Happy Summer!

To mark the beginning of summer, Yahoo's logo has this super-cool animated picture with kids going through a Slip-n-Slide. If you place the cursor over it, the sprinklers turn on and you see the kids one by one running and sliding across the screen. It reminds me of the summer days when we would go to our cousins' house in West Covina and play Slip-n-Slide in their front yard. Those were the days... =)

I haven't blogged in a while, so I must wish my sister and BiL happy belated birthdays, plus the rest of the June birthday gang (there are so many of you!). Happy belated Father's Day also to Rob, Mike, Mo, and Gary, of course!

These last few weeks have been incredibly busy with the end-of-the-year wrap up and my last Masters class. There were moments I didn't think I'd be able to pull it off, but thanks be to God for the strength and stamina to get through it. Now all I have to do is write my final comprehensive paper, complete my portfolio, do my 60 hours of public school observation, and finish the TPAs in the fall. Sounds like a lot, but after 2 years in the program, this last home stretch is a relief.

I would NEVER have been able to do it all without Gary. He's watched the baby while I've had to go to work and while I've written papers...made her baby food and changed her diapers...washed bottles and did her laundry...put her to sleep when she wanted to stay up later than me...got up in the middle of the night when she needed to eat...took multiple hits when she couldn't hold her food down during her coughing fits...brought her to the doctor and gave her medicine when she'd fight against it...cooked dinner every night...all with a smile on his face (when he wasn't extremely exhausted!)... He's just amazing.

This past week Gary went to St. Louis for his Athletic Training convention. It was my first time alone with Meleana for longer than a day, and I'm glad that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be without him. We had a lot of fun together...lots of good quality Mommy-and-Daughter time. We did miss him, though, and I wouldn't want the trips to be a regular occurrence like they were before. So ironic that it was just a couple of years ago when we were having conversations about a not-so-remote possibility that he could work for the Lakers...that it had always been his dream as a trainer to go Pro...not ever imagining that he would leave his job at a Division I school and give up his career to stay home and take care of our baby.

While we now talk about different options for him as we're looking to make the switch after this coming school year, he told me that his passion right now is Meleana. He will eventually go back to work, but he really is good at what he does at home. There was a recent segment on stay-at-home dads on ABC, and I wish that they took more time to give the world a better glimpse into the lives of these men. It's a huge sacrifice for them to take on a non-traditional role and care for their children while their wives are at work. I think I truly appreciate the effort I see from the stay-at-home dads because my dad took care of us during the times when he couldn't work. It was a little different for him because it wasn't so much of a choice (he really wanted to work), but Daddy did a wonderful job with us - which is why I had such a great relationship with him.

Last night we drove to Oxnard for our Uncle Lew's graduation party. The one-man-band was playing all kinds of music and Gary took Meleana out on the dance floor. I must say that it was one of most touching sights I have ever seen. It reminded me of my dad who used to dance around with me and try to teach me how to waltz when I was older. Gary said that he hoped I didn't feel left out, but I told him that I wanted to cry (in a good way) when I watched the two of them.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got here. I remember how much I would long to be a Carmelite...to sit in the choir and pray with the Sisters...to kneel in front of the Tabernacle every night to say good night to Jesus...to serve and love the Lord as my spouse and only love. But when God gives me moments to cherish with my husband and child...when I see my little girl smiling at me with her crinkled little nose...when she falls asleep peacefully in my lap just as she is now...I cannot second guess His plan for my life because it definitely is just as beautiful.

Tagged!

So I decided to take a grading break and work on my 6 factoids! Here you go...

