What am I Looking For Again?

His will. I've wanted to find His will. The problem is that I've been looking everywhere except for in my own heart.

Hi, God. It's me again. I know it's been a while...

I feel like I'm going into an IR monologue.

The dreams. I can't figure out what they mean. At least the ones that I can't clearly remember when I wake up. The ones that have left me tired when I wake up. And a little sad.

Talking to myself in the car on the way home, trying to make sense out of this search. I've been with you, but I haven't been able to find you.

Pieces of my life are scattered all over the place. That's how I feel because people who used to mean so much and influence so much are out there somewhere not a part of my life anymore.

I used to talk to my friends about detachment. I went through the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises and should be some sort of a pseudo-expert on the matter (or not)...but whatever the case may be, I'm suddenly wondering why I'm experiencing this "disconnectedness".

You just let go, right? You just move on, right?

It's not that easy.

But life...it never stays the same. It's so incredibly fluid...like water...because it's moving and growing and changing.

New people come into my world - new students, new coworkers, new strangers who become friends - and they're all great, like all the ones who came before them were great.

Maybe I just want to be like God and always be connected to everybody all the time.

But then Jesus didn't even have that luxury while he was here on earth. He was limited to time and space.

He had to leave his mother. He had to leave his friends. He even had to accept the murder of his own cousin.

He loved everybody, but he served the one right there in front of him.

He connected with the poor and the sick. He healed some of them, but not all of them. But his encounters with each of them - as simple as they were - were unforgettable. Why? Because he was WITH them. For that day, for that hour, for those few minutes...he was really with them.

So at least I can say that I've had those "Jesus-moments" with you, too. All the souls I have been so blessed to have grown up with and prayed with...cried with and laughed with. At least I have been able to share those days, those hours, those minutes with you.

I pray for you all often. Every day, actually. You might not think that I remember you, but I do. Your faces have been painted on the canvas of my heart because I once looked into your eyes and saw Him.

So wherever I go, I take you with me...you, in this communion of saints He brought into my life.