Wedding Bells

I'm really glad that we stuck to the plan.

When we got engaged in August of last year, I wasn't sure what would be ahead of us. But here we are, one month away from the big day and I'm so amazed at how God has guided every moment of it all.

People ask me all the time how the wedding plans are coming along. I don't have much of a reaction other than saying that not having to put a reception together really does take a load off your shoulders. We've been really flexible with everything in regards to the wedding day - not knowing where exactly the Mass would be (tent or church), not knowing if members of our wedding party would be able to make it because of expected babies (yay, more kiddos!) and having proxies jump in a few weeks before, not knowing how family members would react to our decision to break through the social norm of having a big party afterwards.

Taking a step back and seeing the big picture, it really does reflect who we are as a couple. Other people have their preferences and circumstances - which we're able to appreciate as well when we attend their weddings - but it's great to say that we were able to offer this day to God the way that He wants us to.

What I have really enjoyed is the preparation we've been taking for our marriage. Lots of great conversations about the important issues in the married life...challenges that we might face...blessings that await us...knowing that He will be there every step of the way to carry us through the rest of our lives together.

It is exciting, and it helps that so many people are praying for us. To ask for prayer doesn't mean that we're worried about our relationship. To ask for prayer means that we know how much we need God's grace to sustain and nurture this Sacrament. From what I've learned after reading books, talking to married couples, and working things out with Gary each day, I'm realizing more and more how humbling it is to unite yourself to another person. It's not about you anymore and the things that you want for yourself. It's about opening yourself up to a person that God has sent into your life to teach you how to love and sacrifice for.

I'm so thankful that He gave me another chance at giving my heart away again because it helped me remember how imperfect my own love is without His. This relationship has taught me what it means to seek His will in everything we do and every decision we make. It has blessed me with lessons I can pass on to my own children about the seriousness of marriage and the maturity required to even think about committing yourself to someone for the long term.

And being at Jacob's baptism yesterday, seeing Robby and Emeline offer their child to God and His church, made me realize that how we live our lives as single people...how we handle ourselves in our courtships...how we give to each other in marriage...it all affects how we raise our children and how our children will then go on to live out their vocations when they grow into adulthood.

At our meeting last Monday, Fr. Ed said that maybe we might just have a child that becomes a priest someday. That would be absolutely wonderful. But if we are blessed with children, I just pray that they will grow up to love God and trust Him...to want to live in His will and work for His kingdom whether it's in the single, married or religious life.

Only God knows what the future holds....

Flow

I should be taking a nap right now, but it's too hot in my room to sleep. So I'm taking up another form of rest for me.........writing.

I used to write a lot. Stories. Plays. Some poems. A lot of journal entries. Just spilling out my soul. I figured no one could really appreciate my writing except me, so I didn't bother sharing much of it with anyone. When I'd take a risk and offer my writing for others to read, sometimes it would be received well. Sometimes it wouldn't.

I think that's why I really like reading other people's writing, especially when it's writing by people I know...because I know how scary it can be to put your heart on paper and leave it open to criticism or praise...both of which can be difficult to receive.

Haven't been writing lately. I've been busy. Like I haven't been praying as much as I used to. But I've recently found that I don't even have to set aside hours at a time to talk with God. I can actually have brief conversations with him throughout my day...as if He was a friend walking with me at any given moment.

Really, that's what He is.

Maybe when I'm pressed for time, I can try to translate this kind of flexibility to my writing. My friend Cecille journals on anything she can find...scraps of paper, napkins, pieces of cloth...and sometimes they're not even expressed in words.

Could I be growing in a new direction?

It's a little strange that I'm not as sensitive to what others think of my writing anymore. Perhaps it's because I'm getting more and more comfortable with who I am. If they read it, they read it. If they learn something, great. If they don't, maybe the lesson was just for me. No big deal.

At the heart of it all, however, this is a huge part of who I am. When I don't write, I get overwhelmed...more easily stressed out...unable to express my thoughts verbally because I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen to what's going on in my head. So I just get all cluttered inside. Kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

I said earlier that maybe someday I could burn my journals. Where that came from, I couldn't even tell you. I could just be on this rampage of clearing out my life...but that would be erasing myself...or a very significant part of my journey completely.

Who would read them anyway?

I would.

I want to go back and revisit the days when I would contemplate my life's purpose...when I'd ask myself what in the world I was doing here...when I'd wonder if any sense could be made out of the emotional and spiritual experiences that I couldn't understand.

This blog here is even a remnant of the ashes. The sad thing is that it was easier to just click "Delete blog" than it was to go to the beach and start a bonfire. This site...it has been my attempt to come back. The others were filled with memories of so many people...gone.

Slowly but surely, I'm salvaging my past and hunting for the good that came out of the past four years.

Buried treasure, waiting for me to find.

In time...

Surrender

I had to give it all up to Him because I didn't know who else to turn to. Even the strongest people in your life will not be able to support you all the time. They're human, too. Very human at best.

So I let it go. It was hard to experience...the questioning...the anxiety...the lies that were being poured into me. The spiritual battle that seems more difficult now. In the past, my companions and I would balance each other out, in the sense that one would be there to help carry the other. This time it's total dependence on God because we both struggle at the same time just as intensely as the other.

Few times have I gone through attacks like that but they seem to come more frequently when something really great is about to happen.

And I'm praying that something great is happening right now.

It's almost 10:00...First Visit. Please help him surrender, Kuya Jess.

So aware of our limitations. Challenges coming from people who care...who are curious...who are just plain concerned.

Are you sure this is the one, Gary? But she's sick. Are you ready, Marianne? Are you really ready?

I am sick. I've actually been sick. Not at my worst but bad enough that it's getting so hard to take care of so many things at the same time. Can't get a whole lot done when it feels like a hammer is being pounded into your head or when you try to get out of bed and your legs somehow aren't cooperating very well.

Whatever happened to my understanding of redemptive suffering?

I get down on myself because I don't think I can do a whole lot of good like this...that maybe I'm not good enough to marry this man who wants to love me so much.

But you know what? There is a greater good to all of this. There has to be.

And at this very moment, someone I know who is very close to my heart needs my prayers and the grace that can come to her through the physical, spiritual and emotional pain I can offer up...just so that she can be okay...just so that she can have peace and know everything is in the hands of God.

I can do some good for a little soul not even a day old by believing that he is being held in the palm of the Father's hand...that his birth and the trials that are coming with it are giving his parents the strength of saints. The strength that allows them to put their hope in what He alone can do to keep him alive.

Yes, great things are happening because people are praying. We are learning to surrender everything to Him...everything we have...everything we are...having faith that we are going to witness miracles this weekend.

So many more miracles than we could have ever imagined.

What it means to believe

My kids ask me every year - "What if we're making all this effort to follow the commandments and going to church, and we die and find out that there's no heaven?"

And I tell them - "Well, if there really isn't a heaven, at least you lived your life every day believing in it. That way, you kind of helped this world become a reflection of what heaven would have been like."

We get really philosophical...which is good and bad at the same time.

But nevertheless, it's all part of the faith journey.

You never really have faith if you don't have the opportunity to question it. You can be obedient...but that's not an owned faith. That stage of obedience is where it all begins...you trust in the one who tells you what to do and what to believe because you think that they are telling you the truth. You think that they sincerely are looking out for the best interests of your soul.

One day, however, the choice becomes your own. You reach the point where you're no longer doing or believing for the sake of somebody else. You make a choice to do or to believe because you want to...because you've come to the conclusion at the end of your search that what they were telling you really was true. You realize that after all this time, you've at last fallen in love with what you have chosen to put your faith in.

At times, it seems like a lonely road to tread. No one really understands where you've been...why you think the way you do or act the way you act. They don't get why you feel the way you feel about certain things because there has not been one person who has followed you throughout your entire life experience and experienced it with you.

Except Jesus.

He knows why you question, why you doubt, and why you fear. He knows what makes you stumble and what gives you the strength to get back up. He knows how hard it is...how painful it is...how humiliating it can be to subject yourself to living in this world.

Then all of a sudden, the road isn't so lonely anymore.

I wish I had as much patience with myself as He has with me. He stops to wait when I get tired. He dries my tears when I feel like giving up. He even absorbs my frustration when I get lost and don't know where I'm going.

Dear Kuya Jess, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you can love us so much to sacrifice as much as you did, just so we could be cleansed of our sins. I don't know how you put up with our weaknesses and keep taking us back no matter how many times we've turned our backs on you.

All I know is that you do.

