"Sanctify yourself and you will sanctify society."
I'm up and can't go back to sleep...so much started filling my head...good things this time.
My fears have been getting the better of me lately, but I was just reading a couple of nights ago that being afraid and anxious, especially during the last stages of pregnancy, could contribute to a difficult childbirth. So I've been praying more...talking to Jesus...praying for our baby and letting the little one know that I love him/her.
The anxiety had driven me to call upon the help of my guardian angel as well, since we just celebrated the Feast of the Guardian Angels last Tuesday and it was a topic in 6th grade Religion this week. Leilani told me before I lost little Gary that I don't have to feel lonely when I'm by myself because I'll always have the baby and my guardian angel with me. Six-year-olds (at least this one...who is now 7 and growing) have great moments of inspiration to share when you really need them.
I miss my family.
Even though I love coming back to Culver City and going back to work to teach the kids, I get very reminiscent of the times I had with my sisters, brother, mom, and niece when I was living in Buena Park. Things are different now that everyone has their own families and their lives have taken on new directions, but at least I have these entries to read again and again to recall those memories that mean the most.
I've been too busy to update lately, and there's so much to thank God for these last couple of weeks.
I've been praying for two of my classmates at LMU who are also trying to start their families - one who has been married for 6 years and another who lost her baby early on last year, too.
In a world that does not offer much safety and security for children to grow up in these days, it is very encouraging to see how much hope couples have to continue to want to be parents. Feeling my own child move within me and nearing the date of arrival, I make promises to myself and to God that I will do my best to raise him/her to love good and shun evil...and I become more aware that we need to give life a chance to flourish through souls who will shine His light. But what kind of future would we have if we never gave these children the opportunity to live? And so I also pray for parents who battle every day against society's negative influences and strive to protect the purity and faith in their families.
"It is not easy," my mom would tell me, "but it is definitely worth it."
Every day that I get up and teach my students, I renew the commitment I have to support the important role parents have to play in the formation of their children. I understand the challenges my kids face as teenagers, but I also advocate for their well-being and they know it.
This past Wednesday after the surprise baby shower from the SJS Faculty and Staff, I walked up to the backyard, only to find my 7th graders - amidst balloons, streamers, food and gifts - blowing party horns and yelling out, "HAPPY BABY SHOWER!!!" Two showers in a row...back to back...I think it took me a good 20 minutes to get over the shock. =)
One of the first things they handed to me was a letter from them to the baby to read when he/she is about 10 years old. I have to share it with you because it made me cry...
Dear Young Reader,
Class of 2009 wants you to know that you have an amazing mother. She has taught us so much and has been there for each of us as individuals. It is as if she is also our mother along with yours. As you grow up, you wil realize what we are talking about. Your mom will teach you everything that you need to know, just as she has done with us. We hate to see her leave for her maternity leave, but as she sacrificed for us, we must for her. Just know that if you follow the examples of your mother, you will be successful in life. Always remember that before you can get to Heaven, you have to live your life holy on earth. Learn from your mistakes, and know that God will always love you. Avoid temptation, for is can lead to sin, but remember that temptation itself is not a sin, for we are only human. Live life truly happy, and don't hold on to things; this means that fame and fortune aren't always the richest things. Carry love wherever you go, but don't be selfish, and share the love to those who need it. Listen to your mother, she loves you very much, and so do the people who have awaited your coming!
God bless you,
Class of 2009
My students are probably more excited about the baby than anyone else I know and I have to be grateful for their prayers and support. When my first year at SJS ended in June, I missed them so much...I think I had withdrawals for a week after school got out. They and my coworkers have been my family out here in LA, and I do love them all so much. It overwhelms me to think about how much greater my heart will expand when I lay my eyes on my own baby for the first time and see the joy on my husband's face.
With such a blessed meeting to look forward to, what reason is there to be afraid?
May God be with us.
+AMDG+
"It is not particularly difficult to find thousands who will spend two or three hours a day exercising, but if you ask them to bend their knees to God for five minutes of prayer, they protest that it is too long."
