No idea

Butterball is snoring...how cute.

DECEMBER 23RD - the big day. Come to think of it, we have a lot of those days...days that played an especially important role in our coming together...days that, had they never happened, would remain devoid of the memories we shared with each other.

Last year, he made it my day. He didn't have to go to the trouble to put it all together. We were just friends and I was planning on keeping it that way. But my ways are not God's ways and God had a different agenda that Gary somehow got clued in to.

I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I had a catch-up dinner with Leo a few days before, telling him that this guy Gary was taking me to see Les Mis. Leo wouldn't leave me alone about it, at least for that night. He made me promise him that I'd call to tell him how it went. I rolled my eyes and said we were just hanging out. "He so likes you...hello, I wouldn't take just anyone to see Les Mis!" Those were his exact words. Yes, that's why Leo was always excited to watch this relationship progress...why? Because he was right.

And the rest is history.

Over the past week or two, I've been struggling with a lot of things. Something very unexpected came up that made me question the last three years of my life and some of the decisions I've made because of the path that was set for me. It honestly had an almost Twighlight Zone-ish tone for me because I started having vivid flashbacks that brought the past back into the present.

God had hit reverse playback and made me watch everything backwards, bringing me back to the sword in my heart and the 5-day Rivendell experience that led me into discernment then the disheartening lupus diagnosis the following February. For brief moments, I felt the joy and the heartbreak...the anguish and disappointment along with the hope that I would grow because of it all. I remember wishing - er, praying - that I could erase it all and start over as if none of it ever happened.

In some strange way, there may be a possibility that God might be granting my request.

But I have to wait.

I have to wait for His will to unfold...a very mysterious outcome resulting from a desperate cry made on the other side of the world in many a Polish cathedral.

I'll never forget the journey, but its effects...perhaps gone...at least the broken pieces, swept up and made whole again. How often have I spoken of the need for healing...I just wanted to meet the "someday" when I would be okay...when my smile would return...when my faith would break through once again.

Thoughts and emotions have been whirling around inside of me...slowly coming back to the desire for holiness for the sake of those around me who need a light to follow. Almost felt like I was going crazy, so I sought refuge as I did years ago. I'm returning to Rivendell.

I need to pray. I need to remember. Maybe I do need to feel it all again, for so much is attached to that place. I have brought those I loved most to visit with me, and they too have their memories of brown habits and the serenity of Carmel.

This time, I will not go telling Jesus of my own will. I will listen to what He has in store for me.

But before I go, I will spend this day - our day - with the man I have grown to love, who has been sent into my life as an answer to prayers offered up by those who loved me most...the one who will help me carry my cross and share the blessing that it truly is, whether it be one of illness or one of uncompromising faith.

My vision...it is still foggy but the rays of light are beginning to shine through. In time, in HIS time.

Jesus, I trust in You.

+AMDG+

For a moment

Life just happens as it's supposed to. Sometimes you make good choices, sometimes you don't. People come and go, and you come and go in and out of people's lives. You win some, you lose some...but at least you learn something.

I think the objective is to get to the point where you're grateful for it all...for what you had, what you have now, and what you will have in the future. There's no one else in this world who has the opportunity to live the life that you do.

Even if your life doesn't seem all that great, you still have more blessings than many others out there. Just walk down Skid Row...even for just a couple of blocks...and you'll see what I mean.

That's what I did yesterday...and it really hit home.

You can't save everyone, but for a moment you can be the sunshine in their day. I watched Mark Anthony, Hernan, David, and Eloy subject themselves to having wet sponges thrown at their faces just so the little ones could have a good time...Anthony carrying a tiny two-year-old up to the basket so he could make a slam dunk at the hoops booth...Joshua walking kids around on ponies around Gladys Park...the crew going out into the streets to give the homeless some water and clothing.

Like John said, that was a reality check for us. I was so proud of the 25 guys who worked hard to bring a little Verb sunshine to the Christmas Festival down there on E. 6th St. in Downtown. Little do they know how much they help me face the world with courage. They help me open my heart up to those who I would never ordinarily talk to. They challenge me and make me laugh, and they go out of their way to take care of me, too.

I call them my kids...but they're Yours first, Father God. Thank you for sending them into my life to teach me what faith, hope and love really is.

"Spiritual constipation"

...as the term has been coined by a friend of mine who will admit to the world that he is weird...yet by this very term which I once laughed at has described exactly when I am feeling right at this very moment.

I started to write a really long random blog that was making absolutely no sense, and I deleted it after I came to the conclusion that it read like God needed to shoot some Imodium in my system because it splattered all over the place.

Inappropriate visual graphic, I know. I'm sorry...

But you know what? It just hit me that I'm not ever going to be a cookie-cutter saint. I'm here struggling along with everyone else, making mistakes...learning from them...getting down on myself because my life isn't easy but realizing that life isn't easy for anyone.

People who look like they have it all together just know how to hide their insecurities really well.

Raising my hand...yes, that was me...until a few years ago.

A detailed run-through of my recent past isn't necessary for you to understand that I now know I'm not who people thought I was or wanted me to be. I've had my own share of hurts, but I will tell you that I've also been a cause of pain...a contributor to frustration and misunderstanding...someone who was blind to the fact that my actions unintentionally damaged the trust, hope, and faith that others had in me, in themselves, and in God.

With this awareness, I've learned that you can look at the world in one of two extremes:
1) holding unrealistic expectations - being constantly disappointed that people are not reaching the standards you set for them...unforgiving of their faults because they should know better...never appreciating the journey that they need to take in order to learn the lessons God has in store for them
2) making "we're only human" excuses for everything we do - without any accountability to help the other strive for heaven...forgetting that this is not our home...living for this life alone and not once stopping to reflect on the guidance God offers us through Scripture and through the good and holy people who have overcome their own temptations and continue to fight the good fight.

I guess the important thing here is that I'm learning. I don't have a profound commentary on the points listed above, but I'm beginning to understand that there needs to be a certain degree of balance in the Christian life. Jesus did mention the long and narrow road, but He never mentioned anything about a tightrope. Yet, it's true...we must recognize how important this balance is...finding the midpoint between the two extremes that is compassion, patience, acceptance, and love.

Let's stop here for the night. I don't think I have anything else to say. There is still much, but I have to wait on God for the words...so we'll see. I'm getting a little delirious being up at this hour...

+AMDG+

Back home

Great KAIROS VI retreat...some challenges, but as Gary says, without struggle, there is no progress. I would have never seen the strength rise up out of my guys if they were not tested. I would have never known how awesome my team if we never stared discouragement in the face.

Johnny Simmons is my hero.

I thank you, Lord, for this experience. The same but different than last year. Thank you for James, Johnny, Darren, and Marius...for Fr. Kevin, Fr. Jim, Cristina, Maggie, Frank and Dwayne. They pulled through when I needed them to, and I can look back knowing that it was all worth it.

I'll never know how much it really made a difference in the lives of the guys who went. I'll never see the hidden blessings that you gave us during those three days. But I can say that I am so grateful for the grace you gave us to get through it.

I work in a community that people are afraid to even drive by. I serve a student population that society stereotypes as lazy, unsuccessful, and maybe even dangerous. But when I walk on the campus of Verbum Dei High School, I see hope...perseverance...determination...and love. There are those few who will take a little bit longer than others to get it, but as I was told, you just can't give up because most everyone there really do work for good...good in each other...good in the world...good in themselves.

It felt like I was gone forever.

When I got back, everything was the same. But something inside of me changed.

KAIROS - God's time. He has his way of slowing things down so that we can really soak in what He wants to teach us. And we definitely learned a lot more than we expected to.

That's just the way life goes.

Praising God always...

Mean people

...are just not nice.

It's easier to talk behind the back, I know. But, man, the drama.

Like I was telling my friend tonight, I just keep praying and pushing through. What else is there to do?

If anyone is reading this and trying to figure out what I'm talking about, it isn't regarding any one particular situation. This actually pertains to life in general.

I listen. That's all I really do. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I feel sad. Other times I don't really have a reaction. That's when I realize that I can only offer my presence.

Lots of wasted energy going around. That's how I see it. I waste energy, too.

So instead of reacting negatively or continuing to complain about a somebody or a something, I try to remember to give it to Jesus and leave it with Him...not thinking about it a whole lot from that point on because the world is still turning while life is just passing me by.

My heart hurts. Literally.

When things happen that you really have no control over and people do things that you really can't change, it's useless to make it your own problem. That's where stress comes from...the kind of stress that takes its toll on your body, your mind and your spirit.

He said...she said...they said...I think...we should...maybe come back to what's really important.

Whenever we forget what matters most in life, it's so easy to get caught up. It's easy to criticize. It's easy to fight. It's easy to take each other for granted and do nothing to find a solution.

And it's easier than anything else to tell yourself not to care.

APATHY KILLS RELATIONSHIPS. It eats away at the core of who we are as human beings...and after a while the life slowly seeps out of us, our hearts grow very cold, and we're dead.

