Come Holy Spirit

The Catholic Experience of Renewal
Fr. Thomas Foster, S.J.
St. Joseph's Catholic Community (Church), Capitola, CA

On the last and greatest day of the feast, Jesus stood up and exclaimed, "Let anyone who thirsts come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as scripture says: Rivers of living water will flow from within him." He said this in reference to the Spirit that those who came to believe in him were to receive. There was, of course, no Spirit yet, because Jesus had not yet been glorified. (John 7:37-39)

One of many spiritual renewals within the Catholic Church, the Catholic Charismatic Renewal started in 1967 when a handful of students and university theology professors from Duquesne University got together for a retreat weekend. From this small and inconspicuous beginning, by 1990 the movement had grown to include more than 72 million Catholics world wide (over 15 million in America).

It has official organizations in 120 countries around the world. Many believe that this renewal is a direct result of Vatican II and Pope John XXIII's prayer: "O Holy Spirit...pour forth the fullness of your gifts...renew your wonders in this our day as by a new Pentecost.”

The Catholic Charismatic movement is not simply a renewal of the charisms found in the first letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians (Chapter 12). It centers on the renewal of individual commitment to the person of Jesus Christ.

This commitment has been the center of every authentic renewal in the history of the Church. The commitment begins by the re-anointing with the presence of the Holy Spirit; what is sometimes called "The Baptism in the Holy Spirit." This occurs when individuals ask Jesus Christ, who is the one who gives the Holy Spirit, to stir up the gift of the Holy Spirit within their hearts. St. Paul admonished Timothy: "I remind you to stir into flame the Gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands." (2 Timothy 1:6)

This is primarily a renewal of the gifts received in the sacraments of baptism and confirmation. The results are many. Along with the reception of the charisms, people who have experienced this renewal in the Holy Spirit talk of a new and deeper personal knowledge of Jesus. They find new power in prayer, a new love of scripture, and a new and deeper appreciation of the Church, of the liturgy, and of the sacraments. These characteristics of the Charismatic Renewal have led both POPE PAUL VI and POPE JOHN PAUL II to actively encourage the faithful and the clergy to become involved in the Charismatic renewal.

This approval was first dramatically demonstrated by POPE PAUL VI in 1975. He, personally, invited the renewal to hold its annual conference in Rome. In a special session during that conference the Pope stated: “ Nothing is more necessary to this more and more secularized world than the witness of the `spiritual renewal' that we see the Holy Spirit evoking in the most diverse regions and mileux... How then could this `spiritual renewal' not be a `chance' for the Church and for the world? And how, in this case, could one not take all the means to insure that it remains so.”

POPE JOHN PAUL II, following the lead of Pope Paul VI, has also met with groups of charismatic people and, at one such encounter, said: “Remain in an attitude of constant and grateful availability for every gift that the Spirit wishes to pour into your hearts.”

Encourage by the leadership of Pope Paul VI and John Paul II, the Catholic bishops of the United states, Canada, and many bishops in South America and Europe, have written pastoral statements supporting and encouraging the renewal. THE BISHOPS OF THE UNITED STATES, in their pastoral letter to the American Church on the Charismatic Renewal, wrote the following in 1984:

“...The charismatic renewal is rooted in the tradition of the gospel tradition: Jesus is Lord by the power of the Spirit to the glory of the Father.”

“Insofar as the Charismatic Renewal makes its own this primary reality of the Gospel, it witnesses to elements of the Good News that are central, not optional: the covenant love of the Father, the Lordship of Jesus, the power of the Spirit, sacramental and community life, prayer, charisms and the necessity of evangelization.

Insofar as the renewal makes its own what is central to the enduring reality of the Gospel, it cannot be dismissed as peripheral to the life of the Church. Clearly the charismatic Renewal is in and for the church, not alongside the church.

Because the Charismatic Renewal is at the heart of the Church, it also has a role in parish renewal.

We wish those in the Charismatic Renewal to know that we make our own the view of Yves Congar: `The Charismatic Renewal is a grace for the Church.' We assure those in the Charismatic Renewal of the support they enjoy from the bishops of the United States, and we encourage them in their efforts to renew the life of the Church.”

Perhaps a few words about the charisms are in order. VATICAN II echoes St. Paul in stating:

" It is not only through the sacraments and church ministries that the same Holy Spirit sanctifies and leads the people of God. He distributes special graces among the faithful of every rank...."The manifestation of the Spirit is given to everyone for profit." (I Corinthians 12:7) These charismatic gifts, whether they be the most outstanding or the more simple and widely diffused, are to be received with thanksgiving and consolation, for they are exceedingly suitable and useful for the needs of the Church." (L.G. 12)

So the gifts, supernatural and ordinary, are not gifts to individuals, but to the community. These gifts are given to build up God's people, and the Holy Spirit distributes “them individually to each person as he wishes.” (I Corinthians 12:11) Hence, they do not indicate the sanctity of the individual. The gifts that are found in the Charismatic Renewal are outlined in St. Paul's first letter to the Corinthians (Chapter 12):

“To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit is given for some benefit. To one is given through the Spirit the expression of WISDOM; to another the expression of KNOWLEDGE...to another FAITH...to another gifts of HEALING...MIGHTY DEEDS (miracles) ...PROPHECY...DISCERNMENT OF SPIRITS...VARIETY OF TONGUES...INTERPRETATION OF TONGUES.”
(I Corinthians 12:7-10)

Hence, the list includes gifts through which God gives understanding about himself and the Christian walk; wisdom, knowledge, and discernment. Gifts through which God acts
in his community; faith, healing, and miracles. And gifts through which God speaks to his people; prophecy, tongues, and interpretation of tongues.

The following is a brief description of these gifts:

• WISDOM: The gift by which the Holy Spirit directs a person to make the right decision or judgment and to live a true Christian life. Generally most Catholics acknowledge this gift by praying for the Light of the Spirit.
• KNOWLEDGE: The gift by which the Spirit gives a person a deeper understanding of a Mystery of Faith or specific knowledge about a person or situation that could not be known, unless God revealed it. Many priests experience this gift in the sacrament of reconciliation.
• FAITH: This gift inspires a person to pray with God given confidence. Knowing that what is asked for will be granted. This should not be confused with the virtue of faith (believing Christian truths). Jesus told his disciples that “whoever says to this mountain, `be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he said will happen, it shall be done for him.” (Mark 11:23)
• HEALING: This is one gift which Catholics accept in the lives of the saints, but find it difficult to accept in the lives of ordinary Christians. This gift speeds up the natural healing powers of the body. Jesus healed many who came to him, for example, Peter's mother-in-law.
• MIRACLES: This gift is different from healing in that it does not depend on the laws of nature. An example of a miracle, or mighty deed, is the raising of Lazarus from the dead.
• PROPHECY: This is a gift by which God, through a person, speaks a message to an individual or to the whole Christian community. It is God making use of someone, to state what He thinks about the present situation, what His intention is for the future; or what He thinks they should know or be mindful of right now. It is not primarily nor necessarily a prediction of the future. St. Paul says, “One who prophesies does speak to human beings, for their building up, encouragement and solace.” (I Corinthians 14:3)
• DISCERNMENT OF SPIRITS: Through this gift one senses the presence of good or evil spirits. Many experience a form of discernment when meeting people. Some people come across as loving and good; others radiate negative aspects. Primarily, this gift discerns the presence of the Holy Spirit.
• TONGUES: Catholic Charismatics believe that God gives the gift of praying in an `unknown tongue' to anyone who seeks it. The person is able to speak this new language of praise of God, even though the individual does not understand what is being said. Actually, it is the Spirit of God within the heart praying. In the book of Romans, St. Paul says, “The Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God's will.” (Romans 8:26-27) This gift of tongues is mentioned 57 times in the New Testament!
• INTERPRETATION OF TONGUES: Occasionally, a member of the assembly will speak out some message in tongues. This utterance will be accompanied by an interpretation of its contents. Tongues and interpretation, St. Paul tells us, are the equivalent to the gift of prophecy.
  

Collectively, these gifts are for the building up of God's people. They have existed in one form or another throughout the history of the Christian church. For example, the Orthodox Communions have them listed in their canon law, and many of the monks exhibit them.

PRAYER GROUP
At the present time in the Catholic Church, these “charismatic” gifts are usually experienced in the context of a prayer meeting. The main purpose of prayer meetings is to give glory to God our Father through our Lord Jesus Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit. Most of the meeting consists of praising God with spontaneous prayers and with singing. These periods of prayer will be punctuated by scripture reading, sharing, and prayers for the particular needs of individuals.

