Sorry to all those who have been checking my blog to see if I'd be back! Just flew in from Maui this morning - a little tired but I feel GREAT! I meant to post a blog about my trip to Florida but it got erased...boooooo! So I suppose I'll have to give you the highlights of both. I might have to continue later because I need to unpack and get some sleep...

PURPOSE OF THE FLORIDA TRIP:
To have Leilani meet Mother Angelica, the foundress of EWTN - the largest Catholic TV network in the world. She and my mom watch her on TV all the time and my mom promised her that she'd get to visit her at her house. When my mom makes promises, they always get fulfilled somehow...mostly I think because of her faith. I don't quite know if she actually thought we'd really end up getting to meet her, but deep in her heart, she must have believed it was possible.

HOW THIS ALL CAME TO PASS:
God hears Mommy's prayers once again! She called Auntie Vicky (my lola's sister) in Florida asking her when was the best time visit Mother Angelica, and we end up booking a flight on the spot during the phone call for Corpus Christi weekend (we are SO spontaneous, I LOVE it!). Auntie Vicky knew people from her parish in Palm Coast who were making a pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament and Our Lady of the Angels Monastery (Mother Angelica's house!) in Hanceville, Alabama. She said we'd drive up with them and spend a few days there for the Corpus Christi celebration.

Well, it just so happens that Tita Lud, one of the ladies who we went with, knew the two Filipina nurses of Mother Angelica - Tita Nellie and Tita Nel. They are both retired nurses who moved down to Alabama from Michigan wanting to volunteer somehow at the Shrine. That was the hook-up. Talk about God's Providence. We had a private audience with Mother in the parlor for about an hour. Leilani couldn't believe it...she was so shocked that she didn't even talk even though she had practiced what she was going to say to Mother when she came out. =)

THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS EXPERIENCE MADE ON ME:
Words cannot explain, but I will try for the sake of you, the reader.

The night before, Mommy and I had spent an hour in the Holy of Holies with the Blessed Sacrament at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church (Auntie Vicky's church around the corner from her house). I didn't care that we were tired from the flight and that it was late at night. I knew I just needed to be there with Jesus. We talked again with each other for the first time in a long time...I mean, really talked...and I really listened. At that point, I dedicated the whole week to Him and told Him that it was all in His hands.

Saturday morning Mass at the Shrine in and of itself was the first treasure I was given on this trip. I followed my brother in through the side door of the chapel and gasped in amazement. I can't even begin to describe the wondrous beauty of the altar and the 8-foot monstrance that stood high above it. The whole place commanded reverence. Throughout the Mass, I felt the healing within me take place, and I was finally able to rest in His arms. This is who I am...being here with YOU, Jesus. So far away from home, I felt so at home because My Lord was there before me, as though He'd been waiting for me to come all this time. Peace...I felt so at peace.

After Mass, Auntie Vicky pulls me aside and tells me that I need to write down all my qualifications so that I can put in an application for the monastery there. She said that she believed this was the reason for us coming to Hanceville. Mother Angelica is very understanding, she told me, and God may want you here. You can only imagine what kinds of thoughts and feelings were being stirred up inside of me - I was completely overwhelmed by it all that I started to cry. My heart had been wanting to rest somewhere...anywhere...for so long, and if this was really where I would find solace, then I didn't want to say no. God was opening up the door again to show me something. What that was, I hadn't a clue yet.

Still I couldn't help but be scared. Even if this was the community of my second choice after the Carmelites in Alhambra...even if they were Poor Clares who spent their days and their nights in perpetual adoration of the Blessed Sacrament...I was afraid that if I gave my yes again, God would allow me more suffering. I feared that He'd open the door just to shut it again, leaving me and many of those who supported me very disappointed. However, Fr. Ed's words rang in my ears all weekend: "Fear does not come from the Good Spirit, Marianne. God does not put it in your heart."

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you, was my prayer. How could I not trust in Him? He was obedient to the Father's Will out of love for the sake of many. I knew I had to offer back the same resignation...for it would be my continued sacrifice of thanksgiving for all the blessings He had given me throughout my life. Mother Angelica's message to me as she held my hand and looked into my tear-filled eyes was to "trust in God and pray...pray...pray..." That's all I needed to hear.

After reading her biography, I realized that suffering is part of who I am in Christ. Interior joy is the other part. If I can accept both, then I am a whole person. My journey has been quite interesting, to say the least, but I'm more at peace with where I'm at. There is no doubt that both orders will be integral to my life...however, for now, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be...with my family, with my friends, with my students and co-teachers at St. Paul.

From the outside, I may seem confused to others who haven't followed my story, but I'm okay with that. As long as I'm happy...as long as I'm serving from the heart...as long as I'm right with the Lord, that's all that really matters...at least that's what I've been told by those who know much better than me. For at the end of my life, I will be standing alone in front of the judgement seat with no one to answer to but God. Whose standards am I going to follow according to what is willed for me?

Some push me towards the religious life because it has always been viewed as the better path...by some, it is seen as the safer place for me. Others can't wait to see who I'll end up married to. I, personally, don't want to look that far ahead. For tomorrow has not yet come, nor is it ever guaranteed to us. All I have is today - this moment - and I can sincerely thank God for it because it - yes, this moment - is wonderful.