Holding my hand

He's moving me along. The prompting in my heart to pursue the nagging desire led me to a place I never knew existed. And somehow it just fits.

By no means am I running away from anything. It's a bittersweet feeling to have to leave people you have shared so much with...to leave places that have come to mean so much. Everywhere I've ever been has somehow been "home" to me. Everyone I've ever met has somehow become "family".

But maybe somehow in my walking away and going towards, in my taking with me and my letting go, I am in some way embracing the world and learning more this way than I ever could before.

How I have wished I could have kept certain friends and lived closer to certain family members over the years. I've longed for the lazy days of hanging out with the girls and going to movies. I've missed the Sunday morning talks on my bed with my sisters. And my kids...how I've wanted to see them grow up...to know how they would be inspired over the years...to be there for the special landmark moments, especially when they'd be looking for answers in regards to their faith. Prayer meetings and Kappa meetings, PCN practices and music min practices. All memories of times I know I'll never have again.

And today I look forward while glancing back, well aware of the sadness I will feel and the excitement of what awaits me in the coming months.

So much change all at once. But it's going to be okay. Actually, it's going to be good for me and those He will give me to love and to serve.

I wanted to be able to trust God completely with every aspect of my life, and now here is my opportunity. He carries it all so close to His heart because He does that with everybody. He has a plan for each one of us and it's something that we need to believe and have faith in. I will go where He wants me to go, and where He wants me to go seems to be very clear.

Continuing to question myself at times is a weakness I struggle with, but it appears that when He deems necessary for our lives to move in a particular direction, He will make the path straight, though narrow it may be. I have to trust that. I have to know that He will be there...that He is here now...and that He will be there for everyone I leave behind.

That's just how it has always worked out.

So I give this all to You, dear Lord. Embracing my present and the day I now live in with the people You have placed in my life. Please hold me in Your hand and be my support...my courage and my strength. But first and foremost, please be my Love, so that I will cherish the moments You give me and treasure all the lessons learned.

Chosen

"Whenever the divine favor chooses someone to receive a special grace, or to accept a lofty vocation, God adorns the person chosen with all the gifts of the Spirit needed to fulfill the task at hand."
- St. Bernadine of Siena

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You sometimes have to question in order to find the answers. It might take some time to realize that you're in the right place doing the right thing, but once you arrive there for yourself, peace will fill your soul.

Yesterday at Mass, I knew that I had stopped looking for the experiences and started looking for my God. No longer was it about the consolations and the feelings...those have been long gone. I couldn't hold on to the graces He had given me years ago because those gifts were only for that particular time in my life with those particular circumstances.

Now I just want to know that I am doing His will.

About a month ago, I was seriously reflecting on my place at Verbum Dei, wondering if I was done with my mission and needed to move on. When I asked myself, I thought my job was finished. When I asked God, He said otherwise.

I had to pay attention to the moments when I knew He was speaking to me. The four days I spent subbing for Br. Kim's class. The conversation I had with Dominique in my office. The blessed "coincedence" of meeting Jeff BB in the Conference Room during last Thursday's dinner break. The assurance I had given Douglas at my table in the gym. The thanks I received from the parents that night. The entire Faculty & Staff retreat that exploded with the confirmations I had been seeking since December.

It wasn't up to me...but then it was.

I had to make the choice. No one was going to force me to stay. No one was going to force me to leave. I just had to discover the reasons for doing whatever I would choose to do. And they had to be His reasons, not mine.

Our day at LMU was wonderful. Absolutely filled with grace. At least that's what it was for me because I have never experienced a Faculty & Staff retreat as a participant. Fr. Jim and Fr. Wayne Negrete did a great job with putting it all together. I only had to get drinks, do the opening prayer, and lead my small group. The teamwork I had been longing for allowed me to really take in for myself what God wanted me to hear.

And I heard a lot.

Fr. Wayne began the day with a talk about the baptism of Jesus and how He had to leave everything behind to fulfill His purpose. Fr. Jim had pointed out the powerful imagery in the talk that made me understand that Jesus, too, was subject to the will of His Father just like we were. In His baptism, John the Baptist immersed Him under water, with no air, no light, no power in Himself to come up until John decided He was ready to do so. Although Jesus was God, as one of us He was not above God. He also had to surrender so that the Plan could be carried out in His life. A great lesson to be learned for us all.

After Fr. Wayne gave his testimony about his leaving during college to study abroad and pursue different callings as he walked away from the familiar, Nic followed to share those moments in his life when he allowed God to work and guide him along his own path. He spoke of those who he held close to his heart because they were the ones who mentored him and made sure that he stayed faithful. Despite his own desires and ambitions, God still found a way to bring him where he needed to be - and where others needed him to be as well - because there was something that had to be done in their lives through his. The only way that he was able to do this was to remember that he was giving to his students a piece of each person who had loved him...each person who had made him the man he is today. If he let himself get in the way of that, all of his issues would interfere and he would not be able to get it done.

