Back to Jesus we go...

Whew, it's Tuesday...I don't think I've ever been this grateful on a Tuesday. I think I just had a difficult Monday.

Strange how I used to want time to go by really fast. Now that I have so much to do, I wish I could stretch my days out just so I could complete all my lessons, visit with my coworkers, catch up with my students, call old friends, and hang out with my family...not to mention getting to daily Mass, staying for adoration, writing in my journal after reading a good book, and talking to Gary, if we're not sitting around doing nothing.

I have a dear friend who had rededicated herself to Jesus this past weekend. Praise God. =) She just inspired me to do the same.

As I was putting together a Powerpoint presentation on the Liturgical calendar, I learned that the color green used in Ordinary Time symbolizes hope and growth. Green is the color of life and abundance. We go through life measuring it by monumental events, but usually in the in-between "ordinary time" we don't think anything worth much is happening.

So like my friend and I discovered in our conversation today, it's important to recognize that something is happening while we don't notice...when we're waiting for something to knock us off our feet.

We're growing.

Like my rose analogy.

Soil, water, sunlight, and regular pruning.

Humility, sacramental graces, Eucharist, and frequent confession.

Most of the time, we feel nothing. Often we only see the thorns, but the bud is blooming.

There was a red rose growing next to Mama Mary at work today.

I noticed it early in the day as a bud. I came back in the afternoon and it had opened up.

How beautiful!

That made me smile. Ah, yes, encountering God in all things... =)

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Fr. Larry said yesterday at Mass that we are happy only to the extent that we fulfill the will of God in our lives.

I heard that after talking to Melanie and Ofelia in the SPC Religious Ed office. Melanie saw my ring and I shared with her more of "our story". Ofelia then said to me that Fr. Larry once told her about the 4 different types of Christians...

1. The Christian that refuses to carry their cross.
2. The Christian that carries their cross and either brags about it or complains.
3. The Christian that carries their cross and also looks for others to help as well.
4. The Christian that is willing to be nailed to their cross.

From that conversation and my reflection during Mass, I came to the conclusion that I am marrying Christian #4.

Being the kind of Christian that often cannot bear the weight of my own cross, I have a lot to learn.

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (Phil. 3:10-11)

Metamorphosis

At last...a "do nothing" day. I LOVE IT!

Thanks so much, Em, for going to breakfast with me...it was quite yuuuummmy. =) I had a great time hanging out and catching up! We must do this more often and hit more items on that menu...haha

It's been hard staying in touch with everyone lately, but I realized that I shouldn't let too much time pass...especially with family and close friends.

Going back to Days was a blessing. Familiar faces. The disco. I remembered. Thank you, Kuya Jess.

Good times with the Monks...growing up but still staying young. I love my friends. They're the best...that's why we've lasted this long. Eight years. Wow. Funny how Jenn and Chel both got married in the same year...Summer and I are engaged...Shell and Elle are single. Traveling in pairs. We've got a trip planned in October. Yaaay, just like the old days...I'm excited!!!

Alas, I have been spending most of my time at Verb. Work has kept me very busy during this month of August, but at the same time it's where I've had some of my most life-deepening conversations.

I love it that I'm becoming better friends with my coworkers. The family atmosphere that we longed for is growing. What a wonderful feeling it is to be there on that campus.

I love it that we now have Mass every Friday morning before the school day starts. I've always admired Gary for getting to Mass so early in the morning, thinking I'd never be able to get up early enough, but yes, Jesus, you're so worth it.

I love it that God has carried me through one of the most stressful times of the year and preserved the joy in my heart so I can still smile in the end. Faculty/Staff Orientation, Faculty/Staff Retreat, New Families Mass, Student Orientation w/marathon sessions, Fall Sports Retreat, Mass of the Holy Spirit, and Freshman Religion prep. I was tired, but that's why He's giving me this weekend...just to recoup and remember why I do what I do.

It's good to see our boys again.

So much gratitude...that's what it always comes back to.

