There are no words

Dearest Father God,

When You want something to happen, You do everything in Your power to protect it. Take the life of Jesus, for example. He could have been killed many times throughout His life...in the womb of Mary because of her status as unwed mother...during Herod's slaughter of the infant males...instances during His public ministry when His message was much too "harsh" for some who heard it. Not until the appointed time was His mission completed. Your will comes with perfect timing. And when it's much too important to be compromised, extra grace seems to help it along to its fulfillment.

Last night You made me smile because I realized You were doing the same for us. He listens really well to people - a definite gift - but I think the greater gift is his ability to listen just as well to You. And I saw in his eyes complete obedience. It had to come from him, not from me. Plan C. =) That's why I have so much peace with this. Sure there have been questions, but You are doing such a wonderful job with the answers. I don't even have to go looking for them this time. All I have to do is trust You and there they are...

I pray that more people have this opportunity to be filled with this much of Your love. That they will get to the point of being amazed every day at how You weave their lives together and orchestrate every event in order to create something beautiful.

Very special intentions sit in my heart right now...for us, for my family, for my friends, my students, my coworkers. All I can be is grateful and give my own life over to You in prayer. That I know is one thing that I need to come back to, at least in the way that I was years ago. It shouldn't hurt to pray but it did for a while. It can't anymore. That's what I have to let go of...the pain I associated with being who I am...who I've always wanted to be...a living prayer.

So, Lord, please give me the grace again to love as I should...to accept others as they are but to pray that You will only draw them closer to You in their struggles and trials...to reach out because they are precious to You...to make them feel valued and important in this world. Please help me remember that Your mercy extends far beyond the walls of our churches...that You can work in the hearts of those in the world and lead them back to Truth but that it is up to us who know it to bring it to them with compassionate hearts devoid of judgment and condemnation.

Thank you. Thank you so very much for what You are doing for each one of us and for all of us together. What a beautiful day this is...

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me

Dear God,

You are really looking out for me. Thank you with all my heart.

Even if I had a hard time getting through this day, you always manage to bring some comfort to me through my coworkers - Fr. Scott...Br. Ortiz...Jana...Kevin...Greg...Kirstin...Maggie...Lupe and his Girl Scout cookies catalog. We're all so busy but it's great knowing that we're all in this together.

Class was pretty awesome, too. We did an illustration analysis of Jesus in Art and the boys participated really well. It was interesting to get their thoughts on the different faces of Christ...what kinds of feelings are evoked inside of them when they look at Him portrayed in so many ways. And today they were especially well-behaved, which I greatly appreciated. =)

The big highlights of my day had to have been: 1) stopping to talk to Freddy in the hallway for a bit and getting a smile out of him, and 2) Donald coming to visit me after school to give me a life update. If you met these two, you'd know why these moments were so special. I love my KAIROS group.

More to come later...

"I have not looked for anyone's silver, gold or clothing. You yourselves know that these hands of mine have provided for both my needs and the needs of those who were with me. In every way I have shown you that by working hard one must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said, 'Happiness lies more in giving than in receiving.' " (Acts 20:33-35)

There is more of Christ in this...

I should be sleeping right now, but I feel like there's a lot I want to spill at the moment. Good conversations today...one that had to happen, another to encourage me along my path, a third to make me grateful for past lessons, and the last to remind me that I'm not dreaming. Thanks, everyone...

Praise God for confession. I have to say that Fr. John emanates holiness. No wonder he's my mom's favorite. I don't usually go to him, but he said some things that I needed to hear again. Tonight - maybe it was because of where I was sitting...not in my usual spot - that I was brought back to the days when I first started going to SPC about 2 1/2 years ago...when I did go to Fr. John's confessional...when I'd walk by the statue of St. Joseph and wonder about the mystery of who he was for Jesus and Mary and who he was for me.

Now I'm in the same but different place, if that makes sense. Same people, different people. Leaving an old life but taking it with me somehow in a way that seems to help others move forward as well.

Dear Lord, each transition can be difficult for me, but you're right there holding my hand through it all. You are the one constant in my life...the one person I know who will always be who you've always been. That's why I love you...simply because of who you are. There has never been a moment when you walked away...when you had enough of me...when it got too hard to bear my cross for me.

And every day there you are present in the people I see...the people I meet with and talk to...the people I teach and minister to...the people who sacrifice their time and energy just to be Jesus to me. May I never forget where to find you. May gratitude always fill my heart when you reach out and touch me through the souls who share your Spirit with me...many times without even knowing it.

