Ask, seek, knock

Whatever God has willed that you have asked for, you have been given. What do you ask for now? What do you seek? When you raise your hand to the door of the Father's heart, what is it that you hope He will give you?

Himself.

There is still a part of you that does not remain 100% focused, and so you want to be led back on the straight and narrow path.

Whatever you ask in His Name, He will grant you. You may not know exactly what you need, but the Spirit does. Let Him pray in you and communicate to the Father your most desperate needs.

PATIENT ENDURANCE
"We experience daily just how difficult it is to promote the kingdom of God in our personal lives by fulfilling His will in every aspect. No one who has tried seriously to live each day in this way will say it is an easy task. It can only be done with the help of God's grace. That grace is always given to us, but we must learn to recognize it in the people and circumstances presented to us by God's providence, in the thoughts and inspirations that tug at our minds and our hearts. We know that we do not always respond to God's grace, for His grace always demands of us sacrifice, renunciation of self-will, effort, and an untiring spirit of dedication - and the practice of these things does not come easily to the young, or the tired adult, or the old. Yet that is what the kingdom of God is all about.

Knowing how little of grace is accepted and realized in our own personal lives, we can imagine how much of his grace is spurned or rejected by those around us. In this way we come to understand, too, why there, yet exists so much evil, sin, violence, wars, hatred, immorality, persecution of religion, and denial even of God Himself in the world today. These things must follow, so long as men refuse to accept God's grace and do His will. The kingdom of God, reintroduced among men by the incarnation of Christ - who came to set us a most perfect example of a man totally dedicated in all things and at all times to the will of the Father - cannot and will not be established until all men live each day of their lives according to His example."
- Fr. Walter Ciszek, S.J.

Set always before thee the image of the Crucified

When you notice the fault in another, practice the opposite virtue in your own life. It would profit you much more, as well as the one you may have rashly judged, to be more aware of yourself than you are of others' weaknesses. Imagine the face of your Mother when she sees you praying fervently and going to Mass frequently. Then picture how her eyes would be filled with tears when you become too busy to visit Our Lord. She watches you dig yourself into a deeper hole of sin as prayer and penance become less and less important to you.

Look at Him, there on the cross, dying for you. Mindful of what He went through before He even got there, Jesus had every reason to be angry and unforgiving. He did not deserve to be tortured and crucified. Since His very birth, people wanted Him dead. But there from the cross, He pours out His mercy and utters, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Each time you fail to love and thus fail to obey, He cries out the same for you. "Father, forgive her. She has no idea how this is affecting her soul and those of the people around her." Grace is showered upon you on Calvary. The Spirit comes upon you and convicts you, helping you say, along with the Roman soldier who pierced the side of Jesus, "Truly this man is the Son of God." You accept that you had a part in it all, but also that it was all done for you.

"God makes us righteous by means of faith in Jesus Christ, and this is applied to all who believe, without distinction of persons. Because all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; and all are graciously forgiven and made righteous through the redemption effected in Christ Jesus. For God has given Him to be the victim whose blood obtains forgiveness through faith." (Rom 3:22-25a)

Do now what you would do

Tottering between hope and fear...that has been your interior climate for some time. How far do you lean towards hope? Towards fear?

Labor is necessary for struggle. Fight, little one, against the things within you that keep you from God...from hearing His voice and seeing His face. Act as though you had the courage, strength, and faith that you pray for. Love as though you already were given the heart of Christ. What are you waiting for? Live what you are asking for and you will be given tenfold in return for your perseverance.

Fear is your prison and despair is your shackle. These do not belong to you nor you to them. You belong to God. You are free... In Jesus, anything is possible. You want to be a saint...so think like the saints, act like the saints, live like the saints, and die like the saints. But know that Jesus promises suffering. The Blessed Mother told St. Bernadette that true happiness would come not in this life but in the next.

Every single person who seriously pursued sanctity had a cross to carry. If you don't want the cross and the humiliations that come with it, then you cannot walk through the gates of Heaven. Jesus has offered eternal life to you through it. Will you take and receive suffering as openly as you take and receive the Eucharist? Will you kiss the wood with as much love as you would the most precious person in your life?

Make your choice, dear child...

"When I was with them, I kept them safe in Your Name, and not one was lost except the one who was already lost, and in this the Scripture was fulfilled. But now I am coming to You and I leave these words in the world that My joy may be complete in them.