1. BROWN…is my favorite color. Ever since I found out that the Carmelites wear brown because it is the color of the earth, I’ve been drawn to wear it also. When I was teaching my 6^th graders at St. Paul about the Carmelite habit, they were the ones who noticed I wore it all the time. As Em’s closet has lots of blue, my closet has lots of brown. I try to buy other colors, too, but I end up defaulting to the earth tones when I go shopping for clothes, shoes, and purses. I thought I’d end up dressing my kiddo in brown, too, but little girl clothes come mostly in pink. At first I didn’t like the idea of having her in pink all the time, but it’s seemed to grow on me and I don’t mind it at all. =)

2. LITTLE GARY…is the name of our first baby. He was only six weeks in the womb when he left us, but I have a very special connection to him because he is still my child. We have an altar in our bedroom with mementos of him…a little framed picture of his last ultrasound, a figurine of a mother holding a little boy in her arms (given by Lyn-lyn), a picture of Jesus holding a baby in Heaven. Dr. Baggot gave us his rosary on the day when he broke the news about the miscarriage, and Meleana likes to carry it around and hold it when we are praying for Dad while he is at work. We even have Leilani’s drawings of Little Gary saying goodbye still posted on our refrigerator door (he looks like a peanut with a hand waving “bye”). He talks to me sometimes, especially when I pray to him for help when I’m feeling sad. It’s such a comfort to know that I have a child in Heaven who intercedes for our family here on earth. What a joy it will be to be with him again someday…

3. WATCHING GARY AND MELEANA SLEEP…is one of my favorite pastimes. I’ll wake up a little earlier than them and just smile as I spend a few moments each morning to appreciate the blessings they both are to me. I don’t ever regret making the choice we made to have the baby sleep with us at night because it just feels like the most natural thing to do. The cutest thing is seeing her lying on top of Gary while both of them are taking a nap together. They have a very special bond that has grown since he had begun staying home with her six months ago. She’s such a “Daddy’s girl”! My dad and I were very close and I’m so glad that Meleana will be able to share that kind of relationship with her dad.

4. COMPETITION…is not my forte, but I like to play games. Although I don’t have as much time or opportunity anymore, I get a kick out of board games, card games, and video games that aren’t too hard. When we were little we used to go to our cousins’ house in West Covina and play Bingo with the family. I remember the days back home when we would play Taboo, and our friends would be upset because my sisters and I had inside jokes and information that we could use to communicate with each other in order to win. Then we would play Scattergories at Crescent where Robby would make up answers and try to pass them off as legit (like “apple ice cream”…hehe!). In the early Monk days, we would get together at Shelly-O’s house to also play Taboo and Gestures – Alphas against Betas – and Jenn would get upset at Summer for gloating about their wins. I also used to play card games a lot when I was younger. It must have been at least ten years since I’d played Speed, but after our Newspaper Staff pizza party last Thursday, some of the kids asked me if I wanted to play against Michaela who was the fastest hand at SJS. I sat down in front of her, got a quick refresher on the rules, and I won! Mallory was quite proud of me – it was quite the accomplishment! And this summer, I think I’ll try to finish off Lego Star Wars on PS2. I bought it for Gary last year and was on a roll, but I haven’t touched it since last summer. I love this game because 1) I love Star Wars and 2) it’s easy! Well, except for the podracer level…but otherwise, I really like the little Lego action figures that go around fighting all the bad guys. It’s pretty cool. =)

5. HAWAII…I love everything about it…the scenery, the beaches, the people, the music, the dances, the culture, and the food! Our first trip to Hawaii must have been when I was in fifth or sixth grade (Kauai)…then we went again when I was in ninth grade (Kauai and Maui)…and again in 2000 when I graduated from college (Oahu, Kauai, and the Big Island)…then again in 2003 to plan Em and Rob’s wedding (Maui)…and in 2004 for Em and Rob’s wedding (Maui, Molokai, and Oahu)…and yet again in 2006 for our honeymoon (Big Island and Kauai). I have so many great memories from all of those trips…favorite places…favorite luaus and restaurants…and favorite churches, too! Whenever I was with my family, our big thing was going to scenic landmarks. We’d visit waterfalls, gardens, museums, plantations, and drive all over the islands to see as much as we could. I remember us kids getting seasick on a glassbottom boat tour…driving to Hana and almost falling off a cliff…appreciating the Maui sunset at the beach with my dad…going to the Smith Family Plantation and Luau for the first time in Kauai…being attacked by termites with Shell and Chel…going for morning runs with Emeline…listening to local music at the Kauai concert stadium on the 4^th of July…buying my first koa wood ukulele with Abie on Molokai…making a pilgrimage to Fr. Damien’s church…staying overnight at the Army camp on the Kiluaea volcano…seeing my first sea turtle up close and personal on the Big Island…taking the Na Pali Coast tour and watching a family of dolphins swim alongside our boat…taking pictures at PCC with Leilani as “my little hula doll”. When I recently went back with Gary, it was a different kind of experience because he’d never been to Hawaii, and it was so much fun introducing him to the places I’d been to before. Being the avid TV-watcher that he is, he would stay up and watch the island tour programs over and over again to find out what else we could do and where else we could go…and more importantly, where we could eat! We found really great restaurants and did a lot of things that I hadn’t experienced before – like going to a slack key concert, visiting the Kauai Cookie Factory, spending some time in praise and worship (and dance!) with a Samoan Christian youth group, and snorkeling on the northwestern reef of Kauai. Gary even taught me how to bodysurf! The only thing we didn’t get a chance to do was attend a Mass in Hawaiian – that will just have to wait until next time! We’d love to go back and take Meleana when she’s older, and also to share it with the rest of the family and her cousins. Hopefully someday!

