Lord, that I may see!

"We may not trust too much to ourselves; for grace and understanding are wanting in us; there is but little light and this we may soon lose by negligence. Oftentimes we are quite unconscious how blind we are. We often do amiss, and do worse in excusing ourselves. Sometimes we are moved by passion, and think it zeal. We blame little things in others and overlook great things in ourselves. We are quick enough in perceiving and weighing what we bear from others; but we think little of what others have to bear with us. He that should well and justly weigh his own doings would find little cause to judge harshly of another."
- from Imitation of Christ, Book 2, Chapter 5

This means something to you, doesn't it? Pray, little one, that you will not become a cross for another by your sins and rash judgment. If you are sent into the lives of others, you are to be a blessing, not a curse. Over time, you have seen yourself go from one spectrum to another...your life in the world vs. your life in Christ. You have been feeling the pull back into your former self in how you deal with yourself and with some of your closest relationships as well.

Please do not allow this to progress any further than it already has. Your ways and God's ways are very different. If you trust in yourself, you will surely fall, as you have in the past. If you trust in God and ask Him to give you His eyes, His ears, and His heart, you will make yourself available to an entirely new way of being. You know this because you had this. You remember. Now you remember.

You can pretend to think and speak and act like everyone else, but your spirit will die. You are different because you have to be different. You are different because you were made different. Jesus was considered a revolutionary because He was different, too. See, I told you that you weren't alone. So if you let Him live in you, there is no way that you can not be different. This means you cannot be who you were. You must change, each day growing more and more in holiness. It is only He within you who remains the same, as you were telling Maurice.

Jesus, the same yesterday, today, and forever. Always.

"Remember the first days when you were enlightened. You had to undergo a hard struggle in the face of suffering. Publicly you were exposed to humiliations and trials, and had to share the sufferings of others who were similarly treated. You showed solidarity with those in prison; you were dispossessed of your goods and accepted it gladly for you knew you were acquiring a much better and more durable possession. Do not throw away your confidence that will be handsomely rewarded. Be patient in doing the will of God, and the promise will be yours." (Heb 10:32-38)