You're all smiles

The Purity Christ Gave to the Leper

Purity penetrates into the innermost recesses of the soul, dissolving the scum of egoism, the accumulations of wrong desires, the mixture of fear, suspicion, and baseness which prejudices had formed in us in spite of ourselves. Purity passes through them, and out beyond. For the pure in heart the world has no murky depths; they penetrate through to the well-spirng of life...

From them there is no difference between appearance and reality. What they show us is the perfection of their nature, in all its poise and equilibrium, a perfection which indeed renders it invisible, like God, water, light, and virtue.

The opposite of purity is anxiety, which unfailingly creates a division in the soul; but purity abolishes all strife between the soul and herself. A pure soul is at all times everything that she is. Purity is the quality of the child who freely shows us his inner self, before the process of repression and distortion has set in...

The perfection of purity is precisely that instead of seeking to protect itself by keeping apart from the world, it proves its strength and efficacy by passing through all uncleanness in the world without receiving any taint, but rather leaving in its midst its own radiance. Even hostility becomes a new source of strength, a trial which is never long absent.

- Loius Lavelle, prominent Christian philosopher

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Dearest Lord,

Please purify me to the very depths so that I may see you and hear you and recognize your presence in everything and everyone around me.

My soul is so thristy for your grace...my heart hungry for your love...my mind longing for your truth...with all that I am, I seek your face and reach for your hand to lift me up from the ground where I kneel at your feet.

It's your peace that I need, the serenity I have missed, the great joy in loving you that I desire again for the sake of my life with you.

I die many deaths and rise as many times as I strive to overcome my self and live for you alone. It can be so difficult, Lord, to remember why I am here, but it has been through the enlightenment of your Spirit that I have been able to realize how much I miss you.

Yet you have been here all of these years, waiting for me to come back...to start searching again for meaning and purpose...to understand that I can be loved by you and those who also want to love me.

So for every temptation I face that threatens to draw me away from you or harm the relationships that you have given me, I pray for the strength to battle with the great weapon of love. I want not only to turn away from sin and selfishness, but to choose what is good and holy.

I am a week away from being inaugurated into a new ministry, where the demands are much and the pressures more than taxing.

But it is more than just a ministry...it is a Sacrament...a vocation...a calling from God.

I told myself that I didn't want to be a leader anymore because of the warfare and the exhaustion that comes with being on the front line.

Marriage, however, is more serious than any organization I have ever been a part of. Being a wife and mother (God willing) is much more important than any position I have ever held in my life. I say this because Gary and I will be joining the millions of men and women in the world who have answered this call and chosen this vocation for themselves.

The challenge presented to us in these times is to restore the dignity of this noble relationship...this covenant that society has debased to a legal contract.

And for us, it all is determined by how much I love him...how much he loves me...how much we are willing to sacrifice for each other in this lifetime...and how much we will strive for heaven as our ultimate destination.

I've been thinking about him all day, and praying for your grace, Lord, to stay sensitive to his needs and serve him well. Please help me always remember that he is your gift to me. He is your love made physically real, the salve to my wounded heart, the melody to the song I had forgotten how to sing.

We will soon be joined as one to give glory to you through our union together. May we and all married couples keep the fire of your love burning bright in our lives, so that the reality and essence of marriage will be made the standard again in this world.



Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.

Amen.

A celebration of life

There is LOTS to celebrate among my family and friends these days.

Nephew #1 - Jacob Ryan Moya (a.k.a. "babalooksi"), son of Robby and Emeline
Nephew #2 - Noah King, son of cousins Maurice and Jaymee
Nephew #3 - Joshua Bryan Padilla, son of cousins Ryan and Amabelle

Recent engagement - Michael and my sister Roselynn...wedding date January 6, 2006!

Jenn should also be having her baby soon. Noreen, too!

It was some years ago when I was more comfortable at funerals than I was at weddings and baby arrivals. I'm glad things are turning around, event-wise.

So the realization I'm taking into our wedding is that we're really grateful for the opportunity to open it up to everyone. Because of the way it is set up, anyone who wants to come can come. It's not to show off because there isn't anything showy about the wedding, by any means. There aren't even going to be flowers at the altar. Only the arrangement that is normally in front of Mama Mary. I guess I just wanted the church to look as much as it does when I walk into it to go to Mass...the way it had looked everyday when I sought Him out, wanting to know that He was there for me...that He was there for us.

The more I imagine the day, July 8th - two weeks and two days from now - it will be more of a celebration of life.

A new beginning.

