My dear Sam...

Happy 27th birthday to Jennifer Felisan! Wow, we go way back...meeting through her cousin Roland (my ditching-school-to-eat-churros buddy) in 1995...doing all that PAC stuff together...founding Kappa Psi Epsilon together...having the tightest KPsiE Exec Board ever (no offense to the younger girls but the b.anne-elle-jenn-chel combo was dope)...Palm Springs retreat outside at the jacuzzi of Barcelona 1...oh man, that's when it all started...San Diego hotel on the beach (is that jenn writing our letters in seaweed?)...sharing the loss of our dads...all the Monks events and weekend trips...confession at St. John Vianney and eating at The Boat as a reward after (yes, absolution was great but thai food made it even better!)...OHIO (girl, you flew all the way out there just for me, dang...another reason why I need to get a book written)...being on the plane and hearing you say, "I will miss the Shire, Frodo", and so the Fellowship began with the two of us...of course, there's our friend, John, who we found behind the church, remember?...going to Roland's birthday party as Crouching Tiger girls...meeting dave for the first time and being SOOOO happy for you...our "How do you do it, b.anne?" IM conversation (hahaha...yeah, hi to you, too, jenn!)...growing closer to God and closer to each other...

You have done so much for me, I will never have the words to express how grateful I am for a friend like you. You've been there through EVERYTHING and I can't imagine how I could have survived it all without you. Thank you for taking care of me and my family...for joining us at St. Pius and serving for SH as long as you could...for warning me about coming home and possibly getting in trouble, hehe. You are truly one-of-a-kind, and everyone around you knows it. Thanks for all the laughs...for all the talks...for all of the letters on Wonder Woman stationery you send to me. =) Thank you for the hope you inspire in me and for the smiles you spark in us all. God only knows how much I miss you...

So I'll be seeing you soon...more memories to make as life takes us further down the road where every day is always an adventure for Frodo and Sam. I love you so much, Jenn...

"I made a promise, Mr. Frodo! A promise! Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee! And I don't mean to. I don't mean to." - Sam

"I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you." (2Kgs 20:5)

Yes, Mass was great, and I left smiling, too. On the eve of this feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes, I felt something change within me. Last night was a "marker" for me, as Papa Jon calls them...important events that leave an impression on your life experience and, therefore, on the growth of your soul. Just like conversion, healing is not a one shot deal. It is a time-honored process. Like Fr. Andrew said to me tonight, events come in waves... He described to me exactly what I had been experiencing in my relationship with God...in my reaction towards life...brought me back and helped me see as I prayed in front of the Blessed Sacrament no longer the scars that I'd been carrying, but now all of the joys I had been allowed. "Hold on to the consolations," he told me, "for they will help you through many of your trials." And so I immediately thought of what made me smile...what once brought so much joy to my heart. When I approached Him in adoration, He made it all the more clear to me, and I remembered. Some of the very things I had lost in recent months had been recalled with memories of pain, but God somehow removed those attachments and showed me once again the beauty of Carmel...of family...of friendships...of community...of life...of love. He revealed the richness each of these brought to my soul and reminded me that all was necessary in order to bring me into a deeper state of strength and resilience. So I take the small wooden cross placed in my hands last night by Brother Augustine and reflect on its meaning...for while its weight bears down upon us, its grace sustains us in every step.

THE HEART OF THE PURE
"My own concerns no longer concern me: from now on I must belong entirely to God, and God alone. Never to myself.

Mary sacrificed all, and God alone took the place of all. Following her example, from now on, the Lord alone will be my lot. Why have I come here, if not to love our Lord with all my heart. As a proof of my love for Him, I must follow the example of Mary, suffer and generously sacrifice all to Him. Courage my soul, prayer is all powerful, the heart of Jesus is there, let us knock.

O Divine Jesus, engrave in my heart the love of your cross and let me imitate that love of your cross, like him who said that, if after having served you for a hundred years you would grant him to suffer just one hour for love of you, he would believe all his services well rewarded.

O virtue little known, but how sure!

O Jesus and Mary, grant that all my consolations in this world may be to love you, serve you, and suffer for sinners.

O Jesus, teach me to understand how exclusive is heavenly love. Free, draw, and raise all my affections. May my crucified heart be buried forever in yours, in the mysterious wound opened by the sword.

O Jesus, I would rather die a thousand times than be unfaithful to you.

O Mary Immaculate!... O glorious Saint Joseph, and you Saint John, beloved disciple of the Divine Heart, teach me the great science of love. May I be strongly drawn towards it! That I may take flight and lose myself, be united and hidden in the adorable heart of Jesus, Jesus crucified, source of charity, of purity, of annihilation, and of perfect submission.

Continually dying to myself, peacefully supporting trials, I work, I suffer, and I wish to have no other witness but His heart. He who is not prepared to suffer all for the beloved and do His holy will in all things, is not worthy of the sweet name of friend.

For here on earth, love cannot live without suffering.

