Holding my hand

He's moving me along. The prompting in my heart to pursue the nagging desire led me to a place I never knew existed. And somehow it just fits.

By no means am I running away from anything. It's a bittersweet feeling to have to leave people you have shared so much with...to leave places that have come to mean so much. Everywhere I've ever been has somehow been "home" to me. Everyone I've ever met has somehow become "family".

But maybe somehow in my walking away and going towards, in my taking with me and my letting go, I am in some way embracing the world and learning more this way than I ever could before.

How I have wished I could have kept certain friends and lived closer to certain family members over the years. I've longed for the lazy days of hanging out with the girls and going to movies. I've missed the Sunday morning talks on my bed with my sisters. And my kids...how I've wanted to see them grow up...to know how they would be inspired over the years...to be there for the special landmark moments, especially when they'd be looking for answers in regards to their faith. Prayer meetings and Kappa meetings, PCN practices and music min practices. All memories of times I know I'll never have again.

And today I look forward while glancing back, well aware of the sadness I will feel and the excitement of what awaits me in the coming months.

So much change all at once. But it's going to be okay. Actually, it's going to be good for me and those He will give me to love and to serve.

I wanted to be able to trust God completely with every aspect of my life, and now here is my opportunity. He carries it all so close to His heart because He does that with everybody. He has a plan for each one of us and it's something that we need to believe and have faith in. I will go where He wants me to go, and where He wants me to go seems to be very clear.

Continuing to question myself at times is a weakness I struggle with, but it appears that when He deems necessary for our lives to move in a particular direction, He will make the path straight, though narrow it may be. I have to trust that. I have to know that He will be there...that He is here now...and that He will be there for everyone I leave behind.

That's just how it has always worked out.

So I give this all to You, dear Lord. Embracing my present and the day I now live in with the people You have placed in my life. Please hold me in Your hand and be my support...my courage and my strength. But first and foremost, please be my Love, so that I will cherish the moments You give me and treasure all the lessons learned.

Chosen

"Whenever the divine favor chooses someone to receive a special grace, or to accept a lofty vocation, God adorns the person chosen with all the gifts of the Spirit needed to fulfill the task at hand."
- St. Bernadine of Siena

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You sometimes have to question in order to find the answers. It might take some time to realize that you're in the right place doing the right thing, but once you arrive there for yourself, peace will fill your soul.

Yesterday at Mass, I knew that I had stopped looking for the experiences and started looking for my God. No longer was it about the consolations and the feelings...those have been long gone. I couldn't hold on to the graces He had given me years ago because those gifts were only for that particular time in my life with those particular circumstances.

Now I just want to know that I am doing His will.

About a month ago, I was seriously reflecting on my place at Verbum Dei, wondering if I was done with my mission and needed to move on. When I asked myself, I thought my job was finished. When I asked God, He said otherwise.

I had to pay attention to the moments when I knew He was speaking to me. The four days I spent subbing for Br. Kim's class. The conversation I had with Dominique in my office. The blessed "coincedence" of meeting Jeff BB in the Conference Room during last Thursday's dinner break. The assurance I had given Douglas at my table in the gym. The thanks I received from the parents that night. The entire Faculty & Staff retreat that exploded with the confirmations I had been seeking since December.

It wasn't up to me...but then it was.

I had to make the choice. No one was going to force me to stay. No one was going to force me to leave. I just had to discover the reasons for doing whatever I would choose to do. And they had to be His reasons, not mine.

Our day at LMU was wonderful. Absolutely filled with grace. At least that's what it was for me because I have never experienced a Faculty & Staff retreat as a participant. Fr. Jim and Fr. Wayne Negrete did a great job with putting it all together. I only had to get drinks, do the opening prayer, and lead my small group. The teamwork I had been longing for allowed me to really take in for myself what God wanted me to hear.

And I heard a lot.