6. THE ROSARY…is my favorite devotion. I pray it every morning on the way to work…something I started (on September 11, 2001 – to be exact) when I was working at St. Paul of the Cross. I noticed on days when I wouldn’t pray it for whatever reason, my days would not run as smoothly and I wouldn’t be able to handle my classes with as much patience. It really helped on my hour and a half commute to and from Verbum Dei, and now that Gary is working again, I find it very empowering to be able to pray for him while he is not home. I have had very special rosaries that I’ve chosen to give to people at very special times – my St. Therese rose petal rosary went to Brice at his uncle’s funeral; my first dogwood rosary was given to G-nee as a parting graduation gift; I gave my rosary made by Tito Johnny to Cecille after a tough break-up; another rosary of mine was given to Aly at her cousin’s funeral; and my 2^nd dogwood rosary was left as a thanksgiving offering on the grille of the Shrine of Our Mother of Perpetual Help in the Poland church where Pope John Paul II was baptized. And there have been rosaries given to me as well – Papa Jon loaned me his rosary during a very difficult time some years ago; Kevin H. gave me the rosary I use now which was made by his aunt; as I mentioned before, Dr. Baggot gave us his own rosary as a memento for Little Gary’s passing; and Michaela gave me a beautiful handmade rosary while I was pregnant to give to the baby when she was born. There is incredible value to praying on these beads. It was the daily Rosary that helped my family through the sickness and death of my father. When the survival of our first baby was in question, Dr. Baggot immediately suggested that we pray a Rosary together right there in his office. When I had to walk around the hospital for an hour to help the labor along, Gary and I prayed all four sets of mysteries without my feeling any pain the entire time. As I was pushing with all my might to deliver Meleana, Gary was beside me praying the Rosary until it was all over. There is no better way to journey through life than being held in the arms of Mary. Through trials and despair, in times of joy and success…she is there interceding for us in all of our needs.

Now I tag:

EILEEN and LEO! It's your turn! =)

I PASSED!!!

I passed the CSET!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! =)

This means that I can move forward with my final credential class. I'm taking my last class for my Master's degree, but I was so afraid that I would have to take one or two of the subtests over again. Some of my classmates didn't have as much luck, but I hope they got it this time around.

But I'm so HAPPY!!!

I know I need to do my 6 random factoids, but (sorry, Rob and Em) it will have to wait until later this week because we have grades due.

It's pretty crazy trying to wrap up the year. I'm showing Therese to the 6th graders and Padre Pio to the 7th graders. I love how they're so into both movies. We stopped at the part where Therese enters Carmel and Padre Pio enters the monastery as a Franciscan. Perfect timing for a good vocations talk tomorrow. Can't wait...

BTW, please pray for my cousin Maurice. He officially starts police academy today!

Blogging

I'm taking a technology class for Summer Session 1 at LMU, and it's interesting to reflect on this new digital culture that has developed out of such widespread use of technology. Cell phones, iPods, webcams, laptops, video games...the generation growing up in this day and age only knows what it is to live completely immersed in all of these things.