It is through loving the cross that we discover His heart, for divine love never lives without loving."
- St. Bernadette Soubirous

"Blessed be God, the Father of Christ Jesus our Lord,
who in Christ has blessed us from heaven with every spiritual blessing.
God chose us in Christ before the creation of the world
to be holy and without sin in His presence.
From eternity He destined us in love
to be His sons and daughters through Christ Jesus,
thus fulfilling His free and generous will.
This goal suited Him:
that his loving-kindness which He granted us in His Beloved
might finally receive all glory and praise.
For in Christ we obtain freedom, sealed by His blood,
and have the forgiveness of sins.
In this appears the greatness of His grace,
which He lavished on us.
In all wisdom and understanding,
God has made known to us His mysterious design,
in accordance with his loving-kindness in Christ.
In Him and under Him God wanted to unite,
when the fullness of time had come,
everything in heaven and on earth." (Eph 1:1-10)

"May the God of Christ Jesus our Lord, the Father of Glory, reveal Himself to you and give you a spirit of wisdom, that you may know Him.
May He enlighten your inner vision, that you may appreciate the things we hope for, since we were called by God.
May you know how great is the inheritancce, the glory, God set apart for His saints; may you understand with what extraordinary power He acts in favor of us who believe." (Eph. 1:17-19)

Ministry

You don't have to wait to be at a certain "level" of spirituality in order to be used by God...He can work through anyone who is willing to give their "yes". Nor does God limit His gifts to a certain personality type or those whose state of life is only directly involved in serving the church as a pastor, priest, nun, or deacon.

This charcoal drawing of Jesus and these paintings are a result of the answer to a call from God to my brother, Albert, who loves to express himself through art. I have always known he was good, but it wasn't until seeing the fruit of his talent bring others closer to Jesus and deeper in prayer did I realize the potential of grace that could flow from a heart out through his hands.

The Fourth Purpose in The Purpose Driven Life speaks of ministry in such a beautiful yet very practical way. Here are some quotes from Rick Warren that elaborate more on what I'm talking about...

"Anytime you use your God-given abilities to help others, you are fulfilling your calling."

"Figure out what you love to do - what God gave you a heart to do - and then do it for His glory."

"Only you can be you."

"God designed each of us so there would be no duplication in the world. No one has the exact same mix of factors that make you unique. That means no one else on earth will ever be able to play the role God has planned for you. If you don't make your unique contribution to the Body of Christ, it won't be made."

"To discover God's will for your life, you should seriously examine what you are good at doing and what you're not good at."

"Whatever you're good at, you should be doing for your church!"

I just finished listening to two talks on cd produced by St. Joseph Radio...one is an interview with Jim Caviezel, who plays Jesus in Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ and the other one was an interview with two Carmelites - Sister Timothy Marie and Sister Genevieve Marie (from Alhambra!) - and Fr. Norbert Wood about their reactions to the movie. It just goes to show that you can do anything you love and have it bring glory to God. Jim offers up his talent for acting, Mel Gibson gives his gift for production and direction, and the religious present God with their insights to share with us from a perspective of ones totally in love with Jesus. Just goes to show that there are many avenues of service and ministry...

All I have to do is look around me and I see this so clearly in the people I encounter every day. Each one brings to God the very gifts and talents instilled within them...doing what they love and are obviously good at. This isn't purposed to bring glory to ourselves, though many times worldly recognition may come from "going public". It is important that in all things we credit Him first. "We are blessed so that we may bless others." I love that statement. Thus we gaze into the heavens and say, "Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to serve you. I don't even deserve to be in your Presence, yet these opportunities to reach people give me the chance to imitate you in the little I can do for you." There is nothing so small and insignificant that is not noticed by Him. We are many parts...we are all one body...and each part is greatly needed. Amen.

Agh! It's midnight...okay, a few minutes past and I should be sleeping...but I have a lot to write down...

Thank you, Lord, for helping us out today...for being in the middle of it all when little things were making us anxious...for giving me the courage to speak to the kids, especially the ones who didn't really want to be there...for giving Glenn the words...we were both nervous. Thank you for giving Jackie her voice back...for the rest of the choir as always...for Emeline who hopped on and took my place to sing...for Robby and Fred who rocked the house as usual...for Jason's 99 on Magic Mic singin' "his song"...for Jay's simple presence...for JF's drum-drum-drummin' and his Valentine's Day humor...for all the kiddos that didn't want to give up the mic (especially Ines and Co. + Mark on "Pretty Woman")...for all of our hard-working parents. Thank you for a very challenging Bible Study discussion on service...then switching the topic back to the preservation of purity and taking a twist towards accountability...for all the shared insights and the deep honesty that came out of it all. Dorothy was right...it's really interesting watching the dynamics of the four guys, each with their own personalities, views and questions. I wish I knew more so I could explain better...particularly in regards to purity issues...but knowledge doesn't really help a whole lot if it's not backed up by experience...that I have some of, so that was all I could really share. It's great to see young men valuing the gift as much as You ask them to. Rare is the breed...though I'm finding that there are more out there than I thought. So suffice to say that not all men are pigs. Actually, I can't remember the last time I saw a guy with a snout (sorry, JF's corny humor is infecting me, agh dang nabbit!)...okay, I think I'm done now.