Walking zombies on automatic pilot conditioned to do nothing for anyone else but ourselves. I don't know if this is making sense to you but it makes a whole lot of sense to me and to tell you the truth, it's a bit frightening.

Gotta watch out for myself, we say.

Of course we do...but why is it now like second nature to shut people out? What ever happened to unconditional?

I don't know, Lord. I really don't know.

Why all the pain? Where is it all coming from? I want to know. I want to know what has made us this ill.

Sickness by definition is an infraction on one's health. Brokenheartedness is a sickness to me. People die from it. Just visit your local nursing home for proof.

If we don't learn to love again, we will live very lonely lives. You can give us all the friends in the world and bless us with many, many children...but without love, it all means absolutely nothing.

That's why You introduced me to him. You were going to use him to teach me.

It's never too late. As long as we're here, we can always be better and try harder. We know a lot...but unapplied knowledge has no real value. You can't get into heaven based on what you know. Your key in is how much you loved.

Begging for the grace........

He's waiting for us, too

We've been talking about waiting on the Lord...waiting for the Lord...getting ready for His coming.

But wait...

He's waiting for us, too!

Jesus is waiting for us to hear His call...to answer the door of our hearts...to let Him truly be the King of our lives and the Savior of our souls.

It's time. It's time to step up and do something for Him.

Even I think to myself, "What do you mean, 'Do something for Him'? Haven't I been serving Him all this time?"

Well, okay...like I was telling Rob tonight, I try to remember that I'm doing God's work...especially because I work at a Catholic school and my official title has a lot to do with spiritual formation.

But the Lord is asking me to give more of myself. I do the work...sure, I share my experiences...but what's lacking is that agape love in what I do and in how I share...the kind of love that is self-sacrificing...the kind that doesn't expect anything in return...the love that does not fear hurt or rejection or ridicule.

So, yes, I serve...but only to a certain point. When I get to that point, I'm afraid.

I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of feeling so down and discouraged. Sometimes I feel like I've been waiting for someone to come along and pull me out of my rut. Gary has actually done a very good job of helping me through, as other friends have in the brief conversations we've shared.

But he or anyone else can't be my everything.

Unfortunately (but maybe it's not so unfortunate), there probably won't be a someone who will come along and "fix" everything...someone who will bring back that hopeful idealism we once had...the saint that walks through the door and comes out of nowhere to save us all (or was it Archie tonight at prayer meeting...hmmm, God's timing? hehe).

God is making us realize our brokenness and our need for purification because He wants to be that Someone for us. He is the one - through His Word (like the 2nd Reading for this Sunday says) - telling us that we need to be spotless...we need to be ready...we need to anticipate His coming with eagerness. We need to look at every single aspect of our lives and examine whether it is pleasing to Him - or - only pleasing to ourselves...whether is strengthens and encourages the faith of other people around us - or - weakens and discourages those who are under our influence.

I understood this years ago...but something happened...and I could no longer hold on to the faith I used to have. I never said it wasn't worth it, but over time that's what I ended up believing. Being a real Christian was not a walk in the park. I think I had expected it to be. Maybe a part of me hoped that once I gave my life to Christ, I'd be almost superhuman...where nothing would hurt me, nothing would scare me, nothing would tempt me so strongly that I wouldn't fall back - or "backslide" as they say.

The fact of the matter is that, Jesus doesn't only want us to enter into His divine life as God - doing as He did to proclaim the Kingdom, leading people out of sin and into salvation, even praying for miracles in His name and seeing them happen before our eyes. He also calls us to enter into his very humanity - his joy, his sorrow, his pain and persecution, his love, his friendship, his sacrifice.

It's all about both the "His" and the "his"...the big H being everything of the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity...the little h being just like one of us...yet always humble, obedient, faithful to the end.

Will we let Christ transform our lives and restore us?

Dare I ever say that I don't need transforming and restoration, someone please knock me upside the head.

There are things I need to change, attitudes I need to get rid of, and fears I need to overcome...but I can't do it without Him.

Why am I confessing my weakness as a leader in both my school and church communities? Because I'm not going to pretend to be perfect. I can't live on a pedestal.

At the same time, however, I have come to understand that certain people God brings into my life need something from me and that I am expected by Him to be not just an example but
His very hands and feet and heart in the world.

So when I die, I hope people will not remember any of the great things I accomplished. I pray, rather, that they will remember the encounters and conversations we had and say that they met Jesus.

******************************

"Reflecting immediately after Communion with the Lord God is to me a most sacred moment. When I am in this sacred presence, sometimes my desire for special friends is that they be lifted free from their troubles and inertia of faith. When this desire happened recently, the powerful and challenging word came to me, as an inner voice. It said to me, 'Bring them to the Eucharist.' Now this left me wondering all the more, 'And how am I to do that?' "

- Fr. Roch A. Coogan, OFM from 201 Inspirational Stories of the Eucharist

Line of the Day

Robby (sitting at the table waiting a very long time for our Starbucks drinks): "We must be on a show or something."

hahahahaha =)...that's just too funny!

Good times with the family yesterday...actually this whole 4-day weekend has been great! I didn't bother with a schedule because I figured I deserved some kind of do-nothing vacation. Got to attempt a few new recipes, and if I practice more, I might someday be good at it. My mom pulled out some of her cookbooks for us to look through, and I've found my favorite one...Betty Crocker's New Cookbook: Everything You Need to Know to Cook (because I don't know a whole lot!).

So yes, Thanksgiving was really nice...went to Mass with my mom in the morning and hit the kitchen for the rest of the morning until everyone started coming over. In years past, it had always been my dad playing Master Chef of the family. This year we were a little worried that a few dishes wouldn't come out right but everything turned out okay. Gary even brought over his homemade lasagna, as requested by the family...always impressive because it just takes a lot of patience to prepare and it tastes soooo delicioso! The gathering was small - just our immediate family, Robby, Mike, Gary and Nelden (his brother from SF) - but it was good to be together.

I slept for most of the day on Friday, hoping to get to the 2nd round CIF playoff game but decided against it because I was very tired. It's okay, I really needed the rest.

Yesterday, Em came over in the morning while I was cooking breakfast. She and Lyn-Lyn plugged in the Magic Mic and sang their hearts out like old times. I remember when she first got it - I would wake up every Saturday morning for the longest time to the sound of Emeline's voice. Ahhh, memories...

After serving them eggs w/keilbasa sausage, I decided to go back and try the recipe I skipped on Thanksgiving...Chicken-Fried Portobello Mushroom w/Mashed Potatoes and Gravy...yummy. That turned out pretty good, and we were all super-full when we were done. Mike came over, and we sat around talking for a while until Em decided that we should all take a fied trip to the new Target across from SPV and have Starbucks after shopping. Hence the "Line of the Day" above.

Word of advice: If you want coffee, it's probably best to drive to an actual Starbucks rather than one that is very much understaffed.

Nonetheless, Rob entertained us with Leilani's newly bought Dark Black Chandler, and like Mike said, we had nothing else to do anyway.

I really love hanging out with my sisters and BiL's, and of course Leilani, too. They're GREAT (and quite funny, I might add)!!!

We put up the tree and decorated it after they were done watching Hitch, then ate some more. I thought it was cute that my mom and Robby were humming Christmas songs. I had to leave to meet Jennifer for Mass at Holy Family, but as I was driving away from my house, I was so grateful for my familia.

First Sunday of Advent. Fr. Anthony spoke of preparing our hearts. That convicted me but I didn't give it much thought after that until now. We need to prepare our hearts to both give love more freely and to receive the love God and other people want to give to us. Make room so that when Jesus, Mary and Joseph come knocking, we will not turn them away because our hearts are overcrowded with worldly attachments, resentments, unforgiveness, and sin. That will be my Advent prayer...

Dinner afterwards was "mmm, mmm, soooo good" at Sushi Studio w/Jennifer. It's probably been a couple of years since we really hung out. Much needed, I think, for both of us. Even though I've kind of struggled somewhat with staying in a community, I'm so glad to know that when it comes down to it, we are still here for each other and that there is good reason that certain people are still in my life.

Today I shall pick up my wedding dress.

I must say, I really miss my fiance right now.

A little over 7 months to go!

Simple

I spent the evening with Leilani while her mom was at work yesterday. She entertained me by doing the Cabbage Patch as I was eating and watching TV with my mom. I thought it was hilarious.

When I went upstairs she followed me into my room and asked if I would teach her more about Jesus in the book we were reading a couple of days ago (the Passion of the Christ). She started getting sleepy but she insisted on finishing the whole book. At the picture of Jesus and Barabbas, I told her that Barabbas did bad things and was a criminal. Then I asked, "Did Jesus do anything bad?" and she said, "No, Jesus always followed His heart."

When we were done, she still wanted to learn more, so we talked about all the things you can find in the church and what we do at church.

At some point the topic of me buying her an angel blanket came up, and I told her that we should learn how to give to people who don't have a whole lot since we have many blankets already.