Be with the people I pray for. As we walk separate paths from each other, please let them know that you are traveling with them...that this life is only temporary...that if they think they're happy now, they could - if so desired - ask for things here on earth yet grow in knowledge that they have a place prepared for them in Heaven.

That's all. Always more but never enough time and never enough words. As each day passes, my somedays get closer and closer. But it was just good knowing that I could look back and say thank you. Maybe they will never hear me, but the prayers still go out regardless. Grace knows no boundaries...even breaking through the walls of the heart.

So, yes, I keep praying.

A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

Lying Awake

some excerpts from a novel lent to me by Fr. Scott...

At last the child revealed himself to the poor giant as Christ, and he said, 'You carried the weight of the whole world on your back when you carried me.' Sometimes we all feel that way when we share Christ's burden, we feel we are drowning in the sorrows of the world, but if we ask God for the strength to endure for the sake of others rather than just ourselves, we discover how powerful love really is.
(re: our own messiness and that of the world...more of a realization after conversations with Fr. Scott)

Adoration welled up through the pain, closing the gap between lover and Beloved. The force of His presence curved eternity in on itself; it was not her love rising after all, but His love pulling her toward Him. She fell upward into brilliance, where all suffering was released.
(re: today at St. Dominic's as I watched a woman place her hands on the glass around the Blessed Sacrament...the drawing of her to Him...hearts giving and receiving...with all of us as we sat and knelt before Him)

Self had been an illusion, a dream.
God dreaming.
(re: Fr. Larry's lesson to me a year ago..."You are a thought of God...a heartbeat of God")

The entire life of a good Christian is in fact an exercise of holy desire. You do not yet see what you long for, but the very act of desiring prepares you, so that when He comes you may see and be utterly satisfied.
(re: why He allows me what I experience)

God means to fill each of you with what is good; so cast out what is bad! If He wishes to fill you with honey and you are full of sour wine, where is the honey to go? The vessel must be emptied of its contents and then be cleansed. Yes, it must be cleansed even if you have to work hard and scour it. It must be made fit for the new thing, whatever it may be.
(re: there can be no residue of the past...I must allow Him to cleanse and heal me completely without holding on anymore to what I need to let go of)

"There is no middle ground when it comes to loving God. It's all or nothing."
(re: AMEN)

Writing had become as important as prayer to her - it was her prayer...
(re: yeah, for me, too)

Just for Jason

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Marianne
2. B.anne (pronounced "ba-nee" by Robby and "B-anne" by everyone else)
3. Anne Joy

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. banne15
2. godspaintbrush
3. alwaysjoy15

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. appreciation for people
2. nature-loving
3. God-loving

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i get absentminded sometimes
2. still not a fully recovered procrastinator
3. that i have a hard time adjusting to changes

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. filipino
2. chinese
3. spanish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. (see last survey)
2.
3.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. cross ring
2. guess watch
3. Medjugorje and Miraculous medals

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. tank top
2. pajama pants
3. ponytail

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
1. Ginny Owens
2. Oblates of the Two Hearts
3. Erin O'Donnell

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. I Will Be Here (sung by Em and Rob)
2. Take Lord Receive
3. Prayer for Generosity

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Road trip up north
2. Alternative Spring Break in Mexico
3. Learning to cook Jaymee's desserts

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. shared faith in God practiced in the Catholic Church
2. purity
3. trust

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (haha tricky...)
1. I served breakfast to the homeless this morning and had the greatest time doing it
2. I work in Watts and people think I'm crazy for it but I couldn't be happier
3. nothing phases me
*last one is the untruth...I have a very fragile heart...

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. eyes
2. smile
3. nice hands (sorry, that's the best way I can describe it...haha)

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. exercise regularly
2. stick to a regular prayer schedule
3. relearn Spanish for practical purposes (or maybe I'm just lazy)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
(same as jason's!)
1. going to mass
2. some type of church activity
3. sleeping! wooo!

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. go to Hawaii (I'm missing it right now)
2. have Tiramisu cheesecake
3. eat at Sushi Studio

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
n/a...I'm blessed enough to be doing exactly what I've always wanted to do as Director of Spiritual Formation/Religion teacher at Verbum Dei...praise GOD...yaaaaaay

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
(aside from Hawaii...)
1. Spain
2. France
3. Italy

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Meleana Grace (Lea)
2. Maria Therese (Marites)
3. Jaden Joseph

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. overcome self
2. embrace my cross
3. find God in all things

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS NOW!!:
haha...you guys already took it...I'm late on this one =)

