Chosen

"Whenever the divine favor chooses someone to receive a special grace, or to accept a lofty vocation, God adorns the person chosen with all the gifts of the Spirit needed to fulfill the task at hand."
- St. Bernadine of Siena

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You sometimes have to question in order to find the answers. It might take some time to realize that you're in the right place doing the right thing, but once you arrive there for yourself, peace will fill your soul.

Yesterday at Mass, I knew that I had stopped looking for the experiences and started looking for my God. No longer was it about the consolations and the feelings...those have been long gone. I couldn't hold on to the graces He had given me years ago because those gifts were only for that particular time in my life with those particular circumstances.

Now I just want to know that I am doing His will.

About a month ago, I was seriously reflecting on my place at Verbum Dei, wondering if I was done with my mission and needed to move on. When I asked myself, I thought my job was finished. When I asked God, He said otherwise.

I had to pay attention to the moments when I knew He was speaking to me. The four days I spent subbing for Br. Kim's class. The conversation I had with Dominique in my office. The blessed "coincedence" of meeting Jeff BB in the Conference Room during last Thursday's dinner break. The assurance I had given Douglas at my table in the gym. The thanks I received from the parents that night. The entire Faculty & Staff retreat that exploded with the confirmations I had been seeking since December.

It wasn't up to me...but then it was.

I had to make the choice. No one was going to force me to stay. No one was going to force me to leave. I just had to discover the reasons for doing whatever I would choose to do. And they had to be His reasons, not mine.

Our day at LMU was wonderful. Absolutely filled with grace. At least that's what it was for me because I have never experienced a Faculty & Staff retreat as a participant. Fr. Jim and Fr. Wayne Negrete did a great job with putting it all together. I only had to get drinks, do the opening prayer, and lead my small group. The teamwork I had been longing for allowed me to really take in for myself what God wanted me to hear.

And I heard a lot.

Fr. Wayne began the day with a talk about the baptism of Jesus and how He had to leave everything behind to fulfill His purpose. Fr. Jim had pointed out the powerful imagery in the talk that made me understand that Jesus, too, was subject to the will of His Father just like we were. In His baptism, John the Baptist immersed Him under water, with no air, no light, no power in Himself to come up until John decided He was ready to do so. Although Jesus was God, as one of us He was not above God. He also had to surrender so that the Plan could be carried out in His life. A great lesson to be learned for us all.

After Fr. Wayne gave his testimony about his leaving during college to study abroad and pursue different callings as he walked away from the familiar, Nic followed to share those moments in his life when he allowed God to work and guide him along his own path. He spoke of those who he held close to his heart because they were the ones who mentored him and made sure that he stayed faithful. Despite his own desires and ambitions, God still found a way to bring him where he needed to be - and where others needed him to be as well - because there was something that had to be done in their lives through his. The only way that he was able to do this was to remember that he was giving to his students a piece of each person who had loved him...each person who had made him the man he is today. If he let himself get in the way of that, all of his issues would interfere and he would not be able to get it done.

I had to thank him for that. It was the perspective I needed to move through my own self-doubt. The light bulb went on...the fire had reignited...because I remembered who I would be coming back to and the wisdom that they had passed on to me. By myself I didn't have a whole lot. But looking back at the people who helped shaped Marianne, I had a gold mine.

We broke up into small groups and shared our own family backgrounds - what had molded us and influenced us in our faith. It was so enlightening to hear stories from my coworkers, especially since most of my group was new to the staff this year and I didn't know much about where they came from. That time we shared was incredibly valuable since we don't really have the opportunity to visit with each other too often when we're at work.

Lunch time was spent talking to Hector about white rice, Lenten meals, and the importance of family time. I had a great time with him because he's just one of those people that loves to laugh and loves to share - someone you know you can have a real heart-to-heart talk with or just joke around with depending on the mood of the moment.

Brief glances around the Xavier Hall Library gave me the chance to soak in the joy of the people I have worked with all year. I told Fr. Jim that I loved how the day was going, and truly appreciated the work he had put into it.

Br. Rich then shared with us the history of the school and how his order - the Divine Word Missionaries - had started the apostolate, not even being an education ministry. He had been there for 16 years and had seen the ups and downs...hills and valleys...of both the administration and staff and the students. From what he had told us, the campus and student body have improved drastically...and there is hope. It is a great blessing that the archdiocese did not close the school because the community in South Central LA looks to Verb with pride, at least those who do understand our mission. I also felt the love growing within me, so grateful for the legacy that the SVD's had passed on to us.

Then came Mrs. Mingo - our librarian - who I have always known to have a beautiful spirit. She told her story about coming to Verbum Dei and how much work she has done to make the library not only a resource for the students but a place of refuge and solace. In this age of modern technology, most teenagers do not appreciate reading books like they used to, so they may not tap into the wealth of knowledge found in the library, but the woman who runs it definitely offers to them the treasures she carries in her own heart.

"You all love the students - I can see it," she said. "When I watch you coming out of your offices and classrooms, I can tell how much love you have for them. And just imagine that if each of us has even just a teensy bit of love in our hearts for them, if you put us all together, that's a whole lot of love."

Wow. It was then that I took a good look at those faces, who work so hard and sacrifice so much for our guys...who walk on to the campus of that little high school in Watts and offer their time, their talent, and their lives no matter how difficult it might be on any given day. It was then that I said, yes...I want to stay.

Though it may not always seem like it, we are doing amazing things at Verbum Dei. Yes, it is harder to work there than it is at most other places, but the rewards are well-worth it. I can't see them yet, for I've only been there for two years...but I can trust in the words of Br. Rich, Mrs. Mingo and Nic. I can trust in their hope and their faith and their love for the school. And I can know that for this next year of my life, I will also ask God to help me to continue serving well and serving strong. I will go back into the classroom and give a piece of my father, my grandparents, of my own mentors to them. How rich I really am because I also have the chance to receive pieces of those who have contributed to the lives of the men and women surrounding me every day.

And when in doubt, it is always God's saving grace to remind us how much we are loved by Him. How He looks upon us and says, "You are my beloved children with whom I am well-pleased."

As I close this entry, I come back to the statement made by our IT guy John in our small group: "If we only realized how much we are truly loved by God, we would all be great saints."

Amen. =)

"Occupy your minds with good thoughts, or the enemy will fill them with bad ones. Unoccupied, they cannot be."
– St. Thomas More

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Pope says commitment of Lent is listening to Christ as Mary did

Vatican City, Mar. 13, 2006 (CNA) - During his weekly Angelus prayer on Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI told a group of thousands, gathered below his study window in St. Peter’s Square that Christians are not called to always live in glorious, mystical experiences, but rather, to humbly listen to the voice of Christ, just as the Blessed Virgin Mary did.

The Pope, who had just finished a week-long spiritual retreat, said that his recent days were spent “completely dedicated to listening to the Lord, Who always speaks to us, and who expects us to pay the greatest attention, especially in this period of Lent."

He went on to comment on Sunday’s Gospel reading, in which, the Transfiguration of Christ on Mount Tabor, is recorded in Mark. He said that "when we have the grace of undergoing a profound experience of God, it as if we experienced something similar to what happened to the disciples during the Transfiguration.”

“For a moment” he said, “we enjoy a foretaste of what will be the joy of heaven.”

He said that "these are usually brief experiences that God sometimes grants, especially prior to severe trials,” but also quickly pointed out that, “it is given to no one to live 'upon Tabor' while they are on this earth.”

“Human life is, in fact,” he said, “a journey of faith and, as such, progresses more in the shadows than in full light, and is not without moments of obscurity or even of complete blackness.”

“As long as we live in the world,” the Pope pointed out, “our relationship with God consists more in listening than in seeing; and even contemplation comes about, so to say, with eyes closed and thanks to the inner light lit within us by the Word of God."

Calling to mind the example of the Virgin Mary, Benedict recalled that, "advanced in her own pilgrimage of faith day after day," she meditated on the Word of God, both through the Scriptures and through events in the life of her Son "in which she recognized and accepted the mysterious voice of the Lord.”

He said that "This, then, is the commitment of each of us during Lent: to listen to Christ as Mary did.”

Specifically, he encouraged the faithful to “listen to Him in His Word, conserved in Holy Scripture…listen to it in the events of our own lives, seeking to read therein the messages of Providence,” and finally, “to listen to it in our brothers and sisters, especially in the smallest and the poorest, towards whom Jesus Himself calls for a concrete display of our love.”

The Holy Father concluded by saying that “Listening to Christ and obeying His voice…is the Way, the one Way that leads to the fullness of joy and of love."

A Sign...literally

"Love What You Do"...it had a rose next to it...off the 91 fwy coming back from Redondo Beach. How timely...

You have to pay attention to what God is trying to tell you through the people who are in your life. What might seem like a burden or an inconvenience may actually be an answer to a question you've had burning in your heart for some time. So it's really important to take the time to listen.

Every song has a story. In order to sing it well, you need to tell it from your heart...this story set to music. Do I have enough faith to share it with the world? Can I do it again? It looks like I'm headed in the right direction.

St. Anthony really does help you find things that are missing.

And last but not least, it's wonderful to be loved this much. I wouldn't trade it for all the riches in the world.

