Not Far From the Kingdom

"Knowledge will make you strong as death. Love Jesus generously. Love Him trustfully, without looking back, and without fear. Give yourself fully to Jesus - He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your weakness. Believe in Him - trust in Him with blind and absolute confidence because He is Jesus. Believe that Jesus alone is life - and that sanctity is nothing but Jesus living intimately in you; then His hand will be free with you. Give yourself unswervingly, conforming yourself in all things to His holy will which is made known to you through your superior.

Love Jesus with a big heart. Serve Jesus with joy and gladness of spirit, casting aside and forgetting all that troubles and worries you. To be able to do all these, pray lovingly like children, with an earnest desire to love much and make loved the love that is not loved...

Am I convinced of Christ's love for me and mine for Him? This conviction is like a sunlight which makes the sap of life rise and the buds of sanctity bloom. This conviction is the rock on which sanctity is built. what must we do to get this conviction? We must know Jesus, love Jesus, serve Jesus. We know Him through prayers, meditations and spiritual duties. We love Him through holy Mass and the sacraments and through that intimate union of love.

What is our spiritual life? A love union with Jesus, in which the divine and the human give themselves completely to one another. All that Jesus asks of me is to give myself to Him in poverty and nothingness."

- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

Knowing but not knowing

"Faith is a knowing beyond knowing. We know that God is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, yet this knowledge is also not knowledge. We are so used to dominating what we know and of putting it to use that knowledge which is beyond us makes us uneasy. Faith knowledge is like perfume: we know that it is present but we cannot control this presence, we can only receive. If you turn to the Lord right now, you will know that He is present to you, yet you will not "know" it because He is beyond knowing. Take a moment and gaze on His face. As you let Him purify you, you will see the glory of God shining there."
- from The Paschal Way of the Light meditation

We're not supposed to understand everything nor can we plan each detail of our lives. God has His own territory, and while He makes His graces available to us, there are some things we simply have to leave in His hands. It's hard giving up control but ironically it makes life so much easier. We don't know what's going to happen in the future or whether our tomorrows go according to what we desire for ourselves. We can, however, find comfort in knowing that "all things work for the good of those who love Him."

It is not is God's business to make us suffer, though He allows difficulties in order to bring about some greater good. He does not plan for bad things to happen to us...it is often a result of bad choices on our part or the actions of others...the tendency towards sin that makes our lives miserable. Our God is a God of joy and peace. He is a God of love. He wants to see us smile through both the sunshine and the rain. When we seek to understand everything, we often subconciously cannot accept that we are limited...that we are not God. Many times we just have to accept. Take and receive with the simple heart of a child trusting in the Father's goodness.

Dearest Mama Mary, St. Joseph, and St. Therese whose intercession we ask for every night, please pray that we will always live in the spirit of humility, knowing that it is only in God that every piece of ourselves, of our experiences, have meaning. You had modeled for us complete surrender to the will of God without trying to figure it all out because you knew His plan was beyond anything you could ever imagine for yourselves. Even in your darkest hours, you were still guided by His light...holding on to the hope of His promises. May we remember that He is always here with us...that it is He who works for our good...and that it is up to us to just cooperate with His Spirit, trust in His time, and move in His love.

Merciful Jesus, I trust in You.
Merciful Jesus, I trust in You.
Merciful Jesus, I trust in You.

AMDG + JMJ

"In showing us such kindness in Christ Jesus, God willed to reveal and unfold in the coming ages the extraordinary riches of His grace. By the grace of God you have been saved through faith. This has not come from you; it is God's gift. This was not the result of your works, so you are not to feel proud. What we are is God's work. He has created us in Christ Jesus for the good works He has prepared that we should devote ourselves to them." (Eph. 2:7-10)

The Passion Examen

Renewing my sorrow for past sins...



The Agony - I was asleep. He wanted me to keep watch with Him but I couldn't do it because I didn't realize how much He needed me. It was more important that I took care of my own needs rather than attend to the simple request of my God to pray. When I finally woke up, I saw how much He labored for me...how much anguish He endured because He was going to die just to save me.