I don't have your heart but I want your love.

And then you show me what your heart looks like...and you say that the pierced and wounded heart you have is the only kind of heart that will hold the kind of love you give.

Pierced and wounded.

"The pain never goes away, Marianne."

I can hear Dominic's voice loud and clear.

I think I remember what that was like. I can't get married and start a family if I've completely lost sight of that. I can't call myself a Christian if I've forgotten what that means.

Blessed are the poor in spirit...
Blessed are those who mourn...
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are the peacemakers...
Blessed are the pure in heart...
Blessed are those who are persecuted for My sake...

I was going to write on a completely different topic but I don't even remember what it was. Maybe I just wanted to remind myself that I do believe in Heaven...and maybe I'm praying that I'll see a piece of it this weekend.

Basta Ikaw, Lord.

A Gift of Love - The legacy we hope to offer future generations

"Teach me, my Lord, to be sweet and gentle in all events of life - in disappointments, in the thoughtlessness of those I trusted, in the unfaithfulness of those whom I relied on. Let me put myself aside to think of the happiness of others, to hide my little pains and heartaches so that I may be the only one to suffer from them. Teach me to profit from the suffering that comes across my path. Let me use it, that it may make me patient, not irritable; that it may make me broad in forgiveness, not narrow, haughty or overbearing. May no one be less good by having come within my influence, no one less pure, less true, less kind, less noble for having been a fellow traveler in our journey toward eternal life. As we go our rounds from one destruction to another, let us whisper from time to time a word of love and thanks to you. May our lives be lived in the supernatural - full of powerful good and strong in its purpose of sanctity. Amen."
(from Jubilaeum 2000 album)

Family Life

SAINT OF THE DAY
St. Gianna Molla (1922-1962)
Gianna was a physician and surgeon who frequently worked with mothers, babies, the elderly, and the poor. While pregnant, she was diagnosed with a cyst, and her surgeon recommended an abortion in order to save Gianna's life; she refused and died a week after childbirth.

"O Jesus, I promise You to submit myself to all that You permit to befall me, make me only know Your Will."
– St. Gianna Molla

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I said I would choose the life of my child over my own...even if the baby was not born yet...that child is still alive.

At this stage in my life, I'm not longer making decisions for myself. That sounds so strange because it may seem that I have been and always will be bound to another person's welfare. As a child, I obeyed (most of the time) and listened to what my parents told me to do...for my own good. Now that I'm almost 30, everything I do is purposed for the good of someone else.

These days, it's either for my fiance and for the children that God may bless us with. They even have to come before my job, my students, my immediate family, and my ministry work. This is what it means to grow up...to leave the life you had lived as a young person and take responsibility for the commitments you have made.

I'm getting married in two months...moving out of my house away from my family for the first time. In almost four months I'll be starting a new job in a new community...allowing my identiy to evolve as it is influenced by even more people and experiences.

All because I've been trying my best to be faithful to a calling that has sounded like more of a quiet whisper in my heart...leading me to a place for a reason I cannot clearly see.

The questions seem to have squatted into a corner of my mind, making their home amidst even the confirmations. I occassionally find myself asking in all respects, "Am I making the right decision?"

It broke my heart to tell the KAIROS leaders that I will not be at Verb next year. Painful for me and for them, as they made it very apparent by their concern. Yet somehow I know it's time...somehow I know that we'll make this work because I'm not completely walking away.

That community is too close to my heart.

It's surprising how two years can change you like that...but after getting to know these kids, it's not surprising at all.

Dear Jesus, please carry me through the sadness and give me the joy that will bring me peace. Amen.

The Right to Write

A book I read a while back. I think I need to revisit that one.

My brother handed me a screenwriting DVD this morning. That was a sign of his faith, and I found it extremely touching. He draws and paints and sculpts and films and plays all kinds of instruments. I sing and dance and write...and I kinda play the ukulele.

We're artists.

At this moment, however, I think I've been in hibernation for a while.

There's been a disconnect - I was telling Brandi yesterday - between me and my story. It's funny that I should say that because I'm asked to tell it over and over again. Maybe it's because I've felt that I've owned the rights to my story...maybe it's because I haven't given much credit to the God who actually authored the whole thing in the first place. Maybe it's like Brandi said...we have to find joy in telling His story first and realize how He truly is our "precious Lord".

And so the thread continues to weave through each day of my life.

Jana and her blogs - all in one day - sparked a flame within me. But it wasn't all in one day because she is who she is after 24 years of being Jana. So even if I've only known her for two years and read two months worth of entries, her whole life is helping to change mine because we're the same...yet different. It isn't, though, like she's actively doing something for me. She's making a difference simply by being faithful to who she is. I know that, and that's what inspires me.

It's something that an old friend asked of me once upon a time.

"I just need you to be you."

And then all of a sudden I couldn't be.

But now three years later, it's something that I can't run away from anymore. It hurts too much to hide from myself.

This journey that I'm on...my own personal journey is about DISCOVERY. It's a time for me to get to know God - Father, Son and Spirit - in a new way...with the heart of a child and the maturity of an adult. It's a time for me to get know myself...to accept this woman I see in the mirror with everything she is and ever has been. It's a time for me to get to know the world and the people living in it...to first try to understand who they are, where they've been, and where they dream of going.

It's a time to embrace the characters, the plots and the settings...to be challenged by the conflicts and to find hope in the resolutions.

I'd like a happy ending...not just for me but for everyone I know. It's that idealism again. Granted that life comes with suffering, it hit me tonight that I'd been camping out on Calvary long after the tomb had been emptied.

We are an Easter people. The greatest witness is to believe in the Resurrection...to have hearts full of joy...to be just like Jesus. If we were otherwise, we couldn't call ourselves Christians.

Thank you, Lord. =) Thank you for this day...for my friends...for prayer meeting tonight...for the ride home with Lyn-lyn and the resolution not to wait anymore for "something" to happen to get us going again.

There isn't any bigger "something" than You dying for our sins and rising again, only to give us the miracle of Your Presence here in this world when we receive You in the Eucharist.

Time to get up, my friends. Praise God!

There are no shortcuts...

...if where you're going is worth something. - Mother Dolores

The pain will always be there. No matter how old you get, it doesn't go away. You just have to accept it. - Dominic

It's always darkest right before dawn. - Mariette

God has given you a gift. He might not be calling you back to the front lines, but when it's time to use it, He'll let you know. - Dominic

Your deepest wounds integrated become your greatest treasures. - Mariette

This is who I am. I'm an adult now...and I need to be able to freely make my own decisions. - Marianne

You're okay, Marianne. You really are. - Gary

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What a day. That's all I have to say...

Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery – the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the "material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones." Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children. By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them. (CCC #2223)

Walk by faith, not by sight

In His public ministry, Jesus impacted only a localized geographical area in Palestine. In His risen ministry, miles of territory, locked doors, and death are no longer barriers to Him. The risen Jesus has no obstacles except our doubts (see Jn 20:25; Mt 28:17, RNAB). The Eucharist challenges us to recognize Jesus as He really is. It's a risen Sacrament. Our eyes see bread and wine. But we "come to know Him in the breaking of bread" (Lk 24:35).
- excerpt from One Bread, One Body

"He loves, He hopes, He waits. If He came down on our altars on certain days only, some sinner, on being moved to repentance, might have to look for Him, and not finding Him, might have to wait. Our Lord prefers to wait Himself for the sinner for years rather than keep him waiting one instant."
– St. Peter Julian Eymard

Alleluia!

Now I know why it hurts...

One Bread, One Body - Reflection for April 15, 2006

DID YOU MISS ME?

"I opened to my Lover – but my Lover had departed, gone. I sought Him but I did not find Him; I called to Him but He did not answer me." –Song of Songs 5:6

On this Holy Saturday, there is no Mass, no eucharistic presence in the tabernacles of our Churches, no eucharistic readings proclaimed for the world to hear. Jesus our Life (Jn 14:6; 11:25) has fallen to the ground and died (Jn 12:24). He has been buried in the tomb, and we who are baptized into Him have also been buried with Him (see Rm 6:4). We are deprived of His special eucharistic presence until tonight's Easter Vigil.

Many might say, "So what's the big deal? Just wait until tonight or tomorrow and you'll get your Jesus back as usual." They would be speaking pragmatic words, but love isn't pragmatic or practical. The toddler cries when its beloved mother leaves the room. The lover in the Song of Songs passage above searches all night long for her missing Lover. We who are living our Baptisms to the full are so joined to Jesus that we miss Him terribly when we are deprived of His presence. When we have centered our lives on the Mass, we miss His presence in the Eucharist so much because we love Him so much.

