A belated congratulations to Yaz and Dani for receiving their Sacraments of Initiation this past Easter Vigil! Praise God for their persistent faith and commitment to the journey towards truth in Jesus Christ. In a world that promotes egotism and self-reliance, it is so encouraging to watch people like them stepping forward wanting to become part of the Catholic Church. The experience of being up there at the altar with Yaz was amazing...and watching the tears of joy fall from the eyes of those who had been working so hard to train this group of elect and candidates...then moving into the waters of the "tomb" with her...absolutely indescribable.
I'm so proud of them and of the RCIA team. They are such a wonderful group of souls, and I pray that with the power of the Spirit their ministry will bear much fruit. It's great to see Emeline serving at St. Pius again, and to come back for Mass to meet all the familiar faces who helped us grow in faith. Good things are still happening there - that I cannot deny. Of course no parish is perfect, but we can only be thankful that lives are being changed and the presence of God is still very much alive in the hearts of the people.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Risen with Him
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Little Dyogis

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Without Him
"Oh, what annoying company we are to ourselves when Jesus is not present...but...He is not far away. He is right there, quite near and looking at us. Indeed, He is there begging us to offer Him our sorrow."
BROKEN
To give You my weakness
Is to admit all my sin
And let You heal me
FINGERTIPS
Holding on to hope
At the edge of life's ravene
Waiting for You, Lord
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I need to find...
The nearest one is 3.4 miles away from here...but there's a Starbucks on many a street corner. Not complaining, but making a statement. =)
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Back in His Arms Again
I heard a song on Sunday night that helped me find a focus for my prayer intention. Certain memories never leave us, and sometimes they come back so vividly where the past almost becomes part of your present. But then you remember that God is the only one who has a far enough reach to grab hold of a heart and call it back to Him. So I prayed. Twenty-four GloryBe's this time, once again asking St. Therese to intercede...though I asked that the rose be given to another, not to me.
Driving home from Mass on Palm Sunday also left me with the revelation that this journey to Heaven is not a competition. I don't know why the thought came to me...maybe I needed it, or I needed to pass it on to someone else...but the concept of Christ's Mystical Body was ever more strengthened in my heart...maybe because I hurt for another soul...when one is lost, we all suffer somehow. This prize of eternal life with God that we all strive for is to be had by everyone. It is not dependent on how much you know or how much you do. Of course it is very important to learn more about our Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier and we must live a life of fruitful good works as proof of our love for Him...but we are not to compare our lives to those of other people, or even to the lives we have led in the past. The priest spoke of this in his homily. The standard by which we are to measure ourselves is Jesus Christ Himself.
"Do you love Me?"
Our gift of salvation and the extent that we receive it is dependent on how much we LOVE. We can grow prideful about the knowledge we have or the deeds we have done, but it is difficult to be prideful in true love. The reason is because love is sacrificial. We need to die to ourselves in order to love and this requires the complete opposite of pride - the virtue of humility. If we question our own pride, then perhaps we can examine how much love can be found in our acts and in our quest for knowledge. Are we drawing closer to God in obedience? Are we drawing closer to others in compassion? If the answer is yes, then we are growing in love and opening our hearts more and more to the graces of Heaven. If we find that we are experiencing more selfishness or feeling the need to pass judgment on others, then by the power of His Spirit may we ask for a conversion of heart this day to be different...to be more like Jesus.
I have lately felt the need to pray for the prodigal, whoever he or she may be...but I have also felt the call to pray for the older brother (or sister) who has the opportunity to hope as the Father hopes, and to rejoice as the Father rejoices upon the prodigal's return.
And so I will hurt until the Body is healed. It is a pain I choose to suffer because others had suffered it for me until I, too, came back into His arms again.

"May I know Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, follow Thee more nearly, day by day."
– St. Richard of Chichester
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Friday, March 30, 2007
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Most important one
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Thursday, March 29, 2007
"The greatest greatest honor God can do for a soul is not to give it much, but to ask much of it."
~ St. Therese of Lisieux
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
By His stripes we are healed


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Sunday, March 11, 2007
Water for the spirit
Without prayer nothing good is done. God's works are done with our hands joined, and on our knees. Even when we run, we must remain spiritually kneeling before Him.
– Bl. Luigi Orione
Much to do while much is being done. Never enough time but now always seems to be the best moment to stop and appreciate what He has given to us.
Jana and I talked a lot about a lot of things. But what most interesting were those brief pauses of silence in the conversation that were filled with peace. That's when you know you have made at true friend...when it's quiet and you're still comfortable. I also found it comforting that we think of each other...like a reaching out for the other when they are not there. She's a very special spiritual friend. Spiritual friends are hard to come by. Of course you have those you worship with and serve with, but there are those few whom you seek out when you're straining to hear the voice of God or those who really let you know that you're not crazy. Of those two years I spent passing through Verbum Dei on to the rest of my life, she is one of the people who has stayed with me. I said that I wondered what our conversations would be like ten years from now, but what I really can't wait for is the eternity I will spend with friends like her, sharing the lessons we learned while we were on earth.
It's kind of hard to fathom that, but...not really.
Thanks, Jana. Here's to not being "normal". =) I love you, my friend.
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Saturday, March 03, 2007
Cost of Discipleship
– St. Catherine of Bologna
- He loves me
- ...therefore, I must love myself as He loves me.
- I don't have to do anything to earn His love or get more of it...I just have to be me.
- There is nothing I experience that He cannot understand.
- If I were a first-century catechumen carrying the amount of fear that I have today, someone would have to challenge me and remind me that baptism could equal death.
- As a baptized Catholic, I must pray for the courage of the early Christian martyrs.
- If I was called to be a prophet, apostle, or teacher, I must remember: Blessed are those who are persecuted in My name...Take up your cross and follow Me...Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
- Jesus did not come here to be liked by everyone; He came here to speak the Truth.
"I remind you to stir into flame the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control. So do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord, nor of me, a prisoner for his sake; but bear your share of hardship for the gospel with the strength that comes from God." (2Tim 6-8)
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Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials.
– St. Teresa of Avila
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Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The journey continues
"Through your suffering, God is expanding your heart so that He can pour more of His love into it."
"It hurts me to see you hurting, but I know that you wouldn't choose any other way."
"You'll have good days and you'll have bad days. Whether you're single or married...whether you're a priest or a nun, there will always be difficulties. But God will be there every step of the way."
I'm so grateful to the friends I have. I'm grateful for the love that surrounds me every day that I haven't been able to appreciate as I should have.
My family and I were sitting around the table for lunch on Sunday, having the annual "What are you giving up for Lent?" discussion.
I thought about giving up meat. I realized yesterday that I need to give up myself. I need to sacrifice the pain from the losses that I have held on to for so many years. I need to sacrifice my pride that keeps me from offering myself more fully to others. I need to sacrifice the fear and the discouragement - the way of thinking that has kept me imprisoned...immobilized...stuck.
I need to give to Jesus my love. I need to give to my students the joy that comes from being faithful to God. I need to give to my family the support and prayers that only family can give. I need to give to my husband my heart...all of it...not just a portion of it but the whole thing.
No, I'm not giving up. I'm giving more.
So willingly I go, forty days with Him among the people.