I had to thank him for that. It was the perspective I needed to move through my own self-doubt. The light bulb went on...the fire had reignited...because I remembered who I would be coming back to and the wisdom that they had passed on to me. By myself I didn't have a whole lot. But looking back at the people who helped shaped Marianne, I had a gold mine.

We broke up into small groups and shared our own family backgrounds - what had molded us and influenced us in our faith. It was so enlightening to hear stories from my coworkers, especially since most of my group was new to the staff this year and I didn't know much about where they came from. That time we shared was incredibly valuable since we don't really have the opportunity to visit with each other too often when we're at work.

Lunch time was spent talking to Hector about white rice, Lenten meals, and the importance of family time. I had a great time with him because he's just one of those people that loves to laugh and loves to share - someone you know you can have a real heart-to-heart talk with or just joke around with depending on the mood of the moment.

Brief glances around the Xavier Hall Library gave me the chance to soak in the joy of the people I have worked with all year. I told Fr. Jim that I loved how the day was going, and truly appreciated the work he had put into it.

Br. Rich then shared with us the history of the school and how his order - the Divine Word Missionaries - had started the apostolate, not even being an education ministry. He had been there for 16 years and had seen the ups and downs...hills and valleys...of both the administration and staff and the students. From what he had told us, the campus and student body have improved drastically...and there is hope. It is a great blessing that the archdiocese did not close the school because the community in South Central LA looks to Verb with pride, at least those who do understand our mission. I also felt the love growing within me, so grateful for the legacy that the SVD's had passed on to us.

Then came Mrs. Mingo - our librarian - who I have always known to have a beautiful spirit. She told her story about coming to Verbum Dei and how much work she has done to make the library not only a resource for the students but a place of refuge and solace. In this age of modern technology, most teenagers do not appreciate reading books like they used to, so they may not tap into the wealth of knowledge found in the library, but the woman who runs it definitely offers to them the treasures she carries in her own heart.

"You all love the students - I can see it," she said. "When I watch you coming out of your offices and classrooms, I can tell how much love you have for them. And just imagine that if each of us has even just a teensy bit of love in our hearts for them, if you put us all together, that's a whole lot of love."

Wow. It was then that I took a good look at those faces, who work so hard and sacrifice so much for our guys...who walk on to the campus of that little high school in Watts and offer their time, their talent, and their lives no matter how difficult it might be on any given day. It was then that I said, yes...I want to stay.

Though it may not always seem like it, we are doing amazing things at Verbum Dei. Yes, it is harder to work there than it is at most other places, but the rewards are well-worth it. I can't see them yet, for I've only been there for two years...but I can trust in the words of Br. Rich, Mrs. Mingo and Nic. I can trust in their hope and their faith and their love for the school. And I can know that for this next year of my life, I will also ask God to help me to continue serving well and serving strong. I will go back into the classroom and give a piece of my father, my grandparents, of my own mentors to them. How rich I really am because I also have the chance to receive pieces of those who have contributed to the lives of the men and women surrounding me every day.

And when in doubt, it is always God's saving grace to remind us how much we are loved by Him. How He looks upon us and says, "You are my beloved children with whom I am well-pleased."

As I close this entry, I come back to the statement made by our IT guy John in our small group: "If we only realized how much we are truly loved by God, we would all be great saints."

Amen. =)

"Occupy your minds with good thoughts, or the enemy will fill them with bad ones. Unoccupied, they cannot be."
– St. Thomas More

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Pope says commitment of Lent is listening to Christ as Mary did

Vatican City, Mar. 13, 2006 (CNA) - During his weekly Angelus prayer on Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI told a group of thousands, gathered below his study window in St. Peter’s Square that Christians are not called to always live in glorious, mystical experiences, but rather, to humbly listen to the voice of Christ, just as the Blessed Virgin Mary did.

The Pope, who had just finished a week-long spiritual retreat, said that his recent days were spent “completely dedicated to listening to the Lord, Who always speaks to us, and who expects us to pay the greatest attention, especially in this period of Lent."

He went on to comment on Sunday’s Gospel reading, in which, the Transfiguration of Christ on Mount Tabor, is recorded in Mark. He said that "when we have the grace of undergoing a profound experience of God, it as if we experienced something similar to what happened to the disciples during the Transfiguration.”

“For a moment” he said, “we enjoy a foretaste of what will be the joy of heaven.”

He said that "these are usually brief experiences that God sometimes grants, especially prior to severe trials,” but also quickly pointed out that, “it is given to no one to live 'upon Tabor' while they are on this earth.”

“Human life is, in fact,” he said, “a journey of faith and, as such, progresses more in the shadows than in full light, and is not without moments of obscurity or even of complete blackness.”