Now I know...

Bless the Broken Road
by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rollin home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God Blessed the Broken Road
That led me straight to you
That God Blessed the Broken Road
That led me straight to you

Honor

Life in Christ: Catechism #2158
God calls each one by name. Everyone's name is sacred. The name is the icon of the person. It demands respect as a sign of the dignity of the one who bears it.

If a little flower could speak

"It seems to me that if a little flower could speak, it would tell simply what God has done for it without trying to hide its blessings. It would not say, under the pretext of a false humility, it is not beautiful or without perfume, that the sun has taken away its splendor and the storm has broken its stem when it knows that all this is untrue."
- St. Therese, Story of a Soul

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Dear Jesus,
I pray for the grace to share the goodness You have given me in a way that considers the various paths walked by my family and friends. Sometimes I find myself afraid of offending others, but how can they take offense when Your message is presented to them with love? I do not speak for the sake of speaking but for the sake of souls...that they, too, will have the chance to know how wonderful You are.

Since I have been engaged, I have been asked many times how the planning has been going. I tell my friends that the events of the wedding continue to evolve, with God directing each detail. The honeymoon, however, it taken care of and nothing is left to be done.

As it is in my walk with You, Lord.

On our wedding day, Gary and I will leave the single life and devote our married life to each other and to You. In the moment when we make our vows, nothing else will matter but the spoken words of the covenant between us. God will have brought us to that point and cleared the path for which He has planned and for which we have chosen. The "How" in the getting there only having been orchestrated by His design.

And so I live also trusting that the day will come when He will call me from this place and bring me into union with Him. The Divine Will in place and each circumstance used to draw me closer to Him. Heaven will be waiting for me, as there is nothing more I can do but hope for it and look forward to finally being with my Creator - the Love that has poured Himself into everything and everyone I have ever cherished on this earth. At last, I will be complete.

Singing of Your mercies, as St. Therese does so unashamedly, I say, "Thank You" for blessing me so. Too few people in this world rejoice in the treasures they have received. I want to follow You and be that flower...the little one that silently gives You glory...the one that is looked upon with a smile as only those who are in tune and paying attention will stop to notice.

Yet even if no others can see me, You do. I will simply live my life reaching up to You, my Jesus - my Sun - and offer You my presence.

Amen.

"When virtue is present , we imitate it; when it is absent, we long for it; It is crowned in eternity for having triumphed in the blameless struggle." (Wisdom 4:2)

Take My Hand

by KRY
I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
wih a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

Chorus:
take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown

just like a child
holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

Hebrews 11

The Good Lord's Mercy

"I find myself at a period in my life when I can glance on the past; my soul has matured in the crucible of interior and exterior trials. And now like a flower strengthened by the storm, I can raise my head and see the words of Psalm 22 realized in me: 'The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want; he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. Even though I was through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for thou art with me...' To me the Lord has always been 'merciful and good, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love' (Ps 102:8)"
- St. Therese of Lisieux, Story of a Soul

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It is time that I read again, five years later, the words that once changed my life...for now, different passages call out to my soul. In 2001 I was able to appreciate St. Therese's deep desire for God's love. Today, I can relish in her trials and the lessons that had come out of them. The beauty of purification is insurmountable. We cannot expect to live like Christ and not suffer some hardship. No, I would not trade my crosses for someone else's...nor would I wish that their weight was lighter...for God has used every bit of pain to draw out the truth of who I am. This no longer is something I can shut my eyes and my heart to because to deny it is to deny the very Spirit who lives within me. As the Jews revere the only Wall left standing of their once glorious Temple, I must look to the remnants of my faith...of my own once-upon-a-time...and hold fast to what He has given me. All is not lost. It never has been.

A Plan and a Purpose

Why I Choose to Teach at a Catholic School

A paper mache crucifix made in Art class that has been a prop for many a retreat talk. An origami nun I have kept in my checkbook for four years. A Miraculous Medal I have worn around my neck since 2002. Rose petals found that have served as reminders to hope in the prayers we persistently offer up through the intercession of the Saints. Letters, notes, drawings, and cards placed in my hands to tell me that I am in the right place.

I teach at a Catholic school because these gifts are the fruit of lessons in Scripture, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and discussions centered on the universal call to holiness. Five years ago, I thought I ended up as a Catholic school teacher by chance. My students have proven that there is no such thing. God ordains every step and provides every opportunity to know Him, love Him, and serve Him in some of the most unexpected ways. So when I came to understand why these children needed me, I discovered what St. Teresa of Avila meant when she said that Christ has no hands on earth but ours. That is when I adopted Jesus as my Master Teacher.

Learning the ways of the Lord in His teaching ministry helped me go beyond textbook knowledge and bring the curriculum to life. Many of my students began to realize that their grades and test scores were not the ultimate end but the means to where they needed to go – that heaven was their goal and everything they did, no matter how seemingly insignificant, would lead them closer to it or farther away.

I will never forget a conversation I had with one of my boys, Nick, who could not get motivated enough to do his homework but would draw me pictures and write beautiful prayers about his deep love for God. He said he wanted to be an architect, so I reminded him that there was a reason for what was necessary to accomplish. This was important because one day, God might need him to build a beautiful church so others could pray and worship Him. Somehow, that clicked. Nick finally saw a glimpse of the big picture.

I found such joy in guiding young souls to the truth of who they really were as children of God – children who would grow into adults that made a difference in the world around them. It was most encouraging to know that the kids were going home and teaching their younger brothers and sisters how to pray the Rosary and leading the prayers when close relatives would pass away. Parents would approach me with light in their eyes and smiles on their faces, as their faith was also being renewed through the witness of their own young boys and girls.

This I can only attribute to the grace and mercy of God. I gave my “Yes” but He has done the rest. It has been my greatest privilege to share in the lives of my students and their families…to laugh with them and cry with them…to watch them grow and see them off in hopes that they will someday pass on what I gave them to those who need it the most.

Had I never been chosen by Him to feed His sheep, my heart would not be so full nor would my life be this rich. +AMDG+

- Ms. Marianne Soratorio

It All Starts with God

Re-reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

"...focusing on ourselves will never reveal our life's purpose."

"You could reach all your personal goals, becoming a raving success by the world's standard, and still miss the purposes for which God created you."

"You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many other parts of your life, but you don't get to choose your purpose."

Point to Ponder: It's not about me.

Verse to Remember: "Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him." (Col 1:16b)

Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

My response:
I think I would make a mess of my life if it was totally up to me. Hmm...let me make that a more positive statement. I think God truly saves me from A LOT. A lot of heartache, a lot of despair, a lot of bad situations that I could potentially make much worse. Though I believe that I've had my share of hardships, He is the reason why I still can open my heart to love people...why I get up in the morning to go to work...why I can watch the news and read about the world's horrific events with some glimmer of faith that somehow some good is coming out of it all.

As far as my purpose...I don't know that I fully understand that yet. Day One says that we should look to the Bible and ask God what our purpose is. The chapter ends with saying that I'm about to walk into the light. At various times in my life, I thought I knew. When I walked off the campus of St. Paul of the Cross and onto the grounds of Verbum Dei, I thought I knew. When I served at St. Pius, I thought I knew. When I shadowed the Carmelite life, I thought I knew. But it is only God - not me - who can see the Big Picture.

So what am I doing reading this book again?

I need to be reminded, especially now. Especially when I have days like I have had lately when I question what I'm doing here and I doubt that it makes much of a difference. I need to be consoled with the fact that I was placed in this world on purpose...with purpose...for somebody...or a Bigger Someone...to do something great.

But first I need to understand who it is what really loves me before I wholeheartedly can love Him back. My seeking His face is my act of worship. That's something I learned as I taught the Judaism unit for Freshman religion. For the Jews, studying the Torah was an act of worship to the Lord. They wanted to know His laws like the back of their hand, and so they spent hours upon hours poring over the scrolls of the revealed Word of God. For me, I will search for His presence until I find Him in my family, my friends, my students and coworkers. This searching is what I can offer to God. Recognizing Him in them is the least I can do because when He died, Jesus looked at me and only saw a treasure worth buying with His own blood.

Yes, this is not about me. It's all about you, Jesus.

Who she was

"The little flower transplanted to Mount Carmel was to expand under the shadow of the cross. The tears and blood of Jesus were to be her dew, and her Sun was His adorable Face veiled with tears... I understood what real glory was. He whose Kingdom is not of this world showed me that true wisdom consists in 'desiring to be unknown and counted as nothing.' "

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Thought for the day:
What once was will always be and never be the same again. But at least I have now...this moment spent in the presence of God who surrounds me with His love and fills me with the grace to go on.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." (Mt 11:28-30)

My Community

January 27, 2006 latimes.com : California

Steve Lopez:
Points West
War Zone Surrounds an Island of Hope

"Mr. Lopez,

I am a teacher at an all-boys Catholic high school, called Verbum Dei, in Watts. For the past two weeks, we have been operating and holding classes in a locked-down state…. There is a gang war being waged between the Nickerson Gardens Bounty Hunters and the Jordan Downs Grape Street Crips."