By grace. AMDG.
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Sunday, February 11, 2007
Unstoppable
"In the year of drought it shows no distress, but still bears fruit." –Jeremiah 17:8
...A disciple of Jesus is one who imitates Jesus in His character and His ministry. Disciples of Jesus follow Him wherever He leads, whether that path leads to the cross of Calvary or the glory of His resurrection.
A mature disciple of Christ will necessarily bear fruit for Him (Jn 15:16), "make disciples" (Mt 28:19), and disciple them in season and out of season (see 2 Tm 4:2, KJV). Nothing can stop disciples of Jesus from bearing fruit and making more disciples. Throughout Church history, persecution strengthens rather than weakens disciples. Disciples still bear fruit in the "year of drought" (Jer 17:8), for sorrows and difficulties lead us to the cross of Jesus, from Whom we draw our strength. God uses our failing health to make more disciples (see Gal 4:13). Even killing us can't stop the fruit of discipleship, because the blood of martyrs has always been the seed of Christians. "In all this we are more than conquerors because of Him Who has loved us" (Rm 8:37).
Historically, disciples of Jesus have only been stopped by themselves. When disciples "grow lazy" (Heb 6:12), take their eyes off Jesus (cf Heb 3:1; 12:2), and start treasuring the things of the world, they then paralyze themselves. Therefore, disciples of Christ, pick up your daily cross, die to yourself (Lk 9:23), make no provision for the desires of your flesh (Rm 13:14), and ask Jesus for more of the Holy Spirit. Be invincible and unstoppable. "Make disciples of all the nations" (Mt 28:19).
From One Bread, One Body - Reflection for February 11, 2007
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Saturday, February 03, 2007
Coming to the Rose Bowl near you
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Wednesday, January 31, 2007
His words of encouragement
Brothers and sisters:
In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood.
You have also forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as children:
My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord
or lose heart when reproved by him;
for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines;
he scourges every son he acknowledges.
Endure your trials as “discipline”;
God treats you as his sons.
For what “son” is there whom his father does not discipline?
At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain,
yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who are trained by it.
So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees.
Make straight paths for your feet,
that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed.
Strive for peace with everyone,
and for that holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
See to it that no one be deprived of the grace of God,
that no bitter root spring up and cause trouble,
through which many may become defiled.
( Hebrews 12:18-19,21-24)
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Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Light
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Sunday, January 28, 2007
Grant me, O Lord my God, a mind to know you, a heart to seek you, wisdom to find you, conduct pleasing to you, faithful perseverance in waiting for you, and a hope of finally embracing you.
– St. Thomas Aquinas
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Friday, January 19, 2007
What am I Looking For Again?
His will. I've wanted to find His will. The problem is that I've been looking everywhere except for in my own heart.
Hi, God. It's me again. I know it's been a while...
I feel like I'm going into an IR monologue.
The dreams. I can't figure out what they mean. At least the ones that I can't clearly remember when I wake up. The ones that have left me tired when I wake up. And a little sad.
Talking to myself in the car on the way home, trying to make sense out of this search. I've been with you, but I haven't been able to find you.
Pieces of my life are scattered all over the place. That's how I feel because people who used to mean so much and influence so much are out there somewhere not a part of my life anymore.
I used to talk to my friends about detachment. I went through the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises and should be some sort of a pseudo-expert on the matter (or not)...but whatever the case may be, I'm suddenly wondering why I'm experiencing this "disconnectedness".
You just let go, right? You just move on, right?
It's not that easy.
But life...it never stays the same. It's so incredibly fluid...like water...because it's moving and growing and changing.
New people come into my world - new students, new coworkers, new strangers who become friends - and they're all great, like all the ones who came before them were great.
Maybe I just want to be like God and always be connected to everybody all the time.
But then Jesus didn't even have that luxury while he was here on earth. He was limited to time and space.
He had to leave his mother. He had to leave his friends. He even had to accept the murder of his own cousin.
He loved everybody, but he served the one right there in front of him.
He connected with the poor and the sick. He healed some of them, but not all of them. But his encounters with each of them - as simple as they were - were unforgettable. Why? Because he was WITH them. For that day, for that hour, for those few minutes...he was really with them.
So at least I can say that I've had those "Jesus-moments" with you, too. All the souls I have been so blessed to have grown up with and prayed with...cried with and laughed with. At least I have been able to share those days, those hours, those minutes with you.
I pray for you all often. Every day, actually. You might not think that I remember you, but I do. Your faces have been painted on the canvas of my heart because I once looked into your eyes and saw Him.
So wherever I go, I take you with me...you, in this communion of saints He brought into my life.
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Tuesday, January 09, 2007
A Day to Remember, A Dream Come True
uniting two lives as one


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Sunday, December 31, 2006
The deepest desire of our Church
O God our Father, You promised "I will appoint shepherds for My sheep who will shepherd them so that they need no longer fear and tremble; and none shall be missing."(Jer. 23:4-5). Hear our prayers to call to the sacramental priesthood generous men who will desire nothing more than to serve You in imitation of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, our High Priest.

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Waking up from the dark night
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Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Faith and Fortitude
MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY
Advent is above all the "sacrament" of the Presence of God in the world and in time in his Incarnate Word, in his kingdon, above all his presence in our own lives as our Savior... Three reasons for our misery and helplessness:
- We are deceived in our judgments of good and evil
- Our attempts to do good fail, lead to nothing
- We do not succeed in our efforts to resist evil
The presence of Christ in us overcomes these obstacles. By faith he dwells in our heart and shows us how to judge between good and evil. He cannot deceive nor be deceived. He is the wisdom of God, always ready to teach us. Yet in order to have his light. we must use the grace he gives us to turn to him in our difficulties. By fortitude he strengthens our weakness, so that we can do all things in him. He never grows tired, for he is the power of God, ever ready to revive us and lift us up. But we must call upon him for help in our batttles. Finally, he "stands for" us, he resists within us. If he be for us, who can be against us?
The secret of spiritual fortitude is for us to abandon ourselves to Christ, the power of God, and then he himself will overcome evil and deliver us from forces that we would never be capable of resisting by ourselves. This is the fortitude of faith.
Christ lives in the world in those who take him for their light, their strength and their protection. It is for them that he came into the world in his Incarnation.

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006
"It's okay, Mommy. It's okay."
There is no pain greater than losing a child. It doesn't matter how young or old the child was, or whether you ever got to see him or hold her. He was still your baby. She was still your child.
I knew there was life growing inside of me even before the test read Pregnant. And somehow I knew when that same life had gone, leaving me with an immense feeling of sadness I had never known before. I tried to stay hopeful, but I knew. We wouldn't get to meet our baby in July. Our reunion would have to wait until the eternal someday.
Last night, the worst had passed. However, the events of the day unfolded before I even opened my eyes. It began with a dream - we were holding a baby boy, who looked much like my nephew Jacob...but after sometime I realized it was our baby boy, and I felt so complete with Gary and my son. We were together - so happy and peaceful, enjoying each other's company just as any other family would.
Then I awoke to the symptoms I had been hearing of...facing the fear I dreaded the most...trying to prepare myself for something I felt would inevitably come. Gary and I had talked about it. We even gave the disclaimer when we shared the good news that there would be risk. But as much as you try to prepare, you really can't. It still hurt. It still broke my heart, and it broke his, too.