– Bishop Fulton Sheen
After school I looked down at my tummy and saw (and felt!) something protruding next to my belly button! I lightly massaged the area and the baby moved his/her foot back with the rest of his/her body. That was pretty cool. =)
The first week of school went really well. Aside from being a little tired and having swollen feet from standing all day, I must say that I am so glad to be back with the kids and my coworkers. I'm having a great time trying new things in my classroom and I'm looking forward to the many opportunities I will have to use what I learned in my Ed Psych class from LMU Summer Session.
I haven't had a teacher who has inspired me that way in a long time. Dr. Binfet sparked a new passion for so many different aspects of teaching that I am incredibly grateful for having been taught by him. This guy COMMUTES from Canada to Los Angeles just for his classes on the weekends, and now I see why the school does not want to let him go. Amazing man. He's a farmer and a principal of a small community school, and he has this way with people that makes you feel so comfortable and open to experiencing new things. I've always loved being a teacher, but now that love is reaching a whole new level...and that is exciting.
Good times.
I could use some ice cream right about now...
Lord, grant me the patience to remain silent when I would rather defend myself,
the humility to receive correction or advice that is given with the best intentions,
and the grace to know that I must always look to You in all situations and circumstances.
Amen.
My relationship with God...I'm not sure exactly what about it is in question...at least in my own mind...but it occured to me in Mass this evening that I do love Him. I may not always feel His presence, but I know He's there with me...especially in the Blessed Sacrament. I think I'd just like to know why I am so hesitant and apprehensive...why I'm not confident in this relationship. Because I know He loves me. I know I love Him. Maybe I feel that I'm not doing enough for Him...that I have to make Him proud of me like I felt I had to make my parents proud of me when I was younger. I have to understand, however, that God is a little different. While I know that my mom and dad did love me and made sacrifices for my well-being, God is even infinitely more loving. If I make mistakes, He is always ready to forgive me and to give me the graces to get back up and try again. I don't have to worry about being a disappointment because He sees that I'm trying. He knows that I'm not perfect and He accepts that. And He's constantly calling me back into His arms, not as a judge but as a Father.
We truly do have such an awesome God.
I think I've been so hard on myself because I thought for so long that I needed to apologize to the world for who I am and what I do. I think I take constructive criticism pretty well if I know it's coming from someone who's rooting me on, but if it's harsh and condemning, it just hurts and makes me want to give up. Now that I'm a parent and have to make decisions with my husband for my own family, I'm seeing that I cannot wait for the approval of other people...for the pat on the back...for the encouragement to move forward in those decisions.
I'm learning...a lot.
Being married and pregnant have both taught me how to grow up. It wasn't that long ago when I honestly looked to my mom and my spiritual director to tell me what to do when I couldn't figure out God's will for my life. Neither of them would give me answers because they told me that ultimately my choices had to be my own because I'd be the one to live with the consequences that came with them. They both gave good advice...most of which I followed...but when I ventured off on my own and took a leap of faith to follow the promptings of my heart, I realized how important it was to know myself deeply and listen to the subtle ways God was guiding me.
Maybe I just had to become comfortable with the fact that I'm not a little girl anymore.
I'm a woman...a wife...a mother...a teacher. I can think for myself, but I'm not all-knowing. People will look at me and see either a lot less or a lot more than what I really am, but God knows what I'm really made of. And it's His opinion of me that counts more than anyone else's. I will not compromise what I know is right and just. I will not conform to the ways of the world. God be my help and my strength, for there will be many who will not understand. I just have to remember the responsibility I have for my own soul and those around me...to love, to forgive, to pray and to serve.
My treasure is in Heaven, and I'm simply making my journey HOME.
Just finished another paper. Whew!
It's been a great week, studying-wise. I'm getting more and more motivated as I move along in my coursework...to the point where I'm starting to like my textbook and looking up journal articles. =)
I've also been doing a lot of additional reading. See below:
Basically my day goes like this...