Take this blog, for instance. Anyone can read what I'm writing. Why do I choose to write it here and not in a paper journal? I have one, and sometimes I crack it open to jot down thoughts I don't need the whole world looking at. But there are times when I just want to BLOG. I want to sit down in front of my computer and type.

I think I blog because deep down I still want to be a writer, and blogging is a way to publish my thoughts while taking the risk that what I write will be judged, criticized, appreciated, or even shared. Of course, I don't get a whole lot of feedback outside of the occasional comment from my relatives and friends, but there is some satisfaction in this form of expression and seeing what I have written be "put out there".

It also doesn't take up any space. I have a box of notebooks in my closet - a collection of journals that span the course of maybe 5-6 years of my life. On this blog, I have a list of archived entries that I can browse through just by clicking a button. To add to that, I can add pictures! It's so nice to be able to look back at what I'd written months and years before, recalling good times and tough times, but constantly seeing the hand of God working in all of those instances.

What's interesting is that my blogging experience over the past five years has given me the skills to create a classroom blog that has contributed greatly to how I teach and make resources available to my students. I'm sure there's so much more I can do with it, but after just a year of using it, I'm amazed at the impact it has had in communication between me and my students. I can post Powerpoints and YouTube videos for them...the tagboard is available for them to ask me questions...website links are provided to support the content areas that I teach.

Here's the link so you can see what I'm talking about: http://www.sjs7thgrade.blogspot.com/

When we (the junior high teachers) first set up our blogs last fall, we found all these widgets for games to add to our blogs. I wanted to put Puzzle Bobble on mine because I LOVE that game, but I took it off...not because I thought it would distract the kids but because I was addicted to it!

Alas, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, and I'm excited to see what other modes of technology I can integrate into the curriculum. There's so much out there - it's overwhelming - but at least I'm learning.

Give us this day our daily bread

Ever since I became a teacher, I have found myself praying this prayer in a totally different way than I had known before. Eight hours a day (actually 11, when you account for prep and grading) for five days a week with 100+ students over 6 subjects can definitely take a lot out of you. But when I just let God pick up where my energy leaves off, it's a much better day.

Some highlights of the week so far:

• Upon asking donations to Catholic Relief Services for the victims in China and Myanmar, two of my 6th graders decided to set up their own lemonade stand on Sunday in the blazing heat. They raised $25 and were quite proud of themselves!
• When asking for an example of an exorcism miracle today, one of my 7th grade boys brought up the Gospel from Monday's Mass. The some of the kids even remembered more of the details from the reading than I did. Sometimes I'm not sure if they're paying attention, but they actually are!
  
• A few of the 6th graders let me know that they wished they had someone to talk to about things that are going on at home and at school, just to get advice or have someone simply listen to them. I offered an open ear because I knew how badly I needed the same guidance they were asking for...

One soul at a time

A field of daffodils...
A shore of starfish...
A garden of souls...

...stories that teach us how important it is to make a difference one person at at time.

I'm not the best teacher in the world and my classroom is definitely not perfect, but we learn together - my students and I - about the lessons life has to offer. My fellow teachers know this is true every day. Something happens that we can't necessarily see...a molding and forming of heart and conscience...a deepening of faith and an understanding of relationship...opening eyes to new ways of seeing the world in its desperate brokenness...becoming more human in the feelings we let ourselves feel and the thoughts we are brave enough to express. I, along with them, change.

My daughter will someday sit before me and read about the richness of human history, learn about the mysteries of God, inquire about the intricacies of science...and eventually she, too, will enter a classroom and continue to grow in knowledge as she discerns what direction to take in life. How I pray that she will not be afraid to use her gifts...that she will always be encouraged to go where God leads her...that I as her mother will trust the Lord enough to let her stretch her wings and fly someday.

Much is stirring in my mind, dear Jesus. Please help me sort through what I cannot grasp...
conversion...examination...preparation...evaluation...memorization...contemplation... What I do not understand is already understood. What I cannot foresee is already in the works. You have my deepest desires cradled in Your hands, O Lord. And yet, I must gaze intently on the reflection of my own soul...why do I suffer so?