Good night, dear Jesus... I love You. You're the greatest...really, You are. You know that already, but I thought I'd just tell You because it's something that helps me remember who You are for me. Until the morning...

I decided to do it..."Batteries not Included, Assembly Required"...might as well try it out because after all, it is a new creative avenue and who knows what will come out of it. It's something different...out of the ordinary for me. Jei Franxis and his friend, Arlene, are putting together a theater group called Imagining Reality that's basically centered around getting out the "good message" to high school students...letting them know that there are forms of media and stage performance catering to their needs in a way much varied from what's already out there.

The audition was a favor I did for JF since he's helped me out so much, though I must admit being wary of the time commitment at first. We met yesterday to take a look at the script of the first play and I realized that this is something I've always wanted to do but never followed through with. It's low-pressure because JF's just like that...and I finally get to see the work that would have otherwise been thrown away (I've talked to him time after time about this being-a-writer-and-using-your-gift business...but dang, this means that I'll have to get on with my program now that he started his). They explained their focus and mission to us and I sat well with the fact that God would be in the middle of it all. This one is based on 1Corinthians13 following the ACTS format...I was impressed, as I told JF when he called me afterwards to ask me what I thought...so simple yet straight to the point and very relatable to matters of the heart in anyone's life. It seems manageable, for now. We'll see...

It does help that more people are stepping up to help out with HeavenSent and I'm finding my place now in the ministry...not having to do as much but still giving what I can with what God has given to me. The once-a-month Confirmation talks will be fun...that's more of what I'm comfortable with. In SH, fellowship stuff was always more for people like Em and Jason to handle. For now we're just starting off light with socials to get the kids interested...this is all going to take some time to develop...we can't expect too much to happen so soon. It's good that we have the regular Youth Masses every month...if anything the kids will grow to appreciate that first because that's what it's all about. We have to hold on to Jesus as the driving force behind everything we do and turn to Him in all things, no matter whether the events are spiritual, educational, or social.

Saturday was such a productive day... The Lord of the Rings Retreat was very thought-provoking...Fr. Tim did a wonderful job of relating the struggles of Frodo, the fidelity of Sam, and the Joy of the Fellowship to our own lives as Christians. When Fred walked in, he showed me his "Aragorn" nametag...haha...no coincidence, eh? I choked up during the first talk because I could relate quite closely to everything Fr. Tim was saying about Frodo. During the "Sam" talk, I totally thought of Jenn because it paralleled her personality in so many ways. Saying "yes" to the quest that entails great burden but leads to immense joy...facing the consequences of our decisions, knowing that one simple choice made in either wisdom or folly can affect the future of a multitude of souls...there are more lessons than most people are able to see...I thank God for J.R.R. Tolkien, his love for writing, and his love for God. The most fruit is borne out of a life that is faithful to doing the things he loves...right, Leo? Look at the bookmark...and in your heart...

Continuing on with The Purpose Driven Life...fourth purpose - "You were shaped for serving God"...I have to catch up on my reading...

"We are simply God's servants... Each one of us does that work which the Lord gave Him to do: I planted the seed, Apollo watered the plant, but it was God who made the plant grow." (1Cor 3:5-6)

"...hold on to grace."

"Give me souls, take all the rest."

Wow...what a night! Thank you to Rob and Em for hosting the Bible Study...how funny that the group was made up of leaders from four different communities: Servant's Heart, Love and Faith, Liwanag, and HeavenSent...all serving and sharing...acknowledging our desperate need for Him as our Source of strength. If anything, it was a beautiful arrangement of souls wanting to love Him more in the work He has commisioned for each ministry, and specifically for each life. How awesome was that. Can we do it again soon?

Anthony and Raymond are HILARIOUS...hahahahahahahaha =)

And later I was humbled...so very humbled. The Lord never fails at showing us exactly what we need to change, not because He's trying to spite us but because He loves us so much that He doesn't want anything standing in the way of our relationship with Him...especially the false "truths" we make up for ourselves and many temporal attachments we have such a hard time letting go of. Through a simple invitation, God used Leo to get me to Holy Family in order to teach this lesson to me. It's all about putting Jesus first...where our greatest fear is not losing the things we have or the people in our lives...but that we should fear more than anything in the world losing HIM.

Okay, good night...sweet dreams everyone...I'll see you when I see you...God bless!

Begin

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud wasmore painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anais Nin

Write...write...write. I went to a writing workshop today for St. Paul given by this speaker, Greg Denman. It was very informative and it inspired me to get back into expression. There was a lesson he taught us called "People" which gives us a simple format for lyrical poetry. The instructions are to think of adjectives that describe the way people look. Then you take one of the words and find two other words that rhyme with it, inserting them into the blanks provided on the page. This is what I came up with:

There are happy people,
sappy people,
people-who-feel-crappy people.