Greatest joys

Being in Mass. Receiving Holy Communion. Absolution after a good confession. Praying the rosary. Sitting with Him in St. Dominic's adoration chapel. Seeing statues or pictures of St. Therese in churches and people's homes. Learning new Christian songs (thanks, Jason!...who gives me the best books, too! haha). "Interior sharing" with Jaymee. God-filled moments with Leilani. Long talks with Lyn-Lyn. Singing with Emeline. SH music ministry at full force. Teaching at St. Paul of the Cross, Verbum Dei, and St. Peter Chanel. Traveling with my mom. Going to the beach (North Shore, Oahu). Adventures with Jenn (a.k.a. "Sam"). Watching my brother paint. Random reconnecting with Leo. Making new friends. Being on stage with IR. Gary leaving me speechless. Praying with the Carmelites. Finding inspiration in my sisters' relationships with the wonderful men in their lives. Seeing people do what they do best. Soaring eagles. Blooming flowers. The violin guy at Downtown Disney and the altar server (I don't know his name) who also plays at Confirmation Mass. Rays of sun breaking through the clouds after a storm. Hearing my dad's voice. Listening to other people's stories. Running into those of the past who had been there as I was growing through life. Going on retreats. Sleeping next to Jesus.

Wow, sleeping next to Jesus. If only every night were like that...

"Let your soul find joy in the mercy of the Lord, and do not be ashamed to praise Him. Do your work within the appointed time, and the Lord in His time will give you your reward." (Sirach 51:29-30)

Random deflation

10 random things about me:
10. I love to travel but I will probably never live outside of Southern California
9. I'm really shy but I love meeting new people
8. Not very adventurous but love trying new things
7. Read a lot but can never finish a book (unless it's a really great novel)
6. Have so much fun on stage but would rather not be the center of attention in a conversation
5. Considered a leader but like being a follower
4. Get attached to people really easily but love to spend time by myself
3. I am the oldest but often feel like the little sister
2. Have a hard time following my own advice, even if it seems to work well for other people
1. I'm a walking oxymoron

9 places i've visited:
9. Florida (Palm Coast, St. Augustine, Orlando, Tampa)
8. Washington, DC (National Basilica of the Immaculate Conception + monuments)
7. Hawaii (Big Island, Kauai, Oahu, Maui, Molokai)
6. Carmelite Monastery in Alhambra, CA
5. California Missions (San Diego de Alcala, San Luis Rey, San Juan Capistrano, San Gabriel, San Fernando Rey, San Buenaventura)
4. Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio
3. Duquesne University in Pennsylvania (beginning of Catholic Charismatic Renewal)
2. Poland and the Czech Republic (re: Pope John Paul II, St. Faustina, St. Maximilian Kolbe, Infant Jesus of Prague, the Auschwitz concentration camp)
1. Our Lady of the Angels Monastery in Hanceville, AL to meet Mother Angelica

8 things i wanna do before i die:
8. Write a book
7. Backpack across Europe
6. Visit my parents' hometowns in the Philippines
5. Get a Master's degree in Theology
4. Learn the true value of suffering well
3. Live in complete joy and peace in the Lord amidst the chaos of the world
2. Offer every day as a prayer to God
1. Love Him more in other people, no matter how different I may be from them

7 ways for a guy to win my heart:
7. Make me laugh
6. Get along well with my family and friends
5. Devotion to Our Blessed Mother
4. Willing to put up with all of me in general...that entails a lot...haha
3. Be real and honest
2. Humble and self-sacrificing
1. Love God with his whole heart

6 things i believe in:
6. Heaven
5. Hell
4. Absolute Truth
3. Purity
2. Love
1. God

5 things i'm afraid of:
5. My own weaknesses
4. Being full of pride
3. Hurting people
2. Losing my mom
1. Losing God

4 of my favorite things in my bedroom:
4. My bed
3. My Bible
2. Pictures of Mama Mary, St. Therese and Padre Pio
1. My Scrabble frame of my dad

3 things i do everyday:
3. Pray the Rosary
2. Eat
1. Sleep

2 things i've been thinking about constantly lately:
2. Funny things that happen to me along this road called life
1. People I've been meeting who God has reserved and kept hidden until now

1 person i want to see right now:
1. I have to wait 'til Monday...

"Thank you" goes a long way

What an eventful 2005 this has been so far. January has been crazy, but a good kind of crazy...

Half of my major events for work have already passed. KAIROS reunion was small but from it we were able to pull our speakers and student leaders for the Sophomore retreat. I was very impressed with the guys and how they were willing to talk about the growth they saw in themselves since their Senior retreat in November.

