Okay so I cried

Today was probably one of the best days I've had in my life. Busy yet simple. I love it that things are like this for me now. They just have to be.

Venice Beach Cleanup with the Verbum Dei boys - One of my guys asking me if I would help him with his spiritual questions and me responding, "I'll try, but it's up to you to believe what I say." Then he says, "Oh, come on, Ms. Soratorio...you have to tell me 'YES, OF COURSE I'LL HELP YOU!' Say it with confidence!" Man, was that a wake-up call. =) So when he asked me again, I laughed and I gave him the answer he needed the way he (and I) needed me to say it.

St. Paul of the Cross Fiesta - Being greeted with so many hugs from my kids, getting silly string sprayed all over me, and being thrown in jail as soon as I got there totally made my day. Lyn-Lyn, Leilani, and I stayed for the talent show, and just like last year, it was so great. I was really missing everyone, especially my old students. Sitting there in the lunch area watching so many of them get up on stage made me so grateful for the three years I was blessed with. They really don't know how much they changed my life. Always giving me a reason to smile...

Watching 50 First Dates at Em and Rob's - We laughed at ALL the same parts...that's the greatest thing about watching romantic comedy with my sisters, especially Em because she has a loud laugh and I don't feel dumb laughing out loud, too. There are very few people I really laugh with and she's one of my favorites in that category. And yeah, okay so like I said, I cried...I was laughing at myself because I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. So many thoughts diving deep down into my heart. That's exactly how I needed to end my day.

Something I'm learning to do is to live simply with as much peace as possible. I really thank Jaymee in particular for being the other half of my smile...for believing...for hoping right along with me. And I thank You, Lord (even if I thanked You yesterday, you deserve to be thanked every day)...I thank You for teaching me how to recognize my blessings and cherish the moments I'm given in the time I do have left here. There's so much to look forward to, and yet even in the NOW, there's so much to appreciate. I call it "treasure-hunting"...looking for the good in things at all times...seeking His face in all situations...finding His presence in all people...fun stuff, I must say. =)

Alrightee, I have to go and get some sleep. But yes, today was - without a doubt - a great day. Praise God.

A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

He reminded me of St. Maximilian Kolbe

I think it was the glasses...but when I watched him giving out communion tonight, Fr. John just made me think of the priest martyr who gave his life in place of another in Auschwitz about 60 years ago. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends. These men who serve at St. Peter Chanel - that's exactly what they do every day for us. If they were to be arrested just as St. Max was, there would be no hesitation to follow his example and give themselves as living sacrifices so someone else can live.

But God doesn't call all of us to die for him in that way. For most of us, we live a daily martyrdom...taking opportunities for self-denial and living for God alone. As far as the SPC priests are concerned, if they're not sleeping, they're busy hearing confessions, saying Mass after Mass, teaching catechism classes, visiting the sick, officiating weddings, encouraging couples to get married in the church, baptizing babies, doing funerals, tending to the needs of the poor in the community, going on retreats, guiding the laity in spiritual direction. I am so awestruck by the commitment they all have to their vocation, and they serve with an incredible amount of peace and joy because that's exactly what God made them to do.

Fr. John said in his homily that we don't know how long we have to live. "Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today. And today we need to live to become saints." He's right. That's what the Father hopes we realize. Time is not at our disposal. I'm just trying to get things straight in my own life so that I don't waste any of it doing things He doesn't want me to do. It's not the easiest thing in the world to carry out, I'll admit that, but when by His grace I'm brought back to the God whom I love, He starts showing me (like He did today) where I can find Him again in the simple, ordinary things and people right in front of me.

SO I MET JESUS TODAY...

- in all the parishioners at SPC during Mass tonight...seeing their reverence, knees bent and rosaries in hand...it's always amazing and humbling at the same time. Nothing brings me greater joy than going there to worship God with all of them even though we only know each other by face.

- in all of you, my friends, during my prayers for you...each and every one of you who I've been lifting up because you've asked me to pray. You've requested nothing more than my faithfulness to communicate to God the needs of your heart and soul...needs I am not fully aware of but nevertheless place in the Hands of Jesus with the hope He has sown in my own little heart.

- through the conviction sent to me by His Spirit that moves me towards daily conversion because every day I find myself needing to come back to Him and renew my commitment after failing to trust, love, believe, hope, serve, and give as He calls me to.

I'm sorry, Lord, for doubting You at times...for not having faith in what You can do...for complicating what is meant to be so simple...for not being able to see past my own pride and falling into thoughts and actions that cause me to drift away from You...for having too much confidence in myself without taking into account the limitations that are necessary for my well-being. Thank You for keeping me safe...for giving me people to guide me and walk with me, especially when it gets hard to stay on the path. Thank You for Your love, Your mercy, and Your grace.

Thank You for accepting me just as I am, but loving me enough not to leave me here. Thank You for Your correction...for Your enlightenment...for saving me from myself. Thank You for helping me be the smile I often do not see in myself and those I love so much when challenges come around. Thank You, most of all, for Your peace because it's something that I'd like to share with those who are having some difficulty finding it.You've never let me down, Lord.

You've never left anyone I know totally abandoned. You're GOD. That means You're everywhere...You're all-powerful...victorious...compassionate...merciful...all-knowing. There isn't anything or anyone above You. From the beginning of time to its end, You have and will continue to work miracles among us and within us. I'm counting on You, Lord, because You promised You'd always be with us.

So Kuya Jess, I'm getting out of Your way so You can do Your thing. READY, SET, GO...

A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

AWW...BUT YAY! (a.k.a. "finding joy in God's plan")

I'm still laughing about a check-up conversation I had last night w/Leo cuz he called me a B2-Bomber...hahaha =) It's quite the challenge being an idealistic realist. That's such an oxymoron...total contradiction...but that's how I've turned out, being that God made me a very hopeful person...always trying to look for the silver lining on dark clouds, rainbows after the storms, the potential butterfly in the caterpillar...but a couple years of SPC formation has trained me to be cautious. Not scared (though the temptation towards fear does get to me sometimes), but more along the lines of prudence so I'm not going against the will of God.

The pull of the world is strong, and I totally know what Fred's talking about when you sometimes feel like compromising your values and standards to keep up and get in "good" with everyone else, but I always ask myself if it's worth it. Then I go back to recent conversations I've had with Jaymee and Maurice about staying focused...deepening one's spirituality through prayer and your surrounding environment...and I remember, the ultimate goal is Heaven. That is the only joy promised to last forever. Really, it is.