Do you miss the eucharistic Jesus today? Do you even know He is missing? If not, today is your chance to grow in love. Ask the Holy Spirit to pour out the love of God in your heart (Rm 5:5). If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then may Jesus' absence today make your hearts overflow with love for Him.

PRAYER:
"As the hind longs for the running waters, so my soul longs for You, O God. Athirst is my soul for God, the living God. When shall I go and behold the face of God?" (Ps 42:2-3)

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There was a reason, and this is it. I didn't know why I was feeling so empty, so alone yesterday - but here is the answer. It just makes me realize how very closely tied I am to Him...bound like a handmaid to her Master...a call for commitment like nothing else I have ever known.

He's trying to keep me close, but it's up to me to fully choose Him. I can't continue to pretend to be something I'm not...living like I used to live, acting how I used to act, thinking how I used to think. It's different now. It has been for the last 7 years. Everytime I'd take a few steps back into the world I had left or played with the idea of selfishly serving myself, I would feel this same pain in my heart...like He was gone...not because He left me but because I was the one who walked away from Him.

It's something I know not many people will understand, but that shouldn't keep me from walking this path. This will always be a test of faithfulness. He has to have all of me...all of my heart...all of what I do...all the time.

All for your glory, Lord. To live for anything else would be living in vain.

+AMDG+

Saint of the Day - Bl. Cesar de Bus

Bl. Cesar de Bus (1544-1607)
A wild youth, Cesar had complete conversion when he passed a church on the way to a party and saw a small light illuminating a picture of the Virgin Mary. After he was ordained, he founded a religious order and became a great catechist. St. Francis de Sales called him "a star of the first magnitude in the firmament of Catechesis."

"I was so beside myself and fired with such a longing to do something in imitation of him, that I would not give my eyes sleep or my days rest until I had given some beginning to this resolution of mine."
-Blessed Cesar de Bus, writing about Saint Charles Borromeo

All I've got

IN CHRIST ALONE
Brian Littrell

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone
Is Christ alone

The only thing is that whatever is going to bring me back doesn't seem like it's going to be something I have tried already. Whatever that "magic key" is, it's going to show up someday. Or will it?

Maybe it's simply a matter of me persevering in my prayer. Maybe every night before I go to sleep and every morning that I wake up, I need to pray for the grace to recognize Him in my day...to be able to hear his voice and see His face...to fall in love with Him again.

And maybe if I pray hard enough and I pray long enough, God will grant me His peace and allow me to experience His presence. But maybe not...

I wonder if this is just part of my journey, where I'm being molded and placed on a steeper path that will only strengthen me along the way. Maybe it isn't about the flowers anymore or the sweet consolations I used to receive so frequently.

Maybe this desert I'm walking in is the place where I will finally learn to cling to Him alone.

This isn't about me and a somebody else. It's about me and my God. Because there was a once upon a time that even amidst so many responsibilities, so many friendships, amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life, I somehow managed to make time for Jesus.

I talked about Him all the time. I wrote about Him every night. And throughout my days, I would thank Him for every "little" blessing He gave to remind me of the reality of Heaven.

It was a great relationship.

Now that I'm older and seven or so years have passed since my spiritual rebirth - or conversion experience, if you will - I notice that at times it becomes very routine. The life has gone out of my faith, at least from what I remember it to be.

Once upon a time.

I've never stopped praying...
I've never stopped going to Mass...
I've always been faithful to the Rosary...

...but my prayers are not filled with the confidence they used to have.
...but being in Mass and receiving Jesus in Holy Communion has become a thing to do instead of an encounter with God.
...but Mama Mary has taken her place in the back of my heart where I tend to forget how much she prays for me and for the rest of the world each and every day.

Someday.

Today, though, I just have to pay attention to the little things. God is trying to leave me with a lesson every day, so I need to live with that kind of awareness. It's easy to get caught up in all the things that don't matter in the end.

This might be the last of it......................and I can't predict what He'll tell me or show me along that way. With whatever happens, it's sure to be interesting.

Good nite!

The wood of the Cross

"If God causes you to suffer much, it is a sign that He has great designs for you, and that He certainly intends to make you a saint. And if you wish to become a great saint, entreat Him yourself to give you much opportunity for suffering; for there is no wood better to kindle the fire of holy love than the wood of the cross, which Christ used for His own great sacrifice of boundless charity."
– St. Ignatius of Loyola

Today...was just one of those days...when I look back and wonder what happened to all that time. When I remember the kinds of questions I would ask myself, while I'd roll with the punches of life...taking things as they come and contemplating all the possibilities in front of me.

With experience comes wisdom, and it's something that I've been very grateful for...with all of the great and wonderful things that have been presented to me over the years...along with all of the moments when I could have pulled my hair out trying to figure out what the heck was going on around me.

Highlights of the last 24 hours:

• talking to Jana about reacting with good humor to what normally would freak us out
• having Darren check my "pre-wedding temperature"...nice to know he's been watching out since the very beginning
• trying not to be sad about leaving when I realize more and more what has made me want to stay
• being excited at the same time for the transitions to come
• Christian stopping by the office just to say hi...and having to break the news
• the "stealth-bomber" conversation about what nurtures one's soul, knowing for two years where your heart has always really been
• feeding Jacob for the first time
• watching the productive juices flow at the HFYA meeting
• feeding Jacob for the second time
• believing as I share with others that God has a plan...though we might not understand it, it's always best to trust it

Thank you, Gary, for calling me. Now my day is complete. =)

Commitment

"Six days before Passover Jesus came to Bethany, the village of Lazarus whom Jesus had raised from the dead." –John 12:1

One Bread, One Body - Reflection for April 10, 2006

Apathy killed Jesus Christ. The Jewish leaders were jealous (Mt 27:18) and Pilate was afraid (Jn 19:8). However, they would not have been able to put Jesus to death except for the thousands of people who didn't show up for the crucifixion. They didn't want Jesus dead or alive. They didn't care. Apathy permitted Hitler to kill six million Jews, and Planned Parenthood to kill many more millions of babies. Apathy lets thousands die each day of starvation, and billions live each day without knowing Jesus.

During this Holy Week, the Lord wants to change apathy to empathy. The word "a-pathy" means "no suffering," while "em-pathy" means "in suffering." Jesus will change our selfishness that avoids people and their sufferings into love that actually suffers with others. "If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it" (1 Cor 12:26).

Mary of Bethany is the perfect model of empathy. She threw herself and her perfume at the feet of Jesus and dried His feet with her hair (Jn 12:3). She was willing to share in suffering because she was in love with Jesus. On the other hand, Judas is the example of apathy. He was more concerned about self and money than people (Jn 12:5-6).

From Presentation Ministries, a lay association of the Catholic Church that focuses on evangelization and discipleship through Bible teaching, daily Mass, the charisms of the Holy Spirit, and Small Christian Community

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"I'm in the ring with you."

Those were words Nelden left with me when he had visited Gary for Thanksgiving and spent the day with our family. I'll never forget them.

I've been asking myself what it means to be committed to Jesus, to my family, to my friends, to my relationship with my husband-to-be, to my Church, and to the people I serve. This statement came to me as the answer.

It's about being involved. Experiencing as best as you can with those who God puts into your life...putting yourself in their shoes...and better yet, walking beside them as you share your life with them and they share their life with you.

Granted that I cannot be with everyone everywhere all the time, I can at least be more present to who I am with, while I am with them. When they are happy, I want to share in their joy. When they are hurting, I want to share in their pain. That's what it means to connect. That's what it means to love your neighbor as Jesus has loved us.

For far too long I have held people at arm's length - even those I love the most - because I was afraid...afraid of getting involved, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of losing something. As I near the end of my twenties, I realize that most of this past decade of my life has been lived with my guard up. No one has really known me - at least not the free-spirited me - and sometimes I even wonder if that person will ever come out.

Soon, I think. The more I reflect on who I am, the more I can feel all the pieces coming together...and it's no longer an aching in my heart as much as it is an anticipated burst of life waiting to come out again, without the hesitancy I'd known before.

