"God doesn't expect us to be perfect...He just wants us to try our best."
I think I expect a lot out of myself. I suppose that's a good thing, in the sense that it contributes to a good work ethic...but sometimes I'm not realistic. Trying to do too much with limited resources (i.e., time and energy) leads to burnout (and in my case, a lupus episode).
My friends tell me that I need to let things go every once in a while...like not work so hard. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying to learn. If certain things don't get done right away, it's not a big deal. So instead of fretting about how I need to do less, I'm just making an effort to give more time to who is most important.
When I opened the front door yesterday, Meleana was going nuts...like a puppy wagging her tail because she was so happy to see me. Gary said she was laying on his chest just relaxing, and as soon as she heard me unlocking the door, she started jumping up and down. I LOOOOOVE my little kiddo. =)
She gives me slobbery kisses on the cheek, all on her own. So it's not a major milestone as noted by the nations' pediatricians, but it's groundbreaking in my book!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
A for Effort
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 2:26 PM 2 comments
Friday, May 09, 2008
Done with making plans
I thought I learned my lesson years ago, but it's so easy to fall back into the old habit of trying to map out my life.
Just can't do it. The more I plan, the less control I have. But who ever said I have control in the first place?
Helllloooooo!!! Right, God, I remember now. You're the one who holds the world in Your hands. All time belongs to You, not to me. You know the future, so why am I trying to figure it out for myself?
They say, "When you want to make God laugh, start making plans."
I think God is past the point of laughter. He's shaking His head, waiting for me to get with His program.
Nothing about my life was on the To-Do list that was set up according to my own timeline. The marriage, the husband, the baby, the job, the move to LA, the Master's degree...if you told me five years ago today - May 9, 2003 - that any of this was going to happen, I would have thought you were absolutely CRAZY.
2003...wow, how things have changed...back then I was at a different place with different worries and concerns...wondering what God was going to do with me and how He was going to fix all the broken pieces of my life.
HE HAD A PLAN. He always has. Still the same God...nothing about Him has changed...and five years from now, I will look back at today and say, "Thank you, Lord. You pulled through for me once again!"
Now I'm laughing. =) What the heck am I worried about? I don't know. After thinking about it, everything is fine. Everything is perfectly fine.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 4:28 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Be at Peace
Prayer of St. Francis de Sales
Be at peace
Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life;
rather look to them with full hope as they arise.
God, whose very own you are,
will deliver you from out of them.
He has kept you hitherto,
and He will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will bury you in His arms.
Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same everlasting Father who cares for you today
will take care of you then and everyday.
He will either shield you from suffering,
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.
- Courtesy of Courtney, 8th grade
Then Saturday happened.
I wasn't sure what the Holy Spirit would do. I did know that He would pull through for me and give me the right words, as He always had done. I didn't plan on sharing my story, but Dominic told me to so I did.
After the talk, I met four people. One amazing woman who also had lupus and was going through chemotherapy. Another woman who said thank you with the deepest sense of gratitude I had ever encountered. And the most beautiful couple who had just lost their own child in miscarriage.
Tito Tom wonders why God still calls him to put these seminars together. On Saturday, I just happened to meet his answers.
I realized that if you are going to believe in God, then you have to trust Him with your whole being. This means knowing that He's there ALWAYS taking care of all your needs. It means seeing life with the eyes of faith and recognizing people as great blessings, even if they feel like crosses.
So maybe there is a price when it comes to saying "Yes" to God, but the miracles you get to witness and the joy that fills your heart when you experience His power and love are definitely worth the sacrifices.
Praise God also for my family...for my super-duper wonderful husband and my super-duper happy baby girl...for the people who help me grow in virtue...for my mom and my brother and my sisters and their husbands...for my niece and nephews...and for the Kings whose home provides enough smiles and laughter to make up for some pretty rough days.
God really is good all the time.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 4:05 PM 1 comments
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Penance
How the Lord knows our hearts and tells us what we need to hear...
Psalm 118
Let those who fear the LORD say,
“His mercy endures forever.”
If God will continue to forgive me, then I need to show as much mercy as I receive.
I was hard pressed and was falling,
but the LORD helped me.
My strength and my courage is the LORD,
and he has been my savior.
There is no reason to fear or be distressed. He has carried me through more difficult situations. Remember...remember how He has been there...
This is the day the LORD has made;
let us be glad and rejoice in it.
Blessings abound on even the worst days. If I'm so caught up in what is going wrong, how can I see all that is going right?
And I kept reading...
1Peter 1:3-9
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,
kept in heaven for you who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith,
to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time.
The inheritance is waiting for me. My day of rest will come, if I can just stay faithful...
In this you rejoice, although now for a little while
you may have to suffer through various trials,
so that the genuineness of your faith,
more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire,
may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor
at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
This life isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. I need to be challenged, otherwise my spirit will grow lax. It's just for a little while compared to all eternity...
Although you have not seen him you love him;
even though you do not see him now yet believe in him,
you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy,
as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Can I offer Him a sacrifice of praise? Can I love Him, and believe in Him, and thank Him with the love and faith and gratitude that God alone deserves?
Dear Jesus,
My heart is being pulled in so many directions. I have a great desire to serve, but I am so easily distracted and it is difficult for me to see what I must do.
You made me a teacher and placed within me a deep love for my students. I have cared for them as my own, striving to share with them the riches and truths of Your Church. I have spent hours upon hours pouring into them all that You have taught me. I have loved nothing more than to see them grow in faith and come to know You as their Lord and friend.
Now I am a wife and mother who longs so much to be at home with my husband and daughter. How painful it is to realize that I don't feel like a mom because work and school take up all of my time. The most I have been able to give my baby are the nights we spend lying next to each other with her resting in the crook of my arm as she has done since the day she was born.
I ask You, dear Jesus, to please show me what You want me to do. I woke up this morning not wanting to leave, but when I sat with one of my girls who needed consolation from a terrible loss, I knew that St. Jerome is where I needed to be...at least for today.
I know I need to be patient. When it's time to leave, I'm sure You'll let me know. You always do. I will wait and trust, and I will give You my heart so you may do with it what You will. We both know that it needs some work...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 7:20 PM 0 comments
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Love
I had my eighth graders reflect on their definition of love. One of them added this at the end...
"Sometimes you might think someone does not love you.....remember this..... 'If someone does not love you the way you want them to, it does not mean they do not love you the best way they know how.' "
Wow.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 3:33 PM 0 comments
Friday, February 15, 2008
Do the right thing
It's not easy to teach middle school students...but when you have those teachable moments and they are better people because of it, you know you're making a difference.
I'm doing better. Still tired, but I'm feeling a bit more encouraged today.
