His words of encouragement

Brothers and sisters:
In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood.
You have also forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as children:
My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord
or lose heart when reproved by him;
for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines;
he scourges every son he acknowledges.
Endure your trials as “discipline”;
God treats you as his sons.
For what “son” is there whom his father does not discipline?
At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain,
yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who are trained by it.

So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees.
Make straight paths for your feet,
that what is lame may not be dislocated but healed.

Strive for peace with everyone,
and for that holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
See to it that no one be deprived of the grace of God,
that no bitter root spring up and cause trouble,
through which many may become defiled.
( Hebrews 12:18-19,21-24)

Light

Alone in the dark

A desp'rate life of begging

Will it ever end?

Crowds of people here

He gently rubs my blind eyes

Sends me to wash them

A gift I received

No one believes me - I see!

Have you met Him, too?

Grant me, O Lord my God, a mind to know you, a heart to seek you, wisdom to find you, conduct pleasing to you, faithful perseverance in waiting for you, and a hope of finally embracing you.
– St. Thomas Aquinas

What am I Looking For Again?

His will. I've wanted to find His will. The problem is that I've been looking everywhere except for in my own heart.

Hi, God. It's me again. I know it's been a while...

I feel like I'm going into an IR monologue.

The dreams. I can't figure out what they mean. At least the ones that I can't clearly remember when I wake up. The ones that have left me tired when I wake up. And a little sad.

Talking to myself in the car on the way home, trying to make sense out of this search. I've been with you, but I haven't been able to find you.

Pieces of my life are scattered all over the place. That's how I feel because people who used to mean so much and influence so much are out there somewhere not a part of my life anymore.

I used to talk to my friends about detachment. I went through the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises and should be some sort of a pseudo-expert on the matter (or not)...but whatever the case may be, I'm suddenly wondering why I'm experiencing this "disconnectedness".

You just let go, right? You just move on, right?

It's not that easy.

But life...it never stays the same. It's so incredibly fluid...like water...because it's moving and growing and changing.

New people come into my world - new students, new coworkers, new strangers who become friends - and they're all great, like all the ones who came before them were great.

Maybe I just want to be like God and always be connected to everybody all the time.

But then Jesus didn't even have that luxury while he was here on earth. He was limited to time and space.

He had to leave his mother. He had to leave his friends. He even had to accept the murder of his own cousin.

He loved everybody, but he served the one right there in front of him.

He connected with the poor and the sick. He healed some of them, but not all of them. But his encounters with each of them - as simple as they were - were unforgettable. Why? Because he was WITH them. For that day, for that hour, for those few minutes...he was really with them.

So at least I can say that I've had those "Jesus-moments" with you, too. All the souls I have been so blessed to have grown up with and prayed with...cried with and laughed with. At least I have been able to share those days, those hours, those minutes with you.

I pray for you all often. Every day, actually. You might not think that I remember you, but I do. Your faces have been painted on the canvas of my heart because I once looked into your eyes and saw Him.

So wherever I go, I take you with me...you, in this communion of saints He brought into my life.

A Day to Remember, A Dream Come True

The blessing of God

of faith, hope, and love

uniting two lives as one

as a witness to His goodness

a sacrifice to be shared

surrounded by joy

reminding us all of what happens when we trust

in the Plan from above

The deepest desire of our Church

O God our Father, You promised "I will appoint shepherds for My sheep who will shepherd them so that they need no longer fear and tremble; and none shall be missing."(Jer. 23:4-5). Hear our prayers to call to the sacramental priesthood generous men who will desire nothing more than to serve You in imitation of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, our High Priest.

O Jesus, Good Shepherd, bless all parishes with numerous priests, deacons, men and women religious, consecrated laity and missionaries, according to the needs of the entire world.

Guide the steps of those who have responded generously to Your call and are preparing to receive Holy Orders or to profess the evangelical counsels. And after You call them, we pray that You sustain the doubtful, console the discouraged, and strengthen the weak as they start the long and demanding preparation for the priesthood.

Look with love on so many well-disposed people, young and old, and call them to follow You. To this end we call on the powerful intercession of Mary, mother and model of vocations.Mary, Mother of priests, and example of faithful, humble, and joyful acceptance of God's will, help all those who are called to the priesthood to open their ears and hearts to the gentle call of the Holy Spirit.

