The deepest desire of our Church

O God our Father, You promised "I will appoint shepherds for My sheep who will shepherd them so that they need no longer fear and tremble; and none shall be missing."(Jer. 23:4-5). Hear our prayers to call to the sacramental priesthood generous men who will desire nothing more than to serve You in imitation of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, our High Priest.

O Jesus, Good Shepherd, bless all parishes with numerous priests, deacons, men and women religious, consecrated laity and missionaries, according to the needs of the entire world.

Guide the steps of those who have responded generously to Your call and are preparing to receive Holy Orders or to profess the evangelical counsels. And after You call them, we pray that You sustain the doubtful, console the discouraged, and strengthen the weak as they start the long and demanding preparation for the priesthood.

Look with love on so many well-disposed people, young and old, and call them to follow You. To this end we call on the powerful intercession of Mary, mother and model of vocations.Mary, Mother of priests, and example of faithful, humble, and joyful acceptance of God's will, help all those who are called to the priesthood to open their ears and hearts to the gentle call of the Holy Spirit.

Lord Jesus, grant saintly priests to the world, priests who live close to the Eucharist, who have a deep spiritual life, who work and suffer, yet with a joyful heart; priests who dedicate each minute of their lives for the salvation of souls and Your Kingdom.

In Your Holy Name we pray. Amen.

Waking up from the dark night

"No devotion to the saints is more acceptable and more proper than if you strive to express their virtues." - Erasmus, Dutch scholar

Faith and Fortitude

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

Advent is above all the "sacrament" of the Presence of God in the world and in time in his Incarnate Word, in his kingdon, above all his presence in our own lives as our Savior... Three reasons for our misery and helplessness:

• We are deceived in our judgments of good and evil
• Our attempts to do good fail, lead to nothing
• We do not succeed in our efforts to resist evil

The presence of Christ in us overcomes these obstacles. By faith he dwells in our heart and shows us how to judge between good and evil. He cannot deceive nor be deceived. He is the wisdom of God, always ready to teach us. Yet in order to have his light. we must use the grace he gives us to turn to him in our difficulties. By fortitude he strengthens our weakness, so that we can do all things in him. He never grows tired, for he is the power of God, ever ready to revive us and lift us up. But we must call upon him for help in our batttles. Finally, he "stands for" us, he resists within us. If he be for us, who can be against us?

The secret of spiritual fortitude is for us to abandon ourselves to Christ, the power of God, and then he himself will overcome evil and deliver us from forces that we would never be capable of resisting by ourselves. This is the fortitude of faith.

Christ lives in the world in those who take him for their light, their strength and their protection. It is for them that he came into the world in his Incarnation.

"It's okay, Mommy. It's okay."

There is no pain greater than losing a child. It doesn't matter how young or old the child was, or whether you ever got to see him or hold her. He was still your baby. She was still your child.

I knew there was life growing inside of me even before the test read Pregnant. And somehow I knew when that same life had gone, leaving me with an immense feeling of sadness I had never known before. I tried to stay hopeful, but I knew. We wouldn't get to meet our baby in July. Our reunion would have to wait until the eternal someday.

Last night, the worst had passed. However, the events of the day unfolded before I even opened my eyes. It began with a dream - we were holding a baby boy, who looked much like my nephew Jacob...but after sometime I realized it was our baby boy, and I felt so complete with Gary and my son. We were together - so happy and peaceful, enjoying each other's company just as any other family would.

Then I awoke to the symptoms I had been hearing of...facing the fear I dreaded the most...trying to prepare myself for something I felt would inevitably come. Gary and I had talked about it. We even gave the disclaimer when we shared the good news that there would be risk. But as much as you try to prepare, you really can't. It still hurt. It still broke my heart, and it broke his, too.

At least we got a picture. Our doctor was able to find the baby in the ultrasound this time, but he warned us that I was probably already in the beginning stages of a miscarriage. He gave us a copy of the scan as a memento of our baby, and he said that we would look back at this time five years from now and be grateful for the support we gave each other through such a difficult circumstance.

We struggled with the painful emotions of loss throughout the day, trying to come to grips with the reality of it all. I cried. Gary cried. Our family had been crying tears for us, knowing what it felt like to also lose little ones. It came to the point where I didn't think my heart could feel more emptier. I couldn't help but be sad, even if I tried to be strong. Nothing anyone could say or do would bring the baby back to life, and it felt like this feeling would never go away. My insides were screaming so loudly but all I could do was cry, until I heard his voice.

"It's okay, Mommy. It's okay. Don't worry, Mommy. Everything will be all right."

His little soul spoke to mine because God knew that it was his voice I needed to hear at my deepest point of despair. The sobbing calmed as Gary and Leilani held me close, and I told them that the baby was talking to me.

It was then that we named him "Little Gary".

Our baby helped me through the emotional and spiritual pain so that I would be able to endure the physical pain that would soon follow just an hour later. For an hour and a half, I waited and prayed through the whole ordeal under the care of my family and the specialized coaching of my sister Emeline. Everything she said would happen did. I don't know what I would have done without them all.

After it was all over, Gary and I sat with each other on the hallway floor and thanked God that it was done. As hard as it was, the whole day couldn't have gone more smoothly, considering. And we attribute it to the mercy and love of God poured upon us through the prayers of our family and friends who have lifted us up every day since they found out about the pregnancy.

I realized last weekend as I sat at the funeral Mass of Audrey, Damian, Elise, and Gianna, that life is so temporary. There's nothing about it that we can control. In the homily, the priest said that sometimes you find a rose that buds but never blooms, as so it is also in the garden of souls. We never understand why a life doesn’t get to run its full course but we can only trust in the grace that God has given for that life to live at all.

I had long looked for roses as signs throughout my faith journey, and it comforted me to hear Father use St. Therese's expression of the "garden of souls". It was on that Saturday that my heart was enlightened to know...

Our baby - Little Gary - is our rose.

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

- Courtesy of Fr. Fernando

Father Cantalamessa on Holiness

Pontifical Household Preacher on All Saints' Day

ROME, OCT. 31, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Here is a translation of a commentary by the Pontifical Household preacher, Capuchin Father Raniero Cantalamessa, on the readings from the feast of All Saints.

* * *

Holiness Is Not a Luxury ...
Revelation 7:2-4,9-14; John 3:1-3; Matthew 5:1-12a

The saints the liturgy celebrates on this solemnity are not only those canonized by the Church and mentioned in our calendars. They are all those who are saved and form the heavenly Jerusalem. Speaking of the saints, St. Bernard said: "Let us not be slow in imitating those we are happy to celebrate." It is, therefore, the ideal occasion to reflect on the "universal call of all Christians to holiness."

The first thing to do in speaking about holiness is to free the word from the fear it inspires, due to some mistaken representations that we make of it. Holiness can entail extraordinary phenomena, but it is not identified with them. If all are called to holiness it is because, properly understood, it is within everyone's reach, it is part of the normality of the Christian life.

God is the "only Holy One" and "the source of all holiness." When one attempts to see how man enters into the sphere of God's holiness and what it means to be holy, the ritualistic idea in the Old Testament immediately prevails in one's mind.

The means of God's holiness are objects, places, rites and prescriptions. Heard, it is true, especially in the prophets and the Psalms, are different voices, exquisitely moral, but voices that remain isolated. In Jesus' time, the idea still prevailed among the Pharisees that holiness and justice consist in ritual purity and scrupulous observance of the law.

Looking at the New Testament, we see profound changes. Holiness does not reside in the hands, but in the heart; it is not decided outside but within man, and it is summarized in charity.

The mediators of God's holiness are no longer places (the Temple of Jerusalem or the Mountain of the Beatitudes), rites, objects or laws, but a person, Jesus Christ. In Jesus Christ is the very holiness of God that comes to us in person, not in a distant reverberation of his. He is "the Holy One of God" (John 6:69).

We come into contact with Christ's holiness in two ways, and it is communicated to us: by appropriation and by imitation. Holiness is above all a gift, grace. Given that we belong to Christ more than to ourselves, having been "purchased at great price," it follows from this, inversely, that the holiness of Christ belongs to us more than our own holiness. It is what gives flight to the spiritual life.