Her response was, "We can call it 'One Person at a Time Store'."

Talk about inspiration.

Later she said that God told her to pray for the people that died...so that's who she prays for all the time. We did our night-time prayers and fell asleep on my bed under my fuzzy blanket.

This is what I live for. =)

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

Don't look back

Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back at the burning city of Sodom. (Genesis 18:26)

No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the reign of God. (Luke 9:62)

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

Let it go.

God's mercy has allowed me a new life and I cannot desire to go back to what I left.

Each time I walked into the confessional and reconciled with God, He erased sins of my past that threatened to plague me for the rest of my life. The day that I decided I wanted to give Jesus my heart and change my life, I chose a different way of being...a different way of speaking, of acting, of loving.

I looked at the cross and I said I would follow. I said I would want to be there...right there with Him.

Why?

Because I knew that it didn't end on Calvary.

If I only think about the suffering, I can't possibly want that for the sake of suffering alone. But if I think about my Lord and the heartache He experienced when his friends abandoned Him...if I think about the victory that came three days later after all the despair, it makes the suffering worth it.

It all comes back to one word.

HOPE.

We hope for things to get better. We hope that we won't make the same mistakes again. We hope that when temptations and trials do come in the future, we'll be able to face them with more wisdom and courage than we did in the past.

To hope is to persevere...to NOT GIVE UP...to have faith that God is there with us so much more than we are ever aware of Him...and ever-present not just for us but for everyone that we pray for, for everyone that He ever loved into creation.

So I release all my regrets...all of the guilt that has weighed me down...all of the pain that has imprisoned me.

I've learned from it all.

But I no longer need to look back. What's done is done. That's not me anymore.

Please God that my eyes will be set on the horizon, but may my feet be firmly planted when I stop to appreciate everything that I have today.

Remember the story - from beginning to end. And then realize that it isn't over yet...

Dude, I'm tired but I feel great!

Hi, folks...

Just finished the Winter Sports Retreat with the Soccer Team. The Basketball Team didn't end up showing, but it actually ended up to be a great day. Those soccer players are some pretty funny guys. They're very mellow yet quite playful and highly cooperative, I must say.

I was talking to Lupe about maybe having individual team retreats instead of grouping them by season, just so the group stays at a manageable size. Then he, as everyone else does, warned me not to overwork myself because that would more than double the number of Sports retreats during the year. You know what, though? This was the easiest and funnest (is that a word?) retreat I've ever done. If they were only 3 hours long (I guess it would be more of a mini-retreat), then it wouldn't be so bad.

Even though I'm not an athlete, I'm really growing in appreciation for the discipline of sports and what it does for the players. It helps that my fiance is a "sports guy" - an athletic trainer by profession and a past high school football player - and that my students share that part of their lives with me by wanting me to go to their games. Yes, if I don't end up having my own children, I'll have many kids to help "raise" here at Verb or anywhere else I may end up in the future.

This is a beautiful place. As I was hiding walnuts around campus for their "Squirrel" game, I was just loving the moment of being here. Sure it's hard sometimes, and the stress can come close to unbearable every so often, but how bountiful are the rewards when my boys succeed...when they come and say hi after they've graduated...when they ask me to pray for them because they want to try to be better people.

You can't pay me enough to make me want to do something else.

******************************

For anyone who wants to learn scheduling and task prioritization techniques, please let me know and I'll teach you over coffee (yes, Dorothy, that's you!). I wanted to blog it all out but it's SO much better in person.

Just bring your Day Planner and calendar and I'll bring mine!

It's really worth learning because then you'll actually have time to do things you want to do. Granted that you'll have to sacrifice some things for others at times, you're still able to look at your days overall and balance time with everyone important to you while still finding the opportunity to get things done.

You just can't put too much pressure on yourself and expect that more hours in your day will magically appear. It's all just a matter of being at peace with what you choose to devote your time to.

Like right now, I'm choosing to blog even if I didn't schedule it because I feel the need to appreciate my day today through this entry. I wanted to get some work done this afternoon but my body is telling me to go home and take a nap. I can just do some rearranging since I'm coming back to work tomorrow for Open House. Grading papers is not fun when your eyes can't stay open.

So I'm going home now.

Thank you, Lord, for today. You're AWESOME. You really are.

In the morning when I wake,
And my feet can find the floor,
I stumble down the hall,
And I open up the door,
Then I look into the mirror,
Just like I know you do.
Stopping for a moment,
I can feel my mind go through,
The bound’ries of time,
Back to a heart without his Love inside.
I was more than just alone;
I was dying on my own,
Thinking that nothing was ever gonna
Save my life.
Look what has happened to me,
I find it hard to believe.
His love has taken my life
This far, so far....Looking what has happened to me,
My mind can hardly conceive
What I’m beginning to be,
Look what, look what....
When you stop and think it over,
Do you think you’re doing well?
Are you getting stronger?
Can you really tell?
If you’re truthful with your feelings,
Then you see there’s room to grow,
Though you may have found the answer,
There is so much more to know....
More to this life.
You can never stop growing, or you’ll
Start to die.
I can not survive alone.
I am nothing on my own.
But seeing’s believing, and if you
Need to see,
Look at me.
Ahhhh....Look what has happened to me,
I find it hard to believe.
His love has taken my life
This far, so far....
Look what has happened to me,
My mind can hardly conceive.
Look what has happened,
Look what, look what....
Look what has happened to me,
I find it hard to believe.
His love has taken my life
This far, so far....
Look what has happened to me,
My mind can hardly conceive
What I’m beginning to be,
Look what, look what....
Look what has happened to me,
(look what has happened to me,)
I find it hard to believe.
His love has taken my life
This far, so far....
Look what has happened to me,
My mind can hardly conceive
What I’m beginning to be,
Look what, look what....

Hey, who turned out the lights?

On...off..back on.

I feel like a light switch. Every once in a while something happens...it gets dark and I don't know where I'm going. I try to remember where things are but I seem to forget and find myself stumbling around trying to find my way.

Someone flipped the switch. I can see again. Thank God.

Life is hard...but we don't tell little kids that when they grow up they will get their hearts broken, they will face disappointments, and people won't want to be their friends. We don't tell them that they will probably have at least one job they don't like...that they will lose family members and loved ones...that they will struggle and face days when they will want to give up...we don't tell them they will get sick and someday die.

We look at children and we appreciate them because they are able to enjoy their days, and we do everything we can to protect them and educate them so that they are able to face the challenges that come their way as smoothly as possible. Of course we don't paint a picture of life that deludes them into thinking that it's perfect, but we try to encourage...not discourage. Why? Because the very situations they will face will already threaten their self-confidence and even their faith.

I speak of the above because it pertains to a few major areas of my life, most especially my career and my relationship with my fiance and with my God.

I was told not to get a Master's in Theology because the job outlook wasn't great. Society says that 60% of marriages will end in divorce. The path to Heaven is long and narrow and very few people enter into the gates of Heaven.

As they say, statistics work against me.

But I don't want statistics to dictate my life and direct my path. That's God's job. Just because other people are doing other things - working other jobs, making other choices in their relationships and walking other paths - doesn't mean that I should devalue what I do or who I am.

There is a road I've been set on, with many twist and turns and forks to choose. There is a job I was given and a time of training necessary in order to do well so that people who were lost could have a light to follow. There is a man I happened to meet along the way who would be my companion...one who would help me persevere through the rough terrain and enjoy the beauty along the way. There is a God who would guide us both...who would lead and encourage...who would inspire and strengthen...who would see us to the very end.

And no, I'm not doing any of it out of obligation or because I have no where else to go. I'm making a choice to be here because I want to be.

When I look at the teenagers who I am choosing to serve - I see how they need my knowledge and understanding...and I see how I need their reality to teach me something about the world.

When I look at the man I am choosing to marry - I see how he needs my support and acceptance...and I see how I need the love that he has to give so that I can simply learn to receive God's blessing for me.

When I look at my Jesus on the cross who I am choosing to follow - I see how He needs me to bring His presence to others through my life...and I see how I need everything that He has ever been for everyone who came before me, knowing that my work and my love will not be in vain because it is His work that I do and His love that I give.

I'm sorry...I'm sorry it took me so long to see it, Lord, and I beg for your grace to keep my eyes open.

THE REFLECTION OF ETERNAL LIGHT
"I have come to know everything we see and everything hidden, because Wisdom, who designed them all, taught me.

In her is a spirit that is intelligent, saintly, unique, manifold, subtle, active, concise, pure and lucid. It cannot corrupt, loves what is good and nothing can restrain it; it is beneficent, loving humankind, steadfast, dependable, calm though almighty. It sees everything and penetrates all spirits, however intelligent, subtle and pure they may be.

Wisdom, in fact, surpasses in mobility all that moves, and being so pure pervades and permeates all things.

She is a breath of the power of God, a pure emanation of the glory of the Almighty; nothing impure can enter her. She is a reflection of eternal light, a spotless mirror of God's action and an image of His goodness.