Thank you, Holy Spirit. I owe this one to you...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 3:34 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Hanging by a thread
Breathe...take a deep breath and just breathe. But I want to cry and I don't even know how to just let go and let God. Relax...how? So much to do...barely hanging on...but still believing that He's there. Looking for something...answers to my questions...more questions that never really go away...but it's all right. Nothing's going wrong because I'm surrounded by blessings...I can't forget that. After consuming His Precious Blood, I felt His Spirit fill me...for that moment the exhaustion fled. And then I think about tomorrow...
Oh, Lord...hear my prayer...I really need you right now.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 3:31 PM 0 comments
Saturday, February 02, 2008
One Day at a Time
Lots going on right now...the last few months have been a real adjusting period...but life is different these days.
I'm still working at St. Jerome. I'm finishing up my Masters/credential at LMU. I have a daughter and a husband I wish I could spend more time with.
"How are you able to do it?" a classmate asked me this morning, who also happens to have a three-month-old daughter of his own.
I admitted to feeling overwhelmed, but I told him that I had to take things one day at a time. There was no sense worrying about everything I had to get done...I just had to do it. That's what my dad taught me when he was alive.
A couple of weeks ago, I was so stressed out. I felt guilty about not being able to do it all, and then I realized that I couldn't be Superwoman. I had to let go of my own expectations and stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the perfect teacher, wife, mother, sister, and friend. I hoped people would understand, and I could only be grateful for the support that Gary was giving me through it all.
To top it all off, I felt so disconnected from God. I forgot how to talk to Him, and most of all, I couldn't hear Him because I was too busy.
So I decided to put Him first.
After watching Facing the Giants again with my 7th graders, I remembered how important it was to pray...not just in class with the kids and at night before I went to bed...but every moment...every chance I got. I was no longer concerned that my spiritual life had changed dramatically from being full of mysticism to being nothing but complete silence.
I just started talking to Him again. Even if I didn't hear anything right away, I just gave Him my time because He deserved it.
Then viola! the peace returned.
We had a chance to vent today in class...about anything...and I wanted to. But I didn't. I didn't feel like I had to anymore.
I'm actually starting to enjoy the process that life is, even if it's been very challenging.
So all in all, I can't neglect my spirit and I can't stop praying. Because if I do, I'll fall apart. I have to believe that He's there for me.
I have so much more to write, but I've got a RICA review session to go to now.
'Til next time...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 3:08 PM 1 comments
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Change the World
"Sanctify yourself and you will sanctify society."
I prayed for more grace today as I waited to receive communion at our school Mass. Thank you, Lord. I think I got it. =)
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 5:27 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Night Prayer
I'm up and can't go back to sleep...so much started filling my head...good things this time.
My fears have been getting the better of me lately, but I was just reading a couple of nights ago that being afraid and anxious, especially during the last stages of pregnancy, could contribute to a difficult childbirth. So I've been praying more...talking to Jesus...praying for our baby and letting the little one know that I love him/her.
The anxiety had driven me to call upon the help of my guardian angel as well, since we just celebrated the Feast of the Guardian Angels last Tuesday and it was a topic in 6th grade Religion this week. Leilani told me before I lost little Gary that I don't have to feel lonely when I'm by myself because I'll always have the baby and my guardian angel with me. Six-year-olds (at least this one...who is now 7 and growing) have great moments of inspiration to share when you really need them.
I miss my family.
Even though I love coming back to Culver City and going back to work to teach the kids, I get very reminiscent of the times I had with my sisters, brother, mom, and niece when I was living in Buena Park. Things are different now that everyone has their own families and their lives have taken on new directions, but at least I have these entries to read again and again to recall those memories that mean the most.
I've been too busy to update lately, and there's so much to thank God for these last couple of weeks.
- Lyn-lyn and Mike had their baby - Joseph Leo - on September 23rd!
- Jenn and Dave had their baby - Shane Matthew - on October 1st!
- My pharmacist at Walmart in BP is pregnant! She's had problems conceiving for a few years and having a miscarriage also...she's now due a month after me!
- Finding out that one of my coworkers at SJS who left last year is also expecting
- Watching another pregnant coworker's tummy growing very nicely =)
I've been praying for two of my classmates at LMU who are also trying to start their families - one who has been married for 6 years and another who lost her baby early on last year, too.
In a world that does not offer much safety and security for children to grow up in these days, it is very encouraging to see how much hope couples have to continue to want to be parents. Feeling my own child move within me and nearing the date of arrival, I make promises to myself and to God that I will do my best to raise him/her to love good and shun evil...and I become more aware that we need to give life a chance to flourish through souls who will shine His light. But what kind of future would we have if we never gave these children the opportunity to live? And so I also pray for parents who battle every day against society's negative influences and strive to protect the purity and faith in their families.
"It is not easy," my mom would tell me, "but it is definitely worth it."
Every day that I get up and teach my students, I renew the commitment I have to support the important role parents have to play in the formation of their children. I understand the challenges my kids face as teenagers, but I also advocate for their well-being and they know it.
This past Wednesday after the surprise baby shower from the SJS Faculty and Staff, I walked up to the backyard, only to find my 7th graders - amidst balloons, streamers, food and gifts - blowing party horns and yelling out, "HAPPY BABY SHOWER!!!" Two showers in a row...back to back...I think it took me a good 20 minutes to get over the shock. =)
One of the first things they handed to me was a letter from them to the baby to read when he/she is about 10 years old. I have to share it with you because it made me cry...
Dear Young Reader,
Class of 2009 wants you to know that you have an amazing mother. She has taught us so much and has been there for each of us as individuals. It is as if she is also our mother along with yours. As you grow up, you wil realize what we are talking about. Your mom will teach you everything that you need to know, just as she has done with us. We hate to see her leave for her maternity leave, but as she sacrificed for us, we must for her. Just know that if you follow the examples of your mother, you will be successful in life. Always remember that before you can get to Heaven, you have to live your life holy on earth. Learn from your mistakes, and know that God will always love you. Avoid temptation, for is can lead to sin, but remember that temptation itself is not a sin, for we are only human. Live life truly happy, and don't hold on to things; this means that fame and fortune aren't always the richest things. Carry love wherever you go, but don't be selfish, and share the love to those who need it. Listen to your mother, she loves you very much, and so do the people who have awaited your coming!
God bless you,
Class of 2009
My students are probably more excited about the baby than anyone else I know and I have to be grateful for their prayers and support. When my first year at SJS ended in June, I missed them so much...I think I had withdrawals for a week after school got out. They and my coworkers have been my family out here in LA, and I do love them all so much. It overwhelms me to think about how much greater my heart will expand when I lay my eyes on my own baby for the first time and see the joy on my husband's face.
With such a blessed meeting to look forward to, what reason is there to be afraid?
May God be with us.
+AMDG+
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 4:42 AM 0 comments
Friday, September 14, 2007
"It is not particularly difficult to find thousands who will spend two or three hours a day exercising, but if you ask them to bend their knees to God for five minutes of prayer, they protest that it is too long."