“As long as we live in the world,” the Pope pointed out, “our relationship with God consists more in listening than in seeing; and even contemplation comes about, so to say, with eyes closed and thanks to the inner light lit within us by the Word of God."

Calling to mind the example of the Virgin Mary, Benedict recalled that, "advanced in her own pilgrimage of faith day after day," she meditated on the Word of God, both through the Scriptures and through events in the life of her Son "in which she recognized and accepted the mysterious voice of the Lord.”

He said that "This, then, is the commitment of each of us during Lent: to listen to Christ as Mary did.”

Specifically, he encouraged the faithful to “listen to Him in His Word, conserved in Holy Scripture…listen to it in the events of our own lives, seeking to read therein the messages of Providence,” and finally, “to listen to it in our brothers and sisters, especially in the smallest and the poorest, towards whom Jesus Himself calls for a concrete display of our love.”

The Holy Father concluded by saying that “Listening to Christ and obeying His voice…is the Way, the one Way that leads to the fullness of joy and of love."

A Sign...literally

"Love What You Do"...it had a rose next to it...off the 91 fwy coming back from Redondo Beach. How timely...

You have to pay attention to what God is trying to tell you through the people who are in your life. What might seem like a burden or an inconvenience may actually be an answer to a question you've had burning in your heart for some time. So it's really important to take the time to listen.

Every song has a story. In order to sing it well, you need to tell it from your heart...this story set to music. Do I have enough faith to share it with the world? Can I do it again? It looks like I'm headed in the right direction.

St. Anthony really does help you find things that are missing.

And last but not least, it's wonderful to be loved this much. I wouldn't trade it for all the riches in the world.

Now I know...

Bless the Broken Road
by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rollin home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God Blessed the Broken Road
That led me straight to you
That God Blessed the Broken Road
That led me straight to you

Honor

Life in Christ: Catechism #2158
God calls each one by name. Everyone's name is sacred. The name is the icon of the person. It demands respect as a sign of the dignity of the one who bears it.

If a little flower could speak

"It seems to me that if a little flower could speak, it would tell simply what God has done for it without trying to hide its blessings. It would not say, under the pretext of a false humility, it is not beautiful or without perfume, that the sun has taken away its splendor and the storm has broken its stem when it knows that all this is untrue."
- St. Therese, Story of a Soul

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Dear Jesus,
I pray for the grace to share the goodness You have given me in a way that considers the various paths walked by my family and friends. Sometimes I find myself afraid of offending others, but how can they take offense when Your message is presented to them with love? I do not speak for the sake of speaking but for the sake of souls...that they, too, will have the chance to know how wonderful You are.

Since I have been engaged, I have been asked many times how the planning has been going. I tell my friends that the events of the wedding continue to evolve, with God directing each detail. The honeymoon, however, it taken care of and nothing is left to be done.

As it is in my walk with You, Lord.

On our wedding day, Gary and I will leave the single life and devote our married life to each other and to You. In the moment when we make our vows, nothing else will matter but the spoken words of the covenant between us. God will have brought us to that point and cleared the path for which He has planned and for which we have chosen. The "How" in the getting there only having been orchestrated by His design.

And so I live also trusting that the day will come when He will call me from this place and bring me into union with Him. The Divine Will in place and each circumstance used to draw me closer to Him. Heaven will be waiting for me, as there is nothing more I can do but hope for it and look forward to finally being with my Creator - the Love that has poured Himself into everything and everyone I have ever cherished on this earth. At last, I will be complete.

Singing of Your mercies, as St. Therese does so unashamedly, I say, "Thank You" for blessing me so. Too few people in this world rejoice in the treasures they have received. I want to follow You and be that flower...the little one that silently gives You glory...the one that is looked upon with a smile as only those who are in tune and paying attention will stop to notice.

Yet even if no others can see me, You do. I will simply live my life reaching up to You, my Jesus - my Sun - and offer You my presence.

Amen.

"When virtue is present , we imitate it; when it is absent, we long for it; It is crowned in eternity for having triumphed in the blameless struggle." (Wisdom 4:2)

Take My Hand

by KRY
I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
wih a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

Chorus:
take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown

just like a child
holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

Hebrews 11

The Good Lord's Mercy

"I find myself at a period in my life when I can glance on the past; my soul has matured in the crucible of interior and exterior trials. And now like a flower strengthened by the storm, I can raise my head and see the words of Psalm 22 realized in me: 'The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want; he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. Even though I was through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for thou art with me...' To me the Lord has always been 'merciful and good, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love' (Ps 102:8)"
- St. Therese of Lisieux, Story of a Soul

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It is time that I read again, five years later, the words that once changed my life...for now, different passages call out to my soul. In 2001 I was able to appreciate St. Therese's deep desire for God's love. Today, I can relish in her trials and the lessons that had come out of them. The beauty of purification is insurmountable. We cannot expect to live like Christ and not suffer some hardship. No, I would not trade my crosses for someone else's...nor would I wish that their weight was lighter...for God has used every bit of pain to draw out the truth of who I am. This no longer is something I can shut my eyes and my heart to because to deny it is to deny the very Spirit who lives within me. As the Jews revere the only Wall left standing of their once glorious Temple, I must look to the remnants of my faith...of my own once-upon-a-time...and hold fast to what He has given me. All is not lost. It never has been.

