My dear Sam...

Happy 27th birthday to Jennifer Felisan! Wow, we go way back...meeting through her cousin Roland (my ditching-school-to-eat-churros buddy) in 1995...doing all that PAC stuff together...founding Kappa Psi Epsilon together...having the tightest KPsiE Exec Board ever (no offense to the younger girls but the b.anne-elle-jenn-chel combo was dope)...Palm Springs retreat outside at the jacuzzi of Barcelona 1...oh man, that's when it all started...San Diego hotel on the beach (is that jenn writing our letters in seaweed?)...sharing the loss of our dads...all the Monks events and weekend trips...confession at St. John Vianney and eating at The Boat as a reward after (yes, absolution was great but thai food made it even better!)...OHIO (girl, you flew all the way out there just for me, dang...another reason why I need to get a book written)...being on the plane and hearing you say, "I will miss the Shire, Frodo", and so the Fellowship began with the two of us...of course, there's our friend, John, who we found behind the church, remember?...going to Roland's birthday party as Crouching Tiger girls...meeting dave for the first time and being SOOOO happy for you...our "How do you do it, b.anne?" IM conversation (hahaha...yeah, hi to you, too, jenn!)...growing closer to God and closer to each other...

You have done so much for me, I will never have the words to express how grateful I am for a friend like you. You've been there through EVERYTHING and I can't imagine how I could have survived it all without you. Thank you for taking care of me and my family...for joining us at St. Pius and serving for SH as long as you could...for warning me about coming home and possibly getting in trouble, hehe. You are truly one-of-a-kind, and everyone around you knows it. Thanks for all the laughs...for all the talks...for all of the letters on Wonder Woman stationery you send to me. =) Thank you for the hope you inspire in me and for the smiles you spark in us all. God only knows how much I miss you...

So I'll be seeing you soon...more memories to make as life takes us further down the road where every day is always an adventure for Frodo and Sam. I love you so much, Jenn...

"I made a promise, Mr. Frodo! A promise! Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee! And I don't mean to. I don't mean to." - Sam

"I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you." (2Kgs 20:5)

Yes, Mass was great, and I left smiling, too. On the eve of this feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes, I felt something change within me. Last night was a "marker" for me, as Papa Jon calls them...important events that leave an impression on your life experience and, therefore, on the growth of your soul. Just like conversion, healing is not a one shot deal. It is a time-honored process. Like Fr. Andrew said to me tonight, events come in waves... He described to me exactly what I had been experiencing in my relationship with God...in my reaction towards life...brought me back and helped me see as I prayed in front of the Blessed Sacrament no longer the scars that I'd been carrying, but now all of the joys I had been allowed. "Hold on to the consolations," he told me, "for they will help you through many of your trials." And so I immediately thought of what made me smile...what once brought so much joy to my heart. When I approached Him in adoration, He made it all the more clear to me, and I remembered. Some of the very things I had lost in recent months had been recalled with memories of pain, but God somehow removed those attachments and showed me once again the beauty of Carmel...of family...of friendships...of community...of life...of love. He revealed the richness each of these brought to my soul and reminded me that all was necessary in order to bring me into a deeper state of strength and resilience. So I take the small wooden cross placed in my hands last night by Brother Augustine and reflect on its meaning...for while its weight bears down upon us, its grace sustains us in every step.

THE HEART OF THE PURE
"My own concerns no longer concern me: from now on I must belong entirely to God, and God alone. Never to myself.

Mary sacrificed all, and God alone took the place of all. Following her example, from now on, the Lord alone will be my lot. Why have I come here, if not to love our Lord with all my heart. As a proof of my love for Him, I must follow the example of Mary, suffer and generously sacrifice all to Him. Courage my soul, prayer is all powerful, the heart of Jesus is there, let us knock.

O Divine Jesus, engrave in my heart the love of your cross and let me imitate that love of your cross, like him who said that, if after having served you for a hundred years you would grant him to suffer just one hour for love of you, he would believe all his services well rewarded.

O virtue little known, but how sure!

