Begin

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud wasmore painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anais Nin

Write...write...write. I went to a writing workshop today for St. Paul given by this speaker, Greg Denman. It was very informative and it inspired me to get back into expression. There was a lesson he taught us called "People" which gives us a simple format for lyrical poetry. The instructions are to think of adjectives that describe the way people look. Then you take one of the words and find two other words that rhyme with it, inserting them into the blanks provided on the page. This is what I came up with:

There are happy people,
sappy people,
people-who-feel-crappy people.

Brilliant, eh? hahaha j/k... That's just one verses. I may actually compose a full length poem like he did because it was one of the more fun exercises we had done during the workshop.

Leilani was just here in my room, sitting in my lap and hanging out. I was holding her, realizing that it's those moments I really need to cherish because time does indeed fly by so quickly and she won't be so little anymore. Hey, she said that my room is so pretty..."You cleaned it up?" Ah, yes, she, too, noticed how chaotic it has been since I got so busy. I at least got to put my clothes away and sort out all the papers I have left to grade. Not done yet...but I'm making progress.

Progress...that's the current theme of my life. I'm re-reading this book by Julia Cameron...one of my favorites...called The Right to Write. It has exercises in it to help the reader-called-to-be-a-writer voice on paper (or in this case, computer) what has laid dormant within the soul for so long. I had gone through it a few years ago, but I thought it would be good for me to reflect again on what was and is important. This book was such a great aid for that particular purpose when I was trying to figure out who I really was. So this is my first "Initiation Tool"

...Begin where I am - physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For three pages? Oh goodness, okay. I made an appointment to see Dr. Patel on Monday because I'd been having stomach pains during the last week. They've been bearable most of the time, but my mom seems to think it might be something serious. I meant to see him today, but there weren't any slots available after 4 when I got out of my workshop. Health has been quite up and down for me, but I thank God that I haven't been as sick as I was last school year.

Mrs. Reich asked me the other day if I was still pursuing life in the convent, and I had explained to her that those doors have been closed. It was a difficult part of my faith journey, but it seems that He has other plans for me...plans that I myself am in the process of discovering. Elaine and I were saying that we can't believe it has been a whole year since all of that had taken place. I remember telling Susan that I probably wasn't going to come back to St. Paul the next year because I had put in my application for the Candidacy Program with the Carmelites. Who would have thought, huh? Sister Marina said she saw it in my eyes. Saw what, though? The call? Hmm... I don't know, but nonetheless, the following months were spent asking Him what exactly He was doing. Well, what do you know...He wouldn't tell me.

I wanted to be able to trust Him, but I didn't understand at the time that wanting to learn that kind of a lesson was going to take some practical experience. In retrospect, I see why I went through what I did. I have learned...I believe in...I have experienced...now...I know. Now I feel...good. I'm doing my best to take care of myself...trying to eat when I don't feel like it...because although I love food, sometimes I'm just not hungry or I think about how much it'll hurt later. The naps in the afternoon have been great, and during the past few nights, I've been getting to sleep before midnight. Some time soon, I'll attempt to fit some form of exercise into my schedule since I know that even a little bit will help my energy level. The Sunday morning walks/jogs at Liberty Park with my sisters and BiLs sound appealing, but I just have to get myself up pretty early. I walked into the faculty lounge and saw an announcement on the white board for weekly Tae Bo sessions in Room 1 once a week with everyone...hehe...that sounds fun. =) We'll see...

Last night's Heaven Sent Choir Practice went really well, at least from what I could hear. Glenn and I were planning out our talk for the Confirmation kids this coming Sunday and I was just listening to them play/sing. It was awesome. The singers have so much energy and love for what they do. Fred, Mike, and Robby even came out to help with instruments. Their support has been so valuable to me...to us. I told Dorothy that I think I'll be sitting out in the congregation just feeling it all this time since they're good to go on their own. Side note: As I was walking to my car at Embassy Suites today, I saw this big truck parked in the lot with the words HEAVEN SENT across it...I smiled...aww...yay! Praise God for reminders like that...

Inspiring conversation with Glenn, by the way, after we were done talking about what we needed to do. Brokenness...unworthiness...inadequacy...the image of a glass vase shattered into hundreds of pieces on the ground...Jesus picking up every single piece...we're wondering what He's going to do with it all...how He can possibly salvage anything from the remains of our broken spirits...puts them all into the fire to remelt them and create something even more exquisite than before. That's what He's doing with us...though the fire scorches, it is necessary...there is no other way to restoration.

Already a month into this new year, my heart is filled with such excitement for all the good things God has in store for us. There are so many opportunities to encounter Him just in February alone. I'm going to hang out with SH tonight at Em and Rob's then it's off to Holy Family's First Friday Stations of the Cross. Tomorrow it's the Tolkein Retreat at St. Peter Chanel...I'm still not sure what I'll be doing in the afternoon...Imagining Reality...SCRC Young Adult Core...Fr. Fogarty's birthday...I know I'll have to miss something...is it valid to ask God for the gift of bilocation? haha... Sunday is another Youth Mass at St. Paul and PDL Bible Study afterwards. Next Friday is Jenn's birthday and the KPsiE Founding Mom Dinner...the Called to Faithfulness Conference on the 14th...Lyn-Lyn's birthday on the 16th...Religious Ed Congress the following weekend...the Days of the Lord Retreat the weekend after that...Ash Wednesday on the 25th with the Passion coming out! I need this stuff...I really do. Like I said before, it's time. You'd think I'd go crazy with so many things to do, but these are all events that help bring me purpose and get me back on track.

March will be a lot calmer...I want to take my mom out on one of the weekends so we can have our "day". It was nice going with her to the healing Mass with Fr. Faricy last Friday in West Covina and being out with her for her birthday lunch with Jane and the family on Sunday. I felt bad because I knew that going to the Bereavement Ministry core meetings at SPV would be hard...physically and emotionally...I'm just not ready for that right now even if it was something we had both wanted to do for a long time...so we're finding other things to do together.

I haven't seen some of my friends in the longest time, too. Good update with Cha last night...I miss them...how funny that Angie is her friend! The Chili's night out with Criselle and Eileen was a lot of fun...yes, good times. The Monks as of late have been super busy...I haven't seen them since our Kris Kringle at Macaroni Grill. Cousin Chel and Dre are engaged, finally! I'm really happy for them. She definitely deserves a great guy like him...those two match so well...like Rob and Em...Nol and Eileen...Jaymee and Maurice...Mike and Lyn-Lyn...Jenn and Dave...how cute...aww...I love it. =)

As for me, I'm just enjoying life as it is...finding simple things to be grateful for and appreciating the blessings that God has been so graciously pouring down upon my life. The questions I had been asking during the past year have changed in their nature, but over time, I have come to understand that every prayer...every request...every thought is heard by God and is answered in His own timing with my best interests in mind. I have my family, my friends, my co-teachers, my students, my community, my God. I have a job that I love, new experiences that help stretch my soul, a life that is always full of big and little surprises. If we spend our waking moments thanking Him for everything He's given to us, there is no time to think about all the things we don't have. As a result of this "attitude of gratitude", we are filled with joy multiplied a thousand times over when God decides to add to the blessings that we already have. In my relationships with others and with the Lord, I have always equated the importance of the three words "I love you" with the two words "Thank you". When we have a hard time saying the first, we can always offer the second. Both are always received warmly...

So there you have my first Writing Exercise. Of course there's more, as there always is, but it'll just have to wait. Tomorrow is another day, so I'm going to finish this one off well with God, prayer, community and friendship...it's what makes the world go round. Until next time...

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1Cor.2:9)