Brilliant, eh? hahaha j/k... That's just one verses. I may actually compose a full length poem like he did because it was one of the more fun exercises we had done during the workshop.

Leilani was just here in my room, sitting in my lap and hanging out. I was holding her, realizing that it's those moments I really need to cherish because time does indeed fly by so quickly and she won't be so little anymore. Hey, she said that my room is so pretty..."You cleaned it up?" Ah, yes, she, too, noticed how chaotic it has been since I got so busy. I at least got to put my clothes away and sort out all the papers I have left to grade. Not done yet...but I'm making progress.

Progress...that's the current theme of my life. I'm re-reading this book by Julia Cameron...one of my favorites...called The Right to Write. It has exercises in it to help the reader-called-to-be-a-writer voice on paper (or in this case, computer) what has laid dormant within the soul for so long. I had gone through it a few years ago, but I thought it would be good for me to reflect again on what was and is important. This book was such a great aid for that particular purpose when I was trying to figure out who I really was. So this is my first "Initiation Tool"

...Begin where I am - physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For three pages? Oh goodness, okay. I made an appointment to see Dr. Patel on Monday because I'd been having stomach pains during the last week. They've been bearable most of the time, but my mom seems to think it might be something serious. I meant to see him today, but there weren't any slots available after 4 when I got out of my workshop. Health has been quite up and down for me, but I thank God that I haven't been as sick as I was last school year.

Mrs. Reich asked me the other day if I was still pursuing life in the convent, and I had explained to her that those doors have been closed. It was a difficult part of my faith journey, but it seems that He has other plans for me...plans that I myself am in the process of discovering. Elaine and I were saying that we can't believe it has been a whole year since all of that had taken place. I remember telling Susan that I probably wasn't going to come back to St. Paul the next year because I had put in my application for the Candidacy Program with the Carmelites. Who would have thought, huh? Sister Marina said she saw it in my eyes. Saw what, though? The call? Hmm... I don't know, but nonetheless, the following months were spent asking Him what exactly He was doing. Well, what do you know...He wouldn't tell me.

I wanted to be able to trust Him, but I didn't understand at the time that wanting to learn that kind of a lesson was going to take some practical experience. In retrospect, I see why I went through what I did. I have learned...I believe in...I have experienced...now...I know. Now I feel...good. I'm doing my best to take care of myself...trying to eat when I don't feel like it...because although I love food, sometimes I'm just not hungry or I think about how much it'll hurt later. The naps in the afternoon have been great, and during the past few nights, I've been getting to sleep before midnight. Some time soon, I'll attempt to fit some form of exercise into my schedule since I know that even a little bit will help my energy level. The Sunday morning walks/jogs at Liberty Park with my sisters and BiLs sound appealing, but I just have to get myself up pretty early. I walked into the faculty lounge and saw an announcement on the white board for weekly Tae Bo sessions in Room 1 once a week with everyone...hehe...that sounds fun. =) We'll see...

Last night's Heaven Sent Choir Practice went really well, at least from what I could hear. Glenn and I were planning out our talk for the Confirmation kids this coming Sunday and I was just listening to them play/sing. It was awesome. The singers have so much energy and love for what they do. Fred, Mike, and Robby even came out to help with instruments. Their support has been so valuable to me...to us. I told Dorothy that I think I'll be sitting out in the congregation just feeling it all this time since they're good to go on their own. Side note: As I was walking to my car at Embassy Suites today, I saw this big truck parked in the lot with the words HEAVEN SENT across it...I smiled...aww...yay! Praise God for reminders like that...

Inspiring conversation with Glenn, by the way, after we were done talking about what we needed to do. Brokenness...unworthiness...inadequacy...the image of a glass vase shattered into hundreds of pieces on the ground...Jesus picking up every single piece...we're wondering what He's going to do with it all...how He can possibly salvage anything from the remains of our broken spirits...puts them all into the fire to remelt them and create something even more exquisite than before. That's what He's doing with us...though the fire scorches, it is necessary...there is no other way to restoration.

Already a month into this new year, my heart is filled with such excitement for all the good things God has in store for us. There are so many opportunities to encounter Him just in February alone. I'm going to hang out with SH tonight at Em and Rob's then it's off to Holy Family's First Friday Stations of the Cross. Tomorrow it's the Tolkein Retreat at St. Peter Chanel...I'm still not sure what I'll be doing in the afternoon...Imagining Reality...SCRC Young Adult Core...Fr. Fogarty's birthday...I know I'll have to miss something...is it valid to ask God for the gift of bilocation? haha... Sunday is another Youth Mass at St. Paul and PDL Bible Study afterwards. Next Friday is Jenn's birthday and the KPsiE Founding Mom Dinner...the Called to Faithfulness Conference on the 14th...Lyn-Lyn's birthday on the 16th...Religious Ed Congress the following weekend...the Days of the Lord Retreat the weekend after that...Ash Wednesday on the 25th with the Passion coming out! I need this stuff...I really do. Like I said before, it's time. You'd think I'd go crazy with so many things to do, but these are all events that help bring me purpose and get me back on track.