O Jesus and Mary, grant that all my consolations in this world may be to love you, serve you, and suffer for sinners.

O Jesus, teach me to understand how exclusive is heavenly love. Free, draw, and raise all my affections. May my crucified heart be buried forever in yours, in the mysterious wound opened by the sword.

O Jesus, I would rather die a thousand times than be unfaithful to you.

O Mary Immaculate!... O glorious Saint Joseph, and you Saint John, beloved disciple of the Divine Heart, teach me the great science of love. May I be strongly drawn towards it! That I may take flight and lose myself, be united and hidden in the adorable heart of Jesus, Jesus crucified, source of charity, of purity, of annihilation, and of perfect submission.

Continually dying to myself, peacefully supporting trials, I work, I suffer, and I wish to have no other witness but His heart. He who is not prepared to suffer all for the beloved and do His holy will in all things, is not worthy of the sweet name of friend.

For here on earth, love cannot live without suffering.

It is through loving the cross that we discover His heart, for divine love never lives without loving."
- St. Bernadette Soubirous

"Blessed be God, the Father of Christ Jesus our Lord,
who in Christ has blessed us from heaven with every spiritual blessing.
God chose us in Christ before the creation of the world
to be holy and without sin in His presence.
From eternity He destined us in love
to be His sons and daughters through Christ Jesus,
thus fulfilling His free and generous will.
This goal suited Him:
that his loving-kindness which He granted us in His Beloved
might finally receive all glory and praise.
For in Christ we obtain freedom, sealed by His blood,
and have the forgiveness of sins.
In this appears the greatness of His grace,
which He lavished on us.
In all wisdom and understanding,
God has made known to us His mysterious design,
in accordance with his loving-kindness in Christ.
In Him and under Him God wanted to unite,
when the fullness of time had come,
everything in heaven and on earth." (Eph 1:1-10)

"May the God of Christ Jesus our Lord, the Father of Glory, reveal Himself to you and give you a spirit of wisdom, that you may know Him.
May He enlighten your inner vision, that you may appreciate the things we hope for, since we were called by God.
May you know how great is the inheritancce, the glory, God set apart for His saints; may you understand with what extraordinary power He acts in favor of us who believe." (Eph. 1:17-19)

Ministry

You don't have to wait to be at a certain "level" of spirituality in order to be used by God...He can work through anyone who is willing to give their "yes". Nor does God limit His gifts to a certain personality type or those whose state of life is only directly involved in serving the church as a pastor, priest, nun, or deacon.

This charcoal drawing of Jesus and these paintings are a result of the answer to a call from God to my brother, Albert, who loves to express himself through art. I have always known he was good, but it wasn't until seeing the fruit of his talent bring others closer to Jesus and deeper in prayer did I realize the potential of grace that could flow from a heart out through his hands.

The Fourth Purpose in The Purpose Driven Life speaks of ministry in such a beautiful yet very practical way. Here are some quotes from Rick Warren that elaborate more on what I'm talking about...

"Anytime you use your God-given abilities to help others, you are fulfilling your calling."

"Figure out what you love to do - what God gave you a heart to do - and then do it for His glory."

"Only you can be you."

"God designed each of us so there would be no duplication in the world. No one has the exact same mix of factors that make you unique. That means no one else on earth will ever be able to play the role God has planned for you. If you don't make your unique contribution to the Body of Christ, it won't be made."

"To discover God's will for your life, you should seriously examine what you are good at doing and what you're not good at."

"Whatever you're good at, you should be doing for your church!"

I just finished listening to two talks on cd produced by St. Joseph Radio...one is an interview with Jim Caviezel, who plays Jesus in Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ and the other one was an interview with two Carmelites - Sister Timothy Marie and Sister Genevieve Marie (from Alhambra!) - and Fr. Norbert Wood about their reactions to the movie. It just goes to show that you can do anything you love and have it bring glory to God. Jim offers up his talent for acting, Mel Gibson gives his gift for production and direction, and the religious present God with their insights to share with us from a perspective of ones totally in love with Jesus. Just goes to show that there are many avenues of service and ministry...