During the meeting the charisms will be exercised, although they do not always play a part. The typical meeting follows St. Paul's directive: “When you assemble, one has a psalm, another an instruction, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Everything should be done for building up.” ( I Corinthians 14:26) In another place, St. Paul charges the Christians: “Be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and praying to the Lord in your hearts, giving thanks always and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father.” (Ephesians 5:18-20)

Finally, in one of his earliest writings, St. Paul exhorts Christians to “Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophetic utterances. Test everything; retain what is good. Refrain from every kind of evil.”
( I Thessalonians 5:16-22)

What You try to tell me everyday

ALWAYS YOU AND I
98 degrees

Oh, oh, girl…
It’s so hard to say
How a love could end this way
The one that used to care for you
Just turns and walks away
And it’s so hard to find
To leave the pain behind
When all the things you’re looking for
Your heart can’t seem to find

I’ll be the air that you breathe
I’ll give the strength that you need
I’ll be the light in your eyes
When hope becomes hard to see
I’ll be your shining star
To guide you wherever you are
And I promise that I’ll be by your side
Always you and I

No, you’re not alone
Without a love to call your own
‘Cause I’ll always be right there for you
To help you carry on
A heart that’s always true
Girl, I’m giving mine to you
And everything you’ll ever need
I promise I will do

Girl, you know I’ll stay beside
I will be right there for you
With a hand to hold
A heart to see you through
‘Cause each and every night
I will make you right
When life feels so wrong
‘Cause in my arms is where you belong

oh… oh, girl… oh always you and I

Before I lose it all...but please God that I don't

Hold me close / let Your love surround me / bring me near / draw me to Your side / and as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle / and I will soar with You / your spirit leads me on / by the power of Your love

*******************************

Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
I've never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for

*******************************

I will offer up my life in spirit and truth / pouring out the oil of love as my worship to You / in surrender I must give my every part / Lord, receive the sacrifice of a broken heart

Oh my words could not tell, not even in part / of the debt of love that is owed by this thankful heart

*******************************

Sometimes you just have to receive. It was my turn to sit there and pray with open hands and an open heart. Maybe I could have gotten what I did tonight if I was up there on stage with all of you, but I knew I was exactly where I needed to be.

So for everything you did for me tonight, Heart of Worship, I thank you. Thank you for praising Him and singing the love songs my own heart has so dearly missed...for letting His light shine through you into my own dark corners where I refused to let Him in.

It was also the most beautiful thing to be sitting in between two amazing answered prayers - Gary and Dani - who have introduced Love in a new kind of way to me and Emeline.

Dear God, You really are so good.

"There is a light in this world, a healing spirit more powerful than any darkness we may encounter. We sometimes lose sight of this force when there is suffering, and too much pain. Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge through the lives of ordinary people who have a call and answer in extraordinary ways."
- Mother Teresa

Hey, guess what? I'm human!

I can see Em rolling her eyes now..."Hello, B.anne, I could have told you that."

Well, I'm a little slow, you know. =)

I don't have much time to write at the moment, but I just have to say that lying in bed sick the last couple of days has forced me to accept the fact that I'm not invincible. You would have thought I'd have this all figured out by now since I've had my face split open by a brick wall when I was 12, had surgery in '97 for a cyst, gotten diagnosed with an autoimmune disease 2 years ago, and cried myself to sleep I don't know how many nights in my life over heartaches that I have since healed from (though I have 3 teddy bears on my bed to keep me company through the crying spells nowadays).

In that sense, I'll always be "just like everyone else". I'll always be vulnerable physically and emotionally but how I respond spiritually will make all the difference in the world. I saw in my mind's eye my Jesus kneeling in the garden of Gethsemane with His head in His hands praying for grace, just as I was. My cross felt heavy, but it will never compare to His. This was the revelation given to me at 3 o'clock in the morning last Sunday as I was walking under the star-studded sky of Escondido. Even God was not exempt from personal suffering. So I get it. Again as if for the first time and for the millionth time...I get it.

God is going to fill me with something. This always happens...this emptying myself of self...whenever He has more grace to pour into my heart. It prepared me to read Dr. Schuller's book Turning Hurts into Halos...and it is getting me ready to accept whatever message He will speak tonight at HoW's event. How do I know this? I already saw His smile on the faces of two of my favorite people in the world - Emeline and Robby - who passed by earlier for just a few minutes to pick up my brother's painting. They don't know how much comfort that moment brought me, even if I just saw them for just a short while.

So I'm sure tonight will be GREAT. Praise God...

Christ Frees Us from Fear

Pontifical Household Preacher Comments on Sunday's Readings
ROME, JUNE 17, 2005 (Zenit.org).- In a commentary on this Sunday's readings, Capuchin Father Raniero Cantalamessa, the preacher of the Pontifical Household, proposes that Christ is key to overcoming fear.

* * *

Have No Fear!

The Gospel's dominant theme this Sunday is that Christ frees us from fear. Like illnesses, fears can be acute or chronic. Acute fears are determined by a situation of extraordinary danger. If I am about to be run over by a car, or begin to notice that the earth is moving under my feet because of an earthquake, I am gripped by acute fears. As they arise unexpectedly and without warning, so they disappear as soon as the danger is over, leaving perhaps only a bad memory. They do not depend on us and are natural. More dangerous are chronic fears, those that live with us, which we carry from our birth or childhood, which become part of our being, and which sometimes we end up being attached to.

Fear is not an evil in itself. It is often the occasion to reveal unsuspected courage and strength. Only someone who knows fear knows what courage is. Fear can really become an evil that consumes and does not allow one to live, rather than being a stimulus to react and a spring for action, it can become an excuse for inaction, something that paralyzes. When it is turned into anxiety: Jesus named man's most common anxieties: "'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'" (Matthew 6:31). Anxiety has become the illness of the century, and it is one of the main causes for the multiplication of heart attacks.

We live in anxiety, and that is why we do not live! Anxiety is an irrational fear of an unknown object. To always be afraid of everything, to systematically expect the worst and to always live in a palpitation. If there is no danger, anxiety invents it; if it exists, anxiety magnifies it. The anxious person suffers evils twice over: first in the anticipation and then in the reality. What Jesus condemns in the Gospel is not simple fear so much or just concern for tomorrow, but precisely this anxiety and disquiet. "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day," he said.

But let's stop describing our fears of different sorts and let's try, instead, to see what remedy the Gospel offers us to overcome our fears. The remedy is summarized in one word: to trust God, to believe in Providence and in the heavenly Father's love. The real root of all fears is that of finding oneself alone, like that continuous fear of the child of being abandoned.

And Jesus assures us precisely about this: that we will not be abandoned. "For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me up," says Psalm (27:10). Even if all were to abandon us, the Lord would not. His love is stronger than all.

We cannot leave the topic of fear, however, on this point. It would be less than close to reality. Jesus wants to free us from fears and he always frees us. But he does not have only one way to do so; he has two: he either takes away the fear from our hearts or he helps us to live with it in a new way, more freely, making of it an occasion of grace for ourselves and for others.

He himself wished to live this experience. It is written that, in the Garden of Olives "he began to feel sadness and anxiety." The original text even suggests the idea of a solitary terror, as of someone who feels removed from human association, in an immense solitude. And he wished to experience this precisely to redeem this aspect of the human condition also. Since that day, living in union with him, fear, especially fear of death, has the power to uplift us instead of depressing us, of making us more attentive to others, more understanding, and in a word, more human.

What color Lightsaber do you have?

You have a Purple Lightsaber.

Purple is associated with wisdom, dignity,
independence, creativity, mystery, and magic.
Purple denotes high spirituality and religious
aspiration. Purple also represents Peacefulness
and Purification. It also has a sense of
intuitive understanding and a feeling of
intimacy with the world.

Wake-up call

What I know is useless until it is justly applied. How much knowledge do I possess that has yet to be made into action? There is so much...

"But suppose you call yourself a Jew [Christian]: you have the Law as foundation and feel proud of your God. You know the will of God and the Law teaches you to distinguish what is better, and so you believe you are the guide for the blind, light in the darkness, teacher of those who do not know, instructor of children, because you possess in the Law the formulation of true knowledge. Well, then, you who teach others, why don't you teach yourself?

...the heart's circumcision belongs to the spirit and not to a written law; he who lives in this way will be praised, not by people, but by God." (Rom 2:17-21a, 29b)

The Living Word of God - VERBUM DEI

"I long to see you and share some spiritual blessings with you to strengthen you. In that way, we will encourage each other by sharing our common faith." (Rom 1:11-12)

It's so important to have friends who love God and can share in your joy of loving Him, too. I think that's what's missing for me at work. I know Jesus is there present in the hearts of my coworkers and students, but the smiles that come because we praise and thank Him for all the good that comes to us...somehow it's in my unwritten job description to help my Verb family discover and experience Him in that way.

But it all starts with me. You can't give what you don't have. That's why I feel so drained...it feels like I'm drawing out of an empty well.

That's what the summer's for. I'll still be connected to the campus and the people because I'll be teaching summer school, but the time I have away from Verbum Dei in the afternoons and weekends needs to be spent nourishing my spirit for me and for them.

I said I didn't want to be in charge of anything ever again. Little did I realize that I'm now in charge of more than I ever have been before. Ironic, isn't it?