Lord Jesus, grant saintly priests to the world, priests who live close to the Eucharist, who have a deep spiritual life, who work and suffer, yet with a joyful heart; priests who dedicate each minute of their lives for the salvation of souls and Your Kingdom.

In Your Holy Name we pray. Amen.

Waking up from the dark night

"No devotion to the saints is more acceptable and more proper than if you strive to express their virtues." - Erasmus, Dutch scholar

Faith and Fortitude

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

Advent is above all the "sacrament" of the Presence of God in the world and in time in his Incarnate Word, in his kingdon, above all his presence in our own lives as our Savior... Three reasons for our misery and helplessness:

• We are deceived in our judgments of good and evil
• Our attempts to do good fail, lead to nothing
• We do not succeed in our efforts to resist evil

The presence of Christ in us overcomes these obstacles. By faith he dwells in our heart and shows us how to judge between good and evil. He cannot deceive nor be deceived. He is the wisdom of God, always ready to teach us. Yet in order to have his light. we must use the grace he gives us to turn to him in our difficulties. By fortitude he strengthens our weakness, so that we can do all things in him. He never grows tired, for he is the power of God, ever ready to revive us and lift us up. But we must call upon him for help in our batttles. Finally, he "stands for" us, he resists within us. If he be for us, who can be against us?

The secret of spiritual fortitude is for us to abandon ourselves to Christ, the power of God, and then he himself will overcome evil and deliver us from forces that we would never be capable of resisting by ourselves. This is the fortitude of faith.

Christ lives in the world in those who take him for their light, their strength and their protection. It is for them that he came into the world in his Incarnation.

"It's okay, Mommy. It's okay."

There is no pain greater than losing a child. It doesn't matter how young or old the child was, or whether you ever got to see him or hold her. He was still your baby. She was still your child.

I knew there was life growing inside of me even before the test read Pregnant. And somehow I knew when that same life had gone, leaving me with an immense feeling of sadness I had never known before. I tried to stay hopeful, but I knew. We wouldn't get to meet our baby in July. Our reunion would have to wait until the eternal someday.

Last night, the worst had passed. However, the events of the day unfolded before I even opened my eyes. It began with a dream - we were holding a baby boy, who looked much like my nephew Jacob...but after sometime I realized it was our baby boy, and I felt so complete with Gary and my son. We were together - so happy and peaceful, enjoying each other's company just as any other family would.

Then I awoke to the symptoms I had been hearing of...facing the fear I dreaded the most...trying to prepare myself for something I felt would inevitably come. Gary and I had talked about it. We even gave the disclaimer when we shared the good news that there would be risk. But as much as you try to prepare, you really can't. It still hurt. It still broke my heart, and it broke his, too.

At least we got a picture. Our doctor was able to find the baby in the ultrasound this time, but he warned us that I was probably already in the beginning stages of a miscarriage. He gave us a copy of the scan as a memento of our baby, and he said that we would look back at this time five years from now and be grateful for the support we gave each other through such a difficult circumstance.

We struggled with the painful emotions of loss throughout the day, trying to come to grips with the reality of it all. I cried. Gary cried. Our family had been crying tears for us, knowing what it felt like to also lose little ones. It came to the point where I didn't think my heart could feel more emptier. I couldn't help but be sad, even if I tried to be strong. Nothing anyone could say or do would bring the baby back to life, and it felt like this feeling would never go away. My insides were screaming so loudly but all I could do was cry, until I heard his voice.

"It's okay, Mommy. It's okay. Don't worry, Mommy. Everything will be all right."

His little soul spoke to mine because God knew that it was his voice I needed to hear at my deepest point of despair. The sobbing calmed as Gary and Leilani held me close, and I told them that the baby was talking to me.

It was then that we named him "Little Gary".

Our baby helped me through the emotional and spiritual pain so that I would be able to endure the physical pain that would soon follow just an hour later. For an hour and a half, I waited and prayed through the whole ordeal under the care of my family and the specialized coaching of my sister Emeline. Everything she said would happen did. I don't know what I would have done without them all.

After it was all over, Gary and I sat with each other on the hallway floor and thanked God that it was done. As hard as it was, the whole day couldn't have gone more smoothly, considering. And we attribute it to the mercy and love of God poured upon us through the prayers of our family and friends who have lifted us up every day since they found out about the pregnancy.

