Tuesday, April 05, 2005

From the heart of a servant

Prayer of the Holy Father at the Conclusion of the Rosary
(Esplanade of the Basilica of the Rosary, August 14, 2004)

Hail Mary, poor and humble Woman, Blessed by the Most High! Virgin of hope, dawn of a new era, we join in your song of praise, to celebrate the Lord’s mercy, to proclaim the coming of the Kingdom and the full liberation of humanity.

Hail Mary, lowly handmaid of the Lord, Glorious Mother of Christ! Faithful Virgin, holy dwelling-place of the Word, teach us to persevere in listening to the Word, and to be docile to the voice of the Spirit, attentive to his promptings in the depths of our conscience and to his manifestations in the events of history.

Hail Mary, Woman of sorrows, Mother of the living! Virgin spouse beneath the Cross, the new Eve, be our guide along the paths of the world. Teach us to experience and to spread the love of Christ, to stand with you before the innumerable crosses on which your Son is still crucified.

Hail Mary, woman of faith, First of the disciples! Virgin Mother of the Church, help us always to account for the hope that is in us, with trust in human goodness and the Father’s love. Teach us to build up the world beginning from within: in the depths of silence and prayer, in the joy of fraternal love, in the unique fruitfulness of the Cross.

Holy Mary, Mother of believers, Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us. Amen.

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At work yesterday afternoon, I was asked, "Who do you think is more important - Mary or Pope John Paul II?" It took me less than a second to answer, "Mary, of course."

Pope John Paul II was made leader of the Catholic Church because he knew who she really was. Perhaps the other cardinals who elected him were not aware of his deep devotion to her and how much it would affect the course of action he would take with the Church and with his own life, but God knew.

People wouldn't be calling him a living saint or "John Paul the Great" without her influence.

This is what was so inspiring about him. Our Holy Father was humble enough to submit himself to the direction of Mary, the Mother of God. He gave everything to Him through her and consecrated all of us to her Immaculate Heart because that's just how much we all meant to him.

Being at Mass yesterday for the feast of the Annunciation reminded me again of "FIAT" - hers...his...and mine - and what that meant for my life today. I needed to remember to also offer all to Jesus through Mary...that she would bless each gift with her gentle hands and lift up every petition towards His heart.

It's been so long since I truly depended on God alone. I think that's why I've been so exhausted. Going at life all by myself without actively seeking His grace really taxes the soul. My resources have been depleted for years - at least all that I thought I had to my name in the emotional and spiritual sense. All along, however, I had nothing to truly call my own because He has been the One to sustain me. So even when I thought it was me, it really wasn't.

What exactly is it that He's calling me back to?

LOVE...the only thing that ever matters.

He wants me to believe again that He loves me...and it's funny how He chooses to show me. Well, not really funny. I knew it would come to me someday in this form. I'd written about it in many a blog entry over the last few years. Then suddenly, a few days ago, I heard the words of Jesus on the cross in a form I didn't quite expect...

"I would rather suffer the greater pain of emptiness and loss than have you go through it."

I know this is not something totally within your control, but for you to even desire to keep me from suffering more than you sounded so much like Him. He chose to get on that Cross even though He knew full well that we were the ones who belonged on it. So you asked me why you love me so much, and I couldn't give you an answer...but God says, "Because I taught you how."

It's the only explanation that I can find. None of this would be possible without Him. The experiences...the trials...the blessings...meeting to find that all the pieces just fit together...the lessons both past and present that continue to teach us about who He has been and who He will always be for us.

When one has worked so hard to build walls around his or her heart, life becomes a prison instead of an open field. That's what it began to feel like for me, though I started feeling quite comfortable in my "cell". I could just watch people walk by...talk to them when they came to visit...maybe look out the barred window and try to remember what it felt like to love freely. Even if I lost my freedom or somehow gave it up, I preferred my situation because staying in it was less painful than the experience of being thrown in again.

Now here you are with the keys from God coming to unlock the door. No one ever came to visit me with a set of keys before. I guess you wondered why He gave you so many. Little did you know that there was a series of chambers you'd have to pass through before you could even get within arms distance of me.

Praise God for your perseverance.

Maybe I should have written this on paper, but for some reason it's spilling out on the screen instead. It's possible that someone else out there can relate somehow, which often happens with entries that are so personal to me.

So thank you, Gary. Thank you for consulting all the right people...especially for going to God and Mama Mary so that they could guide you before you even met me. Thank you for going to the depths of brokenness to meet me where I was at and to find me with a smile on your face.

No one will ever really know how exactly or why, but I guess the most important thing is that you're here.

"There will be healing if you confess your sins to one another and pray for each other. The prayer of the upright man has great power, provided he perseveres." (James 5:16)

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