If a little flower could speak

"It seems to me that if a little flower could speak, it would tell simply what God has done for it without trying to hide its blessings. It would not say, under the pretext of a false humility, it is not beautiful or without perfume, that the sun has taken away its splendor and the storm has broken its stem when it knows that all this is untrue."
- St. Therese, Story of a Soul

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Dear Jesus,
I pray for the grace to share the goodness You have given me in a way that considers the various paths walked by my family and friends. Sometimes I find myself afraid of offending others, but how can they take offense when Your message is presented to them with love? I do not speak for the sake of speaking but for the sake of souls...that they, too, will have the chance to know how wonderful You are.

Since I have been engaged, I have been asked many times how the planning has been going. I tell my friends that the events of the wedding continue to evolve, with God directing each detail. The honeymoon, however, it taken care of and nothing is left to be done.

As it is in my walk with You, Lord.

On our wedding day, Gary and I will leave the single life and devote our married life to each other and to You. In the moment when we make our vows, nothing else will matter but the spoken words of the covenant between us. God will have brought us to that point and cleared the path for which He has planned and for which we have chosen. The "How" in the getting there only having been orchestrated by His design.

And so I live also trusting that the day will come when He will call me from this place and bring me into union with Him. The Divine Will in place and each circumstance used to draw me closer to Him. Heaven will be waiting for me, as there is nothing more I can do but hope for it and look forward to finally being with my Creator - the Love that has poured Himself into everything and everyone I have ever cherished on this earth. At last, I will be complete.

Singing of Your mercies, as St. Therese does so unashamedly, I say, "Thank You" for blessing me so. Too few people in this world rejoice in the treasures they have received. I want to follow You and be that flower...the little one that silently gives You glory...the one that is looked upon with a smile as only those who are in tune and paying attention will stop to notice.

Yet even if no others can see me, You do. I will simply live my life reaching up to You, my Jesus - my Sun - and offer You my presence.

Amen.

"When virtue is present , we imitate it; when it is absent, we long for it; It is crowned in eternity for having triumphed in the blameless struggle." (Wisdom 4:2)

Take My Hand

by KRY
I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
wih a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

Chorus:
take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown

just like a child
holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

Hebrews 11

The Good Lord's Mercy

"I find myself at a period in my life when I can glance on the past; my soul has matured in the crucible of interior and exterior trials. And now like a flower strengthened by the storm, I can raise my head and see the words of Psalm 22 realized in me: 'The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want; he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. Even though I was through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for thou art with me...' To me the Lord has always been 'merciful and good, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love' (Ps 102:8)"
- St. Therese of Lisieux, Story of a Soul

******************************

It is time that I read again, five years later, the words that once changed my life...for now, different passages call out to my soul. In 2001 I was able to appreciate St. Therese's deep desire for God's love. Today, I can relish in her trials and the lessons that had come out of them. The beauty of purification is insurmountable. We cannot expect to live like Christ and not suffer some hardship. No, I would not trade my crosses for someone else's...nor would I wish that their weight was lighter...for God has used every bit of pain to draw out the truth of who I am. This no longer is something I can shut my eyes and my heart to because to deny it is to deny the very Spirit who lives within me. As the Jews revere the only Wall left standing of their once glorious Temple, I must look to the remnants of my faith...of my own once-upon-a-time...and hold fast to what He has given me. All is not lost. It never has been.

A Plan and a Purpose

Why I Choose to Teach at a Catholic School

A paper mache crucifix made in Art class that has been a prop for many a retreat talk. An origami nun I have kept in my checkbook for four years. A Miraculous Medal I have worn around my neck since 2002. Rose petals found that have served as reminders to hope in the prayers we persistently offer up through the intercession of the Saints. Letters, notes, drawings, and cards placed in my hands to tell me that I am in the right place.

I teach at a Catholic school because these gifts are the fruit of lessons in Scripture, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and discussions centered on the universal call to holiness. Five years ago, I thought I ended up as a Catholic school teacher by chance. My students have proven that there is no such thing. God ordains every step and provides every opportunity to know Him, love Him, and serve Him in some of the most unexpected ways. So when I came to understand why these children needed me, I discovered what St. Teresa of Avila meant when she said that Christ has no hands on earth but ours. That is when I adopted Jesus as my Master Teacher.

Learning the ways of the Lord in His teaching ministry helped me go beyond textbook knowledge and bring the curriculum to life. Many of my students began to realize that their grades and test scores were not the ultimate end but the means to where they needed to go – that heaven was their goal and everything they did, no matter how seemingly insignificant, would lead them closer to it or farther away.

I will never forget a conversation I had with one of my boys, Nick, who could not get motivated enough to do his homework but would draw me pictures and write beautiful prayers about his deep love for God. He said he wanted to be an architect, so I reminded him that there was a reason for what was necessary to accomplish. This was important because one day, God might need him to build a beautiful church so others could pray and worship Him. Somehow, that clicked. Nick finally saw a glimpse of the big picture.

I found such joy in guiding young souls to the truth of who they really were as children of God – children who would grow into adults that made a difference in the world around them. It was most encouraging to know that the kids were going home and teaching their younger brothers and sisters how to pray the Rosary and leading the prayers when close relatives would pass away. Parents would approach me with light in their eyes and smiles on their faces, as their faith was also being renewed through the witness of their own young boys and girls.