I realized last weekend as I sat at the funeral Mass of Audrey, Damian, Elise, and Gianna, that life is so temporary. There's nothing about it that we can control. In the homily, the priest said that sometimes you find a rose that buds but never blooms, as so it is also in the garden of souls. We never understand why a life doesn’t get to run its full course but we can only trust in the grace that God has given for that life to live at all.

I had long looked for roses as signs throughout my faith journey, and it comforted me to hear Father use St. Therese's expression of the "garden of souls". It was on that Saturday that my heart was enlightened to know...

Our baby - Little Gary - is our rose.

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

- Courtesy of Fr. Fernando

Father Cantalamessa on Holiness

Pontifical Household Preacher on All Saints' Day

ROME, OCT. 31, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Here is a translation of a commentary by the Pontifical Household preacher, Capuchin Father Raniero Cantalamessa, on the readings from the feast of All Saints.

* * *

Holiness Is Not a Luxury ...
Revelation 7:2-4,9-14; John 3:1-3; Matthew 5:1-12a

The saints the liturgy celebrates on this solemnity are not only those canonized by the Church and mentioned in our calendars. They are all those who are saved and form the heavenly Jerusalem. Speaking of the saints, St. Bernard said: "Let us not be slow in imitating those we are happy to celebrate." It is, therefore, the ideal occasion to reflect on the "universal call of all Christians to holiness."

The first thing to do in speaking about holiness is to free the word from the fear it inspires, due to some mistaken representations that we make of it. Holiness can entail extraordinary phenomena, but it is not identified with them. If all are called to holiness it is because, properly understood, it is within everyone's reach, it is part of the normality of the Christian life.

God is the "only Holy One" and "the source of all holiness." When one attempts to see how man enters into the sphere of God's holiness and what it means to be holy, the ritualistic idea in the Old Testament immediately prevails in one's mind.

The means of God's holiness are objects, places, rites and prescriptions. Heard, it is true, especially in the prophets and the Psalms, are different voices, exquisitely moral, but voices that remain isolated. In Jesus' time, the idea still prevailed among the Pharisees that holiness and justice consist in ritual purity and scrupulous observance of the law.

Looking at the New Testament, we see profound changes. Holiness does not reside in the hands, but in the heart; it is not decided outside but within man, and it is summarized in charity.

The mediators of God's holiness are no longer places (the Temple of Jerusalem or the Mountain of the Beatitudes), rites, objects or laws, but a person, Jesus Christ. In Jesus Christ is the very holiness of God that comes to us in person, not in a distant reverberation of his. He is "the Holy One of God" (John 6:69).

We come into contact with Christ's holiness in two ways, and it is communicated to us: by appropriation and by imitation. Holiness is above all a gift, grace. Given that we belong to Christ more than to ourselves, having been "purchased at great price," it follows from this, inversely, that the holiness of Christ belongs to us more than our own holiness. It is what gives flight to the spiritual life.

Paul teaches how this "audacious blow" is given when he states solemnly that he does not want to be found with a righteousness of his own, or holiness based on observance of the law, but only with that which is through faith in Christ (Philippians 3:5-10). Christ, he says, has made himself "our righteousness and sanctification and redemption" (1 Corinthians 1:30). He is "for us": therefore, for all intents and purposes, we can claim his holiness as our own.

Along with this fundamental means of the faith and the sacraments, imitation must also have a place, that is, personal effort and good works. Not as a separate and different means, but as the only appropriate means to manifest the faith, translating it into act.

When Paul writes: "For this is the will of God, your sanctification," it is clear that he understands precisely this holiness which is the fruit of personal commitment. He adds, in fact, as though to explain in what the sanctification he is talking about consists: "that you abstain from immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor" (1 Thessalonians 4:3-9).

"There is but one sadness in the world, and it is not to be saints," said Leon Bloy, and Mother Teresa was right when a journalist asked her point-blank how she felt being acclaimed as being holy around the world, and she answered: "Holiness is not a luxury; it is a necessity."

The name of Mary on their lips

As a missionary, Father Louis De Montfort found himself in a boat going up the River Seine packed with at least 200 people, who were joking coarsely and singing lustful songs. Hardly had he spent a few moments in the company of these shady horse dealers and fishmongers, when Father De Montfort adjusted his crucifix to the end of his walking stick. He then prostrated himself on the floor of the boat and exclaimed, "May those who love Jesus Christ join me in prayer."