– Bishop Fulton Sheen
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 2:51 PM 0 comments
Friday, August 31, 2007
I think I saw a foot!
After school I looked down at my tummy and saw (and felt!) something protruding next to my belly button! I lightly massaged the area and the baby moved his/her foot back with the rest of his/her body. That was pretty cool. =)
The first week of school went really well. Aside from being a little tired and having swollen feet from standing all day, I must say that I am so glad to be back with the kids and my coworkers. I'm having a great time trying new things in my classroom and I'm looking forward to the many opportunities I will have to use what I learned in my Ed Psych class from LMU Summer Session.
I haven't had a teacher who has inspired me that way in a long time. Dr. Binfet sparked a new passion for so many different aspects of teaching that I am incredibly grateful for having been taught by him. This guy COMMUTES from Canada to Los Angeles just for his classes on the weekends, and now I see why the school does not want to let him go. Amazing man. He's a farmer and a principal of a small community school, and he has this way with people that makes you feel so comfortable and open to experiencing new things. I've always loved being a teacher, but now that love is reaching a whole new level...and that is exciting.
Good times.
I could use some ice cream right about now...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 2:17 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Lord, grant me the patience to remain silent when I would rather defend myself,
the humility to receive correction or advice that is given with the best intentions,
and the grace to know that I must always look to You in all situations and circumstances.
Amen.
"In the Catholic Church, you have to feed yourself. You have to go out and look for what it is that helps you grow."
- Dani Cullens
PRAISE GOD FOR THE EUCHARIST.
Food for the hungry, drink for the thirsty.
Gift from God, waiting for me to receive.
Jesus Himself.
It can't get any better than this.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 6:46 PM 0 comments
Sunday, August 12, 2007
How Do I Love Thee?
My relationship with God...I'm not sure exactly what about it is in question...at least in my own mind...but it occured to me in Mass this evening that I do love Him. I may not always feel His presence, but I know He's there with me...especially in the Blessed Sacrament. I think I'd just like to know why I am so hesitant and apprehensive...why I'm not confident in this relationship. Because I know He loves me. I know I love Him. Maybe I feel that I'm not doing enough for Him...that I have to make Him proud of me like I felt I had to make my parents proud of me when I was younger. I have to understand, however, that God is a little different. While I know that my mom and dad did love me and made sacrifices for my well-being, God is even infinitely more loving. If I make mistakes, He is always ready to forgive me and to give me the graces to get back up and try again. I don't have to worry about being a disappointment because He sees that I'm trying. He knows that I'm not perfect and He accepts that. And He's constantly calling me back into His arms, not as a judge but as a Father.
We truly do have such an awesome God.
I think I've been so hard on myself because I thought for so long that I needed to apologize to the world for who I am and what I do. I think I take constructive criticism pretty well if I know it's coming from someone who's rooting me on, but if it's harsh and condemning, it just hurts and makes me want to give up. Now that I'm a parent and have to make decisions with my husband for my own family, I'm seeing that I cannot wait for the approval of other people...for the pat on the back...for the encouragement to move forward in those decisions.
I'm learning...a lot.
Being married and pregnant have both taught me how to grow up. It wasn't that long ago when I honestly looked to my mom and my spiritual director to tell me what to do when I couldn't figure out God's will for my life. Neither of them would give me answers because they told me that ultimately my choices had to be my own because I'd be the one to live with the consequences that came with them. They both gave good advice...most of which I followed...but when I ventured off on my own and took a leap of faith to follow the promptings of my heart, I realized how important it was to know myself deeply and listen to the subtle ways God was guiding me.
Maybe I just had to become comfortable with the fact that I'm not a little girl anymore.
I'm a woman...a wife...a mother...a teacher. I can think for myself, but I'm not all-knowing. People will look at me and see either a lot less or a lot more than what I really am, but God knows what I'm really made of. And it's His opinion of me that counts more than anyone else's. I will not compromise what I know is right and just. I will not conform to the ways of the world. God be my help and my strength, for there will be many who will not understand. I just have to remember the responsibility I have for my own soul and those around me...to love, to forgive, to pray and to serve.
My treasure is in Heaven, and I'm simply making my journey HOME.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 7:03 PM 0 comments
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Another late night
Just finished another paper. Whew!
It's been a great week, studying-wise. I'm getting more and more motivated as I move along in my coursework...to the point where I'm starting to like my textbook and looking up journal articles. =)
I've also been doing a lot of additional reading. See below:
- Healing by Fr. Francis MacNutt (to reignite the fire for the charismatic renewal)
- The Exorcist: More Stories by Fr. Gabriel Amorth (for the nitty gritty on spiritual warfare)
- How Smart is Your Baby? by Glenn Doman (to prepare for the education of our little kiddo)
- The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding published by the La Leche League (for lots of wonderful and much-needed encouragement as I look ahead towards motherhood)
Basically my day goes like this...
7:30 Gary says goodbye to me and Baby and leaves for work
9:30 Wake up and eat breakfast. Then I pick up one of the books I'm reading
11:00 Get ready for Mass and walk to St. Augustine
12:10 Mass at St. Augustine with Fr. Rich (he's been there every day since last week...I guess everyone else is on vacation) + Rosary
1:10 Eat lunch and read again. Do prenatal yoga, if possible
2:30 Take a nap
4:30 Wake up and eat something. Then read/study again
5:30 Make dinner
6:30 Gary comes home. Eat dinner and listen to him talk about his day at work
8:00 Do homework
10:00 Get ready for bed, pray with Gary and try to fall asleep
My summer's been pretty simple. I do get to visit my family once a week and have school with Leilani and Elijah. Jaymee helps me while I teach them about the Great Saints in World History. We have a great time - I really enjoy it and I'm so amazed at how well they read and how much they understand about following God. Very fun. Leilani is so cute because she has to dress up in her St. Pius uniform every time. She calls it her "saint outfit". =) I love it. Can't wait to homeschool!
These days are the best, and I truly cherish them because my schedule will be packed again in August when school starts up again at St. Jerome. I'm a little nervous about how busy I will be once the baby comes, but I'm excited at the same time because at least I feel more equipped to face the challenges I'll have both in the classroom and at home. It helps so much to be going to Mass and receiving communion every day. Even if it's not perfect, life just seems more peaceful.
It's like I'm on retreat or something. =)
Another thought for the day from Gary: "Always look for the good in a situation and it will help you find the right resolution."
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 12:53 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Good day
I got three hours of sleep last night, but life is good because...
- I didn't oversleep and I actually got to jury duty on time
- The Fullerton Courthouse had FREE wireless internet
- I didn't get called for the first round
- They sent us all home at 11:30
- I just finished my TPA assignment for LMU (the whole thing took me a total of 3+3.5+2+2 = 10.5 hours!)
Every time I've been called to jury duty I've been kicked out of the box for one reason or another. I guess the attorneys just assume that I'll be biased somehow. This time I was preparing to be called in to the courtroom again. I wasn't dreading it because I do find our judicial process pretty interesting, but I was really happy that I didn't have to leave the holding area and got to work on my project the whole time I was there. Whoohoo!!!