This past week especially has been a time of rediscovery - spurts here and there, to say the least. Maybe it began with the Labyrinth walk...perhaps it was the opening up that nudged me to take a good look at myself and admit how much growing I still need to do. It could have been Mass this morning at SPC when I teared the moment I noticed Fr. John's red vestments in memorial of the beginning of the Passion of Jesus...or when I watched Br. Jeremy cleaning the communion vessels, thanking God for faithful souls like him who boldly answer the call to holiness. Maybe it was the challenge my brother posed to me on the phone when we were talking about potential publishing projects - "...and what about you?" Or maybe it was the time I have spent clearing out my room...getting rid of what I cannot hold on to, acknowledging all of the people and things and experiences that have made me who I am today.

There's so much I still "don't get" about life...my life, in particular...but I don't know that anyone in this world has the clarity that I'm seeking. We just have to try our best with what we've got and trust that God is there guiding us each step of the way.

Who knows what's going to happen at this point. There will be joy, there will be suffering. There will be gain and there will be loss. But all shall be well because there will always be God.

Amen.

The journey of an actress turned nun

Dolores Hart (born Dolores Hicks on October 20, 1938 in Chicago, Illinois) is an American Roman Catholic nun and former actress.

Dolores Hicks was the only child of a Catholic actor Bert Hicks, and his wife, who, despite the religious implications, separated and ultimately divorced. Hart was also the niece of singer Mario Lanza. It was actually her grandfather, a movie theater projectionist to whom she turned for comfort in light of her parents' marital problems, whose enthusiasm for films influenced her decision to pursue an acting career. At the age of nine she had a bit part in the film Forever Amber, which was finally released in 1947 following a long battle between the movie's producers and the Catholic censors of the day.

Loving You. Much in demand, she made two more films before playing with Presley again in 1958's King Creole. She has denied ever having had an 'intimate' relationship with Presley offscreen. Hart then debuted on Broadway, winning a 1959 Theatre World Award as well as a Tony Award nomination for Best Featured Actress for her role in The Pleasure of His Company.

In 1960, Hart starred in Where the Boys Are, a teenage comedy about college students on spring break which developed a near cult-like following. She went on to star in four more films, her last opposite Hugh O'Brian in 1963's Come Fly with Me. At this point she had made up her mind to leave the film industry, and after breaking off her engagement to a Los Angeles businessman, the twenty-five-year old actress became a Roman Catholic nun at the Benedictine Abbey of Regina Laudis in Bethlehem, Connecticut, ultimately becoming the Prioress of the Convent. She chants in Latin eight times a day.

Prioress of the Abbey, but has in recent years become the only nun to be an Oscar-voting member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Filmography
Come Fly with Me (1963) .... Donna Stuart
Lisa (1962) .... Lisa Held
Sail a Crooked Ship (1961) .... Elinor Harrison
Francis of Assisi (1961) .... Clare
Where the Boys Are (1960) .... Merritt Andrews
The Plunderers (1960) .... Ellie Walters
King Creole (1958) .... Nellie
Lonelyhearts (1958) .... Justy Sargent
Wild Is the Wind (1957) .... Angie
Loving You (1957) .... Susan Jessup
Forever Amber (1947) (uncredited) .... Child

Contact
Rev. Mother Dolores Hart, O.S.B., Prioress, Abbey of Regina Laudis, 273 Flanders Road, Bethlehem, CT 06751 USA

Papal preacher condemns spiritual "half-measures"

Vatican, Apr. 07 (CWNews.com) - Catholics must not take "half-measures" in their spiritual lives, the preacher to the pontifical household said in a Lenten meditation on April 7.

Continuing his series of Friday sermons in the Redemptoris Mater chapel, Father Raniero Cantalamessa said that in the souls of many Christians, Christ is not imprisoned, but "free on parole." The Capuchin preacher explained that many believers allow Christ to "move, but within certain defined limits."

Christians, the papal preacher said, tend to place restrictions on what they think God can require of them. He outlined a typical Christian's commitment:

Prayer, yes; but not to the point of losing sleep or rest…
Obedience, yes; but not to the detriment of our own convenience.
Chastity, yes; but not to the point of depriving ourselves of some entertaining spectacle…

Such a collection of "half-measures," Father Cantalamessa said, is evidence of a superficial faith. A deeper faith, he said, acknowledges the reality of Christ's suffering and one's own role in causing it.

"I am Judas who betrayed Him, Peter who renounced Him, the crowd that cried out against Him," the preacher said. "Each time I have preferred my satisfaction, my comfort, my honor to that of Christ, that is what has happened."

Superficial Christianity, the preacher continued, reflects the "hardness of heart" that the Gospels mention: "the refusal to submit to God, to love Him with all one's heart, to obey his law."

"If a man wants to be always in God's company, he must pray regularly and read regularly. When we pray, we talk to God; when we read, God talks to us."
– St. Isidore of Seville

Walking the path

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Releasing and letting go. Following but offering only my life, apart from anyone else's. Yielding, accepting, giving others their space. Tired though I was, much of my energy was spent paying attention to the presence of those around me...somehow I had to be connected...somehow I had a difficult time focusing on just me.

At the end of it all, I could only know that I had finished my journey. I could only pray that those who were still walking their own paths would come to realize the truths God had in store for them. I could only long for the rest in His embrace...and I hoped that at the end of my life I could at last experience the peace of Heaven.

I had stopped looking for answers. I had come to give Him this walk...to let Him lead me...to let Him love me...and I had the hands to hold me as His response to many a question I had asked years ago.

Now I understood what I never could before. His ways are not our ways...nor His thoughts our thoughts. But God always wins out with the best solution...the best plan...the best gifts to give us when we open our hands long enough to surrender everything that keeps us from receiving.

The heart of a writer

"I cannot see how you can write and not have a broken heart from what you see around you." - Fr. Michael Kennedy, SJ

His words had resonance tonight because I knew he was right on point. We need to allow our hearts to be broken in order to have something of value to say to the world. We all have a story to tell - our own or that of those who have touched our lives. Even we as Christians tell a story of a man who we follow, of a God who loved us so much that He sent Him to die...a story full of struggle and suffering...but exploding with victory at the end of it all.

When you follow the events of a life and the impact it has on others, there is a certain connectivity you have because their story is somehow a part of yours. And others will then watch you, experiencing much of the same thing because your story is a part of theirs.

The need to be vulnerable with people at last has a purpose. It becomes okay to listen and to empathize...to be angry...to be joyful...to be sad...to be excited. We are given permission to share ourselves because it helps someone else tell their story, too.

But a story cannot be told without hope of a happy ending or a moral to be taught. The protagonist is on a journey of truth, seeking to find...something. Unless she opens herself up to the lessons she can learn along the way or the virtues she can acquire, the story has no point because in telling the story, the reader must travel with her and discover what truth the journey will uncover for himself.

That's how it is for us who live in this world. We watch each other, like we follow characters in a novel. We're looking for a good story - one that will catch our attention and give us that "Me, too!" experience. But we're not only looking for someone to identify with...we're looking for characters who will inspire us to greatness. Those who can rise above their conflicts and move us into a place where we never thought we could get to by ourselves.

We're looking for people who are real. People who have the same weaknesses as we do but have somehow overcome them. But the greatest obstacle we have in gaining something from them is our unwillingness to let our hearts go where they have gone...to that point of highest tension when a decision needs to be made about whether to give up or persevere...because we are afraid that we will fail.

Why?

Because that character...that person is not us. They cannot, in our present moments, do anything for us. We live in our own circumstances with our own choices to make...with our own story to write. And we know that other people are watching us as well.

Then what?

You choose your own adventure. You turn the page. You keep going until you've reached the end of your book. You put your pen down and reread what you've written, knowing in hindsight that you had been a character in many other stories in many other books that you may never know about.

All because you let your heart be broken, so much that you finally learned to love.

Hope and Innocence

We are all aware of the fact that media images and reality do not always coincide. In fact, the image that the media presents to us can be the polar opposite of the reality it replaces.

In the year 1508, Pope Julius II ordered a reluctant Michelangelo Buonarroti — who considered himself a sculptor and not a painter — to paint the huge vault of the Sistine Chapel, which, since the time of Sixtus IV, displayed nothing more resplendent than a blue field sprinkled with golden stars. Despite his initial reluctance, Michelangelo soon mastered the difficult technique of painting in fresco and produced the greatest pictorial masterpiece of the Renaissance.

His various frescoes represent episodes from the Book of Genesis. In the center of the ceiling, Michelangelo depicts God the Creator vigorously thrusting the index finger of His right hand toward a reclining Adam, whose own hand withdraws just enough that a gap appears, thus separating the Author of life from His somewhat indecisive recipient. This gap symbolizes the drama of God and man, the divine and the human, the source of life and our hesitation in welcoming it.