His companions shrugged their shoulders and sniggered at this invitation. So, turning to Brother Nicholas, the Saint ordered, "On your knees and we shall recite our Rosary!" Under an avalanche of gibes, the two men, their heads bared and their faces solemn, recited the Ave Marias. After the first Rosary, the priest stood up and in a soft voice again invited the assistance to join him in prayer. Nobody moved, but the booing calmed down as the prayers began. After the invocation "Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners" had been repeated several times, the face of De Montfort was transfigured.

When the next Rosary had been completed, there was such earnest supplication in the expression on the Saint's face, and his voice had taken on such sweetness and authority that, when he entreated his companions to recite a third Rosary with him, everyone fell on their knees and repeated the sweet words, which they had forgotten since childhood. The holy priest could only be delighted: from a brothel of obscenities he had made a Marian shrine. On lips accustomed to saying blasphemies, he had brought back the name of Mary.


Taken from the Marian Collection 1975


Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you! Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Hear Mass daily; it will prosper the whole day. All your duties will be performed the better for it, and your soul will be stronger to bear its daily cross. The Mass is the most holy act of religion; you can do nothing that can give greater glory to God or be more profitable for your soul than to hear Mass both frequently and devoutly. It is the favorite devotion of the saints.
– St. Peter Julian Eymard

It's in your weakest moments that you often don't realize how great you really are.

Don't fight the beauty...the love...the hope...the faith...the God who lies within you.

Pray. Always.

"We are at Jesus' disposal. If he wants you to be sick in bed, if he wants you to proclaim His work in the street, if he wants you to clean the toilets all day, that's all right, everything is all right. We must say, 'I belong to you. You can do whatever you like.' And this is our strength, and this is the joy of the Lord."
– Bl. Teresa of Calcutta

Until next time

The door that welcomed me...


The heart who served with me...


The sisters who inspired me...


Never knowing what to expect but always expecting to find Him there.

100% commitment.

+BiL

I miss blogging

Now that I'm out in Culver City, I don't really get to see anyone or talk to them that much. The visits home are becoming less frequent and everyone's lives are so busy that it's hard to find time to even catch up on the phone. Mommy called me last week because she hadn't heard from me in a while...I think she was a little worried. First month out of the house was hard, but it's so easy for me to get caught up with work and let it distract me. And of course there are days when the tears start welling up in my eyes because I'm having "Leilani withdrawals". =)

At the same time, I'm growing to really like the change.

I like how my days are so simple. While I was still on vacation, I would hang out at the apartment just getting settled in...driving to Buena Park a few times a week...meeting Gary back home for dinner and walking to Mass everyday at 5:30. I love how we live so close to a church. It's something I always wanted. Being that we can't live on Juan St. In Hawaiian Gardens, this is the next best thing for now. Then we'll have dinner and hang out, get ready for bed, pray and go to sleep.

This past week was pretty hectic because we started faculty meetings at St. Jerome on Monday and school on Wednesday. Honestly, I was really nervous and a little overwhelmed because I forgot how much there is to do as a Junior High Catholic school teacher, but after the first day I remembered how much I loved it. I have 37 seventh graders, plus the 6th and 8th graders for Religion. Going from one section of 10 freshmen at Verb to a class size that big was a little scary for me since I haven't been in that kind of classroom environment for three years, but once I learned all their names, it was great.

I'm excited.

It might take me some time to get a routine down because I can't be working 10-11 hours every day for the rest of the school year. Once I've built my curriculum, though, it should get better. These upcoming weeks will be the real challenge when we're going for full days. Please pray that my energy stays up...

All in all, I'm happy.

I wonder about how my boys are doing at Verb, though. And I miss chatting with Jana and Brandi and Br. Rich whenever they would come to visit the Student Life Center. Michael sent me an email the other day...it made me smile. They all just have their special way of tugging at your heart strings. Amazing how just a few years at that school had made such a big difference to me.

I feel so blessed that I want to cry. Gary's deep sense of appreciation is rubbing off on me because he's said that before, too.

God brought all the pieces together just like He said He would.