At least we got a picture. Our doctor was able to find the baby in the ultrasound this time, but he warned us that I was probably already in the beginning stages of a miscarriage. He gave us a copy of the scan as a memento of our baby, and he said that we would look back at this time five years from now and be grateful for the support we gave each other through such a difficult circumstance.
We struggled with the painful emotions of loss throughout the day, trying to come to grips with the reality of it all. I cried. Gary cried. Our family had been crying tears for us, knowing what it felt like to also lose little ones. It came to the point where I didn't think my heart could feel more emptier. I couldn't help but be sad, even if I tried to be strong. Nothing anyone could say or do would bring the baby back to life, and it felt like this feeling would never go away. My insides were screaming so loudly but all I could do was cry, until I heard his voice.
"It's okay, Mommy. It's okay. Don't worry, Mommy. Everything will be all right."
His little soul spoke to mine because God knew that it was his voice I needed to hear at my deepest point of despair. The sobbing calmed as Gary and Leilani held me close, and I told them that the baby was talking to me.
It was then that we named him "Little Gary".
Our baby helped me through the emotional and spiritual pain so that I would be able to endure the physical pain that would soon follow just an hour later. For an hour and a half, I waited and prayed through the whole ordeal under the care of my family and the specialized coaching of my sister Emeline. Everything she said would happen did. I don't know what I would have done without them all.
After it was all over, Gary and I sat with each other on the hallway floor and thanked God that it was done. As hard as it was, the whole day couldn't have gone more smoothly, considering. And we attribute it to the mercy and love of God poured upon us through the prayers of our family and friends who have lifted us up every day since they found out about the pregnancy.
I realized last weekend as I sat at the funeral Mass of Audrey, Damian, Elise, and Gianna, that life is so temporary. There's nothing about it that we can control. In the homily, the priest said that sometimes you find a rose that buds but never blooms, as so it is also in the garden of souls. We never understand why a life doesn’t get to run its full course but we can only trust in the grace that God has given for that life to live at all.
I had long looked for roses as signs throughout my faith journey, and it comforted me to hear Father use St. Therese's expression of the "garden of souls". It was on that Saturday that my heart was enlightened to know...
Our baby - Little Gary - is our rose.
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody
This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done
- Courtesy of Fr. Fernando
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Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Father Cantalamessa on Holiness
Pontifical Household Preacher on All Saints' Day

ROME, OCT. 31, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Here is a translation of a commentary by the Pontifical Household preacher, Capuchin Father Raniero Cantalamessa, on the readings from the feast of All Saints.
* * *
Holiness Is Not a Luxury ...
Revelation 7:2-4,9-14; John 3:1-3; Matthew 5:1-12a
The saints the liturgy celebrates on this solemnity are not only those canonized by the Church and mentioned in our calendars. They are all those who are saved and form the heavenly Jerusalem. Speaking of the saints, St. Bernard said: "Let us not be slow in imitating those we are happy to celebrate." It is, therefore, the ideal occasion to reflect on the "universal call of all Christians to holiness."
The first thing to do in speaking about holiness is to free the word from the fear it inspires, due to some mistaken representations that we make of it. Holiness can entail extraordinary phenomena, but it is not identified with them. If all are called to holiness it is because, properly understood, it is within everyone's reach, it is part of the normality of the Christian life.
God is the "only Holy One" and "the source of all holiness." When one attempts to see how man enters into the sphere of God's holiness and what it means to be holy, the ritualistic idea in the Old Testament immediately prevails in one's mind.
The means of God's holiness are objects, places, rites and prescriptions. Heard, it is true, especially in the prophets and the Psalms, are different voices, exquisitely moral, but voices that remain isolated. In Jesus' time, the idea still prevailed among the Pharisees that holiness and justice consist in ritual purity and scrupulous observance of the law.
Looking at the New Testament, we see profound changes. Holiness does not reside in the hands, but in the heart; it is not decided outside but within man, and it is summarized in charity.
The mediators of God's holiness are no longer places (the Temple of Jerusalem or the Mountain of the Beatitudes), rites, objects or laws, but a person, Jesus Christ. In Jesus Christ is the very holiness of God that comes to us in person, not in a distant reverberation of his. He is "the Holy One of God" (John 6:69).
We come into contact with Christ's holiness in two ways, and it is communicated to us: by appropriation and by imitation. Holiness is above all a gift, grace. Given that we belong to Christ more than to ourselves, having been "purchased at great price," it follows from this, inversely, that the holiness of Christ belongs to us more than our own holiness. It is what gives flight to the spiritual life.
Paul teaches how this "audacious blow" is given when he states solemnly that he does not want to be found with a righteousness of his own, or holiness based on observance of the law, but only with that which is through faith in Christ (Philippians 3:5-10). Christ, he says, has made himself "our righteousness and sanctification and redemption" (1 Corinthians 1:30). He is "for us": therefore, for all intents and purposes, we can claim his holiness as our own.
Along with this fundamental means of the faith and the sacraments, imitation must also have a place, that is, personal effort and good works. Not as a separate and different means, but as the only appropriate means to manifest the faith, translating it into act.
When Paul writes: "For this is the will of God, your sanctification," it is clear that he understands precisely this holiness which is the fruit of personal commitment. He adds, in fact, as though to explain in what the sanctification he is talking about consists: "that you abstain from immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor" (1 Thessalonians 4:3-9).
"There is but one sadness in the world, and it is not to be saints," said Leon Bloy, and Mother Teresa was right when a journalist asked her point-blank how she felt being acclaimed as being holy around the world, and she answered: "Holiness is not a luxury; it is a necessity."
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Sunday, October 29, 2006
The name of Mary on their lips
As a missionary, Father Louis De Montfort found himself in a boat going up the River Seine packed with at least 200 people, who were joking coarsely and singing lustful songs. Hardly had he spent a few moments in the company of these shady horse dealers and fishmongers, when Father De Montfort adjusted his crucifix to the end of his walking stick. He then prostrated himself on the floor of the boat and exclaimed, "May those who love Jesus Christ join me in prayer."
His companions shrugged their shoulders and sniggered at this invitation. So, turning to Brother Nicholas, the Saint ordered, "On your knees and we shall recite our Rosary!" Under an avalanche of gibes, the two men, their heads bared and their faces solemn, recited the Ave Marias. After the first Rosary, the priest stood up and in a soft voice again invited the assistance to join him in prayer. Nobody moved, but the booing calmed down as the prayers began. After the invocation "Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners" had been repeated several times, the face of De Montfort was transfigured.
When the next Rosary had been completed, there was such earnest supplication in the expression on the Saint's face, and his voice had taken on such sweetness and authority that, when he entreated his companions to recite a third Rosary with him, everyone fell on their knees and repeated the sweet words, which they had forgotten since childhood. The holy priest could only be delighted: from a brothel of obscenities he had made a Marian shrine. On lips accustomed to saying blasphemies, he had brought back the name of Mary.