A day of gratitude for everyone who has been part of our faith and part of our lives.

Because it took a lot to get where we are.

I'm not talking about financial or professional success.

I'm talking about spiritual and emotional growth.

And every person that we could think of who contributed to that in each or both of us was invited to share that day with us.

If you think about it, the only time that people get together for you like this is when you die. They hear that you passed away and anyone who ever knew you and was a significant part of your life suddenly return to give your family condolences. It's a very bittersweet reunion.

I am so incredibly familiar with it because I remember meeting some of my dad's friends again after years of distance...seeing relatives who I've only met as a child. And I'll never forget about the phone call from one of his friends, in particular, who cried to me because he couldn't believe my dad was gone. I didn't even know who this man was. Reflecting back, I really wish I did.

Of course not everyone will be able to make it to the wedding, but we do know that we have their prayers on that day. Masses will be said...and petitions will be lifted up in different parts of the state, and in the country...even on a plane heading for New York. These people will be doing for us what they've been doing all along...praying us through the journey that God is taking us on.

It's different, I know, and everyone who gets married will hopefully be able to make their day special in their own way. The most important thing, though, is that the couple standing there committing themselves to each other understand what it is that they're doing. Because if you think about it, the details are for us. The vows are for each other. The "yes" is for God.

You're right, Gary. We can't be any more ready than this.

Can't wait. =)

A reason for everything

So many people don't understand why we are the way we are...but then so many more actually do.

He changed. I changed. However we changed just made us a good fit. It made sense to us to then make decisions that reflected who we were as a couple.

Especially about the wedding.

No reception. No time, no energy, and not a whole lot of money. Our resources didn't seem to be working for us...but we've been blessed in other ways.

Our focus then became the Mass and the preparation for the marriage.

Reading The Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples. Answering questions. Meeting with Tita Lira for four months. Praying. The day retreat at St. Linus. Opening up. Natural Family Planning. Being doubted by some, and encouraged by others. Fertility counseling...doctors appointments. More blood tests, more vitamins, more hope that maybe we can actually have a family. And definitely more trust in God.

Lots of conversations.

I met his family in San Francisco for the first time last month. They're a lot like mine. Saw where he lived and went to school, and I listened to the stories as we drove around the City. Finally his life was more real to me because I was there where it all happened.

Where - hundreds of miles away - God was molding him for me.

Just for me.

But then not really just for me.

Gary was sent into my life so he could help other people I knew. Finding Summer and Allan's engagement song...giving Esperanza a chance to talk to my mom and Fr. Kevin again...restoring the faith my girlfriends had in the opposite sex...proving that chivalry really was very much alive.

Very few people know how much this man has changed my perspective of the world.

Tito Tom was right when he said today that I disappeared. Maybe it seems that way to those who saw me often...who knew how available I made myself to be to them.

But little do they realize that in so many ways, I've come back.

The smile has returned, and so has the laughter. The willingness to love. The belief in goodness, most especially God's goodness.

So even if I'm not around as much, I'm still very much alive and praying for everyone like I've never prayed before.

...because that's all I can do.

When I can't walk, I get scared. And then I try to remember to offer it up for those who need the grace somehow. It's temporary. Each time it gets a little easier because I'm familiar with the symptoms and I know I'll be okay after a few days.

Then later on someday when it doesn't get better, I know that I will have people offering up their sufferings for me, too. I know that because some already do.

That is true generosity to me.

All we wanted was to keep life simple, and this is what has come of it.

So, no - maybe some will never see our reasons behind who we are and what we do. Maybe even we will never really see His reasons behind why He is directing us this way. But at least we will continue on together with peace in our hearts and in our relationship.

We're going to Engaged Enounter this weekend. Please pray that we'll be open to more of the lessons God has in store for us.

Riding on a cloud of prayers...that's how this is all working. It would not be possible without Him.

Praised be our God. Amen.

Things aren't always what they seem

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...

"God does not require great achievements but a heart that holds back nothing for self."
– St. Rose Philippine Duchesne

Loving the things of Heaven

...though it isn't my life's purpose to remove myself from the world when He calls me to stay active in it.

Four years ago I wanted to join the convent because I'd get to spend my entire day praying, dressed in a habit that would constantly remind me of who I belonged to, working actively for the Kingdom.

Would it have been easier?

I'll never know.

Living as a lay person does have its challenges. We're more prone to being attached to people and to things...to the experiences that we cherish and everything we get to do. But most people are called to remain in mainstream society, and those like us who choose to follow Christ - we're here to bring the grace found in churches, convents, and monasteries out into the world.

