Always what I need

THE GRACE OF THE RAISING OF LAZARUS

"It is not really a question of trust in God at all, for we want very much to trust in Him; it is really a question of our ultimate belief in His existence and His providence, and it demands the purest act of faith.

For my part, I was brought to make this perfect act of faith, this act of complete self-abandonment to His will, of total trust in His love and concern for me and His desire to sustain and protect me, by the experience of a complete despair of my own powers and abilities that had preceded it. I knew I could no longer trust myself, and it seemed only sensible then to trust totally in God. It was the grace God had been offering me all my life, but which I never really had the courage to accept in full. I had talked of finding and doing His will, but never in the sense of totally giving up my own will. I had talked of trusting Him, indeed I truly had trusted Him, but never in the sense of abandoning all other sources of support and relying on his grace alone. I could never find it in me before, to give up self completely. There were always boundaries beyond which I would not go, little hedges marking out what I knew in the depths of my being was a point of no return. God in His providence had been constant in His grace, always providing opportunities for this act of perfect faith and trust in Him, always urging me to let go of the reins and trust in Him alone. I had trusted Him, I had cooperated with His grace - but only up to a point. Only when I had reached a point of total bankruptcy of my own powers had I at last surrendered.

That moment, that experience, completely changed me. I can say it now in all sincerity, without false modesty, without a sense of either exaggeration or of embarrassment. I have to call it a conversion experience; it was at once a death and a resurrection."

- Fr. Walter J. Ciszek, S.J.

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As I read this passage tonight, every word cried out of my own heart the truth it had lived. I prayed tonight for the grace to die to myself so that I might sacrifice more than I have been...to make the leap of faith...to acknowledge my spiritual bankruptcy. I had lost faith in my own faith because circumstances have brought me to a place where I reached inside myself and found nothing. What could I trust in now, Lord? I asked. All I had left was Him.

Total abandonment to Divine Providence.

The emptiness that I feel is different from what I experienced years ago when I was searching for You. It does not carry the same aching pain. It's more of a thirst, if anything. I don't feel You as close as I did before, but I know You're there.

The desert...where it's just You and me.

I need to be here because this is where I am the most useful to those who You have given me to love. They need me to stay faithful, even if I don't receive the generous consolations You gave to me in the past.

Em asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell her because I didn't know. Now I do, at least a little more than I knew before. It's all necessary for me to see. Little by little You show me, and it is me. It's my brokenness that causes me to fear.

So Jesus, I'll trade my heart for Yours. Some time ago, I loved as You did, if only for a while...and then I got scared because I thought it hurt too much. Lo and behold, I discovered that it hurts more to try to love out of my power because I have none of my own.

Please, Lord, help me again. I really need to stick with it this time.

"Then you shall know that I am the Lord." (Is 49:23)