See, it's things like this that give me confirmation that God likes me...hehe...especially since I get summoned pretty much every year.
I'm just glad that I got done before the 5pm deadline. Gary sent me the following quote on Monday and I find it holding true for me and my schoolwork for this Credential/Master's program:
Remember that to do a good job you don't have to love what you do, just the desire to do it well.
I will admit to you that I do not like to study. I don't like reading chapters upon chapters at a time and having to write all these papers for school. But ever since I made the commitment to fully apply myself as a student during my last two years at Cal State Long Beach, I can't give any less than my best when I work. It feels good to try hard and to push through something that's difficult and challenging. That's what I expect from my students, so I should be able to follow through myself.
Of course I would rather be finishing my Master's in Theology right now, but this opportunity at LMU is definitely helping me become a better teacher. It's a rigorous program but surely worth the effort. I'm learning a lot about myself and my students, and I appreciate those teachers who truly know the meaning of good teaching.
That's one lesson I know Gary and I will be sharing with our child/ren. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and persevere, even when you're tired or discouraged, because God gave you the skills and the talent to do the kind of work that you do. I know Gary is good at what he does because he's making an effort to learn more on the job and outside the training room. He cares about his players, he prays for his coaches and coworkers, and he even takes what he's gained as a trainer and passes it on to friends and family who might benefit. It was nice to see him and Abie working out together almost every day last week when we were in Vegas. Great bonding between the two of them, and I'm thankful that my husband also cares enough about my brother's health to help him out along the way. Very inspiring!
Okay, I shall be going now. Thanks for reading this random entry. I need a break from this computer screen. God bless!
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 2:18 PM 0 comments
Monday, July 09, 2007
Caught off guard
The challenges were definitely not what I expected. The enemy really knows how to get to me, and all I can ever do is pray through those moments. Thank God for a pretty good week overall. I actually didn't come back more disturbed. I returned much more aware...and more grateful. How His grace truly sustains us. Were it not for God's goodness, we would all so easily fall into our most impassioned weaknesses, whatever they are.
- Daily Mass and Rosary in front of the Blessed Sacrament at the Shrine of the Most Holy Redeemer
- The Shark Reef exhibit with BIG FISH at Mandalay Bay
- Grand Lux Cafe (x2) at the Venetian
- Crepes from Paris
- Enough hours to rest and some time to study
- Quality time with Gary, Abie, and Mommy
- The orchestra at Phantom!
- Watching Joshua push Jeremiah across the floor in a laundry basket =)
Gary and I also celebrated our 1-year anniversary this past weekend at Glen Ivy, went to Mass at SPC, and ate yummy Hawaiian food at The Loft. I'm very, very blessed to have him for my husband. Happy anniversary, my kane!

I must say that while the enemy is strong, God's love is so much stronger. In those times of doubt, we often question Him...we question ourselves...we question so many things for so many reasons. I remembered all of those days and nights I would spent at St. Peter Chanel and many a church seeking consolation in the face of such a confused future. Kneeling in our "usual spot" with Gary by my side, I was showered with the love of God and the realization that much of what I had been waiting for was found in our relationship. It was all a matter of time, as people would say...but I believe that in the end, it was more of a matter of trust. As I looked up at the image of the Divine Mercy and read the words, "Jesus, I Trust in You", I could only thank God for finally letting me in on what He was doing in my life - especially with this little one growing inside my womb. And it's all so absolutely beautiful...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 10:25 PM 0 comments
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Off we go...
I never thought I'd go back to Las Vegas. The city and I just do not mix. However, out of familial duties to my mother, I am going to accompany her to her 40th anniversary reunion for UST Medical School. Mind you, I am very hesitant about the trip, considering that I have a hard time even watching TV most of the time for a number of reasons...but I tried my best to somehow make it a vacation I can enjoy as well.
So, I found a Catholic church right down the street from our resort that has daily Mass at 11:30am with Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament from 10am-1pm. It's not SPC, but it'll do to get me through the week. Jesus will still be there, and I'm very happy about that. =) Pray for me, please, because I somehow manage to always come back feeling very disturbed. I don't think I'll be any less disturbed this time, but again...adoration and Holy Communion is adoration and Holy Communion no matter where you are...so it's definitely something to look forward to!
We're also going to see Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian. Gary and I love musicals, so we're excited about that as well. Not excited about the heat, though. I checked the weather and it's 110-113 for the high out there for the next week. Whew!
Okay, time to see my fam bam to celebrate Robby's promotion (congratulations BiL!). Hope you're all enjoying your summer!
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 4:06 PM 0 comments
Monday, June 25, 2007
We're growing...
Over a month after my last entry, I find that I don't have a lot to write. Well, I actually do, but I have been spending my time doing a good deal of reading and sleeping and planning for the next school year since my maternity leave will hit a month and a half after school starts.
I have enjoyed my vacation, though. It's nice to wake up whenever I want to and to go to sleep a little later than usual.
So what's going on in my life these days?
- more prayer to strengthen my relationship with Jesus
- feeling the baby move pretty much every day now
- talk with Gary about our kiddo's future
- growing comfortable with the pregnancy
Now that we're in the fifth month, I'm appreciating this whole experience in a much more relaxed state...not just because I'm out of school, but because I'm more excited than scared nowadays. I'm also reminding myself that this child is a wonderful miracle...that there is absolutely no reason to complain about things like weight gain, stretch marks, back pains, etc., etc. that come with carrying the baby for nine months and bringing him/her into the world.
Honestly, it's kind of been a challenge for me to stay positive because plenty of people have so many negative things to say and it's easy to fall into that mindset, too. But I don't want to get stuck in all the thoughts about how the baby is inconveniencing us and how my life will be turned upside down by a kid that is more of a burden than a gift from God. I want to remember how blessed I am to be a mother, and how grateful Gary and I are that we even get to have another chance to be parents.
That's why I so greatly admire those parents who live their vocation to the fullest. One of those people was my dad, who did have a difficult time (because I - to say the least - was a difficult child) but plugged along and did his job anyway. I used to ask him if it was hard raising the four of us, and every time he would smile and say that no matter what he would try his best and not think about how hard it was because if he did, he'd just quit. Never once did I hear him complain.
Self-denial...that's something I pray to learn and put into practice.
It all starts with the little things.
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Better days
I believe You have every moment held in Your hands. As I fell asleep last night, I couldn't help but cry out to You to take it all from me and pour Your grace into my life, my relationships, my pregnancy, my job. The cross...it's been heavy lately...but it's times like these that remind me how tightly I need to cling to You.
I've learned not to attach conditions to the trust I place in You. I've learned to accept each blessing and each heartache...even when I'm tempted to say that there is a limit to my openness...I can't tell You that I will stop believing and stop trusting if certain things go wrong.