Paul teaches how this "audacious blow" is given when he states solemnly that he does not want to be found with a righteousness of his own, or holiness based on observance of the law, but only with that which is through faith in Christ (Philippians 3:5-10). Christ, he says, has made himself "our righteousness and sanctification and redemption" (1 Corinthians 1:30). He is "for us": therefore, for all intents and purposes, we can claim his holiness as our own.

Along with this fundamental means of the faith and the sacraments, imitation must also have a place, that is, personal effort and good works. Not as a separate and different means, but as the only appropriate means to manifest the faith, translating it into act.

When Paul writes: "For this is the will of God, your sanctification," it is clear that he understands precisely this holiness which is the fruit of personal commitment. He adds, in fact, as though to explain in what the sanctification he is talking about consists: "that you abstain from immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor" (1 Thessalonians 4:3-9).

"There is but one sadness in the world, and it is not to be saints," said Leon Bloy, and Mother Teresa was right when a journalist asked her point-blank how she felt being acclaimed as being holy around the world, and she answered: "Holiness is not a luxury; it is a necessity."

The name of Mary on their lips

As a missionary, Father Louis De Montfort found himself in a boat going up the River Seine packed with at least 200 people, who were joking coarsely and singing lustful songs. Hardly had he spent a few moments in the company of these shady horse dealers and fishmongers, when Father De Montfort adjusted his crucifix to the end of his walking stick. He then prostrated himself on the floor of the boat and exclaimed, "May those who love Jesus Christ join me in prayer."

His companions shrugged their shoulders and sniggered at this invitation. So, turning to Brother Nicholas, the Saint ordered, "On your knees and we shall recite our Rosary!" Under an avalanche of gibes, the two men, their heads bared and their faces solemn, recited the Ave Marias. After the first Rosary, the priest stood up and in a soft voice again invited the assistance to join him in prayer. Nobody moved, but the booing calmed down as the prayers began. After the invocation "Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners" had been repeated several times, the face of De Montfort was transfigured.

When the next Rosary had been completed, there was such earnest supplication in the expression on the Saint's face, and his voice had taken on such sweetness and authority that, when he entreated his companions to recite a third Rosary with him, everyone fell on their knees and repeated the sweet words, which they had forgotten since childhood. The holy priest could only be delighted: from a brothel of obscenities he had made a Marian shrine. On lips accustomed to saying blasphemies, he had brought back the name of Mary.


Taken from the Marian Collection 1975


Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you! Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Hear Mass daily; it will prosper the whole day. All your duties will be performed the better for it, and your soul will be stronger to bear its daily cross. The Mass is the most holy act of religion; you can do nothing that can give greater glory to God or be more profitable for your soul than to hear Mass both frequently and devoutly. It is the favorite devotion of the saints.
– St. Peter Julian Eymard

It's in your weakest moments that you often don't realize how great you really are.

Don't fight the beauty...the love...the hope...the faith...the God who lies within you.

Pray. Always.

"We are at Jesus' disposal. If he wants you to be sick in bed, if he wants you to proclaim His work in the street, if he wants you to clean the toilets all day, that's all right, everything is all right. We must say, 'I belong to you. You can do whatever you like.' And this is our strength, and this is the joy of the Lord."
– Bl. Teresa of Calcutta

Until next time

The door that welcomed me...


The heart who served with me...


The sisters who inspired me...


Never knowing what to expect but always expecting to find Him there.

100% commitment.

+BiL

I miss blogging

Now that I'm out in Culver City, I don't really get to see anyone or talk to them that much. The visits home are becoming less frequent and everyone's lives are so busy that it's hard to find time to even catch up on the phone. Mommy called me last week because she hadn't heard from me in a while...I think she was a little worried. First month out of the house was hard, but it's so easy for me to get caught up with work and let it distract me. And of course there are days when the tears start welling up in my eyes because I'm having "Leilani withdrawals". =)

At the same time, I'm growing to really like the change.

I like how my days are so simple. While I was still on vacation, I would hang out at the apartment just getting settled in...driving to Buena Park a few times a week...meeting Gary back home for dinner and walking to Mass everyday at 5:30. I love how we live so close to a church. It's something I always wanted. Being that we can't live on Juan St. In Hawaiian Gardens, this is the next best thing for now. Then we'll have dinner and hang out, get ready for bed, pray and go to sleep.

This past week was pretty hectic because we started faculty meetings at St. Jerome on Monday and school on Wednesday. Honestly, I was really nervous and a little overwhelmed because I forgot how much there is to do as a Junior High Catholic school teacher, but after the first day I remembered how much I loved it. I have 37 seventh graders, plus the 6th and 8th graders for Religion. Going from one section of 10 freshmen at Verb to a class size that big was a little scary for me since I haven't been in that kind of classroom environment for three years, but once I learned all their names, it was great.

I'm excited.

It might take me some time to get a routine down because I can't be working 10-11 hours every day for the rest of the school year. Once I've built my curriculum, though, it should get better. These upcoming weeks will be the real challenge when we're going for full days. Please pray that my energy stays up...

All in all, I'm happy.

I wonder about how my boys are doing at Verb, though. And I miss chatting with Jana and Brandi and Br. Rich whenever they would come to visit the Student Life Center. Michael sent me an email the other day...it made me smile. They all just have their special way of tugging at your heart strings. Amazing how just a few years at that school had made such a big difference to me.

I feel so blessed that I want to cry. Gary's deep sense of appreciation is rubbing off on me because he's said that before, too.

God brought all the pieces together just like He said He would.

At the Days Retreat last weekend while talking to Pia, I discovered all that I had been searching for during my own retreat was given to me so generously wrapped in the love of God. For all the hurt that my heart was experiencing and the weakness my body had to endure...for all the anxiety and uncertainty I couldn't seem to shake...He had filled me to overflowing with the grace of truly understanding "Basta Ikaw". Three and a half years later, I knelt there in front of Him so grateful for the consolation I had received through the many people who have been part of my walk...most of whom were present on the day that I would seal my commitment with Gary to God.

Tito Raol said it best: "Now there are two of you, not only one." It sounds like such a simple statement but I knew exactly what he meant by it. I'm strengthened and sanctified by him, more so in the realization that there is so much we can do together. Granted that there will be times when physically he cannot be with me, nor I with him, it is this love that has helped me open my heart to the world again.

Lourdes coral grotto at St. Michael's, Kona, HI

So nice to be back...

...in the Disco
...in the classroom
...at home with my family.

I'd spent most of my life trying to find a place where I belonged. This past week I realized that everything about where I'm at and who I'm with feels so incredibly "right". Like this is how it was all planned out.

And it was.

A few years ago when I had so many questions about my future, people would tell me, "Maybe God's doing something really special for you. He's got something exciting waiting for you...someone who will love you...a life filled with joy...a vocation to do something great. Maybe He'll let you do it all...everything you've always wanted to do."

I didn't understand back then.

Now it couldn't be more clear.

My life has changed so much during the past few months, but somehow - strangely enough - much of it has stayed the same.

I love being married. It comes with a lot of adjustments, especially for me...but it's true, there is a lot of grace in the Sacrament. I can't say too much about it right now, except that I'm so glad God gave me the courage to trust Him. It's been a beautiful journey with Gary so far. We have our challenges, like everyone does, but God really helps us get past them and learn from what we experience together.

So tonight I say thank you, and I pray for the continuous gratitude that will keep our relationship strong.

Is this somebody else's movie?

We're still in the very surreal state...

Exactly 14 more hours to go.

It's like we're getting ready for some other person's event. Watching a movie...feeling like you're there with the character...in the character's shoes...feeling what they feel...thinking what they think...seeing what they see...but it's not you.

That's what this feels like.

My mom was laughing because she said two years ago we didn't even know each other.

Now look at us. =)

I cried in Mass today because Leilani was praying next to me. It was another cleansing. Confession helped a lot. So did seeing everybody's smiling faces at the rehearsal. They're all so happy for us. This is absolutely amazing.

Favorite sight of the night: Elijah being super-excited to walk down the aisle. He was so ready to go!

And Leilani wrote on her whiteboard: VERY 100% HAPPY. That's how excited she is about the wedding, too, she said. She drew a picture of herself under it with pigtails, just like she'll have it in the wedding.

I need to stop. There are people I need to talk to. Slowly, B.anne. Just take it all in...

Go to sleep...

I know, I know. I'm caught up doing little things that I shouldn't put off because they'll keep me up tomorrow and Friday. Might as well make the sacrifice now, I figured.