March will be a lot calmer...I want to take my mom out on one of the weekends so we can have our "day". It was nice going with her to the healing Mass with Fr. Faricy last Friday in West Covina and being out with her for her birthday lunch with Jane and the family on Sunday. I felt bad because I knew that going to the Bereavement Ministry core meetings at SPV would be hard...physically and emotionally...I'm just not ready for that right now even if it was something we had both wanted to do for a long time...so we're finding other things to do together.

I haven't seen some of my friends in the longest time, too. Good update with Cha last night...I miss them...how funny that Angie is her friend! The Chili's night out with Criselle and Eileen was a lot of fun...yes, good times. The Monks as of late have been super busy...I haven't seen them since our Kris Kringle at Macaroni Grill. Cousin Chel and Dre are engaged, finally! I'm really happy for them. She definitely deserves a great guy like him...those two match so well...like Rob and Em...Nol and Eileen...Jaymee and Maurice...Mike and Lyn-Lyn...Jenn and Dave...how cute...aww...I love it. =)

As for me, I'm just enjoying life as it is...finding simple things to be grateful for and appreciating the blessings that God has been so graciously pouring down upon my life. The questions I had been asking during the past year have changed in their nature, but over time, I have come to understand that every prayer...every request...every thought is heard by God and is answered in His own timing with my best interests in mind. I have my family, my friends, my co-teachers, my students, my community, my God. I have a job that I love, new experiences that help stretch my soul, a life that is always full of big and little surprises. If we spend our waking moments thanking Him for everything He's given to us, there is no time to think about all the things we don't have. As a result of this "attitude of gratitude", we are filled with joy multiplied a thousand times over when God decides to add to the blessings that we already have. In my relationships with others and with the Lord, I have always equated the importance of the three words "I love you" with the two words "Thank you". When we have a hard time saying the first, we can always offer the second. Both are always received warmly...

So there you have my first Writing Exercise. Of course there's more, as there always is, but it'll just have to wait. Tomorrow is another day, so I'm going to finish this one off well with God, prayer, community and friendship...it's what makes the world go round. Until next time...

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1Cor.2:9)

Jesus, give me true love which is ever devoted and thankful to You, always trusting in You, even when I do not taste the sweetness of serving You; for there is no living in love without some sorrow. Let me ever remember that whosoever is not ready to suffer all things out of love and to stand resigned to the will of his beloved, is not worthy to be called a true lover. Then direct everything in my life according to Your own dear Will so as to give joy to Your loving Sacred Heart. Use me as You like, call on me for anything You want, for, strengthened by Your grace, I will accept all suffering - even death - for love of You. Amen.
- from So Gentle His Hand by Rev. Lawrence G. Lovasik, SVD

I AM A PARADOX

a sinner made to be a saint

someone's cross and someone's blessing

dying to me, living for Him

suffering joyfully

the walk...hmmm, it's been interesting. it always is. things we face, things we avoid, things we can handle, things we can't. sitting in silence, i begin to pray because right now that's all i can do. it's all i've ever been able to do. He gave me what i needed...He still does. yet sometimes i wonder if walking away would just be better...to be quiet...still... i'm tired of fighting...of resisting...best to leave them be. people's words and actions may hurt us and we don't understand certain attitudes they hold...it's those we love the most that hurt us the most. we do want to try to understand. we want things to be great, and when they're not...at least according to how we expect them to be...we're left disappointed. this is reality...hard to swallow but it's true. each person brings into relationship their own brokenness. it isn't until we're able to accept them with all the scars they carry on their hearts that we'll be able to bring healing into their lives and receive healing from them as well. when we're frustrated with someone, its likely that we're saying deep down, "i can't deal with your insecurities or the pain you've been caused in your past or what you're going through now in your present. i want you to be okay for me because i need you right now." but that really isn't fair to them, as we'd feel utterly rejected if someone had voiced those thoughts to us when our own faults were openly exposed in our weakest moments. the most important thing we need to remember is that we can't change anyone but ourselves. love...hmm...i'm still learning how to give it unconditionally, but by His grace it will be possible someday.

LONGING FOR GOD
"Long to see God, fear losing God, and find joy in whatever leads to God. Do this, and you'll find great peace."- St. Teresa of Avila

"Sometimes you don't know what you're missing until you reach out to touch it. Sometimes you can't see how beautiful something is until it steps back into the light. And sometimes you miss a love you almost didn't lose. But when you need beauty, dreams and love the most you find them taken away from you. And when someone is drifting away from you, you feel it screaming inside your chest. Your heart feels numb and ignorant because the truest of love isn't easy. It's the worst thing in the world. True love breaks you, but you become real. When you are real and in love you will never be unhappy. You are only unhappy when you deny the truth held in love."- Anonymous

We all know people who are afraid of commitment...afraid of loving another person because they know in one way or another, it's going to hurt. Deep down inside, we all know what true love is supposed to be. It's about sacrifice. It's about giving up all that you hold on to for yourself and surrendering it out of love for the other person.