The Jesuit Sponsorship meeting up north was GREAT for a lot of reasons. I was inspired...had the chance to network with the experts...got closer to my coworkers...prayed...enjoyed a beautiful view. And I now know how much more important my job is in the larger scheme of things. We have such a unique identity at Verbum Dei, but acknowledging the similarities and differences between us and the other high schools just confirmed that God put me - along with the others who came along - in the right place.

I missed my students so much while I was gone that when I came back to all their goofiness, I couldn't help but laugh and smile at who they were being for me. I really am growing to love my boys, just as I did with my 6th graders at St. Paul. Each life is so precious...so full of potential...that you can't help but appreciate them.

Sophomore Retreat went well today, thanks be to God. We had our "moments" but patience abounded, and I think that was most crucial to the flow of the day. It always blows me away at how open our guys can be. They really share life experiences and feelings that they struggle with - it's awesome. Now that I'm taking a step back and looking at the big picture, it was a pretty positive experience. For every student who had a good time, I thanked God because I know it was Him who answered my prayers for souls to be touched, even just a little bit.

Justine struck a chord with me today...a very spiritually deep thinker, that one is. He was actually the only one who didn't really know me because I don't teach him. Funny that he ended up with us because of an interesting encounter we had in August during student orientation. It was nice catching up with Tim in the Taco Bar line. Jason and James gave their 110% with all that they offered to the participants. Brett, Claudell, and Marlon really took the talks seriously and put a lot of thought into what they were bringing to our group. Charles, Ethan, Miguel, and the Kelly twins went out of their way to say thank you. Jesus and Aldo came to visit after school. It was - as Gary always says - a very blessed day.

So, yes, grace was flowing. I just had to open my eyes a bit wider to see it there.

And there is more...I just don't know how to talk about it, so I will imitate Mary as she pondered the gifts of God in her own heart.

"Now more than ever I understand that the trivial events of our life are ordained by God. I feel this very precisely: everything comes from Him." - St. Therese

My heart belongs to You

If you ask God to come into every single aspect of your life, you will never have worry or distractions keeping you from prayer.

Top 10 Life Lessons so far...

1) Always appreciate the little things (i.e., butterflies and squirrels at LMU, ladybugs landing on me at the beach, the view of Corona Del Mar coming down MacArthur Blvd., phone calls from the special people in my life just to say hi, watching Leilani genuflect...just to name a few)

2) It's no use trying to make everyone happy. God's opinion is the one that matters most.

3) Pray for whoever you can whenever you can. You never know how much they really need it.

4) Don't make major life mistakes twice. There's a reason why you learn the lessons you do the first time around.

5) Let those you are thankful for know how much they mean to you. They may not be there tomorrow.

6) Heartache is proof that you're human. You can't avoid it if you're praying to love as Christ does, so be grateful that He's giving you the opportunity to replace your own fragile heart with His.

7) Everybody suffers in one way or another. Complaining is not going to make a bad situation any better. Don't waste your suffering. Use it as a means for your sanctification or for the conversion of others.

8) God's will resides in the deepest recesses of your heart. You've got to listen carefully for the whisper of His voice, guided by the desires that give you the most joy.

9) You are Jesus to someone. You may be the only Gospel they'll ever read, the only encounter with God they'll ever have. Let them meet Him in you...through your touch, your listening ear, the kind acceptance in your eyes, the gentle words of encouragement that flow from the goodness and mercy of Christ.

10) He knows what He's doing. Try not to mess with the Plan. But be comforted that even if you do, you can always come back and He'll be there to fix your mess. It's just a lot easier to trust in the beginning and, like Mama Mary says, "Do whatever He tells you."

"But You, our God, are kind and true; You bear evil patiently and order everything with mercy. Even when we sin we belong to You and acknowledge Your power, but aware that we belong to You, we shall not sin." (Wis 15:1-2)

Miracle of grace

From an email I got from Fr. Greg yesterday:

"Since I´ve left St. Peter Chanel I´ve realized even more what an incredible miracle of grace is taking place there. There are probably few parishes like it in the whole world."

Wow, there you go. Saintmakers.

Jesse Romero said last weekend that going to Heaven will be like a big wedding feast you don't want to miss out on. A Saturday night party with no curfew. I smiled to myself because last Saturday night I happened to be at a party and I had such a good time seeing a lot of old friends and catching up with them.

Just imagine what it'll be like when we get to Heaven. Fun times for all eternity. This world isn't our home, but yet how generous God is to give us people who devote their lives to help us get there.

Fr. Ed said it to me last Sunday: "I want the best for you. I want the best for him. I just want you to get to Heaven and I will do everything I can to make you saints."