Praise God that I'm remembering this now.

As I was singing tonight, my heart was so at peace that I was ready to leave this life and be with God. But there's so much more to what I perceive as His plan.

Leilani just walked in my room to give me a hug good night.

We're all here for each other...for as long as He allows us to be...to show each other His love...to help each other grow in virtue...to inspire each other to be holy.

The minor irritations of daily life must not turn into catastrophic tragedies. It's not worth walking around angry or bitter or hurt. People will fail us. Things will go wrong. Life isn't fair.

But God is.

He loves us all the same...wanting us to wake up and realize what He put us here for.

I'm running away from the emptiness of my own sin into the Father's arms of mercy. I'm tired of being lukewarm. I'm tired of compromising my beliefs and His truth for the sake of political correctness. I want to serve with the passion of the Saints and live not just one, but ALL of the Beatitudes. I need to be broken down...humbled enough to know how great God really is.

My mom returned to me a vial of blessed oil.

Remember when we used to lay hands on each other and pray for healing of body and spirit? Remember when we would spend hours talking about the miracles God was working in our lives? About the conversions that were happening within and around us? Remember when we had such fervor to learn and to serve...to give and to receive the blessings He had waiting for us? Do you remember the nights in silent adoration...seeking His presence because we believed He was there waiting for us to come to Him?

I remember.

Some of the people I experienced all of this with are still here in my life to some extent. There are also friends who joined the journey a little later on and some more recently. A few I don't see or talk to anymore, but I think they remember, too.

I think we all remember, at least once in a while, that we were all made for Heaven.

A couple of years ago, this thought made me sad. It seemed like much of what we had together was lost because we weren't together anymore. Yet somehow I still have hope...not so much for a restoration of past relationships but a revival in our relationships with God. It will be different from what they once were, of course, since we're older now and have gone through a lot personally.

But He doesn't ever stop calling us back to Him.

My "yes" today is not the same "yes" it was when I was 21. As the years go by, it's more sacrificial as I come to understand more and more what my "yes" is going to cost me. It still, however, is worth the reward of love and mercy, joy and eternal life that Jesus holds out to me every day. It's a discovery that we all embark upon when we open our hearts and our minds up to the gifts and the grace that He offers us.

Things have changed, but I'm not as sad about them as I used to be.

Why?

Because there's always HOPE and there's always GOD.

Someday we'll get there...just not yet. We've still got a lot of work to do.

It's late and my nose itches

I don't go on AIM anymore so I don't have the sleep police telling me to sign off...hahaha...those were the days. But yes, I should really get my rest because my fatigue sets in when I'm sleep-deprived. Well, that would make sense, wouldn't it?

Actually, Gary is my sleep police now, but he can't do much when he's not living with me yet. I'm naturally a night owl. Work forces me to get up early and getting up early forces me to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. But during vacation, I'm usually up until 1:30 or something in the morning. And after taking a 2 1/2 hour nap because of an all-day migraine, I'm more awake than I need to be right now.

I could call him but he's an early bird so I would feel bad keeping him up. What are we going to do when we get married? He'll have to make me go to bed early. I really shouldn't be up this late. White cell count is low. Red cell count is low. Some other stuff is low...maybe that's why I'm so tired. But ANA came out negative again. Lupus is such a strange disease.

Great conversations with Lyn-Lyn and Mommy today. I was reminded of a lot about faith...about relationships...about priorities and the importance of prayer. I'm really glad Mommy came to Mass with me tonight. We were praying for the same people. And Fr. Ed gave a great homily - as he always does - about the Beatitudes. He said to go home and read Matthew 5:1-12 because God would point out which Beatitude He wants us to live out. I already knew. It's the same one He's asked me to live out for four years. Praise God that yesterday at the LifeTeen Mass He gave me the grace to recommit myself again.

The Beatitudes are the window to the heart of Christ, he said. Then I remembered - brave, loyal, and loving. His heart...I wanted His heart.

Funny how certain circumstances can make you wake up to the "sleepy areas" of your life...or even to give you some indication of being kind of on the right track or the wrong track. Saturday night...I was afraid that it would be my scene again, too. But I knew right away, just standing in line, that it wasn't. I went, however, with a purpose and it all turned out just like I thought it would. What I really, truly appreciated were the friends who came out for me. Almost all of them said, "I don't normally go out like this to places like this, but I'm doing this for you...anything for Marianne." I was so touched because they were doing for me what I was doing for him.

