...examination...preparation...evaluation...memorization...contemplation... What I do not understand is already understood. What I cannot foresee is already in the works. You have my deepest desires cradled in Your hands, O Lord. And yet, I must gaze intently on the reflection of my own soul...why do I suffer so?

Because I...am afraid.

Caught in a whirlwind of "what-ifs" that threaten to rob me of my peace...and I run to You for shelter, my God of refuge and strength...as no one can know what I am truly experiencing, I should not fear judgment...since You alone know my heart.

Whoever thought that Ebenezer Scrooge could be an instrument of grace?

Past..present...future.

I am a collection of memories...an evolution of events...a consequence of disappointments...but still so much more than just a casualty.

Mother Angelica went through it, too.

Thank you for the pieces, Lord. I'm trying my best to pay attention and I hear You. I hear what You are trying to say. And my baby...little Gary...he speaks to me, too.

"Don't give up, Mommy. Don't give up."

I see his picture on our altar...our first child...and I remember. Everything has a purpose. While we may not see it right away, God allows each given moment - bitter or sweet - to grant us a great blessing.

Thanks be to God.

p.s. I'm taking two subtests of the CSET tomorrow. Believe it or not, reviewing for this test has made me extremely excited to teach this stuff someday. Please pray that I pass!

p.p.s. And I decided to extend my credential program. Why? I got sick last week and missed three days of work. It wasn't realistic for me to cram all that work into a month and a half, on top of May Crowning, Graduation, and closing up the school year. That means I'll be at St. Jerome for another year. God's will be done...

p.p.p.s. (I know, this should just be another entry) I read this today in Raymond Arroyo's bio of Mother Angelica: "These are the kinds of things, honey, that prove God's providence. We never know where the next penny's coming from. That's what I'm trying to get through people's heads: This is an act of God."

A for Effort

"God doesn't expect us to be perfect...He just wants us to try our best."

I think I expect a lot out of myself. I suppose that's a good thing, in the sense that it contributes to a good work ethic...but sometimes I'm not realistic. Trying to do too much with limited resources (i.e., time and energy) leads to burnout (and in my case, a lupus episode).

My friends tell me that I need to let things go every once in a while...like not work so hard. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying to learn. If certain things don't get done right away, it's not a big deal. So instead of fretting about how I need to do less, I'm just making an effort to give more time to who is most important.

When I opened the front door yesterday, Meleana was going nuts...like a puppy wagging her tail because she was so happy to see me. Gary said she was laying on his chest just relaxing, and as soon as she heard me unlocking the door, she started jumping up and down. I LOOOOOVE my little kiddo. =)

She gives me slobbery kisses on the cheek, all on her own. So it's not a major milestone as noted by the nations' pediatricians, but it's groundbreaking in my book!

Done with making plans

I thought I learned my lesson years ago, but it's so easy to fall back into the old habit of trying to map out my life.

Just can't do it. The more I plan, the less control I have. But who ever said I have control in the first place?

Helllloooooo!!! Right, God, I remember now. You're the one who holds the world in Your hands. All time belongs to You, not to me. You know the future, so why am I trying to figure it out for myself?

They say, "When you want to make God laugh, start making plans."

I think God is past the point of laughter. He's shaking His head, waiting for me to get with His program.

Nothing about my life was on the To-Do list that was set up according to my own timeline. The marriage, the husband, the baby, the job, the move to LA, the Master's degree...if you told me five years ago today - May 9, 2003 - that any of this was going to happen, I would have thought you were absolutely CRAZY.

2003...wow, how things have changed...back then I was at a different place with different worries and concerns...wondering what God was going to do with me and how He was going to fix all the broken pieces of my life.

HE HAD A PLAN. He always has. Still the same God...nothing about Him has changed...and five years from now, I will look back at today and say, "Thank you, Lord. You pulled through for me once again!"

Now I'm laughing. =) What the heck am I worried about? I don't know. After thinking about it, everything is fine. Everything is perfectly fine.

Be at Peace

Prayer of St. Francis de Sales

Be at peace
Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life;
rather look to them with full hope as they arise.
God, whose very own you are,
will deliver you from out of them.
He has kept you hitherto,
and He will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will bury you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same everlasting Father who cares for you today
will take care of you then and everyday.
He will either shield you from suffering,
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

- Courtesy of Courtney, 8th grade

******************************

One of my kids reminded me that when I don't know what to do, I must pray. Of course I knew that, but I wasn't fully surrendering it all to the hands of God like I should have been.

Then Saturday happened.

I wasn't sure what the Holy Spirit would do. I did know that He would pull through for me and give me the right words, as He always had done. I didn't plan on sharing my story, but Dominic told me to so I did.

After the talk, I met four people. One amazing woman who also had lupus and was going through chemotherapy. Another woman who said thank you with the deepest sense of gratitude I had ever encountered. And the most beautiful couple who had just lost their own child in miscarriage.

Tito Tom wonders why God still calls him to put these seminars together. On Saturday, I just happened to meet his answers.

I realized that if you are going to believe in God, then you have to trust Him with your whole being. This means knowing that He's there ALWAYS taking care of all your needs. It means seeing life with the eyes of faith and recognizing people as great blessings, even if they feel like crosses.

So maybe there is a price when it comes to saying "Yes" to God, but the miracles you get to witness and the joy that fills your heart when you experience His power and love are definitely worth the sacrifices.