She is but one, yet Wisdom can do all things and, herself unchanging, she renews all things. She enters holy souls, making them prophets and friends of God, for God loves only those who live with Wisdom.

She is indeed more beautiful than the sun and surpasses all the constellations; she outrivals light, for light gives way to night, but evil cannot prevail against Wisdom." (Wisdom 7:21-29)

Mary, Seat of Wisdom, please pray for us.

Look forward to the Lord's coming

"Be patient, then, beloved, until the coming of the Lord. See how the sower waits for the precious fruits of the earth, looking forward patiently to the autumn and spring rains. You also be patient and do not lose heart, because the Lord's coming is near.

Beloved, do not fight among yourselves and you will not be judged. See, the judge is already at the door. Take for yourselves, as an example of patience, the suffering of the prophets who spoke in the Lord's name. See how those who were patient are called blessed. You have heard the patience of Job and know how the Lord dealt with him in the end. For the Lord is merciful and shows compassion." (James 5:7-11)

So I choose to be patient and to offer each day to Him.

#1 priority: Doing the will of the Father

What exactly does the Father want me to do?

Know Him, love Him, serve Him. Remain faithful in the little things. Be joyful. Give of myself to others. Trust Him. Be thankful. Forgive. Share the beautiful things about my faith with those who need to hear it.

He doesn't want me to stress out or worry about anything. He doesn't want me to be afraid. He most especially doesn't want me to give the devil any room to work in my life, in my heart, or in my head. I have to let God fill every part of me so that He can be given charge of everything I have and everything I am.

Before I even plan my days, I need to be mindful of where I want to go. I need to set my eyes on Heaven and let my love for God direct my actions and decisions. And I need to - above all else - just let Him love me.

You would think that would be easy, but it isn't.

So I just pray. I pray that I will be able to open my heart to Him more each day...it is my constant prayer because I've written it down many times before.

What does this have to do with the To-do List I mentioned a couple of entries ago?

Lots.

My life has to have purpose.

No, I'm not doing great things in the world where people will put my name in lights...nor am I beautiful enough to have my face filling magazine covers or movie screens. So being that as it may, what goals do I have for myself?

I want to do His will.

I want to live my life and order my days according to His plan, where I don't miss opportunities to meet Him in the people I work with, in the students I teach, in those we outreach to in the community. I want to be completely free of the chains that have wound their way around my heart for much of my life...to know that I am making progress when it comes to love...to give chunks of my heart away without expecting anything back in return.

Still feel like a bit of a mess, but that's okay. Fr. Scott always told me that mess is good, in the sense that you know that the more you work at it, the closer you'll get to some sort of order.

Today's AFF session was good. I trusted and I prayed and I found myself smiling. Then I remembered the rainbow I saw last week over Knickerson Gardens as I thanked God for being wherever I went. When you are conscious of His presence all around you, you never get lonely.

How beautiful is that?

So I shall continue on for the rest of my day, grateful for what He's given me...particularly thankful for a conversation I had an hour ago with a very good friend of mine. It was much needed. It was getting much too painful to hold it all in. Whew.

Those random phone calls are truly emotional life-savers.

It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. Maybe I should write that 97 more times to drill it in my head. Or maybe I should just leave for Mass now and give it all it Jesus.

Good idea. =)

Today

On my way to work, I noticed a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that said,

"Today would be a great day for JESUS to come back."

AMEN.

Glory Defined
by Building 429

There's always a better way
there's always a bridge that needs crossing
there's always the straight and the narrow
the wide and the shallow
But I know that you're guiding me
and the best is yet to come
You've given me hope for tomorrow
and I know some day

Chorus
I'll wake up to find Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan I know that I'll be running home to you
It's always the simple things
it's always the obvious that crashes over me
It's always in front of me
it helps me to remember
this is what I live for and I can't wait

There's never a question in your message
never a moment without your presence
there's never a doubt in my mind
that I'll wake up to find Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan I know that I'll be running home to you

******************************

"There is wisdom in knowing what is inevitable and what, with courage and intelligence, can be changed. Fundamentally though, nothing matters except to have a true and humble desire to do what we know is right."

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

"If you have accepted Christ Jesus as Lord, let Him be your doctrine. Be rooted and built up in Him; let faith be your principle, as you were taught, and your thanksgiving overflowing." (Col 2:6-7)

Day Planning

For those of you who just can't seem to get the concept of time management down, I recommend Franklin Covey's prioritizing system. I didn't want to blog about this until it actually became a habit, and being that I've done this consistently for over 21 days (29 to be exact!), that officially makes it a habit I have developed (yaaaaay!!!).

I should be sleeping right now, but I took an hour nap and I'm still pretty wide awake so I thought I'd share the wealth.

I am the classic procrastinator in addition to tendencies toward overachievement and perfectionism. After attending a workshop to help campus ministers manage their tasks and time, I realized that my life was a mess. Okay, maybe not that bad, but it wasn't efficiently run. I wasted a lot of time and a lot of energy, and I could never find the time to do the things that were really important to me. I was always tired and unnnecessarily stressed out, and I really couldn't blame it on my illness. Something needed to change, so I decided to apply everything I learned immediately (there is also the 72-hour rule...if you choose to do something, make sure you get started within 72 hours or you'll never really begin).

It was difficult at first but I was determined to make this system work for me. I have so many facets of my job and of my life that I couldn't not have a plan for my days. Just taking the 15 minutes per morning (or night) alone to plan had to become habit, and then things that I wanted to incorporate into my life needed to become a regular part of my life as well. I had to keep track of how many hours of sleep I was getting, whether I took my medicine and vitamins, what I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if I was able to get any exercise in, how much water I drank during the day.

Of course you don't have to be as anal as I am since I need to log all this stuff to track changes in my health, but it's nice to know that things - especially important things - are no longer slipping through the cracks and not getting done.

There have been a couple of days at the most when I decided not to make a schedule and have a do-whatever-I-want day, and there have also been times when I decided to put off a task or two for a day just so I could visit my sister or catch up with a friend who happens to call out of the blue. Moments like that are important to me, so I definitely don't pass those opportunities up. But gone are the days of feeling unproductive because now it feels like I'm doing more things that really do have purpose.

It's almost 11:30 and I should start winding down, so I'll just leave you with hints on a to-do list for now. Perhaps in my next entry, I'll explain the concept of prioritizing tasks and give you an idea of how I organize my day.

Part One: THE TO-DO LIST
Making the most of your to-do list...

Take a little time each day to build you list of things To Do.

• Include in your to-do list activities that help you move closer to reaching your goals. Moving toward your dream takes effort. Not as much as you might think, but it does take something - a willingness to examine what you want and how you spend your time. Perhaps there is a skill you want to learn, or a place you want to visit, or there is something about yourself you want to improve. Write down something today to move you closer to your goals.
• In addition to activities that will help you reach your goals, you will have tasks that must be completed for work, school, home life, etc. These activities may or may not be directly related to your long-term goals, but they must be completed to keep your life functioning. Write these activities on your list also.
• Be sure that you do not include activities that should appear on your Appointment Schedule. Meetings, classes, doctor visits, and other scheduled items can be listed on your Appointment Schedule in the appropriate time slot and do not need to take up space on your to-do list.
• It also helps to review the upcoming days to see what you can do today to prepare for future events or assignments. Research, agenda preparation, etc., are items that could be put on your to-do list in preparation for the days ahead.

"There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we do it as beautifully as possible."

- Bl. Mother Teresa

The Struggle

"It's hard to be holy, huh, Ms. Soratorio?"

"Yes, it is, Alex...you can't do it by yourself. That's why you need God's help."

I gave them a snippet of what I used to be like, and I realized how much I've changed. But lately, I've been so aware of how much farther I have to go.

We try our best, we really do.

We can only give God who we are and let Him work with what we've got. He doesn't expect us to run faster than we're able. If we fall, we just have to get back up.

"But what if you keep struggling with the same sin?"

"Then you go back to confess it again. If you keep going to Confession, eventually it won't become a problem anymore. It takes time, and you have to be patient with yourself."

Patience. It's such a difficult virtue to learn because it's almost easier to get stuck in the frustration and move towards giving up.

What are we doing here, again?

God created us because He needed to have relationship. He is love and love by its very nature wants to give. He needed someone to give to.

So that means we are here to receive His love, just because He wants to love us. When we mess up, He still loves us, and He still keeps giving to us. When we receive His love, we develop that love relationship with Him and out of that love, we want to give Him our love in return.

How do we do that?

By wanting to be with Him...living our lives to please Him...doing all we can to make Him happy. Our love becomes self-giving as well. Not selfish.

Wow, that's convicting.

I honestly don't live every day of my life waking up thinking about Him. I wake up thinking about what I have to do because it needs to get done, but I don't think about who I'm doing it for. Periodically I'll do things consciously for myself, for my fiance, for my family, or for my friends. Do I say to my Lord, "I'm doing this for You"?