I have given them Your word and the world has hated them because they are not of the world; just as I am not of the world. I do not ask You to remove them from the world but to keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world; consecrate them in the truth - Your word is truth." (Jn 17:12-17)

When I was straying far from Thee, Thou brought me back again that I might serve Thee

Do you see now how your heart cannot contain all that God has to give you? You had many things to write about, and now you feel as though they have all left you. Each passing moment is filled with so much richness that you cannot remember all the things spoken to you throughout your day. It is all, however, engraved upon your soul because these words from God move like hands molding clay, leaving fingerprints and indentations of grace.

You were right in saying that you are not the same person you once were years ago. Certain aspects about you have remained, but you are much more aware of things you never paid much attention to before. It seems a little baffling to you that you have grown into the spirituality you have now...as a child grows into bigger clothes and finds different toys of amusement as he gets older. Do you remember when you were not so much interested in learning about the history of the Church and her foundations? You did not give much attention to the lives of the saints or to the role of the Blessed Mother. You simply fulfilled your obligations and did whatever gave you the temporary spiritual consolations - which served their purpose well in the beginning to help you fall in love with Christ.

As you were drawn closer to the heart of God, your main concern was to rid your life of mortal sin. Praise the Lord you were open enough to His help in order to do so. On occassion you would find yourself saying no to Him again, but the call to the religious life made you crack down on yourself. You knew that if you were going to marry Jesus Himself, you would have to make the necessary preparations to do so. Fr. Ed gave you no room to mess around. He came into your life at just the right time. Even though it was painful for Papa Jon to let you go as his spiritual daughter, He knew that you needed the discipline.

St. Peter Chanel provided the environment for your soul's roots to plunge deep into the soil of humility, coupled with the call to faithful obedience. It was there that you learned how to accept your weakness as a human and not rely on your own knowledge and strength to get to Heaven. The priests taught you about the saints, the Eucharist, and the Blessed Mother. They encouraged you to make use of the Sacraments regularly. It was there that you felt for the first time more at home than you felt at home.

You have thought that you do not deserve such acceptance, for the Oblates have taken you in with open arms knowing how much you had struggled to hold fast to the standards of Christ. But what they gave you...what they continue to give you...is the love of a merciful God. Look how after two years of formation under the Carmelites and the Oblates you have been led to serve the Lord. A few hundred souls have been placed under your care, whether to teach directly in the classroom or seminar...or to stand in the gap as intercessor. You wanted your life to be a prayer and God has given you the opportunity to make it as such. Now it is time to live that reality in all its fullness.

"We know that our old self was crucified with Christ, so as to destroy what of us was sin, so that we may no longer serve sin - if we are dead, we are no longer in debt to sin. But if we have died with Christ, we believe we will also live with Him. We know that Christ, once risen from the dead, will not die again and death has no more dominion over Him. For by dying, He is dead to sin once and for all, and now the life that He lives is life with God.

So you, too, must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Do not allow sin any control over your mortal bodies; do not submit yourself to its evil inclinations, and do not give your members over to sin, as instruments to do evil. On the contrary, offer yourselves as persons returned from death to life, and let the members of your body be as holy instruments at the service of God. Sin will not lord it over you again, for you are not under the law, but under grace." (Rom 6:6-14)

Fire tries iron

Upon the onset of any temptation, you have at your disposal prayers to your Mother. Use them frequently to ward off the arrows of the devil. He seeks to first distract your soul and then throw you into the pit of sin. You must know yourself well, acknowledging your weaknesses so that you can ask Mary and your guardian angel to help defend your soul. When you are tired...overworked...not praying...you notice the difference, don't you? When you don't take the time to read, go to Mass during the week because you allow yourself to get too busy...when you don't make room for the people in your life who encourage your faith...you forget who you are and who He is.

Fr. Fernando spoke of the good thief and the bad thief both residing within you. You knew this to be true because you recognized the voice of the bad thief when he described him. "If you are really who you say you are, save yourself and the rest of us! GET ME OFF OF THIS CROSS!" That stung, didn't it? You knew that in all the moments when you wanted to be relieved of your pain, you were crying out the same thing. "You're God...can you do something about this?"

And whispering from the "other side of your heart", the good thief understands that whatever suffering you go through is necessary for the sanctification of your soul. You know you belong on that cross, and you are honored to be there beside Jesus on His cross. You also know that His suffering is much worse than yours and that He's done it all for you...just so you could be with Him in Paradise.

Yes, you. You have the cross for now. You will be tempted to get off of it. Or at least to not want to be there anymore. That's your humanity speaking. But the joys that last forever are incomparable. And that's what gives meaning to the rest of your life. You've seen the purpose in the hard times, when you didn't think things would ever get better. Look at where He has brought you...closer to the reality of His Passion. That's a beautiful thing, my dear. You're getting there...to that place of wisdom where you see in hindsight that it all had to happen the way it did. The sequence of events...the circumstances...the bouts of sitting in darkness, just waiting on Him.