Director of Spiritual Formation
Verbum Dei High School

Responsibilities include but may not be limited to:

• Adult Faith Formation Program - including Ignatian Formation (2x/month)
• Cristo Rey Network AFF Representative
• California Jesuit Province AFF Representative
• Christian Service Program Coordinator (3-4 Saturday projects/month)
• Monthly liturgies
• 4 Class retreats - Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and 3-day Senior KAIROS
• Board retreat
• Faculty & Staff retreats (1 per semester)
• 3 Sports retreats - Fall, Winter, Spring
• Prayer services - Faculty & Staff Orientation Week, Stations of the Cross; others on an as-needed basis (i.e., Eddie's death, Papal election...hopefully cases like these won't come up again anytime soon)
• Bible Study
• Mentoring support
• Baccalaureate Mass and Graduation
• 2 Religious Studies classes (which will be reduced to 1 next year)
• Administration Team Member
• Leadership Team Member

It's overwhelming to look at this list but in some strange way it also brings some comfort because I know that if I give it all to God and allow the Holy Spirit to move and take over, some amazing things will be happening at our school. It's going to take some time to establish the programs and build our "spiritual culture", especially in our ecumenical community efforts, but it has been a great year considering that many of us were new on the job.

"For though we cannot see Him, we can at least discover Him through His works; for He created the world and through His works we understand Him to be eternal and all-powerful, and to be God." (Rom 1:20)

My job isn't to simply get things done, per say. I'm in the business of drawing souls into the heart of God...to help them come to know Him and love Him because He is real, because we need Him in everything we do at the school and in every aspect of our lives. So now that I know how to go about making it all happen, I can take this next year and really focus on our relationship with Him. Who is God to Verbum Dei?

He brings us our students, our teachers, and our staff. He inspires us to get up every morning and drive into the inner city where most people are afraid to live and work. He gives us the strength to get through the difficult days...to be patient with the boys and with each other because we know that we all have a purpose in being there. God provides job opportunities for each one our students through the generosity of the corporate sponsors who believe in our mission as a Cristo Rey school. He moves the hearts of donors who give freely so that we can grow and develop as a campus. He holds things together when we feel that they're falling apart. He holds us close in our pain when we suffer the loss of one of our own. He motivates us to serve the children we tutor and the homeless we feed...to clean the beaches not many people care about and build homes for the less fortunate across the border. He dwells in the middle of our grounds as He waits in the tabernacle of our chapel for us to remember that He's there physically - Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity - to be the source and summit of our Christian lives.

God is everything to Verbum Dei.

Without Him, we would not have survived this long. With Him, our school has known the meaning of Resurrection...of hope...of transformation and new life. Miracles happen everyday to keep it alive and we often take it for granted, myself included.

Thank you, Lord. That's all I needed to see.

At the End-of-the-Year Luncheon w/Susan, Irene, and Ana

Fr. Scott Santarosa, SJ (Chaplain, partner and "Kuya") and Fr. John Weling, SJ (Verb President)

Seniors at OLA Cathedral Verbum Dei Graduation '05 - Jason, Dwayne, Marcus, Joe, Donald, Justin, Andre and Vince

"Through Him, Jesus Christ, our Lord, and for the sake of His Name, we received the grace and mission in all the nations, for them to accept the faith. All of you, the elected of Christ, are part of them...called to be holy..." (Rom 1:5-6)

Basta Ikaw

Theme from "The Cardinal"

Should my heart not be humble, should my eyes fail to see
Should my feet sometimes stumble on the way, stay with me
Like a lamb that in springtime, wanders far from the fold
Come the darkness and the frost, I get lost, I grow cold

I grow cold, I grow weary, and I know I have sinned
And I go seeking shelter and I cry in the wind

Though I grope, and I blunder and I'm weak, and I'm wrong
though the road buckles under where I walk, walk alone
Till I find to my wonder every path leads to Thee
All that I can do is pray, "stay with me, stay with me."

******************************
Some time ago, three friends of mine invited me to a retreat that became one of many turning points in my life. I spent three days emptying myself of everything that stood in the way of my relationship with Jesus. The experience broke me down in a way that none other could...to the point where I knew I was nothing without Him. It hurt, but then it healed me.

I remember climbing down the ladder from the loft in the middle of the night and being drawn into the disco to Kuya Jess. Yes, it seemed that the staffers were keeping vigil, but in reality, He was keeping vigil over us.

That weekend I knew that I was loved. I had known before, but this time it was different. He still seemed so far away, as if He was not allowing me to get attached to any kind of feeling per say. Yet His presence slowly permeated my heart. Permeated. My sister really likes that word, so I thought I'd use it in a sentence for her. =)

For the invitation, I will always be grateful. Dorothy, Jei Franxis, and Leo - you were the "angels" who joined me in the world of sorrow that enfolded me throughout the Days experience. You shared a treasure that rescued me from that darkness...the darkness that I had to face and leave at the foot of the Cross in order to see the light of the Resurrection.

And to those who wrapped their arms around me and held my hand along the journey - Noreen, Eileen, Francia, Dianne, Emily, Arlene, Mina, and my sisters of Batch #29: Angie, Flo, Marites, Kathy, and the rest - whether you ever get to read this or not - I lift my prayers up to the heavens for you. I learned from you that everything I was given and all that will ever receive is to be taken with open hands and an open heart.

Basta ikaw, Lord. All for you. All for you...

Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Water from the side of Christ, wash me
Passion of Christ, give me strength
Hear me, Jesus, hide me in Thy wounds
And never leave my side
From all the evil that surrounds me, defend me
And when the call of death arrives, bid me come to Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints forever.

- St. Ignatius of Loyola

You can only be you

You will never be a duplicate of another human being nor will another human being be a duplicate of you. When asking God who He made you to be, He will not answer you with the name of a saint who has already lived. Their mission is done. You, on the other hand, have a mission of your own to fulfill. He will not ask you to change your personality and demand that you fit into a cookie cutter "holy person" mold. All He will ask of you is that you love Him as you are from where you are.

All it takes

Where it all began


...and continues today


...to the Days with Kuya Jess


...along the winding road of life


...to where I was called to trust


...and know where I came from


...so that I could find hope again


...in order to realize the amazing beauty in my life

Rules for Living

If you open it, close it.

If you turn it on, turn it off.

If you unlock it, lock it up.

If you break it, admit it.

If you can't fix it, call in someone who can.

If you borrow it, return it.

If you value it, take care of it.

If you make a mess, clean it up.

If you move it, put it back.

If it belongs to someone else and you want to use it, get permission.

If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone.

If it's none of your business, don't ask questions.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If it will brighten someone else's day, say it.

If it will tarnish someone else's reputation, keep it to yourself.

******************************

PICTURE OF THE DAY


Leilani, Ahlauna, and Elijah - Maui 2004

The roses that grew out of the thorns

1. God allows us to make our own choices...
2. ...but He speaks through: circumstances, wiser more experienced elders in the Church or in your family, the peace that fills your heart.
3. Sharing your spirituality with someone is a very intimate exchange - it's like baring your soul before another person, not knowing how they'll react once you do.
4. What your mind learns may be forgotten, but what your heart learns remains forever.
5. There is a type of friendship that can be experienced among people that moves beyond this world. You might not understand it at first, but you are not the first to receive it. However, there are boundaries that must be made aware of and kept at all times to avoid complications.
6. As your knowledge grows, there comes along what are called Tests...or opportunities to apply what you have learned in real-life situations.
7. When all else fails you, there is always God.
8. Do not put anyone on a pedestal. It's cruel and unjust to have unrealistic expectations of another human being. God would rather have us lay prostrate on the ground, so please don't in your own mind put them in a place they were never meant to be.
9. When tempted to judge another person in their sin or failing, remember when you also fell and turned away from God in your weakness. Everyone is given the chance to start over, so when tempted to condemn, pray for their conversion/reversion.
10. Mercy and forgiveness are two of the most beautiful gifts you could ever give to someone.
11. Sometimes it's best just to stay silent and not defend yourself.
12. We don't have a right to any one person in this world. They are given to us as gifts to be borrowed for some time and must be returned after use to the original Owner with as little damage as possible.
13. Funny how a short play could be so cleansing (thanks, IR cast and crew!).
14. For any major decision or situation in life, a million and one different opinions will surround you. You have to go where or how God is drawing you to serve.
15. Time heals all wounds.

Questions

Of course there are answers to all the things we wonder about ourselves and our path in life. When sharing these questions with others, they often very freely volunteer their "what I would do if I were you" solutions. What can be difficult, however, is figuring it all out yourself, especially when your mind and your heart are saying two totally different things...or when some of the answers aren't as clear...or when you're praying and you think it's God's voice but you're afraid that it could really be you saying what you'd want to hear.

I've been blessed with people in my life who always seem to have everything together. I rarely see them make a mistake or feel afraid or discouraged. These people inspire me because they have such great faith and confidence in God that there isn't much of anything that they worry about. Sometimes I think outsiders see me this way as well, but in recent years, I've chosen to reveal a little more to the ones who have walked closely with me and for their own understanding needed to see that I am human, too. See, I never wanted anyone to know that I had fallen or failed in any way because it hurt too much to be laughed at or criticized so harshly. So I tried to play "perfect" for so long...and it worked for most people believed it...but when I desperarately needed help, when I needed someone to be there and listen...to tell me that it was okay to be where I was at because I was going to learn something from it...that didn't come until I let people into my heart - into the brokenness of my soul - and allowed them to see how I have struggled through my days.