Uncoincedentally (since God's providence always seems to work things out according to what challenges we'll face), my homepage had been posting paragraphs from the Cathechism talking about scandal. We are responsible for the souls of other people. By no means should we lead them to sin, for those who are teachers of the Word are more accountable to God for their actions. I prayed that it wasn't what I was doing because this was the most compromising solution we could come up with. I didn't want to lead anyone astray, but at the same time, I needed the support...the familiar faces...to make it through the night. I was grateful for the post-party reflection and conversation with my brother and sister, knowing that our lifestyles are different from what they were almost ten years ago. It helped so much that my brother Albert stayed with me until the very end because for as long as I can remember, he's been my after-hours security blanket. And Leo - what a hard-core friend/brother you also are...going through all that just to be there with us. We made it out all right, with many a lesson learned and more insight than we expected to come out with.

For some reason, I needed to revisit the past briefly to understand how important it is for me to stay focused...on God, on Gary, on my family, and on the friends who help keep me faithful. So, yes, a lot of good came out of it all, I must say. To realize that I didn't want to lose what has taken me years to gain by the grace of God.

I do beg you, Holy Spirit, for the strength to persevere and keep swimming against the current. For as Fr. Ed carefully noted, when you follow the first seven Beatitudes, you have the reward of the eighth: "Blessed are you, when people insult you and persecute you and speak all kinds of evil against you because you are my followers. Be glad and joyful, for a great reward is kept for you in God. This is how this people persecuted the prophets who lived before you."

To smile through the pain. I beg for the grace. Every day of my life until I die, I want to be able to endure whatever comes. Amen.

"You are the light of the world. A city built on a mountain cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and covers it; instead it is put on a lampstand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way your light must shine before others, so that they may see the good you do and praise your Father in heaven." (Mt 5:14-16)

One More Month

Baccalaureate and Graduation are over...the year is finally finished...and life goes on for all of us. Sad but excited at the same time. I've loved my experience at Verb, as challenging as it was at times. It's the people, the work, the place, the community, and the life-giving spirituality of the Word made flesh...all of it has stretched my soul in a way that nothing in this world ever could. I have wanted it to work somehow where I could stay, and God is keeping a crack in the door open for me...at least to help out a little where I can.

When that school becomes a part of you, it's hard to let go.

I know eventually I'll have to, especially when I start having children of my own, but until the Freshman class becomes seniors I'll give what I can...just so they know that I haven't left them completely.

Most of what I feel, though, is relief that I can rest - kinda - this summer. Between moving out of the Student Life Center and creating my space in the 7th grade classroom at St. Jerome, I'll be spending the next few weeks slowly getting my belongings together at home and bringing it all over to Culver City. There is lots to do...but what I'm really looking forward to is the vacation with Gary...or rather the whole lifetime ahead of us.

I know it's been all that I've talked about / thought about / wrote about recently, but considering that in exactly one month I'll be promising myself to him for the rest of my life, this is a pretty big deal.

So maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase, as they call it. Or maybe we'll stay this way for a while. I just find it comforting that even big decisions or potential challenges that come up seem to work themselves out without much of a problem. It has to be the grace of God. When I find myself worried or stressed about something, it helps so much that we lift it up and surrender the situation to God and trust that He'll take care of it. It amazes me the most to look back and realize that many of the solutions have been Gary's ideas - or what he calls "inspirations" - that always seem to offer the simple solutions we'd been waiting on.

Some people just need a second chance to be everything that He made them to be. Put them in the perfect conditions to grow and they bear abundant fruit...much more than they ever thought they were capable of.

That's my fiance.

I'm going to miss calling him my fiance. Being engaged has been wonderful...but then of course, marriage is the real deal. The joy multiplies and so does the love. Just think - ten years from now...twenty years from now...and God willing, thirty years from now, we'll look at each other and say that we love each other more than we did on our wedding day.

That's why we need to keep working at this relationship, and why we're going to need His guidance along the way.

Praise God for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Perhaps I do not fully understand or appreciate all that it entails, but that's the beauty of discovering that with your spouse as the years go by. We're more ready now than we've ever been, thanks to the prayers and the counsel of others who have had the privilege of living out this very special vocation.

Here we go.............in His name. Amen, Lord, amen.

Wedding Bells

I'm really glad that we stuck to the plan.

When we got engaged in August of last year, I wasn't sure what would be ahead of us. But here we are, one month away from the big day and I'm so amazed at how God has guided every moment of it all.