Because I...am afraid.

Caught in a whirlwind of "what-ifs" that threaten to rob me of my peace...and I run to You for shelter, my God of refuge and strength...as no one can know what I am truly experiencing, I should not fear judgment...since You alone know my heart.

Whoever thought that Ebenezer Scrooge could be an instrument of grace?

Past..present...future.

I am a collection of memories...an evolution of events...a consequence of disappointments...but still so much more than just a casualty.

Mother Angelica went through it, too.

Thank you for the pieces, Lord. I'm trying my best to pay attention and I hear You. I hear what You are trying to say. And my baby...little Gary...he speaks to me, too.

"Don't give up, Mommy. Don't give up."

I see his picture on our altar...our first child...and I remember. Everything has a purpose. While we may not see it right away, God allows each given moment - bitter or sweet - to grant us a great blessing.

Thanks be to God.

p.s. I'm taking two subtests of the CSET tomorrow. Believe it or not, reviewing for this test has made me extremely excited to teach this stuff someday. Please pray that I pass!

p.p.s. And I decided to extend my credential program. Why? I got sick last week and missed three days of work. It wasn't realistic for me to cram all that work into a month and a half, on top of May Crowning, Graduation, and closing up the school year. That means I'll be at St. Jerome for another year. God's will be done...

p.p.p.s. (I know, this should just be another entry) I read this today in Raymond Arroyo's bio of Mother Angelica: "These are the kinds of things, honey, that prove God's providence. We never know where the next penny's coming from. That's what I'm trying to get through people's heads: This is an act of God."

A for Effort

"God doesn't expect us to be perfect...He just wants us to try our best."

I think I expect a lot out of myself. I suppose that's a good thing, in the sense that it contributes to a good work ethic...but sometimes I'm not realistic. Trying to do too much with limited resources (i.e., time and energy) leads to burnout (and in my case, a lupus episode).

My friends tell me that I need to let things go every once in a while...like not work so hard. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying to learn. If certain things don't get done right away, it's not a big deal. So instead of fretting about how I need to do less, I'm just making an effort to give more time to who is most important.

When I opened the front door yesterday, Meleana was going nuts...like a puppy wagging her tail because she was so happy to see me. Gary said she was laying on his chest just relaxing, and as soon as she heard me unlocking the door, she started jumping up and down. I LOOOOOVE my little kiddo. =)

She gives me slobbery kisses on the cheek, all on her own. So it's not a major milestone as noted by the nations' pediatricians, but it's groundbreaking in my book!

Done with making plans

I thought I learned my lesson years ago, but it's so easy to fall back into the old habit of trying to map out my life.

Just can't do it. The more I plan, the less control I have. But who ever said I have control in the first place?

Helllloooooo!!! Right, God, I remember now. You're the one who holds the world in Your hands. All time belongs to You, not to me. You know the future, so why am I trying to figure it out for myself?

They say, "When you want to make God laugh, start making plans."

I think God is past the point of laughter. He's shaking His head, waiting for me to get with His program.

Nothing about my life was on the To-Do list that was set up according to my own timeline. The marriage, the husband, the baby, the job, the move to LA, the Master's degree...if you told me five years ago today - May 9, 2003 - that any of this was going to happen, I would have thought you were absolutely CRAZY.

2003...wow, how things have changed...back then I was at a different place with different worries and concerns...wondering what God was going to do with me and how He was going to fix all the broken pieces of my life.

HE HAD A PLAN. He always has. Still the same God...nothing about Him has changed...and five years from now, I will look back at today and say, "Thank you, Lord. You pulled through for me once again!"

Now I'm laughing. =) What the heck am I worried about? I don't know. After thinking about it, everything is fine. Everything is perfectly fine.

Be at Peace

Prayer of St. Francis de Sales

Be at peace
Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life;
rather look to them with full hope as they arise.
God, whose very own you are,
will deliver you from out of them.
He has kept you hitherto,
and He will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will bury you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same everlasting Father who cares for you today
will take care of you then and everyday.
He will either shield you from suffering,
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

- Courtesy of Courtney, 8th grade

******************************

One of my kids reminded me that when I don't know what to do, I must pray. Of course I knew that, but I wasn't fully surrendering it all to the hands of God like I should have been.