Praise God also for my family...for my super-duper wonderful husband and my super-duper happy baby girl...for the people who help me grow in virtue...for my mom and my brother and my sisters and their husbands...for my niece and nephews...and for the Kings whose home provides enough smiles and laughter to make up for some pretty rough days.

God really is good all the time.

Penance

How the Lord knows our hearts and tells us what we need to hear...

Psalm 118

Let those who fear the LORD say,
“His mercy endures forever.”

If God will continue to forgive me, then I need to show as much mercy as I receive.

I was hard pressed and was falling,
but the LORD helped me.
My strength and my courage is the LORD,
and he has been my savior.

There is no reason to fear or be distressed. He has carried me through more difficult situations. Remember...remember how He has been there...

This is the day the LORD has made;
let us be glad and rejoice in it.

Blessings abound on even the worst days. If I'm so caught up in what is going wrong, how can I see all that is going right?

And I kept reading...

1Peter 1:3-9

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,
kept in heaven for you who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith,
to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time.

The inheritance is waiting for me. My day of rest will come, if I can just stay faithful...

In this you rejoice, although now for a little while
you may have to suffer through various trials,
so that the genuineness of your faith,
more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire,
may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor
at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

This life isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. I need to be challenged, otherwise my spirit will grow lax. It's just for a little while compared to all eternity...

Although you have not seen him you love him;
even though you do not see him now yet believe in him,
you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy,
as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Can I offer Him a sacrifice of praise? Can I love Him, and believe in Him, and thank Him with the love and faith and gratitude that God alone deserves?

******************************

Dear Jesus,

My heart is being pulled in so many directions. I have a great desire to serve, but I am so easily distracted and it is difficult for me to see what I must do.

You made me a teacher and placed within me a deep love for my students. I have cared for them as my own, striving to share with them the riches and truths of Your Church. I have spent hours upon hours pouring into them all that You have taught me. I have loved nothing more than to see them grow in faith and come to know You as their Lord and friend.

Now I am a wife and mother who longs so much to be at home with my husband and daughter. How painful it is to realize that I don't feel like a mom because work and school take up all of my time. The most I have been able to give my baby are the nights we spend lying next to each other with her resting in the crook of my arm as she has done since the day she was born.

I ask You, dear Jesus, to please show me what You want me to do. I woke up this morning not wanting to leave, but when I sat with one of my girls who needed consolation from a terrible loss, I knew that St. Jerome is where I needed to be...at least for today.

I know I need to be patient. When it's time to leave, I'm sure You'll let me know. You always do. I will wait and trust, and I will give You my heart so you may do with it what You will. We both know that it needs some work...

Love

I had my eighth graders reflect on their definition of love. One of them added this at the end...

"Sometimes you might think someone does not love you.....remember this..... 'If someone does not love you the way you want them to, it does not mean they do not love you the best way they know how.' "

Wow.

Do the right thing

It's not easy to teach middle school students...but when you have those teachable moments and they are better people because of it, you know you're making a difference.

I'm doing better. Still tired, but I'm feeling a bit more encouraged today.

Thank you, Holy Spirit. I owe this one to you...

Hanging by a thread

Breathe...take a deep breath and just breathe. But I want to cry and I don't even know how to just let go and let God. Relax...how? So much to do...barely hanging on...but still believing that He's there. Looking for something...answers to my questions...more questions that never really go away...but it's all right. Nothing's going wrong because I'm surrounded by blessings...I can't forget that. After consuming His Precious Blood, I felt His Spirit fill me...for that moment the exhaustion fled. And then I think about tomorrow...

Oh, Lord...hear my prayer...I really need you right now.

One Day at a Time

Lots going on right now...the last few months have been a real adjusting period...but life is different these days.

I'm still working at St. Jerome. I'm finishing up my Masters/credential at LMU. I have a daughter and a husband I wish I could spend more time with.

"How are you able to do it?" a classmate asked me this morning, who also happens to have a three-month-old daughter of his own.

I admitted to feeling overwhelmed, but I told him that I had to take things one day at a time. There was no sense worrying about everything I had to get done...I just had to do it. That's what my dad taught me when he was alive.

A couple of weeks ago, I was so stressed out. I felt guilty about not being able to do it all, and then I realized that I couldn't be Superwoman. I had to let go of my own expectations and stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the perfect teacher, wife, mother, sister, and friend. I hoped people would understand, and I could only be grateful for the support that Gary was giving me through it all.

To top it all off, I felt so disconnected from God. I forgot how to talk to Him, and most of all, I couldn't hear Him because I was too busy.

So I decided to put Him first.

After watching Facing the Giants again with my 7th graders, I remembered how important it was to pray...not just in class with the kids and at night before I went to bed...but every moment...every chance I got. I was no longer concerned that my spiritual life had changed dramatically from being full of mysticism to being nothing but complete silence.

I just started talking to Him again. Even if I didn't hear anything right away, I just gave Him my time because He deserved it.

Then viola! the peace returned.

We had a chance to vent today in class...about anything...and I wanted to. But I didn't. I didn't feel like I had to anymore.

I'm actually starting to enjoy the process that life is, even if it's been very challenging.

So all in all, I can't neglect my spirit and I can't stop praying. Because if I do, I'll fall apart. I have to believe that He's there for me.

I have so much more to write, but I've got a RICA review session to go to now.

'Til next time...

Change the World

"Sanctify yourself and you will sanctify society."

– St. Francis of Assisi

I prayed for more grace today as I waited to receive communion at our school Mass. Thank you, Lord. I think I got it. =)