Taken from the Marian Collection 1975
Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you! Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
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Saturday, October 14, 2006
Hear Mass daily; it will prosper the whole day. All your duties will be performed the better for it, and your soul will be stronger to bear its daily cross. The Mass is the most holy act of religion; you can do nothing that can give greater glory to God or be more profitable for your soul than to hear Mass both frequently and devoutly. It is the favorite devotion of the saints.
– St. Peter Julian Eymard
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Saturday, October 07, 2006
It's in your weakest moments that you often don't realize how great you really are.
Don't fight the beauty...the love...the hope...the faith...the God who lies within you.
Pray. Always.
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Tuesday, September 05, 2006
"We are at Jesus' disposal. If he wants you to be sick in bed, if he wants you to proclaim His work in the street, if he wants you to clean the toilets all day, that's all right, everything is all right. We must say, 'I belong to you. You can do whatever you like.' And this is our strength, and this is the joy of the Lord."
– Bl. Teresa of Calcutta
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Saturday, September 02, 2006
Until next time
The door that welcomed me...
The heart who served with me...
The sisters who inspired me...
Never knowing what to expect but always expecting to find Him there.
100% commitment.
+BiL
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 2:23 PM 0 comments
I miss blogging
Now that I'm out in Culver City, I don't really get to see anyone or talk to them that much. The visits home are becoming less frequent and everyone's lives are so busy that it's hard to find time to even catch up on the phone. Mommy called me last week because she hadn't heard from me in a while...I think she was a little worried. First month out of the house was hard, but it's so easy for me to get caught up with work and let it distract me. And of course there are days when the tears start welling up in my eyes because I'm having "Leilani withdrawals". =)
At the same time, I'm growing to really like the change.
I like how my days are so simple. While I was still on vacation, I would hang out at the apartment just getting settled in...driving to Buena Park a few times a week...meeting Gary back home for dinner and walking to Mass everyday at 5:30. I love how we live so close to a church. It's something I always wanted. Being that we can't live on Juan St. In Hawaiian Gardens, this is the next best thing for now. Then we'll have dinner and hang out, get ready for bed, pray and go to sleep.
This past week was pretty hectic because we started faculty meetings at St. Jerome on Monday and school on Wednesday. Honestly, I was really nervous and a little overwhelmed because I forgot how much there is to do as a Junior High Catholic school teacher, but after the first day I remembered how much I loved it. I have 37 seventh graders, plus the 6th and 8th graders for Religion. Going from one section of 10 freshmen at Verb to a class size that big was a little scary for me since I haven't been in that kind of classroom environment for three years, but once I learned all their names, it was great.
I'm excited.
It might take me some time to get a routine down because I can't be working 10-11 hours every day for the rest of the school year. Once I've built my curriculum, though, it should get better. These upcoming weeks will be the real challenge when we're going for full days. Please pray that my energy stays up...
All in all, I'm happy.
I wonder about how my boys are doing at Verb, though. And I miss chatting with Jana and Brandi and Br. Rich whenever they would come to visit the Student Life Center. Michael sent me an email the other day...it made me smile. They all just have their special way of tugging at your heart strings. Amazing how just a few years at that school had made such a big difference to me.
I feel so blessed that I want to cry. Gary's deep sense of appreciation is rubbing off on me because he's said that before, too.
God brought all the pieces together just like He said He would.
At the Days Retreat last weekend while talking to Pia, I discovered all that I had been searching for during my own retreat was given to me so generously wrapped in the love of God. For all the hurt that my heart was experiencing and the weakness my body had to endure...for all the anxiety and uncertainty I couldn't seem to shake...He had filled me to overflowing with the grace of truly understanding "Basta Ikaw". Three and a half years later, I knelt there in front of Him so grateful for the consolation I had received through the many people who have been part of my walk...most of whom were present on the day that I would seal my commitment with Gary to God.
Tito Raol said it best: "Now there are two of you, not only one." It sounds like such a simple statement but I knew exactly what he meant by it. I'm strengthened and sanctified by him, more so in the realization that there is so much we can do together. Granted that there will be times when physically he cannot be with me, nor I with him, it is this love that has helped me open my heart to the world again.

Lourdes coral grotto at St. Michael's, Kona, HI
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 1:14 PM 0 comments
So nice to be back...
...in the Disco
...in the classroom
...at home with my family.
I'd spent most of my life trying to find a place where I belonged. This past week I realized that everything about where I'm at and who I'm with feels so incredibly "right". Like this is how it was all planned out.
And it was.
A few years ago when I had so many questions about my future, people would tell me, "Maybe God's doing something really special for you. He's got something exciting waiting for you...someone who will love you...a life filled with joy...a vocation to do something great. Maybe He'll let you do it all...everything you've always wanted to do."
I didn't understand back then.
Now it couldn't be more clear.
My life has changed so much during the past few months, but somehow - strangely enough - much of it has stayed the same.
I love being married. It comes with a lot of adjustments, especially for me...but it's true, there is a lot of grace in the Sacrament. I can't say too much about it right now, except that I'm so glad God gave me the courage to trust Him. It's been a beautiful journey with Gary so far. We have our challenges, like everyone does, but God really helps us get past them and learn from what we experience together.
So tonight I say thank you, and I pray for the continuous gratitude that will keep our relationship strong.

Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 1:06 AM 0 comments
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Is this somebody else's movie?
We're still in the very surreal state...
Exactly 14 more hours to go.
It's like we're getting ready for some other person's event. Watching a movie...feeling like you're there with the character...in the character's shoes...feeling what they feel...thinking what they think...seeing what they see...but it's not you.
That's what this feels like.
My mom was laughing because she said two years ago we didn't even know each other.
Now look at us. =)
I cried in Mass today because Leilani was praying next to me. It was another cleansing. Confession helped a lot. So did seeing everybody's smiling faces at the rehearsal. They're all so happy for us. This is absolutely amazing.
Favorite sight of the night: Elijah being super-excited to walk down the aisle. He was so ready to go!
And Leilani wrote on her whiteboard: VERY 100% HAPPY. That's how excited she is about the wedding, too, she said. She drew a picture of herself under it with pigtails, just like she'll have it in the wedding.
I need to stop. There are people I need to talk to. Slowly, B.anne. Just take it all in...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 12:16 AM 0 comments
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Go to sleep...
I know, I know. I'm caught up doing little things that I shouldn't put off because they'll keep me up tomorrow and Friday. Might as well make the sacrifice now, I figured.
Everytime I find myself dragging my feet through something, especially if it has something to do with the wedding planning, I always find myself saying inside, "This is for Gary. I want this to be special because he's that special to me."
The spirit of "Basta Ikaw"...it never really leaves you.
Once a Dazer, always a Dazer. Though I'm still kind of a newbie, I really appreciate how it's becoming more integrated into my life. It helps that Gary had gone through the retreat as well because since his batch, I seem to be reminded even more than ever before of the love Kuya Jess has for me and everyone else in this world.
Fourth Day frustrations aren't so bad anymore.
Things come up that could be potential "mountains made out of molehills" but it feels like - especially recently - that He's carrying me through those moments.
Three more days.
I promised to give myself permission to feel. Too distracted because I've been so busy. I want to feel something about all of this...moving out...giving my life to my husband-to-be...seeing friends and family praying with us during Mass...embarking on a new adventure...spending two weeks in Hawaii. There's so much going on and, like I keep saying, I don't want it to just pass me by.