Only a few weeks ago, Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa held a celebratory news conference to announce a 10% drop in major crimes in 2005. But not everyone is feeling more secure these days.

When I heard from the Verbum Dei teacher, I was looking into an apparent gang-related killing that put the Atwater Village neighborhood on edge as the new year began. I attended a meeting in which police frankly admitted they've got limited resources, with as few as three patrol cars on the street at times in the entire Northeast Division.

Three patrol cars?

I was as shocked as some of the Atwater residents. And I was surprised to hear an officer tell people that if they see gang activity on their street, they should all go out and water the lawn to make it clear they're watching.

I don't mean to dismiss the value of active vigilance, but residents were looking for stronger ideas than a volunteer lawn-watering brigade. Two gents from L.A. Bridges, the gang intervention outfit, had what sounded like a better suggestion than group irrigation. If you see gang activity, they said, call them. They'll gladly go confront the bangers and try to talk them out of gangs and into jobs.

The trouble in Atwater is disturbing enough. But the situation in Watts is crazy.

Since right around Christmas, the neighborhood around Verbum Dei has been a war zone, with bullets flying night and day.

Southeast Division Lt. Anne Clark counts 19 shootings and five slayings.

What got it started?

"You just don't know what sets it off," Clark said. "Somebody got into it with someone else and then the shootings started. And the killing."

Clark said police have swarmed the problem, making 39 arrests since Christmas. It's been quieter for the last several days, Clark said, and she's hoping the worst of it — of the latest outburst, at least — is done for now.

So do the students and faculty at Verbum Dei High School.

When I got there Wednesday the big iron gates on Central Avenue were locked, giving the school the appearance of a prison. There's no gang problem among students, and there haven't been any shootings in the surrounding area during school hours, but Verbum Dei is taking no chances.

Father John Weling, the school president, and Principal Susan Abelein told me the playing fields out back, which border the Nickerson projects, are temporarily off-limits to students. The soccer team had been forced to practice in the gym, but now it's being shuttled to Loyola Marymount University for practices and games.

Classroom doors are kept locked while the 305 students are in class, and parents have to drop students off and pick them up in the back lot. Extra security has been hired, and police patrols have picked up. The whole time I was on campus, a helicopter circled above, keeping an eye on the unsettled neighborhood.

Perhaps even more disturbing, some students didn't seem to be all that rattled by the recent crime wave.

"When you're living in L.A.," said senior Darren Acker, who's hoping to go to Loyola next year, it's a part of life. "You're never promised a single day. You go out the door protecting yourself."

Jonathan Phillips, a sophomore, lives in Inglewood. But he lived in the Verbum Dei neighborhood until a year ago, and recalls being asked more than once a simple question that can send a chill down a teenager's spine, because it's often followed up with gunfire.

"Where you from?"

Phillips said this was his answer:

"I don't bang. I'm a child of God. I play basketball."

For some kids, the Verbum Dei insignia on a sweater or jacket is more than a badge of honor.

"The uniform helps us a lot," said senior Joshua Miles, referring to the slacks, dress shirt and necktie students are required to wear. If you're cracking the books at a school where more than 90% of the students — half black, half Latino — go on to college, it signals to gang members that you're definitely not interested in their business.

"Verbum Dei was my gang, the most worshipped place in Watts," said counselor DeAnthony Langston, a child of the neighborhood.

He grew up at Nickerson Gardens, graduated from Verbum in 1984 and thinks the school saved his life. Many of his boyhood pals are either dead or in prison, and this latest rash of trouble breaks his heart.

"These are the kids who are really afraid," he said when we looked through a chain-link fence and into the play yard at the 112th Street Elementary School next door, where the youngsters were at recess. "Their relatives are the ones doing the killing. They say, 'Mr. Langston, I don't want to go home. I don't want to get killed.' "

The story never ends. Decade after decade, we talk about crime and gangs and neighborhoods filled with people living in fear. We ask how it can happen in so rich and resourceful a country, even though we know the answers.

Economic and educational apartheid, lack of investment, glorification of all the wrong values.

If you make it, as Langston did, you beat huge odds.

And what was his secret?

"My mom didn't mess around," he said. She expected a lot and she didn't let up, so he went to college, played pro basketball in Japan, learned another culture and language, and came home to give something back.

Now here he is, speaking over the chop of the circling helicopter. He's telling me about the plan to put a gate in the fence so student tutors from Verbum Dei can walk through and tell the primary schoolers to be smart, stay focused and try to make it through to the other side.

The Mission of the Apostles

Dedicated to my sister Roselynn and my BiL Mike...

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

Everyone needs the length of life's journey so that, aided by grace, he can grasp all the truth and beauty that was given to him in the beginning.

The desire that others meet Christ is authentic in the degree that it is accompanied bu a profound respect for their situation. It is not up to us to save the world: God saves; at best we are His instruments. He chooses the time and place in which to communicate Himself to each man; we are called to accept them. "Mission" means to generate something new within a reality which already exists...

Mission consists in recalling people's hearts from inside their situation to something that is happening among them just as it happened among us. Patience is required, the slow participation in man's deepest being. But participation is not only accepting. If we did not have something new to bring to others, we would be absorbed by them and would end up not sharing anything with them. We must be aware of the inestimable value of what we have received: we have met the One who is the answer to our deepest longings. The more this experience is alive in us, the more others will be able to perceive its newness on their own...

Courage consists in being dominated only by love, and one who loves is patient, because everything that he needs is already present in the moment in which he is living. We are sent to everyone - or rather - to each person. Every man has a heart for knowing and loving Christ. He has a name, a vocation: he is a specific and irreplaceable tile within the great mosaic that God is building in history. This awareness fills us with patience and with mercy, and makes our adventure exciting and inexhaustible.

- Monsignor Massimo Camisaca

Onward Christian soldier

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

"Casting Out Devils"

I am writing to you in the precious blood of God's Son. I long to see you so strong and filled to overflowing with that Holy Spirit who came upon the holy disciples that God's gentle word will be able to grow and bear fruit in you and in your neighbors as well. After the fire of the Holy Spirit had descended on them they mounted the pulpit of the blazing cross, where they felt and tasted the hunger of God's Son, his love for mankind. Then their words came forth as does a red-hot knife from a furnace, and with its heat they pierced their listeners to the heart and cast out the devils. Since they had lost themselves, the saw not themselves but only God's glory and honor and our salvation.

So my dearest son, I beg you - it is my will in Christ Jesus - make your home in the pulpit of the cross. There be engulfed, lose yourself completely, with insatiable desire. Draw the red-hot knife and strike the devils, seen and unseen, who want to continually disturb your conscience by nipping people's fruit in the bud. Don't give in to this wicked devil - especially now, when it is time for harvesting and sowing. Tell the devil to deal with me instead of with you! Forward then, courageously.

- St. Catherine of Siena

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Please don't forget that you were made in the image and likeness of God. Fallen, yes. Weak, yes. Made to roam the earth aimlessly without a purpose, no. We all have limitations inherent to our human nature, but our faith gives us a means of transcending our mortal situation to go beyond that which threatens to keep us down. Even death has no hold on us because Jesus himself conquered it in his Resurrection.

We are not and never "only human", so may we not make the mistake of downplaying our role in God's plan of salvation. Everything we do does matter in the building up or tearing down of the Kingdom here on earth. Jesus died once and for all, but he depends on us to bring him to others...to shine his light...to have faith that the Gospel bears in the truth and life.

There is not one man or woman on this planet who does not belong in heaven. The sad thing is that not everyone wants to be there. Some would rather not leave the world because they are so attached to it. Others are not told the whole story and do not really understand the greatness that awaits them as children of God. All we can do is try...reach out...live by example...and most of all, pray.

I believe that one by one, more and more Christians will understand who they really are as warriors commissioned by heaven to fight for souls. It's a serious responsibility that comes with a lot of grace to fulfill it, especially when you find yourself extremely exhausted from the battle.

As I've said in the past - GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION.

There is always hope. As long as people pray...as long as they know the goodness of God...as long as they are willing to make sacrifices and persevere for the sake of souls, there is hope. It's going to be okay.

I have chosen to believe in miracles again...big ones, small ones, and everything inbetween.

So, Lord, I'm praying, asking for one because miracles of healing are not limited to the body but are extended to the heart and soul as well.

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Weathered
by Creed
Dedicated to the ones who know this struggle well...

I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No I can't accept the life that's mine

Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading life with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Maybe that's why I feel alone

Me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Sometimes I feel like giving up

Me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

The day reminds me of you
The night hides your truth
The earth is a voice
Speaking to you
Take all this pride
And leave it behind
Because one day it ends
One day we die
Believe what you will
That is your right
But I choose to fight
So I choose to fight
To fight



"May grace, mercy, and peace be with us from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen."

The Courage to be a Saint

...is to unite yourself to the sufferings of Christ, knowing how very weak you are and remembering how very strong He is for you.

A saint's heart loves God, making Him the center of everything he does. Even when his soul is plagued by his past, he invites God into the darkest corners of his life and trusts in God's unending mercy.

No, it isn't easy to be a saint because you have to accept yourself for who you really are...in all your glory as His creation and in all your imperfect humanity.

