It's late and my nose itches

I don't go on AIM anymore so I don't have the sleep police telling me to sign off...hahaha...those were the days. But yes, I should really get my rest because my fatigue sets in when I'm sleep-deprived. Well, that would make sense, wouldn't it?

Actually, Gary is my sleep police now, but he can't do much when he's not living with me yet. I'm naturally a night owl. Work forces me to get up early and getting up early forces me to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. But during vacation, I'm usually up until 1:30 or something in the morning. And after taking a 2 1/2 hour nap because of an all-day migraine, I'm more awake than I need to be right now.

I could call him but he's an early bird so I would feel bad keeping him up. What are we going to do when we get married? He'll have to make me go to bed early. I really shouldn't be up this late. White cell count is low. Red cell count is low. Some other stuff is low...maybe that's why I'm so tired. But ANA came out negative again. Lupus is such a strange disease.

Great conversations with Lyn-Lyn and Mommy today. I was reminded of a lot about faith...about relationships...about priorities and the importance of prayer. I'm really glad Mommy came to Mass with me tonight. We were praying for the same people. And Fr. Ed gave a great homily - as he always does - about the Beatitudes. He said to go home and read Matthew 5:1-12 because God would point out which Beatitude He wants us to live out. I already knew. It's the same one He's asked me to live out for four years. Praise God that yesterday at the LifeTeen Mass He gave me the grace to recommit myself again.

The Beatitudes are the window to the heart of Christ, he said. Then I remembered - brave, loyal, and loving. His heart...I wanted His heart.

Funny how certain circumstances can make you wake up to the "sleepy areas" of your life...or even to give you some indication of being kind of on the right track or the wrong track. Saturday night...I was afraid that it would be my scene again, too. But I knew right away, just standing in line, that it wasn't. I went, however, with a purpose and it all turned out just like I thought it would. What I really, truly appreciated were the friends who came out for me. Almost all of them said, "I don't normally go out like this to places like this, but I'm doing this for you...anything for Marianne." I was so touched because they were doing for me what I was doing for him.

Uncoincedentally (since God's providence always seems to work things out according to what challenges we'll face), my homepage had been posting paragraphs from the Cathechism talking about scandal. We are responsible for the souls of other people. By no means should we lead them to sin, for those who are teachers of the Word are more accountable to God for their actions. I prayed that it wasn't what I was doing because this was the most compromising solution we could come up with. I didn't want to lead anyone astray, but at the same time, I needed the support...the familiar faces...to make it through the night. I was grateful for the post-party reflection and conversation with my brother and sister, knowing that our lifestyles are different from what they were almost ten years ago. It helped so much that my brother Albert stayed with me until the very end because for as long as I can remember, he's been my after-hours security blanket. And Leo - what a hard-core friend/brother you also are...going through all that just to be there with us. We made it out all right, with many a lesson learned and more insight than we expected to come out with.

For some reason, I needed to revisit the past briefly to understand how important it is for me to stay focused...on God, on Gary, on my family, and on the friends who help keep me faithful. So, yes, a lot of good came out of it all, I must say. To realize that I didn't want to lose what has taken me years to gain by the grace of God.

I do beg you, Holy Spirit, for the strength to persevere and keep swimming against the current. For as Fr. Ed carefully noted, when you follow the first seven Beatitudes, you have the reward of the eighth: "Blessed are you, when people insult you and persecute you and speak all kinds of evil against you because you are my followers. Be glad and joyful, for a great reward is kept for you in God. This is how this people persecuted the prophets who lived before you."

To smile through the pain. I beg for the grace. Every day of my life until I die, I want to be able to endure whatever comes. Amen.

"You are the light of the world. A city built on a mountain cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and covers it; instead it is put on a lampstand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way your light must shine before others, so that they may see the good you do and praise your Father in heaven." (Mt 5:14-16)