My students asked me if they party in Heaven. I thought that was funny. I said, "Well, that all depends on what you mean by that. Are you asking if they have fun there? I'm sure they do!" And James asks, "Hey, Ms. Soratorio, will you party with me in Heaven when we get there?" haha...my kids are so cute...okay so they're 15-year-old guys and everything, but they still crack me up. =)

I'm extremely grateful for my life right now...just how it's been going, no matter whether it seems good or not so good...God's still in it all. I know I've been saying that lately, but honestly, I pray that I'll feel this way every day. Praise the Lord! Rob's blog totally echoes what's in my heart, and I'm happy, too, that he's experiencing this as well. When I was at the Moya house the other night, I noticed that he had that joyful presence I'd been hoping to see...very at peace with things. Not that you haven't been that way over the years, Robby, but it's great that the light of God is shining through the way it is in you now. I think it's the ukulele...hahaha =)

I'm glad you're my brother, Rob. I remember Em telling me in Maui: "All that's going to matter in the end, B.anne, is your family and the guy who loves you"...words flowing from her heart as my sister and your wife. So here you are with our family and I thank God that He made you a part of it.

Leilani, my sidekick, is another one I am SO super-thankful for. We share a lot of funny moments together...different adventures...normal everyday happenings...and it's always so great. Yesterday, as we were driving to SPC for Mass, she wanted to listen to the Jesus story on the way there and she asked me if we could go back and look at the Pope's stuff (she'd gone to the Vatican exhibit twice...hehe). I told her they had to take the "Pope's stuff" back because they belonged in his house. Then she got all excited to see Uncle Jay...no matter where he is in the church, she always seems to find him and point him out. Her face also lit up when she saw Tita Jenevee there, too. When we got home, she wanted to call Tita Jaymee so she could talk to Ahlauna on the phone. Lyn-lyn and I overheard their conversation and we couldn't stop laughing because she just took my cell phone and was going on and on. Haha...how cute! For the past four years, she's been the one who's held us together as a family ever since Daddy died. Definitely our little angel...

I love my family. Kings, that includes you, too. Jaymee gets extra credit because she can bake the best desserts...(with Mo's uh...supervision?) hehehe =) My mom is always there to pray and talk and listen. Abie is so full of practical advice. When we get "sister time", both Em and Lyn-lyn offer so much support in whatever it is I do. Each person is so awesome because we're all shooting for God's potential in our lives. He's always part of our conversation somehow. When someone's stressed out, someone else is there to say, "Just trust in Him. He'll take care of you." When everything's going well, we're thanking God together for His blessings.

But, really, all of you are the greatest because when I'm with you, I know who I am and can be me at all times. Sure, we've gone through lots of ups and downs...but having you here with our relationships turning out that much stronger just proves to me that His grace is truly the glue that binds us in spirit. For all the things that Love is in 1 Corinthians 13...patient, kind, without envy, not boastful or arrogant, not ill-mannered or self-seeking, overcoming anger and forgetting offenses, not taking delight in wrong, always rejoicing in truth, excusing everything, believing all things, and enduring all things...you all have shown to me.

I don't deserve all this, Lord, but I do thank You for who You've given me to love and to serve. I may not show my appreciation all the time, but I do pray that You'll show them how much You love them through what You can do in me. Amen.

A much needed reminder...

"We were all made to be great saints. Don't ever miss the opportunity to become one."
- Mother Angelica, EWTN

God really watches out for me. The least I can do is offer back to Him everything I have. When I give to people, I run the risk (there's that word again) of not receiving anything in return, which is okay because that's love, right? Hmm...though I'm thinking that we shouldn't give to God solely because He gives to us. I offer my life because I just love Him. Does it always show...this love for Him? Sadly, no, not always. But He knows I try, and He accepts what little comes from my hands.

I just have to thank Him for everything He gave to me today, in particular. So much threatens to throw me off, but I can't deny the grace anymore because it's been incredibly evident in my life lately...what He's shown me about myself...how He's been instructing my mind and my heart...what He's protected me from over the years...most especially in the amount of His peace He gives me that truly does surpass all understanding.

So, thank you, Lord. I'm not scared anymore of growing through the lessons you share with me. It's all necessary, it really is. I can see that now. In the end, it's going to be great because You promised it would be. Heaven awaits. The challenge presented to us is to bring a piece of it down here to earth. If I can do that for the people in my life, dear Jesus, so that they will strive even harder for the eternal reality, please make that my life's mission. Amen.A.M.D.G. + J.M.J.

Some people think I'm too extreme when it comes to how I live my life. So maybe it's true - I don't know. One thing I do know is that whenever I make a decision, I try to ask myself, "If I had a daughter, how would I hope she would act?"

This goes for a lot of things in my life...career, relationships, friendships, family life...just because I want to be able to tell my kids some day that there is another way of going about making choices as opposed to just going with the flow of the world.

I am careful because I'd want them to be careful. I pray a lot about things because I'd like them to pray a lot about things, too. I don't rush into anything because I'd hate to see them make rash decisions and get themselves into trouble - physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

Granted that there will come a time when I have to let experience teach them what I can't, should there ever come a day when they question what I preach, I can tell them what has worked for me and why.

Heartache is the worst thing in the world to go through. I myself have become very good friends with it but I can't say that I welcome it freely. At the same time, I have loved loving the people God has sent to me and I can't imagine being any other way.

But I know what my mom means now when she was saying that everything is a "calculated risk".You weigh the pros and cons, then you make the choice to accept whatever consequences (good or bad) come with your decision. That's the scary part, but it's actually the most responsible method.

A lot of people live in a world of "what-ifs" that keep them from doing things they really want to do. I take "leaps of faith" all the time and I've suffered somewhat from occasional crash landings. But I must tell you that I don't regret any of it.

When I rewind back to different things I've tried, places I've worked, people I've let into my heart, I then find myself asking a different question: "What if I never did this? What if I never met that person? WHAT IF I NEVER TOOK THE RISK?"

So amidst all of these random thoughts, I'm feeling pretty good about where I'm at. Not satisfied, of course, because there's much I still need to learn and improve in myself. But at least I don't wish that I lived someone else's life or had more than I have right now.

I'm okay...I really am. Actually, I'm more than okay. Life is great. =)

My Journey to Holiness

...a class project assigned for Religion with the objective of creating a visual representation of "spiritual helps" to keep us on the right path. I told the kids that I was going to be copying things from their posters, so I might as well share them here with all of you. I got all teary-eyed when they were doing their presentations because I was so impressed with them all. Here are my favorite snippets from each project...

Mark - "Love is the key to God's kingdom!"

Adrian - "The footsteps on the path are the good things we do to become holy."

Brian - (re: a picture of Jesus on the cross) "Look at his face. Such a kind a gentle face. How could you question who he is? This man brings us closer to God."