At the Days Retreat last weekend while talking to Pia, I discovered all that I had been searching for during my own retreat was given to me so generously wrapped in the love of God. For all the hurt that my heart was experiencing and the weakness my body had to endure...for all the anxiety and uncertainty I couldn't seem to shake...He had filled me to overflowing with the grace of truly understanding "Basta Ikaw". Three and a half years later, I knelt there in front of Him so grateful for the consolation I had received through the many people who have been part of my walk...most of whom were present on the day that I would seal my commitment with Gary to God.

Tito Raol said it best: "Now there are two of you, not only one." It sounds like such a simple statement but I knew exactly what he meant by it. I'm strengthened and sanctified by him, more so in the realization that there is so much we can do together. Granted that there will be times when physically he cannot be with me, nor I with him, it is this love that has helped me open my heart to the world again.

Lourdes coral grotto at St. Michael's, Kona, HI

So nice to be back...

...in the Disco
...in the classroom
...at home with my family.

I'd spent most of my life trying to find a place where I belonged. This past week I realized that everything about where I'm at and who I'm with feels so incredibly "right". Like this is how it was all planned out.

And it was.

A few years ago when I had so many questions about my future, people would tell me, "Maybe God's doing something really special for you. He's got something exciting waiting for you...someone who will love you...a life filled with joy...a vocation to do something great. Maybe He'll let you do it all...everything you've always wanted to do."

I didn't understand back then.

Now it couldn't be more clear.

My life has changed so much during the past few months, but somehow - strangely enough - much of it has stayed the same.

I love being married. It comes with a lot of adjustments, especially for me...but it's true, there is a lot of grace in the Sacrament. I can't say too much about it right now, except that I'm so glad God gave me the courage to trust Him. It's been a beautiful journey with Gary so far. We have our challenges, like everyone does, but God really helps us get past them and learn from what we experience together.

So tonight I say thank you, and I pray for the continuous gratitude that will keep our relationship strong.

Is this somebody else's movie?

We're still in the very surreal state...

Exactly 14 more hours to go.

It's like we're getting ready for some other person's event. Watching a movie...feeling like you're there with the character...in the character's shoes...feeling what they feel...thinking what they think...seeing what they see...but it's not you.

That's what this feels like.

My mom was laughing because she said two years ago we didn't even know each other.

Now look at us. =)

I cried in Mass today because Leilani was praying next to me. It was another cleansing. Confession helped a lot. So did seeing everybody's smiling faces at the rehearsal. They're all so happy for us. This is absolutely amazing.

Favorite sight of the night: Elijah being super-excited to walk down the aisle. He was so ready to go!

And Leilani wrote on her whiteboard: VERY 100% HAPPY. That's how excited she is about the wedding, too, she said. She drew a picture of herself under it with pigtails, just like she'll have it in the wedding.

I need to stop. There are people I need to talk to. Slowly, B.anne. Just take it all in...

Go to sleep...

I know, I know. I'm caught up doing little things that I shouldn't put off because they'll keep me up tomorrow and Friday. Might as well make the sacrifice now, I figured.

Everytime I find myself dragging my feet through something, especially if it has something to do with the wedding planning, I always find myself saying inside, "This is for Gary. I want this to be special because he's that special to me."

The spirit of "Basta Ikaw"...it never really leaves you.

Once a Dazer, always a Dazer. Though I'm still kind of a newbie, I really appreciate how it's becoming more integrated into my life. It helps that Gary had gone through the retreat as well because since his batch, I seem to be reminded even more than ever before of the love Kuya Jess has for me and everyone else in this world.

Fourth Day frustrations aren't so bad anymore.

Things come up that could be potential "mountains made out of molehills" but it feels like - especially recently - that He's carrying me through those moments.

Three more days.

I promised to give myself permission to feel. Too distracted because I've been so busy. I want to feel something about all of this...moving out...giving my life to my husband-to-be...seeing friends and family praying with us during Mass...embarking on a new adventure...spending two weeks in Hawaii. There's so much going on and, like I keep saying, I don't want it to just pass me by.

Dear Lord, if there was a way you could slow things down a bit, that would be great...just like you did the night he gave me the letter and the day he proposed...just like you have when we've taken a whole afternoon to ourselves just to hang out and talk.

I want to be able to remember and experience every moment.

The dreams - are they done yet? Can they be? I think I'm done. They've taken so much of my energy...I want to be able to give all my attention to where it belongs...to you and to him alone...that's all.

Thank you, Lord. It's all behind me now.

Good night...............