When you study the life of Christ, you'll see that He fully participated in the human condition. But the important thing to remember is that He surpassed it. So did Mary...and all the saints. They went beyond being men and women of the earth and recognized that they were citizens of Heaven. You are in constant awe over the priests at St. Peter Chanel and the Carmelite Sisters because you see this in them as well. Men and women, born as you were...but formed by God into HOLY PEOPLE. Those who have immersed themselves in the heart of Jesus have transcended their humanity and tapped into the presence of the Divine as temples of the Holy Spirit.

The challenge for your life is remaining in the world as a lay person and dealing with the temptations and struggles that come with your state of life. Remain obedient and faithful, and God will reward you. Of course, you don't do it for the reward...obedience and faithfulness come from the love He put in your heart for Him.

Dependence on God is priority in order to pull this off each day of your life. Keep asking for the daily bread. Do not tire of the spiritual sustainance you are given as the Israelites had when provided manna from Heaven. They wanted variety because they were bored of the food. Eventually they wanted to go back to the "good ole' days" of slavery in Egypt because they felt their lives were better back then. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. God gives you what you need...first and foremost, the EUCHARIST. Other treasures are the Holy Rosary, the written Word of God, daily prayer and song (as Fr. Ed had talked about tonight). Would you really want to go back?

"We have a great High Priest, Jesus, the Son of God, who has entered Heaven. Let us then hold fast to the faith we profess. Our high priest is not indifferent to our weaknesses, for He was tempted in every way just as we are, yet without sinning. Let us, then, with confidence approach the throne of grace; we will obtain mercy and, through His favor, help in due time." (Heb 4:14-16)

No one is so perfect and holy so as sometimes not to have temptations

This is a fact you must accept. Temptation will always be part of your life somehow. Do not belittle yourself because you continue to face it, and please do not beat yourself up because you succumb to it in your own weakness. Jesus has died to free you from your sins. Trust in His mercy and know that He is there to pull you back up. You simply have to reach for His hand, as Peter did when he lost his faith and his focus. Holy men and women have struggled in the fight against temptation and overcome it by the grace of God. It is enough...His grace. Sufficient for you, right?

You now feel a different kind of pain when you fall spiritually. It hurts deeply, doesn't it? Your own pride is shot down because you are able to see the offense almost immediately after you commit it...and you feels as though you're crumbling to the ground. The "temple of self" you were building was set on quicksand and you find your own ego sinking fast. It wouldn't have been able to withstand the pressures of the world anyway. Start over. Let God be the Master Builder and move over so He can restore His temple.

Christ can be your king only when you are honest with Him and with yourself. If you do not worship Him, you are sadly an idolator...serving other gods that have no power in and of themselves. So it is important that you admit that you have replaced Him with substitutes. Whatever suffering you are allowed, acknowledge that you do deserve worse for what you have contributed to His crucifixion. This is the justice and the mercy of God given to you at the same time. Yet the hardships that may be seen as punishments are actually gifts because they draw closer to the One who loves you. Only good things come from the hand of the Lord.

"If you love me you will keep My commandments; and I will ask the Father and He will give you another Helper to be with you forever, that Spirit of truth whom the world cannot receive because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you know him for He is with you and will be in you." (Jn 14:15-17)

You have lost your first love

This is true. What fervor you had in the beginning when you first met Jesus as a child and grew up with Him in the safety of your home and your school. There were people all around you who inspired love for His sacraments, His word, and His works. When you were removed from the familiarity, you felt as if you lost yourself because you didn't hear about Him as often. Life got busy...and distracting. This was your story for many years, continuing on during junior high and high school...onto college...where anything and everything stood between you and Him.

Then all of a sudden, you noticed that you didn't have anything left. According to the world's standards, you had it all. You were admired. People followed you and listened to your every word. They wanted your life. But none of it satisfied you. There was a hole in your heart that ached to be filled. And you found out soon enough that the emptiness within you could only be filled with God.

"It might be boring at first," they told you. You didn't care. Anything was better than feeling that interior pain of wanting something that you couldn't find. So you went and you loved it because for the first time in your life, you experienced a taste of God's love...God's personal love for you. Theoretically, you knew He loved you, but it was different now. You shared that joy you had seen many times in your sister's eyes when she spoke of Him and all he was doing in her life. What seemed so far off and unattainable was real...so real that you couldn't help but be changed.

Then the question came...

"Mommy, how come people want to be doctors and lawyers and engineers when they grow up, but no one ever says they want to be a saint? If we all can be saints, shouldn't they want to be one?" (pause) "I want to be a saint."

