Lessons

Things are not exactly as I would have them to be, but God always knows best. He's trying to teach me lessons I should have learned a long time ago. In His great mercy, He is allowing me to discover the great value of experiences I could never really understand before.

I was talking to one of my friends about teenagers not truly understanding the sacrifices that other people make for them every day. As a teacher, that sometimes frustrates me, but I've been asking God for the strength to persevere anyway. In the middle of praying my morning rosary, I realized that I was the exact same way when I was their age.

It was all about me and my friends and my life and what I wanted. I took for granted that my parents worked so hard for us, just so we could get a good education and a roof over our heads. When my mom wasn't home, I assumed that work was more important to her than we were. When my dad died, I didn't know how difficult it was for her to try and play both mom and dad...to try and discipline us because he wasn't there to do it anymore. I didn't get it.......for a long time.

Not until I fell into her role.

Maybe I don't face the exact same circumstances that she faced, but I am feeling a lot of what she did. I now work long hours and hold more than one job...spending a few hours a day on the freeway to get there...coming home tired and worn from the demands of teaching. I am also having to "lay down the hammer" at school because the dynamics have shifted since our team has changed this last year.

Last week I wasn't feeling it anymore. Yesterday, I was still having a hard time. But God is always so good at coming through for me and letting me know that this has to happen for my own good...even if it doesn't feel so great. I need to REALLY, TRULY appreciate my mother for all the different ways she has loved us. I always said that I wanted her faith, and I wanted my prayers to be as strong as hers. But the only way that I can be like her is to be molded in much of the same way she was.

My mom knows how to persevere. She knows how to suffer well. She's gone through so much in her life, and she's never given up hope.

So I decided this morning to finally place all my desires, frustrations, and plans into the hands of God.....because I sure wasn't getting anywhere with them all by myself.

And that's when this song came on:

Safe
By Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free


I don't doubt God, but I sure don't let Him handle my life the way I need him to. And when I let Him be who He is, things start to fall into place. Today was actually a great day, and most of it came from the decision I made to be different. I suppose that's the fruit of my long commute. If I only had 15 minutes to get to work, maybe I wouldn't have the time to listen to Him like this.

So, dear Lord, thank you for answering my cry out to you. Thank you for not leaving me alone. Amen.

+AMDG+

The Fruit of the Mass

We need never fear that the Mass hinders us in the fulfillment of our temporal affairs; it is altogether the other way around. We may be sure that all will go better and that even our business will succeed better than if we have the misfortune not to assist at Mass.

– St. John Vianney

Our response to grace

"I have wandered onto the subject of silence. But this is not what I wanted to speak about, but rather about the soul's life with God and about its response to grace. When a soul has been cleansed, and the Lord is on intimate terms with it, it begins to apply all its inner force in striving after God. Yet the soul cannot do anything itself. God alone arranges everything. The soul knows this and is mindful of it. It is still in exile and understands will that there may yet come cloudy and rainy days, but it must now look upon things differently from what it had up to now. It does not seek reassurance in a false peace, but makes ready for battle. It knows it comes from a warrior race. It is now much more aware of everything. It knows that it is of royal stock. It is concerned with all that is great and holy."

- From the Diary of St. Faustina (#120)

Wisdom

"I don't know what I'm doing, but I know what I love." - Albert Soratorio

What a wonderful conversation we had about pain...and love...and healing. For the first time in 31 years, we could say that we shared with each other. We've talked before, but not like this.

And I learned a very important lesson: Do not judge the weight of another person's cross. Do what you can to help them carry it.

I really, really love my brother.

+AMDG+

Victory in Christ

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

******************************

There is no greater gift than LOVE. No greater strength. No greater virtue. Always and every day...may we remember to be LOVE.

For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. Amen.

+AMDG+

Buried Treasure for 2010

I was cleaning out one of my boxes and found a notebook that has all my notes from Tito Jess's Catholic morality class, the Prayer of Jabez, and the talks I went to at the National Catholic Family Conference that year.