All I have to do is look around me and I see this so clearly in the people I encounter every day. Each one brings to God the very gifts and talents instilled within them...doing what they love and are obviously good at. This isn't purposed to bring glory to ourselves, though many times worldly recognition may come from "going public". It is important that in all things we credit Him first. "We are blessed so that we may bless others." I love that statement. Thus we gaze into the heavens and say, "Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to serve you. I don't even deserve to be in your Presence, yet these opportunities to reach people give me the chance to imitate you in the little I can do for you." There is nothing so small and insignificant that is not noticed by Him. We are many parts...we are all one body...and each part is greatly needed. Amen.

Agh! It's midnight...okay, a few minutes past and I should be sleeping...but I have a lot to write down...

Thank you, Lord, for helping us out today...for being in the middle of it all when little things were making us anxious...for giving me the courage to speak to the kids, especially the ones who didn't really want to be there...for giving Glenn the words...we were both nervous. Thank you for giving Jackie her voice back...for the rest of the choir as always...for Emeline who hopped on and took my place to sing...for Robby and Fred who rocked the house as usual...for Jason's 99 on Magic Mic singin' "his song"...for Jay's simple presence...for JF's drum-drum-drummin' and his Valentine's Day humor...for all the kiddos that didn't want to give up the mic (especially Ines and Co. + Mark on "Pretty Woman")...for all of our hard-working parents. Thank you for a very challenging Bible Study discussion on service...then switching the topic back to the preservation of purity and taking a twist towards accountability...for all the shared insights and the deep honesty that came out of it all. Dorothy was right...it's really interesting watching the dynamics of the four guys, each with their own personalities, views and questions. I wish I knew more so I could explain better...particularly in regards to purity issues...but knowledge doesn't really help a whole lot if it's not backed up by experience...that I have some of, so that was all I could really share. It's great to see young men valuing the gift as much as You ask them to. Rare is the breed...though I'm finding that there are more out there than I thought. So suffice to say that not all men are pigs. Actually, I can't remember the last time I saw a guy with a snout (sorry, JF's corny humor is infecting me, agh dang nabbit!)...okay, I think I'm done now.

Good night, dear Jesus... I love You. You're the greatest...really, You are. You know that already, but I thought I'd just tell You because it's something that helps me remember who You are for me. Until the morning...

I decided to do it..."Batteries not Included, Assembly Required"...might as well try it out because after all, it is a new creative avenue and who knows what will come out of it. It's something different...out of the ordinary for me. Jei Franxis and his friend, Arlene, are putting together a theater group called Imagining Reality that's basically centered around getting out the "good message" to high school students...letting them know that there are forms of media and stage performance catering to their needs in a way much varied from what's already out there.

The audition was a favor I did for JF since he's helped me out so much, though I must admit being wary of the time commitment at first. We met yesterday to take a look at the script of the first play and I realized that this is something I've always wanted to do but never followed through with. It's low-pressure because JF's just like that...and I finally get to see the work that would have otherwise been thrown away (I've talked to him time after time about this being-a-writer-and-using-your-gift business...but dang, this means that I'll have to get on with my program now that he started his). They explained their focus and mission to us and I sat well with the fact that God would be in the middle of it all. This one is based on 1Corinthians13 following the ACTS format...I was impressed, as I told JF when he called me afterwards to ask me what I thought...so simple yet straight to the point and very relatable to matters of the heart in anyone's life. It seems manageable, for now. We'll see...

It does help that more people are stepping up to help out with HeavenSent and I'm finding my place now in the ministry...not having to do as much but still giving what I can with what God has given to me. The once-a-month Confirmation talks will be fun...that's more of what I'm comfortable with. In SH, fellowship stuff was always more for people like Em and Jason to handle. For now we're just starting off light with socials to get the kids interested...this is all going to take some time to develop...we can't expect too much to happen so soon. It's good that we have the regular Youth Masses every month...if anything the kids will grow to appreciate that first because that's what it's all about. We have to hold on to Jesus as the driving force behind everything we do and turn to Him in all things, no matter whether the events are spiritual, educational, or social.