This I can only attribute to the grace and mercy of God. I gave my “Yes” but He has done the rest. It has been my greatest privilege to share in the lives of my students and their families…to laugh with them and cry with them…to watch them grow and see them off in hopes that they will someday pass on what I gave them to those who need it the most.

Had I never been chosen by Him to feed His sheep, my heart would not be so full nor would my life be this rich. +AMDG+

- Ms. Marianne Soratorio

It All Starts with God

Re-reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

"...focusing on ourselves will never reveal our life's purpose."

"You could reach all your personal goals, becoming a raving success by the world's standard, and still miss the purposes for which God created you."

"You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many other parts of your life, but you don't get to choose your purpose."

Point to Ponder: It's not about me.

Verse to Remember: "Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him." (Col 1:16b)

Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

My response:
I think I would make a mess of my life if it was totally up to me. Hmm...let me make that a more positive statement. I think God truly saves me from A LOT. A lot of heartache, a lot of despair, a lot of bad situations that I could potentially make much worse. Though I believe that I've had my share of hardships, He is the reason why I still can open my heart to love people...why I get up in the morning to go to work...why I can watch the news and read about the world's horrific events with some glimmer of faith that somehow some good is coming out of it all.

As far as my purpose...I don't know that I fully understand that yet. Day One says that we should look to the Bible and ask God what our purpose is. The chapter ends with saying that I'm about to walk into the light. At various times in my life, I thought I knew. When I walked off the campus of St. Paul of the Cross and onto the grounds of Verbum Dei, I thought I knew. When I served at St. Pius, I thought I knew. When I shadowed the Carmelite life, I thought I knew. But it is only God - not me - who can see the Big Picture.

So what am I doing reading this book again?

I need to be reminded, especially now. Especially when I have days like I have had lately when I question what I'm doing here and I doubt that it makes much of a difference. I need to be consoled with the fact that I was placed in this world on purpose...with purpose...for somebody...or a Bigger Someone...to do something great.

But first I need to understand who it is what really loves me before I wholeheartedly can love Him back. My seeking His face is my act of worship. That's something I learned as I taught the Judaism unit for Freshman religion. For the Jews, studying the Torah was an act of worship to the Lord. They wanted to know His laws like the back of their hand, and so they spent hours upon hours poring over the scrolls of the revealed Word of God. For me, I will search for His presence until I find Him in my family, my friends, my students and coworkers. This searching is what I can offer to God. Recognizing Him in them is the least I can do because when He died, Jesus looked at me and only saw a treasure worth buying with His own blood.

Yes, this is not about me. It's all about you, Jesus.

Who she was

"The little flower transplanted to Mount Carmel was to expand under the shadow of the cross. The tears and blood of Jesus were to be her dew, and her Sun was His adorable Face veiled with tears... I understood what real glory was. He whose Kingdom is not of this world showed me that true wisdom consists in 'desiring to be unknown and counted as nothing.' "

******************************
Thought for the day:
What once was will always be and never be the same again. But at least I have now...this moment spent in the presence of God who surrounds me with His love and fills me with the grace to go on.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." (Mt 11:28-30)

My Community

January 27, 2006 latimes.com : California

Steve Lopez:
Points West
War Zone Surrounds an Island of Hope

"Mr. Lopez,

I am a teacher at an all-boys Catholic high school, called Verbum Dei, in Watts. For the past two weeks, we have been operating and holding classes in a locked-down state…. There is a gang war being waged between the Nickerson Gardens Bounty Hunters and the Jordan Downs Grape Street Crips."

Only a few weeks ago, Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa held a celebratory news conference to announce a 10% drop in major crimes in 2005. But not everyone is feeling more secure these days.

When I heard from the Verbum Dei teacher, I was looking into an apparent gang-related killing that put the Atwater Village neighborhood on edge as the new year began. I attended a meeting in which police frankly admitted they've got limited resources, with as few as three patrol cars on the street at times in the entire Northeast Division.

Three patrol cars?

I was as shocked as some of the Atwater residents. And I was surprised to hear an officer tell people that if they see gang activity on their street, they should all go out and water the lawn to make it clear they're watching.

I don't mean to dismiss the value of active vigilance, but residents were looking for stronger ideas than a volunteer lawn-watering brigade. Two gents from L.A. Bridges, the gang intervention outfit, had what sounded like a better suggestion than group irrigation. If you see gang activity, they said, call them. They'll gladly go confront the bangers and try to talk them out of gangs and into jobs.

The trouble in Atwater is disturbing enough. But the situation in Watts is crazy.

Since right around Christmas, the neighborhood around Verbum Dei has been a war zone, with bullets flying night and day.

Southeast Division Lt. Anne Clark counts 19 shootings and five slayings.

What got it started?

"You just don't know what sets it off," Clark said. "Somebody got into it with someone else and then the shootings started. And the killing."

Clark said police have swarmed the problem, making 39 arrests since Christmas. It's been quieter for the last several days, Clark said, and she's hoping the worst of it — of the latest outburst, at least — is done for now.