So at this moment, I'm thinking how I fell in love with Jesus many years ago. I'm remembering why I was so moved when I first went to the Shroud Center and saw how tortured and humiliated He was...a man, our God, who never deserved any of it. That visit changed the way I saw the world, bringing into focus the stark reality of human nature...of sin. It was the same feeling I had when I walked the grounds and into the cells of Auschwitz...when I understood how cruel people can be if you are not what they see as acceptable.

And then I saw glimpses of my own darkness...times when I was not charitable or compassionate...when I refused to treat people with the dignity they deserved, blind to the God I said I loved who lived in each of them. Moments come back to me when all I chose to think about was myself and the kind of world I wanted instead of stepping out of my box and into the lives of those who silently cried out in their sadness and personal pain.

I look at myself in the mirror and whisper the word that Jesus used to describe the Pharisees who could not humble themselves for the sake of others.

Hypocrite.

Praise God for those who choose to see good in me. But right now I must dare to acknowledge my own pride and selfishness...the two vices from which all my sins past and present have come from. If I do not see what it is that I am fighting against in myself, I will never develop the opposite virtue. I cannot believe that I don't have any flaws. I cannot believe that I am already a saint. Sometimes Satan leads me to think that I'm so good that I don't need God's mercy...that I don't have to depend on Him for anything because I'm the one who keep myself holy by the things I have said or done.

I need Jesus as much as the serial killer on death row.

He died for me, too. He's my Savior. There's nothing I could ever do to save myself.

"Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs." (Luke 12:1-3)

Random

Just got this from Fr. Fernando...I thought it was pretty funny. =)

Sometimes we don't realize what we're actually made of until someone has the insight to look beyond the outside.

...and of course, a very Happy Birthday to my beloved BiL Robby Moya!!!

Hello, friends!

Look who's visiting...

Alaine - wow, you're almost out of high school! Hope you're having fun at all your senior festivities! We'll definitely have to schedule another hangout date before you leave for Merced. yay!

Burr (BiL #1) - Congratulations on your graduation! I really wish I could have been at the ceremony...but dinner was GREAT! You and my sister are so cute. I like watching you guys dance...hehe. By now you should be in Vegas knocked out on the floor, but I'm sure in a few hours you'll all be grubbing at some yummy buffet. =)

isda - Always a fun time with you, hijo. Sorry about the chicken head...I didn't know it would give you a heart attack...hahaha =p The photographer thought you looked pretty amusing last night clinking your two wine glasses...she kept taking pictures of you. Yes, it's all about Lisa Lisa! Shell said you're such a bundle of energy. Good thing you didn't have another apparition on your back! =)

Em - Yay for everything! I'm so glad you're in my life. So much has happened with you and with me over the last year, and it's such a beautiful thing to be able to watch each other grow and arrive at a place where we can smile no matter what happens. Thank you for your support and for always being there to talk to. I've learned so much from you...and I just have to say that in no way have I "passed you up" in faith because you still continue to inspire me with all God chooses to say through you. I LOVE YOU!

jme - There's so much to God that we could go on for hours and hours and never run out of things to talk about. I love how He blessed me with you so that I can be encouraged along the straight and narrow path. Whenever I'm with you, you remind me of who He made me to be. You give my soul that certain "I am so at home" feeling, and I have to thank you for that. How wonderful it is to be able to rest and be fed in that way...

Leo -You are missed as well, friend! Your prayers have helped so much. It's great to have that constant backup because with us, there's always a need. I've been praying for you, too. God's will to be revealed to you, God's love to be poured on to you, God's grace to give you strength in all you do.

Noreen - hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! (with a big smile) Being at my best friend's wedding yesterday just got me more excited for yours! Four more months! I will lift you and Michael up and ask our Lord to continue to guide you in preparation for such a blessed life together. How amazing it us that He blesses us the way that He does...

mikedooks (BiL #2) - You know why I think you're so cool? Cuz you're all about keeping life simple. I'm really glad things are falling into place for you and that you and Lyn-lyn are happy. It's great how God dropped you into her life and you just seemed to fit. I'm very, very grateful for you! =)

Jay - Seeing your tag was like finding out that Jesus resurrected from the dead! Well, not really, but you know what I mean...haha. Reading your words brought back the lessons we had learned way back, and it made me appreciate the journey God had taken us on, even if it was a difficult one. Thanks for being my cheerleader behind the scenes, my friend, and for returning back to the blog world just to root me on. It means a lot...

Caroline - Well, hello there! Yes, praise God for opportunities to serve Him! Your faithfulness and your fire are evidence of where you are storing up your treasures, and it will be quite the experience to see the reward that Heaven will be for your "Yes" to Him. I find it so uplifting to know that there are laborers in the field like you who commit themselves to building God's kingdom in a world where so few see the benefits of the life of sacrificial love. Blessings to you!

Maurice - Hi, cousin! Without fail, here you are offering your positive pep talk like you always do. Some things happen totally outside of our control, but prayer gives us the chance to hand the situations back over to God. That I've been able to do this past week, so thank you for your prayers. My heart is not as heavy as I expected it to be. =)

Gary - I just have to say that I am having such a great time with you. From the depths of my heart, I meant it when I said that you make the love of God real to me in a way that I have never experienced before. So, no, this isn't "loving again"...for me, it's being shown for the first time what sacrifice in the life of another looks like...what it means to receive without question...seeing the goodness of another far beyond a wounded past. The feelings may come and go, as they say, but I pray the gratitude will remain forever. Thank you for entering into my story and wanting to be a part of it...the part that makes people who read it smile, and sometimes even cry. So we'll just keep writing until we can't write anymore, but like you said, "Love is stronger than death" so I guess that means there won't be an end. It'll just be a happy eternity. I love you. =)

The search for happiness

Some people will be searching their whole lives for happiness while making everyone around them completely miserable. I don't understand it. Just got some pretty disturbing news and I just don't get how they can't just let things go. Years and years of bitterness and jealousy over things that they will never find complete security in.

You can't get your way all the time. Life doesn't work that way. You just have to accept what you have and be grateful for it instead of jeopardizing the only relationships that might ever amount to any worth in your life.

Everyone gets hurt. Everyone gets offended. More often than not, the "guilty party" was someone who did not intend to cause so much pain. But hearts that do not know how to forgive will eventually grow hard and cold...and even evil.

No, it didn't have to come to this. How many more casualities are we going to suffer because of someone's inability to settle these issues peacefully? God forbid that anything tragic will happen. We don't need to see that again.

It's true...sometimes you just have to stay away from people who bring you more harm than good, even if they're supposed to be good friends or even family members. You have to stand your ground and defend yourself from their negativity and selfishness. I really hate to put it that way, but even those you thought would love you enough to understand can distort and misinterpret your actions, making you look like the bad guy when all you're doing is acting in everyone's best interests.

It's not fair.

But injustice is always subject to God's mercy.

We need to forgive, even if they don't forgive us for not even doing anything wrong. In so many different situations have I had to come back to this, and that's the attitude I have to take on once again.

Silence.

Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord.

There's so much I could say in anger...but I won't.

It's not worth it.

It really isn't worth it.

Lessons

Set your own pace.
When someone is pushing you,
it's ok to tell them they're pushing.
Take nothing for granted........
watch water flow, the corn grow, the leaves blow, your neighbors mow.
Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive.
Rest isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.
Listen to the wind blow.
It carries a message of yesterday and tomorrow...
And now.........Now counts.

Rest on your laurels.
They bring comfort whatever their size, age or condition.
Talk slower. Talk less. Don't talk.
Communication isn't measured by words.
Give yourself permission to be late sometimes.
Life is for living, not scheduling.
Listen to the song of a bird...the complete song.
Music and nature are gifts,
but only if you are willing to receive them.

Slow down. God is still in heaven.
You are not responsible for doing it all...yourself... right now.
Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past.
Rest there.
Each moment has a richness that takes a lifetime to savor.
Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn or possess.
God's gifts just are.
Be grateful and their purpose will be clear.

When you walk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next.
Thoughts will spring up naturally if you let them.
Talk and play with children,
It will bring out the unhurried little person inside you.
Create a place in your home...at your work....in your heart...where you can go for quiet and recollection.
You deserve it.
Take time to think.

Action is good and necessary, but it's fruitful only if we muse, ponder and mull.
Make time for play...the things you like to do.
Whatever your age, your inner child needs re-creation.
Watch and listen to the night sky.It speaks.
Listen to the words you speak... especially in prayer.

Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders.
There will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.
Divide big jobs into little jobs.
If God took six days to create the universe, can you do any better?
Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and efficiency.
The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning,
not the one who finishes first.

Take a day off alone...... make a retreat.
You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one.
Pet a furry friend.
You will give and get the gift of now.
Work with your hands....It frees the mind.
Take time to wonder....without wonder, life is merely an existence.
Sit in the dark...It will treat you to see and hear, taste and smell.
Once in awhile, turn down the lights, the throttle, the invitations.
Less really can be more.
Let go.

Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do...but often it is the best.
Taste your food. God gave it to delight as well as nourish.
Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set.
They are remarkable for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.
And as you ramble on through life my dearest friend........
Keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole.
AND SLOWLY COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS ONE AT A TIME.

I never would've thought...

Dear Graduates...

I will tell you honestly that I was quite surprised to get a phone call from Monica asking me to speak at Pinoy Grad. Being only five years removed from the place where you are all at right now, I consider myself a "nobody" in the Pilipino-American community. At past graduation ceremonies, we have been graced with the likes of university professors and community action leaders...Pilipino-American men and women who have had a wealth of experience to glean from.

And me? Hmm...I'm just like you. A little older, yes, but with much in common as far as having hopes inspiring me for the future and fears that sometimes haunt me. I can attempt to show you a world that I have lived in through the lenses I have worn since I graduated, but today I think it may be more helpful to you that I focus on something that we all share...and that, my brothers and sisters, is called a story.

A story. Everybody has one. They have many of the same elements - birth, death, success, failure, love, rejection, joy, sorrow. We have all experienced glorious triumphs and suffered the woundedness in a broken heart. There are characters in our stories who have supported us along our journey and others who have consciously or unconsciously undermined our worth. Some were minor characters that walked with us for only a little while, and there are those who were given major roles to play in our growth as individuals.

I want you to take a moment and think of your own story. In your mind's eye, picture the settings in which the development of your story took place and continue to provide the environment for you to be both nurtured and challenged. Recall the people who reached out to you...who taught you how to love, how to serve, how to believe, how to forgive. Draw from within your heart the conflicts that strengthened you and the resolutions that your greatest life lessons came from. Be thankful for it all because every aspect has brought you to this place.

And in this moment, take the time to appreciate the fact that you also are a part of the stories of those you encounter everyday. Reflect on how you are teaching others as you learn...how you are touching the lives of your family and friends by just sitting here in your cap and gown, being an inspiration to those who see something in you that they deeply admire. Most importantly, know that you are so very loved, and through the light that shines within your soul, love pours out of you.

Now just as every story has a conclusion, so will yours as well. People's stories have ended in a number of different ways - some victorious, some tragic, some peaceful, some chaotic - but each had a moral in his or her story. There is always an opportunity for insight - a lesson to be learned from the life of a person. As you go on to write the rest of your story, what kind of a legacy will you leave behind? Will people want to pass these lessons on? What about your life can encourage those who walk a similar path and face the same obstacles you have?

I mentioned when I first got up here that I'm not much different from all of you, at least in the sense that there is still much in my own life that I need to figure out. At times I'm almost afraid to make choices because I'm afraid that I'll make a mistake and be fully responsible for what I chose for myself. But last night my sister threw a quote at me that I had underlined in a book of mine called "The Purpose Driven Life", and it goes like this: "You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many other parts in your life, but you don't get to choose your purpose."

Your life's purpose - my life's purpose - is something that we DISCOVER. We meet people and it is they who often tell us through their gratitude and positive feedback that there is a reason why we were placed in their lives...a reason why we are where we are. And this is why it is so valuable to me to, in a sense, "reread" my story...to go back and to see how it has unfolded over the years and led me to this point...to this second as I'm standing here before you on the campus where I spent some of the best and most difficult years of my life. I look at your faces and see the ones who have been written into the pages of my book...the ones who add color and meaning to my experiences. I stand here and I am grateful for you who I do not know but are working so hard to carry on dreams that I had ten years ago when I began my early years as a college student in PAC and Kappa Psi Epsilon. Thanks to you, this journey has been - and continues to be - absolutely amazing.

As you start a new chapter in your lives, I'd like to leave you with a passage that I believe sums up the essence of our stories. I saw this taped to the wall in my brother's room soon after my dad passed away under a picture of the two of them. I was immediately moved by it because it showed how my father had unknowingly played such an important role in Albert's growth as a person despite the often strained relationship they had before he died.

"I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can do, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it. For I shall never pass this way again."

As an author sometimes never sees the fruit of his work as it is borne in the hearts of his readers, you may never in this lifetime witness the influence that your story has on the people who are touched by it. So I ask you to be patient with yourself as you live it out - this story of yours - because there is a time and a season for everything. And move forward with the knowledge that you only have one draft to submit that is being read as you write it, so for the sake of all who could someday be changed by it, either positively or negatively, make it a good one.

Why Women Cry

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

Where is God?

EVERYWHERE.

And if God is love, that means that love is everywhere. Reading through Emeline's entry on love, that's such a comfort to know. We often focus too much on what's going wrong in our lives that we lose sight of what's going right. We are LOVED! Every day, every minute...not a millisecond goes by that we are not loved. Whether we feel it or not, that love is there...otherwise we would be saying that God is absent...which is never true...unless we ourselves push Him away...then we would be rejecting love.

Dear little heart,

Sometimes you feel like you're going to burst because you have so much love you want to give. Other times in your past, you wanted to keep the doors shut and not allow the love to flow because you were afraid that it would break you. But you are being held together by the hands of God, so there is never a reason to fear.

Have you noticed that you no longer feel the same pain you have carried from your childhood? Gone is the heartache that caused you to close yourself to the world. If you are to live as you were created then you must continue on with a renewed purity...as a child so innocently trusts. Years have graced you with understanding and experience has taught you wisdom...but don't ever lose that openness to love.

Temptations to despair will haunt you and questions about your self-worth will pierce you, but always come back to the Lord who made you and let Him tell you again and again who you are to Him.

There is much in you that is beautiful because you are the mystical tabernacle of God.

"Those who fear the Lord keep their hearts ready and humble themselves in His presence saying, 'Let us fall into the hands of the Lord and not into the hands of men, for great as His power is His mercy.' " (Sir 2:17-18)

It feels so familiar

...but still something new about it.

Life.

It changes but stays the same.

Work is different...new...evolving. Prayer request from Jay...felt as though I was pulling graces from prayers years ago, if that's possible. Caught up with Fr. Scott re: life and Gary...a movement forward. Passed by the Teacher Supplies store on Beach Blvd...familiar. I was asked if I was a teacher by a random teenage customer. She asked where I teach...no, not St. Paul anymore...but it brought back memories. Picked up some things from Stater Bros. Remembered going there with my dad after Mass when I was younger. Call from Danny...new "dad". SPV Mass at 5:15 w/Fr. Grace...saw Jason...flashbacks of the "Hope" days. Getting ready for Junior Retreat...things that come so naturally...giving God every moment of preparation...like LSS anticipation. Got home early, which is rare for me...cleaned out my trunk...did laundry...read the latest edition of Orange County Catholic...folded Jenn's wedding programs. I haven't had a day like this in a long time. Actually, I haven't had a day like this ever. So different but so "the same".

Like right now...I remember so much but yet my days continue into a tomorrow that holds so many blessings. Aware of the crosses I carry but experiencing the beauty that comes with them.
Lyn-lyn asked me about lifting up suffering. I told her to focus on one person and devote every pain to his or her conversion. She mentioned a friend's name, and then this past weekend I saw her heart reaching out to that soul in her own little way.

I think it was after communion that I heard a word whispered clearly in my heart. RECONCILIATION. I thought of the story I told Jaymee about Leilani putting a sticker on my shirt after I apologized to her for getting upset a while back. That's going to be my meditation this week...praying that I will learn something about healing from that blessed moment. If only it were as simple as giving out stickers to show that everything's okay...

I just have to say that I love what God has been giving me lately...great conversations with Jaymee...Emeline's inspiring blog entries...messages from my St. Paul kids...Sheree's fire...the desire to go back to Daily Mass...renewed openness with my mom...quality family time (Ate Lisa's baby shower was so FUN!).

And I'm thankful for Gary's prayers that I can somehow feel from the other side of the world. Four more days until I see that smile again. =)

This, I know, has everything to do with You, Jesus. You're drawing me back into Your Heart...

AMDG + JMJ

And the Holy Spirit came down upon them...

PRAYER FOR THE SEVEN GIFTS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
Provided by St. Peter Chanel Catholic Church

O Lord Jesus Christ, Who before ascending into heaven did promise to send the Holy Spirit to finsh Your work in the souls of Your Apostles and Disciples, deign to grant the same Holy Spirit to me that He may perfect in my soul, the work of Your grace and Your love.

Grant me the Spirit of Wisdom that I may despise the perishable things of this world and aspire only after the things that are eternal; the Spirit of Understanding to enlighten my mind with the light of Your divine truth; the Spirit of Counsel that I may ever choose the surest way of pleasing God and gaining heaven; the Spirit of Fortitude that I may bear my cross with You and that I may overcome with courage all the obstacles that oppose my salvation; the Spirit of Knowledge that I may know God and know myself and grow perfect in the science of the Saints; the Spirit of Piety that i may find the service of God sweet and amiable; and the Spirit of Fear that I may be filled with a loving reverence towards God and may dread in any way to displease Him. Mark me, dear Lord, with the sign of Your true disciples, and animate me in all things with Your Spirit. Amen.