She chuckled and said, "You can be a saint."

You replied, "No, I can't. Someone has to kill me for my faith first."

"No, it's easy to be a saint. Read the autobiography of St. Therese. You'll see that all you have to do is do little things for God. I thought you had to do something great, too, but the way she puts it is so simple."

And that changed EVERYTHING.

Your mother is a wise woman, and you have received much from her that has worked miracles in your soul. She is like Mary...she doesn't say much, but when she does, it is quite the profound statement.

Go back and remember. Remember. You have heard that word repeated many times thus far because to remember is to re-member...to once again rejoin to yourself what was apparently "lost". Your Papa Jon called them "Life's milestones". He said to go back to these moments because they will remind you of how God has moved and transformed you. Your path is filled with many of them. Go back. Be not afraid of the past. It has much to teach you.

"But how can they call upon the name of the Lord without having believed in Him? And how can they believe in Him without first having heard about Him? And how will they hear about Him if no one preaches about Him? And how will they preach about Him if no one sends them? As Scripture says: How beautiful are the feet of the messenger of good news." (Rom 10:14-15)

Poor in earthly things but rich in grace and virtues

You don't have to "keep up", for what are you keeping up with? Reflect on what is really important to God and let those things things be important to you.

salvation + all that leads you to Heaven = eternal joy with Him

Accept whatever comes to you. If it is allowed by God, He wants to grant you graces through it. If it is a blessing, do not be afraid of receiving it out of selfishness. If it comes in the form of a cross, do not abhor it or run away from it. Our Lord seeks to form you and bring you into a deeper trust in Him through everything in your life. Even the bad choices you make can be transformed into lessons of humility, for all things work for the good of those who love Him.

Poverty...Chastity...Obedience

Make these vows your own. Lift up your heart and allow God to fill it with the strength to live them out. In your current state of life, He seeks to be your everything. In this life, accumulate only what is necessary. Rid yourself of excesses, so that you are trusting all to the providence of God. Be pure of heart, never giving room to anything that contaminates your soul. When the Father draws you into the desert, listen in silence as Elijah did for the gentle breeze. You are not alone, therefore there is no reason to feel lonely. God is with you. God is always with you.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, naked shall I return. Yahweh gave, Yahweh has taken away. Blessed be His Name!" (Job 2:21)

Thou art my glory

You know this passage well because you have lived very near to it. Detachment for the sake of being left alone with God. You didn't understand it at first and it took you a while to accept it. Now you realize what it means and are beginning to make it more a part of you and your relationship with the world. It is hard, I know. It has been a struggle for you because you love your family and friends so much that you easily get attached to them. But you have reached the place where love must be redefined.

Love is...

sacrifice.

You die to yourself so that others may live. This is not about you...it's about Him. It's about saving souls. It's about the kingdom of God reigning supreme over all the earth. Right now, you are being torn in two as the tug-of-war continues over your soul. Self...let go. Let go completely.

His strength.

His Name.

His work.

That's all that really matters. Everything you do and everything you are must point to Him. Show the others the way to Him in prayer. Please quit being so mean and cold-hearted. Think back to the salt that lost its flavor. Useless, right? As you are when the witness you give is nowhere near the real truth. What is it that you really offer people? If you point them to yourself, they will be left knowing more about you. Then the question remains: have you brought them steps closer to God?

That they may no longer see you but Christ.

How it would be if the light was withdrawn...

You are starting to understand how much the hand of God upholds you. His grace saves you from much harm done unto your soul, protecting you from the snares of the devil. If He did not hold you so closely, you would be tormented every minute of every hour and pulled into the depths of despair. At every temptation you would fall, and your sins would weigh heavily upon your heart. Beset in darkness, you would know no hope and eventually lose your faith.

Oh, but how you are loved.

When you acknowledge your nothingness, you acknowledge His greatness. You go through a torrent of changes and feel as though the norm for your life exists in the state of chaos. But He - Jesus - is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He never changes. You will. You have your ups and your downs...never feeling that your world will ever be still. Just trust that He who has given strength to the weary, sight to the blind, and consolation to the afflicted now grants you everything any great Saint ever received.

Find your peace in Him. Yes, you seek rest. Go to Him. Remember how He waits for you...