So do the students and faculty at Verbum Dei High School.

When I got there Wednesday the big iron gates on Central Avenue were locked, giving the school the appearance of a prison. There's no gang problem among students, and there haven't been any shootings in the surrounding area during school hours, but Verbum Dei is taking no chances.

Father John Weling, the school president, and Principal Susan Abelein told me the playing fields out back, which border the Nickerson projects, are temporarily off-limits to students. The soccer team had been forced to practice in the gym, but now it's being shuttled to Loyola Marymount University for practices and games.

Classroom doors are kept locked while the 305 students are in class, and parents have to drop students off and pick them up in the back lot. Extra security has been hired, and police patrols have picked up. The whole time I was on campus, a helicopter circled above, keeping an eye on the unsettled neighborhood.

Perhaps even more disturbing, some students didn't seem to be all that rattled by the recent crime wave.

"When you're living in L.A.," said senior Darren Acker, who's hoping to go to Loyola next year, it's a part of life. "You're never promised a single day. You go out the door protecting yourself."

Jonathan Phillips, a sophomore, lives in Inglewood. But he lived in the Verbum Dei neighborhood until a year ago, and recalls being asked more than once a simple question that can send a chill down a teenager's spine, because it's often followed up with gunfire.

"Where you from?"

Phillips said this was his answer:

"I don't bang. I'm a child of God. I play basketball."

For some kids, the Verbum Dei insignia on a sweater or jacket is more than a badge of honor.

"The uniform helps us a lot," said senior Joshua Miles, referring to the slacks, dress shirt and necktie students are required to wear. If you're cracking the books at a school where more than 90% of the students — half black, half Latino — go on to college, it signals to gang members that you're definitely not interested in their business.

"Verbum Dei was my gang, the most worshipped place in Watts," said counselor DeAnthony Langston, a child of the neighborhood.

He grew up at Nickerson Gardens, graduated from Verbum in 1984 and thinks the school saved his life. Many of his boyhood pals are either dead or in prison, and this latest rash of trouble breaks his heart.

"These are the kids who are really afraid," he said when we looked through a chain-link fence and into the play yard at the 112th Street Elementary School next door, where the youngsters were at recess. "Their relatives are the ones doing the killing. They say, 'Mr. Langston, I don't want to go home. I don't want to get killed.' "

The story never ends. Decade after decade, we talk about crime and gangs and neighborhoods filled with people living in fear. We ask how it can happen in so rich and resourceful a country, even though we know the answers.

Economic and educational apartheid, lack of investment, glorification of all the wrong values.

If you make it, as Langston did, you beat huge odds.

And what was his secret?

"My mom didn't mess around," he said. She expected a lot and she didn't let up, so he went to college, played pro basketball in Japan, learned another culture and language, and came home to give something back.

Now here he is, speaking over the chop of the circling helicopter. He's telling me about the plan to put a gate in the fence so student tutors from Verbum Dei can walk through and tell the primary schoolers to be smart, stay focused and try to make it through to the other side.

The Mission of the Apostles

Dedicated to my sister Roselynn and my BiL Mike...

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

Everyone needs the length of life's journey so that, aided by grace, he can grasp all the truth and beauty that was given to him in the beginning.

The desire that others meet Christ is authentic in the degree that it is accompanied bu a profound respect for their situation. It is not up to us to save the world: God saves; at best we are His instruments. He chooses the time and place in which to communicate Himself to each man; we are called to accept them. "Mission" means to generate something new within a reality which already exists...

Mission consists in recalling people's hearts from inside their situation to something that is happening among them just as it happened among us. Patience is required, the slow participation in man's deepest being. But participation is not only accepting. If we did not have something new to bring to others, we would be absorbed by them and would end up not sharing anything with them. We must be aware of the inestimable value of what we have received: we have met the One who is the answer to our deepest longings. The more this experience is alive in us, the more others will be able to perceive its newness on their own...

Courage consists in being dominated only by love, and one who loves is patient, because everything that he needs is already present in the moment in which he is living. We are sent to everyone - or rather - to each person. Every man has a heart for knowing and loving Christ. He has a name, a vocation: he is a specific and irreplaceable tile within the great mosaic that God is building in history. This awareness fills us with patience and with mercy, and makes our adventure exciting and inexhaustible.

- Monsignor Massimo Camisaca

Onward Christian soldier

MAGNIFICAT MEDITATION OF THE DAY

"Casting Out Devils"

I am writing to you in the precious blood of God's Son. I long to see you so strong and filled to overflowing with that Holy Spirit who came upon the holy disciples that God's gentle word will be able to grow and bear fruit in you and in your neighbors as well. After the fire of the Holy Spirit had descended on them they mounted the pulpit of the blazing cross, where they felt and tasted the hunger of God's Son, his love for mankind. Then their words came forth as does a red-hot knife from a furnace, and with its heat they pierced their listeners to the heart and cast out the devils. Since they had lost themselves, the saw not themselves but only God's glory and honor and our salvation.

So my dearest son, I beg you - it is my will in Christ Jesus - make your home in the pulpit of the cross. There be engulfed, lose yourself completely, with insatiable desire. Draw the red-hot knife and strike the devils, seen and unseen, who want to continually disturb your conscience by nipping people's fruit in the bud. Don't give in to this wicked devil - especially now, when it is time for harvesting and sowing. Tell the devil to deal with me instead of with you! Forward then, courageously.