7:30 Gary says goodbye to me and Baby and leaves for work
9:30 Wake up and eat breakfast. Then I pick up one of the books I'm reading
11:00 Get ready for Mass and walk to St. Augustine
12:10 Mass at St. Augustine with Fr. Rich (he's been there every day since last week...I guess everyone else is on vacation) + Rosary
1:10 Eat lunch and read again. Do prenatal yoga, if possible
2:30 Take a nap
4:30 Wake up and eat something. Then read/study again
5:30 Make dinner
6:30 Gary comes home. Eat dinner and listen to him talk about his day at work
8:00 Do homework
10:00 Get ready for bed, pray with Gary and try to fall asleep
My summer's been pretty simple. I do get to visit my family once a week and have school with Leilani and Elijah. Jaymee helps me while I teach them about the Great Saints in World History. We have a great time - I really enjoy it and I'm so amazed at how well they read and how much they understand about following God. Very fun. Leilani is so cute because she has to dress up in her St. Pius uniform every time. She calls it her "saint outfit". =) I love it. Can't wait to homeschool!
These days are the best, and I truly cherish them because my schedule will be packed again in August when school starts up again at St. Jerome. I'm a little nervous about how busy I will be once the baby comes, but I'm excited at the same time because at least I feel more equipped to face the challenges I'll have both in the classroom and at home. It helps so much to be going to Mass and receiving communion every day. Even if it's not perfect, life just seems more peaceful.
It's like I'm on retreat or something. =)
Another thought for the day from Gary: "Always look for the good in a situation and it will help you find the right resolution."
I got three hours of sleep last night, but life is good because...
Every time I've been called to jury duty I've been kicked out of the box for one reason or another. I guess the attorneys just assume that I'll be biased somehow. This time I was preparing to be called in to the courtroom again. I wasn't dreading it because I do find our judicial process pretty interesting, but I was really happy that I didn't have to leave the holding area and got to work on my project the whole time I was there. Whoohoo!!!
See, it's things like this that give me confirmation that God likes me...hehe...especially since I get summoned pretty much every year.
I'm just glad that I got done before the 5pm deadline. Gary sent me the following quote on Monday and I find it holding true for me and my schoolwork for this Credential/Master's program:
Remember that to do a good job you don't have to love what you do, just the desire to do it well.
I will admit to you that I do not like to study. I don't like reading chapters upon chapters at a time and having to write all these papers for school. But ever since I made the commitment to fully apply myself as a student during my last two years at Cal State Long Beach, I can't give any less than my best when I work. It feels good to try hard and to push through something that's difficult and challenging. That's what I expect from my students, so I should be able to follow through myself.
Of course I would rather be finishing my Master's in Theology right now, but this opportunity at LMU is definitely helping me become a better teacher. It's a rigorous program but surely worth the effort. I'm learning a lot about myself and my students, and I appreciate those teachers who truly know the meaning of good teaching.
That's one lesson I know Gary and I will be sharing with our child/ren. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and persevere, even when you're tired or discouraged, because God gave you the skills and the talent to do the kind of work that you do. I know Gary is good at what he does because he's making an effort to learn more on the job and outside the training room. He cares about his players, he prays for his coaches and coworkers, and he even takes what he's gained as a trainer and passes it on to friends and family who might benefit. It was nice to see him and Abie working out together almost every day last week when we were in Vegas. Great bonding between the two of them, and I'm thankful that my husband also cares enough about my brother's health to help him out along the way. Very inspiring!
Okay, I shall be going now. Thanks for reading this random entry. I need a break from this computer screen. God bless!
The challenges were definitely not what I expected. The enemy really knows how to get to me, and all I can ever do is pray through those moments. Thank God for a pretty good week overall. I actually didn't come back more disturbed. I returned much more aware...and more grateful. How His grace truly sustains us. Were it not for God's goodness, we would all so easily fall into our most impassioned weaknesses, whatever they are.