"But You, Yahweh, You know me and see me; You search my heart - it is close to You." (Is 12:3)

Judge not and you shall not be judged

What good is it to point out the faults of others? Has it ever helped you when others put you under the microscope and scrutinized your every word and deed? Seek to understand them, little one. Show them kindness as you have learned it from those who truly love you. What have you needed?

compassion
patience
understanding
acceptance
encouragement
forgiveness
loving reproach

So give away freely and abundantly all that you have received from God. At the end of his life, each will be judged accordinging to love. It is not your responsibility to determine the state another's heart. You don't know his motives, nor are you fully aware of all the circumstances that lead him to his decisions. You are not called to interpret the actions of your brothers and sisters, thus bringing condemnation upon them.

But you are called to love. Every moment in this life is a thread in the fabric of life being woven by God to add to the beauty of the human tapestry. Your role in the lives of others is simply to remind them that they are loved by the Father, saved by the Son, empowered by the Holy Spirit, sustained by grace, and supported by Mary and the Saints. Be a help rather than a hindrance. The road is long and narrow, and it is definitely not easy. You will need as much of all that LOVE is as you travel together on this pilgrim journey.

And pray! Whatever you lack, God will supply. He will not leave you empty-handed. Give Him your nothing and He will provide you with everything. He hears your every plea and cry. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you. Notice, however, that you are the one who must initiate. Our Lord will not force Himself into your life. You must invite Him in each day. Yes...each and every day. In all that you do...in all that you say...in all that you feel and think about. He wants to be there with you all the time. Who has ever adored you so much that they have shown you such attention? He only asks that you let Him love you...that you take in the many ways He reveals His presence to you.

Please don't shut Him out anymore. Please don't ignore Him when He tries to talk to you. Please don't leave Him waiting outside the door of your heart. Lately, you've preferred the company of others to Him. You've entertained distractions that have deafened your ear to His voice. There was a time when you used to talk to Him all the time, but it's been a while. He misses you. What do you think? Would you like to try again?

Be perfect as your Father in Heaven is perfect

Years ago you had heard this come as prophecy to another soul very close to your own. Many of you were aware of this and have used it as a measuring stick for his actions both seen and heard of. But what about you, dear child? This word was not just for one but for all. How do you measure up? God does not call you to compare yourself to others, saying, "I am not as bad as she or he is." Your standard is Christ who is the perfect revelation of the Father. All fall short of the glory of God. A seemingly impossible bar to reach as we all make mistakes but a definite reality if one immerses himself in the love of God and the power of the Spirit.

This passage speaks of humility although the word is never mentioned. Pray in silence behind closed doors, using few words uttered to God. Why so? He knows what you need even before you ask. Less talking on your behalf leads to a greater openness to what He has to say to you and what He wants to do in your heart. When serving the Lord, do not proclaim the works that you do. Your example alone will bring glory to the name of the Lord without you having to say anything. This is His kingdom that is to be built, not your own. Move quietly and you will move mountains. Remember, your name will save no one, but when you do speak, if you witness to the miracles of Jesus Christ and the redemption He offers to all mankind, you will live your life populating Heaven.

Holy as He is holy means being filled with...

• love (1 Corinthians 13)
• obedience
• humility
• justice and righteousness
• mercy

To oppose this standard means being filled with...

• impatience, jealousy, envy, anger, rash judgment
• disobedience and rebellion
• pride and self-sufficiency
• oppression of others, gossip and slander
• resentment and unforgiveness

"Lovers of your Law have found great peace; nothing can make them stumble, not even distress." (Ps 119:165)

Blessed are you...

poor in spirit - the kingdom of heaven shall be yours
meek - shall possess the land
mourn - shall be comforted
hunger and thirst for justice - shall have your fill
merciful - shall receive mercy
clean of heart - shall see God
peacemakers - children of God
suffer persecution for justice' sake - yours is the kingdom of heaven

The world persecuted the prophets before you. They were misunderstood and judged. Mocked and killed. Much like they did to Jesus. In one form or another, this same future is destined for you. This is not to say you are to live in fear...that you are not to enjoy the life that God has given you. Our Lord wants you to live a life filled with joy so that you may be that light for Him here on earth. You must realize, however, that your days are fleeting and eternity is awaiting you.

There are many forces in society that work to pull people away from God - do not be blind to them. It is tempting to be drawn into living the comfortable life, placing your security in material things...in your youth...in your family and friends...in anything but Jesus. Remember what Fr. John said during his homily last Sunday. The Jews put their faith in their beloved Temple, but God allowed it to be destroyed where no brick was left on top of another. Sometimes, as you have seen in your own experience, that for our own good, things and loved ones are taken away so that we will find nothing standing but our God.

So let them go...one by one...and do not let sadness overcome you when He calls you to give them up. The greatest source of security and happiness can only be found in Him. May you meet Him in your heart with gladness, knowing that He will never leave you.