When a saint believes that she also is loved by God, she can find her smile in His greatest blessings and in her heaviest crosses. She gives to her God her best, offering what little she has so that her life becomes His smile.

There is much in this world to discourage you on this journey, but there is more in heaven to encourage you along the way.

The difference between an ordinary person and a saint is that an ordinary person falls and stays on the ground. A saint falls and each time reaches up for the hand of Christ, as Peter cried out from the raging ocean, "Lord, save me!"

The ultimate failure in a saint's life is to never reach his destination...to never be in the presence of her God...to never experience the joy that awaits for all eternity.

Always strive, always persevere, always love...for love endures all things.

Amen.

"I have told you this, so that in me you may have peace. You will have trouble; but, courage! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
love,
Jesus

No idea

Butterball is snoring...how cute.

DECEMBER 23RD - the big day. Come to think of it, we have a lot of those days...days that played an especially important role in our coming together...days that, had they never happened, would remain devoid of the memories we shared with each other.

Last year, he made it my day. He didn't have to go to the trouble to put it all together. We were just friends and I was planning on keeping it that way. But my ways are not God's ways and God had a different agenda that Gary somehow got clued in to.

I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I had a catch-up dinner with Leo a few days before, telling him that this guy Gary was taking me to see Les Mis. Leo wouldn't leave me alone about it, at least for that night. He made me promise him that I'd call to tell him how it went. I rolled my eyes and said we were just hanging out. "He so likes you...hello, I wouldn't take just anyone to see Les Mis!" Those were his exact words. Yes, that's why Leo was always excited to watch this relationship progress...why? Because he was right.

And the rest is history.

Over the past week or two, I've been struggling with a lot of things. Something very unexpected came up that made me question the last three years of my life and some of the decisions I've made because of the path that was set for me. It honestly had an almost Twighlight Zone-ish tone for me because I started having vivid flashbacks that brought the past back into the present.

God had hit reverse playback and made me watch everything backwards, bringing me back to the sword in my heart and the 5-day Rivendell experience that led me into discernment then the disheartening lupus diagnosis the following February. For brief moments, I felt the joy and the heartbreak...the anguish and disappointment along with the hope that I would grow because of it all. I remember wishing - er, praying - that I could erase it all and start over as if none of it ever happened.

In some strange way, there may be a possibility that God might be granting my request.

But I have to wait.

I have to wait for His will to unfold...a very mysterious outcome resulting from a desperate cry made on the other side of the world in many a Polish cathedral.

I'll never forget the journey, but its effects...perhaps gone...at least the broken pieces, swept up and made whole again. How often have I spoken of the need for healing...I just wanted to meet the "someday" when I would be okay...when my smile would return...when my faith would break through once again.

Thoughts and emotions have been whirling around inside of me...slowly coming back to the desire for holiness for the sake of those around me who need a light to follow. Almost felt like I was going crazy, so I sought refuge as I did years ago. I'm returning to Rivendell.

I need to pray. I need to remember. Maybe I do need to feel it all again, for so much is attached to that place. I have brought those I loved most to visit with me, and they too have their memories of brown habits and the serenity of Carmel.

This time, I will not go telling Jesus of my own will. I will listen to what He has in store for me.

But before I go, I will spend this day - our day - with the man I have grown to love, who has been sent into my life as an answer to prayers offered up by those who loved me most...the one who will help me carry my cross and share the blessing that it truly is, whether it be one of illness or one of uncompromising faith.

My vision...it is still foggy but the rays of light are beginning to shine through. In time, in HIS time.

Jesus, I trust in You.

+AMDG+

For a moment

Life just happens as it's supposed to. Sometimes you make good choices, sometimes you don't. People come and go, and you come and go in and out of people's lives. You win some, you lose some...but at least you learn something.

I think the objective is to get to the point where you're grateful for it all...for what you had, what you have now, and what you will have in the future. There's no one else in this world who has the opportunity to live the life that you do.

Even if your life doesn't seem all that great, you still have more blessings than many others out there. Just walk down Skid Row...even for just a couple of blocks...and you'll see what I mean.

That's what I did yesterday...and it really hit home.

You can't save everyone, but for a moment you can be the sunshine in their day. I watched Mark Anthony, Hernan, David, and Eloy subject themselves to having wet sponges thrown at their faces just so the little ones could have a good time...Anthony carrying a tiny two-year-old up to the basket so he could make a slam dunk at the hoops booth...Joshua walking kids around on ponies around Gladys Park...the crew going out into the streets to give the homeless some water and clothing.

Like John said, that was a reality check for us. I was so proud of the 25 guys who worked hard to bring a little Verb sunshine to the Christmas Festival down there on E. 6th St. in Downtown. Little do they know how much they help me face the world with courage. They help me open my heart up to those who I would never ordinarily talk to. They challenge me and make me laugh, and they go out of their way to take care of me, too.

I call them my kids...but they're Yours first, Father God. Thank you for sending them into my life to teach me what faith, hope and love really is.

"Spiritual constipation"

...as the term has been coined by a friend of mine who will admit to the world that he is weird...yet by this very term which I once laughed at has described exactly when I am feeling right at this very moment.

I started to write a really long random blog that was making absolutely no sense, and I deleted it after I came to the conclusion that it read like God needed to shoot some Imodium in my system because it splattered all over the place.

Inappropriate visual graphic, I know. I'm sorry...

But you know what? It just hit me that I'm not ever going to be a cookie-cutter saint. I'm here struggling along with everyone else, making mistakes...learning from them...getting down on myself because my life isn't easy but realizing that life isn't easy for anyone.

People who look like they have it all together just know how to hide their insecurities really well.

Raising my hand...yes, that was me...until a few years ago.

A detailed run-through of my recent past isn't necessary for you to understand that I now know I'm not who people thought I was or wanted me to be. I've had my own share of hurts, but I will tell you that I've also been a cause of pain...a contributor to frustration and misunderstanding...someone who was blind to the fact that my actions unintentionally damaged the trust, hope, and faith that others had in me, in themselves, and in God.

With this awareness, I've learned that you can look at the world in one of two extremes:
1) holding unrealistic expectations - being constantly disappointed that people are not reaching the standards you set for them...unforgiving of their faults because they should know better...never appreciating the journey that they need to take in order to learn the lessons God has in store for them
2) making "we're only human" excuses for everything we do - without any accountability to help the other strive for heaven...forgetting that this is not our home...living for this life alone and not once stopping to reflect on the guidance God offers us through Scripture and through the good and holy people who have overcome their own temptations and continue to fight the good fight.

I guess the important thing here is that I'm learning. I don't have a profound commentary on the points listed above, but I'm beginning to understand that there needs to be a certain degree of balance in the Christian life. Jesus did mention the long and narrow road, but He never mentioned anything about a tightrope. Yet, it's true...we must recognize how important this balance is...finding the midpoint between the two extremes that is compassion, patience, acceptance, and love.

Let's stop here for the night. I don't think I have anything else to say. There is still much, but I have to wait on God for the words...so we'll see. I'm getting a little delirious being up at this hour...

+AMDG+

Back home

Great KAIROS VI retreat...some challenges, but as Gary says, without struggle, there is no progress. I would have never seen the strength rise up out of my guys if they were not tested. I would have never known how awesome my team if we never stared discouragement in the face.

Johnny Simmons is my hero.

I thank you, Lord, for this experience. The same but different than last year. Thank you for James, Johnny, Darren, and Marius...for Fr. Kevin, Fr. Jim, Cristina, Maggie, Frank and Dwayne. They pulled through when I needed them to, and I can look back knowing that it was all worth it.

I'll never know how much it really made a difference in the lives of the guys who went. I'll never see the hidden blessings that you gave us during those three days. But I can say that I am so grateful for the grace you gave us to get through it.

I work in a community that people are afraid to even drive by. I serve a student population that society stereotypes as lazy, unsuccessful, and maybe even dangerous. But when I walk on the campus of Verbum Dei High School, I see hope...perseverance...determination...and love. There are those few who will take a little bit longer than others to get it, but as I was told, you just can't give up because most everyone there really do work for good...good in each other...good in the world...good in themselves.

It felt like I was gone forever.

When I got back, everything was the same. But something inside of me changed.

KAIROS - God's time. He has his way of slowing things down so that we can really soak in what He wants to teach us. And we definitely learned a lot more than we expected to.

That's just the way life goes.

Praising God always...

Mean people

...are just not nice.

It's easier to talk behind the back, I know. But, man, the drama.

Like I was telling my friend tonight, I just keep praying and pushing through. What else is there to do?

If anyone is reading this and trying to figure out what I'm talking about, it isn't regarding any one particular situation. This actually pertains to life in general.

I listen. That's all I really do. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I feel sad. Other times I don't really have a reaction. That's when I realize that I can only offer my presence.

Lots of wasted energy going around. That's how I see it. I waste energy, too.

So instead of reacting negatively or continuing to complain about a somebody or a something, I try to remember to give it to Jesus and leave it with Him...not thinking about it a whole lot from that point on because the world is still turning while life is just passing me by.

My heart hurts. Literally.