Saturday was such a productive day... The Lord of the Rings Retreat was very thought-provoking...Fr. Tim did a wonderful job of relating the struggles of Frodo, the fidelity of Sam, and the Joy of the Fellowship to our own lives as Christians. When Fred walked in, he showed me his "Aragorn" nametag...haha...no coincidence, eh? I choked up during the first talk because I could relate quite closely to everything Fr. Tim was saying about Frodo. During the "Sam" talk, I totally thought of Jenn because it paralleled her personality in so many ways. Saying "yes" to the quest that entails great burden but leads to immense joy...facing the consequences of our decisions, knowing that one simple choice made in either wisdom or folly can affect the future of a multitude of souls...there are more lessons than most people are able to see...I thank God for J.R.R. Tolkien, his love for writing, and his love for God. The most fruit is borne out of a life that is faithful to doing the things he loves...right, Leo? Look at the bookmark...and in your heart...

Continuing on with The Purpose Driven Life...fourth purpose - "You were shaped for serving God"...I have to catch up on my reading...

"We are simply God's servants... Each one of us does that work which the Lord gave Him to do: I planted the seed, Apollo watered the plant, but it was God who made the plant grow." (1Cor 3:5-6)

"...hold on to grace."

"Give me souls, take all the rest."

Wow...what a night! Thank you to Rob and Em for hosting the Bible Study...how funny that the group was made up of leaders from four different communities: Servant's Heart, Love and Faith, Liwanag, and HeavenSent...all serving and sharing...acknowledging our desperate need for Him as our Source of strength. If anything, it was a beautiful arrangement of souls wanting to love Him more in the work He has commisioned for each ministry, and specifically for each life. How awesome was that. Can we do it again soon?

Anthony and Raymond are HILARIOUS...hahahahahahahaha =)

And later I was humbled...so very humbled. The Lord never fails at showing us exactly what we need to change, not because He's trying to spite us but because He loves us so much that He doesn't want anything standing in the way of our relationship with Him...especially the false "truths" we make up for ourselves and many temporal attachments we have such a hard time letting go of. Through a simple invitation, God used Leo to get me to Holy Family in order to teach this lesson to me. It's all about putting Jesus first...where our greatest fear is not losing the things we have or the people in our lives...but that we should fear more than anything in the world losing HIM.

Okay, good night...sweet dreams everyone...I'll see you when I see you...God bless!

Begin

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud wasmore painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anais Nin

Write...write...write. I went to a writing workshop today for St. Paul given by this speaker, Greg Denman. It was very informative and it inspired me to get back into expression. There was a lesson he taught us called "People" which gives us a simple format for lyrical poetry. The instructions are to think of adjectives that describe the way people look. Then you take one of the words and find two other words that rhyme with it, inserting them into the blanks provided on the page. This is what I came up with:

There are happy people,
sappy people,
people-who-feel-crappy people.

Brilliant, eh? hahaha j/k... That's just one verses. I may actually compose a full length poem like he did because it was one of the more fun exercises we had done during the workshop.

Leilani was just here in my room, sitting in my lap and hanging out. I was holding her, realizing that it's those moments I really need to cherish because time does indeed fly by so quickly and she won't be so little anymore. Hey, she said that my room is so pretty..."You cleaned it up?" Ah, yes, she, too, noticed how chaotic it has been since I got so busy. I at least got to put my clothes away and sort out all the papers I have left to grade. Not done yet...but I'm making progress.

Progress...that's the current theme of my life. I'm re-reading this book by Julia Cameron...one of my favorites...called The Right to Write. It has exercises in it to help the reader-called-to-be-a-writer voice on paper (or in this case, computer) what has laid dormant within the soul for so long. I had gone through it a few years ago, but I thought it would be good for me to reflect again on what was and is important. This book was such a great aid for that particular purpose when I was trying to figure out who I really was. So this is my first "Initiation Tool"

...Begin where I am - physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For three pages? Oh goodness, okay. I made an appointment to see Dr. Patel on Monday because I'd been having stomach pains during the last week. They've been bearable most of the time, but my mom seems to think it might be something serious. I meant to see him today, but there weren't any slots available after 4 when I got out of my workshop. Health has been quite up and down for me, but I thank God that I haven't been as sick as I was last school year.