- St. Catherine of Siena

******************************

Please don't forget that you were made in the image and likeness of God. Fallen, yes. Weak, yes. Made to roam the earth aimlessly without a purpose, no. We all have limitations inherent to our human nature, but our faith gives us a means of transcending our mortal situation to go beyond that which threatens to keep us down. Even death has no hold on us because Jesus himself conquered it in his Resurrection.

We are not and never "only human", so may we not make the mistake of downplaying our role in God's plan of salvation. Everything we do does matter in the building up or tearing down of the Kingdom here on earth. Jesus died once and for all, but he depends on us to bring him to others...to shine his light...to have faith that the Gospel bears in the truth and life.

There is not one man or woman on this planet who does not belong in heaven. The sad thing is that not everyone wants to be there. Some would rather not leave the world because they are so attached to it. Others are not told the whole story and do not really understand the greatness that awaits them as children of God. All we can do is try...reach out...live by example...and most of all, pray.

I believe that one by one, more and more Christians will understand who they really are as warriors commissioned by heaven to fight for souls. It's a serious responsibility that comes with a lot of grace to fulfill it, especially when you find yourself extremely exhausted from the battle.

As I've said in the past - GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION.

There is always hope. As long as people pray...as long as they know the goodness of God...as long as they are willing to make sacrifices and persevere for the sake of souls, there is hope. It's going to be okay.

I have chosen to believe in miracles again...big ones, small ones, and everything inbetween.

So, Lord, I'm praying, asking for one because miracles of healing are not limited to the body but are extended to the heart and soul as well.

**************************

Weathered
by Creed
Dedicated to the ones who know this struggle well...

I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No I can't accept the life that's mine

Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading life with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Maybe that's why I feel alone

Me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

The sun shines and I can't avoid the light
I think I'm holding on to life too tight
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Sometimes I feel like giving up

Me...I'm rusted and weathered
Barely holding together
I'm covered with skin that peels and it just won't heal

The day reminds me of you
The night hides your truth
The earth is a voice
Speaking to you
Take all this pride
And leave it behind
Because one day it ends
One day we die
Believe what you will
That is your right
But I choose to fight
So I choose to fight
To fight



"May grace, mercy, and peace be with us from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen."

The Courage to be a Saint

...is to unite yourself to the sufferings of Christ, knowing how very weak you are and remembering how very strong He is for you.

A saint's heart loves God, making Him the center of everything he does. Even when his soul is plagued by his past, he invites God into the darkest corners of his life and trusts in God's unending mercy.

No, it isn't easy to be a saint because you have to accept yourself for who you really are...in all your glory as His creation and in all your imperfect humanity.

When a saint believes that she also is loved by God, she can find her smile in His greatest blessings and in her heaviest crosses. She gives to her God her best, offering what little she has so that her life becomes His smile.

There is much in this world to discourage you on this journey, but there is more in heaven to encourage you along the way.

The difference between an ordinary person and a saint is that an ordinary person falls and stays on the ground. A saint falls and each time reaches up for the hand of Christ, as Peter cried out from the raging ocean, "Lord, save me!"

The ultimate failure in a saint's life is to never reach his destination...to never be in the presence of her God...to never experience the joy that awaits for all eternity.

Always strive, always persevere, always love...for love endures all things.

Amen.

"I have told you this, so that in me you may have peace. You will have trouble; but, courage! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
love,
Jesus

No idea

Butterball is snoring...how cute.

DECEMBER 23RD - the big day. Come to think of it, we have a lot of those days...days that played an especially important role in our coming together...days that, had they never happened, would remain devoid of the memories we shared with each other.

Last year, he made it my day. He didn't have to go to the trouble to put it all together. We were just friends and I was planning on keeping it that way. But my ways are not God's ways and God had a different agenda that Gary somehow got clued in to.

I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I had a catch-up dinner with Leo a few days before, telling him that this guy Gary was taking me to see Les Mis. Leo wouldn't leave me alone about it, at least for that night. He made me promise him that I'd call to tell him how it went. I rolled my eyes and said we were just hanging out. "He so likes you...hello, I wouldn't take just anyone to see Les Mis!" Those were his exact words. Yes, that's why Leo was always excited to watch this relationship progress...why? Because he was right.

And the rest is history.

Over the past week or two, I've been struggling with a lot of things. Something very unexpected came up that made me question the last three years of my life and some of the decisions I've made because of the path that was set for me. It honestly had an almost Twighlight Zone-ish tone for me because I started having vivid flashbacks that brought the past back into the present.

God had hit reverse playback and made me watch everything backwards, bringing me back to the sword in my heart and the 5-day Rivendell experience that led me into discernment then the disheartening lupus diagnosis the following February. For brief moments, I felt the joy and the heartbreak...the anguish and disappointment along with the hope that I would grow because of it all. I remember wishing - er, praying - that I could erase it all and start over as if none of it ever happened.

In some strange way, there may be a possibility that God might be granting my request.

But I have to wait.