Everytime I find myself dragging my feet through something, especially if it has something to do with the wedding planning, I always find myself saying inside, "This is for Gary. I want this to be special because he's that special to me."

The spirit of "Basta Ikaw"...it never really leaves you.

Once a Dazer, always a Dazer. Though I'm still kind of a newbie, I really appreciate how it's becoming more integrated into my life. It helps that Gary had gone through the retreat as well because since his batch, I seem to be reminded even more than ever before of the love Kuya Jess has for me and everyone else in this world.

Fourth Day frustrations aren't so bad anymore.

Things come up that could be potential "mountains made out of molehills" but it feels like - especially recently - that He's carrying me through those moments.

Three more days.

I promised to give myself permission to feel. Too distracted because I've been so busy. I want to feel something about all of this...moving out...giving my life to my husband-to-be...seeing friends and family praying with us during Mass...embarking on a new adventure...spending two weeks in Hawaii. There's so much going on and, like I keep saying, I don't want it to just pass me by.

Dear Lord, if there was a way you could slow things down a bit, that would be great...just like you did the night he gave me the letter and the day he proposed...just like you have when we've taken a whole afternoon to ourselves just to hang out and talk.

I want to be able to remember and experience every moment.

The dreams - are they done yet? Can they be? I think I'm done. They've taken so much of my energy...I want to be able to give all my attention to where it belongs...to you and to him alone...that's all.

Thank you, Lord. It's all behind me now.

Good night...............

You're all smiles

The Purity Christ Gave to the Leper

Purity penetrates into the innermost recesses of the soul, dissolving the scum of egoism, the accumulations of wrong desires, the mixture of fear, suspicion, and baseness which prejudices had formed in us in spite of ourselves. Purity passes through them, and out beyond. For the pure in heart the world has no murky depths; they penetrate through to the well-spirng of life...

From them there is no difference between appearance and reality. What they show us is the perfection of their nature, in all its poise and equilibrium, a perfection which indeed renders it invisible, like God, water, light, and virtue.

The opposite of purity is anxiety, which unfailingly creates a division in the soul; but purity abolishes all strife between the soul and herself. A pure soul is at all times everything that she is. Purity is the quality of the child who freely shows us his inner self, before the process of repression and distortion has set in...

The perfection of purity is precisely that instead of seeking to protect itself by keeping apart from the world, it proves its strength and efficacy by passing through all uncleanness in the world without receiving any taint, but rather leaving in its midst its own radiance. Even hostility becomes a new source of strength, a trial which is never long absent.

- Loius Lavelle, prominent Christian philosopher

*****************************

Dearest Lord,

Please purify me to the very depths so that I may see you and hear you and recognize your presence in everything and everyone around me.

My soul is so thristy for your grace...my heart hungry for your love...my mind longing for your truth...with all that I am, I seek your face and reach for your hand to lift me up from the ground where I kneel at your feet.

It's your peace that I need, the serenity I have missed, the great joy in loving you that I desire again for the sake of my life with you.

I die many deaths and rise as many times as I strive to overcome my self and live for you alone. It can be so difficult, Lord, to remember why I am here, but it has been through the enlightenment of your Spirit that I have been able to realize how much I miss you.

Yet you have been here all of these years, waiting for me to come back...to start searching again for meaning and purpose...to understand that I can be loved by you and those who also want to love me.

So for every temptation I face that threatens to draw me away from you or harm the relationships that you have given me, I pray for the strength to battle with the great weapon of love. I want not only to turn away from sin and selfishness, but to choose what is good and holy.

I am a week away from being inaugurated into a new ministry, where the demands are much and the pressures more than taxing.

But it is more than just a ministry...it is a Sacrament...a vocation...a calling from God.

I told myself that I didn't want to be a leader anymore because of the warfare and the exhaustion that comes with being on the front line.

Marriage, however, is more serious than any organization I have ever been a part of. Being a wife and mother (God willing) is much more important than any position I have ever held in my life. I say this because Gary and I will be joining the millions of men and women in the world who have answered this call and chosen this vocation for themselves.

The challenge presented to us in these times is to restore the dignity of this noble relationship...this covenant that society has debased to a legal contract.

And for us, it all is determined by how much I love him...how much he loves me...how much we are willing to sacrifice for each other in this lifetime...and how much we will strive for heaven as our ultimate destination.

I've been thinking about him all day, and praying for your grace, Lord, to stay sensitive to his needs and serve him well. Please help me always remember that he is your gift to me. He is your love made physically real, the salve to my wounded heart, the melody to the song I had forgotten how to sing.

We will soon be joined as one to give glory to you through our union together. May we and all married couples keep the fire of your love burning bright in our lives, so that the reality and essence of marriage will be made the standard again in this world.



Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.

Amen.

A celebration of life

There is LOTS to celebrate among my family and friends these days.

Nephew #1 - Jacob Ryan Moya (a.k.a. "babalooksi"), son of Robby and Emeline
Nephew #2 - Noah King, son of cousins Maurice and Jaymee
Nephew #3 - Joshua Bryan Padilla, son of cousins Ryan and Amabelle

Recent engagement - Michael and my sister Roselynn...wedding date January 6, 2006!

Jenn should also be having her baby soon. Noreen, too!

It was some years ago when I was more comfortable at funerals than I was at weddings and baby arrivals. I'm glad things are turning around, event-wise.

So the realization I'm taking into our wedding is that we're really grateful for the opportunity to open it up to everyone. Because of the way it is set up, anyone who wants to come can come. It's not to show off because there isn't anything showy about the wedding, by any means. There aren't even going to be flowers at the altar. Only the arrangement that is normally in front of Mama Mary. I guess I just wanted the church to look as much as it does when I walk into it to go to Mass...the way it had looked everyday when I sought Him out, wanting to know that He was there for me...that He was there for us.

The more I imagine the day, July 8th - two weeks and two days from now - it will be more of a celebration of life.

A new beginning.

A day of gratitude for everyone who has been part of our faith and part of our lives.

Because it took a lot to get where we are.

I'm not talking about financial or professional success.

I'm talking about spiritual and emotional growth.

And every person that we could think of who contributed to that in each or both of us was invited to share that day with us.

If you think about it, the only time that people get together for you like this is when you die. They hear that you passed away and anyone who ever knew you and was a significant part of your life suddenly return to give your family condolences. It's a very bittersweet reunion.

I am so incredibly familiar with it because I remember meeting some of my dad's friends again after years of distance...seeing relatives who I've only met as a child. And I'll never forget about the phone call from one of his friends, in particular, who cried to me because he couldn't believe my dad was gone. I didn't even know who this man was. Reflecting back, I really wish I did.

Of course not everyone will be able to make it to the wedding, but we do know that we have their prayers on that day. Masses will be said...and petitions will be lifted up in different parts of the state, and in the country...even on a plane heading for New York. These people will be doing for us what they've been doing all along...praying us through the journey that God is taking us on.

It's different, I know, and everyone who gets married will hopefully be able to make their day special in their own way. The most important thing, though, is that the couple standing there committing themselves to each other understand what it is that they're doing. Because if you think about it, the details are for us. The vows are for each other. The "yes" is for God.

You're right, Gary. We can't be any more ready than this.

Can't wait. =)

A reason for everything

So many people don't understand why we are the way we are...but then so many more actually do.

He changed. I changed. However we changed just made us a good fit. It made sense to us to then make decisions that reflected who we were as a couple.

Especially about the wedding.

No reception. No time, no energy, and not a whole lot of money. Our resources didn't seem to be working for us...but we've been blessed in other ways.

Our focus then became the Mass and the preparation for the marriage.

Reading The Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples. Answering questions. Meeting with Tita Lira for four months. Praying. The day retreat at St. Linus. Opening up. Natural Family Planning. Being doubted by some, and encouraged by others. Fertility counseling...doctors appointments. More blood tests, more vitamins, more hope that maybe we can actually have a family. And definitely more trust in God.

Lots of conversations.

I met his family in San Francisco for the first time last month. They're a lot like mine. Saw where he lived and went to school, and I listened to the stories as we drove around the City. Finally his life was more real to me because I was there where it all happened.

Where - hundreds of miles away - God was molding him for me.

Just for me.

But then not really just for me.

