Blogging

I'm taking a technology class for Summer Session 1 at LMU, and it's interesting to reflect on this new digital culture that has developed out of such widespread use of technology. Cell phones, iPods, webcams, laptops, video games...the generation growing up in this day and age only knows what it is to live completely immersed in all of these things.

Take this blog, for instance. Anyone can read what I'm writing. Why do I choose to write it here and not in a paper journal? I have one, and sometimes I crack it open to jot down thoughts I don't need the whole world looking at. But there are times when I just want to BLOG. I want to sit down in front of my computer and type.

I think I blog because deep down I still want to be a writer, and blogging is a way to publish my thoughts while taking the risk that what I write will be judged, criticized, appreciated, or even shared. Of course, I don't get a whole lot of feedback outside of the occasional comment from my relatives and friends, but there is some satisfaction in this form of expression and seeing what I have written be "put out there".

It also doesn't take up any space. I have a box of notebooks in my closet - a collection of journals that span the course of maybe 5-6 years of my life. On this blog, I have a list of archived entries that I can browse through just by clicking a button. To add to that, I can add pictures! It's so nice to be able to look back at what I'd written months and years before, recalling good times and tough times, but constantly seeing the hand of God working in all of those instances.

What's interesting is that my blogging experience over the past five years has given me the skills to create a classroom blog that has contributed greatly to how I teach and make resources available to my students. I'm sure there's so much more I can do with it, but after just a year of using it, I'm amazed at the impact it has had in communication between me and my students. I can post Powerpoints and YouTube videos for them...the tagboard is available for them to ask me questions...website links are provided to support the content areas that I teach.

Here's the link so you can see what I'm talking about: http://www.sjs7thgrade.blogspot.com/

When we (the junior high teachers) first set up our blogs last fall, we found all these widgets for games to add to our blogs. I wanted to put Puzzle Bobble on mine because I LOVE that game, but I took it off...not because I thought it would distract the kids but because I was addicted to it!

Alas, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, and I'm excited to see what other modes of technology I can integrate into the curriculum. There's so much out there - it's overwhelming - but at least I'm learning.

Give us this day our daily bread

Ever since I became a teacher, I have found myself praying this prayer in a totally different way than I had known before. Eight hours a day (actually 11, when you account for prep and grading) for five days a week with 100+ students over 6 subjects can definitely take a lot out of you. But when I just let God pick up where my energy leaves off, it's a much better day.

Some highlights of the week so far:

• Upon asking donations to Catholic Relief Services for the victims in China and Myanmar, two of my 6th graders decided to set up their own lemonade stand on Sunday in the blazing heat. They raised $25 and were quite proud of themselves!
• When asking for an example of an exorcism miracle today, one of my 7th grade boys brought up the Gospel from Monday's Mass. The some of the kids even remembered more of the details from the reading than I did. Sometimes I'm not sure if they're paying attention, but they actually are!
  
• A few of the 6th graders let me know that they wished they had someone to talk to about things that are going on at home and at school, just to get advice or have someone simply listen to them. I offered an open ear because I knew how badly I needed the same guidance they were asking for...

One soul at a time

A field of daffodils...
A shore of starfish...
A garden of souls...

...stories that teach us how important it is to make a difference one person at at time.

I'm not the best teacher in the world and my classroom is definitely not perfect, but we learn together - my students and I - about the lessons life has to offer. My fellow teachers know this is true every day. Something happens that we can't necessarily see...a molding and forming of heart and conscience...a deepening of faith and an understanding of relationship...opening eyes to new ways of seeing the world in its desperate brokenness...becoming more human in the feelings we let ourselves feel and the thoughts we are brave enough to express. I, along with them, change.

My daughter will someday sit before me and read about the richness of human history, learn about the mysteries of God, inquire about the intricacies of science...and eventually she, too, will enter a classroom and continue to grow in knowledge as she discerns what direction to take in life. How I pray that she will not be afraid to use her gifts...that she will always be encouraged to go where God leads her...that I as her mother will trust the Lord enough to let her stretch her wings and fly someday.

Much is stirring in my mind, dear Jesus. Please help me sort through what I cannot grasp...
conversion...examination...preparation...evaluation...memorization...contemplation... What I do not understand is already understood. What I cannot foresee is already in the works. You have my deepest desires cradled in Your hands, O Lord. And yet, I must gaze intently on the reflection of my own soul...why do I suffer so?

Because I...am afraid.

Caught in a whirlwind of "what-ifs" that threaten to rob me of my peace...and I run to You for shelter, my God of refuge and strength...as no one can know what I am truly experiencing, I should not fear judgment...since You alone know my heart.

Whoever thought that Ebenezer Scrooge could be an instrument of grace?

Past..present...future.

I am a collection of memories...an evolution of events...a consequence of disappointments...but still so much more than just a casualty.

Mother Angelica went through it, too.