That's the real deal. The Oblates don't mess around.

"Be alert, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong. Let love be in all." (1Cor 16:13-14)

The love of God has come to me...

"...I want to pass it on."

That's part of a song I heard sung by the choir at SPC on Friday night during communion that made me cry. They sang it again today during the 11:30 Mass while I was talking to Fr. Ed in his confessional. How timely, I thought to myself.

I cried because I realized how loved I was at that church. I don't say this selfishly. It was just this deep realization that love is the best gift anyone can give you because when people really love you, they are giving you God. In SPC's case, you are given God and in that is how they express their love.

Fr. Larry was saying that Friday night Mass. There's always something about him...perhaps the presence of God the Father that is revealed to me through him...the way he lifts up the Eucharist and says, "The Body of Christ, Marianne"...how he would tell me over and over again, "God loves you so much"...all of which I'm sure he does with many other parishioners, but when it all enters my heart, his love is received as if it was reserved just for me.

Just like God...loving us all as much as He loves Jesus but pouring Himself into each one of us so very personally.

But it's like the song says, "Once you have experienced it, you want to pass it on..."

The only way I will ever be able to love another person is for me to fully accept myself as a child of God. As I've said before, I'd been searching for who I was, and throughout my life I've held so many labels: daughter, sister, friend, student, leader, teacher, girlfriend, mentor...all of which had their expectations for what I was to give. This one, however, begins as a relationship that is sustained by the ability of the child's heart to receive the gift of the Father. Nothing is required but open hands and an open heart.

It's so simple yet so difficult to do sometimes.

What has amazed me recently is the way He had been preparing my heart for probably one of the best gifts He has ever given me. This story is so multifaceted that I wouldn't even know where to begin. I am starting to see how all the threads of my experiences are being woven together into the tapestry of my life. Jenn was the one who pointed it out to me today. None of it made sense before our conversation but after we talked, it dawned on me.

"Maybe we're living out His plan?" he asked. Yeah, I think so. More and more "not-so-random events" are making it quite obvious, to say the least.

The Carmelites...St. Peter Chanel...PAC...Kappa Psi Epsilon...St. Paul of the Cross leading to Verbum Dei...all related through another life created for the purpose of tying it all together. I'm still filling in puzzle pieces for those who need me. Danny is my one big reminder of that at the moment as the spiritual father-daughter line continues. But maybe sooner than later is God handing me the part of my picture that Jesus has kept veiled under His cross.

I had always loved the saying that goes something like,"The weight of the cross bears down upon your shoulders, but its grace helps you carry it."

So I meet Jesus time and again through Gary, who embodies the three theological virtues of faith, hope, and charity. I guess I just had to be willing to embrace my own cross in order to find that the shoulders that would share the burden were right beside me all this time. So true is St. Therese's famous quote: "ALL IS GRACE."

"May peace and love with faith from God the Father and from Christ Jesus the Lord, be with the brothers and sisters. And may His blessing be with all who love Christ Jesus, our Lord, with undying love." (Eph 6:23)

I left because...

...I needed to "find myself". But in the process, I learned that all this isn't about me. To some people, it is. They say that it's about time that I get what I want after everything that I've given.

That's not really how I'd rather look at all this.

I'm coming back because I'm keeping certain people company. That's how I see it. Me being in the blogworld. How many times have I come and gone? Taken a break and found that I missed people too much?

No man (or woman) is an island. If you haven't noticed, I'm writing about two things at the same time. So thank you for allowing me to ramble. =)

I'm not here to get what I want. I'm here to give what I can...what I've always wanted to but never could...not in the way I was made to.

So here and there I open up a little bit more. It seems like I'm already a pretty open person, but that's not even the half of it. Like I told Jaymee, there's always so much to say that I have to stop and think about what I need to share because my mind runs so much faster than my mouth does. And plus my time is so limited with people that I don't want to waste my life away talking about things that don't really matter, so I kind of pick and choose what we (me and whoever I'm talking to) enjoy sharing the most.

Jaymee, I wish I could hang out with you all day! haha...just an FYI.

Oh, time to go. Gotta see if they need help painting banners for the game tonight. TTFN.

p.s. Thank you, Lord, for Fr. Scott and everyone else around here who has been such a great help. My New Year's Resolution - not to feel overwhelmed even if I have a million and one things to do...

So they say...

On any given day, we need to spend at least half an hour in prayer communing with Our Lord. When it gets really busy, then we need to make it an hour.

You need an hour. You're tired and drained, but it will do you much good to see Him. Go now and rest in His arms. Leave all your burdens in His hands, for He cares for you.