Fr. Wayne began the day with a talk about the baptism of Jesus and how He had to leave everything behind to fulfill His purpose. Fr. Jim had pointed out the powerful imagery in the talk that made me understand that Jesus, too, was subject to the will of His Father just like we were. In His baptism, John the Baptist immersed Him under water, with no air, no light, no power in Himself to come up until John decided He was ready to do so. Although Jesus was God, as one of us He was not above God. He also had to surrender so that the Plan could be carried out in His life. A great lesson to be learned for us all.

After Fr. Wayne gave his testimony about his leaving during college to study abroad and pursue different callings as he walked away from the familiar, Nic followed to share those moments in his life when he allowed God to work and guide him along his own path. He spoke of those who he held close to his heart because they were the ones who mentored him and made sure that he stayed faithful. Despite his own desires and ambitions, God still found a way to bring him where he needed to be - and where others needed him to be as well - because there was something that had to be done in their lives through his. The only way that he was able to do this was to remember that he was giving to his students a piece of each person who had loved him...each person who had made him the man he is today. If he let himself get in the way of that, all of his issues would interfere and he would not be able to get it done.

I had to thank him for that. It was the perspective I needed to move through my own self-doubt. The light bulb went on...the fire had reignited...because I remembered who I would be coming back to and the wisdom that they had passed on to me. By myself I didn't have a whole lot. But looking back at the people who helped shaped Marianne, I had a gold mine.

We broke up into small groups and shared our own family backgrounds - what had molded us and influenced us in our faith. It was so enlightening to hear stories from my coworkers, especially since most of my group was new to the staff this year and I didn't know much about where they came from. That time we shared was incredibly valuable since we don't really have the opportunity to visit with each other too often when we're at work.

Lunch time was spent talking to Hector about white rice, Lenten meals, and the importance of family time. I had a great time with him because he's just one of those people that loves to laugh and loves to share - someone you know you can have a real heart-to-heart talk with or just joke around with depending on the mood of the moment.

Brief glances around the Xavier Hall Library gave me the chance to soak in the joy of the people I have worked with all year. I told Fr. Jim that I loved how the day was going, and truly appreciated the work he had put into it.

Br. Rich then shared with us the history of the school and how his order - the Divine Word Missionaries - had started the apostolate, not even being an education ministry. He had been there for 16 years and had seen the ups and downs...hills and valleys...of both the administration and staff and the students. From what he had told us, the campus and student body have improved drastically...and there is hope. It is a great blessing that the archdiocese did not close the school because the community in South Central LA looks to Verb with pride, at least those who do understand our mission. I also felt the love growing within me, so grateful for the legacy that the SVD's had passed on to us.

Then came Mrs. Mingo - our librarian - who I have always known to have a beautiful spirit. She told her story about coming to Verbum Dei and how much work she has done to make the library not only a resource for the students but a place of refuge and solace. In this age of modern technology, most teenagers do not appreciate reading books like they used to, so they may not tap into the wealth of knowledge found in the library, but the woman who runs it definitely offers to them the treasures she carries in her own heart.

"You all love the students - I can see it," she said. "When I watch you coming out of your offices and classrooms, I can tell how much love you have for them. And just imagine that if each of us has even just a teensy bit of love in our hearts for them, if you put us all together, that's a whole lot of love."

Wow. It was then that I took a good look at those faces, who work so hard and sacrifice so much for our guys...who walk on to the campus of that little high school in Watts and offer their time, their talent, and their lives no matter how difficult it might be on any given day. It was then that I said, yes...I want to stay.

Though it may not always seem like it, we are doing amazing things at Verbum Dei. Yes, it is harder to work there than it is at most other places, but the rewards are well-worth it. I can't see them yet, for I've only been there for two years...but I can trust in the words of Br. Rich, Mrs. Mingo and Nic. I can trust in their hope and their faith and their love for the school. And I can know that for this next year of my life, I will also ask God to help me to continue serving well and serving strong. I will go back into the classroom and give a piece of my father, my grandparents, of my own mentors to them. How rich I really am because I also have the chance to receive pieces of those who have contributed to the lives of the men and women surrounding me every day.