Gary was sent into my life so he could help other people I knew. Finding Summer and Allan's engagement song...giving Esperanza a chance to talk to my mom and Fr. Kevin again...restoring the faith my girlfriends had in the opposite sex...proving that chivalry really was very much alive.

Very few people know how much this man has changed my perspective of the world.

Tito Tom was right when he said today that I disappeared. Maybe it seems that way to those who saw me often...who knew how available I made myself to be to them.

But little do they realize that in so many ways, I've come back.

The smile has returned, and so has the laughter. The willingness to love. The belief in goodness, most especially God's goodness.

So even if I'm not around as much, I'm still very much alive and praying for everyone like I've never prayed before.

...because that's all I can do.

When I can't walk, I get scared. And then I try to remember to offer it up for those who need the grace somehow. It's temporary. Each time it gets a little easier because I'm familiar with the symptoms and I know I'll be okay after a few days.

Then later on someday when it doesn't get better, I know that I will have people offering up their sufferings for me, too. I know that because some already do.

That is true generosity to me.

All we wanted was to keep life simple, and this is what has come of it.

So, no - maybe some will never see our reasons behind who we are and what we do. Maybe even we will never really see His reasons behind why He is directing us this way. But at least we will continue on together with peace in our hearts and in our relationship.

We're going to Engaged Enounter this weekend. Please pray that we'll be open to more of the lessons God has in store for us.

Riding on a cloud of prayers...that's how this is all working. It would not be possible without Him.

Praised be our God. Amen.

Things aren't always what they seem

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...

"God does not require great achievements but a heart that holds back nothing for self."
– St. Rose Philippine Duchesne

Loving the things of Heaven

...though it isn't my life's purpose to remove myself from the world when He calls me to stay active in it.

Four years ago I wanted to join the convent because I'd get to spend my entire day praying, dressed in a habit that would constantly remind me of who I belonged to, working actively for the Kingdom.

Would it have been easier?

I'll never know.

Living as a lay person does have its challenges. We're more prone to being attached to people and to things...to the experiences that we cherish and everything we get to do. But most people are called to remain in mainstream society, and those like us who choose to follow Christ - we're here to bring the grace found in churches, convents, and monasteries out into the world.

Praise God that I'm remembering this now.

As I was singing tonight, my heart was so at peace that I was ready to leave this life and be with God. But there's so much more to what I perceive as His plan.

Leilani just walked in my room to give me a hug good night.

We're all here for each other...for as long as He allows us to be...to show each other His love...to help each other grow in virtue...to inspire each other to be holy.

The minor irritations of daily life must not turn into catastrophic tragedies. It's not worth walking around angry or bitter or hurt. People will fail us. Things will go wrong. Life isn't fair.

But God is.

He loves us all the same...wanting us to wake up and realize what He put us here for.

I'm running away from the emptiness of my own sin into the Father's arms of mercy. I'm tired of being lukewarm. I'm tired of compromising my beliefs and His truth for the sake of political correctness. I want to serve with the passion of the Saints and live not just one, but ALL of the Beatitudes. I need to be broken down...humbled enough to know how great God really is.

My mom returned to me a vial of blessed oil.

Remember when we used to lay hands on each other and pray for healing of body and spirit? Remember when we would spend hours talking about the miracles God was working in our lives? About the conversions that were happening within and around us? Remember when we had such fervor to learn and to serve...to give and to receive the blessings He had waiting for us? Do you remember the nights in silent adoration...seeking His presence because we believed He was there waiting for us to come to Him?

I remember.

Some of the people I experienced all of this with are still here in my life to some extent. There are also friends who joined the journey a little later on and some more recently. A few I don't see or talk to anymore, but I think they remember, too.

I think we all remember, at least once in a while, that we were all made for Heaven.

A couple of years ago, this thought made me sad. It seemed like much of what we had together was lost because we weren't together anymore. Yet somehow I still have hope...not so much for a restoration of past relationships but a revival in our relationships with God. It will be different from what they once were, of course, since we're older now and have gone through a lot personally.

But He doesn't ever stop calling us back to Him.

My "yes" today is not the same "yes" it was when I was 21. As the years go by, it's more sacrificial as I come to understand more and more what my "yes" is going to cost me. It still, however, is worth the reward of love and mercy, joy and eternal life that Jesus holds out to me every day. It's a discovery that we all embark upon when we open our hearts and our minds up to the gifts and the grace that He offers us.

Things have changed, but I'm not as sad about them as I used to be.

Why?

Because there's always HOPE and there's always GOD.

Someday we'll get there...just not yet. We've still got a lot of work to do.

It's late and my nose itches

I don't go on AIM anymore so I don't have the sleep police telling me to sign off...hahaha...those were the days. But yes, I should really get my rest because my fatigue sets in when I'm sleep-deprived. Well, that would make sense, wouldn't it?

Actually, Gary is my sleep police now, but he can't do much when he's not living with me yet. I'm naturally a night owl. Work forces me to get up early and getting up early forces me to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. But during vacation, I'm usually up until 1:30 or something in the morning. And after taking a 2 1/2 hour nap because of an all-day migraine, I'm more awake than I need to be right now.

I could call him but he's an early bird so I would feel bad keeping him up. What are we going to do when we get married? He'll have to make me go to bed early. I really shouldn't be up this late. White cell count is low. Red cell count is low. Some other stuff is low...maybe that's why I'm so tired. But ANA came out negative again. Lupus is such a strange disease.

Great conversations with Lyn-Lyn and Mommy today. I was reminded of a lot about faith...about relationships...about priorities and the importance of prayer. I'm really glad Mommy came to Mass with me tonight. We were praying for the same people. And Fr. Ed gave a great homily - as he always does - about the Beatitudes. He said to go home and read Matthew 5:1-12 because God would point out which Beatitude He wants us to live out. I already knew. It's the same one He's asked me to live out for four years. Praise God that yesterday at the LifeTeen Mass He gave me the grace to recommit myself again.

The Beatitudes are the window to the heart of Christ, he said. Then I remembered - brave, loyal, and loving. His heart...I wanted His heart.

Funny how certain circumstances can make you wake up to the "sleepy areas" of your life...or even to give you some indication of being kind of on the right track or the wrong track. Saturday night...I was afraid that it would be my scene again, too. But I knew right away, just standing in line, that it wasn't. I went, however, with a purpose and it all turned out just like I thought it would. What I really, truly appreciated were the friends who came out for me. Almost all of them said, "I don't normally go out like this to places like this, but I'm doing this for you...anything for Marianne." I was so touched because they were doing for me what I was doing for him.

Uncoincedentally (since God's providence always seems to work things out according to what challenges we'll face), my homepage had been posting paragraphs from the Cathechism talking about scandal. We are responsible for the souls of other people. By no means should we lead them to sin, for those who are teachers of the Word are more accountable to God for their actions. I prayed that it wasn't what I was doing because this was the most compromising solution we could come up with. I didn't want to lead anyone astray, but at the same time, I needed the support...the familiar faces...to make it through the night. I was grateful for the post-party reflection and conversation with my brother and sister, knowing that our lifestyles are different from what they were almost ten years ago. It helped so much that my brother Albert stayed with me until the very end because for as long as I can remember, he's been my after-hours security blanket. And Leo - what a hard-core friend/brother you also are...going through all that just to be there with us. We made it out all right, with many a lesson learned and more insight than we expected to come out with.

For some reason, I needed to revisit the past briefly to understand how important it is for me to stay focused...on God, on Gary, on my family, and on the friends who help keep me faithful. So, yes, a lot of good came out of it all, I must say. To realize that I didn't want to lose what has taken me years to gain by the grace of God.

I do beg you, Holy Spirit, for the strength to persevere and keep swimming against the current. For as Fr. Ed carefully noted, when you follow the first seven Beatitudes, you have the reward of the eighth: "Blessed are you, when people insult you and persecute you and speak all kinds of evil against you because you are my followers. Be glad and joyful, for a great reward is kept for you in God. This is how this people persecuted the prophets who lived before you."

To smile through the pain. I beg for the grace. Every day of my life until I die, I want to be able to endure whatever comes. Amen.