Dear Lord, if there was a way you could slow things down a bit, that would be great...just like you did the night he gave me the letter and the day he proposed...just like you have when we've taken a whole afternoon to ourselves just to hang out and talk.
I want to be able to remember and experience every moment.
The dreams - are they done yet? Can they be? I think I'm done. They've taken so much of my energy...I want to be able to give all my attention to where it belongs...to you and to him alone...that's all.
Thank you, Lord. It's all behind me now.
Good night...............
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 1:16 AM 0 comments
Friday, June 30, 2006
The Purity Christ Gave to the Leper
Purity penetrates into the innermost recesses of the soul, dissolving the scum of egoism, the accumulations of wrong desires, the mixture of fear, suspicion, and baseness which prejudices had formed in us in spite of ourselves. Purity passes through them, and out beyond. For the pure in heart the world has no murky depths; they penetrate through to the well-spirng of life...
From them there is no difference between appearance and reality. What they show us is the perfection of their nature, in all its poise and equilibrium, a perfection which indeed renders it invisible, like God, water, light, and virtue.
The opposite of purity is anxiety, which unfailingly creates a division in the soul; but purity abolishes all strife between the soul and herself. A pure soul is at all times everything that she is. Purity is the quality of the child who freely shows us his inner self, before the process of repression and distortion has set in...
The perfection of purity is precisely that instead of seeking to protect itself by keeping apart from the world, it proves its strength and efficacy by passing through all uncleanness in the world without receiving any taint, but rather leaving in its midst its own radiance. Even hostility becomes a new source of strength, a trial which is never long absent.
- Loius Lavelle, prominent Christian philosopher
Dearest Lord,
Please purify me to the very depths so that I may see you and hear you and recognize your presence in everything and everyone around me.
My soul is so thristy for your grace...my heart hungry for your love...my mind longing for your truth...with all that I am, I seek your face and reach for your hand to lift me up from the ground where I kneel at your feet.
It's your peace that I need, the serenity I have missed, the great joy in loving you that I desire again for the sake of my life with you.
I die many deaths and rise as many times as I strive to overcome my self and live for you alone. It can be so difficult, Lord, to remember why I am here, but it has been through the enlightenment of your Spirit that I have been able to realize how much I miss you.
Yet you have been here all of these years, waiting for me to come back...to start searching again for meaning and purpose...to understand that I can be loved by you and those who also want to love me.
So for every temptation I face that threatens to draw me away from you or harm the relationships that you have given me, I pray for the strength to battle with the great weapon of love. I want not only to turn away from sin and selfishness, but to choose what is good and holy.
I am a week away from being inaugurated into a new ministry, where the demands are much and the pressures more than taxing.
But it is more than just a ministry...it is a Sacrament...a vocation...a calling from God.
I told myself that I didn't want to be a leader anymore because of the warfare and the exhaustion that comes with being on the front line.
Marriage, however, is more serious than any organization I have ever been a part of. Being a wife and mother (God willing) is much more important than any position I have ever held in my life. I say this because Gary and I will be joining the millions of men and women in the world who have answered this call and chosen this vocation for themselves.
The challenge presented to us in these times is to restore the dignity of this noble relationship...this covenant that society has debased to a legal contract.
And for us, it all is determined by how much I love him...how much he loves me...how much we are willing to sacrifice for each other in this lifetime...and how much we will strive for heaven as our ultimate destination.
I've been thinking about him all day, and praying for your grace, Lord, to stay sensitive to his needs and serve him well. Please help me always remember that he is your gift to me. He is your love made physically real, the salve to my wounded heart, the melody to the song I had forgotten how to sing.
We will soon be joined as one to give glory to you through our union together. May we and all married couples keep the fire of your love burning bright in our lives, so that the reality and essence of marriage will be made the standard again in this world.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.
Amen.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 1:05 PM 0 comments
Thursday, June 22, 2006
A celebration of life
There is LOTS to celebrate among my family and friends these days.
Nephew #1 - Jacob Ryan Moya (a.k.a. "babalooksi"), son of Robby and Emeline
Nephew #2 - Noah King, son of cousins Maurice and Jaymee
Nephew #3 - Joshua Bryan Padilla, son of cousins Ryan and Amabelle
Recent engagement - Michael and my sister Roselynn...wedding date January 6, 2006!
Jenn should also be having her baby soon. Noreen, too!
It was some years ago when I was more comfortable at funerals than I was at weddings and baby arrivals. I'm glad things are turning around, event-wise.
So the realization I'm taking into our wedding is that we're really grateful for the opportunity to open it up to everyone. Because of the way it is set up, anyone who wants to come can come. It's not to show off because there isn't anything showy about the wedding, by any means. There aren't even going to be flowers at the altar. Only the arrangement that is normally in front of Mama Mary. I guess I just wanted the church to look as much as it does when I walk into it to go to Mass...the way it had looked everyday when I sought Him out, wanting to know that He was there for me...that He was there for us.
The more I imagine the day, July 8th - two weeks and two days from now - it will be more of a celebration of life.
A new beginning.
A day of gratitude for everyone who has been part of our faith and part of our lives.
Because it took a lot to get where we are.
I'm not talking about financial or professional success.
I'm talking about spiritual and emotional growth.
And every person that we could think of who contributed to that in each or both of us was invited to share that day with us.
If you think about it, the only time that people get together for you like this is when you die. They hear that you passed away and anyone who ever knew you and was a significant part of your life suddenly return to give your family condolences. It's a very bittersweet reunion.
I am so incredibly familiar with it because I remember meeting some of my dad's friends again after years of distance...seeing relatives who I've only met as a child. And I'll never forget about the phone call from one of his friends, in particular, who cried to me because he couldn't believe my dad was gone. I didn't even know who this man was. Reflecting back, I really wish I did.
Of course not everyone will be able to make it to the wedding, but we do know that we have their prayers on that day. Masses will be said...and petitions will be lifted up in different parts of the state, and in the country...even on a plane heading for New York. These people will be doing for us what they've been doing all along...praying us through the journey that God is taking us on.
It's different, I know, and everyone who gets married will hopefully be able to make their day special in their own way. The most important thing, though, is that the couple standing there committing themselves to each other understand what it is that they're doing. Because if you think about it, the details are for us. The vows are for each other. The "yes" is for God.
You're right, Gary. We can't be any more ready than this.
Can't wait. =)
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 6:17 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
A reason for everything
So many people don't understand why we are the way we are...but then so many more actually do.
He changed. I changed. However we changed just made us a good fit. It made sense to us to then make decisions that reflected who we were as a couple.
Especially about the wedding.
No reception. No time, no energy, and not a whole lot of money. Our resources didn't seem to be working for us...but we've been blessed in other ways.
Our focus then became the Mass and the preparation for the marriage.
Reading The Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples. Answering questions. Meeting with Tita Lira for four months. Praying. The day retreat at St. Linus. Opening up. Natural Family Planning. Being doubted by some, and encouraged by others. Fertility counseling...doctors appointments. More blood tests, more vitamins, more hope that maybe we can actually have a family. And definitely more trust in God.
Lots of conversations.