Not really.

I guess I just assume that He knows and I don't have to think about it.

But I want to.

I want to be as intentional with my actions for God as I am with everything else I do for other people.

Maybe I just need to acknowledge more often that He's actually with me throughout my day. Yes, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep and also through the night into the next morning. Maybe then it'll come more naturally.

Maybe then I won't offend Him anymore because I'll be conscious of His presence...of how much He loves me and how much I really do want to please Him.

Maybe then it won't be so hard to try to be holy.

Our faith and our relationship with Him is the greatest blessing we have. I pray that I'll grow to appreciate it as much as the saints did when they truly had God as their everything.

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

Today's 1st Reading

God formed man to be imperishable;
the image of his own nature he made them.
But by the envy of the Devil, death entered the world,
and they who are in his possession experience it.

But the souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;
and their passing away was thought an affliction
and their going forth from us, utter destruction.
But they are in peace.
For if before men, indeed, they be punished,
yet is their hope full of immortality;Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed,
because God tried them
and found them worthy of himself.
As gold in the furnace, he proved them,
and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.
In the time of their visitation they shall shine,
and shall dart about as sparks through stubble;
They shall judge nations and rule over peoples,
and the Lord shall be their King forever.
Those who trust in him shall understand truth,
and the faithful shall abide with him in love:
Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones,
and his care is with his elect.
(Wis 2:23–3:9)

This is a reading that is usually used at funerals...I remember it very well from the many I have attended. Today's passage however begins a few verses before and speaks of the devil's envy.

Satan envies us. Why and what does that mean?

Envy: A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

He wanted something that we had when God created us.

What can we do that Satan cannot?

Procreate.

Satan as the angel Lucifer was not made to take part in the creation of anything. He by his very nature could praise God and serve Him - just like we can - and had more power than any man or woman ever would, but this...he could not do.

So how does he retaliate?

He destroys.

He destroys relationships. He destroys lives. Anything life-giving is his enemy.

"...death entered the world and those who are in his possession experience it." (v.24)

This, I believe is not death of the body but death of the soul. We will all pass away but the Father has given us His Son to save us for an eternity with Him. If we do not accept the death of Jesus for our sins, we reject the very gift of salvation.

How easy it would be to slip back into the ways of the world, but how tragic the consequences.

Is it really worth it? Fleeting moments of temporary happiness in exchange for what?

Jaymee sent me a quote a while back that convicts the heart profoundly - "No matter which of the thousands roads you choose, at the end of life we'll see two faces: the beautiful face of Christ or the wretched face of Satan. One will claim us for all eternity."

Yesterday I recalled a young man I met who said he used to be very involved in his church - leader of a praise band, making music for God. Something happened that caused him to lose faith in God and he has turned his back on the Lord completely. Seeing his life now, I couldn't understand why he would leave such a beautiful journey but I could only trust that God still called him and I prayed that someday he would open the door of his heart again.

Things may happen that disillusion us and lead us to believe that God isn't really there...that all the effort we put into remaining strong in faith is more than we can handle. We see hypocrisy in our church and we don't want to be a part of it because the people we deal with everyday "out there" are more real than the ones we see in the house of God.

Some of that I do understand.

It's a road, however, that I cannot take.

I can't leave Him, and I can't leave His Church. I looked up at the Cross during Mass last night and I heard myself repeating the words I've said again and again - "If I was to walk away from this, where would I go?"

I pray that those who have left will come back...that they will someday learn that those difficult times were great opportunities for virtue to emerge...that they will hear the words of Solomon and know that God does care, that He does love them with everything He is.

"Do not invite death by the error of your life,
or bring on destruction by the works of your hands;
because God did not make death,
and He does not delight in the death of the living.
For He created all things so that they might exist;
the generative forces of the world are wholesome,
and there is no destructive poison in them,
and the dominion of Hades is not on earth,
For righteousness is immortal."
(Wis 1:12-16)

It's all coming together

I want to write about something but I don't know what to write about.

Maybe I got it all out at adoration earlier.

How are you?

I'm good. Yeah, I'm actually doing pretty well. Funny to say that when last week was so rough. That's the strange thing about my condition...about my life, really. It's very roller-coasterish.

When I walked in the front door tonight, I saw Leilani and my mom both asleep on the couch. It was the cutest thing.

Leilani is in kindergarten now at St. Pius. She looks so adorable in her uniform. I'm glad Lyn-Lyn decided to transfer her there because she would not have been able to dress up as St. Therese for All Saints' Day if she was still in a public school. And her cousin Cha-Cha is her reading buddy. That's cool.

So I'm looking forward to seeing her grow up and learn more...to be there as she develops in faith. She's learning how to read now. What she'll do when we're driving around is she'll look for signs and spell them out and ask me what they say. Then I tell her to sound it out and she uses the letter sounds to try to figure it out. Super-cool.

What else is new?

Emeline is pregnant (not so new) and she's cute, too! In a very grown-up mommy kind of way, of course. Her tummy is a little bigger each time I see her. How exciting...I get a kick out of watching Robby talk to the baby inside. I pray every day for them and the baby, who I will get to meet in 5 months! Yes, I am SOOOOO grateful that she is going through all that before me. As you can see, I have no problem being the oldest and not being the first to do everything. I like being one step behind for a change. That's super-duper cool.

Someone else I know is pregnant, too, but I can't say too much because I don't know how much she's already shared. And for that blessing, I thank God, too!!!

Lots will be happening next year...my cousin Beng, Em, and my friend will all have their babies...the KPsiE 10-year reunion in March...my last 6th grade class will be graduating from St. Paul...Summer and I will be getting married (no, not to each other!)...I'll move out of the house for the first time in my entire life...I'll get to go to Hawaii with Gary for 2 whole weeks!...my first students at Verb will be going through their KAIROS in the fall...and I'll be turning 30 (finally! I know - it's weird that I'm happy about that, but I am).

Yaaaaay! God is so good.

It's great to have so many things to look forward to.

Life, of course, is not always a bed of roses and I'm sure the year will also be sprinkled with difficulties, but it is a comfort to know that God will always be there in the midst of it all.

Praying through each day so that I don't take any of it for granted.

That's it for tonight. I think I'll get ready for bed now.

and Jason, if you happen to be reading this, you'll be happy to know that my bedtime is now 10:00pm. I'm also eating regularly, taking my vitamins and medication, drinking lots of water and trying to keep stress to a minimum (I think that's the most challenging).

Huge accomplishment, eh?

Now if I can only get myself to the track...

Okay, okay...good night!

+AMDG+

Retracing my steps

Sometimes you have to go back to a time and place when you began to try...to try to better yourself and turn away from everything that was getting you down. After giving the world a fair shot, you just realized that it hurt too much to live the way most people were because deep down inside you knew you were called to something greater.

So many times had I made the attempt to get back on my feet but it wasn't until I took His hand that I was able to stay up long enough to make any real progress.

I had to make the journey again...driving out to St. John Vianney in Hacienda Heights for Confession and Mass just so I could remember what it was like to approach Him with that much humility...knowing that I really wasn't as okay as I thought I was...understanding that He needed to be the one to change me and that I couldn't ever do it by myself.

Other people will see me and say that I look fine, but I know better. I know when I'm trying to distract myself from answering God's call to give Him every single aspect of my life. I did it before, years ago, but I guess you could say I was definitely in the "honeymoon phase" of my faith. Everything came easy because I was so in love with Him. Now that it's no longer based on good feelings, I need to make the conscious choice to love Him in the struggle. That's when He'll really know. That's when I can really prove it.

And that would be now.

We all have those moments when we need to rewind and remember where we came from. Eileen called me the other day from up north saying that she had one of those moments in church and she thought of the memories we shared here at home just talking about God and our personal walks with Him.

On the way to church, I also popped in a cd that I made for my first 6th grade class, and the songs triggered so much within me that I couldn't help but be thankful for every step of the path He has set me on.

It may be a place. It may be a person, or it may be a song. God can speak to us in so many different ways, and He's always calling us back. It's just up to us to make that drive or that phone call to encounter Him again...to experience His healing, His comfort, and His love.

And if anything, He's always there Himself - Jesus in the Eucharist, waiting for us to visit and just say hi.

Yes, sometimes you have to retrace your steps in order to get back on track.

It might be scary at first because you don't know what to expect...but you can trust that God will be there...and that He'll be absolutely overjoyed that you decided to come home.

Remember what it was like to know His joy and His peace...to pray with all your heart, knowing in faith that He heard your requests...to rest in His arms and trust in His protection...to leave your sinful past behind you and start over "as if nothing ever happened".

That's so beautiful.

I don't know who I'm writing this to...perhaps it's just a reminder for myself so I can read it again someday...but if there is someone out there who happens to come across this entry needing to recommit their lives to Christ, then please know that I will be praying for you.

As we celebrate the feasts of All Saints and All Souls, the mystical body of Christ joins together to remember who we are...whose side we're fighting for...and that it is a battle we fight every day to establish the kingdom of God here on earth.