And when in doubt, it is always God's saving grace to remind us how much we are loved by Him. How He looks upon us and says, "You are my beloved children with whom I am well-pleased."

As I close this entry, I come back to the statement made by our IT guy John in our small group: "If we only realized how much we are truly loved by God, we would all be great saints."

Amen. =)

"Occupy your minds with good thoughts, or the enemy will fill them with bad ones. Unoccupied, they cannot be."
– St. Thomas More

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Pope says commitment of Lent is listening to Christ as Mary did

Vatican City, Mar. 13, 2006 (CNA) - During his weekly Angelus prayer on Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI told a group of thousands, gathered below his study window in St. Peter’s Square that Christians are not called to always live in glorious, mystical experiences, but rather, to humbly listen to the voice of Christ, just as the Blessed Virgin Mary did.

The Pope, who had just finished a week-long spiritual retreat, said that his recent days were spent “completely dedicated to listening to the Lord, Who always speaks to us, and who expects us to pay the greatest attention, especially in this period of Lent."

He went on to comment on Sunday’s Gospel reading, in which, the Transfiguration of Christ on Mount Tabor, is recorded in Mark. He said that "when we have the grace of undergoing a profound experience of God, it as if we experienced something similar to what happened to the disciples during the Transfiguration.”

“For a moment” he said, “we enjoy a foretaste of what will be the joy of heaven.”

He said that "these are usually brief experiences that God sometimes grants, especially prior to severe trials,” but also quickly pointed out that, “it is given to no one to live 'upon Tabor' while they are on this earth.”

“Human life is, in fact,” he said, “a journey of faith and, as such, progresses more in the shadows than in full light, and is not without moments of obscurity or even of complete blackness.”

“As long as we live in the world,” the Pope pointed out, “our relationship with God consists more in listening than in seeing; and even contemplation comes about, so to say, with eyes closed and thanks to the inner light lit within us by the Word of God."

Calling to mind the example of the Virgin Mary, Benedict recalled that, "advanced in her own pilgrimage of faith day after day," she meditated on the Word of God, both through the Scriptures and through events in the life of her Son "in which she recognized and accepted the mysterious voice of the Lord.”

He said that "This, then, is the commitment of each of us during Lent: to listen to Christ as Mary did.”

Specifically, he encouraged the faithful to “listen to Him in His Word, conserved in Holy Scripture…listen to it in the events of our own lives, seeking to read therein the messages of Providence,” and finally, “to listen to it in our brothers and sisters, especially in the smallest and the poorest, towards whom Jesus Himself calls for a concrete display of our love.”

The Holy Father concluded by saying that “Listening to Christ and obeying His voice…is the Way, the one Way that leads to the fullness of joy and of love."

A Sign...literally

"Love What You Do"...it had a rose next to it...off the 91 fwy coming back from Redondo Beach. How timely...

You have to pay attention to what God is trying to tell you through the people who are in your life. What might seem like a burden or an inconvenience may actually be an answer to a question you've had burning in your heart for some time. So it's really important to take the time to listen.

Every song has a story. In order to sing it well, you need to tell it from your heart...this story set to music. Do I have enough faith to share it with the world? Can I do it again? It looks like I'm headed in the right direction.

St. Anthony really does help you find things that are missing.

And last but not least, it's wonderful to be loved this much. I wouldn't trade it for all the riches in the world.

Now I know...

Bless the Broken Road
by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rollin home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God Blessed the Broken Road
That led me straight to you
That God Blessed the Broken Road
That led me straight to you

Honor

Life in Christ: Catechism #2158
God calls each one by name. Everyone's name is sacred. The name is the icon of the person. It demands respect as a sign of the dignity of the one who bears it.