Love at all cost

Once upon a time, I asked Jesus to help me love like Him. I asked Him if He could take my broken heart and replace it with His.

This week I was given the opportunity to truly love so many people in my life.

My husband.

My children.

My students.

Each of them was asking me to love them in so many different ways. All 111 of them. That's a lot of people.

I needed to forgive, to accept, to sacrifice, to hug, to listen, to advise, to even reach back into the darkness of my own past and draw out lessons that would teach them who they really are.

And today happened to be another one of those days that cost me. Like I told Mirella, I love these students of mine so much...I pour out my whole heart and soul into everything I do for them...and when they aren't willing to receive, it hurts. I get frustrated, and sometimes I wonder why I try so hard.

But I can't give them any less than this. Every day I choose to come straight home to my family and spend as much time with them as I can. Every morning I leave my family to serve my students and take care of educating them, forming them in the faith, praying with them, and sitting down to talk when they really need me.

Yes, I'm exhausted.

Yet St. Ignatius tells us not to count the cost.

At the end of the day, I am grateful. I'm grateful that God gave me enough grace to get through and love despite the difficulties. I'm grateful that I can still give even when I'm hurting inside or struggling with uncertainties about my own health. I'm grateful that I can still listen when I myself need to talk, and that I can remember the importance of "taking one day at a time."

I really need it to be June 16th, but I don't want these next few weeks to fly by without appreciating the reasons my students give me to stay at SJS.

What did Jesus do when He was this tired?

He went off by Himself to pray.

Maybe He wasn't married with two kids, but He sure did have A WHOLE LOT more "students" than I do. And they followed Him everywhere He went.

I can't imagine.

So I guess it's not so bad. It just means that I need to take a little more time by myself (or with a sleeping baby in my lap) to pray and REALLY talk with God. I've been too busy asking Him for stuff - mostly for other people - that we haven't been doing much conversing.

To the desert, dear Spirit. Please send me to the desert to pray.