Flow

I should be taking a nap right now, but it's too hot in my room to sleep. So I'm taking up another form of rest for me.........writing.

I used to write a lot. Stories. Plays. Some poems. A lot of journal entries. Just spilling out my soul. I figured no one could really appreciate my writing except me, so I didn't bother sharing much of it with anyone. When I'd take a risk and offer my writing for others to read, sometimes it would be received well. Sometimes it wouldn't.

I think that's why I really like reading other people's writing, especially when it's writing by people I know...because I know how scary it can be to put your heart on paper and leave it open to criticism or praise...both of which can be difficult to receive.

Haven't been writing lately. I've been busy. Like I haven't been praying as much as I used to. But I've recently found that I don't even have to set aside hours at a time to talk with God. I can actually have brief conversations with him throughout my day...as if He was a friend walking with me at any given moment.

Really, that's what He is.

Maybe when I'm pressed for time, I can try to translate this kind of flexibility to my writing. My friend Cecille journals on anything she can find...scraps of paper, napkins, pieces of cloth...and sometimes they're not even expressed in words.

Could I be growing in a new direction?

It's a little strange that I'm not as sensitive to what others think of my writing anymore. Perhaps it's because I'm getting more and more comfortable with who I am. If they read it, they read it. If they learn something, great. If they don't, maybe the lesson was just for me. No big deal.

At the heart of it all, however, this is a huge part of who I am. When I don't write, I get overwhelmed...more easily stressed out...unable to express my thoughts verbally because I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen to what's going on in my head. So I just get all cluttered inside. Kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

I said earlier that maybe someday I could burn my journals. Where that came from, I couldn't even tell you. I could just be on this rampage of clearing out my life...but that would be erasing myself...or a very significant part of my journey completely.

Who would read them anyway?

I would.

I want to go back and revisit the days when I would contemplate my life's purpose...when I'd ask myself what in the world I was doing here...when I'd wonder if any sense could be made out of the emotional and spiritual experiences that I couldn't understand.

This blog here is even a remnant of the ashes. The sad thing is that it was easier to just click "Delete blog" than it was to go to the beach and start a bonfire. This site...it has been my attempt to come back. The others were filled with memories of so many people...gone.

Slowly but surely, I'm salvaging my past and hunting for the good that came out of the past four years.

Buried treasure, waiting for me to find.

In time...