"Watch your step when you go to God's house; it's a better offering to listen, than to present sacrifices..." (Eccl. 4:17)

St. Liz's Anima Christi

Soul of Jesus sanctify me
Blood of Jesus wash me
Passion of Jesus comfort me
Wounds of Jesus hide me
Heart of Jesus receive me
Spirit of Jesus enliven me
Goodness of Jesus pardon me
Beauty of Jesus draw me
Humility of Jesus humble me
Peace of Jesus pacify me
Love of Jesus inflame me
Kingdom of Jesus come to me
Grace of Jesus replenish me
Mercy of Jesus pity me
Sanctity of Jesus sanctify me
Purity of Jesus purify me
Cross of Jesus support me
Nails of Jesus hold me
Mouth of Jesus bless me in life,
in death, in time and eternity in the hour of death defend me - call me to come to thee, receive me with thy saints in glory evermore.

Unite me to thyself, 0 adorable Victim ... life giving heavenly bread feed me; sanctify me . . . reign in me, transform me to thyself; live in me, let me live in thee, let me adore thee in thy life giving Sacrament as my God ... listen to thee as to my Master ... obey thee as my King ... imitate thee as my model ... follow thee as my shepherd ... love thee as my Father ... seek thee as my physician who will heal all the maladies of my soul... be indeed my Way, Truth and Life... sustain me 0 Heavenly Manna through the desert of this world, till I shall behold thee unveiled in thy Glory.

~St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

There you find God

BANDA ACEH, Indonesia - A massive American military relief operation picked up steam Monday, with U.S. helicopters dropping off cartons of food aid in Sumatra and warships with 2,200 Marines arriving in the Malacca Straits to ferry supplies to the tsunami-battered Indonesian island.

As the death toll around the Indian Ocean rim approached 140,000, a delegation led by Secretary of State Colin Powell and Florida Gov. Jeb Bush began a trip that will include stops in Thailand, Indonesia and possibly Sri Lanka. The White House also said former Presidents Clinton and George H.W. Bush will lead a fund-raising effort for victims.

"I'd much rather be doing this than fighting a war," said helicopter pilot Lt. Cmdr. William Whitsitt of Great Falls, Mont.

It is difficult to watch but more difficult to endure. Life is good for some...for others, it is a living hell. This is the reality of the human condition. The tendency is to brush off what doesn't directly affect us, and if it does, to want to harden our hearts against any more pain.

The only way that the world has survived so many heart-wrenching disasters is because people pray and God over time brings healing.

So we pray for not only tangible help, but for healing of hearts and spirits as well.

Many of the survivors wish they were dead. Loss of loved ones and an uncertain future has left them in so much despair, but somehow someway God still reveals His love and providence. Why wouldn't He?

You know the Father to be so generous and merciful. He takes care of His children. He seeks out the lost sheep. He cares for every single one of you because He made you. Whether you aknowledge Him or not, He is still there. It does not change His mind about loving you.

Look at how your brothers and sisters are reaching out with assistance. Through them, you see His presence...

Trust, child, in His mercy and love. For all ages, He has sustained His people. No matter how much devastation surrounds you, life is still beautiful because like Fr. Grace said last night, "In the faces of the poor and suffering, there you find God."

New meaning to the question "Why?"

BANDA ACEH, Indonesia - Mourners in Sri Lanka used their bare hands to dig graves Tuesday while hungry islanders in Indonesia turned to looting in the aftermath of Asia's devastating tsunamis. Thousands more bodies were found in Indonesia, dramatically increasing the death toll across 11 nations to more than 52,000.

But the ministry said it had not yet counted deaths along the inundated and shattered towns of Sumatra's western coast, which soldiers and rescue workers were unable so far to reach — including the district of Meulaboh, where earlier the head of another agency estimated that 10,000 people were killed.

"Is this the fate that we had planned for? My darling, you were the only hope for me," cried one man for his dead girlfriend — his university sweetheart — as Buddhist monks held prayer nearby.

In Sri Lanka, more than 300 people crammed into the Infant Jesus Church at Orrs Hill, located on high ground from their ravaged fishing villages. Families and childres slept on pews and the cement floor.

"We had never seen the sea looking like that. It was like as if a calm sea had suddenly become a raging monster," said one woman, Haalima, recalling the giant wave that swept away her 5-year-old grandson, Adil.

Adil was making sandcastles with his younger sister, Reeze, while Haalima sat in her home Sunday morning. Haalima said the girl ran to her complaining that waves had crushed their castles, then came screams and water entered the home. "When we looked, there was no shore anymore and no Adil," she said.