Thank you, Lord, for my family, for my coworkers, for my students, and for my friends. Thank you for taking care of us...no matter how You allow us to struggle, You've never left us alone. Thank you for my beautiful fiance who manages to make every moment spent with him a cherished one...for filling his heart with an incredible amount of love...for teaching me through him what humility looks like and what faith should really be.

Changing but somehow staying the same person I've always been.

It doesn't matter so much what people think of me. It's not that I don't care. I just put God's opinion above everyone else's. And the fact of the matter is that God loves me. God loves everyone...He really does. So to think that my life - or the life of another person - does not have value is to undermine the very purpose for which we were made. It's true that sometimes we stray...sometimes we're not as close to Him as we were at other times in our lives, but the reality is that He never leaves us.

What's most important is that we keep coming back...that we keep getting up...that we answer the door when He knocks...that we never forget what His voice sounds like.

Yesterday I decided to stop by St. Irenaeus before going home...didn't know they were having Adoration but was pleasantly surprised to see Jesus on the altar...so I stayed. I tried to pray but I didn't have much to say...just wanted to sit there and look at Him...and I realized that my experience of God has become pretty ordinary...not so many "mystical experiences" anymore...thinking to myself, "So this is what it's like for most people," which isn't so bad.

I glanced at the others in the church also praying, knowing that they had loved ones that they were probably lifting up, situations maybe that they couldn't deal with alone.

Then I looked at my ring, and made it part of my own prayer...asking God to take care of our relationship...thanking Him for sending me someone so patient and understanding. Ever since the night that Gary proposed, it has always felt so natural to wear. It was more than what I would have ever expected, and because he chose it and gave it to me as a symbol of his love - of our past, present, and future - it is now a part of me, as much as my medals are...as much as anything else I've ever worn that has meant something to my life's purpose.

As I was telling Em today, I've always had people around me...people to serve, people to teach, people to love. I'll go from one circle to the next and never get tired of watching them grow, as they also help keep my spirit alive and enthusiastic with the evolution of their lives as well. Kappa Psi Epsilon...Servant's Heart...the Monks...Heart of Worship...Verbum Dei...the SPOC family...Liwanag...Days with the Lord...all amazing parts of the Body of Christ.

Yet now I am being called to give of myself in a different way to this man whose presence has added a dimension to my faith that I could not aquire on my own. It was difficult at first because I was afraid of "losing myself" in the relationship, but I found that together we became even more than who we were apart. Gary cares for me in a way that helps me serve, teach, and love better when God does ask me to return to those circles.

This is why I said "Yes".

He helps me deal with the common human experience...to preach the Gospel every day with joy in the midst of trial...to say the words "It's gonna be okay" and truly believe it.

So I get to see him again today. Even if it's always hard to say goodbye whether he's traveling or just going home, it's nice to know that we're getting a little bit closer to "One day..."

+BiL

Blessed are the pure in heart...

...for they shall see God.

Preparing for marriage, not just since the engagement but long before I ever met Gary, has taught me much about what this Beatitude really means.

Few people truly understand the meaning of it and even fewer truly live it out in their own lives.

I was not going to let another person into my life and into my heart unless I knew that he valued the dignity that God gave me as a woman. Not only would he respect my purity but he would protect the purity called forth from other women as well.

It's true - I do see the world through different eyes.

And what do I see?

Those times when I am open to His grace, I see what makes God smile...and I also see what makes Him cry.

I have gone through too much to let that part of me go.

As much as I am laughed at when it comes to what I don't watch and what I don't do, there are those friends who know my values - the values of Christ - and find hope and inspiration to also strive for purity of heart.

It's the key to Heaven. I have to remember that.

No greater reward

As we begin a new school year, I'd just like to offer some words of encouragement to all the teachers out there...

There's nothing better than being a part of a young person's life in such a special way. The influence you have with them is immeasurable. Some of it has to do with what you teach, but most of the impact comes from how you teach it and what love they feel from you as you share your heart with them each day...letting them know that their presence is valued and that their life means something.

Amidst all the lesson plans and faculty meetings, there is a powerful grace flowing within each teacher...a grace even more life-changing than winning the lottery.