Elizabeth - has a picture of a relative of hers who became a Saint...St. Toribio Romo...who died at the age of 22 as a martyr during the Christian persecution in Mexico

Jessica - copied Javan's "Thank You" poem...I didn't recognize it when she had read it for the class, and I was like, "Wow, that's so inspiring..." She actually got it from 2_be_love...hahaha....duh, Ms. S (I say to myself)

Veronica - (she says to the devil) "So bring on your ultra-super-whatever because I'm ready." Also included Titus 3:3-5..."But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us not because of righteous things we had done but because of his mercy."

Mary - her collage included pictures of things and people who lead her closer to God...I especially liked the pictures she took of her scapular and rosary set against her St. Paul blue and grey plaid uniform skirt...that was cool. =)

Charlotte - pictures of her and her cousins receiving the sacraments...it's so great that she sees the importance of those events in her life...

Eric - ah yes, the one who said he had nothing to put on his poster did a pretty good job...simple words saying so much...LOVE, FAITH, PRAYER, CHOICES, SPIRIT, HELP...that's definitely not nothing...

Lily - "The rosary gets me closer to God by praying every day. If you pray every single day, it's like taking one step closer to Him. Rosaries are very powerful to pray because it's a weapon against the devil. And if you pray the rosary, it's taking one step away from the devil."

Michelle A. - wrote out the Our Father, Glory Be, and Angel of God prayers in Spanish....I liked that...seeing the universality of our faith crossing all cultures for all people of all times...

Monica - her "Daily Pilgrimage to Purgatory" booklet...I need to get myself one of those...here's an excerpt from the origin of this devotion: "In the writings of St. Margaret Mary we read: 'In union with the divine Heart of Jesus make a short pilgrimage to Purgatory at night. Offer Him the activities of the day and ask Him to apply His merits to the suffering souls. At the same time, implore them to obtain for you the grace to live and die in the love and friendship of this divine Heart. Fortunate you will be, if you succeed in obtaining the deliverance for some of these imprisoned souls, for you will gain as many friends in heaven."

Alyssa G. - prayer to St. Maria Goretti: "Oh Saint Maria Goretti who, strengthened by God's grace, did not hesitate even at the age of twelve to shed your blood and sacrifice life itself to defend your virginal purity, look graciously on the unhappy human race which has strayed far from the path of eternal salvation. Teach us all, and especially youth,with what courage and promptitude we should flee for the love of Jesus anything that could offend Him or stain our souls with sin. Obtain for us from our Lord victory in temptation, comfort in the sorrows of life, and the grace which we earnestly beg of thee (here insert intention), and may we one day enjoy with thee the imperishable glory of Heaven. Amen."

Justin - in the middle of his poster is a drawing that his little sister made for him saying "Jesus is alive!" (so cute!)...he also shows the beauty of the cross in so many different forms...wow...

Amanda - "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world." Amen...

Yilean - I wish you could see this one...it's beautiful...especially the pictures of the saints...Therese, John Bosco, Joan of Arc, Bernadette...

Natalia - hers was filled with sayings with so much wisdom..."Confess your sins and come closer to God...He is waiting."

"Love is more beautiful in the company of fear because it is in this way that it becomes stronger. The more one loves God, the less one feels fear." - Padre Pio

"Today I let go and let God take charge of this life of mine. Now in the dark corners of my soul His light is beginning to shine. All the cares and worries that I carried around for so long He has lifted them from my shoulders and filled my heart with love. Problems that were overwhelming suddenly seem very small, and come what may, starting today, I know I can handle them all."

Brianna A. - she put my picture in the middle of a cross...I was thinking to myself, "Hmm...I've never been in the middle of a cross like that before." But then I realized that it's exactly where God has been calling me to be...right there with Jesus...

Marissa - she found this poem about cancer and read it to the class...I thought of Auntie Clarita and a few other people I know who had to struggle with some form of it. It was such a comfort to hear...
"Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot eat away peace,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the Spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection."
- Dan Richardson

Brianna C. - "Why do these people lead me closer to God?" (excerpts)
- Kenny (brother) leads me closer to God by not doing anything dumb that would make God mad
- My parents help me get closer to God by telling me not to listen to anyone who makes fun of my religion
- Karina and Alicia (friends) help me get closer to God by me seeing them just getting confirmed makes me excited for my future as a Catholic
- Christina helps me get closer to God by showing me that it doesn't matter how old you are, anyone could be a follower of God
- Jesus leads me closer to God by helping me to understand better what God wants from me

...okay I have 35 kids, so I'm going to finish tomorrow...=) Gosh, I'm really going to miss them. At least I can say that for three years of my life, I was a part of this school...this community...I was a part of their lives in a way that not very many people get to experience. Nothing in this world would be able to replace the lessons I've learned from them as their teacher. My students have been such an integral part of my own growth and healing. Jesus, I met you today...I meet you every day in each one of them...

Maureen just stopped by...I love her...yes, my mom...one of the many here at SPOC...asking about how things are going...telling me I need to go home (I'm at school right now). I guess it's about that time...I do need to rest and grade papers, too. Progress reports come out on Wednesday...

Some of the kids found this site, so you may notice some of them tagging...they all asked for the address...hi, kids! =) We have Mission Olympics tomorrow...I wish I could play volleyball! But no overexertion, I know. I think they're going to ask Lyn-Lyn to play...faculty and staff against the 8th graders....we beat them last year! Lyn-Lyn also visited during religion today and she came to see me a little while ago telling me about talent show try-outs. Apparently there were 30 kids at lunch doing the "Anything" dance...yeah, she's teaching it to the 2nd graders...they even have a little Jesus...how cute is that! I can't wait to see it...everyone's been talking about it. I'm so glad she's here...

Alrightee, I'm going home now. Until tomorrow...blessings to you, my friends...

Do not fear or be disturbed

"Who can harm you if you devote yourselves to doing good? If you suffer for the sake of righteousness, happy are you. Do not fear what they fear or be disturbed as they are, but bless the Lord Christ in your hearts. Always have an answer ready when you are called upon to account for your hope, but give it simply and with respect. Keep your conscience clear so that those who slander you may be put to shame by your upright, Christian living. Better to suffer for doing good, if it is God's will, than for doing wrong." (1Pt 3:13-17)

"Given that Christ suffered in His human life, arm yourselves with this certainty: the one who suffers in his body has broken with sin so as to spend the rest of his life following the will of God and not human passions." (1Pt 4:1-2)

"The end of all things is near; keep your minds calm and sober for prayer. Above all, let your love for one another be sincere, for love covers a multitude of sins. Welcome one another into your houses without complaining. Serve one another with the gifts each of you received, this becoming good managers of the varied graces of God. If you speak, deliver the word of God; if you have a special ministry, let it be seen as God's power so that, in everything, God may be glorified in Jesus Christ. To Him belong glory and power forever and ever. Amen." (1Pt 4:7-11)

Praise God for St. Peter...for Scripture...for faith...for hope...for love.