But such hesitation or reluctance does not apply to Samuel Alexander Armas. In a photograph which some observers say should be the “Picture of the Decade,” we see the tiny hand of Samuel when he was a 21-week-old fetus reaching up through an incision in his mother’s uterus and grabbing and squeezing the finger of the surgeon who had just performed a life saving, though not life-forming, procedure.

"As the surgery was nearing completion, the tiny fetus reached a fully recongnizable hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger."

After viewing the picture, which has been celebrated as the “Hand of Hope,” Samuel’s mother wept for days. “The photo reminds us my pregnancy isn’t about disability or an illness,” she said, “it’s about a little person.”

Little Samuel had been diagnosed in 1999 as having spina bifida, doomed to an early death unless operated on while still in his mother’s womb. Abortion was not an option for Samuel’s parents. During the operation, Dr. Joseph Bruner exteriorized the uterus via C-section and made a small incision to operate on the unborn child. As the surgery was nearing completion, the tiny fetus reached a fully recognizable hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon’s finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped in this way, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure, he was frozen and totally immobile.

The operation was a complete success: Samuel was born in perfect health. When Michael Clancy, the photographer who took the celebrated picture, related the extraordinary event that had just transpired to an attending nurse, she replied, rather matter-of factly, “Oh, they do that all the time.”

A few years later, Sen. Sam Brownback, Republican from Kansas, sponsored a Senate hearing to highlight advances in fetal surgery. Witnesses included Samuel’s parents, photographer Michael Clancy, maternal fetal-medicine specialist Dr. James Thorpe, and Samuel himself. During the hearing, Sen. Brownback pointed to the “Hand of Hope” picture and asked Samuel if he knew who it was. Easy. “Baby Samuel.” The senator then asked if he knew what had been done to him. Samuel, now three years of age, said, “They fixed my boo-boo.”



Samuel Armas and his mother today

While residing in his mother’s uterus, little Samuel was a moral/legal/political paradox. There was no doubt on the part of his parents that their child, despite his tiny frame and spina bifida, was a human being endowed with the right to go on living. Abortion, though legal, was out of the question. Dr. Bruner, law and politics aside, recognized the humanity of his patient and so did the insurance company that covered the bill. Yet some politicians and lawmakers would see nothing immoral about snuffing out Samuel’s life in the womb.

It may be that we sometimes want to derive more from what is symbolic than what is warranted. It is tempting to contrast the grateful finger of Samuel with the reluctant finger of Adam, and draw the conclusion that a child shall lead us. Yet, in this case, the symbols are not mere creations of the imagination. They are firmly grounded in fact. We adults, stricken as we are by a thousand anxieties, often allow our enthusiasm for life to wane. We slide, however slowly and imperceptibly, from being pro-life to being pro-life-without-too-many inconveniences. The tiny child in the womb knows no such anxieties. He is entirely for life, since life is all he knows. He represents life uncompromised. He is our pro-life role model.

Why would Dr. Bruner find the curling of a fetal hand around his finger to be the “most emotional moment of his life”? A medical doctor who is schooled in science and skilled in surgery is usually not given to sentimental indulgence. Did Dr. Bruner touch the root of life, life in its purity, life uncontaminated by the doubts of a self-indulgent adult world? Did he feel, for that brief moment, like a god whose creature, unlike Adam, welcomed his life-giving touch?

Photographer Michael Clancy said, “Samuel Armas made more of an impact on this world before he was born than most of us make in a lifetime.”

This is a humbling thought for most of us. It is not our achievements that count so much as our love for and dedication to life. A child, indeed, shall lead us. The life of the living is paramount. Little Samuel, by a simple gesture, put this point back into focus for us. And this is why his hand is appropriately called the “Hand of Hope.”

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
DeMarco, Donald. "Hope and Innocence." Lay Witness (January/February 2006): 10-11.

Holding my hand

He's moving me along. The prompting in my heart to pursue the nagging desire led me to a place I never knew existed. And somehow it just fits.

By no means am I running away from anything. It's a bittersweet feeling to have to leave people you have shared so much with...to leave places that have come to mean so much. Everywhere I've ever been has somehow been "home" to me. Everyone I've ever met has somehow become "family".

But maybe somehow in my walking away and going towards, in my taking with me and my letting go, I am in some way embracing the world and learning more this way than I ever could before.

How I have wished I could have kept certain friends and lived closer to certain family members over the years. I've longed for the lazy days of hanging out with the girls and going to movies. I've missed the Sunday morning talks on my bed with my sisters. And my kids...how I've wanted to see them grow up...to know how they would be inspired over the years...to be there for the special landmark moments, especially when they'd be looking for answers in regards to their faith. Prayer meetings and Kappa meetings, PCN practices and music min practices. All memories of times I know I'll never have again.

And today I look forward while glancing back, well aware of the sadness I will feel and the excitement of what awaits me in the coming months.

So much change all at once. But it's going to be okay. Actually, it's going to be good for me and those He will give me to love and to serve.

I wanted to be able to trust God completely with every aspect of my life, and now here is my opportunity. He carries it all so close to His heart because He does that with everybody. He has a plan for each one of us and it's something that we need to believe and have faith in. I will go where He wants me to go, and where He wants me to go seems to be very clear.

Continuing to question myself at times is a weakness I struggle with, but it appears that when He deems necessary for our lives to move in a particular direction, He will make the path straight, though narrow it may be. I have to trust that. I have to know that He will be there...that He is here now...and that He will be there for everyone I leave behind.

That's just how it has always worked out.

So I give this all to You, dear Lord. Embracing my present and the day I now live in with the people You have placed in my life. Please hold me in Your hand and be my support...my courage and my strength. But first and foremost, please be my Love, so that I will cherish the moments You give me and treasure all the lessons learned.

Chosen

"Whenever the divine favor chooses someone to receive a special grace, or to accept a lofty vocation, God adorns the person chosen with all the gifts of the Spirit needed to fulfill the task at hand."
- St. Bernadine of Siena

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You sometimes have to question in order to find the answers. It might take some time to realize that you're in the right place doing the right thing, but once you arrive there for yourself, peace will fill your soul.

Yesterday at Mass, I knew that I had stopped looking for the experiences and started looking for my God. No longer was it about the consolations and the feelings...those have been long gone. I couldn't hold on to the graces He had given me years ago because those gifts were only for that particular time in my life with those particular circumstances.

Now I just want to know that I am doing His will.

About a month ago, I was seriously reflecting on my place at Verbum Dei, wondering if I was done with my mission and needed to move on. When I asked myself, I thought my job was finished. When I asked God, He said otherwise.

I had to pay attention to the moments when I knew He was speaking to me. The four days I spent subbing for Br. Kim's class. The conversation I had with Dominique in my office. The blessed "coincedence" of meeting Jeff BB in the Conference Room during last Thursday's dinner break. The assurance I had given Douglas at my table in the gym. The thanks I received from the parents that night. The entire Faculty & Staff retreat that exploded with the confirmations I had been seeking since December.

It wasn't up to me...but then it was.

I had to make the choice. No one was going to force me to stay. No one was going to force me to leave. I just had to discover the reasons for doing whatever I would choose to do. And they had to be His reasons, not mine.

Our day at LMU was wonderful. Absolutely filled with grace. At least that's what it was for me because I have never experienced a Faculty & Staff retreat as a participant. Fr. Jim and Fr. Wayne Negrete did a great job with putting it all together. I only had to get drinks, do the opening prayer, and lead my small group. The teamwork I had been longing for allowed me to really take in for myself what God wanted me to hear.

And I heard a lot.

Fr. Wayne began the day with a talk about the baptism of Jesus and how He had to leave everything behind to fulfill His purpose. Fr. Jim had pointed out the powerful imagery in the talk that made me understand that Jesus, too, was subject to the will of His Father just like we were. In His baptism, John the Baptist immersed Him under water, with no air, no light, no power in Himself to come up until John decided He was ready to do so. Although Jesus was God, as one of us He was not above God. He also had to surrender so that the Plan could be carried out in His life. A great lesson to be learned for us all.

After Fr. Wayne gave his testimony about his leaving during college to study abroad and pursue different callings as he walked away from the familiar, Nic followed to share those moments in his life when he allowed God to work and guide him along his own path. He spoke of those who he held close to his heart because they were the ones who mentored him and made sure that he stayed faithful. Despite his own desires and ambitions, God still found a way to bring him where he needed to be - and where others needed him to be as well - because there was something that had to be done in their lives through his. The only way that he was able to do this was to remember that he was giving to his students a piece of each person who had loved him...each person who had made him the man he is today. If he let himself get in the way of that, all of his issues would interfere and he would not be able to get it done.