It's FRIDAY!

...but I have to come back at 7:30 tomorrow morning to chaperone our Christian service project at LA Food Bank. First time there - it should be fun! Then I'll be off to Ate Lisa's baby shower...and I'll see you folks on Sunday at the Pentecost Picnic!!!

I was subbing for Br. Rich's 6th period class (the juniors were good to me...haha), and I found this as I was flipping through the Senior religion book. I thought it was pretty cool.

Love squared = gold
Love + one = family
Love - one = mourning
Love halved = heartache
Love divided by one = commitment
Love divided by many = friendship
Love times zero = loneliness
Love times infinity = God

The peace has returned...thank you, Lord. Have a great weekend, everybody!

TO DO (I need to clear my head...continuing from Monday's AFF session in laying all our things-to-do before God):

• call Br. Robert
• get supplies for Junior Retreat
• buy snacks for Junior Retreat
• finalize agenda + map and send to chaperones
• make Aldo's Book of Revelation packet
• send cap measurement to Dr. Maram
• lesson plans for next week
• sub plan for Wednesday
• grade Gospel of Matthew tests
• write out Pinoy Grad speech
• make copies of CDs for Sharon
• request check for KAIROS deposit
• call Carla on Thursday for music (Memorial Day liturgy and Baccalaureate Mass)
• get readings from Fr. John
• get seniors to fill in Mass roles (Bacc.)
• write up for Student Handbook on Jesuit and SVD traditions
• write Cristo Rey spiritual reflection for the Network
• ask about flight and car arrangements for St. Louis trip

I'm seriously praying through my work right now...that and Jenn's wedding...I have a to-do list for that, too. Now I'm getting the importance of inviting God into everything I do instead of waiting to call on Him only when I'm in church. But let me tell you, the Eucharist is doing so much to keep me going...weak or strong...I'm still here.

Aloha!

It was Free Dress Hawaiian Day at work...we told the guys the whole faculty and staff at Verbum Dei is going to Hawaii as soon as school gets out...oh how I wish, I wish, I wish...

Will someone please get me on a plane to the islands?

It was the peacock a couple of weeks ago that started this whole thing...then seeing everyone in their Aloha shirts and leis...not to mention the pina coladas in the Faculty Lounge after school (hey, I only had one).

"I wanna go back to my little grass shack in old Hawaii..."

I picked up our bridesmaids dresses for Jenn's wedding today...they're so cute! Mine is different from everyone else's...same color...longer...yay =) I can't believe it's only two weeks away. It's been great hanging out with the Monks more often. My mom just found out today that we call ourselves "Monks" and why...haha...after all these years... We'll all see each other tomorrow again to finalize the shoe deal (hopefully). It's nice that this wedding has brought us back together. I love those girls.

And I miss my boyfriend. Like you said, Gary, it's hard but this is how it is. Thinking about you lots, though...especially after all of our great talks and quality time before you left. Soon enough we'll have the summer to hit our movie list and places-to-go list. How fun that's gonna be...but then no matter what we do (or don't do), it's always a great time. And someday we'll actually get around to reading through the Bible. Wow, progress, huh? Emails, once-in-a-blue-moon phone calls, random hangouts, Monday Masses, nightly prayer, God-given moments that seem to leave us speechless. Not having you here to just say hi or call me at night has been weird, but it is helping me appreciate this a whole lot more. Lyn-Lyn asked me today if you were back yet and it made me a little sad, but I'll be okay. =)

So I've been spending a lot of time with Jesus...definitely a good thing. Work, rest, Mass, Chastity Retreat, sleep. Monday ended early with our AFF session about how tired we are by this time of the year...it was a good "release" w/everyone. On Tuesday, Jana and I went to meet with the Director of Liturgy at the OLA Cathedral to discuss graduation next month. The place is way huge for a class of 41, but for one reason or another, we got it there...first one ever in the archdiocese, too. Please pray that the boys behave. =) Lector meeting with Danny that night (which really helped me reflect better for tonight's Mass) and grabbed something to eat afterwards w/Ray since we were both hungry. Good convo...helped me remind myself of what's expected of me...that God always has to come first and everything else will fall into place when you're faithful to what He wants for you. Emotionally speaking, it's been quite a roller coaster (that was my Wednesday), but praise God for coworkers who understand and share in the common heartache. It only hurts when you really love. I guess I realized how much I do...

Okay, time to get ready for Mass.

Jesus is WONDERFUL. I love every moment I spend with Him. And that desperate dependence on Him I was talking about that I thought I needed to feel...well, yeah, He let me feel it. That's what brought me back. Lots of good coming out nowadays in my own life and those around me. We just have to look for it, that's all.

Really...I'm going now...

Today is a new day

I'm okay. Thank you, Gary, for calling me from Australia even if I didn't get to talk to you and you probably won't read this until you get back next Friday. I really needed to hear your voice.

God is hearing my prayers. He really is.

They really don't know

Lord,

I didn't know how much it would hurt, but it feels like they thrust a dagger into my heart. They have no idea what their words did to me...how attacked I felt...how fragile I really am. I have to forgive them. They didn't know. How could they?

No one would understand. No one...except for You and me...so I can't expect anyone to be extra-careful with me. People are people, and they'll say whatever they feel or think...not realizing how much damage they can do in a minute's time.

It feels like I'm holding in a fountain of tears. How much longer can I keep myself from breaking?

DAY 3

Daily Mass is GREAT. Yes, I'm trying to get back into the routine again because I know what I can give to God. I need it, I really do...

Veronica, Jacinta, Christina, Paul, Nathan, Dave...just some kids I've met at SPC who make me smile. I also saw Sydney, one of my students at the Chastity Retreat last night and she told me how much she loved Emeline's poem. I gave each of the girls a copy of it along with a white shell rose as a gift for Confirmation...which was awesome, by the way. =) Great things are always happening in the lives of the people at that parish, and it's so exciting to be able to share it with others.

I was talking to my coworker Jana yesterday on our way back from the Cathedral and we were saying that sometimes we just want to be able to see what is in store for us 5 or 10 years down the road. The thought, I'm sure, would surprise Gary because I don't normally think ahead all that much, but I do feel a certain excited anticipation for new experiences and paths that God plans for me to take.

Hopeful...that's the word he uses to describe us...and I'm feeling that now in regards to everything in my future. Staying humble and close to God will help me remain faithful and less afraid. I think being around the kids has made me see how personal our individual walks with Christ continue to be, yet how connected we are as one Body.

As Mrs. Perez said to me last night, if we give Jesus even a little, He'll pour so much more into our hearts to the point where we feel like we don't even deserve it all.

Right now, I just feel extremely loved.

Praise God for my sister

God always makes roses grow out of thorns.

I have to trust Him more. If my sister can do it, so can I. She reminded me tonight of His love and His great mercy. If I can just remember how close He always is, maybe I wouldn't be so hesitant about life.

After all, I have such a beautiful reason to smile...

Better to be kind

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. ~Author Unknown

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again. ~Og Mandino

The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you. ~John E. Southard

I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again. ~William Penn

The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own. ~Benjamin Disraeli

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FOR YOU ALONE, LORD JESUS...

Why would anyone become a victim soul of the Holy Eucharist? I will answer this one after you pause to answer: Why does Jesus will to come down to us in such humble forms of Bread and wine? Why does He allow Himself to be placed in our Tabernacles? Why does He stay when there is no one to visit Him..He remains there night and day..why?

One who offers himself/herself as a victim soul does not do it for any other reason but to bring consolation and joy to the Eucharistic Jesus who Himself desires souls who will bring comfort to His Loving Heart..He longs for souls who will offer every moment of their lives as gratitude towards Him for coming to us in such a Humble State as the Most Holy Eucharist..Souls who will make reparation for the countless souls who though present before the Holy of Holies, never even stop to whisper a greeting of "hello" or gratitude..

Victim souls are not any different than anyone else save in their largeness of heart and generosity..Consiously upon waking they make a simple act to the Eucharistic Jesus of their day, promising to try to exemplify in their lives all those virtues which the Eucharistic Jesus manifests to them in the Sacrament of the Most Holy Eucharist: humility, simplicity, obedience, hiddenness, purity, and patience.

Whenever occasion arises, with all humility and meekness, they strive to teach others to love and reverence the Holy Eucharist..Not pompously or pridefully but in a humble ..unasuming way..so to lead others to understand the greatness of the gift we have in Eucharist..Jesus, Himself..

No set formula or words are necessary for the soul who desires to offer himself/herself as eucharist victim souls..but only is necessary the desire to bring to the Heart of Jesus .. a soul loving and willing to offer every moment of one's life for the promotion of greater reverance and love for the Eucharistic Jesus.

Everything is an offering

All of it...joys and pain...passing through the hands of Mary to Jesus who then gives it to the Father.

Tonight I look at myself and don't really know what to say. Maybe I don't have to say anything because I've said too much already.

We all stumble around, trying to figure life out, but sometimes you just have to accept that you don't have all the answers. You don't always know what to do in every situation. You don't always have the right words or the right attitude or the right anything. Everything you do seems all wrong.