Denial - Only concerned with myself, I remembered when I was afraid of what people would think of me...when it was easier to just deny my faith to fit in or to keep from "rocking the boat". Then He looked at me - and I looked at Him - and I knew how unworthy I was to even be in His presence and that of His Mother. But still...they still continued to suffer for me.



The Choice - Jesus or Barabbas? I say I would have shouted for Jesus if I was there in the crowd, but how many times have I rejected the goodness and purity of God for the filth of the world? Contaminated...too blind to see where true Life came from. Why? Because I was threatened by the changes I would have to make in my life if I followed Him. I couldn't do it...



Saving Grace - She called out to me...Magdalena...who reminded me of mercy and conversion...the hand of Christ reaching down to me, fallen and condemned...telling me to go and sin no more. I had never known a love like His before so I sought Him with all my heart because I knew it couldn't be found apart from Him.



The Plea - I heard her voice...Mama...telling me to remind the world of her Son's love so that His death would not be in vain. Her eyes begged me to stay close to Jesus and to remember that I belonged to Him, not to Satan...that I was created for Heaven, not for Hell. She still feels pain...her Immaculate Heart still pierced because we sin...because I do not love as I should.

And so I left with a new resolve to admit my lack of humility...

"Everything gradually has to be taken away from us some day so that we can only cling to God."
- Slawomir Biela, God Alone Suffices

Cutie pie

Ninang Em: Leilani, why are you so cute?
Leilani: 'Cause I'm a kid!

I love my niece.

Best things about her:

• sense of humor
• generosity
• faith
• affection
• all around cuteness

Favorite memories:

• watching Stations of the Cross at Mission San Luis Rey on Good Friday 2003
• going to meet Mother Angelica in 2003 (Feast of Corpus Christi)
• swimming at Sunset Beach in North Shore, Oahu
• sharing our love for the violin guy at Downtown Disney after eating pretzels and ice cream
• all the hugs and kisses before I leave for work

Unforgettable lines:

• "Tita B.anne, why does your car have ears?" (in reference to the sideview mirrors)
• "I can carry a little cross..."
• "I'm kissing Jesus' owies."
• (picking up her play phone) "I'm gonna call Lolo in Heaven."
• (showing me a picture of a little hand with red speckles and a hole in the middle) "Look, Tita B.anne, I drew this myself. It's Jesus' hand. I cut it myself, too. Here, you can have it."

What we love doing together:

• going to Mass at SPC
• playing at the beach
• watching Finding Nemo ("just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...")
• getting boba
• listening to my Jesus story CD on our drives to church

Thank you, Lord, for giving me such a great sidekick. She's the best. =)

Father, forgive them...and me

"I forgive you for doubting me. I forgive you for wishing the worst upon me. I forgive cause a man is not a man until he takes on God-like ways. I forgive but I will not forget." -50 Cent

There is no other way than the path to the Cross. I suppose you can try and run away from it, but it would lead you absolutely nowhere. I would rather climb the road to Calvary than to wander aimlessly for all eternity. Left with nowhere to go...I would define that as hell. Having no destination...no purpose...no home...no nothing.

Pick up your cross and follow Me.

Okay. I don't look for suffering but I accept what You have given me.

To be like Christ means to look up at that hill, not with fear, but with a resilience to be crucified upon it because we know that a greater good will come to us in the end. We don't seek the experience of the Cross but the sanctification that results from it.

When Jesus appeared to His disciples in His glorified body, He bore the wounds that would identify Him as the Crucified Christ.

This is who I am.

I, too, bear the marks, not on my body, but in my heart. Why? Because I also need to be reminded that it was these wounds that brought me closer to Him. Only then can I be grateful. Only then can I truly know who I really am.

I can't forget because to forget would mean to deny part of my life, a part of my own existence.

But I can forgive.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

You forgive me all the time, so who am I to withhold mercy from those who have hurt me?

If we see each other through Your eyes, how beautiful our relationships would be.

