Questions

Of course there are answers to all the things we wonder about ourselves and our path in life. When sharing these questions with others, they often very freely volunteer their "what I would do if I were you" solutions. What can be difficult, however, is figuring it all out yourself, especially when your mind and your heart are saying two totally different things...or when some of the answers aren't as clear...or when you're praying and you think it's God's voice but you're afraid that it could really be you saying what you'd want to hear.

I've been blessed with people in my life who always seem to have everything together. I rarely see them make a mistake or feel afraid or discouraged. These people inspire me because they have such great faith and confidence in God that there isn't much of anything that they worry about. Sometimes I think outsiders see me this way as well, but in recent years, I've chosen to reveal a little more to the ones who have walked closely with me and for their own understanding needed to see that I am human, too. See, I never wanted anyone to know that I had fallen or failed in any way because it hurt too much to be laughed at or criticized so harshly. So I tried to play "perfect" for so long...and it worked for most people believed it...but when I desperarately needed help, when I needed someone to be there and listen...to tell me that it was okay to be where I was at because I was going to learn something from it...that didn't come until I let people into my heart - into the brokenness of my soul - and allowed them to see how I have struggled through my days.

So at this moment, I'm thinking how I fell in love with Jesus many years ago. I'm remembering why I was so moved when I first went to the Shroud Center and saw how tortured and humiliated He was...a man, our God, who never deserved any of it. That visit changed the way I saw the world, bringing into focus the stark reality of human nature...of sin. It was the same feeling I had when I walked the grounds and into the cells of Auschwitz...when I understood how cruel people can be if you are not what they see as acceptable.

And then I saw glimpses of my own darkness...times when I was not charitable or compassionate...when I refused to treat people with the dignity they deserved, blind to the God I said I loved who lived in each of them. Moments come back to me when all I chose to think about was myself and the kind of world I wanted instead of stepping out of my box and into the lives of those who silently cried out in their sadness and personal pain.

I look at myself in the mirror and whisper the word that Jesus used to describe the Pharisees who could not humble themselves for the sake of others.

Hypocrite.

Praise God for those who choose to see good in me. But right now I must dare to acknowledge my own pride and selfishness...the two vices from which all my sins past and present have come from. If I do not see what it is that I am fighting against in myself, I will never develop the opposite virtue. I cannot believe that I don't have any flaws. I cannot believe that I am already a saint. Sometimes Satan leads me to think that I'm so good that I don't need God's mercy...that I don't have to depend on Him for anything because I'm the one who keep myself holy by the things I have said or done.

I need Jesus as much as the serial killer on death row.

He died for me, too. He's my Savior. There's nothing I could ever do to save myself.

"Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs." (Luke 12:1-3)