Examen

At the end of my day, I find myself replaying every mistake and every blessing...asking myself how I could have done better and being grateful to God for His sustenance and grace. Sometimes I'm weighed down by incredible guilt over little things, and I suppose that can be good if it drives me to change. But I do have to literally cry out the name of Jesus so the bad feelings don't overwhelm me since I'm really good at being hard on myself.

I think in my own mind that even if I was awarded Teacher of the Year, I can do so much better than I have been. It's been so tough lately because in my heart I want so bad to be home with the girls, but after work I still have to grade papers, put together lessons, and make powerpoints. And yet when I'm at SJS I really enjoy helping my students learn about their faith. It was so much easier to be a teacher when I was single because I could devote more time to the school...but if I wasn't working, then I can be more present to my own daughters and care for them the way I think I should.

As God's will has determined, I signed my contract for another year at SJS. I was okay with it since I left it in his hands, and I was happy that I can continue working with my 7th graders as they move on to their 8th grade year. There is so much I want to do with them...so much they haven't yet been exposed to. They like to learn and they remind me every day why I came back to be a full-time teacher three years ago.

Maybe God's allowing me to stay at SJS so Gary is able to build a solid relationship with our kids. When he goes back to work, it will more than likely involve some traveling again and he may not be able to spend as much time with them. So if I look at it that way, I am willing to make the sacrifice right now. At least I have long vacations so I still get my chance to be home for part of the year, which is wonderful. And perhaps through all of this I will be able to better understand how Mommy felt when she was the main breadwinner for our family when Daddy couldn't work.

There is a purpose...actually more than one...and I'm sure God will reveal more to me later on. But like I told my two girls who didn't win the Student Council election, God has a plan and we may just have to wait and see what He has in store.