My dear Sam...

Happy 27th birthday to Jennifer Felisan! Wow, we go way back...meeting through her cousin Roland (my ditching-school-to-eat-churros buddy) in 1995...doing all that PAC stuff together...founding Kappa Psi Epsilon together...having the tightest KPsiE Exec Board ever (no offense to the younger girls but the b.anne-elle-jenn-chel combo was dope)...Palm Springs retreat outside at the jacuzzi of Barcelona 1...oh man, that's when it all started...San Diego hotel on the beach (is that jenn writing our letters in seaweed?)...sharing the loss of our dads...all the Monks events and weekend trips...confession at St. John Vianney and eating at The Boat as a reward after (yes, absolution was great but thai food made it even better!)...OHIO (girl, you flew all the way out there just for me, dang...another reason why I need to get a book written)...being on the plane and hearing you say, "I will miss the Shire, Frodo", and so the Fellowship began with the two of us...of course, there's our friend, John, who we found behind the church, remember?...going to Roland's birthday party as Crouching Tiger girls...meeting dave for the first time and being SOOOO happy for you...our "How do you do it, b.anne?" IM conversation (hahaha...yeah, hi to you, too, jenn!)...growing closer to God and closer to each other...

You have done so much for me, I will never have the words to express how grateful I am for a friend like you. You've been there through EVERYTHING and I can't imagine how I could have survived it all without you. Thank you for taking care of me and my family...for joining us at St. Pius and serving for SH as long as you could...for warning me about coming home and possibly getting in trouble, hehe. You are truly one-of-a-kind, and everyone around you knows it. Thanks for all the laughs...for all the talks...for all of the letters on Wonder Woman stationery you send to me. =) Thank you for the hope you inspire in me and for the smiles you spark in us all. God only knows how much I miss you...

So I'll be seeing you soon...more memories to make as life takes us further down the road where every day is always an adventure for Frodo and Sam. I love you so much, Jenn...

"I made a promise, Mr. Frodo! A promise! Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee! And I don't mean to. I don't mean to." - Sam

"I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you." (2Kgs 20:5)

Yes, Mass was great, and I left smiling, too. On the eve of this feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes, I felt something change within me. Last night was a "marker" for me, as Papa Jon calls them...important events that leave an impression on your life experience and, therefore, on the growth of your soul. Just like conversion, healing is not a one shot deal. It is a time-honored process. Like Fr. Andrew said to me tonight, events come in waves... He described to me exactly what I had been experiencing in my relationship with God...in my reaction towards life...brought me back and helped me see as I prayed in front of the Blessed Sacrament no longer the scars that I'd been carrying, but now all of the joys I had been allowed. "Hold on to the consolations," he told me, "for they will help you through many of your trials." And so I immediately thought of what made me smile...what once brought so much joy to my heart. When I approached Him in adoration, He made it all the more clear to me, and I remembered. Some of the very things I had lost in recent months had been recalled with memories of pain, but God somehow removed those attachments and showed me once again the beauty of Carmel...of family...of friendships...of community...of life...of love. He revealed the richness each of these brought to my soul and reminded me that all was necessary in order to bring me into a deeper state of strength and resilience. So I take the small wooden cross placed in my hands last night by Brother Augustine and reflect on its meaning...for while its weight bears down upon us, its grace sustains us in every step.

THE HEART OF THE PURE
"My own concerns no longer concern me: from now on I must belong entirely to God, and God alone. Never to myself.

Mary sacrificed all, and God alone took the place of all. Following her example, from now on, the Lord alone will be my lot. Why have I come here, if not to love our Lord with all my heart. As a proof of my love for Him, I must follow the example of Mary, suffer and generously sacrifice all to Him. Courage my soul, prayer is all powerful, the heart of Jesus is there, let us knock.

O Divine Jesus, engrave in my heart the love of your cross and let me imitate that love of your cross, like him who said that, if after having served you for a hundred years you would grant him to suffer just one hour for love of you, he would believe all his services well rewarded.

O virtue little known, but how sure!

O Jesus and Mary, grant that all my consolations in this world may be to love you, serve you, and suffer for sinners.

O Jesus, teach me to understand how exclusive is heavenly love. Free, draw, and raise all my affections. May my crucified heart be buried forever in yours, in the mysterious wound opened by the sword.

O Jesus, I would rather die a thousand times than be unfaithful to you.

O Mary Immaculate!... O glorious Saint Joseph, and you Saint John, beloved disciple of the Divine Heart, teach me the great science of love. May I be strongly drawn towards it! That I may take flight and lose myself, be united and hidden in the adorable heart of Jesus, Jesus crucified, source of charity, of purity, of annihilation, and of perfect submission.

Continually dying to myself, peacefully supporting trials, I work, I suffer, and I wish to have no other witness but His heart. He who is not prepared to suffer all for the beloved and do His holy will in all things, is not worthy of the sweet name of friend.

For here on earth, love cannot live without suffering.

It is through loving the cross that we discover His heart, for divine love never lives without loving."
- St. Bernadette Soubirous

"Blessed be God, the Father of Christ Jesus our Lord,
who in Christ has blessed us from heaven with every spiritual blessing.
God chose us in Christ before the creation of the world
to be holy and without sin in His presence.
From eternity He destined us in love
to be His sons and daughters through Christ Jesus,
thus fulfilling His free and generous will.
This goal suited Him:
that his loving-kindness which He granted us in His Beloved
might finally receive all glory and praise.
For in Christ we obtain freedom, sealed by His blood,
and have the forgiveness of sins.
In this appears the greatness of His grace,
which He lavished on us.
In all wisdom and understanding,
God has made known to us His mysterious design,
in accordance with his loving-kindness in Christ.
In Him and under Him God wanted to unite,
when the fullness of time had come,
everything in heaven and on earth." (Eph 1:1-10)

"May the God of Christ Jesus our Lord, the Father of Glory, reveal Himself to you and give you a spirit of wisdom, that you may know Him.
May He enlighten your inner vision, that you may appreciate the things we hope for, since we were called by God.
May you know how great is the inheritancce, the glory, God set apart for His saints; may you understand with what extraordinary power He acts in favor of us who believe." (Eph. 1:17-19)

Ministry

You don't have to wait to be at a certain "level" of spirituality in order to be used by God...He can work through anyone who is willing to give their "yes". Nor does God limit His gifts to a certain personality type or those whose state of life is only directly involved in serving the church as a pastor, priest, nun, or deacon.