A Plan and a Purpose

Why I Choose to Teach at a Catholic School

A paper mache crucifix made in Art class that has been a prop for many a retreat talk. An origami nun I have kept in my checkbook for four years. A Miraculous Medal I have worn around my neck since 2002. Rose petals found that have served as reminders to hope in the prayers we persistently offer up through the intercession of the Saints. Letters, notes, drawings, and cards placed in my hands to tell me that I am in the right place.

I teach at a Catholic school because these gifts are the fruit of lessons in Scripture, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and discussions centered on the universal call to holiness. Five years ago, I thought I ended up as a Catholic school teacher by chance. My students have proven that there is no such thing. God ordains every step and provides every opportunity to know Him, love Him, and serve Him in some of the most unexpected ways. So when I came to understand why these children needed me, I discovered what St. Teresa of Avila meant when she said that Christ has no hands on earth but ours. That is when I adopted Jesus as my Master Teacher.

Learning the ways of the Lord in His teaching ministry helped me go beyond textbook knowledge and bring the curriculum to life. Many of my students began to realize that their grades and test scores were not the ultimate end but the means to where they needed to go – that heaven was their goal and everything they did, no matter how seemingly insignificant, would lead them closer to it or farther away.

I will never forget a conversation I had with one of my boys, Nick, who could not get motivated enough to do his homework but would draw me pictures and write beautiful prayers about his deep love for God. He said he wanted to be an architect, so I reminded him that there was a reason for what was necessary to accomplish. This was important because one day, God might need him to build a beautiful church so others could pray and worship Him. Somehow, that clicked. Nick finally saw a glimpse of the big picture.

I found such joy in guiding young souls to the truth of who they really were as children of God – children who would grow into adults that made a difference in the world around them. It was most encouraging to know that the kids were going home and teaching their younger brothers and sisters how to pray the Rosary and leading the prayers when close relatives would pass away. Parents would approach me with light in their eyes and smiles on their faces, as their faith was also being renewed through the witness of their own young boys and girls.

This I can only attribute to the grace and mercy of God. I gave my “Yes” but He has done the rest. It has been my greatest privilege to share in the lives of my students and their families…to laugh with them and cry with them…to watch them grow and see them off in hopes that they will someday pass on what I gave them to those who need it the most.

Had I never been chosen by Him to feed His sheep, my heart would not be so full nor would my life be this rich. +AMDG+

- Ms. Marianne Soratorio

It All Starts with God

Re-reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

"...focusing on ourselves will never reveal our life's purpose."

"You could reach all your personal goals, becoming a raving success by the world's standard, and still miss the purposes for which God created you."

"You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many other parts of your life, but you don't get to choose your purpose."

Point to Ponder: It's not about me.

Verse to Remember: "Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him." (Col 1:16b)

Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

My response:
I think I would make a mess of my life if it was totally up to me. Hmm...let me make that a more positive statement. I think God truly saves me from A LOT. A lot of heartache, a lot of despair, a lot of bad situations that I could potentially make much worse. Though I believe that I've had my share of hardships, He is the reason why I still can open my heart to love people...why I get up in the morning to go to work...why I can watch the news and read about the world's horrific events with some glimmer of faith that somehow some good is coming out of it all.

As far as my purpose...I don't know that I fully understand that yet. Day One says that we should look to the Bible and ask God what our purpose is. The chapter ends with saying that I'm about to walk into the light. At various times in my life, I thought I knew. When I walked off the campus of St. Paul of the Cross and onto the grounds of Verbum Dei, I thought I knew. When I served at St. Pius, I thought I knew. When I shadowed the Carmelite life, I thought I knew. But it is only God - not me - who can see the Big Picture.

So what am I doing reading this book again?

I need to be reminded, especially now. Especially when I have days like I have had lately when I question what I'm doing here and I doubt that it makes much of a difference. I need to be consoled with the fact that I was placed in this world on purpose...with purpose...for somebody...or a Bigger Someone...to do something great.