I have to wait for His will to unfold...a very mysterious outcome resulting from a desperate cry made on the other side of the world in many a Polish cathedral.

I'll never forget the journey, but its effects...perhaps gone...at least the broken pieces, swept up and made whole again. How often have I spoken of the need for healing...I just wanted to meet the "someday" when I would be okay...when my smile would return...when my faith would break through once again.

Thoughts and emotions have been whirling around inside of me...slowly coming back to the desire for holiness for the sake of those around me who need a light to follow. Almost felt like I was going crazy, so I sought refuge as I did years ago. I'm returning to Rivendell.

I need to pray. I need to remember. Maybe I do need to feel it all again, for so much is attached to that place. I have brought those I loved most to visit with me, and they too have their memories of brown habits and the serenity of Carmel.

This time, I will not go telling Jesus of my own will. I will listen to what He has in store for me.

But before I go, I will spend this day - our day - with the man I have grown to love, who has been sent into my life as an answer to prayers offered up by those who loved me most...the one who will help me carry my cross and share the blessing that it truly is, whether it be one of illness or one of uncompromising faith.

My vision...it is still foggy but the rays of light are beginning to shine through. In time, in HIS time.

Jesus, I trust in You.

+AMDG+

For a moment

Life just happens as it's supposed to. Sometimes you make good choices, sometimes you don't. People come and go, and you come and go in and out of people's lives. You win some, you lose some...but at least you learn something.

I think the objective is to get to the point where you're grateful for it all...for what you had, what you have now, and what you will have in the future. There's no one else in this world who has the opportunity to live the life that you do.

Even if your life doesn't seem all that great, you still have more blessings than many others out there. Just walk down Skid Row...even for just a couple of blocks...and you'll see what I mean.

That's what I did yesterday...and it really hit home.

You can't save everyone, but for a moment you can be the sunshine in their day. I watched Mark Anthony, Hernan, David, and Eloy subject themselves to having wet sponges thrown at their faces just so the little ones could have a good time...Anthony carrying a tiny two-year-old up to the basket so he could make a slam dunk at the hoops booth...Joshua walking kids around on ponies around Gladys Park...the crew going out into the streets to give the homeless some water and clothing.

Like John said, that was a reality check for us. I was so proud of the 25 guys who worked hard to bring a little Verb sunshine to the Christmas Festival down there on E. 6th St. in Downtown. Little do they know how much they help me face the world with courage. They help me open my heart up to those who I would never ordinarily talk to. They challenge me and make me laugh, and they go out of their way to take care of me, too.

I call them my kids...but they're Yours first, Father God. Thank you for sending them into my life to teach me what faith, hope and love really is.

"Spiritual constipation"

...as the term has been coined by a friend of mine who will admit to the world that he is weird...yet by this very term which I once laughed at has described exactly when I am feeling right at this very moment.

I started to write a really long random blog that was making absolutely no sense, and I deleted it after I came to the conclusion that it read like God needed to shoot some Imodium in my system because it splattered all over the place.

Inappropriate visual graphic, I know. I'm sorry...

But you know what? It just hit me that I'm not ever going to be a cookie-cutter saint. I'm here struggling along with everyone else, making mistakes...learning from them...getting down on myself because my life isn't easy but realizing that life isn't easy for anyone.

People who look like they have it all together just know how to hide their insecurities really well.

Raising my hand...yes, that was me...until a few years ago.

A detailed run-through of my recent past isn't necessary for you to understand that I now know I'm not who people thought I was or wanted me to be. I've had my own share of hurts, but I will tell you that I've also been a cause of pain...a contributor to frustration and misunderstanding...someone who was blind to the fact that my actions unintentionally damaged the trust, hope, and faith that others had in me, in themselves, and in God.

With this awareness, I've learned that you can look at the world in one of two extremes:
1) holding unrealistic expectations - being constantly disappointed that people are not reaching the standards you set for them...unforgiving of their faults because they should know better...never appreciating the journey that they need to take in order to learn the lessons God has in store for them
2) making "we're only human" excuses for everything we do - without any accountability to help the other strive for heaven...forgetting that this is not our home...living for this life alone and not once stopping to reflect on the guidance God offers us through Scripture and through the good and holy people who have overcome their own temptations and continue to fight the good fight.

I guess the important thing here is that I'm learning. I don't have a profound commentary on the points listed above, but I'm beginning to understand that there needs to be a certain degree of balance in the Christian life. Jesus did mention the long and narrow road, but He never mentioned anything about a tightrope. Yet, it's true...we must recognize how important this balance is...finding the midpoint between the two extremes that is compassion, patience, acceptance, and love.

Let's stop here for the night. I don't think I have anything else to say. There is still much, but I have to wait on God for the words...so we'll see. I'm getting a little delirious being up at this hour...

+AMDG+

Back home

Great KAIROS VI retreat...some challenges, but as Gary says, without struggle, there is no progress. I would have never seen the strength rise up out of my guys if they were not tested. I would have never known how awesome my team if we never stared discouragement in the face.

Johnny Simmons is my hero.

I thank you, Lord, for this experience. The same but different than last year. Thank you for James, Johnny, Darren, and Marius...for Fr. Kevin, Fr. Jim, Cristina, Maggie, Frank and Dwayne. They pulled through when I needed them to, and I can look back knowing that it was all worth it.