When things happen that you really have no control over and people do things that you really can't change, it's useless to make it your own problem. That's where stress comes from...the kind of stress that takes its toll on your body, your mind and your spirit.

He said...she said...they said...I think...we should...maybe come back to what's really important.

Whenever we forget what matters most in life, it's so easy to get caught up. It's easy to criticize. It's easy to fight. It's easy to take each other for granted and do nothing to find a solution.

And it's easier than anything else to tell yourself not to care.

APATHY KILLS RELATIONSHIPS. It eats away at the core of who we are as human beings...and after a while the life slowly seeps out of us, our hearts grow very cold, and we're dead.

Walking zombies on automatic pilot conditioned to do nothing for anyone else but ourselves. I don't know if this is making sense to you but it makes a whole lot of sense to me and to tell you the truth, it's a bit frightening.

Gotta watch out for myself, we say.

Of course we do...but why is it now like second nature to shut people out? What ever happened to unconditional?

I don't know, Lord. I really don't know.

Why all the pain? Where is it all coming from? I want to know. I want to know what has made us this ill.

Sickness by definition is an infraction on one's health. Brokenheartedness is a sickness to me. People die from it. Just visit your local nursing home for proof.

If we don't learn to love again, we will live very lonely lives. You can give us all the friends in the world and bless us with many, many children...but without love, it all means absolutely nothing.

That's why You introduced me to him. You were going to use him to teach me.

It's never too late. As long as we're here, we can always be better and try harder. We know a lot...but unapplied knowledge has no real value. You can't get into heaven based on what you know. Your key in is how much you loved.

Begging for the grace........

He's waiting for us, too

We've been talking about waiting on the Lord...waiting for the Lord...getting ready for His coming.

But wait...

He's waiting for us, too!

Jesus is waiting for us to hear His call...to answer the door of our hearts...to let Him truly be the King of our lives and the Savior of our souls.

It's time. It's time to step up and do something for Him.

Even I think to myself, "What do you mean, 'Do something for Him'? Haven't I been serving Him all this time?"

Well, okay...like I was telling Rob tonight, I try to remember that I'm doing God's work...especially because I work at a Catholic school and my official title has a lot to do with spiritual formation.

But the Lord is asking me to give more of myself. I do the work...sure, I share my experiences...but what's lacking is that agape love in what I do and in how I share...the kind of love that is self-sacrificing...the kind that doesn't expect anything in return...the love that does not fear hurt or rejection or ridicule.

So, yes, I serve...but only to a certain point. When I get to that point, I'm afraid.

I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of feeling so down and discouraged. Sometimes I feel like I've been waiting for someone to come along and pull me out of my rut. Gary has actually done a very good job of helping me through, as other friends have in the brief conversations we've shared.

But he or anyone else can't be my everything.

Unfortunately (but maybe it's not so unfortunate), there probably won't be a someone who will come along and "fix" everything...someone who will bring back that hopeful idealism we once had...the saint that walks through the door and comes out of nowhere to save us all (or was it Archie tonight at prayer meeting...hmmm, God's timing? hehe).

God is making us realize our brokenness and our need for purification because He wants to be that Someone for us. He is the one - through His Word (like the 2nd Reading for this Sunday says) - telling us that we need to be spotless...we need to be ready...we need to anticipate His coming with eagerness. We need to look at every single aspect of our lives and examine whether it is pleasing to Him - or - only pleasing to ourselves...whether is strengthens and encourages the faith of other people around us - or - weakens and discourages those who are under our influence.

I understood this years ago...but something happened...and I could no longer hold on to the faith I used to have. I never said it wasn't worth it, but over time that's what I ended up believing. Being a real Christian was not a walk in the park. I think I had expected it to be. Maybe a part of me hoped that once I gave my life to Christ, I'd be almost superhuman...where nothing would hurt me, nothing would scare me, nothing would tempt me so strongly that I wouldn't fall back - or "backslide" as they say.

The fact of the matter is that, Jesus doesn't only want us to enter into His divine life as God - doing as He did to proclaim the Kingdom, leading people out of sin and into salvation, even praying for miracles in His name and seeing them happen before our eyes. He also calls us to enter into his very humanity - his joy, his sorrow, his pain and persecution, his love, his friendship, his sacrifice.

It's all about both the "His" and the "his"...the big H being everything of the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity...the little h being just like one of us...yet always humble, obedient, faithful to the end.

Will we let Christ transform our lives and restore us?

Dare I ever say that I don't need transforming and restoration, someone please knock me upside the head.

There are things I need to change, attitudes I need to get rid of, and fears I need to overcome...but I can't do it without Him.

Why am I confessing my weakness as a leader in both my school and church communities? Because I'm not going to pretend to be perfect. I can't live on a pedestal.

At the same time, however, I have come to understand that certain people God brings into my life need something from me and that I am expected by Him to be not just an example but
His very hands and feet and heart in the world.

So when I die, I hope people will not remember any of the great things I accomplished. I pray, rather, that they will remember the encounters and conversations we had and say that they met Jesus.

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"Reflecting immediately after Communion with the Lord God is to me a most sacred moment. When I am in this sacred presence, sometimes my desire for special friends is that they be lifted free from their troubles and inertia of faith. When this desire happened recently, the powerful and challenging word came to me, as an inner voice. It said to me, 'Bring them to the Eucharist.' Now this left me wondering all the more, 'And how am I to do that?' "

- Fr. Roch A. Coogan, OFM from 201 Inspirational Stories of the Eucharist

Line of the Day

Robby (sitting at the table waiting a very long time for our Starbucks drinks): "We must be on a show or something."

hahahahaha =)...that's just too funny!

Good times with the family yesterday...actually this whole 4-day weekend has been great! I didn't bother with a schedule because I figured I deserved some kind of do-nothing vacation. Got to attempt a few new recipes, and if I practice more, I might someday be good at it. My mom pulled out some of her cookbooks for us to look through, and I've found my favorite one...Betty Crocker's New Cookbook: Everything You Need to Know to Cook (because I don't know a whole lot!).

So yes, Thanksgiving was really nice...went to Mass with my mom in the morning and hit the kitchen for the rest of the morning until everyone started coming over. In years past, it had always been my dad playing Master Chef of the family. This year we were a little worried that a few dishes wouldn't come out right but everything turned out okay. Gary even brought over his homemade lasagna, as requested by the family...always impressive because it just takes a lot of patience to prepare and it tastes soooo delicioso! The gathering was small - just our immediate family, Robby, Mike, Gary and Nelden (his brother from SF) - but it was good to be together.

I slept for most of the day on Friday, hoping to get to the 2nd round CIF playoff game but decided against it because I was very tired. It's okay, I really needed the rest.

Yesterday, Em came over in the morning while I was cooking breakfast. She and Lyn-Lyn plugged in the Magic Mic and sang their hearts out like old times. I remember when she first got it - I would wake up every Saturday morning for the longest time to the sound of Emeline's voice. Ahhh, memories...

After serving them eggs w/keilbasa sausage, I decided to go back and try the recipe I skipped on Thanksgiving...Chicken-Fried Portobello Mushroom w/Mashed Potatoes and Gravy...yummy. That turned out pretty good, and we were all super-full when we were done. Mike came over, and we sat around talking for a while until Em decided that we should all take a fied trip to the new Target across from SPV and have Starbucks after shopping. Hence the "Line of the Day" above.

Word of advice: If you want coffee, it's probably best to drive to an actual Starbucks rather than one that is very much understaffed.

Nonetheless, Rob entertained us with Leilani's newly bought Dark Black Chandler, and like Mike said, we had nothing else to do anyway.

I really love hanging out with my sisters and BiL's, and of course Leilani, too. They're GREAT (and quite funny, I might add)!!!

We put up the tree and decorated it after they were done watching Hitch, then ate some more. I thought it was cute that my mom and Robby were humming Christmas songs. I had to leave to meet Jennifer for Mass at Holy Family, but as I was driving away from my house, I was so grateful for my familia.

First Sunday of Advent. Fr. Anthony spoke of preparing our hearts. That convicted me but I didn't give it much thought after that until now. We need to prepare our hearts to both give love more freely and to receive the love God and other people want to give to us. Make room so that when Jesus, Mary and Joseph come knocking, we will not turn them away because our hearts are overcrowded with worldly attachments, resentments, unforgiveness, and sin. That will be my Advent prayer...

Dinner afterwards was "mmm, mmm, soooo good" at Sushi Studio w/Jennifer. It's probably been a couple of years since we really hung out. Much needed, I think, for both of us. Even though I've kind of struggled somewhat with staying in a community, I'm so glad to know that when it comes down to it, we are still here for each other and that there is good reason that certain people are still in my life.

Today I shall pick up my wedding dress.

I must say, I really miss my fiance right now.

A little over 7 months to go!

Simple

I spent the evening with Leilani while her mom was at work yesterday. She entertained me by doing the Cabbage Patch as I was eating and watching TV with my mom. I thought it was hilarious.

When I went upstairs she followed me into my room and asked if I would teach her more about Jesus in the book we were reading a couple of days ago (the Passion of the Christ). She started getting sleepy but she insisted on finishing the whole book. At the picture of Jesus and Barabbas, I told her that Barabbas did bad things and was a criminal. Then I asked, "Did Jesus do anything bad?" and she said, "No, Jesus always followed His heart."