We are a pilgrim people, moving through this life in order to help Him get more people into the next.

Our destination: HEAVEN

To lose sight of that would mean to lose our very souls. May God grant His pardon to us for forgetting when we do, and may His mercy be the doorway through which we always return.

A new perspective

It's always good to look at things from different angles, especially when you can't find anything valuable in the perspective you currently have.

Thank you, Lord, for all the friends who called me today and offered their conversation. I can see how each one led me to the next...like it was one long talk that just continued from person to person. All just to catch up, some business to take care of, one to tell me some GREAT news. =) Definitely what I needed today.

Lessons that came out of the convos:

• Sometimes our thoughts border being absolutely crazy...those you don't share with anyone or else you'll cause a lot of potential problems.
• Never assume anything about anyone.
• Everything is going to be fine.
• We will and should experience that tension between Heaven and earth. It will never be 100% comfortable living in this world because it isn't our home. Our souls are always seeking so much more.
• You can't plan inflexibly. God will decide to test and to bless and you've got to be open for both at any time.
• It's okay to have some doubt because that fear of losing something important to you tells you that it's probably worth holding on to.
• Reminder: LOVE IS SACRIFICE
• It's time to tune in again because there isn't an excuse anymore to stay tuned out.
• Go back to what worked before. It's a good place to start.
• Living without community is hard...however, if not given the time or the opportunity, do what the saints did in order to stay close to God...stick with the basics: Rosary, Daily Mass, Adoration, Scripture.
• We each have a "life theme". We may not feel that we always live it out to its fullest but it definitely remains a goal to strive for....whether it be "seeing Christ in all people" or "being Love", it is the essence of who He made us to be in this world.

And, yes, I am complicated. Another thing I would rather not admit to, but it's true. This interior housecleaning isn't going to happen overnight, so I have to learn to be patient with myself.

Dear Jesus, I really need Your eyes right now. Your heart would be good, too.

There are certainly some things in my life that really should not be risked...1) salvation, 2) commitment, and 3) dignity. I've got to be obedient because I know it's best. Times when I wasn't got me into lots of trouble.

I will always love people no matter who they are but I need to know how to live that love out.

Holy Spirit, that's where You come in.

This is where my pain comes from. This is my struggle...to allow God the freedom to work in any way He chooses but to act with the prudence He also uses to protect us. Perhaps I shall no longer suffer if I offer this all to Him in prayer...even before I open up about it to anyone else, I really should bring it to God first. Everyone will be much more at peace as a result.

That's just what is best.

Whew. Today started off kind of slow but I must say that it was a great day. Thanks be to God. =) I'm beginning to really love this journey. It's not as chaotic as I initially thought it would be. So instead of questioning everything, I'm just going to let it go. Or accept it. Whatever the case may be...

"...the suffering in this present life cannot compare to the Glory that awaits us..." (Rom 8:18)

"GOD will never leave you EMPTY,
He will REPLACE everything you've LOST.
If He asks you to put something DOWN,
it's because HE wants YOU to PICK-UP something GREATER."

I want to be like Jesus

...though I will always fall short. I figured, though, that I'm better off wanting to be like Him rather than anyone else who has ever lived.

Of course we always admire people...we want to look like they do...have what they have...act like they act...and it's perfectly okay to have role models and heroes.

But I'm finding that I need someone who will walk closely enough with me...who will spend enough time with me to influence me just by their presence alone.

And that's my Lord.

I'm too easily influenced by the world...by my physical, emotional, and spiritual environment. In positive circumstances, this is a GREAT thing. However, this isn't always the type of situation I find myself in.

If people around me are negative, I start to become negative. If things that I see attract me to want more materially, I find myself spending money on stuff I don't really need. If I listen to music that doesn't uplift my spirit, I lose the desire to pray more and talk about God as the center of everything.

Granted that I can't live my life as if I was a contemplative nun, I need to again be grounded enough so that when I am surrounded by things or attitudes that aren't particularly helpful, I don't become consumed by them. Further progress will be made when I can be in those situations and actually see the face of God, hear His voice and recognize His hand moving in that particular time.

So my prayer is that somehow, someway God will help me know Him better so that I can love him more...that through receiving the Eucharist and being in His Presence I will be transformed into His likeness.

Opportunities for humility are to be expected. They don't always feel good, but I'm thinking that that they're very necessary for me right now. Get ready...

Whooohooo =) praise God. Really, praise God.

Once upon a time...

I thought I knew who I was. Now I'm not so sure I can define that.

Honestly, deep down inside I don't know what I consist of.

Pieces of other people's lives...fragments of their opinions...playdoh-like formations of what society has tried to mold me into.

They say I'm a leader. They say I'm smart and faithful. Nice. Inspiring.

Am I really?

I remember snippets of time when I walked with confidence, but it was confidence in myself...not so much a confidence in God.

I've always been messy inside. Not many people have known that but I'm writing about it because I have to finally admit it. The funny thing is that it's no longer freaking me out. I'm getting quite used to it because it helps me deal with other people's "messiness".

Nope, haven't always had it all together. To a certain degree, I still don't. Lots of work to do in this lifetime but thank God I don't have to do it alone.

Like this blog entry, for instance. I'm writing and I know it doesn't make sense, but it seems that these kinds of entries seem to touch more people than other stuff I've written. So there are people out there who can identify with my "mess". Interesting.

If I ever write a book someday on anything, it's going to be a lot like this. Who knows if it'll be published, but someone might need it. But then maybe I should just write it because I need it.

Random thoughts.

Gary likes to ask me what I'm thinking when I'm quiet. Sometimes I don't even have words for what I'm thinking...but at the end of the day, this is what my mind is filled with. Mere randomness. The thing is that I don't talk too much about what goes on in my head when I do have something coherent to share because I've been warned not to say too much. I figure, who needs to know all this anyway? Highly doubting the significance of my mindless reflection.

Current random thought:
If I were to be an animal, I'd be a turtle. I used to say an eagle when our pledges would interview us because I loved its independence and freedom. Nowadays I'm more like a turtle that would rather withdraw into the safety of its shell and hide out for as long as it can, going at its own pace...not caring that the rest of the world is going faster than it.

In the larger grand scheme of things, who is more important - the eagle or the turtle? I don't know, but God created them both so you can't say a turtle is a waste of His energy. Every one is special... and I guess the moral of this blog entry is that I need to realize that. Maybe I'm not as active as I used to be. Maybe my path isn't as clear as it was some years ago. But God still thinks my life is worth something, so I need to believe that, too.

I will not apologize for my randomness today, like I tend to do. It's just here for anyone who has ever felt that their life didn't make a whole lot of sense but always prayed that it be given some purpose and sense of importance.

No more chasing the wind of empty promises and broken dreams. I'm taking stake of what I'm here for. It's a little cloudy at the moment but I'm sure He'll reveal some truth in it all for me to learn from.

So I shall go to sleep now and take tomorrow to pray for meaning in the seeming meaningless...interior calm amdist the busyness...consolation in the fears. Just to be a better person...to be more than I have been for everyone in my life.

The End.

"When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life." - Greg Anderson

A Small Sacrifice

Sometimes you have to give more than you think you have the energy for just because you know it's good for you...like exercising and eating right...though I don't do well with either of those two...I just know that I need to get back into some sort of routine to keep my soul in check. My job depends on it. So does my future marriage. One step at a time. I'll work on my diet and physical activity gradually, but my relationship with God comes first.

At least I'm getting more sleep! =) That's progress...

If you're reading this, please pray for our Freshman Retreat on Thursday. Thank you!!!

Lots going on right now.

This is why I need to go back to Daily Mass. If Mother Teresa could find time to pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament and go to Mass every day as she served the poorest of the poor, I can do the same if I really try. Life demands much of us and rarely is it ever easy, especially when you give your all. But God makes it all worth it and the Eucharist gives us the strength to go on when we can't hold ourselves up.

If I continue to say I'm too busy for Him, I won't make it through this year.

The pull of the world is so strong...but I know who I belong to. Now I just have to recommit myself to The Way I know to be true...the path that I had begun to walk down but stopped to rest for a while...at least until I started feeling the call to get up again.

In and not of it.

I look into his eyes and I want to give him so much but it'll never be enough. If I can offer him a heart in love with God, that's an eternity with joy forever guaranteed.

I see them needing something but I always feel that I don't have much to fill the emptiness. If I can be Christ's presence to them, that's more gift than anyone could ever ask for.

How do I know this?

Because that's what he offers me. Because that's what they are for me every day.

I have to keep growing into what the Father made me to be. I need to fulfill the purpose that the death of Jesus made possible for the life I was given. I absolutely must be open to the Spirit moving within me and around me and I've got to start paying attention.

Time goes by way too fast and I feel like I'm missing out on so much.

Pay attention. Listen. Watch. Pray.