You love me, Lord, and You love every person who has ever walked this earth. So when we need You...when anyone needs You, You're there. You always have been. I asked You today at Mass if You hear me, and You said You do. You know what I need. You know what must happen and what You will allow to me in order for this life to be fruitful. I don't understand it all, but at least I can find comfort in knowing that I am loved.
It's Pentecost on Sunday. The gifts...they're not dead. The Spirit...He dwells here within us and among us, sustaining our faith and upholding our Church. Jesus, You left us with the consolation that you would be with us until the end of time...as the world passes away...
The parting words of Christ:
"Behold, the hour is coming and has arrived when each of you will be scattered to his own home and you will leave me alone. But I am not alone, because the Father is with me. I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." (John 16:32-33)
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
In the midst of real life
People get mad. They say things that hurt each other. Trust is broken. Friendships end. Those involved go their separate ways. It happens.
And then what?
I think that's when God uses circumstances in our lives to bring us back to either face the wounds or work to reconcile with the people whom we have left.
Our hearts were not made to be hardened and He knows that better than anyone else.
So sometimes He'll break us down. Sometimes He'll do whatever it takes to chip away at the walls.
When I see my kids get caught up in each other's conflicts, I can only imagine how much more difficult it will be for them down the road. Because I remember what that was like, not too long ago...
There has to be a better way.
"As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
- Jesus
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Monday, May 14, 2007
You cannot be half a saint. You must be a whole saint or no saint at all.
– St. Therese of Lisieux
I have to stop:
- complaining...
- worrying...
- not putting my trust in the providence of God.
Avoiding sin doesn't cut it anymore. He's calling me to a deeper relationship...something I knew once upon a time...when He was...
EVERYTHING.
Be grateful. Believe that He knows what He's doing. Have faith that somehow life will work out because He loves me.
Can you do that, Marianne?
Can you help me, God?
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Tuesday, May 08, 2007
What gets me through the day
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Sunday, May 06, 2007
Ho-hum
Hi. I'm just waiting for my husband to come home...sitting here as my uterus is stretching...hahaha.
Jenn and I have come to the conclusion that a baby is going through growth spurts when you feel your most tired. That was her yesterday, and that is me today. I woke up at 9am, ate breakfast, fell asleep again and didn't get up until 1:30. Wow.
During my brief break from grading papers, I read a children's book that I have called Moses: When Harriet Tubman Led Her People to Freedom. It was so inspiring and very spiritual. I never really knew much about her or remembered what I learned maybe once upon a time, but I'm glad I picked it up because it reminded me of how God can really use one person to make such a huge difference in the lives of people who are oppressed. Hers is a story of victory. She never said she wouldn't or couldn't. She just did it.
You should read this book, too. It's pretty awesome.
I want to have faith like she did. I want courage like that. I want to be able to trust that as impossible as a task may seem, God will give me the grace to complete it.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 9:35 PM 0 comments
Monday, April 30, 2007
Taking a Break
My kids have gone, and it's quiet again...though I must say that I miss them when they're gone. They make me laugh more than they frustrate me, and sometimes it seems like they take care of me more than I take care of myself.
I love being a teacher.
So I just finished some major assignments for my LMU program and I just have to get a final exam in by the end of the week. But at least I get to sleep again... One more year! I really like what I'm learning and I actually enjoy doing the work...it's just hard when you have to juggle school and a full-time job at the same time. In the end, I'm sure it'll be worth it.
Better to get all this out of the way sooner than later.
Good times with my family - Em and I had some quality sister bonding time, and I got to play with Jacob, who gets cuter and cuter every time I see him. It's funny how kids are so entertaining when they're little. As much as they require a lot of patience and sacrifice, the joy that they can bring is invaluable. A part of me wants to have my own child just so I can bring him or her over to Mommy's house to make her happy. I know how much she loves her apos, and that's something I want to give her, too.
Gary came back last night from his trip up north with the baseball team. I was so glad to have him back. Going to church by myself...visiting family...eating dinner...going to sleep without him. It's just not the same. Sometimes I would just lie in bed and tears would start filling my eyes because I would miss him so much...but then he'd somehow find a way to make me feel better by texting me at just the right time. At least he only has one more road trip left. Even if it's hard, it's a good sign that I miss him. If I didn't, I think there would be something seriously wrong with me.
More highlights of the weekend:
- Seeing Jane, Ruby, Christine, April, and Cinch at Kappa Formal
- "I've finally found what I've been looking for!" - Christine going back to church
- "I want to start a Bible study..." - April after reading Purpose Driven Life
- Summer with a 7-month pregnant belly (she's having a girl!)
- The food at Aela's mom's birthday party =)...yummy!
- Rock S.A.L.T. Band during the 5pm LifeTeen Mass at St. Augustine
God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good!
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 3:36 PM 0 comments
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Saying Yes Just Isn't Enough
I heard this song playing on the Fish yesterday as I was driving to the Kappa formal...
"I'm Not Who I Was"
by Brandon Heath
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was.
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was.
I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago...
But I never got to tell you so.
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was.
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you...
I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was.
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was.
I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
...I never did forget your name
Hello...
Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about...
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 12:48 PM 0 comments
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
Risen with Him
A belated congratulations to Yaz and Dani for receiving their Sacraments of Initiation this past Easter Vigil! Praise God for their persistent faith and commitment to the journey towards truth in Jesus Christ. In a world that promotes egotism and self-reliance, it is so encouraging to watch people like them stepping forward wanting to become part of the Catholic Church. The experience of being up there at the altar with Yaz was amazing...and watching the tears of joy fall from the eyes of those who had been working so hard to train this group of elect and candidates...then moving into the waters of the "tomb" with her...absolutely indescribable.
I'm so proud of them and of the RCIA team. They are such a wonderful group of souls, and I pray that with the power of the Spirit their ministry will bear much fruit. It's great to see Emeline serving at St. Pius again, and to come back for Mass to meet all the familiar faces who helped us grow in faith. Good things are still happening there - that I cannot deny. Of course no parish is perfect, but we can only be thankful that lives are being changed and the presence of God is still very much alive in the hearts of the people.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 11:38 AM 0 comments
Little Dyogis

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Without Him
"Oh, what annoying company we are to ourselves when Jesus is not present...but...He is not far away. He is right there, quite near and looking at us. Indeed, He is there begging us to offer Him our sorrow."
BROKEN
To give You my weakness
Is to admit all my sin
And let You heal me
FINGERTIPS
Holding on to hope
At the edge of life's ravene
Waiting for You, Lord
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 4:58 PM 0 comments
I need to find...