"You are the light of the world. A city built on a mountain cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and covers it; instead it is put on a lampstand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way your light must shine before others, so that they may see the good you do and praise your Father in heaven." (Mt 5:14-16)

One More Month

Baccalaureate and Graduation are over...the year is finally finished...and life goes on for all of us. Sad but excited at the same time. I've loved my experience at Verb, as challenging as it was at times. It's the people, the work, the place, the community, and the life-giving spirituality of the Word made flesh...all of it has stretched my soul in a way that nothing in this world ever could. I have wanted it to work somehow where I could stay, and God is keeping a crack in the door open for me...at least to help out a little where I can.

When that school becomes a part of you, it's hard to let go.

I know eventually I'll have to, especially when I start having children of my own, but until the Freshman class becomes seniors I'll give what I can...just so they know that I haven't left them completely.

Most of what I feel, though, is relief that I can rest - kinda - this summer. Between moving out of the Student Life Center and creating my space in the 7th grade classroom at St. Jerome, I'll be spending the next few weeks slowly getting my belongings together at home and bringing it all over to Culver City. There is lots to do...but what I'm really looking forward to is the vacation with Gary...or rather the whole lifetime ahead of us.

I know it's been all that I've talked about / thought about / wrote about recently, but considering that in exactly one month I'll be promising myself to him for the rest of my life, this is a pretty big deal.

So maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase, as they call it. Or maybe we'll stay this way for a while. I just find it comforting that even big decisions or potential challenges that come up seem to work themselves out without much of a problem. It has to be the grace of God. When I find myself worried or stressed about something, it helps so much that we lift it up and surrender the situation to God and trust that He'll take care of it. It amazes me the most to look back and realize that many of the solutions have been Gary's ideas - or what he calls "inspirations" - that always seem to offer the simple solutions we'd been waiting on.

Some people just need a second chance to be everything that He made them to be. Put them in the perfect conditions to grow and they bear abundant fruit...much more than they ever thought they were capable of.

That's my fiance.

I'm going to miss calling him my fiance. Being engaged has been wonderful...but then of course, marriage is the real deal. The joy multiplies and so does the love. Just think - ten years from now...twenty years from now...and God willing, thirty years from now, we'll look at each other and say that we love each other more than we did on our wedding day.

That's why we need to keep working at this relationship, and why we're going to need His guidance along the way.

Praise God for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Perhaps I do not fully understand or appreciate all that it entails, but that's the beauty of discovering that with your spouse as the years go by. We're more ready now than we've ever been, thanks to the prayers and the counsel of others who have had the privilege of living out this very special vocation.

Here we go.............in His name. Amen, Lord, amen.

Wedding Bells

I'm really glad that we stuck to the plan.

When we got engaged in August of last year, I wasn't sure what would be ahead of us. But here we are, one month away from the big day and I'm so amazed at how God has guided every moment of it all.

People ask me all the time how the wedding plans are coming along. I don't have much of a reaction other than saying that not having to put a reception together really does take a load off your shoulders. We've been really flexible with everything in regards to the wedding day - not knowing where exactly the Mass would be (tent or church), not knowing if members of our wedding party would be able to make it because of expected babies (yay, more kiddos!) and having proxies jump in a few weeks before, not knowing how family members would react to our decision to break through the social norm of having a big party afterwards.

Taking a step back and seeing the big picture, it really does reflect who we are as a couple. Other people have their preferences and circumstances - which we're able to appreciate as well when we attend their weddings - but it's great to say that we were able to offer this day to God the way that He wants us to.

What I have really enjoyed is the preparation we've been taking for our marriage. Lots of great conversations about the important issues in the married life...challenges that we might face...blessings that await us...knowing that He will be there every step of the way to carry us through the rest of our lives together.

It is exciting, and it helps that so many people are praying for us. To ask for prayer doesn't mean that we're worried about our relationship. To ask for prayer means that we know how much we need God's grace to sustain and nurture this Sacrament. From what I've learned after reading books, talking to married couples, and working things out with Gary each day, I'm realizing more and more how humbling it is to unite yourself to another person. It's not about you anymore and the things that you want for yourself. It's about opening yourself up to a person that God has sent into your life to teach you how to love and sacrifice for.

I'm so thankful that He gave me another chance at giving my heart away again because it helped me remember how imperfect my own love is without His. This relationship has taught me what it means to seek His will in everything we do and every decision we make. It has blessed me with lessons I can pass on to my own children about the seriousness of marriage and the maturity required to even think about committing yourself to someone for the long term.

And being at Jacob's baptism yesterday, seeing Robby and Emeline offer their child to God and His church, made me realize that how we live our lives as single people...how we handle ourselves in our courtships...how we give to each other in marriage...it all affects how we raise our children and how our children will then go on to live out their vocations when they grow into adulthood.

At our meeting last Monday, Fr. Ed said that maybe we might just have a child that becomes a priest someday. That would be absolutely wonderful. But if we are blessed with children, I just pray that they will grow up to love God and trust Him...to want to live in His will and work for His kingdom whether it's in the single, married or religious life.

Only God knows what the future holds....

Flow

I should be taking a nap right now, but it's too hot in my room to sleep. So I'm taking up another form of rest for me.........writing.

I used to write a lot. Stories. Plays. Some poems. A lot of journal entries. Just spilling out my soul. I figured no one could really appreciate my writing except me, so I didn't bother sharing much of it with anyone. When I'd take a risk and offer my writing for others to read, sometimes it would be received well. Sometimes it wouldn't.

I think that's why I really like reading other people's writing, especially when it's writing by people I know...because I know how scary it can be to put your heart on paper and leave it open to criticism or praise...both of which can be difficult to receive.

Haven't been writing lately. I've been busy. Like I haven't been praying as much as I used to. But I've recently found that I don't even have to set aside hours at a time to talk with God. I can actually have brief conversations with him throughout my day...as if He was a friend walking with me at any given moment.

Really, that's what He is.

Maybe when I'm pressed for time, I can try to translate this kind of flexibility to my writing. My friend Cecille journals on anything she can find...scraps of paper, napkins, pieces of cloth...and sometimes they're not even expressed in words.

Could I be growing in a new direction?

It's a little strange that I'm not as sensitive to what others think of my writing anymore. Perhaps it's because I'm getting more and more comfortable with who I am. If they read it, they read it. If they learn something, great. If they don't, maybe the lesson was just for me. No big deal.

At the heart of it all, however, this is a huge part of who I am. When I don't write, I get overwhelmed...more easily stressed out...unable to express my thoughts verbally because I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen to what's going on in my head. So I just get all cluttered inside. Kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

I said earlier that maybe someday I could burn my journals. Where that came from, I couldn't even tell you. I could just be on this rampage of clearing out my life...but that would be erasing myself...or a very significant part of my journey completely.

Who would read them anyway?

I would.

I want to go back and revisit the days when I would contemplate my life's purpose...when I'd ask myself what in the world I was doing here...when I'd wonder if any sense could be made out of the emotional and spiritual experiences that I couldn't understand.

This blog here is even a remnant of the ashes. The sad thing is that it was easier to just click "Delete blog" than it was to go to the beach and start a bonfire. This site...it has been my attempt to come back. The others were filled with memories of so many people...gone.

Slowly but surely, I'm salvaging my past and hunting for the good that came out of the past four years.

Buried treasure, waiting for me to find.

In time...

Surrender

I had to give it all up to Him because I didn't know who else to turn to. Even the strongest people in your life will not be able to support you all the time. They're human, too. Very human at best.

So I let it go. It was hard to experience...the questioning...the anxiety...the lies that were being poured into me. The spiritual battle that seems more difficult now. In the past, my companions and I would balance each other out, in the sense that one would be there to help carry the other. This time it's total dependence on God because we both struggle at the same time just as intensely as the other.

Few times have I gone through attacks like that but they seem to come more frequently when something really great is about to happen.

And I'm praying that something great is happening right now.

It's almost 10:00...First Visit. Please help him surrender, Kuya Jess.

So aware of our limitations. Challenges coming from people who care...who are curious...who are just plain concerned.

Are you sure this is the one, Gary? But she's sick. Are you ready, Marianne? Are you really ready?

I am sick. I've actually been sick. Not at my worst but bad enough that it's getting so hard to take care of so many things at the same time. Can't get a whole lot done when it feels like a hammer is being pounded into your head or when you try to get out of bed and your legs somehow aren't cooperating very well.

Whatever happened to my understanding of redemptive suffering?

I get down on myself because I don't think I can do a whole lot of good like this...that maybe I'm not good enough to marry this man who wants to love me so much.