Amid the devastation, however, were some miraculous stories of survival. In Malaysia, a 20-day-old baby was found alive on a floating mattress. She and her family were later reunited. A Hong Kong couple vacationing in Thailand clung to a mattress for six hours.

A blond two-year-old Swedish boy, Hannes Bergstroem, found sitting alone on a road in Thailand was reunited with his uncle, who saw the boy's picture on a Web site.


Rich and poor...the known and the unknown...all have been affected. The communal struggle continues as many lie in wait for aid to come. Thousands are still missing or unreachable. Nevertheless, many have been spared.

This puts your "whys" into perspective, doesn't it? Yes, this tragedy is doing the same for many other souls around the world. You who have chosen to unite yourselves with the remaining survivors at last see your own worries and concerns as nothing but a trifle compared to what your Southeast Asian brothers and sisters now have to face.

It is always good to be drawn out of yourself and reflect on the crosses of others. You will never again be selfish or ungrateful if in one way or another you attempt to help those who need more than you do.

Everyone has their stories of suffering and triumph. You have yours. They will have theirs. Just know that there will be more opportunities. Why? You said it yourself some time ago...you must plant thorns in order to get roses.

You're praying for miracles, little one, and they are being granted this very moment.

Trust and believe. The roses will bloom.

Drawing the world together

"The United States dispatched disaster teams and prepared a $15 million aid package to the Asian countries, and the 25-nation European Union promised to quickly deliver $4 million. Japan, China and Russia were sending teams of experts.

Egeland said he expected hundreds of relief airplanes from two dozen countries within the next 48 hours. "

When one part hurts, the whole body suffers. Yet there is always a greater good that comes out of deep pain and brokeness. This help is prayer answered. The world is not all bad because people still care enough to reach out. Not everyone may believe what you do, but God is nevertheless using them to bring hope and healing to those in despair. Compassion is ingrained in the human heart. Immediate action is the result of complete unselfishness without thought of the weight of sacrifice.

So keep praying. Pray that the relief teams are given the courage to face the magnitude of suffering they will encounter...that they will be the hands, the feet, and most of all the heart of Jesus to every soul they meet. Pray that this experience will change their own lives as they serve, and when they return home, that they will have a much deeper appreciation for what they have and who they have been blessed with.

And you, little one - do not waste your time on trivial things. You need to be free enough to move graces around the world...to also pray that more people will join you as intercessors...that the entire world will be moved to turn to God in this global heartache. Death and loss are never easy, and when it occurs in such extreme cases, it is only the grace of God that can carry the survivors through their grief.

For all the souls who have entered purgatory, O Lord, deliver them.

AN ANGEL HAS BEEN THERE
Into each life some tears much fall;
Our hearts may sometimes break.
And sorrows come to one and all,
For all must give and take.
But God never leaves us hopeless;
He listens to each prayer,
And when we're filled with peacefulness,
An Angel has been there.
- Clay Harrison

Carrying the world in your prayers

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka - Legions of rescuers spread across Asia Monday after an earthquake of epic power struck deep beneath the Indian Ocean, unleashing 20-foot tidal waves that ravaged coasts across thousands of miles and killed more than 13,340 people and left millions homeless in the fourth-largest temblor in a century.

People are dying every day. Today, it was over 13,340 all at the same time. There you are sitting in your warm bed, with your family safe and healthy. For so many others, it is not the same case.

Pray...that the Indian and Indonesian people will find comfort in their suffering...that those who have lost loved ones will have peace in their grief...that all will be drawn closer to God in the aftermath of this disaster.

If it were you, it would not be as easy. If this happened in California and you survived, how would you feel? Complete horror. Shocked to the point of numbness. Everything lost, including family and friends...gone.

Would you still hold on to your faith?

You cannot be there to help, but you can pray for restoration. It will take time...much time. You have always been called to intercede for those who cannot find it in their hearts to pray, so here is your job. There are many right now who are finding it very hard to turn to God.

Stand in the gap. Graces will flow. It doesn't matter how far away you are. You will be doing more good than you know.

Begin now. Nine days. For the good of those you have never met. They will be there to thank you someday.

Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary

You don't know what to say because there is nothing to say. You just give...offer...surrender...sacrifice. Take your heart and simply place it in the hands of Mary so that she will generously pass it on to Jesus. She does not hold anything for herself, and in this is your great example.

This is what you are doing for young Jeremiah. It is what you shall do for every single person in your life.