When we were done, she still wanted to learn more, so we talked about all the things you can find in the church and what we do at church.

At some point the topic of me buying her an angel blanket came up, and I told her that we should learn how to give to people who don't have a whole lot since we have many blankets already.

Her response was, "We can call it 'One Person at a Time Store'."

Talk about inspiration.

Later she said that God told her to pray for the people that died...so that's who she prays for all the time. We did our night-time prayers and fell asleep on my bed under my fuzzy blanket.

This is what I live for. =)

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

Don't look back

Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back at the burning city of Sodom. (Genesis 18:26)

No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the reign of God. (Luke 9:62)

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

Let it go.

God's mercy has allowed me a new life and I cannot desire to go back to what I left.

Each time I walked into the confessional and reconciled with God, He erased sins of my past that threatened to plague me for the rest of my life. The day that I decided I wanted to give Jesus my heart and change my life, I chose a different way of being...a different way of speaking, of acting, of loving.

I looked at the cross and I said I would follow. I said I would want to be there...right there with Him.

Why?

Because I knew that it didn't end on Calvary.

If I only think about the suffering, I can't possibly want that for the sake of suffering alone. But if I think about my Lord and the heartache He experienced when his friends abandoned Him...if I think about the victory that came three days later after all the despair, it makes the suffering worth it.

It all comes back to one word.

HOPE.

We hope for things to get better. We hope that we won't make the same mistakes again. We hope that when temptations and trials do come in the future, we'll be able to face them with more wisdom and courage than we did in the past.

To hope is to persevere...to NOT GIVE UP...to have faith that God is there with us so much more than we are ever aware of Him...and ever-present not just for us but for everyone that we pray for, for everyone that He ever loved into creation.

So I release all my regrets...all of the guilt that has weighed me down...all of the pain that has imprisoned me.

I've learned from it all.

But I no longer need to look back. What's done is done. That's not me anymore.

Please God that my eyes will be set on the horizon, but may my feet be firmly planted when I stop to appreciate everything that I have today.

Remember the story - from beginning to end. And then realize that it isn't over yet...

Dude, I'm tired but I feel great!

Hi, folks...

Just finished the Winter Sports Retreat with the Soccer Team. The Basketball Team didn't end up showing, but it actually ended up to be a great day. Those soccer players are some pretty funny guys. They're very mellow yet quite playful and highly cooperative, I must say.

I was talking to Lupe about maybe having individual team retreats instead of grouping them by season, just so the group stays at a manageable size. Then he, as everyone else does, warned me not to overwork myself because that would more than double the number of Sports retreats during the year. You know what, though? This was the easiest and funnest (is that a word?) retreat I've ever done. If they were only 3 hours long (I guess it would be more of a mini-retreat), then it wouldn't be so bad.

Even though I'm not an athlete, I'm really growing in appreciation for the discipline of sports and what it does for the players. It helps that my fiance is a "sports guy" - an athletic trainer by profession and a past high school football player - and that my students share that part of their lives with me by wanting me to go to their games. Yes, if I don't end up having my own children, I'll have many kids to help "raise" here at Verb or anywhere else I may end up in the future.

This is a beautiful place. As I was hiding walnuts around campus for their "Squirrel" game, I was just loving the moment of being here. Sure it's hard sometimes, and the stress can come close to unbearable every so often, but how bountiful are the rewards when my boys succeed...when they come and say hi after they've graduated...when they ask me to pray for them because they want to try to be better people.

You can't pay me enough to make me want to do something else.

******************************

For anyone who wants to learn scheduling and task prioritization techniques, please let me know and I'll teach you over coffee (yes, Dorothy, that's you!). I wanted to blog it all out but it's SO much better in person.

Just bring your Day Planner and calendar and I'll bring mine!

It's really worth learning because then you'll actually have time to do things you want to do. Granted that you'll have to sacrifice some things for others at times, you're still able to look at your days overall and balance time with everyone important to you while still finding the opportunity to get things done.

You just can't put too much pressure on yourself and expect that more hours in your day will magically appear. It's all just a matter of being at peace with what you choose to devote your time to.

Like right now, I'm choosing to blog even if I didn't schedule it because I feel the need to appreciate my day today through this entry. I wanted to get some work done this afternoon but my body is telling me to go home and take a nap. I can just do some rearranging since I'm coming back to work tomorrow for Open House. Grading papers is not fun when your eyes can't stay open.

So I'm going home now.

Thank you, Lord, for today. You're AWESOME. You really are.

In the morning when I wake,
And my feet can find the floor,
I stumble down the hall,
And I open up the door,
Then I look into the mirror,
Just like I know you do.
Stopping for a moment,
I can feel my mind go through,
The bound’ries of time,
Back to a heart without his Love inside.
I was more than just alone;
I was dying on my own,
Thinking that nothing was ever gonna
Save my life.
Look what has happened to me,
I find it hard to believe.
His love has taken my life
This far, so far....Looking what has happened to me,
My mind can hardly conceive
What I’m beginning to be,
Look what, look what....
When you stop and think it over,
Do you think you’re doing well?
Are you getting stronger?
Can you really tell?
If you’re truthful with your feelings,
Then you see there’s room to grow,
Though you may have found the answer,
There is so much more to know....
More to this life.
You can never stop growing, or you’ll
Start to die.
I can not survive alone.
I am nothing on my own.
But seeing’s believing, and if you
Need to see,
Look at me.
Ahhhh....Look what has happened to me,
I find it hard to believe.
His love has taken my life
This far, so far....
Look what has happened to me,
My mind can hardly conceive.
Look what has happened,
Look what, look what....
Look what has happened to me,
I find it hard to believe.
His love has taken my life
This far, so far....
Look what has happened to me,
My mind can hardly conceive
What I’m beginning to be,
Look what, look what....
Look what has happened to me,
(look what has happened to me,)
I find it hard to believe.
His love has taken my life
This far, so far....
Look what has happened to me,
My mind can hardly conceive
What I’m beginning to be,
Look what, look what....

Hey, who turned out the lights?

On...off..back on.

I feel like a light switch. Every once in a while something happens...it gets dark and I don't know where I'm going. I try to remember where things are but I seem to forget and find myself stumbling around trying to find my way.

Someone flipped the switch. I can see again. Thank God.

Life is hard...but we don't tell little kids that when they grow up they will get their hearts broken, they will face disappointments, and people won't want to be their friends. We don't tell them that they will probably have at least one job they don't like...that they will lose family members and loved ones...that they will struggle and face days when they will want to give up...we don't tell them they will get sick and someday die.

We look at children and we appreciate them because they are able to enjoy their days, and we do everything we can to protect them and educate them so that they are able to face the challenges that come their way as smoothly as possible. Of course we don't paint a picture of life that deludes them into thinking that it's perfect, but we try to encourage...not discourage. Why? Because the very situations they will face will already threaten their self-confidence and even their faith.

I speak of the above because it pertains to a few major areas of my life, most especially my career and my relationship with my fiance and with my God.

I was told not to get a Master's in Theology because the job outlook wasn't great. Society says that 60% of marriages will end in divorce. The path to Heaven is long and narrow and very few people enter into the gates of Heaven.

As they say, statistics work against me.

But I don't want statistics to dictate my life and direct my path. That's God's job. Just because other people are doing other things - working other jobs, making other choices in their relationships and walking other paths - doesn't mean that I should devalue what I do or who I am.

There is a road I've been set on, with many twist and turns and forks to choose. There is a job I was given and a time of training necessary in order to do well so that people who were lost could have a light to follow. There is a man I happened to meet along the way who would be my companion...one who would help me persevere through the rough terrain and enjoy the beauty along the way. There is a God who would guide us both...who would lead and encourage...who would inspire and strengthen...who would see us to the very end.

And no, I'm not doing any of it out of obligation or because I have no where else to go. I'm making a choice to be here because I want to be.

When I look at the teenagers who I am choosing to serve - I see how they need my knowledge and understanding...and I see how I need their reality to teach me something about the world.

When I look at the man I am choosing to marry - I see how he needs my support and acceptance...and I see how I need the love that he has to give so that I can simply learn to receive God's blessing for me.

When I look at my Jesus on the cross who I am choosing to follow - I see how He needs me to bring His presence to others through my life...and I see how I need everything that He has ever been for everyone who came before me, knowing that my work and my love will not be in vain because it is His work that I do and His love that I give.

I'm sorry...I'm sorry it took me so long to see it, Lord, and I beg for your grace to keep my eyes open.

THE REFLECTION OF ETERNAL LIGHT
"I have come to know everything we see and everything hidden, because Wisdom, who designed them all, taught me.

In her is a spirit that is intelligent, saintly, unique, manifold, subtle, active, concise, pure and lucid. It cannot corrupt, loves what is good and nothing can restrain it; it is beneficent, loving humankind, steadfast, dependable, calm though almighty. It sees everything and penetrates all spirits, however intelligent, subtle and pure they may be.

Wisdom, in fact, surpasses in mobility all that moves, and being so pure pervades and permeates all things.