Gary and I also celebrated our 1-year anniversary this past weekend at Glen Ivy, went to Mass at SPC, and ate yummy Hawaiian food at The Loft. I'm very, very blessed to have him for my husband. Happy anniversary, my kane!
I must say that while the enemy is strong, God's love is so much stronger. In those times of doubt, we often question Him...we question ourselves...we question so many things for so many reasons. I remembered all of those days and nights I would spent at St. Peter Chanel and many a church seeking consolation in the face of such a confused future. Kneeling in our "usual spot" with Gary by my side, I was showered with the love of God and the realization that much of what I had been waiting for was found in our relationship. It was all a matter of time, as people would say...but I believe that in the end, it was more of a matter of trust. As I looked up at the image of the Divine Mercy and read the words, "Jesus, I Trust in You", I could only thank God for finally letting me in on what He was doing in my life - especially with this little one growing inside my womb. And it's all so absolutely beautiful...
I never thought I'd go back to Las Vegas. The city and I just do not mix. However, out of familial duties to my mother, I am going to accompany her to her 40th anniversary reunion for UST Medical School. Mind you, I am very hesitant about the trip, considering that I have a hard time even watching TV most of the time for a number of reasons...but I tried my best to somehow make it a vacation I can enjoy as well.
So, I found a Catholic church right down the street from our resort that has daily Mass at 11:30am with Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament from 10am-1pm. It's not SPC, but it'll do to get me through the week. Jesus will still be there, and I'm very happy about that. =) Pray for me, please, because I somehow manage to always come back feeling very disturbed. I don't think I'll be any less disturbed this time, but again...adoration and Holy Communion is adoration and Holy Communion no matter where you are...so it's definitely something to look forward to!
We're also going to see Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian. Gary and I love musicals, so we're excited about that as well. Not excited about the heat, though. I checked the weather and it's 110-113 for the high out there for the next week. Whew!
Okay, time to see my fam bam to celebrate Robby's promotion (congratulations BiL!). Hope you're all enjoying your summer!
Over a month after my last entry, I find that I don't have a lot to write. Well, I actually do, but I have been spending my time doing a good deal of reading and sleeping and planning for the next school year since my maternity leave will hit a month and a half after school starts.
I have enjoyed my vacation, though. It's nice to wake up whenever I want to and to go to sleep a little later than usual.
So what's going on in my life these days?
Now that we're in the fifth month, I'm appreciating this whole experience in a much more relaxed state...not just because I'm out of school, but because I'm more excited than scared nowadays. I'm also reminding myself that this child is a wonderful miracle...that there is absolutely no reason to complain about things like weight gain, stretch marks, back pains, etc., etc. that come with carrying the baby for nine months and bringing him/her into the world.
Honestly, it's kind of been a challenge for me to stay positive because plenty of people have so many negative things to say and it's easy to fall into that mindset, too. But I don't want to get stuck in all the thoughts about how the baby is inconveniencing us and how my life will be turned upside down by a kid that is more of a burden than a gift from God. I want to remember how blessed I am to be a mother, and how grateful Gary and I are that we even get to have another chance to be parents.
That's why I so greatly admire those parents who live their vocation to the fullest. One of those people was my dad, who did have a difficult time (because I - to say the least - was a difficult child) but plugged along and did his job anyway. I used to ask him if it was hard raising the four of us, and every time he would smile and say that no matter what he would try his best and not think about how hard it was because if he did, he'd just quit. Never once did I hear him complain.
Self-denial...that's something I pray to learn and put into practice.
It all starts with the little things.
I believe You have every moment held in Your hands. As I fell asleep last night, I couldn't help but cry out to You to take it all from me and pour Your grace into my life, my relationships, my pregnancy, my job. The cross...it's been heavy lately...but it's times like these that remind me how tightly I need to cling to You.
I've learned not to attach conditions to the trust I place in You. I've learned to accept each blessing and each heartache...even when I'm tempted to say that there is a limit to my openness...I can't tell You that I will stop believing and stop trusting if certain things go wrong.