This charcoal drawing of Jesus and these paintings are a result of the answer to a call from God to my brother, Albert, who loves to express himself through art. I have always known he was good, but it wasn't until seeing the fruit of his talent bring others closer to Jesus and deeper in prayer did I realize the potential of grace that could flow from a heart out through his hands.

The Fourth Purpose in The Purpose Driven Life speaks of ministry in such a beautiful yet very practical way. Here are some quotes from Rick Warren that elaborate more on what I'm talking about...

"Anytime you use your God-given abilities to help others, you are fulfilling your calling."

"Figure out what you love to do - what God gave you a heart to do - and then do it for His glory."

"Only you can be you."

"God designed each of us so there would be no duplication in the world. No one has the exact same mix of factors that make you unique. That means no one else on earth will ever be able to play the role God has planned for you. If you don't make your unique contribution to the Body of Christ, it won't be made."

"To discover God's will for your life, you should seriously examine what you are good at doing and what you're not good at."

"Whatever you're good at, you should be doing for your church!"

I just finished listening to two talks on cd produced by St. Joseph Radio...one is an interview with Jim Caviezel, who plays Jesus in Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ and the other one was an interview with two Carmelites - Sister Timothy Marie and Sister Genevieve Marie (from Alhambra!) - and Fr. Norbert Wood about their reactions to the movie. It just goes to show that you can do anything you love and have it bring glory to God. Jim offers up his talent for acting, Mel Gibson gives his gift for production and direction, and the religious present God with their insights to share with us from a perspective of ones totally in love with Jesus. Just goes to show that there are many avenues of service and ministry...

All I have to do is look around me and I see this so clearly in the people I encounter every day. Each one brings to God the very gifts and talents instilled within them...doing what they love and are obviously good at. This isn't purposed to bring glory to ourselves, though many times worldly recognition may come from "going public". It is important that in all things we credit Him first. "We are blessed so that we may bless others." I love that statement. Thus we gaze into the heavens and say, "Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to serve you. I don't even deserve to be in your Presence, yet these opportunities to reach people give me the chance to imitate you in the little I can do for you." There is nothing so small and insignificant that is not noticed by Him. We are many parts...we are all one body...and each part is greatly needed. Amen.

Agh! It's midnight...okay, a few minutes past and I should be sleeping...but I have a lot to write down...

Thank you, Lord, for helping us out today...for being in the middle of it all when little things were making us anxious...for giving me the courage to speak to the kids, especially the ones who didn't really want to be there...for giving Glenn the words...we were both nervous. Thank you for giving Jackie her voice back...for the rest of the choir as always...for Emeline who hopped on and took my place to sing...for Robby and Fred who rocked the house as usual...for Jason's 99 on Magic Mic singin' "his song"...for Jay's simple presence...for JF's drum-drum-drummin' and his Valentine's Day humor...for all the kiddos that didn't want to give up the mic (especially Ines and Co. + Mark on "Pretty Woman")...for all of our hard-working parents. Thank you for a very challenging Bible Study discussion on service...then switching the topic back to the preservation of purity and taking a twist towards accountability...for all the shared insights and the deep honesty that came out of it all. Dorothy was right...it's really interesting watching the dynamics of the four guys, each with their own personalities, views and questions. I wish I knew more so I could explain better...particularly in regards to purity issues...but knowledge doesn't really help a whole lot if it's not backed up by experience...that I have some of, so that was all I could really share. It's great to see young men valuing the gift as much as You ask them to. Rare is the breed...though I'm finding that there are more out there than I thought. So suffice to say that not all men are pigs. Actually, I can't remember the last time I saw a guy with a snout (sorry, JF's corny humor is infecting me, agh dang nabbit!)...okay, I think I'm done now.

Good night, dear Jesus... I love You. You're the greatest...really, You are. You know that already, but I thought I'd just tell You because it's something that helps me remember who You are for me. Until the morning...

I decided to do it..."Batteries not Included, Assembly Required"...might as well try it out because after all, it is a new creative avenue and who knows what will come out of it. It's something different...out of the ordinary for me. Jei Franxis and his friend, Arlene, are putting together a theater group called Imagining Reality that's basically centered around getting out the "good message" to high school students...letting them know that there are forms of media and stage performance catering to their needs in a way much varied from what's already out there.

The audition was a favor I did for JF since he's helped me out so much, though I must admit being wary of the time commitment at first. We met yesterday to take a look at the script of the first play and I realized that this is something I've always wanted to do but never followed through with. It's low-pressure because JF's just like that...and I finally get to see the work that would have otherwise been thrown away (I've talked to him time after time about this being-a-writer-and-using-your-gift business...but dang, this means that I'll have to get on with my program now that he started his). They explained their focus and mission to us and I sat well with the fact that God would be in the middle of it all. This one is based on 1Corinthians13 following the ACTS format...I was impressed, as I told JF when he called me afterwards to ask me what I thought...so simple yet straight to the point and very relatable to matters of the heart in anyone's life. It seems manageable, for now. We'll see...

It does help that more people are stepping up to help out with HeavenSent and I'm finding my place now in the ministry...not having to do as much but still giving what I can with what God has given to me. The once-a-month Confirmation talks will be fun...that's more of what I'm comfortable with. In SH, fellowship stuff was always more for people like Em and Jason to handle. For now we're just starting off light with socials to get the kids interested...this is all going to take some time to develop...we can't expect too much to happen so soon. It's good that we have the regular Youth Masses every month...if anything the kids will grow to appreciate that first because that's what it's all about. We have to hold on to Jesus as the driving force behind everything we do and turn to Him in all things, no matter whether the events are spiritual, educational, or social.

Saturday was such a productive day... The Lord of the Rings Retreat was very thought-provoking...Fr. Tim did a wonderful job of relating the struggles of Frodo, the fidelity of Sam, and the Joy of the Fellowship to our own lives as Christians. When Fred walked in, he showed me his "Aragorn" nametag...haha...no coincidence, eh? I choked up during the first talk because I could relate quite closely to everything Fr. Tim was saying about Frodo. During the "Sam" talk, I totally thought of Jenn because it paralleled her personality in so many ways. Saying "yes" to the quest that entails great burden but leads to immense joy...facing the consequences of our decisions, knowing that one simple choice made in either wisdom or folly can affect the future of a multitude of souls...there are more lessons than most people are able to see...I thank God for J.R.R. Tolkien, his love for writing, and his love for God. The most fruit is borne out of a life that is faithful to doing the things he loves...right, Leo? Look at the bookmark...and in your heart...