But you know what? There is a greater good to all of this. There has to be.

And at this very moment, someone I know who is very close to my heart needs my prayers and the grace that can come to her through the physical, spiritual and emotional pain I can offer up...just so that she can be okay...just so that she can have peace and know everything is in the hands of God.

I can do some good for a little soul not even a day old by believing that he is being held in the palm of the Father's hand...that his birth and the trials that are coming with it are giving his parents the strength of saints. The strength that allows them to put their hope in what He alone can do to keep him alive.

Yes, great things are happening because people are praying. We are learning to surrender everything to Him...everything we have...everything we are...having faith that we are going to witness miracles this weekend.

So many more miracles than we could have ever imagined.

What it means to believe

My kids ask me every year - "What if we're making all this effort to follow the commandments and going to church, and we die and find out that there's no heaven?"

And I tell them - "Well, if there really isn't a heaven, at least you lived your life every day believing in it. That way, you kind of helped this world become a reflection of what heaven would have been like."

We get really philosophical...which is good and bad at the same time.

But nevertheless, it's all part of the faith journey.

You never really have faith if you don't have the opportunity to question it. You can be obedient...but that's not an owned faith. That stage of obedience is where it all begins...you trust in the one who tells you what to do and what to believe because you think that they are telling you the truth. You think that they sincerely are looking out for the best interests of your soul.

One day, however, the choice becomes your own. You reach the point where you're no longer doing or believing for the sake of somebody else. You make a choice to do or to believe because you want to...because you've come to the conclusion at the end of your search that what they were telling you really was true. You realize that after all this time, you've at last fallen in love with what you have chosen to put your faith in.

At times, it seems like a lonely road to tread. No one really understands where you've been...why you think the way you do or act the way you act. They don't get why you feel the way you feel about certain things because there has not been one person who has followed you throughout your entire life experience and experienced it with you.

Except Jesus.

He knows why you question, why you doubt, and why you fear. He knows what makes you stumble and what gives you the strength to get back up. He knows how hard it is...how painful it is...how humiliating it can be to subject yourself to living in this world.

Then all of a sudden, the road isn't so lonely anymore.

I wish I had as much patience with myself as He has with me. He stops to wait when I get tired. He dries my tears when I feel like giving up. He even absorbs my frustration when I get lost and don't know where I'm going.

Dear Kuya Jess, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you can love us so much to sacrifice as much as you did, just so we could be cleansed of our sins. I don't know how you put up with our weaknesses and keep taking us back no matter how many times we've turned our backs on you.

All I know is that you do.

I don't have your heart but I want your love.

And then you show me what your heart looks like...and you say that the pierced and wounded heart you have is the only kind of heart that will hold the kind of love you give.

Pierced and wounded.

"The pain never goes away, Marianne."

I can hear Dominic's voice loud and clear.

I think I remember what that was like. I can't get married and start a family if I've completely lost sight of that. I can't call myself a Christian if I've forgotten what that means.

Blessed are the poor in spirit...
Blessed are those who mourn...
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are the peacemakers...
Blessed are the pure in heart...
Blessed are those who are persecuted for My sake...

I was going to write on a completely different topic but I don't even remember what it was. Maybe I just wanted to remind myself that I do believe in Heaven...and maybe I'm praying that I'll see a piece of it this weekend.

Basta Ikaw, Lord.

A Gift of Love - The legacy we hope to offer future generations

"Teach me, my Lord, to be sweet and gentle in all events of life - in disappointments, in the thoughtlessness of those I trusted, in the unfaithfulness of those whom I relied on. Let me put myself aside to think of the happiness of others, to hide my little pains and heartaches so that I may be the only one to suffer from them. Teach me to profit from the suffering that comes across my path. Let me use it, that it may make me patient, not irritable; that it may make me broad in forgiveness, not narrow, haughty or overbearing. May no one be less good by having come within my influence, no one less pure, less true, less kind, less noble for having been a fellow traveler in our journey toward eternal life. As we go our rounds from one destruction to another, let us whisper from time to time a word of love and thanks to you. May our lives be lived in the supernatural - full of powerful good and strong in its purpose of sanctity. Amen."
(from Jubilaeum 2000 album)

Family Life

SAINT OF THE DAY
St. Gianna Molla (1922-1962)
Gianna was a physician and surgeon who frequently worked with mothers, babies, the elderly, and the poor. While pregnant, she was diagnosed with a cyst, and her surgeon recommended an abortion in order to save Gianna's life; she refused and died a week after childbirth.

"O Jesus, I promise You to submit myself to all that You permit to befall me, make me only know Your Will."
– St. Gianna Molla

******************************

I said I would choose the life of my child over my own...even if the baby was not born yet...that child is still alive.

At this stage in my life, I'm not longer making decisions for myself. That sounds so strange because it may seem that I have been and always will be bound to another person's welfare. As a child, I obeyed (most of the time) and listened to what my parents told me to do...for my own good. Now that I'm almost 30, everything I do is purposed for the good of someone else.

These days, it's either for my fiance and for the children that God may bless us with. They even have to come before my job, my students, my immediate family, and my ministry work. This is what it means to grow up...to leave the life you had lived as a young person and take responsibility for the commitments you have made.

I'm getting married in two months...moving out of my house away from my family for the first time. In almost four months I'll be starting a new job in a new community...allowing my identiy to evolve as it is influenced by even more people and experiences.

All because I've been trying my best to be faithful to a calling that has sounded like more of a quiet whisper in my heart...leading me to a place for a reason I cannot clearly see.

The questions seem to have squatted into a corner of my mind, making their home amidst even the confirmations. I occassionally find myself asking in all respects, "Am I making the right decision?"

It broke my heart to tell the KAIROS leaders that I will not be at Verb next year. Painful for me and for them, as they made it very apparent by their concern. Yet somehow I know it's time...somehow I know that we'll make this work because I'm not completely walking away.

That community is too close to my heart.

It's surprising how two years can change you like that...but after getting to know these kids, it's not surprising at all.

Dear Jesus, please carry me through the sadness and give me the joy that will bring me peace. Amen.

The Right to Write

A book I read a while back. I think I need to revisit that one.

My brother handed me a screenwriting DVD this morning. That was a sign of his faith, and I found it extremely touching. He draws and paints and sculpts and films and plays all kinds of instruments. I sing and dance and write...and I kinda play the ukulele.

We're artists.

At this moment, however, I think I've been in hibernation for a while.

There's been a disconnect - I was telling Brandi yesterday - between me and my story. It's funny that I should say that because I'm asked to tell it over and over again. Maybe it's because I've felt that I've owned the rights to my story...maybe it's because I haven't given much credit to the God who actually authored the whole thing in the first place. Maybe it's like Brandi said...we have to find joy in telling His story first and realize how He truly is our "precious Lord".

And so the thread continues to weave through each day of my life.

Jana and her blogs - all in one day - sparked a flame within me. But it wasn't all in one day because she is who she is after 24 years of being Jana. So even if I've only known her for two years and read two months worth of entries, her whole life is helping to change mine because we're the same...yet different. It isn't, though, like she's actively doing something for me. She's making a difference simply by being faithful to who she is. I know that, and that's what inspires me.

It's something that an old friend asked of me once upon a time.

"I just need you to be you."

And then all of a sudden I couldn't be.

But now three years later, it's something that I can't run away from anymore. It hurts too much to hide from myself.

This journey that I'm on...my own personal journey is about DISCOVERY. It's a time for me to get to know God - Father, Son and Spirit - in a new way...with the heart of a child and the maturity of an adult. It's a time for me to get know myself...to accept this woman I see in the mirror with everything she is and ever has been. It's a time for me to get to know the world and the people living in it...to first try to understand who they are, where they've been, and where they dream of going.

It's a time to embrace the characters, the plots and the settings...to be challenged by the conflicts and to find hope in the resolutions.

I'd like a happy ending...not just for me but for everyone I know. It's that idealism again. Granted that life comes with suffering, it hit me tonight that I'd been camping out on Calvary long after the tomb had been emptied.

We are an Easter people. The greatest witness is to believe in the Resurrection...to have hearts full of joy...to be just like Jesus. If we were otherwise, we couldn't call ourselves Christians.