I had to thank him for that. It was the perspective I needed to move through my own self-doubt. The light bulb went on...the fire had reignited...because I remembered who I would be coming back to and the wisdom that they had passed on to me. By myself I didn't have a whole lot. But looking back at the people who helped shaped Marianne, I had a gold mine.

We broke up into small groups and shared our own family backgrounds - what had molded us and influenced us in our faith. It was so enlightening to hear stories from my coworkers, especially since most of my group was new to the staff this year and I didn't know much about where they came from. That time we shared was incredibly valuable since we don't really have the opportunity to visit with each other too often when we're at work.

Lunch time was spent talking to Hector about white rice, Lenten meals, and the importance of family time. I had a great time with him because he's just one of those people that loves to laugh and loves to share - someone you know you can have a real heart-to-heart talk with or just joke around with depending on the mood of the moment.

Brief glances around the Xavier Hall Library gave me the chance to soak in the joy of the people I have worked with all year. I told Fr. Jim that I loved how the day was going, and truly appreciated the work he had put into it.

Br. Rich then shared with us the history of the school and how his order - the Divine Word Missionaries - had started the apostolate, not even being an education ministry. He had been there for 16 years and had seen the ups and downs...hills and valleys...of both the administration and staff and the students. From what he had told us, the campus and student body have improved drastically...and there is hope. It is a great blessing that the archdiocese did not close the school because the community in South Central LA looks to Verb with pride, at least those who do understand our mission. I also felt the love growing within me, so grateful for the legacy that the SVD's had passed on to us.

Then came Mrs. Mingo - our librarian - who I have always known to have a beautiful spirit. She told her story about coming to Verbum Dei and how much work she has done to make the library not only a resource for the students but a place of refuge and solace. In this age of modern technology, most teenagers do not appreciate reading books like they used to, so they may not tap into the wealth of knowledge found in the library, but the woman who runs it definitely offers to them the treasures she carries in her own heart.

"You all love the students - I can see it," she said. "When I watch you coming out of your offices and classrooms, I can tell how much love you have for them. And just imagine that if each of us has even just a teensy bit of love in our hearts for them, if you put us all together, that's a whole lot of love."

Wow. It was then that I took a good look at those faces, who work so hard and sacrifice so much for our guys...who walk on to the campus of that little high school in Watts and offer their time, their talent, and their lives no matter how difficult it might be on any given day. It was then that I said, yes...I want to stay.

Though it may not always seem like it, we are doing amazing things at Verbum Dei. Yes, it is harder to work there than it is at most other places, but the rewards are well-worth it. I can't see them yet, for I've only been there for two years...but I can trust in the words of Br. Rich, Mrs. Mingo and Nic. I can trust in their hope and their faith and their love for the school. And I can know that for this next year of my life, I will also ask God to help me to continue serving well and serving strong. I will go back into the classroom and give a piece of my father, my grandparents, of my own mentors to them. How rich I really am because I also have the chance to receive pieces of those who have contributed to the lives of the men and women surrounding me every day.

And when in doubt, it is always God's saving grace to remind us how much we are loved by Him. How He looks upon us and says, "You are my beloved children with whom I am well-pleased."

As I close this entry, I come back to the statement made by our IT guy John in our small group: "If we only realized how much we are truly loved by God, we would all be great saints."

Amen. =)

"Occupy your minds with good thoughts, or the enemy will fill them with bad ones. Unoccupied, they cannot be."
– St. Thomas More

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Pope says commitment of Lent is listening to Christ as Mary did

Vatican City, Mar. 13, 2006 (CNA) - During his weekly Angelus prayer on Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI told a group of thousands, gathered below his study window in St. Peter’s Square that Christians are not called to always live in glorious, mystical experiences, but rather, to humbly listen to the voice of Christ, just as the Blessed Virgin Mary did.

The Pope, who had just finished a week-long spiritual retreat, said that his recent days were spent “completely dedicated to listening to the Lord, Who always speaks to us, and who expects us to pay the greatest attention, especially in this period of Lent."

He went on to comment on Sunday’s Gospel reading, in which, the Transfiguration of Christ on Mount Tabor, is recorded in Mark. He said that "when we have the grace of undergoing a profound experience of God, it as if we experienced something similar to what happened to the disciples during the Transfiguration.”

“For a moment” he said, “we enjoy a foretaste of what will be the joy of heaven.”

He said that "these are usually brief experiences that God sometimes grants, especially prior to severe trials,” but also quickly pointed out that, “it is given to no one to live 'upon Tabor' while they are on this earth.”

“Human life is, in fact,” he said, “a journey of faith and, as such, progresses more in the shadows than in full light, and is not without moments of obscurity or even of complete blackness.”

“As long as we live in the world,” the Pope pointed out, “our relationship with God consists more in listening than in seeing; and even contemplation comes about, so to say, with eyes closed and thanks to the inner light lit within us by the Word of God."

Calling to mind the example of the Virgin Mary, Benedict recalled that, "advanced in her own pilgrimage of faith day after day," she meditated on the Word of God, both through the Scriptures and through events in the life of her Son "in which she recognized and accepted the mysterious voice of the Lord.”

He said that "This, then, is the commitment of each of us during Lent: to listen to Christ as Mary did.”

Specifically, he encouraged the faithful to “listen to Him in His Word, conserved in Holy Scripture…listen to it in the events of our own lives, seeking to read therein the messages of Providence,” and finally, “to listen to it in our brothers and sisters, especially in the smallest and the poorest, towards whom Jesus Himself calls for a concrete display of our love.”

The Holy Father concluded by saying that “Listening to Christ and obeying His voice…is the Way, the one Way that leads to the fullness of joy and of love."

A Sign...literally

"Love What You Do"...it had a rose next to it...off the 91 fwy coming back from Redondo Beach. How timely...

You have to pay attention to what God is trying to tell you through the people who are in your life. What might seem like a burden or an inconvenience may actually be an answer to a question you've had burning in your heart for some time. So it's really important to take the time to listen.

Every song has a story. In order to sing it well, you need to tell it from your heart...this story set to music. Do I have enough faith to share it with the world? Can I do it again? It looks like I'm headed in the right direction.

St. Anthony really does help you find things that are missing.

And last but not least, it's wonderful to be loved this much. I wouldn't trade it for all the riches in the world.

Now I know...

Bless the Broken Road
by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rollin home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God Blessed the Broken Road
That led me straight to you
That God Blessed the Broken Road
That led me straight to you

Honor

Life in Christ: Catechism #2158
God calls each one by name. Everyone's name is sacred. The name is the icon of the person. It demands respect as a sign of the dignity of the one who bears it.

If a little flower could speak

"It seems to me that if a little flower could speak, it would tell simply what God has done for it without trying to hide its blessings. It would not say, under the pretext of a false humility, it is not beautiful or without perfume, that the sun has taken away its splendor and the storm has broken its stem when it knows that all this is untrue."
- St. Therese, Story of a Soul

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Dear Jesus,
I pray for the grace to share the goodness You have given me in a way that considers the various paths walked by my family and friends. Sometimes I find myself afraid of offending others, but how can they take offense when Your message is presented to them with love? I do not speak for the sake of speaking but for the sake of souls...that they, too, will have the chance to know how wonderful You are.

Since I have been engaged, I have been asked many times how the planning has been going. I tell my friends that the events of the wedding continue to evolve, with God directing each detail. The honeymoon, however, it taken care of and nothing is left to be done.

As it is in my walk with You, Lord.

On our wedding day, Gary and I will leave the single life and devote our married life to each other and to You. In the moment when we make our vows, nothing else will matter but the spoken words of the covenant between us. God will have brought us to that point and cleared the path for which He has planned and for which we have chosen. The "How" in the getting there only having been orchestrated by His design.

And so I live also trusting that the day will come when He will call me from this place and bring me into union with Him. The Divine Will in place and each circumstance used to draw me closer to Him. Heaven will be waiting for me, as there is nothing more I can do but hope for it and look forward to finally being with my Creator - the Love that has poured Himself into everything and everyone I have ever cherished on this earth. At last, I will be complete.

Singing of Your mercies, as St. Therese does so unashamedly, I say, "Thank You" for blessing me so. Too few people in this world rejoice in the treasures they have received. I want to follow You and be that flower...the little one that silently gives You glory...the one that is looked upon with a smile as only those who are in tune and paying attention will stop to notice.

