It hurts...

...to know that I've caused so much pain. It is so hard to forgive yourself, but I guess it has to be done.

I'm so sorry.

I never meant to hurt anyone, but I have. So many people over the course of my lifetime...people who didn't deserve it at all. For some time, I was their cross.

The past few days have been really difficult.

God is showing me exactly what I asked Him to show me. He's taking me through a part of my purgatory. I need to know what effect my actions have had, and it's taken me so long to see it. Some of it came this past weekend as I was reflecting back on the past few years, and then the rest eventually followed.

If I could erase it all, I would...but it's not that easy.

So how do I move on from here? I don't know. I think that's what makes it so hard. Maybe someone out there can help me. Prayers would be great...

Trust in His mercy.

That's all I have. Perhaps that's enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I picked up the Magnificat for the first time in a long time and found this meditation for March 1st:

FORGIVENESS
At the heart of community, as we learn to care for our brothers and sisters, there is forgiveness. Reconciliation is at the heart of community. To grow in love means that we become men and women of forgiveness, of reconciliation. The heart of the message of Christ, its fundamental newness, is the promise of an inner strength which comes with the gift of the Spirit, the Holy Spirit, the third person of the family of God living inside of us, so that we can forgive and be forgiven. When I say that forgiveness is at the heart of community, I do not mean we have to learn to simply say, "You're a nuisance but I forgive you." It means discovering that I too am in part the cause of your being a nuisance, because I have dominated you, hurt you, brought fear up in you, or because I haven't listened to you, or was not open to you. Forgiveness is not just saying, "I forgive you because you slammed the door." It's also: "I'm working on changing myself, because I have hurt you." We're all wounded people, and so consciously or unconsciously we can and do hurt each other. At the heart of a caring community is forgiveness, one to another. This is a principle of growth. We are forgiving each other because we yearn to grow and to become like Jesus.
~ Jean Vanier