I met his family in San Francisco for the first time last month. They're a lot like mine. Saw where he lived and went to school, and I listened to the stories as we drove around the City. Finally his life was more real to me because I was there where it all happened.
Where - hundreds of miles away - God was molding him for me.
Just for me.
But then not really just for me.
Gary was sent into my life so he could help other people I knew. Finding Summer and Allan's engagement song...giving Esperanza a chance to talk to my mom and Fr. Kevin again...restoring the faith my girlfriends had in the opposite sex...proving that chivalry really was very much alive.
Very few people know how much this man has changed my perspective of the world.
Tito Tom was right when he said today that I disappeared. Maybe it seems that way to those who saw me often...who knew how available I made myself to be to them.
But little do they realize that in so many ways, I've come back.
The smile has returned, and so has the laughter. The willingness to love. The belief in goodness, most especially God's goodness.
So even if I'm not around as much, I'm still very much alive and praying for everyone like I've never prayed before.
...because that's all I can do.
When I can't walk, I get scared. And then I try to remember to offer it up for those who need the grace somehow. It's temporary. Each time it gets a little easier because I'm familiar with the symptoms and I know I'll be okay after a few days.
Then later on someday when it doesn't get better, I know that I will have people offering up their sufferings for me, too. I know that because some already do.
That is true generosity to me.
All we wanted was to keep life simple, and this is what has come of it.
So, no - maybe some will never see our reasons behind who we are and what we do. Maybe even we will never really see His reasons behind why He is directing us this way. But at least we will continue on together with peace in our hearts and in our relationship.
We're going to Engaged Enounter this weekend. Please pray that we'll be open to more of the lessons God has in store for us.
Riding on a cloud of prayers...that's how this is all working. It would not be possible without Him.
Praised be our God. Amen.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 11:17 PM 0 comments
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Things aren't always what they seem
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.
After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.
Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.
"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."
"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.
Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 11:01 PM 0 comments
"God does not require great achievements but a heart that holds back nothing for self."
– St. Rose Philippine Duchesne
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 10:58 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Loving the things of Heaven
...though it isn't my life's purpose to remove myself from the world when He calls me to stay active in it.
Four years ago I wanted to join the convent because I'd get to spend my entire day praying, dressed in a habit that would constantly remind me of who I belonged to, working actively for the Kingdom.
Would it have been easier?
I'll never know.
Living as a lay person does have its challenges. We're more prone to being attached to people and to things...to the experiences that we cherish and everything we get to do. But most people are called to remain in mainstream society, and those like us who choose to follow Christ - we're here to bring the grace found in churches, convents, and monasteries out into the world.
Praise God that I'm remembering this now.
As I was singing tonight, my heart was so at peace that I was ready to leave this life and be with God. But there's so much more to what I perceive as His plan.
Leilani just walked in my room to give me a hug good night.
We're all here for each other...for as long as He allows us to be...to show each other His love...to help each other grow in virtue...to inspire each other to be holy.
The minor irritations of daily life must not turn into catastrophic tragedies. It's not worth walking around angry or bitter or hurt. People will fail us. Things will go wrong. Life isn't fair.
But God is.
He loves us all the same...wanting us to wake up and realize what He put us here for.
I'm running away from the emptiness of my own sin into the Father's arms of mercy. I'm tired of being lukewarm. I'm tired of compromising my beliefs and His truth for the sake of political correctness. I want to serve with the passion of the Saints and live not just one, but ALL of the Beatitudes. I need to be broken down...humbled enough to know how great God really is.
My mom returned to me a vial of blessed oil.
Remember when we used to lay hands on each other and pray for healing of body and spirit? Remember when we would spend hours talking about the miracles God was working in our lives? About the conversions that were happening within and around us? Remember when we had such fervor to learn and to serve...to give and to receive the blessings He had waiting for us? Do you remember the nights in silent adoration...seeking His presence because we believed He was there waiting for us to come to Him?
I remember.
Some of the people I experienced all of this with are still here in my life to some extent. There are also friends who joined the journey a little later on and some more recently. A few I don't see or talk to anymore, but I think they remember, too.
I think we all remember, at least once in a while, that we were all made for Heaven.
A couple of years ago, this thought made me sad. It seemed like much of what we had together was lost because we weren't together anymore. Yet somehow I still have hope...not so much for a restoration of past relationships but a revival in our relationships with God. It will be different from what they once were, of course, since we're older now and have gone through a lot personally.
But He doesn't ever stop calling us back to Him.
My "yes" today is not the same "yes" it was when I was 21. As the years go by, it's more sacrificial as I come to understand more and more what my "yes" is going to cost me. It still, however, is worth the reward of love and mercy, joy and eternal life that Jesus holds out to me every day. It's a discovery that we all embark upon when we open our hearts and our minds up to the gifts and the grace that He offers us.
Things have changed, but I'm not as sad about them as I used to be.
Why?
Because there's always HOPE and there's always GOD.
Someday we'll get there...just not yet. We've still got a lot of work to do.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 11:01 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
It's late and my nose itches
I don't go on AIM anymore so I don't have the sleep police telling me to sign off...hahaha...those were the days. But yes, I should really get my rest because my fatigue sets in when I'm sleep-deprived. Well, that would make sense, wouldn't it?
Actually, Gary is my sleep police now, but he can't do much when he's not living with me yet. I'm naturally a night owl. Work forces me to get up early and getting up early forces me to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. But during vacation, I'm usually up until 1:30 or something in the morning. And after taking a 2 1/2 hour nap because of an all-day migraine, I'm more awake than I need to be right now.
I could call him but he's an early bird so I would feel bad keeping him up. What are we going to do when we get married? He'll have to make me go to bed early. I really shouldn't be up this late. White cell count is low. Red cell count is low. Some other stuff is low...maybe that's why I'm so tired. But ANA came out negative again. Lupus is such a strange disease.
Great conversations with Lyn-Lyn and Mommy today. I was reminded of a lot about faith...about relationships...about priorities and the importance of prayer. I'm really glad Mommy came to Mass with me tonight. We were praying for the same people. And Fr. Ed gave a great homily - as he always does - about the Beatitudes. He said to go home and read Matthew 5:1-12 because God would point out which Beatitude He wants us to live out. I already knew. It's the same one He's asked me to live out for four years. Praise God that yesterday at the LifeTeen Mass He gave me the grace to recommit myself again.
The Beatitudes are the window to the heart of Christ, he said. Then I remembered - brave, loyal, and loving. His heart...I wanted His heart.
Funny how certain circumstances can make you wake up to the "sleepy areas" of your life...or even to give you some indication of being kind of on the right track or the wrong track. Saturday night...I was afraid that it would be my scene again, too. But I knew right away, just standing in line, that it wasn't. I went, however, with a purpose and it all turned out just like I thought it would. What I really, truly appreciated were the friends who came out for me. Almost all of them said, "I don't normally go out like this to places like this, but I'm doing this for you...anything for Marianne." I was so touched because they were doing for me what I was doing for him.