Then Saturday happened.

I wasn't sure what the Holy Spirit would do. I did know that He would pull through for me and give me the right words, as He always had done. I didn't plan on sharing my story, but Dominic told me to so I did.

After the talk, I met four people. One amazing woman who also had lupus and was going through chemotherapy. Another woman who said thank you with the deepest sense of gratitude I had ever encountered. And the most beautiful couple who had just lost their own child in miscarriage.

Tito Tom wonders why God still calls him to put these seminars together. On Saturday, I just happened to meet his answers.

I realized that if you are going to believe in God, then you have to trust Him with your whole being. This means knowing that He's there ALWAYS taking care of all your needs. It means seeing life with the eyes of faith and recognizing people as great blessings, even if they feel like crosses.

So maybe there is a price when it comes to saying "Yes" to God, but the miracles you get to witness and the joy that fills your heart when you experience His power and love are definitely worth the sacrifices.

Praise God also for my family...for my super-duper wonderful husband and my super-duper happy baby girl...for the people who help me grow in virtue...for my mom and my brother and my sisters and their husbands...for my niece and nephews...and for the Kings whose home provides enough smiles and laughter to make up for some pretty rough days.

God really is good all the time.

Penance

How the Lord knows our hearts and tells us what we need to hear...

Psalm 118

Let those who fear the LORD say,
“His mercy endures forever.”

If God will continue to forgive me, then I need to show as much mercy as I receive.

I was hard pressed and was falling,
but the LORD helped me.
My strength and my courage is the LORD,
and he has been my savior.

There is no reason to fear or be distressed. He has carried me through more difficult situations. Remember...remember how He has been there...

This is the day the LORD has made;
let us be glad and rejoice in it.

Blessings abound on even the worst days. If I'm so caught up in what is going wrong, how can I see all that is going right?

And I kept reading...

1Peter 1:3-9

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,
kept in heaven for you who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith,
to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time.

The inheritance is waiting for me. My day of rest will come, if I can just stay faithful...

In this you rejoice, although now for a little while
you may have to suffer through various trials,
so that the genuineness of your faith,
more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire,
may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor
at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

This life isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. I need to be challenged, otherwise my spirit will grow lax. It's just for a little while compared to all eternity...

Although you have not seen him you love him;
even though you do not see him now yet believe in him,
you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy,
as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Can I offer Him a sacrifice of praise? Can I love Him, and believe in Him, and thank Him with the love and faith and gratitude that God alone deserves?

******************************

Dear Jesus,

My heart is being pulled in so many directions. I have a great desire to serve, but I am so easily distracted and it is difficult for me to see what I must do.

You made me a teacher and placed within me a deep love for my students. I have cared for them as my own, striving to share with them the riches and truths of Your Church. I have spent hours upon hours pouring into them all that You have taught me. I have loved nothing more than to see them grow in faith and come to know You as their Lord and friend.

Now I am a wife and mother who longs so much to be at home with my husband and daughter. How painful it is to realize that I don't feel like a mom because work and school take up all of my time. The most I have been able to give my baby are the nights we spend lying next to each other with her resting in the crook of my arm as she has done since the day she was born.

I ask You, dear Jesus, to please show me what You want me to do. I woke up this morning not wanting to leave, but when I sat with one of my girls who needed consolation from a terrible loss, I knew that St. Jerome is where I needed to be...at least for today.

I know I need to be patient. When it's time to leave, I'm sure You'll let me know. You always do. I will wait and trust, and I will give You my heart so you may do with it what You will. We both know that it needs some work...

Love

I had my eighth graders reflect on their definition of love. One of them added this at the end...

"Sometimes you might think someone does not love you.....remember this..... 'If someone does not love you the way you want them to, it does not mean they do not love you the best way they know how.' "

Wow.

Do the right thing

It's not easy to teach middle school students...but when you have those teachable moments and they are better people because of it, you know you're making a difference.