But first I need to understand who it is what really loves me before I wholeheartedly can love Him back. My seeking His face is my act of worship. That's something I learned as I taught the Judaism unit for Freshman religion. For the Jews, studying the Torah was an act of worship to the Lord. They wanted to know His laws like the back of their hand, and so they spent hours upon hours poring over the scrolls of the revealed Word of God. For me, I will search for His presence until I find Him in my family, my friends, my students and coworkers. This searching is what I can offer to God. Recognizing Him in them is the least I can do because when He died, Jesus looked at me and only saw a treasure worth buying with His own blood.

Yes, this is not about me. It's all about you, Jesus.

Who she was

"The little flower transplanted to Mount Carmel was to expand under the shadow of the cross. The tears and blood of Jesus were to be her dew, and her Sun was His adorable Face veiled with tears... I understood what real glory was. He whose Kingdom is not of this world showed me that true wisdom consists in 'desiring to be unknown and counted as nothing.' "

******************************
Thought for the day:
What once was will always be and never be the same again. But at least I have now...this moment spent in the presence of God who surrounds me with His love and fills me with the grace to go on.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." (Mt 11:28-30)

My Community

January 27, 2006 latimes.com : California

Steve Lopez:
Points West
War Zone Surrounds an Island of Hope

"Mr. Lopez,

I am a teacher at an all-boys Catholic high school, called Verbum Dei, in Watts. For the past two weeks, we have been operating and holding classes in a locked-down state…. There is a gang war being waged between the Nickerson Gardens Bounty Hunters and the Jordan Downs Grape Street Crips."

Only a few weeks ago, Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa held a celebratory news conference to announce a 10% drop in major crimes in 2005. But not everyone is feeling more secure these days.

When I heard from the Verbum Dei teacher, I was looking into an apparent gang-related killing that put the Atwater Village neighborhood on edge as the new year began. I attended a meeting in which police frankly admitted they've got limited resources, with as few as three patrol cars on the street at times in the entire Northeast Division.

Three patrol cars?

I was as shocked as some of the Atwater residents. And I was surprised to hear an officer tell people that if they see gang activity on their street, they should all go out and water the lawn to make it clear they're watching.

I don't mean to dismiss the value of active vigilance, but residents were looking for stronger ideas than a volunteer lawn-watering brigade. Two gents from L.A. Bridges, the gang intervention outfit, had what sounded like a better suggestion than group irrigation. If you see gang activity, they said, call them. They'll gladly go confront the bangers and try to talk them out of gangs and into jobs.

The trouble in Atwater is disturbing enough. But the situation in Watts is crazy.

Since right around Christmas, the neighborhood around Verbum Dei has been a war zone, with bullets flying night and day.

Southeast Division Lt. Anne Clark counts 19 shootings and five slayings.

What got it started?

"You just don't know what sets it off," Clark said. "Somebody got into it with someone else and then the shootings started. And the killing."

Clark said police have swarmed the problem, making 39 arrests since Christmas. It's been quieter for the last several days, Clark said, and she's hoping the worst of it — of the latest outburst, at least — is done for now.

So do the students and faculty at Verbum Dei High School.

When I got there Wednesday the big iron gates on Central Avenue were locked, giving the school the appearance of a prison. There's no gang problem among students, and there haven't been any shootings in the surrounding area during school hours, but Verbum Dei is taking no chances.

Father John Weling, the school president, and Principal Susan Abelein told me the playing fields out back, which border the Nickerson projects, are temporarily off-limits to students. The soccer team had been forced to practice in the gym, but now it's being shuttled to Loyola Marymount University for practices and games.

Classroom doors are kept locked while the 305 students are in class, and parents have to drop students off and pick them up in the back lot. Extra security has been hired, and police patrols have picked up. The whole time I was on campus, a helicopter circled above, keeping an eye on the unsettled neighborhood.

Perhaps even more disturbing, some students didn't seem to be all that rattled by the recent crime wave.

"When you're living in L.A.," said senior Darren Acker, who's hoping to go to Loyola next year, it's a part of life. "You're never promised a single day. You go out the door protecting yourself."

Jonathan Phillips, a sophomore, lives in Inglewood. But he lived in the Verbum Dei neighborhood until a year ago, and recalls being asked more than once a simple question that can send a chill down a teenager's spine, because it's often followed up with gunfire.

"Where you from?"

Phillips said this was his answer:

"I don't bang. I'm a child of God. I play basketball."

For some kids, the Verbum Dei insignia on a sweater or jacket is more than a badge of honor.

"The uniform helps us a lot," said senior Joshua Miles, referring to the slacks, dress shirt and necktie students are required to wear. If you're cracking the books at a school where more than 90% of the students — half black, half Latino — go on to college, it signals to gang members that you're definitely not interested in their business.

"Verbum Dei was my gang, the most worshipped place in Watts," said counselor DeAnthony Langston, a child of the neighborhood.

He grew up at Nickerson Gardens, graduated from Verbum in 1984 and thinks the school saved his life. Many of his boyhood pals are either dead or in prison, and this latest rash of trouble breaks his heart.

