Once upon a time...

I thought I knew who I was. Now I'm not so sure I can define that.

Honestly, deep down inside I don't know what I consist of.

Pieces of other people's lives...fragments of their opinions...playdoh-like formations of what society has tried to mold me into.

They say I'm a leader. They say I'm smart and faithful. Nice. Inspiring.

Am I really?

I remember snippets of time when I walked with confidence, but it was confidence in myself...not so much a confidence in God.

I've always been messy inside. Not many people have known that but I'm writing about it because I have to finally admit it. The funny thing is that it's no longer freaking me out. I'm getting quite used to it because it helps me deal with other people's "messiness".

Nope, haven't always had it all together. To a certain degree, I still don't. Lots of work to do in this lifetime but thank God I don't have to do it alone.

Like this blog entry, for instance. I'm writing and I know it doesn't make sense, but it seems that these kinds of entries seem to touch more people than other stuff I've written. So there are people out there who can identify with my "mess". Interesting.

If I ever write a book someday on anything, it's going to be a lot like this. Who knows if it'll be published, but someone might need it. But then maybe I should just write it because I need it.

Random thoughts.

Gary likes to ask me what I'm thinking when I'm quiet. Sometimes I don't even have words for what I'm thinking...but at the end of the day, this is what my mind is filled with. Mere randomness. The thing is that I don't talk too much about what goes on in my head when I do have something coherent to share because I've been warned not to say too much. I figure, who needs to know all this anyway? Highly doubting the significance of my mindless reflection.

Current random thought:
If I were to be an animal, I'd be a turtle. I used to say an eagle when our pledges would interview us because I loved its independence and freedom. Nowadays I'm more like a turtle that would rather withdraw into the safety of its shell and hide out for as long as it can, going at its own pace...not caring that the rest of the world is going faster than it.

In the larger grand scheme of things, who is more important - the eagle or the turtle? I don't know, but God created them both so you can't say a turtle is a waste of His energy. Every one is special... and I guess the moral of this blog entry is that I need to realize that. Maybe I'm not as active as I used to be. Maybe my path isn't as clear as it was some years ago. But God still thinks my life is worth something, so I need to believe that, too.

I will not apologize for my randomness today, like I tend to do. It's just here for anyone who has ever felt that their life didn't make a whole lot of sense but always prayed that it be given some purpose and sense of importance.

No more chasing the wind of empty promises and broken dreams. I'm taking stake of what I'm here for. It's a little cloudy at the moment but I'm sure He'll reveal some truth in it all for me to learn from.

So I shall go to sleep now and take tomorrow to pray for meaning in the seeming meaningless...interior calm amdist the busyness...consolation in the fears. Just to be a better person...to be more than I have been for everyone in my life.

The End.