A new perspective

It's always good to look at things from different angles, especially when you can't find anything valuable in the perspective you currently have.

Thank you, Lord, for all the friends who called me today and offered their conversation. I can see how each one led me to the next...like it was one long talk that just continued from person to person. All just to catch up, some business to take care of, one to tell me some GREAT news. =) Definitely what I needed today.

Lessons that came out of the convos:

• Sometimes our thoughts border being absolutely crazy...those you don't share with anyone or else you'll cause a lot of potential problems.
• Never assume anything about anyone.
• Everything is going to be fine.
• We will and should experience that tension between Heaven and earth. It will never be 100% comfortable living in this world because it isn't our home. Our souls are always seeking so much more.
• You can't plan inflexibly. God will decide to test and to bless and you've got to be open for both at any time.
• It's okay to have some doubt because that fear of losing something important to you tells you that it's probably worth holding on to.
• Reminder: LOVE IS SACRIFICE
• It's time to tune in again because there isn't an excuse anymore to stay tuned out.
• Go back to what worked before. It's a good place to start.
• Living without community is hard...however, if not given the time or the opportunity, do what the saints did in order to stay close to God...stick with the basics: Rosary, Daily Mass, Adoration, Scripture.
• We each have a "life theme". We may not feel that we always live it out to its fullest but it definitely remains a goal to strive for....whether it be "seeing Christ in all people" or "being Love", it is the essence of who He made us to be in this world.

And, yes, I am complicated. Another thing I would rather not admit to, but it's true. This interior housecleaning isn't going to happen overnight, so I have to learn to be patient with myself.

Dear Jesus, I really need Your eyes right now. Your heart would be good, too.

There are certainly some things in my life that really should not be risked...1) salvation, 2) commitment, and 3) dignity. I've got to be obedient because I know it's best. Times when I wasn't got me into lots of trouble.

I will always love people no matter who they are but I need to know how to live that love out.

Holy Spirit, that's where You come in.

This is where my pain comes from. This is my struggle...to allow God the freedom to work in any way He chooses but to act with the prudence He also uses to protect us. Perhaps I shall no longer suffer if I offer this all to Him in prayer...even before I open up about it to anyone else, I really should bring it to God first. Everyone will be much more at peace as a result.

That's just what is best.

Whew. Today started off kind of slow but I must say that it was a great day. Thanks be to God. =) I'm beginning to really love this journey. It's not as chaotic as I initially thought it would be. So instead of questioning everything, I'm just going to let it go. Or accept it. Whatever the case may be...

"...the suffering in this present life cannot compare to the Glory that awaits us..." (Rom 8:18)

"GOD will never leave you EMPTY,
He will REPLACE everything you've LOST.
If He asks you to put something DOWN,
it's because HE wants YOU to PICK-UP something GREATER."

I want to be like Jesus

...though I will always fall short. I figured, though, that I'm better off wanting to be like Him rather than anyone else who has ever lived.

Of course we always admire people...we want to look like they do...have what they have...act like they act...and it's perfectly okay to have role models and heroes.

But I'm finding that I need someone who will walk closely enough with me...who will spend enough time with me to influence me just by their presence alone.

And that's my Lord.

I'm too easily influenced by the world...by my physical, emotional, and spiritual environment. In positive circumstances, this is a GREAT thing. However, this isn't always the type of situation I find myself in.

If people around me are negative, I start to become negative. If things that I see attract me to want more materially, I find myself spending money on stuff I don't really need. If I listen to music that doesn't uplift my spirit, I lose the desire to pray more and talk about God as the center of everything.

Granted that I can't live my life as if I was a contemplative nun, I need to again be grounded enough so that when I am surrounded by things or attitudes that aren't particularly helpful, I don't become consumed by them. Further progress will be made when I can be in those situations and actually see the face of God, hear His voice and recognize His hand moving in that particular time.

So my prayer is that somehow, someway God will help me know Him better so that I can love him more...that through receiving the Eucharist and being in His Presence I will be transformed into His likeness.

Opportunities for humility are to be expected. They don't always feel good, but I'm thinking that that they're very necessary for me right now. Get ready...

Whooohooo =) praise God. Really, praise God.

Once upon a time...

I thought I knew who I was. Now I'm not so sure I can define that.

Honestly, deep down inside I don't know what I consist of.

Pieces of other people's lives...fragments of their opinions...playdoh-like formations of what society has tried to mold me into.

They say I'm a leader. They say I'm smart and faithful. Nice. Inspiring.

Am I really?

I remember snippets of time when I walked with confidence, but it was confidence in myself...not so much a confidence in God.

I've always been messy inside. Not many people have known that but I'm writing about it because I have to finally admit it. The funny thing is that it's no longer freaking me out. I'm getting quite used to it because it helps me deal with other people's "messiness".

Nope, haven't always had it all together. To a certain degree, I still don't. Lots of work to do in this lifetime but thank God I don't have to do it alone.

Like this blog entry, for instance. I'm writing and I know it doesn't make sense, but it seems that these kinds of entries seem to touch more people than other stuff I've written. So there are people out there who can identify with my "mess". Interesting.

If I ever write a book someday on anything, it's going to be a lot like this. Who knows if it'll be published, but someone might need it. But then maybe I should just write it because I need it.

Random thoughts.