Powerhouse.

Fr. Bill Casey. Fr. Shannon Collins. Michael Cumbie. Tim Staples. Fr. Straub.

Those were the days...

So I decided to make them my New Year's meditations. Not just for the day, but for the WHOLE YEAR.

What grace comes from going back to your roots and relearning everything that committed your heart in the first place.

Regina sent me this prayer, and truly...it was everything I needed to hear for this coming year.

"Disturb us, O Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves; when our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little; when we have arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore; Stir us, O Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture more seas, where storms shall show your mastery, where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. In the Name of Him who pushed back the horizons of our hopes...and invited us to follow Him. Amen."

Here's to a year consecrated to Jesus through Mary...a year of expanding territory...claimed for the Kingdom of God.

+AMDG+

Solemnity of the Mary, Mother of God

Courtesy of Fr. Ed - today's homily

1. As soon as you wake up, consecrate your day to Mary.
2. Do all acts through Mary so she can offer them up to her Son.
3. Wear the scapular. It is Mary hugging you and offering her protection.
4. Pray the Rosary as a family daily (before dinner). Short and sweet.
5. Have the FATHER lead the rosary as the example of spiritual leadership.

From which we shall give

Life in Christ: CCC #2548

Desire for true happiness frees man from his immoderate attachment to the goods of this world so that he can find his fulfillment in the vision and beatitude of God. "The promise [of seeing God] surpasses all beatitude...In Scripture, to see is to possess...Whoever sees God has obtained all the goods of which he can conceive."

+AMDG+

Christmas isn't over yet

Life in Christ: CCC #2547

The Lord grieves over the rich, because they find their consolation in the abundance of goods. "Let the proud seek and love earthly kingdoms, but blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven." Abandonment to the providence of the Father in heaven frees us from anxiety about tomorrow. Trust in God is a preparation for the blessedness of the poor. They shall see God.

The Holy Family has much to teach me. They obeyed. They trusted. They suffered, but they never once turned away from God. In the days surrounding the nativity of Jesus, Mary and Joseph persevered beyond their own human limitations. Pregnant...about to give birth...traveling on the back of a donkey some 100 miles. Dreaming...an angel says, "Go or they will kill your child"...venturing into a land so far away from home. Because every step of the way, they begged for the grace.

I look to you, Lord, and say, "It's too heavy"...like my little girl tells me as she struggles to carry something bigger than her...but she - unlike me - tries to pick it up anyway. What good will I be if I just sit and stare at my cross? If I'm going to follow You, it needs to be on my shoulders...right where Yours was.

So my gift to You this Christmas is to try to be like You...like Mary...like Joseph. Not just in what I know about God, but what I choose to truly believe. Because if I really believe in You, then my life will reflect a greater love...a deeper commitment...a lasting peace. No matter the weight that bears down on me, or the obstacles that stand in the way...somehow it will all bear some kind of fruit...maybe in my own heart and in the hearts of my own children.

Amen.

+AMDG+

Advent - A Time of Waiting

...lots of waiting. For what?

• answers to questions about my health
• God's will regarding work and ministry
  
• this flu to be over

I just remembered that the vice I put on the board on the first week of Advent was impatience. I told the 6th graders, "The goal for all of us is to be holier on Christmas day than we were when Advent began. We all have things we want to change. Look at all the vices we listed - one from each of us. How horrible this world would be if we never changed these things. But look at all the opposite virtues! If we can reach these, by the grace of God, we'd all be saints!"

I should really listen to myself. Sometimes I have to be my own student. It'll save me a whole lot of frustration. =)

He hears me

We ought to be persuaded that what God refuses to our prayer, He grants to our salvation.

– St. Augustine

Be strong, fear not!