I've just come to realize that it's very possible to feel this way towards Jesus. But if we can bring ourselves to unreservedly place our heart in His hands, He'll change our lives forever. It's a hard thing to do because we don't know what'll happen to us. It's all over the Bible - the good fruit that'll come out of loving Him - but we're always asking ourselves, "Okay, generally for all Christians, this is good stuff...but what exactly is this going to mean for me?"

It's perfectly normal to be scared to return that kind of love to God...yet if you think about it, He actually made that kind of a sacrifice for us first...giving it all up...giving His very life...for you...for me. Heck yeah, He was scared, too, of what would happen to Him, but He did it anyway. Why? Because He was not going to rob us of experiencing the Father's great love, for it was through Jesus Christ that God the Father chose to reveal Himself to His children.

Most people wait for signs of liking/loving from another person first before making a move to advance in a relationship because they're not sure if their affection will be reciprocated. Well, in this case, God already showed us. He still does, even when we become indifferent or complacent on our end. We don't have to wait for Him...we already know. It's just up to us to see all the wonderful things He's done for us.

So guess what? A few years ago, I got to know this really great guy, Jesus. I've known Him for a long time, but it wasn't until I was in my early twenties that I finally saw Him for who He was. He'd always been there for me through the most difficult times in my life and shared the laughs and smiles during the good times. He's tried calling me a few times lately, but I've too busy to answer. Tonight, though, I decided to pick up and finally talk to Him again. I didn't say much...just listened and told Him that it was nice hearing His voice. He said He missed spending time with me, and I told Him that I was sorry for taking Him for granted. No hard feelings...there never were, at least on His part. We're starting over, and I decided to give Him another chance. Besides, I was the one who left Him time after time. His Heart hurt because of me, and He had every right to walk away...but He didn't. They call this "mercy"...another word for it is "LOVE". I don't deserve it, but to deny it would hurt Him even more. It's time to fall back into His arms again...

Ninni Quotes

"Look at, Tita B.anne...they're praying for Jesus because He got hurt...because He fell down because the cross is heavy."

Lyn-Lyn: "Where's Lolo?"
Leilani: "In Heaven with Mama Mary."
Lyn-Lyn: "Do you love Lolo?"
Leilani: "Yeah. And I love Mama Mary. How bout you, Mommy? Do you love Mama Mary?"
Lyn-Lyn: "Yes, I love Mama Mary and Jesus."
Leilani: "Me, too. I love Jesus, too."

"Look...the sky is pretty. Looks like blue windows."

"Why does your car have ears?" (pointing to the rearview mirrors yesterday when I was washing my car)

Leilani: "There was a spider in my cup."
B.anne: "Were you singing to him?"
Leilani: "Yeah."
B.anne: "What was his name?"
Leilani: "Spider."
B.anne: "Spider what?"
Leilani: "Spider Web."

Sorry to all those who have been checking my blog to see if I'd be back! Just flew in from Maui this morning - a little tired but I feel GREAT! I meant to post a blog about my trip to Florida but it got erased...boooooo! So I suppose I'll have to give you the highlights of both. I might have to continue later because I need to unpack and get some sleep...

PURPOSE OF THE FLORIDA TRIP:
To have Leilani meet Mother Angelica, the foundress of EWTN - the largest Catholic TV network in the world. She and my mom watch her on TV all the time and my mom promised her that she'd get to visit her at her house. When my mom makes promises, they always get fulfilled somehow...mostly I think because of her faith. I don't quite know if she actually thought we'd really end up getting to meet her, but deep in her heart, she must have believed it was possible.

HOW THIS ALL CAME TO PASS:
God hears Mommy's prayers once again! She called Auntie Vicky (my lola's sister) in Florida asking her when was the best time visit Mother Angelica, and we end up booking a flight on the spot during the phone call for Corpus Christi weekend (we are SO spontaneous, I LOVE it!). Auntie Vicky knew people from her parish in Palm Coast who were making a pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament and Our Lady of the Angels Monastery (Mother Angelica's house!) in Hanceville, Alabama. She said we'd drive up with them and spend a few days there for the Corpus Christi celebration.

Well, it just so happens that Tita Lud, one of the ladies who we went with, knew the two Filipina nurses of Mother Angelica - Tita Nellie and Tita Nel. They are both retired nurses who moved down to Alabama from Michigan wanting to volunteer somehow at the Shrine. That was the hook-up. Talk about God's Providence. We had a private audience with Mother in the parlor for about an hour. Leilani couldn't believe it...she was so shocked that she didn't even talk even though she had practiced what she was going to say to Mother when she came out. =)

THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS EXPERIENCE MADE ON ME:
Words cannot explain, but I will try for the sake of you, the reader.

The night before, Mommy and I had spent an hour in the Holy of Holies with the Blessed Sacrament at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church (Auntie Vicky's church around the corner from her house). I didn't care that we were tired from the flight and that it was late at night. I knew I just needed to be there with Jesus. We talked again with each other for the first time in a long time...I mean, really talked...and I really listened. At that point, I dedicated the whole week to Him and told Him that it was all in His hands.