Gary likes to ask me what I'm thinking when I'm quiet. Sometimes I don't even have words for what I'm thinking...but at the end of the day, this is what my mind is filled with. Mere randomness. The thing is that I don't talk too much about what goes on in my head when I do have something coherent to share because I've been warned not to say too much. I figure, who needs to know all this anyway? Highly doubting the significance of my mindless reflection.

Current random thought:
If I were to be an animal, I'd be a turtle. I used to say an eagle when our pledges would interview us because I loved its independence and freedom. Nowadays I'm more like a turtle that would rather withdraw into the safety of its shell and hide out for as long as it can, going at its own pace...not caring that the rest of the world is going faster than it.

In the larger grand scheme of things, who is more important - the eagle or the turtle? I don't know, but God created them both so you can't say a turtle is a waste of His energy. Every one is special... and I guess the moral of this blog entry is that I need to realize that. Maybe I'm not as active as I used to be. Maybe my path isn't as clear as it was some years ago. But God still thinks my life is worth something, so I need to believe that, too.

I will not apologize for my randomness today, like I tend to do. It's just here for anyone who has ever felt that their life didn't make a whole lot of sense but always prayed that it be given some purpose and sense of importance.

No more chasing the wind of empty promises and broken dreams. I'm taking stake of what I'm here for. It's a little cloudy at the moment but I'm sure He'll reveal some truth in it all for me to learn from.

So I shall go to sleep now and take tomorrow to pray for meaning in the seeming meaningless...interior calm amdist the busyness...consolation in the fears. Just to be a better person...to be more than I have been for everyone in my life.

The End.

"When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life." - Greg Anderson

A Small Sacrifice

Sometimes you have to give more than you think you have the energy for just because you know it's good for you...like exercising and eating right...though I don't do well with either of those two...I just know that I need to get back into some sort of routine to keep my soul in check. My job depends on it. So does my future marriage. One step at a time. I'll work on my diet and physical activity gradually, but my relationship with God comes first.

At least I'm getting more sleep! =) That's progress...

If you're reading this, please pray for our Freshman Retreat on Thursday. Thank you!!!

Lots going on right now.

This is why I need to go back to Daily Mass. If Mother Teresa could find time to pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament and go to Mass every day as she served the poorest of the poor, I can do the same if I really try. Life demands much of us and rarely is it ever easy, especially when you give your all. But God makes it all worth it and the Eucharist gives us the strength to go on when we can't hold ourselves up.

If I continue to say I'm too busy for Him, I won't make it through this year.

The pull of the world is so strong...but I know who I belong to. Now I just have to recommit myself to The Way I know to be true...the path that I had begun to walk down but stopped to rest for a while...at least until I started feeling the call to get up again.

In and not of it.

I look into his eyes and I want to give him so much but it'll never be enough. If I can offer him a heart in love with God, that's an eternity with joy forever guaranteed.

I see them needing something but I always feel that I don't have much to fill the emptiness. If I can be Christ's presence to them, that's more gift than anyone could ever ask for.

How do I know this?

Because that's what he offers me. Because that's what they are for me every day.

I have to keep growing into what the Father made me to be. I need to fulfill the purpose that the death of Jesus made possible for the life I was given. I absolutely must be open to the Spirit moving within me and around me and I've got to start paying attention.

Time goes by way too fast and I feel like I'm missing out on so much.

Pay attention. Listen. Watch. Pray.

That's all Jesus told the disciples to do before Pentecost. That's all He asks us to do so that we can hear the voice of God speak and direct us...so that we will become true intercessors...saints called to be holy, not because we want to be recognized for our holiness but because we have discovered what we were created to do for the good of the Kingdom.

There is a gap between heaven and earth and each of us is called to fill it.

Our Lord is the bridge and we are an extension of His Body. He's crying out to us to remember this.

The memories can only hold me over for so long.

It's time to fly again...

"But love your enemies and do good to them, and lend when there is nothing to expect in return. Then will your reward be great and you will be sons and daughters of the Most High. For he is kind towards the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Don't be a judge of others and you will not be judged; do not condemn and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven; give and it will be given to you, and you will receive in your sack good measure, pressed down, full and running over. For the measure you give will be the measure you receive back." (Luke 6:35-38)

Special Intention

Quake Kills More Than 18,000 in South Asia

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (AP) - A powerful earthquake flattened entire villages of mud-brick homes, triggered landslides and toppled a 10-story apartment building on Saturday, killing more than 18,000 people as it devastated a mountainous swath touching Pakistan, India and Afghanistan.

The casualty toll from the 7.6-magnitude tremor rose sharply Sunday as rescuers struggled to dig people from the wreckage, their work made more difficult as rain and hail turned dirt and debris into sticky muck. Maj. Gen. Shaukat Sultan, Pakistan's chief army spokesman said early Sunday that more than 18,000 had been killed - 17,000 of them in Pakistani Kashmir, where the quake was centered. Some 41,000 people were injured, he said.

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There are people all over the world with no homes, no families, no hope. After tragedies like 911, the earthquake in El Salvador, the tsunami in Southest Asia, Hurricane Katrina, and this recent devastation, we can only be moved to gratitude for what we have...for the time we spend living our lives with the people we love.

We may never feel like we have enough time, money, or resources but when we compare our situations with those who have nothing, we cannot even begin to wish for more.

God gives us what we need and His grace is always sufficient...

May the greatest good come from the deepest heartache. Amen.

The Perfect Heart

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.

Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart. Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said,

"Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.