She is a breath of the power of God, a pure emanation of the glory of the Almighty; nothing impure can enter her. She is a reflection of eternal light, a spotless mirror of God's action and an image of His goodness.

She is but one, yet Wisdom can do all things and, herself unchanging, she renews all things. She enters holy souls, making them prophets and friends of God, for God loves only those who live with Wisdom.

She is indeed more beautiful than the sun and surpasses all the constellations; she outrivals light, for light gives way to night, but evil cannot prevail against Wisdom." (Wisdom 7:21-29)

Mary, Seat of Wisdom, please pray for us.

Look forward to the Lord's coming

"Be patient, then, beloved, until the coming of the Lord. See how the sower waits for the precious fruits of the earth, looking forward patiently to the autumn and spring rains. You also be patient and do not lose heart, because the Lord's coming is near.

Beloved, do not fight among yourselves and you will not be judged. See, the judge is already at the door. Take for yourselves, as an example of patience, the suffering of the prophets who spoke in the Lord's name. See how those who were patient are called blessed. You have heard the patience of Job and know how the Lord dealt with him in the end. For the Lord is merciful and shows compassion." (James 5:7-11)

So I choose to be patient and to offer each day to Him.

#1 priority: Doing the will of the Father

What exactly does the Father want me to do?

Know Him, love Him, serve Him. Remain faithful in the little things. Be joyful. Give of myself to others. Trust Him. Be thankful. Forgive. Share the beautiful things about my faith with those who need to hear it.

He doesn't want me to stress out or worry about anything. He doesn't want me to be afraid. He most especially doesn't want me to give the devil any room to work in my life, in my heart, or in my head. I have to let God fill every part of me so that He can be given charge of everything I have and everything I am.

Before I even plan my days, I need to be mindful of where I want to go. I need to set my eyes on Heaven and let my love for God direct my actions and decisions. And I need to - above all else - just let Him love me.

You would think that would be easy, but it isn't.

So I just pray. I pray that I will be able to open my heart to Him more each day...it is my constant prayer because I've written it down many times before.

What does this have to do with the To-do List I mentioned a couple of entries ago?

Lots.

My life has to have purpose.

No, I'm not doing great things in the world where people will put my name in lights...nor am I beautiful enough to have my face filling magazine covers or movie screens. So being that as it may, what goals do I have for myself?

I want to do His will.

I want to live my life and order my days according to His plan, where I don't miss opportunities to meet Him in the people I work with, in the students I teach, in those we outreach to in the community. I want to be completely free of the chains that have wound their way around my heart for much of my life...to know that I am making progress when it comes to love...to give chunks of my heart away without expecting anything back in return.

Still feel like a bit of a mess, but that's okay. Fr. Scott always told me that mess is good, in the sense that you know that the more you work at it, the closer you'll get to some sort of order.

Today's AFF session was good. I trusted and I prayed and I found myself smiling. Then I remembered the rainbow I saw last week over Knickerson Gardens as I thanked God for being wherever I went. When you are conscious of His presence all around you, you never get lonely.

How beautiful is that?

So I shall continue on for the rest of my day, grateful for what He's given me...particularly thankful for a conversation I had an hour ago with a very good friend of mine. It was much needed. It was getting much too painful to hold it all in. Whew.

Those random phone calls are truly emotional life-savers.

It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. Maybe I should write that 97 more times to drill it in my head. Or maybe I should just leave for Mass now and give it all it Jesus.

Good idea. =)

Today

On my way to work, I noticed a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that said,

"Today would be a great day for JESUS to come back."

AMEN.

Glory Defined
by Building 429

There's always a better way
there's always a bridge that needs crossing
there's always the straight and the narrow
the wide and the shallow
But I know that you're guiding me
and the best is yet to come
You've given me hope for tomorrow
and I know some day

Chorus
I'll wake up to find Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan I know that I'll be running home to you
It's always the simple things
it's always the obvious that crashes over me
It's always in front of me
it helps me to remember
this is what I live for and I can't wait

There's never a question in your message
never a moment without your presence
there's never a doubt in my mind
that I'll wake up to find Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan I know that I'll be running home to you

******************************

"There is wisdom in knowing what is inevitable and what, with courage and intelligence, can be changed. Fundamentally though, nothing matters except to have a true and humble desire to do what we know is right."

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

"If you have accepted Christ Jesus as Lord, let Him be your doctrine. Be rooted and built up in Him; let faith be your principle, as you were taught, and your thanksgiving overflowing." (Col 2:6-7)

Day Planning

For those of you who just can't seem to get the concept of time management down, I recommend Franklin Covey's prioritizing system. I didn't want to blog about this until it actually became a habit, and being that I've done this consistently for over 21 days (29 to be exact!), that officially makes it a habit I have developed (yaaaaay!!!).

I should be sleeping right now, but I took an hour nap and I'm still pretty wide awake so I thought I'd share the wealth.

I am the classic procrastinator in addition to tendencies toward overachievement and perfectionism. After attending a workshop to help campus ministers manage their tasks and time, I realized that my life was a mess. Okay, maybe not that bad, but it wasn't efficiently run. I wasted a lot of time and a lot of energy, and I could never find the time to do the things that were really important to me. I was always tired and unnnecessarily stressed out, and I really couldn't blame it on my illness. Something needed to change, so I decided to apply everything I learned immediately (there is also the 72-hour rule...if you choose to do something, make sure you get started within 72 hours or you'll never really begin).

It was difficult at first but I was determined to make this system work for me. I have so many facets of my job and of my life that I couldn't not have a plan for my days. Just taking the 15 minutes per morning (or night) alone to plan had to become habit, and then things that I wanted to incorporate into my life needed to become a regular part of my life as well. I had to keep track of how many hours of sleep I was getting, whether I took my medicine and vitamins, what I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if I was able to get any exercise in, how much water I drank during the day.

Of course you don't have to be as anal as I am since I need to log all this stuff to track changes in my health, but it's nice to know that things - especially important things - are no longer slipping through the cracks and not getting done.

There have been a couple of days at the most when I decided not to make a schedule and have a do-whatever-I-want day, and there have also been times when I decided to put off a task or two for a day just so I could visit my sister or catch up with a friend who happens to call out of the blue. Moments like that are important to me, so I definitely don't pass those opportunities up. But gone are the days of feeling unproductive because now it feels like I'm doing more things that really do have purpose.

It's almost 11:30 and I should start winding down, so I'll just leave you with hints on a to-do list for now. Perhaps in my next entry, I'll explain the concept of prioritizing tasks and give you an idea of how I organize my day.

Part One: THE TO-DO LIST
Making the most of your to-do list...

Take a little time each day to build you list of things To Do.

• Include in your to-do list activities that help you move closer to reaching your goals. Moving toward your dream takes effort. Not as much as you might think, but it does take something - a willingness to examine what you want and how you spend your time. Perhaps there is a skill you want to learn, or a place you want to visit, or there is something about yourself you want to improve. Write down something today to move you closer to your goals.
• In addition to activities that will help you reach your goals, you will have tasks that must be completed for work, school, home life, etc. These activities may or may not be directly related to your long-term goals, but they must be completed to keep your life functioning. Write these activities on your list also.
• Be sure that you do not include activities that should appear on your Appointment Schedule. Meetings, classes, doctor visits, and other scheduled items can be listed on your Appointment Schedule in the appropriate time slot and do not need to take up space on your to-do list.
• It also helps to review the upcoming days to see what you can do today to prepare for future events or assignments. Research, agenda preparation, etc., are items that could be put on your to-do list in preparation for the days ahead.

"There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we do it as beautifully as possible."

- Bl. Mother Teresa

The Struggle

"It's hard to be holy, huh, Ms. Soratorio?"

"Yes, it is, Alex...you can't do it by yourself. That's why you need God's help."

I gave them a snippet of what I used to be like, and I realized how much I've changed. But lately, I've been so aware of how much farther I have to go.

We try our best, we really do.

We can only give God who we are and let Him work with what we've got. He doesn't expect us to run faster than we're able. If we fall, we just have to get back up.

"But what if you keep struggling with the same sin?"

"Then you go back to confess it again. If you keep going to Confession, eventually it won't become a problem anymore. It takes time, and you have to be patient with yourself."

Patience. It's such a difficult virtue to learn because it's almost easier to get stuck in the frustration and move towards giving up.

What are we doing here, again?

God created us because He needed to have relationship. He is love and love by its very nature wants to give. He needed someone to give to.

So that means we are here to receive His love, just because He wants to love us. When we mess up, He still loves us, and He still keeps giving to us. When we receive His love, we develop that love relationship with Him and out of that love, we want to give Him our love in return.

How do we do that?

By wanting to be with Him...living our lives to please Him...doing all we can to make Him happy. Our love becomes self-giving as well. Not selfish.

Wow, that's convicting.

I honestly don't live every day of my life waking up thinking about Him. I wake up thinking about what I have to do because it needs to get done, but I don't think about who I'm doing it for. Periodically I'll do things consciously for myself, for my fiance, for my family, or for my friends. Do I say to my Lord, "I'm doing this for You"?

Not really.

I guess I just assume that He knows and I don't have to think about it.

But I want to.