Saturday morning Mass at the Shrine in and of itself was the first treasure I was given on this trip. I followed my brother in through the side door of the chapel and gasped in amazement. I can't even begin to describe the wondrous beauty of the altar and the 8-foot monstrance that stood high above it. The whole place commanded reverence. Throughout the Mass, I felt the healing within me take place, and I was finally able to rest in His arms. This is who I am...being here with YOU, Jesus. So far away from home, I felt so at home because My Lord was there before me, as though He'd been waiting for me to come all this time. Peace...I felt so at peace.

After Mass, Auntie Vicky pulls me aside and tells me that I need to write down all my qualifications so that I can put in an application for the monastery there. She said that she believed this was the reason for us coming to Hanceville. Mother Angelica is very understanding, she told me, and God may want you here. You can only imagine what kinds of thoughts and feelings were being stirred up inside of me - I was completely overwhelmed by it all that I started to cry. My heart had been wanting to rest somewhere...anywhere...for so long, and if this was really where I would find solace, then I didn't want to say no. God was opening up the door again to show me something. What that was, I hadn't a clue yet.

Still I couldn't help but be scared. Even if this was the community of my second choice after the Carmelites in Alhambra...even if they were Poor Clares who spent their days and their nights in perpetual adoration of the Blessed Sacrament...I was afraid that if I gave my yes again, God would allow me more suffering. I feared that He'd open the door just to shut it again, leaving me and many of those who supported me very disappointed. However, Fr. Ed's words rang in my ears all weekend: "Fear does not come from the Good Spirit, Marianne. God does not put it in your heart."

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you, was my prayer. How could I not trust in Him? He was obedient to the Father's Will out of love for the sake of many. I knew I had to offer back the same resignation...for it would be my continued sacrifice of thanksgiving for all the blessings He had given me throughout my life. Mother Angelica's message to me as she held my hand and looked into my tear-filled eyes was to "trust in God and pray...pray...pray..." That's all I needed to hear.

After reading her biography, I realized that suffering is part of who I am in Christ. Interior joy is the other part. If I can accept both, then I am a whole person. My journey has been quite interesting, to say the least, but I'm more at peace with where I'm at. There is no doubt that both orders will be integral to my life...however, for now, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be...with my family, with my friends, with my students and co-teachers at St. Paul.

From the outside, I may seem confused to others who haven't followed my story, but I'm okay with that. As long as I'm happy...as long as I'm serving from the heart...as long as I'm right with the Lord, that's all that really matters...at least that's what I've been told by those who know much better than me. For at the end of my life, I will be standing alone in front of the judgement seat with no one to answer to but God. Whose standards am I going to follow according to what is willed for me?

Some push me towards the religious life because it has always been viewed as the better path...by some, it is seen as the safer place for me. Others can't wait to see who I'll end up married to. I, personally, don't want to look that far ahead. For tomorrow has not yet come, nor is it ever guaranteed to us. All I have is today - this moment - and I can sincerely thank God for it because it - yes, this moment - is wonderful.

Serenity Prayer

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
the courage to change the
things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. Amen

30 SPIRITUAL THOUGHTS ON PRAYER

"Better far to love obedience than to fear the consequences of disobedience. Let your spirit have its freedom. The choices are yours to make." - St. Francis De Sales

Live + Jesus
30 SPIRITUAL THOUGHTS ON PRAYER
by St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane de Chantal

1. "It is truly by means of prayer that we learn the perfection of love of God."

2. "All persons, no matter what their state, must pray, for it is principally in prayer that God speaks to us."

3. "If you wish to do your duty well, you must pray to God; it is in prayer that we learn to do our work well."

4. "Prayer is the warmth of heavenly love. Prayer is the water of blessing which cleanses us of our weaknesses."

5. "All creatures were made to praise God. Everyone can pray and not one person can excuse himself/herself from doing so."

6. "Prayer is a discussion, a conversation with God, and by it we speak to God and God in turn speaks to us. We aspire to God and breathe in Him; and mutually He breathes into us and in us."

7. "Begin every prayer, whether mental or vocal, by recalling the presence of God. Keep to this rule without exception, and you will see in a short time how profitable it will be."

8. "Meditation produces good desires in the will and in the heart, such as love of God and neighbor, the desire to please God, to be of service to our neighbor, to be compassionate, to be merciful, and many other good qualities. These desires ought to open themselves up in our hearts and in our actions."

9. "You should try to pass from prayer to every kind of activity your state of life legitimately requires of you, even if these seem far removed from the desires you had in prayer. What I mean is that a lawyer must know how to move from prayer to pleading, the salesman to marketing, the married woman to the care of her family --with such gentleness and serenity that their minds are not disturbed. Since both prayer and our duty are according to God's will, then you must go from one to the other in the spirit of joy and peace."

10. Only one thing is necessary for praying well, and this is to have God in our hearts. This being so, our prayer is always well made, however we go about it."