"These are the kids who are really afraid," he said when we looked through a chain-link fence and into the play yard at the 112th Street Elementary School next door, where the youngsters were at recess. "Their relatives are the ones doing the killing. They say, 'Mr. Langston, I don't want to go home. I don't want to get killed.' "

The story never ends. Decade after decade, we talk about crime and gangs and neighborhoods filled with people living in fear. We ask how it can happen in so rich and resourceful a country, even though we know the answers.

Economic and educational apartheid, lack of investment, glorification of all the wrong values.

If you make it, as Langston did, you beat huge odds.

And what was his secret?

"My mom didn't mess around," he said. She expected a lot and she didn't let up, so he went to college, played pro basketball in Japan, learned another culture and language, and came home to give something back.

Now here he is, speaking over the chop of the circling helicopter. He's telling me about the plan to put a gate in the fence so student tutors from Verbum Dei can walk through and tell the primary schoolers to be smart, stay focused and try to make it through to the other side.

The Mission of the Apostles

Dedicated to my sister Roselynn and my BiL Mike...

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

Everyone needs the length of life's journey so that, aided by grace, he can grasp all the truth and beauty that was given to him in the beginning.

The desire that others meet Christ is authentic in the degree that it is accompanied bu a profound respect for their situation. It is not up to us to save the world: God saves; at best we are His instruments. He chooses the time and place in which to communicate Himself to each man; we are called to accept them. "Mission" means to generate something new within a reality which already exists...

Mission consists in recalling people's hearts from inside their situation to something that is happening among them just as it happened among us. Patience is required, the slow participation in man's deepest being. But participation is not only accepting. If we did not have something new to bring to others, we would be absorbed by them and would end up not sharing anything with them. We must be aware of the inestimable value of what we have received: we have met the One who is the answer to our deepest longings. The more this experience is alive in us, the more others will be able to perceive its newness on their own...

Courage consists in being dominated only by love, and one who loves is patient, because everything that he needs is already present in the moment in which he is living. We are sent to everyone - or rather - to each person. Every man has a heart for knowing and loving Christ. He has a name, a vocation: he is a specific and irreplaceable tile within the great mosaic that God is building in history. This awareness fills us with patience and with mercy, and makes our adventure exciting and inexhaustible.

- Monsignor Massimo Camisaca

Onward Christian soldier

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

"Casting Out Devils"

I am writing to you in the precious blood of God's Son. I long to see you so strong and filled to overflowing with that Holy Spirit who came upon the holy disciples that God's gentle word will be able to grow and bear fruit in you and in your neighbors as well. After the fire of the Holy Spirit had descended on them they mounted the pulpit of the blazing cross, where they felt and tasted the hunger of God's Son, his love for mankind. Then their words came forth as does a red-hot knife from a furnace, and with its heat they pierced their listeners to the heart and cast out the devils. Since they had lost themselves, the saw not themselves but only God's glory and honor and our salvation.

So my dearest son, I beg you - it is my will in Christ Jesus - make your home in the pulpit of the cross. There be engulfed, lose yourself completely, with insatiable desire. Draw the red-hot knife and strike the devils, seen and unseen, who want to continually disturb your conscience by nipping people's fruit in the bud. Don't give in to this wicked devil - especially now, when it is time for harvesting and sowing. Tell the devil to deal with me instead of with you! Forward then, courageously.

- St. Catherine of Siena

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Please don't forget that you were made in the image and likeness of God. Fallen, yes. Weak, yes. Made to roam the earth aimlessly without a purpose, no. We all have limitations inherent to our human nature, but our faith gives us a means of transcending our mortal situation to go beyond that which threatens to keep us down. Even death has no hold on us because Jesus himself conquered it in his Resurrection.

We are not and never "only human", so may we not make the mistake of downplaying our role in God's plan of salvation. Everything we do does matter in the building up or tearing down of the Kingdom here on earth. Jesus died once and for all, but he depends on us to bring him to others...to shine his light...to have faith that the Gospel bears in the truth and life.

There is not one man or woman on this planet who does not belong in heaven. The sad thing is that not everyone wants to be there. Some would rather not leave the world because they are so attached to it. Others are not told the whole story and do not really understand the greatness that awaits them as children of God. All we can do is try...reach out...live by example...and most of all, pray.

I believe that one by one, more and more Christians will understand who they really are as warriors commissioned by heaven to fight for souls. It's a serious responsibility that comes with a lot of grace to fulfill it, especially when you find yourself extremely exhausted from the battle.

As I've said in the past - GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION.

There is always hope. As long as people pray...as long as they know the goodness of God...as long as they are willing to make sacrifices and persevere for the sake of souls, there is hope. It's going to be okay.