"I have told you all this, so that in Me you will have peace. You will have trouble in the world; but, courage! I have overcome the world." (Jn 16:33)

All of a sudden things changed

It had been so long since you really listened to Him. Two years. Yes, it has been that long. You've prayed for hours in that same chapel but each time you visited Him, you were looking for answers. Tonight, you were simply looking for Him. After just a short visit, you left changed because He changed you. You felt something different...something gone and something regained. Your days are still difficult, but your perseverance keeps you open to the grace that sustains you.

God in All Things

How many times have you walked by a person and totally missed the fact that you were witnessing a miracle? Have you ever pondered the fact that you yourself are a walking mystery? Think about it...

Look in the mirror. You may cringe a little because your hair's a mess and your clothes are wrinkled, but take some time to look into your own eyes. Acknowledge the miracle that YOU are. God created you with so much love...with so much care...knowing that you had the potential to do great things with your life and the gifts that He gave you. Just as a gardener plants a seed into the ground with the excitement in his heart blooming with the flower that springs forth, the Father smiles as He watches you grow...as He sees you choosing Heaven in the daily decisions that you make.

Okay so I cried

Today was probably one of the best days I've had in my life. Busy yet simple. I love it that things are like this for me now. They just have to be.

Venice Beach Cleanup with the Verbum Dei boys - One of my guys asking me if I would help him with his spiritual questions and me responding, "I'll try, but it's up to you to believe what I say." Then he says, "Oh, come on, Ms. Soratorio...you have to tell me 'YES, OF COURSE I'LL HELP YOU!' Say it with confidence!" Man, was that a wake-up call. =) So when he asked me again, I laughed and I gave him the answer he needed the way he (and I) needed me to say it.

St. Paul of the Cross Fiesta - Being greeted with so many hugs from my kids, getting silly string sprayed all over me, and being thrown in jail as soon as I got there totally made my day. Lyn-Lyn, Leilani, and I stayed for the talent show, and just like last year, it was so great. I was really missing everyone, especially my old students. Sitting there in the lunch area watching so many of them get up on stage made me so grateful for the three years I was blessed with. They really don't know how much they changed my life. Always giving me a reason to smile...

Watching 50 First Dates at Em and Rob's - We laughed at ALL the same parts...that's the greatest thing about watching romantic comedy with my sisters, especially Em because she has a loud laugh and I don't feel dumb laughing out loud, too. There are very few people I really laugh with and she's one of my favorites in that category. And yeah, okay so like I said, I cried...I was laughing at myself because I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. So many thoughts diving deep down into my heart. That's exactly how I needed to end my day.

Something I'm learning to do is to live simply with as much peace as possible. I really thank Jaymee in particular for being the other half of my smile...for believing...for hoping right along with me. And I thank You, Lord (even if I thanked You yesterday, you deserve to be thanked every day)...I thank You for teaching me how to recognize my blessings and cherish the moments I'm given in the time I do have left here. There's so much to look forward to, and yet even in the NOW, there's so much to appreciate. I call it "treasure-hunting"...looking for the good in things at all times...seeking His face in all situations...finding His presence in all people...fun stuff, I must say. =)

Alrightee, I have to go and get some sleep. But yes, today was - without a doubt - a great day. Praise God.

A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

He reminded me of St. Maximilian Kolbe

I think it was the glasses...but when I watched him giving out communion tonight, Fr. John just made me think of the priest martyr who gave his life in place of another in Auschwitz about 60 years ago. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends. These men who serve at St. Peter Chanel - that's exactly what they do every day for us. If they were to be arrested just as St. Max was, there would be no hesitation to follow his example and give themselves as living sacrifices so someone else can live.

But God doesn't call all of us to die for him in that way. For most of us, we live a daily martyrdom...taking opportunities for self-denial and living for God alone. As far as the SPC priests are concerned, if they're not sleeping, they're busy hearing confessions, saying Mass after Mass, teaching catechism classes, visiting the sick, officiating weddings, encouraging couples to get married in the church, baptizing babies, doing funerals, tending to the needs of the poor in the community, going on retreats, guiding the laity in spiritual direction. I am so awestruck by the commitment they all have to their vocation, and they serve with an incredible amount of peace and joy because that's exactly what God made them to do.

Fr. John said in his homily that we don't know how long we have to live. "Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today. And today we need to live to become saints." He's right. That's what the Father hopes we realize. Time is not at our disposal. I'm just trying to get things straight in my own life so that I don't waste any of it doing things He doesn't want me to do. It's not the easiest thing in the world to carry out, I'll admit that, but when by His grace I'm brought back to the God whom I love, He starts showing me (like He did today) where I can find Him again in the simple, ordinary things and people right in front of me.