Continuing on with The Purpose Driven Life...fourth purpose - "You were shaped for serving God"...I have to catch up on my reading...

"We are simply God's servants... Each one of us does that work which the Lord gave Him to do: I planted the seed, Apollo watered the plant, but it was God who made the plant grow." (1Cor 3:5-6)

"...hold on to grace."

"Give me souls, take all the rest."

Wow...what a night! Thank you to Rob and Em for hosting the Bible Study...how funny that the group was made up of leaders from four different communities: Servant's Heart, Love and Faith, Liwanag, and HeavenSent...all serving and sharing...acknowledging our desperate need for Him as our Source of strength. If anything, it was a beautiful arrangement of souls wanting to love Him more in the work He has commisioned for each ministry, and specifically for each life. How awesome was that. Can we do it again soon?

Anthony and Raymond are HILARIOUS...hahahahahahahaha =)

And later I was humbled...so very humbled. The Lord never fails at showing us exactly what we need to change, not because He's trying to spite us but because He loves us so much that He doesn't want anything standing in the way of our relationship with Him...especially the false "truths" we make up for ourselves and many temporal attachments we have such a hard time letting go of. Through a simple invitation, God used Leo to get me to Holy Family in order to teach this lesson to me. It's all about putting Jesus first...where our greatest fear is not losing the things we have or the people in our lives...but that we should fear more than anything in the world losing HIM.

Okay, good night...sweet dreams everyone...I'll see you when I see you...God bless!

Begin

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud wasmore painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anais Nin

Write...write...write. I went to a writing workshop today for St. Paul given by this speaker, Greg Denman. It was very informative and it inspired me to get back into expression. There was a lesson he taught us called "People" which gives us a simple format for lyrical poetry. The instructions are to think of adjectives that describe the way people look. Then you take one of the words and find two other words that rhyme with it, inserting them into the blanks provided on the page. This is what I came up with:

There are happy people,
sappy people,
people-who-feel-crappy people.

Brilliant, eh? hahaha j/k... That's just one verses. I may actually compose a full length poem like he did because it was one of the more fun exercises we had done during the workshop.

Leilani was just here in my room, sitting in my lap and hanging out. I was holding her, realizing that it's those moments I really need to cherish because time does indeed fly by so quickly and she won't be so little anymore. Hey, she said that my room is so pretty..."You cleaned it up?" Ah, yes, she, too, noticed how chaotic it has been since I got so busy. I at least got to put my clothes away and sort out all the papers I have left to grade. Not done yet...but I'm making progress.

Progress...that's the current theme of my life. I'm re-reading this book by Julia Cameron...one of my favorites...called The Right to Write. It has exercises in it to help the reader-called-to-be-a-writer voice on paper (or in this case, computer) what has laid dormant within the soul for so long. I had gone through it a few years ago, but I thought it would be good for me to reflect again on what was and is important. This book was such a great aid for that particular purpose when I was trying to figure out who I really was. So this is my first "Initiation Tool"

...Begin where I am - physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For three pages? Oh goodness, okay. I made an appointment to see Dr. Patel on Monday because I'd been having stomach pains during the last week. They've been bearable most of the time, but my mom seems to think it might be something serious. I meant to see him today, but there weren't any slots available after 4 when I got out of my workshop. Health has been quite up and down for me, but I thank God that I haven't been as sick as I was last school year.

Mrs. Reich asked me the other day if I was still pursuing life in the convent, and I had explained to her that those doors have been closed. It was a difficult part of my faith journey, but it seems that He has other plans for me...plans that I myself am in the process of discovering. Elaine and I were saying that we can't believe it has been a whole year since all of that had taken place. I remember telling Susan that I probably wasn't going to come back to St. Paul the next year because I had put in my application for the Candidacy Program with the Carmelites. Who would have thought, huh? Sister Marina said she saw it in my eyes. Saw what, though? The call? Hmm... I don't know, but nonetheless, the following months were spent asking Him what exactly He was doing. Well, what do you know...He wouldn't tell me.

I wanted to be able to trust Him, but I didn't understand at the time that wanting to learn that kind of a lesson was going to take some practical experience. In retrospect, I see why I went through what I did. I have learned...I believe in...I have experienced...now...I know. Now I feel...good. I'm doing my best to take care of myself...trying to eat when I don't feel like it...because although I love food, sometimes I'm just not hungry or I think about how much it'll hurt later. The naps in the afternoon have been great, and during the past few nights, I've been getting to sleep before midnight. Some time soon, I'll attempt to fit some form of exercise into my schedule since I know that even a little bit will help my energy level. The Sunday morning walks/jogs at Liberty Park with my sisters and BiLs sound appealing, but I just have to get myself up pretty early. I walked into the faculty lounge and saw an announcement on the white board for weekly Tae Bo sessions in Room 1 once a week with everyone...hehe...that sounds fun. =) We'll see...

Last night's Heaven Sent Choir Practice went really well, at least from what I could hear. Glenn and I were planning out our talk for the Confirmation kids this coming Sunday and I was just listening to them play/sing. It was awesome. The singers have so much energy and love for what they do. Fred, Mike, and Robby even came out to help with instruments. Their support has been so valuable to me...to us. I told Dorothy that I think I'll be sitting out in the congregation just feeling it all this time since they're good to go on their own. Side note: As I was walking to my car at Embassy Suites today, I saw this big truck parked in the lot with the words HEAVEN SENT across it...I smiled...aww...yay! Praise God for reminders like that...

Inspiring conversation with Glenn, by the way, after we were done talking about what we needed to do. Brokenness...unworthiness...inadequacy...the image of a glass vase shattered into hundreds of pieces on the ground...Jesus picking up every single piece...we're wondering what He's going to do with it all...how He can possibly salvage anything from the remains of our broken spirits...puts them all into the fire to remelt them and create something even more exquisite than before. That's what He's doing with us...though the fire scorches, it is necessary...there is no other way to restoration.

Already a month into this new year, my heart is filled with such excitement for all the good things God has in store for us. There are so many opportunities to encounter Him just in February alone. I'm going to hang out with SH tonight at Em and Rob's then it's off to Holy Family's First Friday Stations of the Cross. Tomorrow it's the Tolkein Retreat at St. Peter Chanel...I'm still not sure what I'll be doing in the afternoon...Imagining Reality...SCRC Young Adult Core...Fr. Fogarty's birthday...I know I'll have to miss something...is it valid to ask God for the gift of bilocation? haha... Sunday is another Youth Mass at St. Paul and PDL Bible Study afterwards. Next Friday is Jenn's birthday and the KPsiE Founding Mom Dinner...the Called to Faithfulness Conference on the 14th...Lyn-Lyn's birthday on the 16th...Religious Ed Congress the following weekend...the Days of the Lord Retreat the weekend after that...Ash Wednesday on the 25th with the Passion coming out! I need this stuff...I really do. Like I said before, it's time. You'd think I'd go crazy with so many things to do, but these are all events that help bring me purpose and get me back on track.