I have chosen to believe in miracles again...big ones, small ones, and everything inbetween.

So, Lord, I'm praying, asking for one because miracles of healing are not limited to the body but are extended to the heart and soul as well.

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Weathered
by Creed
Dedicated to the ones who know this struggle well...

I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No I can't accept the life that's mine

Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading life with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Maybe that's why I feel alone

Me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Sometimes I feel like giving up

Me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

The day reminds me of you
The night hides your truth
The earth is a voice
Speaking to you
Take all this pride
And leave it behind
Because one day it ends
One day we die
Believe what you will
That is your right
But I choose to fight
So I choose to fight
To fight



"May grace, mercy, and peace be with us from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen."

The Courage to be a Saint

...is to unite yourself to the sufferings of Christ, knowing how very weak you are and remembering how very strong He is for you.

A saint's heart loves God, making Him the center of everything he does. Even when his soul is plagued by his past, he invites God into the darkest corners of his life and trusts in God's unending mercy.

No, it isn't easy to be a saint because you have to accept yourself for who you really are...in all your glory as His creation and in all your imperfect humanity.

When a saint believes that she also is loved by God, she can find her smile in His greatest blessings and in her heaviest crosses. She gives to her God her best, offering what little she has so that her life becomes His smile.

There is much in this world to discourage you on this journey, but there is more in heaven to encourage you along the way.

The difference between an ordinary person and a saint is that an ordinary person falls and stays on the ground. A saint falls and each time reaches up for the hand of Christ, as Peter cried out from the raging ocean, "Lord, save me!"

The ultimate failure in a saint's life is to never reach his destination...to never be in the presence of her God...to never experience the joy that awaits for all eternity.

Always strive, always persevere, always love...for love endures all things.

Amen.

"I have told you this, so that in me you may have peace. You will have trouble; but, courage! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
love,
Jesus

No idea

Butterball is snoring...how cute.

DECEMBER 23RD - the big day. Come to think of it, we have a lot of those days...days that played an especially important role in our coming together...days that, had they never happened, would remain devoid of the memories we shared with each other.

Last year, he made it my day. He didn't have to go to the trouble to put it all together. We were just friends and I was planning on keeping it that way. But my ways are not God's ways and God had a different agenda that Gary somehow got clued in to.

I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I had a catch-up dinner with Leo a few days before, telling him that this guy Gary was taking me to see Les Mis. Leo wouldn't leave me alone about it, at least for that night. He made me promise him that I'd call to tell him how it went. I rolled my eyes and said we were just hanging out. "He so likes you...hello, I wouldn't take just anyone to see Les Mis!" Those were his exact words. Yes, that's why Leo was always excited to watch this relationship progress...why? Because he was right.

And the rest is history.

Over the past week or two, I've been struggling with a lot of things. Something very unexpected came up that made me question the last three years of my life and some of the decisions I've made because of the path that was set for me. It honestly had an almost Twighlight Zone-ish tone for me because I started having vivid flashbacks that brought the past back into the present.

God had hit reverse playback and made me watch everything backwards, bringing me back to the sword in my heart and the 5-day Rivendell experience that led me into discernment then the disheartening lupus diagnosis the following February. For brief moments, I felt the joy and the heartbreak...the anguish and disappointment along with the hope that I would grow because of it all. I remember wishing - er, praying - that I could erase it all and start over as if none of it ever happened.

In some strange way, there may be a possibility that God might be granting my request.

But I have to wait.

I have to wait for His will to unfold...a very mysterious outcome resulting from a desperate cry made on the other side of the world in many a Polish cathedral.

I'll never forget the journey, but its effects...perhaps gone...at least the broken pieces, swept up and made whole again. How often have I spoken of the need for healing...I just wanted to meet the "someday" when I would be okay...when my smile would return...when my faith would break through once again.

Thoughts and emotions have been whirling around inside of me...slowly coming back to the desire for holiness for the sake of those around me who need a light to follow. Almost felt like I was going crazy, so I sought refuge as I did years ago. I'm returning to Rivendell.

I need to pray. I need to remember. Maybe I do need to feel it all again, for so much is attached to that place. I have brought those I loved most to visit with me, and they too have their memories of brown habits and the serenity of Carmel.

This time, I will not go telling Jesus of my own will. I will listen to what He has in store for me.

But before I go, I will spend this day - our day - with the man I have grown to love, who has been sent into my life as an answer to prayers offered up by those who loved me most...the one who will help me carry my cross and share the blessing that it truly is, whether it be one of illness or one of uncompromising faith.

My vision...it is still foggy but the rays of light are beginning to shine through. In time, in HIS time.

Jesus, I trust in You.

+AMDG+

For a moment

Life just happens as it's supposed to. Sometimes you make good choices, sometimes you don't. People come and go, and you come and go in and out of people's lives. You win some, you lose some...but at least you learn something.