SO I MET JESUS TODAY...

- in all the parishioners at SPC during Mass tonight...seeing their reverence, knees bent and rosaries in hand...it's always amazing and humbling at the same time. Nothing brings me greater joy than going there to worship God with all of them even though we only know each other by face.

- in all of you, my friends, during my prayers for you...each and every one of you who I've been lifting up because you've asked me to pray. You've requested nothing more than my faithfulness to communicate to God the needs of your heart and soul...needs I am not fully aware of but nevertheless place in the Hands of Jesus with the hope He has sown in my own little heart.

- through the conviction sent to me by His Spirit that moves me towards daily conversion because every day I find myself needing to come back to Him and renew my commitment after failing to trust, love, believe, hope, serve, and give as He calls me to.

I'm sorry, Lord, for doubting You at times...for not having faith in what You can do...for complicating what is meant to be so simple...for not being able to see past my own pride and falling into thoughts and actions that cause me to drift away from You...for having too much confidence in myself without taking into account the limitations that are necessary for my well-being. Thank You for keeping me safe...for giving me people to guide me and walk with me, especially when it gets hard to stay on the path. Thank You for Your love, Your mercy, and Your grace.

Thank You for accepting me just as I am, but loving me enough not to leave me here. Thank You for Your correction...for Your enlightenment...for saving me from myself. Thank You for helping me be the smile I often do not see in myself and those I love so much when challenges come around. Thank You, most of all, for Your peace because it's something that I'd like to share with those who are having some difficulty finding it.You've never let me down, Lord.

You've never left anyone I know totally abandoned. You're GOD. That means You're everywhere...You're all-powerful...victorious...compassionate...merciful...all-knowing. There isn't anything or anyone above You. From the beginning of time to its end, You have and will continue to work miracles among us and within us. I'm counting on You, Lord, because You promised You'd always be with us.

So Kuya Jess, I'm getting out of Your way so You can do Your thing. READY, SET, GO...

A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

AWW...BUT YAY! (a.k.a. "finding joy in God's plan")

I'm still laughing about a check-up conversation I had last night w/Leo cuz he called me a B2-Bomber...hahaha =) It's quite the challenge being an idealistic realist. That's such an oxymoron...total contradiction...but that's how I've turned out, being that God made me a very hopeful person...always trying to look for the silver lining on dark clouds, rainbows after the storms, the potential butterfly in the caterpillar...but a couple years of SPC formation has trained me to be cautious. Not scared (though the temptation towards fear does get to me sometimes), but more along the lines of prudence so I'm not going against the will of God.

The pull of the world is strong, and I totally know what Fred's talking about when you sometimes feel like compromising your values and standards to keep up and get in "good" with everyone else, but I always ask myself if it's worth it. Then I go back to recent conversations I've had with Jaymee and Maurice about staying focused...deepening one's spirituality through prayer and your surrounding environment...and I remember, the ultimate goal is Heaven. That is the only joy promised to last forever. Really, it is.

My students asked me if they party in Heaven. I thought that was funny. I said, "Well, that all depends on what you mean by that. Are you asking if they have fun there? I'm sure they do!" And James asks, "Hey, Ms. Soratorio, will you party with me in Heaven when we get there?" haha...my kids are so cute...okay so they're 15-year-old guys and everything, but they still crack me up. =)

I'm extremely grateful for my life right now...just how it's been going, no matter whether it seems good or not so good...God's still in it all. I know I've been saying that lately, but honestly, I pray that I'll feel this way every day. Praise the Lord! Rob's blog totally echoes what's in my heart, and I'm happy, too, that he's experiencing this as well. When I was at the Moya house the other night, I noticed that he had that joyful presence I'd been hoping to see...very at peace with things. Not that you haven't been that way over the years, Robby, but it's great that the light of God is shining through the way it is in you now. I think it's the ukulele...hahaha =)

I'm glad you're my brother, Rob. I remember Em telling me in Maui: "All that's going to matter in the end, B.anne, is your family and the guy who loves you"...words flowing from her heart as my sister and your wife. So here you are with our family and I thank God that He made you a part of it.

Leilani, my sidekick, is another one I am SO super-thankful for. We share a lot of funny moments together...different adventures...normal everyday happenings...and it's always so great. Yesterday, as we were driving to SPC for Mass, she wanted to listen to the Jesus story on the way there and she asked me if we could go back and look at the Pope's stuff (she'd gone to the Vatican exhibit twice...hehe). I told her they had to take the "Pope's stuff" back because they belonged in his house. Then she got all excited to see Uncle Jay...no matter where he is in the church, she always seems to find him and point him out. Her face also lit up when she saw Tita Jenevee there, too. When we got home, she wanted to call Tita Jaymee so she could talk to Ahlauna on the phone. Lyn-lyn and I overheard their conversation and we couldn't stop laughing because she just took my cell phone and was going on and on. Haha...how cute! For the past four years, she's been the one who's held us together as a family ever since Daddy died. Definitely our little angel...