I want to be as intentional with my actions for God as I am with everything else I do for other people.

Maybe I just need to acknowledge more often that He's actually with me throughout my day. Yes, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep and also through the night into the next morning. Maybe then it'll come more naturally.

Maybe then I won't offend Him anymore because I'll be conscious of His presence...of how much He loves me and how much I really do want to please Him.

Maybe then it won't be so hard to try to be holy.

Our faith and our relationship with Him is the greatest blessing we have. I pray that I'll grow to appreciate it as much as the saints did when they truly had God as their everything.

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

Today's 1st Reading

God formed man to be imperishable;
the image of his own nature he made them.
But by the envy of the Devil, death entered the world,
and they who are in his possession experience it.

But the souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;
and their passing away was thought an affliction
and their going forth from us, utter destruction.
But they are in peace.
For if before men, indeed, they be punished,
yet is their hope full of immortality;Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed,
because God tried them
and found them worthy of himself.
As gold in the furnace, he proved them,
and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.
In the time of their visitation they shall shine,
and shall dart about as sparks through stubble;
They shall judge nations and rule over peoples,
and the Lord shall be their King forever.
Those who trust in him shall understand truth,
and the faithful shall abide with him in love:
Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones,
and his care is with his elect.
(Wis 2:23–3:9)

This is a reading that is usually used at funerals...I remember it very well from the many I have attended. Today's passage however begins a few verses before and speaks of the devil's envy.

Satan envies us. Why and what does that mean?

Envy: A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

He wanted something that we had when God created us.

What can we do that Satan cannot?

Procreate.

Satan as the angel Lucifer was not made to take part in the creation of anything. He by his very nature could praise God and serve Him - just like we can - and had more power than any man or woman ever would, but this...he could not do.

So how does he retaliate?

He destroys.

He destroys relationships. He destroys lives. Anything life-giving is his enemy.

"...death entered the world and those who are in his possession experience it." (v.24)

This, I believe is not death of the body but death of the soul. We will all pass away but the Father has given us His Son to save us for an eternity with Him. If we do not accept the death of Jesus for our sins, we reject the very gift of salvation.

How easy it would be to slip back into the ways of the world, but how tragic the consequences.

Is it really worth it? Fleeting moments of temporary happiness in exchange for what?

Jaymee sent me a quote a while back that convicts the heart profoundly - "No matter which of the thousands roads you choose, at the end of life we'll see two faces: the beautiful face of Christ or the wretched face of Satan. One will claim us for all eternity."

Yesterday I recalled a young man I met who said he used to be very involved in his church - leader of a praise band, making music for God. Something happened that caused him to lose faith in God and he has turned his back on the Lord completely. Seeing his life now, I couldn't understand why he would leave such a beautiful journey but I could only trust that God still called him and I prayed that someday he would open the door of his heart again.

Things may happen that disillusion us and lead us to believe that God isn't really there...that all the effort we put into remaining strong in faith is more than we can handle. We see hypocrisy in our church and we don't want to be a part of it because the people we deal with everyday "out there" are more real than the ones we see in the house of God.

Some of that I do understand.

It's a road, however, that I cannot take.

I can't leave Him, and I can't leave His Church. I looked up at the Cross during Mass last night and I heard myself repeating the words I've said again and again - "If I was to walk away from this, where would I go?"

I pray that those who have left will come back...that they will someday learn that those difficult times were great opportunities for virtue to emerge...that they will hear the words of Solomon and know that God does care, that He does love them with everything He is.

"Do not invite death by the error of your life,
or bring on destruction by the works of your hands;
because God did not make death,
and He does not delight in the death of the living.
For He created all things so that they might exist;
the generative forces of the world are wholesome,
and there is no destructive poison in them,
and the dominion of Hades is not on earth,
For righteousness is immortal."
(Wis 1:12-16)

It's all coming together

I want to write about something but I don't know what to write about.

Maybe I got it all out at adoration earlier.

How are you?

I'm good. Yeah, I'm actually doing pretty well. Funny to say that when last week was so rough. That's the strange thing about my condition...about my life, really. It's very roller-coasterish.

When I walked in the front door tonight, I saw Leilani and my mom both asleep on the couch. It was the cutest thing.

Leilani is in kindergarten now at St. Pius. She looks so adorable in her uniform. I'm glad Lyn-Lyn decided to transfer her there because she would not have been able to dress up as St. Therese for All Saints' Day if she was still in a public school. And her cousin Cha-Cha is her reading buddy. That's cool.

So I'm looking forward to seeing her grow up and learn more...to be there as she develops in faith. She's learning how to read now. What she'll do when we're driving around is she'll look for signs and spell them out and ask me what they say. Then I tell her to sound it out and she uses the letter sounds to try to figure it out. Super-cool.

What else is new?

Emeline is pregnant (not so new) and she's cute, too! In a very grown-up mommy kind of way, of course. Her tummy is a little bigger each time I see her. How exciting...I get a kick out of watching Robby talk to the baby inside. I pray every day for them and the baby, who I will get to meet in 5 months! Yes, I am SOOOOO grateful that she is going through all that before me. As you can see, I have no problem being the oldest and not being the first to do everything. I like being one step behind for a change. That's super-duper cool.

Someone else I know is pregnant, too, but I can't say too much because I don't know how much she's already shared. And for that blessing, I thank God, too!!!

Lots will be happening next year...my cousin Beng, Em, and my friend will all have their babies...the KPsiE 10-year reunion in March...my last 6th grade class will be graduating from St. Paul...Summer and I will be getting married (no, not to each other!)...I'll move out of the house for the first time in my entire life...I'll get to go to Hawaii with Gary for 2 whole weeks!...my first students at Verb will be going through their KAIROS in the fall...and I'll be turning 30 (finally! I know - it's weird that I'm happy about that, but I am).

Yaaaaay! God is so good.

It's great to have so many things to look forward to.

Life, of course, is not always a bed of roses and I'm sure the year will also be sprinkled with difficulties, but it is a comfort to know that God will always be there in the midst of it all.

Praying through each day so that I don't take any of it for granted.

That's it for tonight. I think I'll get ready for bed now.

and Jason, if you happen to be reading this, you'll be happy to know that my bedtime is now 10:00pm. I'm also eating regularly, taking my vitamins and medication, drinking lots of water and trying to keep stress to a minimum (I think that's the most challenging).

Huge accomplishment, eh?

Now if I can only get myself to the track...

Okay, okay...good night!

+AMDG+

Retracing my steps

Sometimes you have to go back to a time and place when you began to try...to try to better yourself and turn away from everything that was getting you down. After giving the world a fair shot, you just realized that it hurt too much to live the way most people were because deep down inside you knew you were called to something greater.

So many times had I made the attempt to get back on my feet but it wasn't until I took His hand that I was able to stay up long enough to make any real progress.

I had to make the journey again...driving out to St. John Vianney in Hacienda Heights for Confession and Mass just so I could remember what it was like to approach Him with that much humility...knowing that I really wasn't as okay as I thought I was...understanding that He needed to be the one to change me and that I couldn't ever do it by myself.

Other people will see me and say that I look fine, but I know better. I know when I'm trying to distract myself from answering God's call to give Him every single aspect of my life. I did it before, years ago, but I guess you could say I was definitely in the "honeymoon phase" of my faith. Everything came easy because I was so in love with Him. Now that it's no longer based on good feelings, I need to make the conscious choice to love Him in the struggle. That's when He'll really know. That's when I can really prove it.

And that would be now.

We all have those moments when we need to rewind and remember where we came from. Eileen called me the other day from up north saying that she had one of those moments in church and she thought of the memories we shared here at home just talking about God and our personal walks with Him.

On the way to church, I also popped in a cd that I made for my first 6th grade class, and the songs triggered so much within me that I couldn't help but be thankful for every step of the path He has set me on.

It may be a place. It may be a person, or it may be a song. God can speak to us in so many different ways, and He's always calling us back. It's just up to us to make that drive or that phone call to encounter Him again...to experience His healing, His comfort, and His love.

And if anything, He's always there Himself - Jesus in the Eucharist, waiting for us to visit and just say hi.

Yes, sometimes you have to retrace your steps in order to get back on track.

It might be scary at first because you don't know what to expect...but you can trust that God will be there...and that He'll be absolutely overjoyed that you decided to come home.

Remember what it was like to know His joy and His peace...to pray with all your heart, knowing in faith that He heard your requests...to rest in His arms and trust in His protection...to leave your sinful past behind you and start over "as if nothing ever happened".

That's so beautiful.

I don't know who I'm writing this to...perhaps it's just a reminder for myself so I can read it again someday...but if there is someone out there who happens to come across this entry needing to recommit their lives to Christ, then please know that I will be praying for you.

As we celebrate the feasts of All Saints and All Souls, the mystical body of Christ joins together to remember who we are...whose side we're fighting for...and that it is a battle we fight every day to establish the kingdom of God here on earth.

We are a pilgrim people, moving through this life in order to help Him get more people into the next.

Our destination: HEAVEN

To lose sight of that would mean to lose our very souls. May God grant His pardon to us for forgetting when we do, and may His mercy be the doorway through which we always return.