I think the objective is to get to the point where you're grateful for it all...for what you had, what you have now, and what you will have in the future. There's no one else in this world who has the opportunity to live the life that you do.

Even if your life doesn't seem all that great, you still have more blessings than many others out there. Just walk down Skid Row...even for just a couple of blocks...and you'll see what I mean.

That's what I did yesterday...and it really hit home.

You can't save everyone, but for a moment you can be the sunshine in their day. I watched Mark Anthony, Hernan, David, and Eloy subject themselves to having wet sponges thrown at their faces just so the little ones could have a good time...Anthony carrying a tiny two-year-old up to the basket so he could make a slam dunk at the hoops booth...Joshua walking kids around on ponies around Gladys Park...the crew going out into the streets to give the homeless some water and clothing.

Like John said, that was a reality check for us. I was so proud of the 25 guys who worked hard to bring a little Verb sunshine to the Christmas Festival down there on E. 6th St. in Downtown. Little do they know how much they help me face the world with courage. They help me open my heart up to those who I would never ordinarily talk to. They challenge me and make me laugh, and they go out of their way to take care of me, too.

I call them my kids...but they're Yours first, Father God. Thank you for sending them into my life to teach me what faith, hope and love really is.

"Spiritual constipation"

...as the term has been coined by a friend of mine who will admit to the world that he is weird...yet by this very term which I once laughed at has described exactly when I am feeling right at this very moment.

I started to write a really long random blog that was making absolutely no sense, and I deleted it after I came to the conclusion that it read like God needed to shoot some Imodium in my system because it splattered all over the place.

Inappropriate visual graphic, I know. I'm sorry...

But you know what? It just hit me that I'm not ever going to be a cookie-cutter saint. I'm here struggling along with everyone else, making mistakes...learning from them...getting down on myself because my life isn't easy but realizing that life isn't easy for anyone.

People who look like they have it all together just know how to hide their insecurities really well.

Raising my hand...yes, that was me...until a few years ago.

A detailed run-through of my recent past isn't necessary for you to understand that I now know I'm not who people thought I was or wanted me to be. I've had my own share of hurts, but I will tell you that I've also been a cause of pain...a contributor to frustration and misunderstanding...someone who was blind to the fact that my actions unintentionally damaged the trust, hope, and faith that others had in me, in themselves, and in God.

With this awareness, I've learned that you can look at the world in one of two extremes:
1) holding unrealistic expectations - being constantly disappointed that people are not reaching the standards you set for them...unforgiving of their faults because they should know better...never appreciating the journey that they need to take in order to learn the lessons God has in store for them
2) making "we're only human" excuses for everything we do - without any accountability to help the other strive for heaven...forgetting that this is not our home...living for this life alone and not once stopping to reflect on the guidance God offers us through Scripture and through the good and holy people who have overcome their own temptations and continue to fight the good fight.

I guess the important thing here is that I'm learning. I don't have a profound commentary on the points listed above, but I'm beginning to understand that there needs to be a certain degree of balance in the Christian life. Jesus did mention the long and narrow road, but He never mentioned anything about a tightrope. Yet, it's true...we must recognize how important this balance is...finding the midpoint between the two extremes that is compassion, patience, acceptance, and love.

Let's stop here for the night. I don't think I have anything else to say. There is still much, but I have to wait on God for the words...so we'll see. I'm getting a little delirious being up at this hour...

+AMDG+

Back home

Great KAIROS VI retreat...some challenges, but as Gary says, without struggle, there is no progress. I would have never seen the strength rise up out of my guys if they were not tested. I would have never known how awesome my team if we never stared discouragement in the face.

Johnny Simmons is my hero.

I thank you, Lord, for this experience. The same but different than last year. Thank you for James, Johnny, Darren, and Marius...for Fr. Kevin, Fr. Jim, Cristina, Maggie, Frank and Dwayne. They pulled through when I needed them to, and I can look back knowing that it was all worth it.

I'll never know how much it really made a difference in the lives of the guys who went. I'll never see the hidden blessings that you gave us during those three days. But I can say that I am so grateful for the grace you gave us to get through it.

I work in a community that people are afraid to even drive by. I serve a student population that society stereotypes as lazy, unsuccessful, and maybe even dangerous. But when I walk on the campus of Verbum Dei High School, I see hope...perseverance...determination...and love. There are those few who will take a little bit longer than others to get it, but as I was told, you just can't give up because most everyone there really do work for good...good in each other...good in the world...good in themselves.

It felt like I was gone forever.

When I got back, everything was the same. But something inside of me changed.

KAIROS - God's time. He has his way of slowing things down so that we can really soak in what He wants to teach us. And we definitely learned a lot more than we expected to.

That's just the way life goes.

Praising God always...