Thank you, Lord. =) Thank you for this day...for my friends...for prayer meeting tonight...for the ride home with Lyn-lyn and the resolution not to wait anymore for "something" to happen to get us going again.

There isn't any bigger "something" than You dying for our sins and rising again, only to give us the miracle of Your Presence here in this world when we receive You in the Eucharist.

Time to get up, my friends. Praise God!

There are no shortcuts...

...if where you're going is worth something. - Mother Dolores

The pain will always be there. No matter how old you get, it doesn't go away. You just have to accept it. - Dominic

It's always darkest right before dawn. - Mariette

God has given you a gift. He might not be calling you back to the front lines, but when it's time to use it, He'll let you know. - Dominic

Your deepest wounds integrated become your greatest treasures. - Mariette

This is who I am. I'm an adult now...and I need to be able to freely make my own decisions. - Marianne

You're okay, Marianne. You really are. - Gary

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What a day. That's all I have to say...

Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery – the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the "material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones." Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children. By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them. (CCC #2223)

Walk by faith, not by sight

In His public ministry, Jesus impacted only a localized geographical area in Palestine. In His risen ministry, miles of territory, locked doors, and death are no longer barriers to Him. The risen Jesus has no obstacles except our doubts (see Jn 20:25; Mt 28:17, RNAB). The Eucharist challenges us to recognize Jesus as He really is. It's a risen Sacrament. Our eyes see bread and wine. But we "come to know Him in the breaking of bread" (Lk 24:35).
- excerpt from One Bread, One Body

"He loves, He hopes, He waits. If He came down on our altars on certain days only, some sinner, on being moved to repentance, might have to look for Him, and not finding Him, might have to wait. Our Lord prefers to wait Himself for the sinner for years rather than keep him waiting one instant."
– St. Peter Julian Eymard

Alleluia!

Now I know why it hurts...

One Bread, One Body - Reflection for April 15, 2006

DID YOU MISS ME?

"I opened to my Lover – but my Lover had departed, gone. I sought Him but I did not find Him; I called to Him but He did not answer me." –Song of Songs 5:6

On this Holy Saturday, there is no Mass, no eucharistic presence in the tabernacles of our Churches, no eucharistic readings proclaimed for the world to hear. Jesus our Life (Jn 14:6; 11:25) has fallen to the ground and died (Jn 12:24). He has been buried in the tomb, and we who are baptized into Him have also been buried with Him (see Rm 6:4). We are deprived of His special eucharistic presence until tonight's Easter Vigil.

Many might say, "So what's the big deal? Just wait until tonight or tomorrow and you'll get your Jesus back as usual." They would be speaking pragmatic words, but love isn't pragmatic or practical. The toddler cries when its beloved mother leaves the room. The lover in the Song of Songs passage above searches all night long for her missing Lover. We who are living our Baptisms to the full are so joined to Jesus that we miss Him terribly when we are deprived of His presence. When we have centered our lives on the Mass, we miss His presence in the Eucharist so much because we love Him so much.

Do you miss the eucharistic Jesus today? Do you even know He is missing? If not, today is your chance to grow in love. Ask the Holy Spirit to pour out the love of God in your heart (Rm 5:5). If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then may Jesus' absence today make your hearts overflow with love for Him.

PRAYER:
"As the hind longs for the running waters, so my soul longs for You, O God. Athirst is my soul for God, the living God. When shall I go and behold the face of God?" (Ps 42:2-3)

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There was a reason, and this is it. I didn't know why I was feeling so empty, so alone yesterday - but here is the answer. It just makes me realize how very closely tied I am to Him...bound like a handmaid to her Master...a call for commitment like nothing else I have ever known.

He's trying to keep me close, but it's up to me to fully choose Him. I can't continue to pretend to be something I'm not...living like I used to live, acting how I used to act, thinking how I used to think. It's different now. It has been for the last 7 years. Everytime I'd take a few steps back into the world I had left or played with the idea of selfishly serving myself, I would feel this same pain in my heart...like He was gone...not because He left me but because I was the one who walked away from Him.

It's something I know not many people will understand, but that shouldn't keep me from walking this path. This will always be a test of faithfulness. He has to have all of me...all of my heart...all of what I do...all the time.

All for your glory, Lord. To live for anything else would be living in vain.

+AMDG+

Saint of the Day - Bl. Cesar de Bus

Bl. Cesar de Bus (1544-1607)
A wild youth, Cesar had complete conversion when he passed a church on the way to a party and saw a small light illuminating a picture of the Virgin Mary. After he was ordained, he founded a religious order and became a great catechist. St. Francis de Sales called him "a star of the first magnitude in the firmament of Catechesis."

"I was so beside myself and fired with such a longing to do something in imitation of him, that I would not give my eyes sleep or my days rest until I had given some beginning to this resolution of mine."
-Blessed Cesar de Bus, writing about Saint Charles Borromeo

All I've got

IN CHRIST ALONE
Brian Littrell

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone
Is Christ alone

The only thing is that whatever is going to bring me back doesn't seem like it's going to be something I have tried already. Whatever that "magic key" is, it's going to show up someday. Or will it?

Maybe it's simply a matter of me persevering in my prayer. Maybe every night before I go to sleep and every morning that I wake up, I need to pray for the grace to recognize Him in my day...to be able to hear his voice and see His face...to fall in love with Him again.

And maybe if I pray hard enough and I pray long enough, God will grant me His peace and allow me to experience His presence. But maybe not...

I wonder if this is just part of my journey, where I'm being molded and placed on a steeper path that will only strengthen me along the way. Maybe it isn't about the flowers anymore or the sweet consolations I used to receive so frequently.

Maybe this desert I'm walking in is the place where I will finally learn to cling to Him alone.

This isn't about me and a somebody else. It's about me and my God. Because there was a once upon a time that even amidst so many responsibilities, so many friendships, amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life, I somehow managed to make time for Jesus.

I talked about Him all the time. I wrote about Him every night. And throughout my days, I would thank Him for every "little" blessing He gave to remind me of the reality of Heaven.

It was a great relationship.

Now that I'm older and seven or so years have passed since my spiritual rebirth - or conversion experience, if you will - I notice that at times it becomes very routine. The life has gone out of my faith, at least from what I remember it to be.

Once upon a time.

I've never stopped praying...
I've never stopped going to Mass...
I've always been faithful to the Rosary...

...but my prayers are not filled with the confidence they used to have.
...but being in Mass and receiving Jesus in Holy Communion has become a thing to do instead of an encounter with God.
...but Mama Mary has taken her place in the back of my heart where I tend to forget how much she prays for me and for the rest of the world each and every day.

Someday.

Today, though, I just have to pay attention to the little things. God is trying to leave me with a lesson every day, so I need to live with that kind of awareness. It's easy to get caught up in all the things that don't matter in the end.

This might be the last of it......................and I can't predict what He'll tell me or show me along that way. With whatever happens, it's sure to be interesting.

Good nite!

The wood of the Cross

"If God causes you to suffer much, it is a sign that He has great designs for you, and that He certainly intends to make you a saint. And if you wish to become a great saint, entreat Him yourself to give you much opportunity for suffering; for there is no wood better to kindle the fire of holy love than the wood of the cross, which Christ used for His own great sacrifice of boundless charity."
– St. Ignatius of Loyola

Today...was just one of those days...when I look back and wonder what happened to all that time. When I remember the kinds of questions I would ask myself, while I'd roll with the punches of life...taking things as they come and contemplating all the possibilities in front of me.

With experience comes wisdom, and it's something that I've been very grateful for...with all of the great and wonderful things that have been presented to me over the years...along with all of the moments when I could have pulled my hair out trying to figure out what the heck was going on around me.

Highlights of the last 24 hours:

• talking to Jana about reacting with good humor to what normally would freak us out
• having Darren check my "pre-wedding temperature"...nice to know he's been watching out since the very beginning
• trying not to be sad about leaving when I realize more and more what has made me want to stay
• being excited at the same time for the transitions to come
• Christian stopping by the office just to say hi...and having to break the news
• the "stealth-bomber" conversation about what nurtures one's soul, knowing for two years where your heart has always really been
• feeding Jacob for the first time
• watching the productive juices flow at the HFYA meeting
• feeding Jacob for the second time
• believing as I share with others that God has a plan...though we might not understand it, it's always best to trust it

Thank you, Gary, for calling me. Now my day is complete. =)

Commitment

"Six days before Passover Jesus came to Bethany, the village of Lazarus whom Jesus had raised from the dead." –John 12:1

One Bread, One Body - Reflection for April 10, 2006

Apathy killed Jesus Christ. The Jewish leaders were jealous (Mt 27:18) and Pilate was afraid (Jn 19:8). However, they would not have been able to put Jesus to death except for the thousands of people who didn't show up for the crucifixion. They didn't want Jesus dead or alive. They didn't care. Apathy permitted Hitler to kill six million Jews, and Planned Parenthood to kill many more millions of babies. Apathy lets thousands die each day of starvation, and billions live each day without knowing Jesus.