The nearest one is 3.4 miles away from here...but there's a Starbucks on many a street corner. Not complaining, but making a statement. =)
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 4:43 PM 0 comments
Back in His Arms Again
I heard a song on Sunday night that helped me find a focus for my prayer intention. Certain memories never leave us, and sometimes they come back so vividly where the past almost becomes part of your present. But then you remember that God is the only one who has a far enough reach to grab hold of a heart and call it back to Him. So I prayed. Twenty-four GloryBe's this time, once again asking St. Therese to intercede...though I asked that the rose be given to another, not to me.
Driving home from Mass on Palm Sunday also left me with the revelation that this journey to Heaven is not a competition. I don't know why the thought came to me...maybe I needed it, or I needed to pass it on to someone else...but the concept of Christ's Mystical Body was ever more strengthened in my heart...maybe because I hurt for another soul...when one is lost, we all suffer somehow. This prize of eternal life with God that we all strive for is to be had by everyone. It is not dependent on how much you know or how much you do. Of course it is very important to learn more about our Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier and we must live a life of fruitful good works as proof of our love for Him...but we are not to compare our lives to those of other people, or even to the lives we have led in the past. The priest spoke of this in his homily. The standard by which we are to measure ourselves is Jesus Christ Himself.
"Do you love Me?"
Our gift of salvation and the extent that we receive it is dependent on how much we LOVE. We can grow prideful about the knowledge we have or the deeds we have done, but it is difficult to be prideful in true love. The reason is because love is sacrificial. We need to die to ourselves in order to love and this requires the complete opposite of pride - the virtue of humility. If we question our own pride, then perhaps we can examine how much love can be found in our acts and in our quest for knowledge. Are we drawing closer to God in obedience? Are we drawing closer to others in compassion? If the answer is yes, then we are growing in love and opening our hearts more and more to the graces of Heaven. If we find that we are experiencing more selfishness or feeling the need to pass judgment on others, then by the power of His Spirit may we ask for a conversion of heart this day to be different...to be more like Jesus.
I have lately felt the need to pray for the prodigal, whoever he or she may be...but I have also felt the call to pray for the older brother (or sister) who has the opportunity to hope as the Father hopes, and to rejoice as the Father rejoices upon the prodigal's return.
And so I will hurt until the Body is healed. It is a pain I choose to suffer because others had suffered it for me until I, too, came back into His arms again.
"May I know Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, follow Thee more nearly, day by day."
– St. Richard of Chichester
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Friday, March 30, 2007
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Most important one
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Thursday, March 29, 2007
"The greatest greatest honor God can do for a soul is not to give it much, but to ask much of it."
~ St. Therese of Lisieux
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
By His stripes we are healed
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Sunday, March 11, 2007
Water for the spirit
Without prayer nothing good is done. God's works are done with our hands joined, and on our knees. Even when we run, we must remain spiritually kneeling before Him.
– Bl. Luigi Orione
Much to do while much is being done. Never enough time but now always seems to be the best moment to stop and appreciate what He has given to us.
Jana and I talked a lot about a lot of things. But what most interesting were those brief pauses of silence in the conversation that were filled with peace. That's when you know you have made at true friend...when it's quiet and you're still comfortable. I also found it comforting that we think of each other...like a reaching out for the other when they are not there. She's a very special spiritual friend. Spiritual friends are hard to come by. Of course you have those you worship with and serve with, but there are those few whom you seek out when you're straining to hear the voice of God or those who really let you know that you're not crazy. Of those two years I spent passing through Verbum Dei on to the rest of my life, she is one of the people who has stayed with me. I said that I wondered what our conversations would be like ten years from now, but what I really can't wait for is the eternity I will spend with friends like her, sharing the lessons we learned while we were on earth.
It's kind of hard to fathom that, but...not really.
Thanks, Jana. Here's to not being "normal". =) I love you, my friend.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 8:41 PM 0 comments
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Cost of Discipleship
– St. Catherine of Bologna
- He loves me
- ...therefore, I must love myself as He loves me.
- I don't have to do anything to earn His love or get more of it...I just have to be me.
- There is nothing I experience that He cannot understand.
- If I were a first-century catechumen carrying the amount of fear that I have today, someone would have to challenge me and remind me that baptism could equal death.
- As a baptized Catholic, I must pray for the courage of the early Christian martyrs.
- If I was called to be a prophet, apostle, or teacher, I must remember: Blessed are those who are persecuted in My name...Take up your cross and follow Me...Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
- Jesus did not come here to be liked by everyone; He came here to speak the Truth.
"I remind you to stir into flame the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control. So do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord, nor of me, a prisoner for his sake; but bear your share of hardship for the gospel with the strength that comes from God." (2Tim 6-8)
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Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials.
– St. Teresa of Avila
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Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The journey continues
"Through your suffering, God is expanding your heart so that He can pour more of His love into it."
"It hurts me to see you hurting, but I know that you wouldn't choose any other way."
"You'll have good days and you'll have bad days. Whether you're single or married...whether you're a priest or a nun, there will always be difficulties. But God will be there every step of the way."
I'm so grateful to the friends I have. I'm grateful for the love that surrounds me every day that I haven't been able to appreciate as I should have.
My family and I were sitting around the table for lunch on Sunday, having the annual "What are you giving up for Lent?" discussion.
I thought about giving up meat. I realized yesterday that I need to give up myself. I need to sacrifice the pain from the losses that I have held on to for so many years. I need to sacrifice my pride that keeps me from offering myself more fully to others. I need to sacrifice the fear and the discouragement - the way of thinking that has kept me imprisoned...immobilized...stuck.
I need to give to Jesus my love. I need to give to my students the joy that comes from being faithful to God. I need to give to my family the support and prayers that only family can give. I need to give to my husband my heart...all of it...not just a portion of it but the whole thing.
No, I'm not giving up. I'm giving more.
So willingly I go, forty days with Him among the people.
By grace. AMDG.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 4:12 PM 0 comments
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Unstoppable
"In the year of drought it shows no distress, but still bears fruit." –Jeremiah 17:8
...A disciple of Jesus is one who imitates Jesus in His character and His ministry. Disciples of Jesus follow Him wherever He leads, whether that path leads to the cross of Calvary or the glory of His resurrection.
A mature disciple of Christ will necessarily bear fruit for Him (Jn 15:16), "make disciples" (Mt 28:19), and disciple them in season and out of season (see 2 Tm 4:2, KJV). Nothing can stop disciples of Jesus from bearing fruit and making more disciples. Throughout Church history, persecution strengthens rather than weakens disciples. Disciples still bear fruit in the "year of drought" (Jer 17:8), for sorrows and difficulties lead us to the cross of Jesus, from Whom we draw our strength. God uses our failing health to make more disciples (see Gal 4:13). Even killing us can't stop the fruit of discipleship, because the blood of martyrs has always been the seed of Christians. "In all this we are more than conquerors because of Him Who has loved us" (Rm 8:37).