Uncoincedentally (since God's providence always seems to work things out according to what challenges we'll face), my homepage had been posting paragraphs from the Cathechism talking about scandal. We are responsible for the souls of other people. By no means should we lead them to sin, for those who are teachers of the Word are more accountable to God for their actions. I prayed that it wasn't what I was doing because this was the most compromising solution we could come up with. I didn't want to lead anyone astray, but at the same time, I needed the support...the familiar faces...to make it through the night. I was grateful for the post-party reflection and conversation with my brother and sister, knowing that our lifestyles are different from what they were almost ten years ago. It helped so much that my brother Albert stayed with me until the very end because for as long as I can remember, he's been my after-hours security blanket. And Leo - what a hard-core friend/brother you also are...going through all that just to be there with us. We made it out all right, with many a lesson learned and more insight than we expected to come out with.
For some reason, I needed to revisit the past briefly to understand how important it is for me to stay focused...on God, on Gary, on my family, and on the friends who help keep me faithful. So, yes, a lot of good came out of it all, I must say. To realize that I didn't want to lose what has taken me years to gain by the grace of God.
I do beg you, Holy Spirit, for the strength to persevere and keep swimming against the current. For as Fr. Ed carefully noted, when you follow the first seven Beatitudes, you have the reward of the eighth: "Blessed are you, when people insult you and persecute you and speak all kinds of evil against you because you are my followers. Be glad and joyful, for a great reward is kept for you in God. This is how this people persecuted the prophets who lived before you."
To smile through the pain. I beg for the grace. Every day of my life until I die, I want to be able to endure whatever comes. Amen.
"You are the light of the world. A city built on a mountain cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and covers it; instead it is put on a lampstand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way your light must shine before others, so that they may see the good you do and praise your Father in heaven." (Mt 5:14-16)
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 12:33 AM 0 comments
Thursday, June 08, 2006
One More Month
Baccalaureate and Graduation are over...the year is finally finished...and life goes on for all of us. Sad but excited at the same time. I've loved my experience at Verb, as challenging as it was at times. It's the people, the work, the place, the community, and the life-giving spirituality of the Word made flesh...all of it has stretched my soul in a way that nothing in this world ever could. I have wanted it to work somehow where I could stay, and God is keeping a crack in the door open for me...at least to help out a little where I can.
When that school becomes a part of you, it's hard to let go.
I know eventually I'll have to, especially when I start having children of my own, but until the Freshman class becomes seniors I'll give what I can...just so they know that I haven't left them completely.
Most of what I feel, though, is relief that I can rest - kinda - this summer. Between moving out of the Student Life Center and creating my space in the 7th grade classroom at St. Jerome, I'll be spending the next few weeks slowly getting my belongings together at home and bringing it all over to Culver City. There is lots to do...but what I'm really looking forward to is the vacation with Gary...or rather the whole lifetime ahead of us.
I know it's been all that I've talked about / thought about / wrote about recently, but considering that in exactly one month I'll be promising myself to him for the rest of my life, this is a pretty big deal.
So maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase, as they call it. Or maybe we'll stay this way for a while. I just find it comforting that even big decisions or potential challenges that come up seem to work themselves out without much of a problem. It has to be the grace of God. When I find myself worried or stressed about something, it helps so much that we lift it up and surrender the situation to God and trust that He'll take care of it. It amazes me the most to look back and realize that many of the solutions have been Gary's ideas - or what he calls "inspirations" - that always seem to offer the simple solutions we'd been waiting on.
Some people just need a second chance to be everything that He made them to be. Put them in the perfect conditions to grow and they bear abundant fruit...much more than they ever thought they were capable of.
That's my fiance.
I'm going to miss calling him my fiance. Being engaged has been wonderful...but then of course, marriage is the real deal. The joy multiplies and so does the love. Just think - ten years from now...twenty years from now...and God willing, thirty years from now, we'll look at each other and say that we love each other more than we did on our wedding day.
That's why we need to keep working at this relationship, and why we're going to need His guidance along the way.
Praise God for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Perhaps I do not fully understand or appreciate all that it entails, but that's the beauty of discovering that with your spouse as the years go by. We're more ready now than we've ever been, thanks to the prayers and the counsel of others who have had the privilege of living out this very special vocation.
Here we go.............in His name. Amen, Lord, amen.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 11:56 PM 0 comments
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Wedding Bells
I'm really glad that we stuck to the plan.
When we got engaged in August of last year, I wasn't sure what would be ahead of us. But here we are, one month away from the big day and I'm so amazed at how God has guided every moment of it all.
People ask me all the time how the wedding plans are coming along. I don't have much of a reaction other than saying that not having to put a reception together really does take a load off your shoulders. We've been really flexible with everything in regards to the wedding day - not knowing where exactly the Mass would be (tent or church), not knowing if members of our wedding party would be able to make it because of expected babies (yay, more kiddos!) and having proxies jump in a few weeks before, not knowing how family members would react to our decision to break through the social norm of having a big party afterwards.
Taking a step back and seeing the big picture, it really does reflect who we are as a couple. Other people have their preferences and circumstances - which we're able to appreciate as well when we attend their weddings - but it's great to say that we were able to offer this day to God the way that He wants us to.
What I have really enjoyed is the preparation we've been taking for our marriage. Lots of great conversations about the important issues in the married life...challenges that we might face...blessings that await us...knowing that He will be there every step of the way to carry us through the rest of our lives together.
It is exciting, and it helps that so many people are praying for us. To ask for prayer doesn't mean that we're worried about our relationship. To ask for prayer means that we know how much we need God's grace to sustain and nurture this Sacrament. From what I've learned after reading books, talking to married couples, and working things out with Gary each day, I'm realizing more and more how humbling it is to unite yourself to another person. It's not about you anymore and the things that you want for yourself. It's about opening yourself up to a person that God has sent into your life to teach you how to love and sacrifice for.
I'm so thankful that He gave me another chance at giving my heart away again because it helped me remember how imperfect my own love is without His. This relationship has taught me what it means to seek His will in everything we do and every decision we make. It has blessed me with lessons I can pass on to my own children about the seriousness of marriage and the maturity required to even think about committing yourself to someone for the long term.
And being at Jacob's baptism yesterday, seeing Robby and Emeline offer their child to God and His church, made me realize that how we live our lives as single people...how we handle ourselves in our courtships...how we give to each other in marriage...it all affects how we raise our children and how our children will then go on to live out their vocations when they grow into adulthood.
At our meeting last Monday, Fr. Ed said that maybe we might just have a child that becomes a priest someday. That would be absolutely wonderful. But if we are blessed with children, I just pray that they will grow up to love God and trust Him...to want to live in His will and work for His kingdom whether it's in the single, married or religious life.
Only God knows what the future holds....
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 8:41 AM 0 comments
Friday, June 02, 2006
Flow
I should be taking a nap right now, but it's too hot in my room to sleep. So I'm taking up another form of rest for me.........writing.
I used to write a lot. Stories. Plays. Some poems. A lot of journal entries. Just spilling out my soul. I figured no one could really appreciate my writing except me, so I didn't bother sharing much of it with anyone. When I'd take a risk and offer my writing for others to read, sometimes it would be received well. Sometimes it wouldn't.
I think that's why I really like reading other people's writing, especially when it's writing by people I know...because I know how scary it can be to put your heart on paper and leave it open to criticism or praise...both of which can be difficult to receive.
Haven't been writing lately. I've been busy. Like I haven't been praying as much as I used to. But I've recently found that I don't even have to set aside hours at a time to talk with God. I can actually have brief conversations with him throughout my day...as if He was a friend walking with me at any given moment.