People ask me all the time how the wedding plans are coming along. I don't have much of a reaction other than saying that not having to put a reception together really does take a load off your shoulders. We've been really flexible with everything in regards to the wedding day - not knowing where exactly the Mass would be (tent or church), not knowing if members of our wedding party would be able to make it because of expected babies (yay, more kiddos!) and having proxies jump in a few weeks before, not knowing how family members would react to our decision to break through the social norm of having a big party afterwards.

Taking a step back and seeing the big picture, it really does reflect who we are as a couple. Other people have their preferences and circumstances - which we're able to appreciate as well when we attend their weddings - but it's great to say that we were able to offer this day to God the way that He wants us to.

What I have really enjoyed is the preparation we've been taking for our marriage. Lots of great conversations about the important issues in the married life...challenges that we might face...blessings that await us...knowing that He will be there every step of the way to carry us through the rest of our lives together.

It is exciting, and it helps that so many people are praying for us. To ask for prayer doesn't mean that we're worried about our relationship. To ask for prayer means that we know how much we need God's grace to sustain and nurture this Sacrament. From what I've learned after reading books, talking to married couples, and working things out with Gary each day, I'm realizing more and more how humbling it is to unite yourself to another person. It's not about you anymore and the things that you want for yourself. It's about opening yourself up to a person that God has sent into your life to teach you how to love and sacrifice for.

I'm so thankful that He gave me another chance at giving my heart away again because it helped me remember how imperfect my own love is without His. This relationship has taught me what it means to seek His will in everything we do and every decision we make. It has blessed me with lessons I can pass on to my own children about the seriousness of marriage and the maturity required to even think about committing yourself to someone for the long term.

And being at Jacob's baptism yesterday, seeing Robby and Emeline offer their child to God and His church, made me realize that how we live our lives as single people...how we handle ourselves in our courtships...how we give to each other in marriage...it all affects how we raise our children and how our children will then go on to live out their vocations when they grow into adulthood.

At our meeting last Monday, Fr. Ed said that maybe we might just have a child that becomes a priest someday. That would be absolutely wonderful. But if we are blessed with children, I just pray that they will grow up to love God and trust Him...to want to live in His will and work for His kingdom whether it's in the single, married or religious life.

Only God knows what the future holds....

Flow

I should be taking a nap right now, but it's too hot in my room to sleep. So I'm taking up another form of rest for me.........writing.

I used to write a lot. Stories. Plays. Some poems. A lot of journal entries. Just spilling out my soul. I figured no one could really appreciate my writing except me, so I didn't bother sharing much of it with anyone. When I'd take a risk and offer my writing for others to read, sometimes it would be received well. Sometimes it wouldn't.

I think that's why I really like reading other people's writing, especially when it's writing by people I know...because I know how scary it can be to put your heart on paper and leave it open to criticism or praise...both of which can be difficult to receive.

Haven't been writing lately. I've been busy. Like I haven't been praying as much as I used to. But I've recently found that I don't even have to set aside hours at a time to talk with God. I can actually have brief conversations with him throughout my day...as if He was a friend walking with me at any given moment.

Really, that's what He is.

Maybe when I'm pressed for time, I can try to translate this kind of flexibility to my writing. My friend Cecille journals on anything she can find...scraps of paper, napkins, pieces of cloth...and sometimes they're not even expressed in words.

Could I be growing in a new direction?

It's a little strange that I'm not as sensitive to what others think of my writing anymore. Perhaps it's because I'm getting more and more comfortable with who I am. If they read it, they read it. If they learn something, great. If they don't, maybe the lesson was just for me. No big deal.

At the heart of it all, however, this is a huge part of who I am. When I don't write, I get overwhelmed...more easily stressed out...unable to express my thoughts verbally because I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen to what's going on in my head. So I just get all cluttered inside. Kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

I said earlier that maybe someday I could burn my journals. Where that came from, I couldn't even tell you. I could just be on this rampage of clearing out my life...but that would be erasing myself...or a very significant part of my journey completely.

Who would read them anyway?

I would.

I want to go back and revisit the days when I would contemplate my life's purpose...when I'd ask myself what in the world I was doing here...when I'd wonder if any sense could be made out of the emotional and spiritual experiences that I couldn't understand.

This blog here is even a remnant of the ashes. The sad thing is that it was easier to just click "Delete blog" than it was to go to the beach and start a bonfire. This site...it has been my attempt to come back. The others were filled with memories of so many people...gone.

Slowly but surely, I'm salvaging my past and hunting for the good that came out of the past four years.

Buried treasure, waiting for me to find.

In time...