The most beautiful act of charity is bringing a soul to Christ. Here God has granted you a way in which you can do so with anyone you wish. Use it. Propogate it. Teach others about it so that they, too, will reap the Fruit of the Tree. Pray that many people will find the value, consolation and joy in belonging to Jesus and Mary.

It is very appropriate that your date of consecration is Christmas Day because it is a gift you give to the two most wonderful people who ever lived. You are coming back to its true meaning by celebrating the Celebrant and honoring the Woman whose "Yes" made it all possible.

There is still much work to do in your heart, as you have been feeling discouraged by your own failings, but know that you are resting in the mercy of God. When Peter approached Mary in sorrow for his denial of Jesus, he was giving himself to her so that he may come back to Him. You will make mistakes. You will not always love as you should. But every time you, too, approach Mary with a contrite spirit, she will help you overcome the disappointment you have in yourself...the heavy sadness that tempts you to feel you cannot ever be a saint.

The key to all this, little one, is prayer. Prayer, remember, is simply lifting your heart to God with all its hopes and aspirations...with all its joys and sorrows...successes and apparent failures. When you pray, God cannot help but hear you because He loves you. He will never be deaf to your cry. The Father most especially looks upon you with so much joy when you remember Him and His goodness.

Be patient with yourself, and be patient with others. You know what you were all made to be but only God knows what each soul needs to be purified. Temptation and sin are very real. The spiritual battle over souls wages on. But trust and believe that even as you are wounded...even when you are lost...He lays His claim on you.

Virtue is your weapon, your shield, your inspiration, and your prize because in attaining virtue you reach Christ and fight valiantly for Him.

You try your best and that's all you can really give. Criticize yourself less and praise Him more. Be mindful of your sins and root them out, but always fill the holes with the great love He has for you. Do not give the enemy room to plant more weeds.

The fastest way he extinguishes the light of God in your soul is to make you believe that it isn't there.

There is only one Truth and it is Christ. You belong to Him and His Mother. You were made by a God who has given you more than anyone in this world ever can. You are supported by all the faithful saints who have gone before you...who journeyed as you are in the grace of God through this pilgrim country to the eternal Homeland.

Your strength is in your God. Your consolation is in His Mother. Your power is in His Spirit. Your destination is His dwelling place. Each step of the pathway is your "fiat".

AMDG +JMJ

Eucharist in Mary and Through Mary

"Finally, we must do everything for Mary. We take Mary for our proximate end, our mysterious intermediary and the easiest way of reaching him. Relying on her protection, we should undertake and carry out great things for our noble Queen. We must defend her privileges when they are questioned and uphold her good name when it is under attack. We must attract everyone, if possible, to her service and to this true and sound devotion. As a reward for these little services, we should expect nothing in return save the honour of belonging to such a lovable Queen and the joy of being united through her to Jesus, her Son, by a bond that is indissoluble in time and in eternity."
- from True Devotion to Mary (265)

This preparation culminates in the Blessed Sacrament with Mary as the Tabernacle...Jesus as the fruit with Mary as the tree...He as the sacrifice and she as the hands that offered Him up. Are you ready to receive...to commit...to lift up...to die...to rise...in them, with them and for them?

I ask again, how is your heart? What are you thinking and experiencing right now? You notice that you don't feel much of anything. You actually are not supposed to either way. By now you understand that making the choice to give yourself to someone isn't about the feelings at all. It's like you said, the proof of someone's love for you will be the choice they make to pick up your cross and help you carry it. There isn't much value for "falling head over heels in love". The evidence will be their joining you along your passion because you will also choose to join them along theirs.

The same stands for your relationship with Christ. He wants to know as He asks you, too - "Do you love Me?" Your words and sentiments will surely make Him smile, but it is your presence with Him on Calvary that brings the most joy to His heart. Mary is not noted in Scripture to say very much, but she is there at the major milestones of salvation history: the fall of Man, the life of Christ, the death of Christ, the resurrection of Christ, the outpouring of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost, the growth of the early Church. And she will be there in the end, which will mark the birth of the new Jerusalem, as it is called. She lives her Fiat. So should you, little one. This will be your soul's greatest fulfillment - to move in the holy will of God throughout your entire life.

There is still much formation and purification necessary, for you have not yet learned all there is to know about love and true Christian service. Thus it is best that you open your eyes to the lessons that come to you each day with every encounter you have and situation you are allowed. If you are not paying attention, you may miss them, so pray that you will be in tune to the whisper of God at all times.

Just do what needs to be done, and whatever is out of your control, give back to Him...for it may be there for you to learn simply that you can't control everything.

"My heart is ready, O God! I will sing praise and make music. Awake my soul!" (Ps. 108:2)