But God...He still loves us. No matter what we've done...no matter how many times we've tripped and fallen down...He's right there with an outstretched hand, picking us up and drawing us into His arms.

How do I know this?

Because I see bits and pieces of His love reflected in my family. It's that unconditional support and acceptance...the love that flows so freely from their hearts, even if we have years of emotional struggle behind us.

I see it in the people who don't even know me, but do everything they can to reach out and say thank you, or to share their experiences with me because they somehow connect with mine.

It's in my friends who are always spiritually beside me carrying me with their prayers...who will see me through the thick and thicker...who do their best to understand the hard-to-understand in me.

It comes to me through Gary whose steadfast commitment has shown me that no amount of fear or doubt or worry can stop what God calls him to do for me. I hear the voice of Jesus as Gary speaks to me, saying, "I'm not getting off this cross."

So many graces abound, and it's my only protection from the enemy's attacks...graces that come through the prayers of everyone I know, prayers of the saints, prayers of Our Blessed Mother.

As much as I question...as much as the insecurities start to creep in, all of this love crowds the darkness out.

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TIDBITS...

• I saw a peacock today. Yeah, in real life. Like right in front of me.
• My mom is notorious for introducing S/saints into my life - through her I have met Mama Mary, Pope John Paul II, St. Therese, St. Gianna Molla, my dad, Uncle Tony, Auntie Vicky, Mother Angelica, St. Maximillian Kolbe, St. Faustina, and my brother and sisters
• I praise God for Joshua Harris and everything he believes in.
• Everyone has a story that seems so ordinary to them but becomes extraordinary to those who hear it.
• Prayers really do work...thanks, everyone.
• Sometimes what you plan is replaced by something so much better.
• Suffering well can get another soul into heaven and you might not even know it.
• Prejudging people is dangerous. Ask always for the eyes of God when encountering another human being.
• EWTN is the best channel ever...and it was founded on a miracle.

Thank you, St. Anthony, for helping me find the pieces of my broken spirit. This day was AWESOME just because I know that Jesus was with each person I saw and spoke to. I didn't even have to look very far because they were either a visit or a phone call away.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit as it was in the beginning and ever shall be world without end. Amen.

The Woman and the Wisdom

Taken from Tessa Bielecki's Teresa of Avila: Ecstacy and Common Sense

"St. Teresa was born with a warrior's heart locked inside a woman's body. This produced a tension in her so crucifying and yet so creative it tore her apart, then restored her to wholeness on the highest levels of human integration and intimacy with the Divine."

"Deep in her heart, she began to nurture a silent revolution."

"Through years of travel and trials, through enemies without and even within the Church and the Carmelite Order, through health that steadily worsened, Teresa's courage did not waver. Her warrior's heart was ever 'manly' and 'determined to fight.' She poured out all her energy and spent all her blood, her passionate love for Christ her King shining wherever she went."

"No wonder we have to pay what seems to us a high price," Teresa wrote. "The time will come when you will understand how trifling everything is next to so precious a reward."

"Her warrior's heart began to fail, and her pulse grew dim. She who had burned so long with the light of Christ, at last burned out for Him. She died on October 15, 1582, repeating over and over, 'I am a daughter of the Church.' "

WORDS OF THE FIRST WOMAN DOCTOR OF THE CHURCH:

• When you have trouble praying: "Go someplace where you can see the sky and walk up and down a little."
• "God and the soul understand each other....It's like the experience of two persons here on earth who love each other deeply and understand each other well."
• "Within us lies something incomparably more precious that what we see outside ourselves. Let's not imagine we are hollow inside."
• "May God deliver us from foolish devotions. Look at Christ who is looking at you."

CONCERNING HARD WORK AND VIRTUE:

• concern for others expressed in deed and not mere talk
• ego annihilation through hardy obedience and detachment from self-satisfaction
• trust and humility ' in the presence of the infinite Wisdom'
• have a good sense of humor and laugh at ourselves
• have a healthy dose of common sense
• eat well, get no less than six hours of sleep and take time to rest and recreate

Upcoming entries: Stages of the Royal Road along the spiritual path according to St. Teresa of Avila - BRAVADO; MISTAKES, RUTS AND ROADBLOCKS; DISILLUSIONMENT; SHATTERING; GLORY; DIVINE INTIMACY

Something's missing

...so I'll pray to St. Anthony to help me find that part of me that used to be so open in sharing my faith.

I think I lost it. Sounds funny, I know, but I've been wondering lately where it went. Maybe it's because I don't have certain people around me as much who would always be so excited to share what they were learning or experiencing with me (yes, Jaymee, that would include you!)...or who's eyes would light up when I'd talk about Mass or adoration. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I just...miss it.

All of you out there that check back every once in a while, I miss you guys. You know who you are, and I know you remember those times. I want to go back to the Disco at the Days retreat. I want to sit in the Anaheim Convention Center Arena and listen to Fr. Bill Casey give his blow-you-away homilies. I want to listen to Mother Regina Marie share her faith experiences at SCRC. I want to pray with people again...to hold their hands in mine and know that the Spirit is moving so powerfully within them.

Recharge. That's the word I'm looking for.

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be open to you.

I'm asking, seeking, and knocking.

And you’re just what I’ve been waiting for
To come and take me in
To grab ahold and take control and make me whole again
And if you need my everything
You can take it all and more
Just help me get back where we were before

I’ve grown numb to some things
Hunger for one thing
That takes me back to where it all began
I know we’ve grown apart
But every now and then
I just close my eyes and here we are again

- from "Where We Were Before" by Blessid Union of Souls

Don't get me wrong. Life is great and I'm really thankful for what I have. I am curious, though, to see where these next few months will take me. However it ends up, I've got to trust You with it.

"We shall never learn to know ourselves except by endeavoring to know God; for, beholding His greatness, we realize our own littleness; His purity shows us our foulness; and by meditating upon His humility we find how very far we are from being humble."
- Saint Teresa of Avila

Perfect in beauty, strengthened in prayer

"...we cannot achieve our human fulfillment without communing with God - and the deeper our prayer, the deeper our fulfillment. As Scripture puts it, we become "perfect in beauty" because of the divine splendor that is given in a profound communion with the Lord. In the very heights of contemplative prayer heroic virtue is given. One becomes awesomely strong. This is the reason saints possess a miraculous goodness, a level of living neither they nor we can attain ourselves." (excerpt from Prayer Primer by Fr. Thomas Dubay)

If I were a traffic sign

...I would be a YIELD sign.

I know some people prefer to be more aggressive, but I usually default to others just because it takes less effort on my part. If others insist on having their way, I let them have it. Stronger opinions than mine don't get much of an argument from me. When people ask me what I want to do, I pretty much just go with the flow. It's more of a laid-back mentality than anything else. (I think that's how I bring a piece of Hawaii to California since I can't permanently move there...haha)

Who needs more stress?

I'm definitely not raising my hand for that one.

Am I playing doormat? I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm not feeling it. I'm just trying my best with the cards I'm dealt.

Life is growing to be pretty simple nowadays and I love it. It's great to be able to have fun without doing much. Wherever we are at whatever time of the day, we're always given grace-filled moments.

I'm learning that the most important things in life aren't necessarily what makes everyone else around you happy. You've got to hold on to what makes you smile...and in my case, what makes you feel most alive and at peace. Because at the end of your life, that's all you'll really be left with.

We'll be asked by Jesus when we see Him face to face, "Do you love Me? Did you love Me while you were on earth? Did you let Me love you in the many ways I tried to show you?"

Nothing else will have as much value.

"If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I had to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever." (1 Cor 13)

One

One SONG can spark a moment
One FLOWER can wake the dream
One TREE can start a forest
One BIRD can herald spring
One SMILE begins a friendship
One HANDCLASP lifts a soul
One STAR can guide a ship at sea
One WORD can frame the goal
One VOTE can change a nation
One SUNBEAM lights a room
One CANDLE wipes out darkness
One LAUGH will conquer gloom
One STEP must start each journey
One WORD must start a prayer
One HOPE will raise our spirits
One TOUCH can show you care
One VOICE can speak with wisdom
One HEART can know what is true
One LIFE can make a difference.
- Author Unknown

Touching the garment of Jesus

What a great day...

I learned how to make a rosary!!! Pretty exciting for me because I never learned from Tito Johnny when he was alive. He was always after me about learning...so YAY, I know how now thanks to Carmen! I've never been the crafty type, but this is gonna be my new thing and I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing it. I tried crocheting when everyone else was into it. I tried scrapbooking but I don't have enough creativity for it. I'm not even gonna try to sew. But making rosaries I can do. =)

Also some personal messages from the REACH Confirmation retreat at SPC...

There is a cross waiting for me everywhere I go.

It never takes Jesus longer than a second to forgive me. He never says that He needs time to think it over. He never says He needs space to let go of what I've done. He just forgives because He knows that I'm weak and I don't think a lot of the time about how my selfishness or pride hurts Him and other people. Why can't I be the same way? With His grace, I can do the same. With His grace, anything's possible.