Thus says the LORD:
Say to those whose hearts are frightened:
Be strong, fear not! Here is your God, he comes with vindication; with divine recompense he comes to save you. Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared; then will the lame leap like a stag, then the tongue of the mute will sing. Streams will burst forth in the desert, and rivers in the steppe. The burning sands will become pools, and the thirsty ground, springs of water.
(Is 35:4-7a)

********************

I am free. My ears have been opened to His word. My eyes now see what He wills me to see in myself and those around me. He said to me, “Ephphatha!” Twenty-five years had gone by and I had forgotten what it was like to hear Him...to see Him...within me.

I was healed through a man whose purity of heart and clarity of soul channeled the grace of God straight into the very depths of my being. There was nothing dramatic about it. Just a simple prayer, a hand laid on my head, with Jesus so close to his heart. He was one of Your own, Lord.

I will never forget. August 23, 2009.

No wonder people follow him. They follow him like they followed You, dear Lord. They know that through him, they come in contact with the power of God. Such a humble, uncontaminated presence...

+AMDG+

Beloved

Life is beautiful.

Family...friends...opportunities...talking about falling so deeply in love with Jesus...accepting our imperfections...forgiving mistakes...transformation...reconciliation...something happening in the Church.

Lots to contemplate, and even more to appreciate.

I'm also praying for a baby named Niko to meet the world with a loud, healthy cry...for his mommy to lift up every minute of labor and childbirth out of love for this child God has given to her. 

These are good times.  So much to look forward to! =)

+AMDG+

Bedtime routine

Tonight: 1st sorrowful mystery - I'm praying, girls are squirmy. 2nd sorrowful mystery - I'm praying, Lea is rolling around, Therese is squirmier. 3rd sorrowful mystery - I stop in-between to try another hold with Therese, Lea wants me to hold her, too..then starts singing and dancing the "Disco Roll". 4th sorrowful mystery - I'm praying, Lea lies down next to me and strokes my arm singing the "Goodbye" song...halfway through 4th sorrowful mystery, Lea starts praying the Hail Mary's with me for the first time!! 5 in a row - whoohoo!! Then Lea looks tired and I tell her she can go to sleep. 5th sorrowful mystery - I'm praying, both girls are asleep. Praise God! It works (almost) every time. =)

Grace is flowing like a river

I just got done chatting with one of my former students from St. Paul of the Cross.  She found me on Yahoo!  and we got to talking...I haven't seen her in 5 years, and she's starting her first year in college!  It was a really nice dialogue...very God-centered...and I was so happy to know that she was doing so well.

Funny thing that I mentioned Gary working at LMU and she was floored because that's where she wanted to go...also to be an athletic trainer!  So I suggested that they talk so she can learn more about the different routes she can take.   It was just weird how I was just thinking of her the other day, and she said she was thinking of me, too...then all of a sudden she gets in contact with me!

It's been such a blessed summer.  So many things have happened...to the point that it's been almost overwhelming in a good way.  Making rosaries...teaching a couple of my students and a grandma...knowing that they want to continue and show others how to make them...coming back to SJS and seeing kids loving to learn during VACATION!...being inspired by friends...learning to dance for GOD...anticipating new additions to the family...

But alas I must go to sleep now,  More rosary making plus a doctor's appointment in the morning, and hula practice at night...so we're up for another long day.

Good night! =)

+AMDG+

Conversation

Prayer. Communion with God. Going to Him for everything...consolation, advice, direction. Sometimes it's hard to remember that we don't have to work too hard to "figure things out"...that it's God who is in control of all the things we're trying to figure out.
"The Lord himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still." That is incredibly encouraging...from the 
Exodus story but very relevant to our own lives. We have no power in and of ourselves, so we must trust Him to work miracles and move mountains just like He said He would.
Yesterday's first reading from the book of Jeremiah talks about "the remnant" that the Lord will gather to Himself. I felt my heart smile as I thought of all the friends I had made over the years who had been part of my journey...scattered but being called back so that "none shall be missing." It was so nice to see familiar souls last week as we came together to pray for baby Bella, Mark, and Micah. Tonight we are heading to Holy Family to help the youth group prepare for their rally...later next month it will be LSS...in September we'll be back at SCRC to actually attend talks again (I'm SOOO excited!).
I've also since been in touch with others along the way...sharing and reconnecting...because we need each other...a phone call, an email, a text just to pray and to let each other know that the Mystical Body of Christ is still very much alive.
Praise the Lord!
+AMDG+ 