Historically, disciples of Jesus have only been stopped by themselves. When disciples "grow lazy" (Heb 6:12), take their eyes off Jesus (cf Heb 3:1; 12:2), and start treasuring the things of the world, they then paralyze themselves. Therefore, disciples of Christ, pick up your daily cross, die to yourself (Lk 9:23), make no provision for the desires of your flesh (Rm 13:14), and ask Jesus for more of the Holy Spirit. Be invincible and unstoppable. "Make disciples of all the nations" (Mt 28:19).
From One Bread, One Body - Reflection for February 11, 2007
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Saturday, February 03, 2007
Coming to the Rose Bowl near you
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Wednesday, January 31, 2007
His words of encouragement
Brothers and sisters:
In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood.
You have also forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as children:
My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord
or lose heart when reproved by him;
for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines;
he scourges every son he acknowledges.
Endure your trials as “discipline”;
God treats you as his sons.
For what “son” is there whom his father does not discipline?
At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain,
yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who are trained by it.
So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees.
Make straight paths for your feet,
that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed.
Strive for peace with everyone,
and for that holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
See to it that no one be deprived of the grace of God,
that no bitter root spring up and cause trouble,
through which many may become defiled.
( Hebrews 12:18-19,21-24)
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Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Light
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Sunday, January 28, 2007
Grant me, O Lord my God, a mind to know you, a heart to seek you, wisdom to find you, conduct pleasing to you, faithful perseverance in waiting for you, and a hope of finally embracing you.
– St. Thomas Aquinas
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 12:07 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 19, 2007
What am I Looking For Again?
His will. I've wanted to find His will. The problem is that I've been looking everywhere except for in my own heart.
Hi, God. It's me again. I know it's been a while...
I feel like I'm going into an IR monologue.
The dreams. I can't figure out what they mean. At least the ones that I can't clearly remember when I wake up. The ones that have left me tired when I wake up. And a little sad.
Talking to myself in the car on the way home, trying to make sense out of this search. I've been with you, but I haven't been able to find you.
Pieces of my life are scattered all over the place. That's how I feel because people who used to mean so much and influence so much are out there somewhere not a part of my life anymore.
I used to talk to my friends about detachment. I went through the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises and should be some sort of a pseudo-expert on the matter (or not)...but whatever the case may be, I'm suddenly wondering why I'm experiencing this "disconnectedness".
You just let go, right? You just move on, right?
It's not that easy.
But life...it never stays the same. It's so incredibly fluid...like water...because it's moving and growing and changing.
New people come into my world - new students, new coworkers, new strangers who become friends - and they're all great, like all the ones who came before them were great.
Maybe I just want to be like God and always be connected to everybody all the time.
But then Jesus didn't even have that luxury while he was here on earth. He was limited to time and space.
He had to leave his mother. He had to leave his friends. He even had to accept the murder of his own cousin.
He loved everybody, but he served the one right there in front of him.
He connected with the poor and the sick. He healed some of them, but not all of them. But his encounters with each of them - as simple as they were - were unforgettable. Why? Because he was WITH them. For that day, for that hour, for those few minutes...he was really with them.
So at least I can say that I've had those "Jesus-moments" with you, too. All the souls I have been so blessed to have grown up with and prayed with...cried with and laughed with. At least I have been able to share those days, those hours, those minutes with you.
I pray for you all often. Every day, actually. You might not think that I remember you, but I do. Your faces have been painted on the canvas of my heart because I once looked into your eyes and saw Him.
So wherever I go, I take you with me...you, in this communion of saints He brought into my life.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 5:32 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
A Day to Remember, A Dream Come True
uniting two lives as one


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Sunday, December 31, 2006
The deepest desire of our Church
O God our Father, You promised "I will appoint shepherds for My sheep who will shepherd them so that they need no longer fear and tremble; and none shall be missing."(Jer. 23:4-5). Hear our prayers to call to the sacramental priesthood generous men who will desire nothing more than to serve You in imitation of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, our High Priest.
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Waking up from the dark night
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Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Faith and Fortitude
MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY
Advent is above all the "sacrament" of the Presence of God in the world and in time in his Incarnate Word, in his kingdon, above all his presence in our own lives as our Savior... Three reasons for our misery and helplessness:
- We are deceived in our judgments of good and evil
- Our attempts to do good fail, lead to nothing
- We do not succeed in our efforts to resist evil
The presence of Christ in us overcomes these obstacles. By faith he dwells in our heart and shows us how to judge between good and evil. He cannot deceive nor be deceived. He is the wisdom of God, always ready to teach us. Yet in order to have his light. we must use the grace he gives us to turn to him in our difficulties. By fortitude he strengthens our weakness, so that we can do all things in him. He never grows tired, for he is the power of God, ever ready to revive us and lift us up. But we must call upon him for help in our batttles. Finally, he "stands for" us, he resists within us. If he be for us, who can be against us?
The secret of spiritual fortitude is for us to abandon ourselves to Christ, the power of God, and then he himself will overcome evil and deliver us from forces that we would never be capable of resisting by ourselves. This is the fortitude of faith.
Christ lives in the world in those who take him for their light, their strength and their protection. It is for them that he came into the world in his Incarnation.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 5:35 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
"It's okay, Mommy. It's okay."
There is no pain greater than losing a child. It doesn't matter how young or old the child was, or whether you ever got to see him or hold her. He was still your baby. She was still your child.
I knew there was life growing inside of me even before the test read Pregnant. And somehow I knew when that same life had gone, leaving me with an immense feeling of sadness I had never known before. I tried to stay hopeful, but I knew. We wouldn't get to meet our baby in July. Our reunion would have to wait until the eternal someday.
Last night, the worst had passed. However, the events of the day unfolded before I even opened my eyes. It began with a dream - we were holding a baby boy, who looked much like my nephew Jacob...but after sometime I realized it was our baby boy, and I felt so complete with Gary and my son. We were together - so happy and peaceful, enjoying each other's company just as any other family would.
Then I awoke to the symptoms I had been hearing of...facing the fear I dreaded the most...trying to prepare myself for something I felt would inevitably come. Gary and I had talked about it. We even gave the disclaimer when we shared the good news that there would be risk. But as much as you try to prepare, you really can't. It still hurt. It still broke my heart, and it broke his, too.
At least we got a picture. Our doctor was able to find the baby in the ultrasound this time, but he warned us that I was probably already in the beginning stages of a miscarriage. He gave us a copy of the scan as a memento of our baby, and he said that we would look back at this time five years from now and be grateful for the support we gave each other through such a difficult circumstance.
We struggled with the painful emotions of loss throughout the day, trying to come to grips with the reality of it all. I cried. Gary cried. Our family had been crying tears for us, knowing what it felt like to also lose little ones. It came to the point where I didn't think my heart could feel more emptier. I couldn't help but be sad, even if I tried to be strong. Nothing anyone could say or do would bring the baby back to life, and it felt like this feeling would never go away. My insides were screaming so loudly but all I could do was cry, until I heard his voice.
"It's okay, Mommy. It's okay. Don't worry, Mommy. Everything will be all right."