"A real love for others will chase those worries away. The thought of being punished is what makes us afraid. It shows that we have not really learned to love." (1 John 4:18)

What is love?

...and my heart says...

Sometimes you just have to be willing to take risks.

This new chapter of my story has been amazing. I'm happy right now and things are going really well. Nothing less than great so far.

There are days when I'm not as confident, but he makes up for it...times 10...so even when I'm scared, somehow deep down I'm still okay...somehow the smile would still manage to come out.

How is it that this is all happening to me? I don't know, but I'm just glad that it is. I'm glad that he's here...that God decided to wake me up and help me see the beautiful gift that had been in front of me all this time.

Dear St. Joseph, thank you for your prayers. My mom and Fr. Larry knew exactly who to direct me to when they told me to pray to you...and he's everything I've ever needed.

"And this is my prayer, that your love may overflow more and more with knowledge and full insight to help you determine what is best, so that in the day of Christ you may be pure and blameless." (Phil 1:9-10)

In the palm of His hand

"There is a given time for everything and a time for every happening under heaven. He made everything fitting in its time, but He also set eternity in their hearts, although man is not able to embrace the work of God from beginning to end." (Eccl. 3:1, 11)

Always what I need

THE GRACE OF THE RAISING OF LAZARUS

"It is not really a question of trust in God at all, for we want very much to trust in Him; it is really a question of our ultimate belief in His existence and His providence, and it demands the purest act of faith.

For my part, I was brought to make this perfect act of faith, this act of complete self-abandonment to His will, of total trust in His love and concern for me and His desire to sustain and protect me, by the experience of a complete despair of my own powers and abilities that had preceded it. I knew I could no longer trust myself, and it seemed only sensible then to trust totally in God. It was the grace God had been offering me all my life, but which I never really had the courage to accept in full. I had talked of finding and doing His will, but never in the sense of totally giving up my own will. I had talked of trusting Him, indeed I truly had trusted Him, but never in the sense of abandoning all other sources of support and relying on his grace alone. I could never find it in me before, to give up self completely. There were always boundaries beyond which I would not go, little hedges marking out what I knew in the depths of my being was a point of no return. God in His providence had been constant in His grace, always providing opportunities for this act of perfect faith and trust in Him, always urging me to let go of the reins and trust in Him alone. I had trusted Him, I had cooperated with His grace - but only up to a point. Only when I had reached a point of total bankruptcy of my own powers had I at last surrendered.

That moment, that experience, completely changed me. I can say it now in all sincerity, without false modesty, without a sense of either exaggeration or of embarrassment. I have to call it a conversion experience; it was at once a death and a resurrection."

- Fr. Walter J. Ciszek, S.J.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I read this passage tonight, every word cried out of my own heart the truth it had lived. I prayed tonight for the grace to die to myself so that I might sacrifice more than I have been...to make the leap of faith...to acknowledge my spiritual bankruptcy. I had lost faith in my own faith because circumstances have brought me to a place where I reached inside myself and found nothing. What could I trust in now, Lord? I asked. All I had left was Him.

Total abandonment to Divine Providence.

The emptiness that I feel is different from what I experienced years ago when I was searching for You. It does not carry the same aching pain. It's more of a thirst, if anything. I don't feel You as close as I did before, but I know You're there.

The desert...where it's just You and me.

I need to be here because this is where I am the most useful to those who You have given me to love. They need me to stay faithful, even if I don't receive the generous consolations You gave to me in the past.

Em asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell her because I didn't know. Now I do, at least a little more than I knew before. It's all necessary for me to see. Little by little You show me, and it is me. It's my brokenness that causes me to fear.

So Jesus, I'll trade my heart for Yours. Some time ago, I loved as You did, if only for a while...and then I got scared because I thought it hurt too much. Lo and behold, I discovered that it hurts more to try to love out of my power because I have none of my own.

Please, Lord, help me again. I really need to stick with it this time.

"Then you shall know that I am the Lord." (Is 49:23)

For you

"May He strengthen in you the inner self through His Spirit, according to the riches of His glory;
may Christ dwell in your hearts through faith;
may you be rooted and founded in love.