You love me, Lord, and You love every person who has ever walked this earth. So when we need You...when anyone needs You, You're there. You always have been. I asked You today at Mass if You hear me, and You said You do. You know what I need. You know what must happen and what You will allow to me in order for this life to be fruitful. I don't understand it all, but at least I can find comfort in knowing that I am loved.
It's Pentecost on Sunday. The gifts...they're not dead. The Spirit...He dwells here within us and among us, sustaining our faith and upholding our Church. Jesus, You left us with the consolation that you would be with us until the end of time...as the world passes away...
The parting words of Christ:
"Behold, the hour is coming and has arrived when each of you will be scattered to his own home and you will leave me alone. But I am not alone, because the Father is with me. I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." (John 16:32-33)
People get mad. They say things that hurt each other. Trust is broken. Friendships end. Those involved go their separate ways. It happens.
And then what?
I think that's when God uses circumstances in our lives to bring us back to either face the wounds or work to reconcile with the people whom we have left.
Our hearts were not made to be hardened and He knows that better than anyone else.
So sometimes He'll break us down. Sometimes He'll do whatever it takes to chip away at the walls.
When I see my kids get caught up in each other's conflicts, I can only imagine how much more difficult it will be for them down the road. Because I remember what that was like, not too long ago...
There has to be a better way.
"As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
- Jesus
You cannot be half a saint. You must be a whole saint or no saint at all.
– St. Therese of Lisieux
I have to stop:
Avoiding sin doesn't cut it anymore. He's calling me to a deeper relationship...something I knew once upon a time...when He was...
EVERYTHING.
Be grateful. Believe that He knows what He's doing. Have faith that somehow life will work out because He loves me.
Can you do that, Marianne?
Can you help me, God?
Hi. I'm just waiting for my husband to come home...sitting here as my uterus is stretching...hahaha.
Jenn and I have come to the conclusion that a baby is going through growth spurts when you feel your most tired. That was her yesterday, and that is me today. I woke up at 9am, ate breakfast, fell asleep again and didn't get up until 1:30. Wow.
During my brief break from grading papers, I read a children's book that I have called Moses: When Harriet Tubman Led Her People to Freedom. It was so inspiring and very spiritual. I never really knew much about her or remembered what I learned maybe once upon a time, but I'm glad I picked it up because it reminded me of how God can really use one person to make such a huge difference in the lives of people who are oppressed. Hers is a story of victory. She never said she wouldn't or couldn't. She just did it.
You should read this book, too. It's pretty awesome.
I want to have faith like she did. I want courage like that. I want to be able to trust that as impossible as a task may seem, God will give me the grace to complete it.
My kids have gone, and it's quiet again...though I must say that I miss them when they're gone. They make me laugh more than they frustrate me, and sometimes it seems like they take care of me more than I take care of myself.
I love being a teacher.
So I just finished some major assignments for my LMU program and I just have to get a final exam in by the end of the week. But at least I get to sleep again... One more year! I really like what I'm learning and I actually enjoy doing the work...it's just hard when you have to juggle school and a full-time job at the same time. In the end, I'm sure it'll be worth it.
Better to get all this out of the way sooner than later.
Good times with my family - Em and I had some quality sister bonding time, and I got to play with Jacob, who gets cuter and cuter every time I see him. It's funny how kids are so entertaining when they're little. As much as they require a lot of patience and sacrifice, the joy that they can bring is invaluable. A part of me wants to have my own child just so I can bring him or her over to Mommy's house to make her happy. I know how much she loves her apos, and that's something I want to give her, too.
Gary came back last night from his trip up north with the baseball team. I was so glad to have him back. Going to church by myself...visiting family...eating dinner...going to sleep without him. It's just not the same. Sometimes I would just lie in bed and tears would start filling my eyes because I would miss him so much...but then he'd somehow find a way to make me feel better by texting me at just the right time. At least he only has one more road trip left. Even if it's hard, it's a good sign that I miss him. If I didn't, I think there would be something seriously wrong with me.
More highlights of the weekend:
God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good!