Ati and Lea

Leilani is spending a couple of days with us, and Meleana is having SO much fun with her! She arrived yesterday afternoon with Lyn-lyn, Mommy, and JJ and we had lunch here from Versailles (mmmm...). Before falling too deep into a food coma, we all went to the Bridge and played glow-in-the-dark mini golf at Putting Edge. Leilani hit a beautiful hole-in-one, and so did Gary...but I missed his because I was feeding Therese. They gave Meleana and JJ little putters and golf balls so they could participate, too, and JJ was doing so well with trying to hit the ball into the holes. =) It was so cute watching them playing with each other! I was excited over how everybody's clothes glowed. Leilani asked me what glowed on me, and I told her that only my toes glowed...haha! But the putters and golf balls glowed, and we even got little glow bracelets. Very cool! We had some time to walk around, so we swung by Game Stop for Leilani and Gary, then ended with shakes and smoothies from Ben & Jerry's (mmmm again!).

Back at the apartment, Leilani and Lea spent some time drawing/coloring, blowing bubbles, and playing in the watermelon box-turned-clubhouse that Gary made for Lea a few months ago. Leilani thought that we could decorate the inside, so I printed out pictures of Jesus and Mary, curtains, clouds, and a sun (totally her idea). She cut them all out and we taped them to the inside...complete with a "Home Sweet Home" sign to also put up.

As soon as Gary was finished making dinner, they all sat and ate while I took care of the baby. I eventually fell asleep and stayed asleep (which is why I'm up right now) and they played in the house some more, roasted marshmallows, played again, practiced Lea's ABCs on Starfall, and gave her a bath.

My niece is so sweet. Before Lyn-lyn left, she said Leilani was our third daughter. I said she was my daughter even before I had the two girls. I know Emeline feels the same way. We all helped raise her, and Lyn-lyn was so generous to share her with our whole family. I used to take her out whenever I wanted and we'd hang out - usually at Downtown Disney during the summertime and go to daily Mass during the week nights after I'd pick her up from preschool.

I'm so glad she loves our children, and that Meleana gets along so well with all her cousins. The day after seeing them, she's saying over and over, "Ati, Jacob, JJ! Ati, Jacob, JJ!" They're all challenged to learn to share with each other when they play, but that's just a part of growing up. Most of the time, though, they LOVE to laugh together and have Yo Gabba dance parties in Em and Rob's family room. I have such a great time watching them enjoy the time they have as little kids...and Gary has a blast playing with all of them. It definitely keeps us young. =)

Praise God for family!!!

In Your arms

Life is so precious. For as long as we are here, we need to see it for the gift that it is. We just left All Souls Cemetary for Baby Bella's viewing. When Em told me that she died, I wanted to cry. My heart hurt so painfully for Micah and Mark because I couldn't imagine going through such a loss...thinking that everything was fine for most of the pregnancy and then realizing that you would soon have to say goodbye and let her go. It was hard for Gary and I to lose our first baby too, but we didn't have to plan a funeral for him.

Oh, Lord, we are so grateful for the strength you have given them through their faith and the prayers of their family and friends. Thank you for putting it in my heart to give them the picture of You holding the baby in Heaven. It brought so much comfort to us when we lost little Gary and it just seemed like the right thing to do to pass it on to them. And to be there with the family praying the rosary...to ask for healing as we laid hands on them...because we didn't have the words. No one ever knows what to say but You somehow always show us what we need to do.