During this Holy Week, the Lord wants to change apathy to empathy. The word "a-pathy" means "no suffering," while "em-pathy" means "in suffering." Jesus will change our selfishness that avoids people and their sufferings into love that actually suffers with others. "If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it" (1 Cor 12:26).

Mary of Bethany is the perfect model of empathy. She threw herself and her perfume at the feet of Jesus and dried His feet with her hair (Jn 12:3). She was willing to share in suffering because she was in love with Jesus. On the other hand, Judas is the example of apathy. He was more concerned about self and money than people (Jn 12:5-6).

From Presentation Ministries, a lay association of the Catholic Church that focuses on evangelization and discipleship through Bible teaching, daily Mass, the charisms of the Holy Spirit, and Small Christian Community

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"I'm in the ring with you."

Those were words Nelden left with me when he had visited Gary for Thanksgiving and spent the day with our family. I'll never forget them.

I've been asking myself what it means to be committed to Jesus, to my family, to my friends, to my relationship with my husband-to-be, to my Church, and to the people I serve. This statement came to me as the answer.

It's about being involved. Experiencing as best as you can with those who God puts into your life...putting yourself in their shoes...and better yet, walking beside them as you share your life with them and they share their life with you.

Granted that I cannot be with everyone everywhere all the time, I can at least be more present to who I am with, while I am with them. When they are happy, I want to share in their joy. When they are hurting, I want to share in their pain. That's what it means to connect. That's what it means to love your neighbor as Jesus has loved us.

For far too long I have held people at arm's length - even those I love the most - because I was afraid...afraid of getting involved, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of losing something. As I near the end of my twenties, I realize that most of this past decade of my life has been lived with my guard up. No one has really known me - at least not the free-spirited me - and sometimes I even wonder if that person will ever come out.

Soon, I think. The more I reflect on who I am, the more I can feel all the pieces coming together...and it's no longer an aching in my heart as much as it is an anticipated burst of life waiting to come out again, without the hesitancy I'd known before.

This past week especially has been a time of rediscovery - spurts here and there, to say the least. Maybe it began with the Labyrinth walk...perhaps it was the opening up that nudged me to take a good look at myself and admit how much growing I still need to do. It could have been Mass this morning at SPC when I teared the moment I noticed Fr. John's red vestments in memorial of the beginning of the Passion of Jesus...or when I watched Br. Jeremy cleaning the communion vessels, thanking God for faithful souls like him who boldly answer the call to holiness. Maybe it was the challenge my brother posed to me on the phone when we were talking about potential publishing projects - "...and what about you?" Or maybe it was the time I have spent clearing out my room...getting rid of what I cannot hold on to, acknowledging all of the people and things and experiences that have made me who I am today.

There's so much I still "don't get" about life...my life, in particular...but I don't know that anyone in this world has the clarity that I'm seeking. We just have to try our best with what we've got and trust that God is there guiding us each step of the way.

Who knows what's going to happen at this point. There will be joy, there will be suffering. There will be gain and there will be loss. But all shall be well because there will always be God.

Amen.

The journey of an actress turned nun

Dolores Hart (born Dolores Hicks on October 20, 1938 in Chicago, Illinois) is an American Roman Catholic nun and former actress.

Dolores Hicks was the only child of a Catholic actor Bert Hicks, and his wife, who, despite the religious implications, separated and ultimately divorced. Hart was also the niece of singer Mario Lanza. It was actually her grandfather, a movie theater projectionist to whom she turned for comfort in light of her parents' marital problems, whose enthusiasm for films influenced her decision to pursue an acting career. At the age of nine she had a bit part in the film Forever Amber, which was finally released in 1947 following a long battle between the movie's producers and the Catholic censors of the day.

Loving You. Much in demand, she made two more films before playing with Presley again in 1958's King Creole. She has denied ever having had an 'intimate' relationship with Presley offscreen. Hart then debuted on Broadway, winning a 1959 Theatre World Award as well as a Tony Award nomination for Best Featured Actress for her role in The Pleasure of His Company.

In 1960, Hart starred in Where the Boys Are, a teenage comedy about college students on spring break which developed a near cult-like following. She went on to star in four more films, her last opposite Hugh O'Brian in 1963's Come Fly with Me. At this point she had made up her mind to leave the film industry, and after breaking off her engagement to a Los Angeles businessman, the twenty-five-year old actress became a Roman Catholic nun at the Benedictine Abbey of Regina Laudis in Bethlehem, Connecticut, ultimately becoming the Prioress of the Convent. She chants in Latin eight times a day.

Prioress of the Abbey, but has in recent years become the only nun to be an Oscar-voting member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Filmography
Come Fly with Me (1963) .... Donna Stuart
Lisa (1962) .... Lisa Held
Sail a Crooked Ship (1961) .... Elinor Harrison
Francis of Assisi (1961) .... Clare
Where the Boys Are (1960) .... Merritt Andrews
The Plunderers (1960) .... Ellie Walters
King Creole (1958) .... Nellie
Lonelyhearts (1958) .... Justy Sargent
Wild Is the Wind (1957) .... Angie
Loving You (1957) .... Susan Jessup
Forever Amber (1947) (uncredited) .... Child

Contact
Rev. Mother Dolores Hart, O.S.B., Prioress, Abbey of Regina Laudis, 273 Flanders Road, Bethlehem, CT 06751 USA

Papal preacher condemns spiritual "half-measures"

Vatican, Apr. 07 (CWNews.com) - Catholics must not take "half-measures" in their spiritual lives, the preacher to the pontifical household said in a Lenten meditation on April 7.

Continuing his series of Friday sermons in the Redemptoris Mater chapel, Father Raniero Cantalamessa said that in the souls of many Christians, Christ is not imprisoned, but "free on parole." The Capuchin preacher explained that many believers allow Christ to "move, but within certain defined limits."

Christians, the papal preacher said, tend to place restrictions on what they think God can require of them. He outlined a typical Christian's commitment:

Prayer, yes; but not to the point of losing sleep or rest…
Obedience, yes; but not to the detriment of our own convenience.
Chastity, yes; but not to the point of depriving ourselves of some entertaining spectacle…

Such a collection of "half-measures," Father Cantalamessa said, is evidence of a superficial faith. A deeper faith, he said, acknowledges the reality of Christ's suffering and one's own role in causing it.

"I am Judas who betrayed Him, Peter who renounced Him, the crowd that cried out against Him," the preacher said. "Each time I have preferred my satisfaction, my comfort, my honor to that of Christ, that is what has happened."

Superficial Christianity, the preacher continued, reflects the "hardness of heart" that the Gospels mention: "the refusal to submit to God, to love Him with all one's heart, to obey his law."

"If a man wants to be always in God's company, he must pray regularly and read regularly. When we pray, we talk to God; when we read, God talks to us."
– St. Isidore of Seville

Walking the path

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Releasing and letting go. Following but offering only my life, apart from anyone else's. Yielding, accepting, giving others their space. Tired though I was, much of my energy was spent paying attention to the presence of those around me...somehow I had to be connected...somehow I had a difficult time focusing on just me.

At the end of it all, I could only know that I had finished my journey. I could only pray that those who were still walking their own paths would come to realize the truths God had in store for them. I could only long for the rest in His embrace...and I hoped that at the end of my life I could at last experience the peace of Heaven.

I had stopped looking for answers. I had come to give Him this walk...to let Him lead me...to let Him love me...and I had the hands to hold me as His response to many a question I had asked years ago.

Now I understood what I never could before. His ways are not our ways...nor His thoughts our thoughts. But God always wins out with the best solution...the best plan...the best gifts to give us when we open our hands long enough to surrender everything that keeps us from receiving.