He always leaves me smiling

How did I end up with someone so great?

Last Thursday marked six months with Gary, and I continue to be left amazed by this relationship. He's absolutely wonderful. Things that most guys would run away from, he's faced head on. Accepting every single part of me along with the normality that will never exist has been his piece of cake. And for six months, I've wondered why. What made this all possible? There is only one answer that comes to mind...

God.

God can take you with all of your weaknesses, faults and failings and transform your life into a masterpiece so beautiful that you can become the joy in the life of another person who is also filled with their own shortcomings.

He brought us together, and the prayers of everyone around me definitely helped it along without either of us knowing it.

I wasn't ready for anything more than a friendship when I met him, but I knew that he was being introduced into my life for a reason. But because I shut myself inside the prison of my own heart, I couldn't figure out why he was there. Months went by and people would ask...

"He's really nice," I would tell them. "But that's it." I couldn't let him in. There was nothing I felt I could give him...or anybody else for that matter...

We were "pen pals" from June-December '04, writing each other often but seeing each other pretty rarely...talking on the phone even less than that. I replied to his emails because his initiation and responses were full of a lot of thought and heart. Very sincere. This was your typical "nice guy". Nevertheless, even despite his goodness, I didn't expect it to turn into this.

Why not?

He was different from all the other guys I knew. He was a Zeta so we had mutual friends from college, though not once did we meet or notice each other even if we were at the same places and events. We shared leadership experience, as well as time in "the scene". From the first prayer meeting I invited him to, I found out that he loved the rosary and had a very simple prayer life. Sounds fine, doesn't it? He was a cross between my old PAC/Zeta brothers and my new family in SH. I honestly didn't know how to react to it because there was no strain in him as far as feeling torn between two worlds. He seemed to adapt well with life and I really admired this. But I had completely left everything that I was years ago and assumed that we just wouldn't be able to relate.

Surprisingly, something kept him around. I didn't get it.

Now I do.

After some time, I recognized the depth of brokenness in my spirit stemming from my childhood - a fragmented state of being that I seemed to learn to live with. I never really felt stable because I was always trying to find a place of peace where I could be accepted and feel fulfilled. This partly explains why I had so many different types of friends and went out with guys of different personalities (that sounds like they were schizophrenic - no, that's not what I mean...haha).

Very comfortable with being single, I was well-settled into my prayer community at SH and making a new home at St. Peter Chanel, allowing God to mold me into a new person that wanted only to love and serve Him. I refused to date around and just kept my associations to the friends who kept me both happy and accountable. Gary was still there but I didn't know exactly how he fit in to the big picture.

Come December, my heart softened a little...at least enough to let him take me out to watch Les Miserables...a birthday/Christmas package that made its impression in a way that only Gary could leave. Anyone could have done the same thing, but he had this unique flair about him. The way that he did things was just like his emails. He put his whole heart...his whole self into every little detail.

Funny that I was so used to being a giver in life that I didn't know how to receive. Being that I also didn't play the "dating game", I didn't know how to read all this or respond to him. As much as my friends and family told me that there was something to it, I didn't give it much thought. I just didn't think I'd be the one he was looking for. At that point I was way too damaged that he'd only be asking for a cross to carry.

And funny that my cross is what he wanted.

It was just like Leo said it would be some time ago. There would be someone who would be more than happy to share the load and pick up my cross. He would do it with so much joy because he loved me. Another prophetic foreshadowing of the man who would give everything just to "win my heart".

If I wrote about all the ways Gary has shown his willingness to make the long and narrow road the most beautiful journey for me, I'd be up all night. I think I finally had to tell part of the story myself just so I can acknowledge my own reality. He could have walked away. I could have just as easily kept him at a distance. But there was something much stronger than any fear either of us could ever have.

Love.

Any obstacle that has threatened to get in the way has been conquered by this love...and it is only the love of God poured into his heart that helps me each day grow into a whole person again.

I know it's not going to be easy, and it will definitely not be perfect. But at least I know that there are great possibilities for us if we keep Him in the center of our relationship.

The lessons I'm learning with him are unbelievable. Again, I wish I could write it all down, but I think the more important thing is that I live it out.

This is so exciting... =)

"The Lord God says this, 'I shall pour clean water over you and you will be cleansed. I shall give you a new heart, and put a new spirit in you. I shall remove the heart of stone from your bodies and give you a heart of flesh instead. I shall put my spirit in you. You shall be my people and I will be your God." (Ezek. 36:22-26)