All of this so that you may understand with all the holy ones the width, the length, the height and the depth - in a word, that you may know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled and reach the fullness of God.

Glory to God who shows His power in us and can do much more than we could ask or imagine; glory to Him in the Church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever. Amen." (Eph. 3:16-21)

Words of wisdom

Love makes things easy. Patience makes everything possible.

The past is the past and you've got to grow up and move on.

It's no use making things more difficult than they have to be.

Ask God for help because you can't do anything by yourself.

Q: What does it mean to love another person?
A: Desiring more than anything that they get to Heaven

That's why You gave me the mother I have and had me come to SPC to meet Danny. Our elders have so much to teach us and remind us of when we forget what we've learned.

The messages were so simple, but it's exactly what I needed to hear.

Thank you...

AMDG + JMJ

This is My Prayer

by Erin O'Donnell

May the sun wake you everyday
With sacred words and time to pray
And listen to your life

Embrace each season as it comes
Always remember where you come from
Giving thanks to God

May you learn to just let go
And leave it in His hands
Find some peace down every road

I, know, I know, I know
That you wonder what your tomorrows hold
But I know, I know, I know
God will never leave you alone
He'll be there
This is my prayer

That you find friends that you can trust
Don't be afraid to fall in love
'Cause love is the one thing

That's sure as the stars are gonna shine
Don't ever leave your dreams behind
Stand up for what you believe

Take the time to see that good
It's everywhere
Find your passion, live in truth

As I breathe the air
I send this prayer
To God above
That you know that you are loved

A reason for everything

All things work for the good of those who love Him.

I love Him...and I fail Him...but He still loves me back no matter what I put Him through...so I keep loving Him no matter what He allows to me.

At this point there's one other soul out there whose presence in my life makes it all come together somehow.

All of that leading up to all of this. I can only be grateful. I don't understand it but I can only accept it. My past, my present, my future...with God...with everyone who has ever walked into my life...with those who are here now...with the ones who are yet to cross my path.

Just gotta keep on going. Giving up is not an option. It never has been. Please, God, that it never will be.

It hurts...

...to know that I've caused so much pain. It is so hard to forgive yourself, but I guess it has to be done.

I'm so sorry.

I never meant to hurt anyone, but I have. So many people over the course of my lifetime...people who didn't deserve it at all. For some time, I was their cross.

The past few days have been really difficult.

God is showing me exactly what I asked Him to show me. He's taking me through a part of my purgatory. I need to know what effect my actions have had, and it's taken me so long to see it. Some of it came this past weekend as I was reflecting back on the past few years, and then the rest eventually followed.

If I could erase it all, I would...but it's not that easy.

So how do I move on from here? I don't know. I think that's what makes it so hard. Maybe someone out there can help me. Prayers would be great...

Trust in His mercy.

That's all I have. Perhaps that's enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I picked up the Magnificat for the first time in a long time and found this meditation for March 1st:

FORGIVENESS
At the heart of community, as we learn to care for our brothers and sisters, there is forgiveness. Reconciliation is at the heart of community. To grow in love means that we become men and women of forgiveness, of reconciliation. The heart of the message of Christ, its fundamental newness, is the promise of an inner strength which comes with the gift of the Spirit, the Holy Spirit, the third person of the family of God living inside of us, so that we can forgive and be forgiven. When I say that forgiveness is at the heart of community, I do not mean we have to learn to simply say, "You're a nuisance but I forgive you." It means discovering that I too am in part the cause of your being a nuisance, because I have dominated you, hurt you, brought fear up in you, or because I haven't listened to you, or was not open to you. Forgiveness is not just saying, "I forgive you because you slammed the door." It's also: "I'm working on changing myself, because I have hurt you." We're all wounded people, and so consciously or unconsciously we can and do hurt each other. At the heart of a caring community is forgiveness, one to another. This is a principle of growth. We are forgiving each other because we yearn to grow and to become like Jesus.
~ Jean Vanier