I'll never know how much it really made a difference in the lives of the guys who went. I'll never see the hidden blessings that you gave us during those three days. But I can say that I am so grateful for the grace you gave us to get through it.

I work in a community that people are afraid to even drive by. I serve a student population that society stereotypes as lazy, unsuccessful, and maybe even dangerous. But when I walk on the campus of Verbum Dei High School, I see hope...perseverance...determination...and love. There are those few who will take a little bit longer than others to get it, but as I was told, you just can't give up because most everyone there really do work for good...good in each other...good in the world...good in themselves.

It felt like I was gone forever.

When I got back, everything was the same. But something inside of me changed.

KAIROS - God's time. He has his way of slowing things down so that we can really soak in what He wants to teach us. And we definitely learned a lot more than we expected to.

That's just the way life goes.

Praising God always...

Mean people

...are just not nice.

It's easier to talk behind the back, I know. But, man, the drama.

Like I was telling my friend tonight, I just keep praying and pushing through. What else is there to do?

If anyone is reading this and trying to figure out what I'm talking about, it isn't regarding any one particular situation. This actually pertains to life in general.

I listen. That's all I really do. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I feel sad. Other times I don't really have a reaction. That's when I realize that I can only offer my presence.

Lots of wasted energy going around. That's how I see it. I waste energy, too.

So instead of reacting negatively or continuing to complain about a somebody or a something, I try to remember to give it to Jesus and leave it with Him...not thinking about it a whole lot from that point on because the world is still turning while life is just passing me by.

My heart hurts. Literally.

When things happen that you really have no control over and people do things that you really can't change, it's useless to make it your own problem. That's where stress comes from...the kind of stress that takes its toll on your body, your mind and your spirit.

He said...she said...they said...I think...we should...maybe come back to what's really important.

Whenever we forget what matters most in life, it's so easy to get caught up. It's easy to criticize. It's easy to fight. It's easy to take each other for granted and do nothing to find a solution.

And it's easier than anything else to tell yourself not to care.

APATHY KILLS RELATIONSHIPS. It eats away at the core of who we are as human beings...and after a while the life slowly seeps out of us, our hearts grow very cold, and we're dead.

Walking zombies on automatic pilot conditioned to do nothing for anyone else but ourselves. I don't know if this is making sense to you but it makes a whole lot of sense to me and to tell you the truth, it's a bit frightening.

Gotta watch out for myself, we say.

Of course we do...but why is it now like second nature to shut people out? What ever happened to unconditional?

I don't know, Lord. I really don't know.

Why all the pain? Where is it all coming from? I want to know. I want to know what has made us this ill.

Sickness by definition is an infraction on one's health. Brokenheartedness is a sickness to me. People die from it. Just visit your local nursing home for proof.

If we don't learn to love again, we will live very lonely lives. You can give us all the friends in the world and bless us with many, many children...but without love, it all means absolutely nothing.

That's why You introduced me to him. You were going to use him to teach me.

It's never too late. As long as we're here, we can always be better and try harder. We know a lot...but unapplied knowledge has no real value. You can't get into heaven based on what you know. Your key in is how much you loved.

Begging for the grace........

He's waiting for us, too

We've been talking about waiting on the Lord...waiting for the Lord...getting ready for His coming.

But wait...

He's waiting for us, too!

Jesus is waiting for us to hear His call...to answer the door of our hearts...to let Him truly be the King of our lives and the Savior of our souls.

It's time. It's time to step up and do something for Him.

Even I think to myself, "What do you mean, 'Do something for Him'? Haven't I been serving Him all this time?"

Well, okay...like I was telling Rob tonight, I try to remember that I'm doing God's work...especially because I work at a Catholic school and my official title has a lot to do with spiritual formation.

But the Lord is asking me to give more of myself. I do the work...sure, I share my experiences...but what's lacking is that agape love in what I do and in how I share...the kind of love that is self-sacrificing...the kind that doesn't expect anything in return...the love that does not fear hurt or rejection or ridicule.

So, yes, I serve...but only to a certain point. When I get to that point, I'm afraid.

I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of feeling so down and discouraged. Sometimes I feel like I've been waiting for someone to come along and pull me out of my rut. Gary has actually done a very good job of helping me through, as other friends have in the brief conversations we've shared.

But he or anyone else can't be my everything.

Unfortunately (but maybe it's not so unfortunate), there probably won't be a someone who will come along and "fix" everything...someone who will bring back that hopeful idealism we once had...the saint that walks through the door and comes out of nowhere to save us all (or was it Archie tonight at prayer meeting...hmmm, God's timing? hehe).

God is making us realize our brokenness and our need for purification because He wants to be that Someone for us. He is the one - through His Word (like the 2nd Reading for this Sunday says) - telling us that we need to be spotless...we need to be ready...we need to anticipate His coming with eagerness. We need to look at every single aspect of our lives and examine whether it is pleasing to Him - or - only pleasing to ourselves...whether is strengthens and encourages the faith of other people around us - or - weakens and discourages those who are under our influence.