Thank you for the pieces, Lord. I'm trying my best to pay attention and I hear You. I hear what You are trying to say. And my baby...little Gary...he speaks to me, too.

"Don't give up, Mommy. Don't give up."

I see his picture on our altar...our first child...and I remember. Everything has a purpose. While we may not see it right away, God allows each given moment - bitter or sweet - to grant us a great blessing.

Thanks be to God.

p.s. I'm taking two subtests of the CSET tomorrow. Believe it or not, reviewing for this test has made me extremely excited to teach this stuff someday. Please pray that I pass!

p.p.s. And I decided to extend my credential program. Why? I got sick last week and missed three days of work. It wasn't realistic for me to cram all that work into a month and a half, on top of May Crowning, Graduation, and closing up the school year. That means I'll be at St. Jerome for another year. God's will be done...

p.p.p.s. (I know, this should just be another entry) I read this today in Raymond Arroyo's bio of Mother Angelica: "These are the kinds of things, honey, that prove God's providence. We never know where the next penny's coming from. That's what I'm trying to get through people's heads: This is an act of God."

A for Effort

"God doesn't expect us to be perfect...He just wants us to try our best."

I think I expect a lot out of myself. I suppose that's a good thing, in the sense that it contributes to a good work ethic...but sometimes I'm not realistic. Trying to do too much with limited resources (i.e., time and energy) leads to burnout (and in my case, a lupus episode).

My friends tell me that I need to let things go every once in a while...like not work so hard. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying to learn. If certain things don't get done right away, it's not a big deal. So instead of fretting about how I need to do less, I'm just making an effort to give more time to who is most important.

When I opened the front door yesterday, Meleana was going nuts...like a puppy wagging her tail because she was so happy to see me. Gary said she was laying on his chest just relaxing, and as soon as she heard me unlocking the door, she started jumping up and down. I LOOOOOVE my little kiddo. =)

She gives me slobbery kisses on the cheek, all on her own. So it's not a major milestone as noted by the nations' pediatricians, but it's groundbreaking in my book!

Done with making plans

I thought I learned my lesson years ago, but it's so easy to fall back into the old habit of trying to map out my life.

Just can't do it. The more I plan, the less control I have. But who ever said I have control in the first place?

Helllloooooo!!! Right, God, I remember now. You're the one who holds the world in Your hands. All time belongs to You, not to me. You know the future, so why am I trying to figure it out for myself?

They say, "When you want to make God laugh, start making plans."

I think God is past the point of laughter. He's shaking His head, waiting for me to get with His program.

Nothing about my life was on the To-Do list that was set up according to my own timeline. The marriage, the husband, the baby, the job, the move to LA, the Master's degree...if you told me five years ago today - May 9, 2003 - that any of this was going to happen, I would have thought you were absolutely CRAZY.

2003...wow, how things have changed...back then I was at a different place with different worries and concerns...wondering what God was going to do with me and how He was going to fix all the broken pieces of my life.

HE HAD A PLAN. He always has. Still the same God...nothing about Him has changed...and five years from now, I will look back at today and say, "Thank you, Lord. You pulled through for me once again!"

Now I'm laughing. =) What the heck am I worried about? I don't know. After thinking about it, everything is fine. Everything is perfectly fine.

Be at Peace

Prayer of St. Francis de Sales

Be at peace
Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life;
rather look to them with full hope as they arise.
God, whose very own you are,
will deliver you from out of them.
He has kept you hitherto,
and He will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will bury you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same everlasting Father who cares for you today
will take care of you then and everyday.
He will either shield you from suffering,
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

- Courtesy of Courtney, 8th grade

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One of my kids reminded me that when I don't know what to do, I must pray. Of course I knew that, but I wasn't fully surrendering it all to the hands of God like I should have been.

Then Saturday happened.

I wasn't sure what the Holy Spirit would do. I did know that He would pull through for me and give me the right words, as He always had done. I didn't plan on sharing my story, but Dominic told me to so I did.

After the talk, I met four people. One amazing woman who also had lupus and was going through chemotherapy. Another woman who said thank you with the deepest sense of gratitude I had ever encountered. And the most beautiful couple who had just lost their own child in miscarriage.

Tito Tom wonders why God still calls him to put these seminars together. On Saturday, I just happened to meet his answers.

I realized that if you are going to believe in God, then you have to trust Him with your whole being. This means knowing that He's there ALWAYS taking care of all your needs. It means seeing life with the eyes of faith and recognizing people as great blessings, even if they feel like crosses.

So maybe there is a price when it comes to saying "Yes" to God, but the miracles you get to witness and the joy that fills your heart when you experience His power and love are definitely worth the sacrifices.

Praise God also for my family...for my super-duper wonderful husband and my super-duper happy baby girl...for the people who help me grow in virtue...for my mom and my brother and my sisters and their husbands...for my niece and nephews...and for the Kings whose home provides enough smiles and laughter to make up for some pretty rough days.

God really is good all the time.