That's all Jesus told the disciples to do before Pentecost. That's all He asks us to do so that we can hear the voice of God speak and direct us...so that we will become true intercessors...saints called to be holy, not because we want to be recognized for our holiness but because we have discovered what we were created to do for the good of the Kingdom.

There is a gap between heaven and earth and each of us is called to fill it.

Our Lord is the bridge and we are an extension of His Body. He's crying out to us to remember this.

The memories can only hold me over for so long.

It's time to fly again...

"But love your enemies and do good to them, and lend when there is nothing to expect in return. Then will your reward be great and you will be sons and daughters of the Most High. For he is kind towards the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Don't be a judge of others and you will not be judged; do not condemn and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven; give and it will be given to you, and you will receive in your sack good measure, pressed down, full and running over. For the measure you give will be the measure you receive back." (Luke 6:35-38)

Special Intention

Quake Kills More Than 18,000 in South Asia

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (AP) - A powerful earthquake flattened entire villages of mud-brick homes, triggered landslides and toppled a 10-story apartment building on Saturday, killing more than 18,000 people as it devastated a mountainous swath touching Pakistan, India and Afghanistan.

The casualty toll from the 7.6-magnitude tremor rose sharply Sunday as rescuers struggled to dig people from the wreckage, their work made more difficult as rain and hail turned dirt and debris into sticky muck. Maj. Gen. Shaukat Sultan, Pakistan's chief army spokesman said early Sunday that more than 18,000 had been killed - 17,000 of them in Pakistani Kashmir, where the quake was centered. Some 41,000 people were injured, he said.

******************************

There are people all over the world with no homes, no families, no hope. After tragedies like 911, the earthquake in El Salvador, the tsunami in Southest Asia, Hurricane Katrina, and this recent devastation, we can only be moved to gratitude for what we have...for the time we spend living our lives with the people we love.

We may never feel like we have enough time, money, or resources but when we compare our situations with those who have nothing, we cannot even begin to wish for more.

God gives us what we need and His grace is always sufficient...

May the greatest good come from the deepest heartache. Amen.

The Perfect Heart

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.

Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart. Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said,

"Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

Everybody is special

Each person is deeply loved by God. Even if we have a hard time liking them or accepting them as a part of our lives, we need to love what God loves. Therefore, we need to love everyone He does. He wants the best for them, and so should we.

Recognizing the presence of the Lord in all people would really reduce the amount of sin in the world and in our own individual lives. It's difficult to harbor unforgiveness, resentment, anger, lustful thoughts, jealousy, impatience, irritation, etc. when you ask to see Him there. If they have pushed Him out of their hearts, we cannot then just shake our heads with pity. We need to pray that God will reclaim them for Himself and do what we can to show them mercy and compassion.

As much as I "work with God" this is easy for me to forget sometimes, too. I have always wanted to love God more, and it's a piece of cake when I'm sitting in front of the Eucharist in adoration. But the real challenge is finding Him in those who surround us everyday...those we would rather not see or talk to...those who may make life tense or stressful for us.

This also would help my prayer and day-to-day minstry with people, whether they be family, coworkers, friends, students, fiance...and the list goes on. If I am aware of how present God is to all of us, I won't worry so much about those I cannot help because I will pray for them and trust that He will send another messenger to encourage them along the way. I also will not hesitate to help if the need is great and He makes it clear to me that something must be done.

The Spirit flows where the Spirit wills. Love surrounds us more than we know, and so to say each day, "Hello, Lord, I know You are here in our midst...You always have been and You always will be," is to give Him everything that belongs to Him - our time, our talents, our treasures, our hearts - and let Him direct us in their use. He's right here working with us, praying with us, cooking with us, cleaning with us, sharing in our joys and sorrows...accepting us in this moment just as we are but constantly laboring in our circumstances to bring us closer to heaven.

So I offer to you, dear God, my interactions with the people I love...with the people you send into my life...with the people who are there to help me grow in virtue. I pray that I will see You in them...that You will open up my heart wide enough to let Your love flow into it and through it so that they may experience You through my words, my actions, and my prayers...that You will open my ears in order to listen to Your voice calling out to me, teaching me Your ways in the lessons I learn in our conversations or maybe even in our silent exchanges.

All for You, Lord. Basta ikaw...

Shower meditation

Most "revelations" that I get come as I'm getting ready to start my day. It occurred to me at some point (was it after I was washing my hair? haha) that the entry I wrote in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't sleep contained my "non-negotiables". So my thoughts continued, yes, after I woke up and God gave me the following:

If the characteristics of my "ideal mate" were not present and I ended up with the complete opposite, this is the kind of person he'd be. Imagine this...

• does not see a need for prayer
• refuses to believe in anything supernatural
• impatient
• judgmental
• unkind
• coarse
• lazy
• disrespectful
• does not value the Mass
• thinks praying the Rosary is a waste of time
• watches and listens to anything under the sun, no matter how many obscenties are seen or heard
• thinks kids are a nuisance
• rude
• prideful
• does not practice what he claims to believe when he does choose to believe in something
• chaotic
• selfish
• has no room for God in his life

Then I pictured being that way myself and felt sick to my stomach.

I can marry someone who can't cook but I can't marry someone who has no faith. I can commit to someone who doesn't listen to the same music as me but I can't allow junk to enter into the eyes and ears and thus the hearts of my children. He doesn't have to share all of my interests but he at least has to share my love for God.

I am really grateful, though, that Gary and I do have much in common - more than we thought at first - (and also that he can cook!) but I'm more grateful that he has what I can't let go of.

This is simply a follow-up to a conversation I had with a couple of friends this past weekend when one of them asked about the necessity of common interests between boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. Sure, I really enjoy Broadway shows and overseas trips but there are more important values that really hold a relationship together and build the foundation for a good family.

We also spend so much time looking for that "special someone"...that "perfect soulmate"...that we neglect the work that needs to be done on ourselves to prepare for the moment when that person walks into our lives.

That's why I have to take a good look in the mirror, not just every once in a while but everyday...open to pulling out the logs in my own eyes before I start pointing specks out to other people.

Those are my thoughts for the day. I'm off to see my best friend now. I really miss her. =)

TTFN! +BiL

Night owl

Funny...I try to go to sleep early and then I wake up at 2am and can't get back to sleep...so I picked up my journal and wrote...still not able to fall asleep...so I'm blogging...

I was flipping through the pages of my book and found this list I made back in July. From the conversation I had with Gary a couple of nights ago when I was listing my "criteria" I realized that those were my preferences and there were things on that particular list that I could live without.

This one, however, describes the kind of person that would help get me and my kids (and a whole lot of other people) to Heaven...

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:

• consistent prayer life
• faith
• patience
• understanding
• kind
• compassionate
• hard-working
• respectful
• goes to Mass - also daily, if possible
• loves to pray the Rosary
• knows how to filter media
• good with kids
• polite
• responsible
• disciplined and self-controlled
• simple
• humble
• good teacher
• peaceful
• calming
• helpful
• in love with God

And I asked myself if I was all of these things since they often say not to set expectations that you yourself cannot meet.

Hmm...Jesus and I are working on it. I definitely still have some growing to do, and I think I always will. We can always do better, and I'm fighting the temptation to be extremely hard on myself. Today, however, I can say that I'd like to learn to not only do better but actually be better. I do pray for that, for the sake of everyone in my life and most especially for God.

"Be alert, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong. Let love be in all." (1Cor 16:13-14)

All the Way to Heaven

by V*enna

I never thought that I would
Give my life to You
But know I need Your love in
Everything I do

And when my life is over
We can be together

Take me all the way to heaven
I will follow you forever
When all is said and done
You will be the only One
No more loneliness and sorrow
I have found a new tomorrow
And when my time has come
You and I will live as one

You're all I ever needed
I will follow You
And I will never leave you
Now I know the truth

Now I know I need your love
And I know Your love is real
Let me show You how I feel

Take me with You
Show me the way to heaven
I've found the truth
Now I will live forever...

Back to Jesus we go...

Whew, it's Tuesday...I don't think I've ever been this grateful on a Tuesday. I think I just had a difficult Monday.

Strange how I used to want time to go by really fast. Now that I have so much to do, I wish I could stretch my days out just so I could complete all my lessons, visit with my coworkers, catch up with my students, call old friends, and hang out with my family...not to mention getting to daily Mass, staying for adoration, writing in my journal after reading a good book, and talking to Gary, if we're not sitting around doing nothing.

I have a dear friend who had rededicated herself to Jesus this past weekend. Praise God. =) She just inspired me to do the same.

As I was putting together a Powerpoint presentation on the Liturgical calendar, I learned that the color green used in Ordinary Time symbolizes hope and growth. Green is the color of life and abundance. We go through life measuring it by monumental events, but usually in the in-between "ordinary time" we don't think anything worth much is happening.

So like my friend and I discovered in our conversation today, it's important to recognize that something is happening while we don't notice...when we're waiting for something to knock us off our feet.

We're growing.

Like my rose analogy.

Soil, water, sunlight, and regular pruning.