I understood this years ago...but something happened...and I could no longer hold on to the faith I used to have. I never said it wasn't worth it, but over time that's what I ended up believing. Being a real Christian was not a walk in the park. I think I had expected it to be. Maybe a part of me hoped that once I gave my life to Christ, I'd be almost superhuman...where nothing would hurt me, nothing would scare me, nothing would tempt me so strongly that I wouldn't fall back - or "backslide" as they say.

The fact of the matter is that, Jesus doesn't only want us to enter into His divine life as God - doing as He did to proclaim the Kingdom, leading people out of sin and into salvation, even praying for miracles in His name and seeing them happen before our eyes. He also calls us to enter into his very humanity - his joy, his sorrow, his pain and persecution, his love, his friendship, his sacrifice.

It's all about both the "His" and the "his"...the big H being everything of the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity...the little h being just like one of us...yet always humble, obedient, faithful to the end.

Will we let Christ transform our lives and restore us?

Dare I ever say that I don't need transforming and restoration, someone please knock me upside the head.

There are things I need to change, attitudes I need to get rid of, and fears I need to overcome...but I can't do it without Him.

Why am I confessing my weakness as a leader in both my school and church communities? Because I'm not going to pretend to be perfect. I can't live on a pedestal.

At the same time, however, I have come to understand that certain people God brings into my life need something from me and that I am expected by Him to be not just an example but
His very hands and feet and heart in the world.

So when I die, I hope people will not remember any of the great things I accomplished. I pray, rather, that they will remember the encounters and conversations we had and say that they met Jesus.

******************************

"Reflecting immediately after Communion with the Lord God is to me a most sacred moment. When I am in this sacred presence, sometimes my desire for special friends is that they be lifted free from their troubles and inertia of faith. When this desire happened recently, the powerful and challenging word came to me, as an inner voice. It said to me, 'Bring them to the Eucharist.' Now this left me wondering all the more, 'And how am I to do that?' "

- Fr. Roch A. Coogan, OFM from 201 Inspirational Stories of the Eucharist

Line of the Day

Robby (sitting at the table waiting a very long time for our Starbucks drinks): "We must be on a show or something."

hahahahaha =)...that's just too funny!

Good times with the family yesterday...actually this whole 4-day weekend has been great! I didn't bother with a schedule because I figured I deserved some kind of do-nothing vacation. Got to attempt a few new recipes, and if I practice more, I might someday be good at it. My mom pulled out some of her cookbooks for us to look through, and I've found my favorite one...Betty Crocker's New Cookbook: Everything You Need to Know to Cook (because I don't know a whole lot!).

So yes, Thanksgiving was really nice...went to Mass with my mom in the morning and hit the kitchen for the rest of the morning until everyone started coming over. In years past, it had always been my dad playing Master Chef of the family. This year we were a little worried that a few dishes wouldn't come out right but everything turned out okay. Gary even brought over his homemade lasagna, as requested by the family...always impressive because it just takes a lot of patience to prepare and it tastes soooo delicioso! The gathering was small - just our immediate family, Robby, Mike, Gary and Nelden (his brother from SF) - but it was good to be together.

I slept for most of the day on Friday, hoping to get to the 2nd round CIF playoff game but decided against it because I was very tired. It's okay, I really needed the rest.

Yesterday, Em came over in the morning while I was cooking breakfast. She and Lyn-Lyn plugged in the Magic Mic and sang their hearts out like old times. I remember when she first got it - I would wake up every Saturday morning for the longest time to the sound of Emeline's voice. Ahhh, memories...

After serving them eggs w/keilbasa sausage, I decided to go back and try the recipe I skipped on Thanksgiving...Chicken-Fried Portobello Mushroom w/Mashed Potatoes and Gravy...yummy. That turned out pretty good, and we were all super-full when we were done. Mike came over, and we sat around talking for a while until Em decided that we should all take a fied trip to the new Target across from SPV and have Starbucks after shopping. Hence the "Line of the Day" above.

Word of advice: If you want coffee, it's probably best to drive to an actual Starbucks rather than one that is very much understaffed.

Nonetheless, Rob entertained us with Leilani's newly bought Dark Black Chandler, and like Mike said, we had nothing else to do anyway.

I really love hanging out with my sisters and BiL's, and of course Leilani, too. They're GREAT (and quite funny, I might add)!!!

We put up the tree and decorated it after they were done watching Hitch, then ate some more. I thought it was cute that my mom and Robby were humming Christmas songs. I had to leave to meet Jennifer for Mass at Holy Family, but as I was driving away from my house, I was so grateful for my familia.

First Sunday of Advent. Fr. Anthony spoke of preparing our hearts. That convicted me but I didn't give it much thought after that until now. We need to prepare our hearts to both give love more freely and to receive the love God and other people want to give to us. Make room so that when Jesus, Mary and Joseph come knocking, we will not turn them away because our hearts are overcrowded with worldly attachments, resentments, unforgiveness, and sin. That will be my Advent prayer...

Dinner afterwards was "mmm, mmm, soooo good" at Sushi Studio w/Jennifer. It's probably been a couple of years since we really hung out. Much needed, I think, for both of us. Even though I've kind of struggled somewhat with staying in a community, I'm so glad to know that when it comes down to it, we are still here for each other and that there is good reason that certain people are still in my life.