March will be a lot calmer...I want to take my mom out on one of the weekends so we can have our "day". It was nice going with her to the healing Mass with Fr. Faricy last Friday in West Covina and being out with her for her birthday lunch with Jane and the family on Sunday. I felt bad because I knew that going to the Bereavement Ministry core meetings at SPV would be hard...physically and emotionally...I'm just not ready for that right now even if it was something we had both wanted to do for a long time...so we're finding other things to do together.

I haven't seen some of my friends in the longest time, too. Good update with Cha last night...I miss them...how funny that Angie is her friend! The Chili's night out with Criselle and Eileen was a lot of fun...yes, good times. The Monks as of late have been super busy...I haven't seen them since our Kris Kringle at Macaroni Grill. Cousin Chel and Dre are engaged, finally! I'm really happy for them. She definitely deserves a great guy like him...those two match so well...like Rob and Em...Nol and Eileen...Jaymee and Maurice...Mike and Lyn-Lyn...Jenn and Dave...how cute...aww...I love it. =)

As for me, I'm just enjoying life as it is...finding simple things to be grateful for and appreciating the blessings that God has been so graciously pouring down upon my life. The questions I had been asking during the past year have changed in their nature, but over time, I have come to understand that every prayer...every request...every thought is heard by God and is answered in His own timing with my best interests in mind. I have my family, my friends, my co-teachers, my students, my community, my God. I have a job that I love, new experiences that help stretch my soul, a life that is always full of big and little surprises. If we spend our waking moments thanking Him for everything He's given to us, there is no time to think about all the things we don't have. As a result of this "attitude of gratitude", we are filled with joy multiplied a thousand times over when God decides to add to the blessings that we already have. In my relationships with others and with the Lord, I have always equated the importance of the three words "I love you" with the two words "Thank you". When we have a hard time saying the first, we can always offer the second. Both are always received warmly...

So there you have my first Writing Exercise. Of course there's more, as there always is, but it'll just have to wait. Tomorrow is another day, so I'm going to finish this one off well with God, prayer, community and friendship...it's what makes the world go round. Until next time...

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1Cor.2:9)

Jesus, give me true love which is ever devoted and thankful to You, always trusting in You, even when I do not taste the sweetness of serving You; for there is no living in love without some sorrow. Let me ever remember that whosoever is not ready to suffer all things out of love and to stand resigned to the will of his beloved, is not worthy to be called a true lover. Then direct everything in my life according to Your own dear Will so as to give joy to Your loving Sacred Heart. Use me as You like, call on me for anything You want, for, strengthened by Your grace, I will accept all suffering - even death - for love of You. Amen.
- from So Gentle His Hand by Rev. Lawrence G. Lovasik, SVD

I AM A PARADOX

a sinner made to be a saint

someone's cross and someone's blessing

dying to me, living for Him

suffering joyfully

the walk...hmmm, it's been interesting. it always is. things we face, things we avoid, things we can handle, things we can't. sitting in silence, i begin to pray because right now that's all i can do. it's all i've ever been able to do. He gave me what i needed...He still does. yet sometimes i wonder if walking away would just be better...to be quiet...still... i'm tired of fighting...of resisting...best to leave them be. people's words and actions may hurt us and we don't understand certain attitudes they hold...it's those we love the most that hurt us the most. we do want to try to understand. we want things to be great, and when they're not...at least according to how we expect them to be...we're left disappointed. this is reality...hard to swallow but it's true. each person brings into relationship their own brokenness. it isn't until we're able to accept them with all the scars they carry on their hearts that we'll be able to bring healing into their lives and receive healing from them as well. when we're frustrated with someone, its likely that we're saying deep down, "i can't deal with your insecurities or the pain you've been caused in your past or what you're going through now in your present. i want you to be okay for me because i need you right now." but that really isn't fair to them, as we'd feel utterly rejected if someone had voiced those thoughts to us when our own faults were openly exposed in our weakest moments. the most important thing we need to remember is that we can't change anyone but ourselves. love...hmm...i'm still learning how to give it unconditionally, but by His grace it will be possible someday.

LONGING FOR GOD
"Long to see God, fear losing God, and find joy in whatever leads to God. Do this, and you'll find great peace."- St. Teresa of Avila

"Sometimes you don't know what you're missing until you reach out to touch it. Sometimes you can't see how beautiful something is until it steps back into the light. And sometimes you miss a love you almost didn't lose. But when you need beauty, dreams and love the most you find them taken away from you. And when someone is drifting away from you, you feel it screaming inside your chest. Your heart feels numb and ignorant because the truest of love isn't easy. It's the worst thing in the world. True love breaks you, but you become real. When you are real and in love you will never be unhappy. You are only unhappy when you deny the truth held in love."- Anonymous

We all know people who are afraid of commitment...afraid of loving another person because they know in one way or another, it's going to hurt. Deep down inside, we all know what true love is supposed to be. It's about sacrifice. It's about giving up all that you hold on to for yourself and surrendering it out of love for the other person.

I've just come to realize that it's very possible to feel this way towards Jesus. But if we can bring ourselves to unreservedly place our heart in His hands, He'll change our lives forever. It's a hard thing to do because we don't know what'll happen to us. It's all over the Bible - the good fruit that'll come out of loving Him - but we're always asking ourselves, "Okay, generally for all Christians, this is good stuff...but what exactly is this going to mean for me?"

It's perfectly normal to be scared to return that kind of love to God...yet if you think about it, He actually made that kind of a sacrifice for us first...giving it all up...giving His very life...for you...for me. Heck yeah, He was scared, too, of what would happen to Him, but He did it anyway. Why? Because He was not going to rob us of experiencing the Father's great love, for it was through Jesus Christ that God the Father chose to reveal Himself to His children.

Most people wait for signs of liking/loving from another person first before making a move to advance in a relationship because they're not sure if their affection will be reciprocated. Well, in this case, God already showed us. He still does, even when we become indifferent or complacent on our end. We don't have to wait for Him...we already know. It's just up to us to see all the wonderful things He's done for us.