His little soul spoke to mine because God knew that it was his voice I needed to hear at my deepest point of despair. The sobbing calmed as Gary and Leilani held me close, and I told them that the baby was talking to me.
It was then that we named him "Little Gary".
Our baby helped me through the emotional and spiritual pain so that I would be able to endure the physical pain that would soon follow just an hour later. For an hour and a half, I waited and prayed through the whole ordeal under the care of my family and the specialized coaching of my sister Emeline. Everything she said would happen did. I don't know what I would have done without them all.
After it was all over, Gary and I sat with each other on the hallway floor and thanked God that it was done. As hard as it was, the whole day couldn't have gone more smoothly, considering. And we attribute it to the mercy and love of God poured upon us through the prayers of our family and friends who have lifted us up every day since they found out about the pregnancy.
I realized last weekend as I sat at the funeral Mass of Audrey, Damian, Elise, and Gianna, that life is so temporary. There's nothing about it that we can control. In the homily, the priest said that sometimes you find a rose that buds but never blooms, as so it is also in the garden of souls. We never understand why a life doesn’t get to run its full course but we can only trust in the grace that God has given for that life to live at all.
I had long looked for roses as signs throughout my faith journey, and it comforted me to hear Father use St. Therese's expression of the "garden of souls". It was on that Saturday that my heart was enlightened to know...
Our baby - Little Gary - is our rose.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 7:51 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody
This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done
- Courtesy of Fr. Fernando
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 10:29 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Father Cantalamessa on Holiness
Pontifical Household Preacher on All Saints' Day
ROME, OCT. 31, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Here is a translation of a commentary by the Pontifical Household preacher, Capuchin Father Raniero Cantalamessa, on the readings from the feast of All Saints.
* * *
Holiness Is Not a Luxury ...
Revelation 7:2-4,9-14; John 3:1-3; Matthew 5:1-12a
The saints the liturgy celebrates on this solemnity are not only those canonized by the Church and mentioned in our calendars. They are all those who are saved and form the heavenly Jerusalem. Speaking of the saints, St. Bernard said: "Let us not be slow in imitating those we are happy to celebrate." It is, therefore, the ideal occasion to reflect on the "universal call of all Christians to holiness."
The first thing to do in speaking about holiness is to free the word from the fear it inspires, due to some mistaken representations that we make of it. Holiness can entail extraordinary phenomena, but it is not identified with them. If all are called to holiness it is because, properly understood, it is within everyone's reach, it is part of the normality of the Christian life.
God is the "only Holy One" and "the source of all holiness." When one attempts to see how man enters into the sphere of God's holiness and what it means to be holy, the ritualistic idea in the Old Testament immediately prevails in one's mind.
The means of God's holiness are objects, places, rites and prescriptions. Heard, it is true, especially in the prophets and the Psalms, are different voices, exquisitely moral, but voices that remain isolated. In Jesus' time, the idea still prevailed among the Pharisees that holiness and justice consist in ritual purity and scrupulous observance of the law.
Looking at the New Testament, we see profound changes. Holiness does not reside in the hands, but in the heart; it is not decided outside but within man, and it is summarized in charity.
The mediators of God's holiness are no longer places (the Temple of Jerusalem or the Mountain of the Beatitudes), rites, objects or laws, but a person, Jesus Christ. In Jesus Christ is the very holiness of God that comes to us in person, not in a distant reverberation of his. He is "the Holy One of God" (John 6:69).
We come into contact with Christ's holiness in two ways, and it is communicated to us: by appropriation and by imitation. Holiness is above all a gift, grace. Given that we belong to Christ more than to ourselves, having been "purchased at great price," it follows from this, inversely, that the holiness of Christ belongs to us more than our own holiness. It is what gives flight to the spiritual life.
Paul teaches how this "audacious blow" is given when he states solemnly that he does not want to be found with a righteousness of his own, or holiness based on observance of the law, but only with that which is through faith in Christ (Philippians 3:5-10). Christ, he says, has made himself "our righteousness and sanctification and redemption" (1 Corinthians 1:30). He is "for us": therefore, for all intents and purposes, we can claim his holiness as our own.
Along with this fundamental means of the faith and the sacraments, imitation must also have a place, that is, personal effort and good works. Not as a separate and different means, but as the only appropriate means to manifest the faith, translating it into act.
When Paul writes: "For this is the will of God, your sanctification," it is clear that he understands precisely this holiness which is the fruit of personal commitment. He adds, in fact, as though to explain in what the sanctification he is talking about consists: "that you abstain from immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor" (1 Thessalonians 4:3-9).
"There is but one sadness in the world, and it is not to be saints," said Leon Bloy, and Mother Teresa was right when a journalist asked her point-blank how she felt being acclaimed as being holy around the world, and she answered: "Holiness is not a luxury; it is a necessity."
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 3:25 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 29, 2006
The name of Mary on their lips
As a missionary, Father Louis De Montfort found himself in a boat going up the River Seine packed with at least 200 people, who were joking coarsely and singing lustful songs. Hardly had he spent a few moments in the company of these shady horse dealers and fishmongers, when Father De Montfort adjusted his crucifix to the end of his walking stick. He then prostrated himself on the floor of the boat and exclaimed, "May those who love Jesus Christ join me in prayer."
His companions shrugged their shoulders and sniggered at this invitation. So, turning to Brother Nicholas, the Saint ordered, "On your knees and we shall recite our Rosary!" Under an avalanche of gibes, the two men, their heads bared and their faces solemn, recited the Ave Marias. After the first Rosary, the priest stood up and in a soft voice again invited the assistance to join him in prayer. Nobody moved, but the booing calmed down as the prayers began. After the invocation "Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners" had been repeated several times, the face of De Montfort was transfigured.
When the next Rosary had been completed, there was such earnest supplication in the expression on the Saint's face, and his voice had taken on such sweetness and authority that, when he entreated his companions to recite a third Rosary with him, everyone fell on their knees and repeated the sweet words, which they had forgotten since childhood. The holy priest could only be delighted: from a brothel of obscenities he had made a Marian shrine. On lips accustomed to saying blasphemies, he had brought back the name of Mary.
Taken from the Marian Collection 1975
Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you! Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 11:38 PM 0 comments
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Hear Mass daily; it will prosper the whole day. All your duties will be performed the better for it, and your soul will be stronger to bear its daily cross. The Mass is the most holy act of religion; you can do nothing that can give greater glory to God or be more profitable for your soul than to hear Mass both frequently and devoutly. It is the favorite devotion of the saints.
– St. Peter Julian Eymard
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 10:41 AM 0 comments
Saturday, October 07, 2006
It's in your weakest moments that you often don't realize how great you really are.
Don't fight the beauty...the love...the hope...the faith...the God who lies within you.
Pray. Always.
Posted by Joy...Grace...Hope at 11:40 AM 0 comments