Really, that's what He is.
Maybe when I'm pressed for time, I can try to translate this kind of flexibility to my writing. My friend Cecille journals on anything she can find...scraps of paper, napkins, pieces of cloth...and sometimes they're not even expressed in words.
Could I be growing in a new direction?
It's a little strange that I'm not as sensitive to what others think of my writing anymore. Perhaps it's because I'm getting more and more comfortable with who I am. If they read it, they read it. If they learn something, great. If they don't, maybe the lesson was just for me. No big deal.
At the heart of it all, however, this is a huge part of who I am. When I don't write, I get overwhelmed...more easily stressed out...unable to express my thoughts verbally because I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen to what's going on in my head. So I just get all cluttered inside. Kind of like how I'm feeling right now.
I said earlier that maybe someday I could burn my journals. Where that came from, I couldn't even tell you. I could just be on this rampage of clearing out my life...but that would be erasing myself...or a very significant part of my journey completely.
Who would read them anyway?
I would.
I want to go back and revisit the days when I would contemplate my life's purpose...when I'd ask myself what in the world I was doing here...when I'd wonder if any sense could be made out of the emotional and spiritual experiences that I couldn't understand.
This blog here is even a remnant of the ashes. The sad thing is that it was easier to just click "Delete blog" than it was to go to the beach and start a bonfire. This site...it has been my attempt to come back. The others were filled with memories of so many people...gone.
Slowly but surely, I'm salvaging my past and hunting for the good that came out of the past four years.
Buried treasure, waiting for me to find.
In time...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 6:44 PM 0 comments
Friday, May 19, 2006
Surrender
I had to give it all up to Him because I didn't know who else to turn to. Even the strongest people in your life will not be able to support you all the time. They're human, too. Very human at best.
So I let it go. It was hard to experience...the questioning...the anxiety...the lies that were being poured into me. The spiritual battle that seems more difficult now. In the past, my companions and I would balance each other out, in the sense that one would be there to help carry the other. This time it's total dependence on God because we both struggle at the same time just as intensely as the other.
Few times have I gone through attacks like that but they seem to come more frequently when something really great is about to happen.
And I'm praying that something great is happening right now.
It's almost 10:00...First Visit. Please help him surrender, Kuya Jess.
So aware of our limitations. Challenges coming from people who care...who are curious...who are just plain concerned.
Are you sure this is the one, Gary? But she's sick. Are you ready, Marianne? Are you really ready?
I am sick. I've actually been sick. Not at my worst but bad enough that it's getting so hard to take care of so many things at the same time. Can't get a whole lot done when it feels like a hammer is being pounded into your head or when you try to get out of bed and your legs somehow aren't cooperating very well.
Whatever happened to my understanding of redemptive suffering?
I get down on myself because I don't think I can do a whole lot of good like this...that maybe I'm not good enough to marry this man who wants to love me so much.
But you know what? There is a greater good to all of this. There has to be.
And at this very moment, someone I know who is very close to my heart needs my prayers and the grace that can come to her through the physical, spiritual and emotional pain I can offer up...just so that she can be okay...just so that she can have peace and know everything is in the hands of God.
I can do some good for a little soul not even a day old by believing that he is being held in the palm of the Father's hand...that his birth and the trials that are coming with it are giving his parents the strength of saints. The strength that allows them to put their hope in what He alone can do to keep him alive.
Yes, great things are happening because people are praying. We are learning to surrender everything to Him...everything we have...everything we are...having faith that we are going to witness miracles this weekend.
So many more miracles than we could have ever imagined.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 9:52 PM 0 comments
Thursday, May 18, 2006
What it means to believe
My kids ask me every year - "What if we're making all this effort to follow the commandments and going to church, and we die and find out that there's no heaven?"
And I tell them - "Well, if there really isn't a heaven, at least you lived your life every day believing in it. That way, you kind of helped this world become a reflection of what heaven would have been like."
We get really philosophical...which is good and bad at the same time.
But nevertheless, it's all part of the faith journey.
You never really have faith if you don't have the opportunity to question it. You can be obedient...but that's not an owned faith. That stage of obedience is where it all begins...you trust in the one who tells you what to do and what to believe because you think that they are telling you the truth. You think that they sincerely are looking out for the best interests of your soul.
One day, however, the choice becomes your own. You reach the point where you're no longer doing or believing for the sake of somebody else. You make a choice to do or to believe because you want to...because you've come to the conclusion at the end of your search that what they were telling you really was true. You realize that after all this time, you've at last fallen in love with what you have chosen to put your faith in.
At times, it seems like a lonely road to tread. No one really understands where you've been...why you think the way you do or act the way you act. They don't get why you feel the way you feel about certain things because there has not been one person who has followed you throughout your entire life experience and experienced it with you.
Except Jesus.
He knows why you question, why you doubt, and why you fear. He knows what makes you stumble and what gives you the strength to get back up. He knows how hard it is...how painful it is...how humiliating it can be to subject yourself to living in this world.
Then all of a sudden, the road isn't so lonely anymore.
I wish I had as much patience with myself as He has with me. He stops to wait when I get tired. He dries my tears when I feel like giving up. He even absorbs my frustration when I get lost and don't know where I'm going.
Dear Kuya Jess, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you can love us so much to sacrifice as much as you did, just so we could be cleansed of our sins. I don't know how you put up with our weaknesses and keep taking us back no matter how many times we've turned our backs on you.
All I know is that you do.
I don't have your heart but I want your love.
And then you show me what your heart looks like...and you say that the pierced and wounded heart you have is the only kind of heart that will hold the kind of love you give.
Pierced and wounded.
"The pain never goes away, Marianne."
I can hear Dominic's voice loud and clear.
I think I remember what that was like. I can't get married and start a family if I've completely lost sight of that. I can't call myself a Christian if I've forgotten what that means.
Blessed are the poor in spirit...
Blessed are those who mourn...
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are the peacemakers...
Blessed are the pure in heart...
Blessed are those who are persecuted for My sake...
I was going to write on a completely different topic but I don't even remember what it was. Maybe I just wanted to remind myself that I do believe in Heaven...and maybe I'm praying that I'll see a piece of it this weekend.
Basta Ikaw, Lord.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 10:39 PM 0 comments
Sunday, May 14, 2006
A Gift of Love - The legacy we hope to offer future generations
"Teach me, my Lord, to be sweet and gentle in all events of life - in disappointments, in the thoughtlessness of those I trusted, in the unfaithfulness of those whom I relied on. Let me put myself aside to think of the happiness of others, to hide my little pains and heartaches so that I may be the only one to suffer from them. Teach me to profit from the suffering that comes across my path. Let me use it, that it may make me patient, not irritable; that it may make me broad in forgiveness, not narrow, haughty or overbearing. May no one be less good by having come within my influence, no one less pure, less true, less kind, less noble for having been a fellow traveler in our journey toward eternal life. As we go our rounds from one destruction to another, let us whisper from time to time a word of love and thanks to you. May our lives be lived in the supernatural - full of powerful good and strong in its purpose of sanctity. Amen."
(from Jubilaeum 2000 album)
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 1:41 AM 0 comments