I love my family. Kings, that includes you, too. Jaymee gets extra credit because she can bake the best desserts...(with Mo's uh...supervision?) hehehe =) My mom is always there to pray and talk and listen. Abie is so full of practical advice. When we get "sister time", both Em and Lyn-lyn offer so much support in whatever it is I do. Each person is so awesome because we're all shooting for God's potential in our lives. He's always part of our conversation somehow. When someone's stressed out, someone else is there to say, "Just trust in Him. He'll take care of you." When everything's going well, we're thanking God together for His blessings.

But, really, all of you are the greatest because when I'm with you, I know who I am and can be me at all times. Sure, we've gone through lots of ups and downs...but having you here with our relationships turning out that much stronger just proves to me that His grace is truly the glue that binds us in spirit. For all the things that Love is in 1 Corinthians 13...patient, kind, without envy, not boastful or arrogant, not ill-mannered or self-seeking, overcoming anger and forgetting offenses, not taking delight in wrong, always rejoicing in truth, excusing everything, believing all things, and enduring all things...you all have shown to me.

I don't deserve all this, Lord, but I do thank You for who You've given me to love and to serve. I may not show my appreciation all the time, but I do pray that You'll show them how much You love them through what You can do in me. Amen.

A much needed reminder...

"We were all made to be great saints. Don't ever miss the opportunity to become one."
- Mother Angelica, EWTN

God really watches out for me. The least I can do is offer back to Him everything I have. When I give to people, I run the risk (there's that word again) of not receiving anything in return, which is okay because that's love, right? Hmm...though I'm thinking that we shouldn't give to God solely because He gives to us. I offer my life because I just love Him. Does it always show...this love for Him? Sadly, no, not always. But He knows I try, and He accepts what little comes from my hands.

I just have to thank Him for everything He gave to me today, in particular. So much threatens to throw me off, but I can't deny the grace anymore because it's been incredibly evident in my life lately...what He's shown me about myself...how He's been instructing my mind and my heart...what He's protected me from over the years...most especially in the amount of His peace He gives me that truly does surpass all understanding.

So, thank you, Lord. I'm not scared anymore of growing through the lessons you share with me. It's all necessary, it really is. I can see that now. In the end, it's going to be great because You promised it would be. Heaven awaits. The challenge presented to us is to bring a piece of it down here to earth. If I can do that for the people in my life, dear Jesus, so that they will strive even harder for the eternal reality, please make that my life's mission. Amen.A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

Some people think I'm too extreme when it comes to how I live my life. So maybe it's true - I don't know. One thing I do know is that whenever I make a decision, I try to ask myself, "If I had a daughter, how would I hope she would act?"

This goes for a lot of things in my life...career, relationships, friendships, family life...just because I want to be able to tell my kids some day that there is another way of going about making choices as opposed to just going with the flow of the world.

I am careful because I'd want them to be careful. I pray a lot about things because I'd like them to pray a lot about things, too. I don't rush into anything because I'd hate to see them make rash decisions and get themselves into trouble - physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

Granted that there will come a time when I have to let experience teach them what I can't, should there ever come a day when they question what I preach, I can tell them what has worked for me and why.

Heartache is the worst thing in the world to go through. I myself have become very good friends with it but I can't say that I welcome it freely. At the same time, I have loved loving the people God has sent to me and I can't imagine being any other way.

But I know what my mom means now when she was saying that everything is a "calculated risk".You weigh the pros and cons, then you make the choice to accept whatever consequences (good or bad) come with your decision. That's the scary part, but it's actually the most responsible method.

A lot of people live in a world of "what-ifs" that keep them from doing things they really want to do. I take "leaps of faith" all the time and I've suffered somewhat from occasional crash landings. But I must tell you that I don't regret any of it.

When I rewind back to different things I've tried, places I've worked, people I've let into my heart, I then find myself asking a different question: "What if I never did this? What if I never met that person? WHAT IF I NEVER TOOK THE RISK?"

So amidst all of these random thoughts, I'm feeling pretty good about where I'm at. Not satisfied, of course, because there's much I still need to learn and improve in myself. But at least I don't wish that I lived someone else's life or had more than I have right now.

I'm okay...I really am. Actually, I'm more than okay. Life is great. =)