Yet even if no others can see me, You do. I will simply live my life reaching up to You, my Jesus - my Sun - and offer You my presence.

Amen.

"When virtue is present , we imitate it; when it is absent, we long for it; It is crowned in eternity for having triumphed in the blameless struggle." (Wisdom 4:2)

Take My Hand

by KRY
I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
wih a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

Chorus:
take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown

just like a child
holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

Hebrews 11

The Good Lord's Mercy

"I find myself at a period in my life when I can glance on the past; my soul has matured in the crucible of interior and exterior trials. And now like a flower strengthened by the storm, I can raise my head and see the words of Psalm 22 realized in me: 'The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want; he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. Even though I was through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for thou art with me...' To me the Lord has always been 'merciful and good, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love' (Ps 102:8)"
- St. Therese of Lisieux, Story of a Soul

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It is time that I read again, five years later, the words that once changed my life...for now, different passages call out to my soul. In 2001 I was able to appreciate St. Therese's deep desire for God's love. Today, I can relish in her trials and the lessons that had come out of them. The beauty of purification is insurmountable. We cannot expect to live like Christ and not suffer some hardship. No, I would not trade my crosses for someone else's...nor would I wish that their weight was lighter...for God has used every bit of pain to draw out the truth of who I am. This no longer is something I can shut my eyes and my heart to because to deny it is to deny the very Spirit who lives within me. As the Jews revere the only Wall left standing of their once glorious Temple, I must look to the remnants of my faith...of my own once-upon-a-time...and hold fast to what He has given me. All is not lost. It never has been.

A Plan and a Purpose

Why I Choose to Teach at a Catholic School

A paper mache crucifix made in Art class that has been a prop for many a retreat talk. An origami nun I have kept in my checkbook for four years. A Miraculous Medal I have worn around my neck since 2002. Rose petals found that have served as reminders to hope in the prayers we persistently offer up through the intercession of the Saints. Letters, notes, drawings, and cards placed in my hands to tell me that I am in the right place.

I teach at a Catholic school because these gifts are the fruit of lessons in Scripture, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and discussions centered on the universal call to holiness. Five years ago, I thought I ended up as a Catholic school teacher by chance. My students have proven that there is no such thing. God ordains every step and provides every opportunity to know Him, love Him, and serve Him in some of the most unexpected ways. So when I came to understand why these children needed me, I discovered what St. Teresa of Avila meant when she said that Christ has no hands on earth but ours. That is when I adopted Jesus as my Master Teacher.

Learning the ways of the Lord in His teaching ministry helped me go beyond textbook knowledge and bring the curriculum to life. Many of my students began to realize that their grades and test scores were not the ultimate end but the means to where they needed to go – that heaven was their goal and everything they did, no matter how seemingly insignificant, would lead them closer to it or farther away.

I will never forget a conversation I had with one of my boys, Nick, who could not get motivated enough to do his homework but would draw me pictures and write beautiful prayers about his deep love for God. He said he wanted to be an architect, so I reminded him that there was a reason for what was necessary to accomplish. This was important because one day, God might need him to build a beautiful church so others could pray and worship Him. Somehow, that clicked. Nick finally saw a glimpse of the big picture.

I found such joy in guiding young souls to the truth of who they really were as children of God – children who would grow into adults that made a difference in the world around them. It was most encouraging to know that the kids were going home and teaching their younger brothers and sisters how to pray the Rosary and leading the prayers when close relatives would pass away. Parents would approach me with light in their eyes and smiles on their faces, as their faith was also being renewed through the witness of their own young boys and girls.

This I can only attribute to the grace and mercy of God. I gave my “Yes” but He has done the rest. It has been my greatest privilege to share in the lives of my students and their families…to laugh with them and cry with them…to watch them grow and see them off in hopes that they will someday pass on what I gave them to those who need it the most.

Had I never been chosen by Him to feed His sheep, my heart would not be so full nor would my life be this rich. +AMDG+

- Ms. Marianne Soratorio

It All Starts with God

Re-reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

"...focusing on ourselves will never reveal our life's purpose."

"You could reach all your personal goals, becoming a raving success by the world's standard, and still miss the purposes for which God created you."

"You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many other parts of your life, but you don't get to choose your purpose."

Point to Ponder: It's not about me.

Verse to Remember: "Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him." (Col 1:16b)

Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

My response:
I think I would make a mess of my life if it was totally up to me. Hmm...let me make that a more positive statement. I think God truly saves me from A LOT. A lot of heartache, a lot of despair, a lot of bad situations that I could potentially make much worse. Though I believe that I've had my share of hardships, He is the reason why I still can open my heart to love people...why I get up in the morning to go to work...why I can watch the news and read about the world's horrific events with some glimmer of faith that somehow some good is coming out of it all.

As far as my purpose...I don't know that I fully understand that yet. Day One says that we should look to the Bible and ask God what our purpose is. The chapter ends with saying that I'm about to walk into the light. At various times in my life, I thought I knew. When I walked off the campus of St. Paul of the Cross and onto the grounds of Verbum Dei, I thought I knew. When I served at St. Pius, I thought I knew. When I shadowed the Carmelite life, I thought I knew. But it is only God - not me - who can see the Big Picture.

So what am I doing reading this book again?

I need to be reminded, especially now. Especially when I have days like I have had lately when I question what I'm doing here and I doubt that it makes much of a difference. I need to be consoled with the fact that I was placed in this world on purpose...with purpose...for somebody...or a Bigger Someone...to do something great.

But first I need to understand who it is what really loves me before I wholeheartedly can love Him back. My seeking His face is my act of worship. That's something I learned as I taught the Judaism unit for Freshman religion. For the Jews, studying the Torah was an act of worship to the Lord. They wanted to know His laws like the back of their hand, and so they spent hours upon hours poring over the scrolls of the revealed Word of God. For me, I will search for His presence until I find Him in my family, my friends, my students and coworkers. This searching is what I can offer to God. Recognizing Him in them is the least I can do because when He died, Jesus looked at me and only saw a treasure worth buying with His own blood.

Yes, this is not about me. It's all about you, Jesus.

Who she was

"The little flower transplanted to Mount Carmel was to expand under the shadow of the cross. The tears and blood of Jesus were to be her dew, and her Sun was His adorable Face veiled with tears... I understood what real glory was. He whose Kingdom is not of this world showed me that true wisdom consists in 'desiring to be unknown and counted as nothing.' "

******************************
Thought for the day:
What once was will always be and never be the same again. But at least I have now...this moment spent in the presence of God who surrounds me with His love and fills me with the grace to go on.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." (Mt 11:28-30)

My Community

January 27, 2006 latimes.com : California

Steve Lopez:
Points West
War Zone Surrounds an Island of Hope

"Mr. Lopez,

I am a teacher at an all-boys Catholic high school, called Verbum Dei, in Watts. For the past two weeks, we have been operating and holding classes in a locked-down state…. There is a gang war being waged between the Nickerson Gardens Bounty Hunters and the Jordan Downs Grape Street Crips."

Only a few weeks ago, Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa held a celebratory news conference to announce a 10% drop in major crimes in 2005. But not everyone is feeling more secure these days.

When I heard from the Verbum Dei teacher, I was looking into an apparent gang-related killing that put the Atwater Village neighborhood on edge as the new year began. I attended a meeting in which police frankly admitted they've got limited resources, with as few as three patrol cars on the street at times in the entire Northeast Division.

Three patrol cars?

I was as shocked as some of the Atwater residents. And I was surprised to hear an officer tell people that if they see gang activity on their street, they should all go out and water the lawn to make it clear they're watching.

I don't mean to dismiss the value of active vigilance, but residents were looking for stronger ideas than a volunteer lawn-watering brigade. Two gents from L.A. Bridges, the gang intervention outfit, had what sounded like a better suggestion than group irrigation. If you see gang activity, they said, call them. They'll gladly go confront the bangers and try to talk them out of gangs and into jobs.

The trouble in Atwater is disturbing enough. But the situation in Watts is crazy.

Since right around Christmas, the neighborhood around Verbum Dei has been a war zone, with bullets flying night and day.

Southeast Division Lt. Anne Clark counts 19 shootings and five slayings.

What got it started?

"You just don't know what sets it off," Clark said. "Somebody got into it with someone else and then the shootings started. And the killing."

Clark said police have swarmed the problem, making 39 arrests since Christmas. It's been quieter for the last several days, Clark said, and she's hoping the worst of it — of the latest outburst, at least — is done for now.