It is one of the most challenging and demanding professions there is, but no amount of money can outpay the rewards we receive from the students who are grateful for all that we have taught and given them.

He's my...fiance!

I think I'm starting to get used to it now...hehe =)

Yes, Gary proposed to me last Monday VERY spontaneously...neither of us was expecting it but it had to happen...God's timing, not ours...

And because God was the one who set this all up in the first place, we need to let Him take the lead. We've found that as long as we keep Him in the center of this relationship, He'll be there to guide us and provide the grace for everything we need.

This has been a lot of fun, to say the least. From the moment Gary emailed me to the first time we met...how it all came together on New Year's Eve '04 to all the special moments that we've also been able to share with the people we love...it's the greatest privilege to live out this miracle.

It really is a miracle.

When people ask how we met, I smile to myself because it's just a snippet of such a beautiful story. Even to talk about the proposal gives only a glimpse into the wonderful experience this all has been. No one will never really know the whole story because there's so much to it, but just by looking at how happy we both are, our family and friends know that this is something good.

I have my faults and weaknesses...so does he...we all do...but I'm learning that in relationships we need to admit that we're not perfect and really work to make it work. It's not hard...just humbling. There are times when I've had to get over myself and my own expectations and ask God to show me how to love Gary the way that he needs to be loved. That's the least I can do after everything he has poured out of his heart just for me...to help me experience God's love as well.

We're so blessed to understand what's important for us and our future together...though we've already figured out that it won't look like the kind of life that most people live.

It all starts with the Cross. Once we were able to accept the crosses in our lives with complete confidence that God would help us with them, an overflowing amount of grace was showered upon us to move forward with this relationship. He was ready far earlier than I was because he had that much faith, but I eventually caught up and progressed through my own healing process.

It's like you said to me yesterday, Angie. My healing is almost complete. And I love him. I really do love him.

Thank you, everybody, for being so excited for us...most especially for your prayers.

What looks scary really isn't so bad once you have the courage to take a chance. A very friendly German Shepherd named Bingo proved that to me during my talk this past weekend...a lesson I'll never forget.

+BiL

The segment returns

I MET JESUS TODAY...

If I don't blog about anything else, I can at least come back to this. So...

I met Jesus today through Fr. Ed at St. Pius who reminded us that God's voice will speak to us if we just listen carefully. His grace and mercy are always being poured out onto the world, like on the day of his ordination as a deacon and God gave him a beautiful day after a storm. You know, that was probably one of the days that Gary and I were blessed with as well, so like he said, that shining sun wasn't just for him. =)

I also met Jesus today through Jason who thought of "I Met Jesus Today" during Mass and inspired me to include it on my blog again.

Jesus was also present to me through my Kappa sisters who I saw at our All-Chapter Summer Summit - especially Amber, Christine, April, and Selle. It was so wonderful to see them and catch up for a while...to reminisce and appreciate the journey together. I cried for the first time while giving a speech during the Delta Chapter induction. That's how proud of them I was.

And Jesus fed me when I was hungry today through Lyn-Lyn and Mike. It was nice sitting with them for a little while. I like those two a lot...as I should...

Oh, I can't forget about yesterday with Mike and Gary helping Lyn-Lyn and I clean out the garage. Yeah, that definitely takes the love of Jesus...hehe. Thanks, guys. You're the greatest.

So my life is evolving at the moment and I'm sooooo happy. =) I'm glad I'm doing this because it gives me the opportunity to be mindful and appreciative of the little things. Have you ever felt like you were living out a movie or a TV mini-series? That's me every day. What's gonna happen next? God likes to keep me at the edge of my seat, in a good way of course. When I close the night with Him and Gary, I can almost hear the words, "Stay tuned for the next episode..."

As long as we're making other people smile, we'll know that this is something He definitely wants.

A wholehearted Yes

...not afraid to lose but more than willing to give.

You can't let the hurts of the past and the imagined fears of the future rob you of the joys of today. It's easy to lock yourself in your own prison and shut everyone else out to keep yourself "safe".

But like I heard someone say in the waiting room of the doctor's office:

"That's not living."