Mrs. Reich asked me the other day if I was still pursuing life in the convent, and I had explained to her that those doors have been closed. It was a difficult part of my faith journey, but it seems that He has other plans for me...plans that I myself am in the process of discovering. Elaine and I were saying that we can't believe it has been a whole year since all of that had taken place. I remember telling Susan that I probably wasn't going to come back to St. Paul the next year because I had put in my application for the Candidacy Program with the Carmelites. Who would have thought, huh? Sister Marina said she saw it in my eyes. Saw what, though? The call? Hmm... I don't know, but nonetheless, the following months were spent asking Him what exactly He was doing. Well, what do you know...He wouldn't tell me.

I wanted to be able to trust Him, but I didn't understand at the time that wanting to learn that kind of a lesson was going to take some practical experience. In retrospect, I see why I went through what I did. I have learned...I believe in...I have experienced...now...I know. Now I feel...good. I'm doing my best to take care of myself...trying to eat when I don't feel like it...because although I love food, sometimes I'm just not hungry or I think about how much it'll hurt later. The naps in the afternoon have been great, and during the past few nights, I've been getting to sleep before midnight. Some time soon, I'll attempt to fit some form of exercise into my schedule since I know that even a little bit will help my energy level. The Sunday morning walks/jogs at Liberty Park with my sisters and BiLs sound appealing, but I just have to get myself up pretty early. I walked into the faculty lounge and saw an announcement on the white board for weekly Tae Bo sessions in Room 1 once a week with everyone...hehe...that sounds fun. =) We'll see...

Last night's Heaven Sent Choir Practice went really well, at least from what I could hear. Glenn and I were planning out our talk for the Confirmation kids this coming Sunday and I was just listening to them play/sing. It was awesome. The singers have so much energy and love for what they do. Fred, Mike, and Robby even came out to help with instruments. Their support has been so valuable to me...to us. I told Dorothy that I think I'll be sitting out in the congregation just feeling it all this time since they're good to go on their own. Side note: As I was walking to my car at Embassy Suites today, I saw this big truck parked in the lot with the words HEAVEN SENT across it...I smiled...aww...yay! Praise God for reminders like that...

Inspiring conversation with Glenn, by the way, after we were done talking about what we needed to do. Brokenness...unworthiness...inadequacy...the image of a glass vase shattered into hundreds of pieces on the ground...Jesus picking up every single piece...we're wondering what He's going to do with it all...how He can possibly salvage anything from the remains of our broken spirits...puts them all into the fire to remelt them and create something even more exquisite than before. That's what He's doing with us...though the fire scorches, it is necessary...there is no other way to restoration.

Already a month into this new year, my heart is filled with such excitement for all the good things God has in store for us. There are so many opportunities to encounter Him just in February alone. I'm going to hang out with SH tonight at Em and Rob's then it's off to Holy Family's First Friday Stations of the Cross. Tomorrow it's the Tolkein Retreat at St. Peter Chanel...I'm still not sure what I'll be doing in the afternoon...Imagining Reality...SCRC Young Adult Core...Fr. Fogarty's birthday...I know I'll have to miss something...is it valid to ask God for the gift of bilocation? haha... Sunday is another Youth Mass at St. Paul and PDL Bible Study afterwards. Next Friday is Jenn's birthday and the KPsiE Founding Mom Dinner...the Called to Faithfulness Conference on the 14th...Lyn-Lyn's birthday on the 16th...Religious Ed Congress the following weekend...the Days of the Lord Retreat the weekend after that...Ash Wednesday on the 25th with the Passion coming out! I need this stuff...I really do. Like I said before, it's time. You'd think I'd go crazy with so many things to do, but these are all events that help bring me purpose and get me back on track.