I'm doing better. Still tired, but I'm feeling a bit more encouraged today.

Thank you, Holy Spirit. I owe this one to you...

Hanging by a thread

Breathe...take a deep breath and just breathe. But I want to cry and I don't even know how to just let go and let God. Relax...how? So much to do...barely hanging on...but still believing that He's there. Looking for something...answers to my questions...more questions that never really go away...but it's all right. Nothing's going wrong because I'm surrounded by blessings...I can't forget that. After consuming His Precious Blood, I felt His Spirit fill me...for that moment the exhaustion fled. And then I think about tomorrow...

Oh, Lord...hear my prayer...I really need you right now.

One Day at a Time

Lots going on right now...the last few months have been a real adjusting period...but life is different these days.

I'm still working at St. Jerome. I'm finishing up my Masters/credential at LMU. I have a daughter and a husband I wish I could spend more time with.

"How are you able to do it?" a classmate asked me this morning, who also happens to have a three-month-old daughter of his own.

I admitted to feeling overwhelmed, but I told him that I had to take things one day at a time. There was no sense worrying about everything I had to get done...I just had to do it. That's what my dad taught me when he was alive.

A couple of weeks ago, I was so stressed out. I felt guilty about not being able to do it all, and then I realized that I couldn't be Superwoman. I had to let go of my own expectations and stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the perfect teacher, wife, mother, sister, and friend. I hoped people would understand, and I could only be grateful for the support that Gary was giving me through it all.

To top it all off, I felt so disconnected from God. I forgot how to talk to Him, and most of all, I couldn't hear Him because I was too busy.

So I decided to put Him first.

After watching Facing the Giants again with my 7th graders, I remembered how important it was to pray...not just in class with the kids and at night before I went to bed...but every moment...every chance I got. I was no longer concerned that my spiritual life had changed dramatically from being full of mysticism to being nothing but complete silence.

I just started talking to Him again. Even if I didn't hear anything right away, I just gave Him my time because He deserved it.

Then viola! the peace returned.

We had a chance to vent today in class...about anything...and I wanted to. But I didn't. I didn't feel like I had to anymore.

I'm actually starting to enjoy the process that life is, even if it's been very challenging.

So all in all, I can't neglect my spirit and I can't stop praying. Because if I do, I'll fall apart. I have to believe that He's there for me.

I have so much more to write, but I've got a RICA review session to go to now.

'Til next time...

Change the World

"Sanctify yourself and you will sanctify society."

– St. Francis of Assisi

I prayed for more grace today as I waited to receive communion at our school Mass. Thank you, Lord. I think I got it. =)

Welcome to the World - 10/14/07

Night Prayer

I'm up and can't go back to sleep...so much started filling my head...good things this time.

My fears have been getting the better of me lately, but I was just reading a couple of nights ago that being afraid and anxious, especially during the last stages of pregnancy, could contribute to a difficult childbirth. So I've been praying more...talking to Jesus...praying for our baby and letting the little one know that I love him/her.

The anxiety had driven me to call upon the help of my guardian angel as well, since we just celebrated the Feast of the Guardian Angels last Tuesday and it was a topic in 6th grade Religion this week. Leilani told me before I lost little Gary that I don't have to feel lonely when I'm by myself because I'll always have the baby and my guardian angel with me. Six-year-olds (at least this one...who is now 7 and growing) have great moments of inspiration to share when you really need them.

I miss my family.

Even though I love coming back to Culver City and going back to work to teach the kids, I get very reminiscent of the times I had with my sisters, brother, mom, and niece when I was living in Buena Park. Things are different now that everyone has their own families and their lives have taken on new directions, but at least I have these entries to read again and again to recall those memories that mean the most.

I've been too busy to update lately, and there's so much to thank God for these last couple of weeks.