Today I shall pick up my wedding dress.

I must say, I really miss my fiance right now.

A little over 7 months to go!

Simple

I spent the evening with Leilani while her mom was at work yesterday. She entertained me by doing the Cabbage Patch as I was eating and watching TV with my mom. I thought it was hilarious.

When I went upstairs she followed me into my room and asked if I would teach her more about Jesus in the book we were reading a couple of days ago (the Passion of the Christ). She started getting sleepy but she insisted on finishing the whole book. At the picture of Jesus and Barabbas, I told her that Barabbas did bad things and was a criminal. Then I asked, "Did Jesus do anything bad?" and she said, "No, Jesus always followed His heart."

When we were done, she still wanted to learn more, so we talked about all the things you can find in the church and what we do at church.

At some point the topic of me buying her an angel blanket came up, and I told her that we should learn how to give to people who don't have a whole lot since we have many blankets already.

Her response was, "We can call it 'One Person at a Time Store'."

Talk about inspiration.

Later she said that God told her to pray for the people that died...so that's who she prays for all the time. We did our night-time prayers and fell asleep on my bed under my fuzzy blanket.

This is what I live for. =)

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

Don't look back

Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back at the burning city of Sodom. (Genesis 18:26)

No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the reign of God. (Luke 9:62)

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

Let it go.

God's mercy has allowed me a new life and I cannot desire to go back to what I left.

Each time I walked into the confessional and reconciled with God, He erased sins of my past that threatened to plague me for the rest of my life. The day that I decided I wanted to give Jesus my heart and change my life, I chose a different way of being...a different way of speaking, of acting, of loving.

I looked at the cross and I said I would follow. I said I would want to be there...right there with Him.

Why?

Because I knew that it didn't end on Calvary.

If I only think about the suffering, I can't possibly want that for the sake of suffering alone. But if I think about my Lord and the heartache He experienced when his friends abandoned Him...if I think about the victory that came three days later after all the despair, it makes the suffering worth it.

It all comes back to one word.

HOPE.

We hope for things to get better. We hope that we won't make the same mistakes again. We hope that when temptations and trials do come in the future, we'll be able to face them with more wisdom and courage than we did in the past.

To hope is to persevere...to NOT GIVE UP...to have faith that God is there with us so much more than we are ever aware of Him...and ever-present not just for us but for everyone that we pray for, for everyone that He ever loved into creation.

So I release all my regrets...all of the guilt that has weighed me down...all of the pain that has imprisoned me.

I've learned from it all.

But I no longer need to look back. What's done is done. That's not me anymore.

Please God that my eyes will be set on the horizon, but may my feet be firmly planted when I stop to appreciate everything that I have today.

Remember the story - from beginning to end. And then realize that it isn't over yet...

Dude, I'm tired but I feel great!

Hi, folks...

Just finished the Winter Sports Retreat with the Soccer Team. The Basketball Team didn't end up showing, but it actually ended up to be a great day. Those soccer players are some pretty funny guys. They're very mellow yet quite playful and highly cooperative, I must say.

I was talking to Lupe about maybe having individual team retreats instead of grouping them by season, just so the group stays at a manageable size. Then he, as everyone else does, warned me not to overwork myself because that would more than double the number of Sports retreats during the year. You know what, though? This was the easiest and funnest (is that a word?) retreat I've ever done. If they were only 3 hours long (I guess it would be more of a mini-retreat), then it wouldn't be so bad.

Even though I'm not an athlete, I'm really growing in appreciation for the discipline of sports and what it does for the players. It helps that my fiance is a "sports guy" - an athletic trainer by profession and a past high school football player - and that my students share that part of their lives with me by wanting me to go to their games. Yes, if I don't end up having my own children, I'll have many kids to help "raise" here at Verb or anywhere else I may end up in the future.

This is a beautiful place. As I was hiding walnuts around campus for their "Squirrel" game, I was just loving the moment of being here. Sure it's hard sometimes, and the stress can come close to unbearable every so often, but how bountiful are the rewards when my boys succeed...when they come and say hi after they've graduated...when they ask me to pray for them because they want to try to be better people.

You can't pay me enough to make me want to do something else.

******************************

For anyone who wants to learn scheduling and task prioritization techniques, please let me know and I'll teach you over coffee (yes, Dorothy, that's you!). I wanted to blog it all out but it's SO much better in person.

Just bring your Day Planner and calendar and I'll bring mine!

It's really worth learning because then you'll actually have time to do things you want to do. Granted that you'll have to sacrifice some things for others at times, you're still able to look at your days overall and balance time with everyone important to you while still finding the opportunity to get things done.

You just can't put too much pressure on yourself and expect that more hours in your day will magically appear. It's all just a matter of being at peace with what you choose to devote your time to.

Like right now, I'm choosing to blog even if I didn't schedule it because I feel the need to appreciate my day today through this entry. I wanted to get some work done this afternoon but my body is telling me to go home and take a nap. I can just do some rearranging since I'm coming back to work tomorrow for Open House. Grading papers is not fun when your eyes can't stay open.

So I'm going home now.

Thank you, Lord, for today. You're AWESOME. You really are.