So guess what? A few years ago, I got to know this really great guy, Jesus. I've known Him for a long time, but it wasn't until I was in my early twenties that I finally saw Him for who He was. He'd always been there for me through the most difficult times in my life and shared the laughs and smiles during the good times. He's tried calling me a few times lately, but I've too busy to answer. Tonight, though, I decided to pick up and finally talk to Him again. I didn't say much...just listened and told Him that it was nice hearing His voice. He said He missed spending time with me, and I told Him that I was sorry for taking Him for granted. No hard feelings...there never were, at least on His part. We're starting over, and I decided to give Him another chance. Besides, I was the one who left Him time after time. His Heart hurt because of me, and He had every right to walk away...but He didn't. They call this "mercy"...another word for it is "LOVE". I don't deserve it, but to deny it would hurt Him even more. It's time to fall back into His arms again...

Ninni Quotes

"Look at, Tita B.anne...they're praying for Jesus because He got hurt...because He fell down because the cross is heavy."

Lyn-Lyn: "Where's Lolo?"
Leilani: "In Heaven with Mama Mary."
Lyn-Lyn: "Do you love Lolo?"
Leilani: "Yeah. And I love Mama Mary. How bout you, Mommy? Do you love Mama Mary?"
Lyn-Lyn: "Yes, I love Mama Mary and Jesus."
Leilani: "Me, too. I love Jesus, too."

"Look...the sky is pretty. Looks like blue windows."

"Why does your car have ears?" (pointing to the rearview mirrors yesterday when I was washing my car)

Leilani: "There was a spider in my cup."
B.anne: "Were you singing to him?"
Leilani: "Yeah."
B.anne: "What was his name?"
Leilani: "Spider."
B.anne: "Spider what?"
Leilani: "Spider Web."

Sorry to all those who have been checking my blog to see if I'd be back! Just flew in from Maui this morning - a little tired but I feel GREAT! I meant to post a blog about my trip to Florida but it got erased...boooooo! So I suppose I'll have to give you the highlights of both. I might have to continue later because I need to unpack and get some sleep...

PURPOSE OF THE FLORIDA TRIP:
To have Leilani meet Mother Angelica, the foundress of EWTN - the largest Catholic TV network in the world. She and my mom watch her on TV all the time and my mom promised her that she'd get to visit her at her house. When my mom makes promises, they always get fulfilled somehow...mostly I think because of her faith. I don't quite know if she actually thought we'd really end up getting to meet her, but deep in her heart, she must have believed it was possible.

HOW THIS ALL CAME TO PASS:
God hears Mommy's prayers once again! She called Auntie Vicky (my lola's sister) in Florida asking her when was the best time visit Mother Angelica, and we end up booking a flight on the spot during the phone call for Corpus Christi weekend (we are SO spontaneous, I LOVE it!). Auntie Vicky knew people from her parish in Palm Coast who were making a pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament and Our Lady of the Angels Monastery (Mother Angelica's house!) in Hanceville, Alabama. She said we'd drive up with them and spend a few days there for the Corpus Christi celebration.

Well, it just so happens that Tita Lud, one of the ladies who we went with, knew the two Filipina nurses of Mother Angelica - Tita Nellie and Tita Nel. They are both retired nurses who moved down to Alabama from Michigan wanting to volunteer somehow at the Shrine. That was the hook-up. Talk about God's Providence. We had a private audience with Mother in the parlor for about an hour. Leilani couldn't believe it...she was so shocked that she didn't even talk even though she had practiced what she was going to say to Mother when she came out. =)

THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS EXPERIENCE MADE ON ME:
Words cannot explain, but I will try for the sake of you, the reader.

The night before, Mommy and I had spent an hour in the Holy of Holies with the Blessed Sacrament at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church (Auntie Vicky's church around the corner from her house). I didn't care that we were tired from the flight and that it was late at night. I knew I just needed to be there with Jesus. We talked again with each other for the first time in a long time...I mean, really talked...and I really listened. At that point, I dedicated the whole week to Him and told Him that it was all in His hands.

Saturday morning Mass at the Shrine in and of itself was the first treasure I was given on this trip. I followed my brother in through the side door of the chapel and gasped in amazement. I can't even begin to describe the wondrous beauty of the altar and the 8-foot monstrance that stood high above it. The whole place commanded reverence. Throughout the Mass, I felt the healing within me take place, and I was finally able to rest in His arms. This is who I am...being here with YOU, Jesus. So far away from home, I felt so at home because My Lord was there before me, as though He'd been waiting for me to come all this time. Peace...I felt so at peace.

After Mass, Auntie Vicky pulls me aside and tells me that I need to write down all my qualifications so that I can put in an application for the monastery there. She said that she believed this was the reason for us coming to Hanceville. Mother Angelica is very understanding, she told me, and God may want you here. You can only imagine what kinds of thoughts and feelings were being stirred up inside of me - I was completely overwhelmed by it all that I started to cry. My heart had been wanting to rest somewhere...anywhere...for so long, and if this was really where I would find solace, then I didn't want to say no. God was opening up the door again to show me something. What that was, I hadn't a clue yet.

Still I couldn't help but be scared. Even if this was the community of my second choice after the Carmelites in Alhambra...even if they were Poor Clares who spent their days and their nights in perpetual adoration of the Blessed Sacrament...I was afraid that if I gave my yes again, God would allow me more suffering. I feared that He'd open the door just to shut it again, leaving me and many of those who supported me very disappointed. However, Fr. Ed's words rang in my ears all weekend: "Fear does not come from the Good Spirit, Marianne. God does not put it in your heart."

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you, was my prayer. How could I not trust in Him? He was obedient to the Father's Will out of love for the sake of many. I knew I had to offer back the same resignation...for it would be my continued sacrifice of thanksgiving for all the blessings He had given me throughout my life. Mother Angelica's message to me as she held my hand and looked into my tear-filled eyes was to "trust in God and pray...pray...pray..." That's all I needed to hear.

After reading her biography, I realized that suffering is part of who I am in Christ. Interior joy is the other part. If I can accept both, then I am a whole person. My journey has been quite interesting, to say the least, but I'm more at peace with where I'm at. There is no doubt that both orders will be integral to my life...however, for now, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be...with my family, with my friends, with my students and co-teachers at St. Paul.

From the outside, I may seem confused to others who haven't followed my story, but I'm okay with that. As long as I'm happy...as long as I'm serving from the heart...as long as I'm right with the Lord, that's all that really matters...at least that's what I've been told by those who know much better than me. For at the end of my life, I will be standing alone in front of the judgement seat with no one to answer to but God. Whose standards am I going to follow according to what is willed for me?

Some push me towards the religious life because it has always been viewed as the better path...by some, it is seen as the safer place for me. Others can't wait to see who I'll end up married to. I, personally, don't want to look that far ahead. For tomorrow has not yet come, nor is it ever guaranteed to us. All I have is today - this moment - and I can sincerely thank God for it because it - yes, this moment - is wonderful.