Please continue to hold Micah and Mark in the shelter of Your loving embrace, and grant them the consolation in knowing that their little girl is with You loving them with Heaven's love. Amen.

Making it work

When I was single, I was very selfish with my time.  It may not have seemed like it because I was always involved in ministry or some kind of service, and I spent so much time at work.  But ultimately, I did what I wanted when I wanted...and when I felt like I needed to get away, I took a long drive...when I wanted to spend time with Jesus, I hopped in my car to go to adoration during late night hours at churches all over SoCal.

Yet parenting has to be one of the greatest opportunities to grow in virtue. Now that I am a mom, I find myself making sacrifices all the time, and I cannot do what I want when I want.  I must meet the needs of my children, make them happy, dry their tears, entertain them when they are bored, feed them, clothe them, change their diapers, and take them with me almost everywhere I go.

A drastic change from what my life was like just less than two years ago.

I complain sometimes (when I really shouldn't) and I get frustrated when days (or nights) don't go as smoothly as I would like them to.  But Gary brought up a really good point last week when I was having a hard time with the kids.  He said that all animal children stay with their mothers until they are ready to venture out into the world.  The mother carries them on her back (or in her pouch)...or for the water-dwellers, the young are found swimming right alongside their mommas...as natural as can be.

I needed to hear that again because I have had to readjust to being at home for summer vacation.  Gary spends most of his time with the kids when I am at work.  So they (especially Meleana) gravitate toward him more then they would to me.  Therese actually enjoys his shoulder much more than mine.  But over the last couple of weeks, Meleana has been very attached to me and it kind of took me by surprise.  I've always been the kind of person that needs "space", so I had to get used to all the attention she was giving and wanting from me.

When I had the conversation with Gary about animal babies and their mothers, I asked God to give me the grace for the kind of mothering I needed to give my girls.  Made in the image and likeness of God, we - more than any animal - have the capacity to love our children the way He loves us.  

I've had to beg for even more grace during Mass when my little toddler wants to run off and play outside rather than sit quietly next to me.  Last Sunday, I spent almost the entire Mass outside with her because she just couldn't hold it together inside.  But I remembered the advice my cousin Jaymee gave to take the kids to daily Mass to help them get used to the routine.  Daily Mass last week was a struggle still since it really depended on whether we were able to get a nap in, but I told Gary that we needed to keep going and taking the kids no matter how difficult it was because the day would eventually come when Meleana would sit there quietly and we would be able to participate.

So today - Sunday - we decided to take another shot at going to SPC.  We were anticipating another challenging Mass because Meleana was constipated and couldn't sleep on the way there.  I read the Mass readings and Gospel on the drive so at least I knew what I might be missing and prayed super-hard for patience in the next hour with her.

You wouldn't believe...

She was PERFECT.  I held her in my arms...she laid on my lap...she watched the kids behind us...and found things in my purse to quietly play with.  When it was time for communion, she held my hand and waited for our turn to go up.  No squirming, no crying, no whining about how uncomfortable she was.

After receiving the Eucharist, I thanked God profusely for keeping her calm and for allowing me to be there in the church the whole time.  As soon as Mass was over, I thanked Meleana for being so well-behaved.  She clapped for herself because she seemed to understand that she did a good job and it meant a lot to me.  I know not every Sunday from here on out will be like today, but I'm so glad I didn't have to wait another 3 years to see it happen.

Day by day...I'm learning how to be more self-giving and loving...less selfish and impatient.  I love my children - I really do - but I have to keep reminding myself that in order to truly love them, I have to deny myself and do for them what my parents did for me.

So yes, I really am enjoying my time off being able to spend so much time with my family because I know that in September I will be sad to leave them again.

+AMDG+

Prepare for revolution

"Every revolution, big or small, requires a change of mentality, and even before that, a change of heart, in order to overcome any resistance there might be to the new situation." (p.169 - A Life with Karol)

*****************************

In true appreciation of the journey...

From Altar Server to Bishop (By Bishop Frederick Henry)