So do the students and faculty at Verbum Dei High School.

When I got there Wednesday the big iron gates on Central Avenue were locked, giving the school the appearance of a prison. There's no gang problem among students, and there haven't been any shootings in the surrounding area during school hours, but Verbum Dei is taking no chances.

Father John Weling, the school president, and Principal Susan Abelein told me the playing fields out back, which border the Nickerson projects, are temporarily off-limits to students. The soccer team had been forced to practice in the gym, but now it's being shuttled to Loyola Marymount University for practices and games.

Classroom doors are kept locked while the 305 students are in class, and parents have to drop students off and pick them up in the back lot. Extra security has been hired, and police patrols have picked up. The whole time I was on campus, a helicopter circled above, keeping an eye on the unsettled neighborhood.

Perhaps even more disturbing, some students didn't seem to be all that rattled by the recent crime wave.

"When you're living in L.A.," said senior Darren Acker, who's hoping to go to Loyola next year, it's a part of life. "You're never promised a single day. You go out the door protecting yourself."

Jonathan Phillips, a sophomore, lives in Inglewood. But he lived in the Verbum Dei neighborhood until a year ago, and recalls being asked more than once a simple question that can send a chill down a teenager's spine, because it's often followed up with gunfire.

"Where you from?"

Phillips said this was his answer:

"I don't bang. I'm a child of God. I play basketball."

For some kids, the Verbum Dei insignia on a sweater or jacket is more than a badge of honor.

"The uniform helps us a lot," said senior Joshua Miles, referring to the slacks, dress shirt and necktie students are required to wear. If you're cracking the books at a school where more than 90% of the students — half black, half Latino — go on to college, it signals to gang members that you're definitely not interested in their business.

"Verbum Dei was my gang, the most worshipped place in Watts," said counselor DeAnthony Langston, a child of the neighborhood.

He grew up at Nickerson Gardens, graduated from Verbum in 1984 and thinks the school saved his life. Many of his boyhood pals are either dead or in prison, and this latest rash of trouble breaks his heart.

"These are the kids who are really afraid," he said when we looked through a chain-link fence and into the play yard at the 112th Street Elementary School next door, where the youngsters were at recess. "Their relatives are the ones doing the killing. They say, 'Mr. Langston, I don't want to go home. I don't want to get killed.' "

The story never ends. Decade after decade, we talk about crime and gangs and neighborhoods filled with people living in fear. We ask how it can happen in so rich and resourceful a country, even though we know the answers.

Economic and educational apartheid, lack of investment, glorification of all the wrong values.

If you make it, as Langston did, you beat huge odds.

And what was his secret?

"My mom didn't mess around," he said. She expected a lot and she didn't let up, so he went to college, played pro basketball in Japan, learned another culture and language, and came home to give something back.

Now here he is, speaking over the chop of the circling helicopter. He's telling me about the plan to put a gate in the fence so student tutors from Verbum Dei can walk through and tell the primary schoolers to be smart, stay focused and try to make it through to the other side.

The Mission of the Apostles

Dedicated to my sister Roselynn and my BiL Mike...

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

Everyone needs the length of life's journey so that, aided by grace, he can grasp all the truth and beauty that was given to him in the beginning.

The desire that others meet Christ is authentic in the degree that it is accompanied bu a profound respect for their situation. It is not up to us to save the world: God saves; at best we are His instruments. He chooses the time and place in which to communicate Himself to each man; we are called to accept them. "Mission" means to generate something new within a reality which already exists...

Mission consists in recalling people's hearts from inside their situation to something that is happening among them just as it happened among us. Patience is required, the slow participation in man's deepest being. But participation is not only accepting. If we did not have something new to bring to others, we would be absorbed by them and would end up not sharing anything with them. We must be aware of the inestimable value of what we have received: we have met the One who is the answer to our deepest longings. The more this experience is alive in us, the more others will be able to perceive its newness on their own...

Courage consists in being dominated only by love, and one who loves is patient, because everything that he needs is already present in the moment in which he is living. We are sent to everyone - or rather - to each person. Every man has a heart for knowing and loving Christ. He has a name, a vocation: he is a specific and irreplaceable tile within the great mosaic that God is building in history. This awareness fills us with patience and with mercy, and makes our adventure exciting and inexhaustible.

- Monsignor Massimo Camisaca

Onward Christian soldier

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

"Casting Out Devils"

I am writing to you in the precious blood of God's Son. I long to see you so strong and filled to overflowing with that Holy Spirit who came upon the holy disciples that God's gentle word will be able to grow and bear fruit in you and in your neighbors as well. After the fire of the Holy Spirit had descended on them they mounted the pulpit of the blazing cross, where they felt and tasted the hunger of God's Son, his love for mankind. Then their words came forth as does a red-hot knife from a furnace, and with its heat they pierced their listeners to the heart and cast out the devils. Since they had lost themselves, the saw not themselves but only God's glory and honor and our salvation.

So my dearest son, I beg you - it is my will in Christ Jesus - make your home in the pulpit of the cross. There be engulfed, lose yourself completely, with insatiable desire. Draw the red-hot knife and strike the devils, seen and unseen, who want to continually disturb your conscience by nipping people's fruit in the bud. Don't give in to this wicked devil - especially now, when it is time for harvesting and sowing. Tell the devil to deal with me instead of with you! Forward then, courageously.

- St. Catherine of Siena

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Please don't forget that you were made in the image and likeness of God. Fallen, yes. Weak, yes. Made to roam the earth aimlessly without a purpose, no. We all have limitations inherent to our human nature, but our faith gives us a means of transcending our mortal situation to go beyond that which threatens to keep us down. Even death has no hold on us because Jesus himself conquered it in his Resurrection.

We are not and never "only human", so may we not make the mistake of downplaying our role in God's plan of salvation. Everything we do does matter in the building up or tearing down of the Kingdom here on earth. Jesus died once and for all, but he depends on us to bring him to others...to shine his light...to have faith that the Gospel bears in the truth and life.

There is not one man or woman on this planet who does not belong in heaven. The sad thing is that not everyone wants to be there. Some would rather not leave the world because they are so attached to it. Others are not told the whole story and do not really understand the greatness that awaits them as children of God. All we can do is try...reach out...live by example...and most of all, pray.

I believe that one by one, more and more Christians will understand who they really are as warriors commissioned by heaven to fight for souls. It's a serious responsibility that comes with a lot of grace to fulfill it, especially when you find yourself extremely exhausted from the battle.

As I've said in the past - GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION.

There is always hope. As long as people pray...as long as they know the goodness of God...as long as they are willing to make sacrifices and persevere for the sake of souls, there is hope. It's going to be okay.

I have chosen to believe in miracles again...big ones, small ones, and everything inbetween.

So, Lord, I'm praying, asking for one because miracles of healing are not limited to the body but are extended to the heart and soul as well.

**************************

Weathered
by Creed
Dedicated to the ones who know this struggle well...

I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No I can't accept the life that's mine

Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading life with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Maybe that's why I feel alone

Me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Sometimes I feel like giving up

Me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

The day reminds me of you
The night hides your truth
The earth is a voice
Speaking to you
Take all this pride
And leave it behind
Because one day it ends
One day we die
Believe what you will
That is your right
But I choose to fight
So I choose to fight
To fight



"May grace, mercy, and peace be with us from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen."

The Courage to be a Saint

...is to unite yourself to the sufferings of Christ, knowing how very weak you are and remembering how very strong He is for you.

A saint's heart loves God, making Him the center of everything he does. Even when his soul is plagued by his past, he invites God into the darkest corners of his life and trusts in God's unending mercy.

No, it isn't easy to be a saint because you have to accept yourself for who you really are...in all your glory as His creation and in all your imperfect humanity.

When a saint believes that she also is loved by God, she can find her smile in His greatest blessings and in her heaviest crosses. She gives to her God her best, offering what little she has so that her life becomes His smile.

There is much in this world to discourage you on this journey, but there is more in heaven to encourage you along the way.

The difference between an ordinary person and a saint is that an ordinary person falls and stays on the ground. A saint falls and each time reaches up for the hand of Christ, as Peter cried out from the raging ocean, "Lord, save me!"

The ultimate failure in a saint's life is to never reach his destination...to never be in the presence of her God...to never experience the joy that awaits for all eternity.

Always strive, always persevere, always love...for love endures all things.

Amen.

"I have told you this, so that in me you may have peace. You will have trouble; but, courage! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
love,
Jesus