So I touched His garment and the bleeding stopped.

I looked up at Him blessing me in the montrance and realized that it was as simple as Him coming to me. I didn't even have to go up there. Praise God for that moment...for using Fr. Fernando to bring Him that close. I didn't know I needed it that much. Come to think of it, I never know.

Jesus really does send people. He really is present to us in so many ways...and I remembered today that I needed all of it. The praise and worship...praying over people...Mass...rosary...adoration...Scripture...images...personal sharing...serving in both big and little ways. It was a wonderful recharge. And again I knew that I was exactly where He wanted me to be.

So maybe I was only expected to be a chaperone...to pick up some snacks and to help serve the food...but I loved every minute of it! It was definitely an encounter with the risen Christ.

Okay, Easter was a whole two weeks ago, but things come a little late with me...hehe...

PRAISE GOD...PRAISE GOD...PRAISE GOD!!!

People change

...for the better...for the worse. I'm not sure if I'm any better than I was before, but I know I'm different. So I can't really look at the past and judge anyone for it because I sure wouldn't want people to look at my past and judge me for it. How do you know that someone's really changed for good? Time. If enough time has passed and they haven't reverted to their old ways...or if they're put in a high-pressure situation and they choose not to succumb to the same temptations. That's how I knew for me. I will still admit to breaking points, however, because it's very possible to "backslide". But I'll just take care of myself and not make anyone else my direct responsibility. When faced with situations I can do nothing about, I pray. I need to remember to do that more often.

I should be asleep right now.

Retreat tomorrow...

Keeping the end in sight

There is something truly enlightening about death. At the end of a person's life, he or she is seen in a perspective many did not care to take before. I have seen it with my own relatives and friends...and even with our Pope. There is a greater admiration for virtue, no matter how much their convictions were criticized while they were alive. There is a legacy left behind that inspires others to follow the same path or maybe pave one of their own with a certain "inherited courage" to make a difference in the world.

All of us struggle. All of us fall. All of us suffer. But those who shine like stars in the darkness are the ones who struggle through...who get up from the ground lifted up by the hand of God...who suffer along with Him all the way to the Cross. Pain with purpose is valiant. It is victorious. It is not, by any means, defeat. A defeated soul is someone who cannot find meaning in their suffering and curses Him who could relieve him but does not. I thank God for the models of patience and grace who showed me how to "win" this spiritual battle because it is much too easy for me to "lose".

When I someday utter the words "It is finished", I pray that I will look back and see how important it was that I held on to Him. I want to have lived a life enriched by the Spirit...using His gifts to bring the Gospel to others who don't know what it looks like...who don't know what it sounds like...who don't know what it feels like. I want to give them Jesus because nothing I have is more eternal than Him. Nothing I am can outlast His truth.

If only I can embody His life in my own, then the Gospel will be preached without my having to say anything. But God help me when it comes time to proclaim the Word and teach in love. It has been a few years since I last openly prayed to the Holy Spirit for an outpouring in my own heart. Dear Lord, please reignite the fire in me and grant me the power to witness in action...to use the gifts given to me at my Confirmation 14 years ago...

WISDOM...KNOWLEDGE...PIETY...HOLY FEAR OF THE LORD...COURAGE...UNDERSTANDING...RIGHT JUDGMENT

Let this be my act of love, not just my prayer. I beg of You. Amen.

AMDG + JMJ

"For God chose you from the beginning to be saved through true faith and to be made holy by the Spirit. To this end He called you through the gospel we preach, for He willed you to share the glory of Christ Jesus our Lord.

Because of that, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold to the traditions that we taught you by word or by letter. May Christ Jesus our Lord who has loved us, may God our Father, who in his mercy gives us everlasting comfort and true hope, strengthen you. May He encourage your hearts and make you steadfast in every good work and word." (2 Thes 2:13b-17)

From the heart of a servant

Prayer of the Holy Father at the Conclusion of the Rosary
(Esplanade of the Basilica of the Rosary, August 14, 2004)

Hail Mary, poor and humble Woman, Blessed by the Most High! Virgin of hope, dawn of a new era, we join in your song of praise, to celebrate the Lord’s mercy, to proclaim the coming of the Kingdom and the full liberation of humanity.

Hail Mary, lowly handmaid of the Lord, Glorious Mother of Christ! Faithful Virgin, holy dwelling-place of the Word, teach us to persevere in listening to the Word, and to be docile to the voice of the Spirit, attentive to his promptings in the depths of our conscience and to his manifestations in the events of history.

Hail Mary, Woman of sorrows, Mother of the living! Virgin spouse beneath the Cross, the new Eve, be our guide along the paths of the world. Teach us to experience and to spread the love of Christ, to stand with you before the innumerable crosses on which your Son is still crucified.

Hail Mary, woman of faith, First of the disciples! Virgin Mother of the Church, help us always to account for the hope that is in us, with trust in human goodness and the Father’s love. Teach us to build up the world beginning from within: in the depths of silence and prayer, in the joy of fraternal love, in the unique fruitfulness of the Cross.

Holy Mary, Mother of believers, Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us. Amen.

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At work yesterday afternoon, I was asked, "Who do you think is more important - Mary or Pope John Paul II?" It took me less than a second to answer, "Mary, of course."

Pope John Paul II was made leader of the Catholic Church because he knew who she really was. Perhaps the other cardinals who elected him were not aware of his deep devotion to her and how much it would affect the course of action he would take with the Church and with his own life, but God knew.

People wouldn't be calling him a living saint or "John Paul the Great" without her influence.

This is what was so inspiring about him. Our Holy Father was humble enough to submit himself to the direction of Mary, the Mother of God. He gave everything to Him through her and consecrated all of us to her Immaculate Heart because that's just how much we all meant to him.

Being at Mass yesterday for the feast of the Annunciation reminded me again of "FIAT" - hers...his...and mine - and what that meant for my life today. I needed to remember to also offer all to Jesus through Mary...that she would bless each gift with her gentle hands and lift up every petition towards His heart.

It's been so long since I truly depended on God alone. I think that's why I've been so exhausted. Going at life all by myself without actively seeking His grace really taxes the soul. My resources have been depleted for years - at least all that I thought I had to my name in the emotional and spiritual sense. All along, however, I had nothing to truly call my own because He has been the One to sustain me. So even when I thought it was me, it really wasn't.

What exactly is it that He's calling me back to?

LOVE...the only thing that ever matters.

He wants me to believe again that He loves me...and it's funny how He chooses to show me. Well, not really funny. I knew it would come to me someday in this form. I'd written about it in many a blog entry over the last few years. Then suddenly, a few days ago, I heard the words of Jesus on the cross in a form I didn't quite expect...

"I would rather suffer the greater pain of emptiness and loss than have you go through it."

I know this is not something totally within your control, but for you to even desire to keep me from suffering more than you sounded so much like Him. He chose to get on that Cross even though He knew full well that we were the ones who belonged on it. So you asked me why you love me so much, and I couldn't give you an answer...but God says, "Because I taught you how."

It's the only explanation that I can find. None of this would be possible without Him. The experiences...the trials...the blessings...meeting to find that all the pieces just fit together...the lessons both past and present that continue to teach us about who He has been and who He will always be for us.

When one has worked so hard to build walls around his or her heart, life becomes a prison instead of an open field. That's what it began to feel like for me, though I started feeling quite comfortable in my "cell". I could just watch people walk by...talk to them when they came to visit...maybe look out the barred window and try to remember what it felt like to love freely. Even if I lost my freedom or somehow gave it up, I preferred my situation because staying in it was less painful than the experience of being thrown in again.

Now here you are with the keys from God coming to unlock the door. No one ever came to visit me with a set of keys before. I guess you wondered why He gave you so many. Little did you know that there was a series of chambers you'd have to pass through before you could even get within arms distance of me.

Praise God for your perseverance.

Maybe I should have written this on paper, but for some reason it's spilling out on the screen instead. It's possible that someone else out there can relate somehow, which often happens with entries that are so personal to me.

So thank you, Gary. Thank you for consulting all the right people...especially for going to God and Mama Mary so that they could guide you before you even met me. Thank you for going to the depths of brokenness to meet me where I was at and to find me with a smile on your face.

No one will ever really know how exactly or why, but I guess the most important thing is that you're here.

"There will be healing if you confess your sins to one another and pray for each other. The prayer of the upright man has great power, provided he perseveres." (James 5:16)

To serve, not to be served

"True holiness does not mean a flight from the world; rather, it lies in the effort to incarnate the Gospel in everyday life, in the family, at school and at work, and in social and political involvement." - Pope John Paul II

"May your lifestyle be worthy of the Lord and completely pleasing to Him. May you bear fruit in every good work and grow in the knowledge of God.

May you become strong in everything by a sharing of the Glory of God, so that you may have great endurance and persevere in joy.

Constantly give thanks to the Father who has empowered us to receive our share in the inheritance of the saints in His kingdom of light. He rescued us from the power of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son. In Him we are redeemed and forgiven." (Col. 1:10-14)