March will be a lot calmer...I want to take my mom out on one of the weekends so we can have our "day". It was nice going with her to the healing Mass with Fr. Faricy last Friday in West Covina and being out with her for her birthday lunch with Jane and the family on Sunday. I felt bad because I knew that going to the Bereavement Ministry core meetings at SPV would be hard...physically and emotionally...I'm just not ready for that right now even if it was something we had both wanted to do for a long time...so we're finding other things to do together.

I haven't seen some of my friends in the longest time, too. Good update with Cha last night...I miss them...how funny that Angie is her friend! The Chili's night out with Criselle and Eileen was a lot of fun...yes, good times. The Monks as of late have been super busy...I haven't seen them since our Kris Kringle at Macaroni Grill. Cousin Chel and Dre are engaged, finally! I'm really happy for them. She definitely deserves a great guy like him...those two match so well...like Rob and Em...Nol and Eileen...Jaymee and Maurice...Mike and Lyn-Lyn...Jenn and Dave...how cute...aww...I love it. =)

As for me, I'm just enjoying life as it is...finding simple things to be grateful for and appreciating the blessings that God has been so graciously pouring down upon my life. The questions I had been asking during the past year have changed in their nature, but over time, I have come to understand that every prayer...every request...every thought is heard by God and is answered in His own timing with my best interests in mind. I have my family, my friends, my co-teachers, my students, my community, my God. I have a job that I love, new experiences that help stretch my soul, a life that is always full of big and little surprises. If we spend our waking moments thanking Him for everything He's given to us, there is no time to think about all the things we don't have. As a result of this "attitude of gratitude", we are filled with joy multiplied a thousand times over when God decides to add to the blessings that we already have. In my relationships with others and with the Lord, I have always equated the importance of the three words "I love you" with the two words "Thank you". When we have a hard time saying the first, we can always offer the second. Both are always received warmly...

So there you have my first Writing Exercise. Of course there's more, as there always is, but it'll just have to wait. Tomorrow is another day, so I'm going to finish this one off well with God, prayer, community and friendship...it's what makes the world go round. Until next time...

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1Cor.2:9)

Jesus, give me true love which is ever devoted and thankful to You, always trusting in You, even when I do not taste the sweetness of serving You; for there is no living in love without some sorrow. Let me ever remember that whosoever is not ready to suffer all things out of love and to stand resigned to the will of his beloved, is not worthy to be called a true lover. Then direct everything in my life according to Your own dear Will so as to give joy to Your loving Sacred Heart. Use me as You like, call on me for anything You want, for, strengthened by Your grace, I will accept all suffering - even death - for love of You. Amen.
- from So Gentle His Hand by Rev. Lawrence G. Lovasik, SVD

I AM A PARADOX

a sinner made to be a saint

someone's cross and someone's blessing

dying to me, living for Him

suffering joyfully

the walk...hmmm, it's been interesting. it always is. things we face, things we avoid, things we can handle, things we can't. sitting in silence, i begin to pray because right now that's all i can do. it's all i've ever been able to do. He gave me what i needed...He still does. yet sometimes i wonder if walking away would just be better...to be quiet...still... i'm tired of fighting...of resisting...best to leave them be. people's words and actions may hurt us and we don't understand certain attitudes they hold...it's those we love the most that hurt us the most. we do want to try to understand. we want things to be great, and when they're not...at least according to how we expect them to be...we're left disappointed. this is reality...hard to swallow but it's true. each person brings into relationship their own brokenness. it isn't until we're able to accept them with all the scars they carry on their hearts that we'll be able to bring healing into their lives and receive healing from them as well. when we're frustrated with someone, its likely that we're saying deep down, "i can't deal with your insecurities or the pain you've been caused in your past or what you're going through now in your present. i want you to be okay for me because i need you right now." but that really isn't fair to them, as we'd feel utterly rejected if someone had voiced those thoughts to us when our own faults were openly exposed in our weakest moments. the most important thing we need to remember is that we can't change anyone but ourselves. love...hmm...i'm still learning how to give it unconditionally, but by His grace it will be possible someday.

LONGING FOR GOD
"Long to see God, fear losing God, and find joy in whatever leads to God. Do this, and you'll find great peace."- St. Teresa of Avila