Humility, sacramental graces, Eucharist, and frequent confession.

Most of the time, we feel nothing. Often we only see the thorns, but the bud is blooming.

There was a red rose growing next to Mama Mary at work today.

I noticed it early in the day as a bud. I came back in the afternoon and it had opened up.

How beautiful!

That made me smile. Ah, yes, encountering God in all things... =)

******************************

Fr. Larry said yesterday at Mass that we are happy only to the extent that we fulfill the will of God in our lives.

I heard that after talking to Melanie and Ofelia in the SPC Religious Ed office. Melanie saw my ring and I shared with her more of "our story". Ofelia then said to me that Fr. Larry once told her about the 4 different types of Christians...

1. The Christian that refuses to carry their cross.
2. The Christian that carries their cross and either brags about it or complains.
3. The Christian that carries their cross and also looks for others to help as well.
4. The Christian that is willing to be nailed to their cross.

From that conversation and my reflection during Mass, I came to the conclusion that I am marrying Christian #4.

Being the kind of Christian that often cannot bear the weight of my own cross, I have a lot to learn.

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (Phil. 3:10-11)

Metamorphosis

At last...a "do nothing" day. I LOVE IT!

Thanks so much, Em, for going to breakfast with me...it was quite yuuuummmy. =) I had a great time hanging out and catching up! We must do this more often and hit more items on that menu...haha

It's been hard staying in touch with everyone lately, but I realized that I shouldn't let too much time pass...especially with family and close friends.

Going back to Days was a blessing. Familiar faces. The disco. I remembered. Thank you, Kuya Jess.

Good times with the Monks...growing up but still staying young. I love my friends. They're the best...that's why we've lasted this long. Eight years. Wow. Funny how Jenn and Chel both got married in the same year...Summer and I are engaged...Shell and Elle are single. Traveling in pairs. We've got a trip planned in October. Yaaay, just like the old days...I'm excited!!!

Alas, I have been spending most of my time at Verb. Work has kept me very busy during this month of August, but at the same time it's where I've had some of my most life-deepening conversations.

I love it that I'm becoming better friends with my coworkers. The family atmosphere that we longed for is growing. What a wonderful feeling it is to be there on that campus.

I love it that we now have Mass every Friday morning before the school day starts. I've always admired Gary for getting to Mass so early in the morning, thinking I'd never be able to get up early enough, but yes, Jesus, you're so worth it.

I love it that God has carried me through one of the most stressful times of the year and preserved the joy in my heart so I can still smile in the end. Faculty/Staff Orientation, Faculty/Staff Retreat, New Families Mass, Student Orientation w/marathon sessions, Fall Sports Retreat, Mass of the Holy Spirit, and Freshman Religion prep. I was tired, but that's why He's giving me this weekend...just to recoup and remember why I do what I do.

It's good to see our boys again.

So much gratitude...that's what it always comes back to.

Thank you, Lord, for my family, for my coworkers, for my students, and for my friends. Thank you for taking care of us...no matter how You allow us to struggle, You've never left us alone. Thank you for my beautiful fiance who manages to make every moment spent with him a cherished one...for filling his heart with an incredible amount of love...for teaching me through him what humility looks like and what faith should really be.

Changing but somehow staying the same person I've always been.

It doesn't matter so much what people think of me. It's not that I don't care. I just put God's opinion above everyone else's. And the fact of the matter is that God loves me. God loves everyone...He really does. So to think that my life - or the life of another person - does not have value is to undermine the very purpose for which we were made. It's true that sometimes we stray...sometimes we're not as close to Him as we were at other times in our lives, but the reality is that He never leaves us.

What's most important is that we keep coming back...that we keep getting up...that we answer the door when He knocks...that we never forget what His voice sounds like.

Yesterday I decided to stop by St. Irenaeus before going home...didn't know they were having Adoration but was pleasantly surprised to see Jesus on the altar...so I stayed. I tried to pray but I didn't have much to say...just wanted to sit there and look at Him...and I realized that my experience of God has become pretty ordinary...not so many "mystical experiences" anymore...thinking to myself, "So this is what it's like for most people," which isn't so bad.

I glanced at the others in the church also praying, knowing that they had loved ones that they were probably lifting up, situations maybe that they couldn't deal with alone.

Then I looked at my ring, and made it part of my own prayer...asking God to take care of our relationship...thanking Him for sending me someone so patient and understanding. Ever since the night that Gary proposed, it has always felt so natural to wear. It was more than what I would have ever expected, and because he chose it and gave it to me as a symbol of his love - of our past, present, and future - it is now a part of me, as much as my medals are...as much as anything else I've ever worn that has meant something to my life's purpose.

As I was telling Em today, I've always had people around me...people to serve, people to teach, people to love. I'll go from one circle to the next and never get tired of watching them grow, as they also help keep my spirit alive and enthusiastic with the evolution of their lives as well. Kappa Psi Epsilon...Servant's Heart...the Monks...Heart of Worship...Verbum Dei...the SPOC family...Liwanag...Days with the Lord...all amazing parts of the Body of Christ.

Yet now I am being called to give of myself in a different way to this man whose presence has added a dimension to my faith that I could not aquire on my own. It was difficult at first because I was afraid of "losing myself" in the relationship, but I found that together we became even more than who we were apart. Gary cares for me in a way that helps me serve, teach, and love better when God does ask me to return to those circles.

This is why I said "Yes".

He helps me deal with the common human experience...to preach the Gospel every day with joy in the midst of trial...to say the words "It's gonna be okay" and truly believe it.

So I get to see him again today. Even if it's always hard to say goodbye whether he's traveling or just going home, it's nice to know that we're getting a little bit closer to "One day..."

+BiL

Blessed are the pure in heart...

...for they shall see God.

Preparing for marriage, not just since the engagement but long before I ever met Gary, has taught me much about what this Beatitude really means.

Few people truly understand the meaning of it and even fewer truly live it out in their own lives.

I was not going to let another person into my life and into my heart unless I knew that he valued the dignity that God gave me as a woman. Not only would he respect my purity but he would protect the purity called forth from other women as well.

It's true - I do see the world through different eyes.

And what do I see?

Those times when I am open to His grace, I see what makes God smile...and I also see what makes Him cry.

I have gone through too much to let that part of me go.

As much as I am laughed at when it comes to what I don't watch and what I don't do, there are those friends who know my values - the values of Christ - and find hope and inspiration to also strive for purity of heart.

It's the key to Heaven. I have to remember that.

No greater reward

As we begin a new school year, I'd just like to offer some words of encouragement to all the teachers out there...

There's nothing better than being a part of a young person's life in such a special way. The influence you have with them is immeasurable. Some of it has to do with what you teach, but most of the impact comes from how you teach it and what love they feel from you as you share your heart with them each day...letting them know that their presence is valued and that their life means something.

Amidst all the lesson plans and faculty meetings, there is a powerful grace flowing within each teacher...a grace even more life-changing than winning the lottery.

It is one of the most challenging and demanding professions there is, but no amount of money can outpay the rewards we receive from the students who are grateful for all that we have taught and given them.

He's my...fiance!

I think I'm starting to get used to it now...hehe =)

Yes, Gary proposed to me last Monday VERY spontaneously...neither of us was expecting it but it had to happen...God's timing, not ours...

And because God was the one who set this all up in the first place, we need to let Him take the lead. We've found that as long as we keep Him in the center of this relationship, He'll be there to guide us and provide the grace for everything we need.

This has been a lot of fun, to say the least. From the moment Gary emailed me to the first time we met...how it all came together on New Year's Eve '04 to all the special moments that we've also been able to share with the people we love...it's the greatest privilege to live out this miracle.

It really is a miracle.

When people ask how we met, I smile to myself because it's just a snippet of such a beautiful story. Even to talk about the proposal gives only a glimpse into the wonderful experience this all has been. No one will never really know the whole story because there's so much to it, but just by looking at how happy we both are, our family and friends know that this is something good.

I have my faults and weaknesses...so does he...we all do...but I'm learning that in relationships we need to admit that we're not perfect and really work to make it work. It's not hard...just humbling. There are times when I've had to get over myself and my own expectations and ask God to show me how to love Gary the way that he needs to be loved. That's the least I can do after everything he has poured out of his heart just for me...to help me experience God's love as well.

We're so blessed to understand what's important for us and our future together...though we've already figured out that it won't look like the kind of life that most people live.

It all starts with the Cross. Once we were able to accept the crosses in our lives with complete confidence that God would help us with them, an overflowing amount of grace was showered upon us to move forward with this relationship. He was ready far earlier than I was because he had that much faith, but I eventually caught up and progressed through my own healing process.

It's like you said to me yesterday, Angie. My healing is almost complete. And I love him. I really do love him.

Thank you, everybody, for being so excited for us...most especially for your prayers.

What looks scary really isn't so bad once you have the courage to take a chance. A very friendly German Shepherd named Bingo proved that to me during my talk this past weekend...a lesson I'll never forget.

+BiL