• Lyn-lyn and Mike had their baby - Joseph Leo - on September 23rd!
• Jenn and Dave had their baby - Shane Matthew - on October 1st!
• My pharmacist at Walmart in BP is pregnant! She's had problems conceiving for a few years and having a miscarriage also...she's now due a month after me!
• Finding out that one of my coworkers at SJS who left last year is also expecting
• Watching another pregnant coworker's tummy growing very nicely =)

I've been praying for two of my classmates at LMU who are also trying to start their families - one who has been married for 6 years and another who lost her baby early on last year, too.

In a world that does not offer much safety and security for children to grow up in these days, it is very encouraging to see how much hope couples have to continue to want to be parents. Feeling my own child move within me and nearing the date of arrival, I make promises to myself and to God that I will do my best to raise him/her to love good and shun evil...and I become more aware that we need to give life a chance to flourish through souls who will shine His light. But what kind of future would we have if we never gave these children the opportunity to live? And so I also pray for parents who battle every day against society's negative influences and strive to protect the purity and faith in their families.

"It is not easy," my mom would tell me, "but it is definitely worth it."

Every day that I get up and teach my students, I renew the commitment I have to support the important role parents have to play in the formation of their children. I understand the challenges my kids face as teenagers, but I also advocate for their well-being and they know it.

This past Wednesday after the surprise baby shower from the SJS Faculty and Staff, I walked up to the backyard, only to find my 7th graders - amidst balloons, streamers, food and gifts - blowing party horns and yelling out, "HAPPY BABY SHOWER!!!" Two showers in a row...back to back...I think it took me a good 20 minutes to get over the shock. =)

One of the first things they handed to me was a letter from them to the baby to read when he/she is about 10 years old. I have to share it with you because it made me cry...

Dear Young Reader,

Class of 2009 wants you to know that you have an amazing mother. She has taught us so much and has been there for each of us as individuals. It is as if she is also our mother along with yours. As you grow up, you wil realize what we are talking about. Your mom will teach you everything that you need to know, just as she has done with us. We hate to see her leave for her maternity leave, but as she sacrificed for us, we must for her. Just know that if you follow the examples of your mother, you will be successful in life. Always remember that before you can get to Heaven, you have to live your life holy on earth. Learn from your mistakes, and know that God will always love you. Avoid temptation, for is can lead to sin, but remember that temptation itself is not a sin, for we are only human. Live life truly happy, and don't hold on to things; this means that fame and fortune aren't always the richest things. Carry love wherever you go, but don't be selfish, and share the love to those who need it. Listen to your mother, she loves you very much, and so do the people who have awaited your coming!

God bless you,

Class of 2009

My students are probably more excited about the baby than anyone else I know and I have to be grateful for their prayers and support. When my first year at SJS ended in June, I missed them so much...I think I had withdrawals for a week after school got out. They and my coworkers have been my family out here in LA, and I do love them all so much. It overwhelms me to think about how much greater my heart will expand when I lay my eyes on my own baby for the first time and see the joy on my husband's face.

With such a blessed meeting to look forward to, what reason is there to be afraid?

May God be with us.

+AMDG+

"It is not particularly difficult to find thousands who will spend two or three hours a day exercising, but if you ask them to bend their knees to God for five minutes of prayer, they protest that it is too long."
– Bishop Fulton Sheen

I think I saw a foot!

After school I looked down at my tummy and saw (and felt!) something protruding next to my belly button! I lightly massaged the area and the baby moved his/her foot back with the rest of his/her body. That was pretty cool. =)

The first week of school went really well. Aside from being a little tired and having swollen feet from standing all day, I must say that I am so glad to be back with the kids and my coworkers. I'm having a great time trying new things in my classroom and I'm looking forward to the many opportunities I will have to use what I learned in my Ed Psych class from LMU Summer Session.

I haven't had a teacher who has inspired me that way in a long time. Dr. Binfet sparked a new passion for so many different aspects of teaching that I am incredibly grateful for having been taught by him. This guy COMMUTES from Canada to Los Angeles just for his classes on the weekends, and now I see why the school does not want to let him go. Amazing man. He's a farmer and a principal of a small community school, and he has this way with people that makes you feel so comfortable and open to experiencing new things. I've always loved being a teacher, but now that love is reaching a whole new level...and that is exciting.

Good times.

I could use some ice cream right about now...

Streets of NYC