11. "The secret of secrets in prayer is to follow one's attraction in simplicity of heart."

12. "The best prayer is that which keeps us so well occupied in God that we do not think at all of our ourselves nor of what we are doing. In short, we must go to prayer simply, in good faith, and artlessly, in order to be close to God, to love Him, and to unite ourselves to Him. True love has little method."

13. "You will measure the length of your prayers by the number of your obligations. Since it has pleased God to place you in a kind of life in which you have numberless distractions, you must accustom yourself to make your prayers short; but never omit them without great necessity."

14. "You say you do not have the time to make two or three hours of prayer. Who is telling you to? Recommend yourself to God in the morning and then go about your business, resolved nevertheless to raise your mind several times to God, even when you are busy or at meetings. What prevents you from speaking to God from the depths of your heart? Speak short words, but fervently."

15. "If you are not making long prayers while you are ill, make a prayer of your sickness by offering it to God who so loved our weaknesses that He crowned and glorified Himself with them."

16. "Distractions do not withdraw your soul from God. Nothing takes us away from Him but sin. The resolution we have made in the morning of keeping ourselves united to God and attentive to His presence keeps us always in it, even when are sleeping, since we do this in the name of God and according to His most holy will."

17. "Exterior reverence greatly assists the interior...We should keep ourselves in great exterior reverence as we pray, even if the prayer is made in private."

18. "In prayer, when our affections have already been aroused, we should not continue meditating and reflecting, but we should pause to enjoy them and from time to time whisper words of sorrow, of love, of trustful abandonment, and the like, to God, according to how we feel inclined. This is the best kind of prayer."

19. "When we find ourselves oppressed by dryness, we must offer the prayer of reverence, confidence and conformity to God's will, remaining in God's presence like a beggar before his king, uttering expressions of loving submission to his divine good pleasure."

20. "There is a certain way of praying which is very easy and very beneficial. It consists in accustoming ourselves to being in God's presence, but in such a way as to produce in us an intimate, simple and perfect union."

21. "Prayer has forces that triumph over nature."

22. "We should go to prayer with deep humility and an awareness of our nothingness. We must invoke the help of the Holy Spirit and that of our angel, and then remain still during this time in God's presence, full of faith that He is more in us than we are in ourselves."

23. "There is no danger if our prayer is without words or considerations, because the good success of prayer depends neither on words nor on study. It depends upon the raising of our minds to God, and the more simple and stripped of feeling it is the surer it is."

24. "Anyone who, when praying to God, notices that he/she is praying, is not entirely attentive to prayer. He/she is turning his/her attention away from the God to whom he/she is praying. The very pains we take to prevent distraction often work upon us as a considerable distraction."

25. "Anyone who is engaged in fervent prayer does not even know if he/she is in prayer or not, because the fervor of holy love is so great. He/she does not examine himself/herself but holds himself/herself fixed and fastened on God."

26. "The first advice about prayer is that anyone who wishes to pray, unless drawn and raised to God in an extraordinary fashion, must prepare for it by according to the phrase of the wise man: 'Before prayer prepare your soul; think of where you are going and to whom you mean to speak."'

27. "Prayer obtains from God more than it asks."

28. "First upon awakening in the morning, turn your thoughts to God present everywhere; place your heart and your entire being in His hands. Then think briefly of the good you will be able to accomplish that day and the evil you can avoid. Then kneel down, adore God from the bottom of your heart and thank Him for all His gifts and benefits He has given you."

29. "Often pray spontaneously to God, whenever you can, and in whatever setting, always seeing God in your heart and your heart in God."

30. "The end of prayer is our union with God, and that all who are on the way to salvation can and ought to pray."

31. "To pray is to raise the mind to God and converse with Him concerning our interests with a reverent familiarity, and a confidence greater than that of a child's trust in its mother, to talk with Him of all things both important and unimportant; it is to open one's heart to God and pour it out unreservedly to Him, it is to tell Him of our work, our failures, our desires, and all that is in our heart and to find our rest with Him as we would with a friend. It is what the holy scripture calls 'pouring forth one's heart as water before Him."'

Unselfishness with God

CHRIST: My child, do not look for spiritual consolation or interior good feelings in your prayers and good works. Serve Me for My sake, as I deserve, Let your service depend on My word, and not on any pleasant feelings which I may send you. If I gave interior consolation and joy for every good work, many a worldly man would follow My commandments for the sake of these gifts.

As long as you are in this life, you will be tempted by the blind selfishness of fallen human nature. Turn frequently to Me and let Me guide your self-interest. I desire your self-interest to be intelligent and well-ordered. Place Me above all persons and all things created.

I am far greater than all My works. I am your greatest Treasure! Seek Me above all else. Consider what I mean in your life. What do I deserve of you? What have I a right to expect of you? Can you draw your next breath or take your next step without My consent and assistance? Could you exist another instant if I withdrew My support? Only by facing these facts and living on them each hour of the day, can you give Me the intelligent service which you owe Me.

Spiritual consolation is only a temporary gift to encourage one who is earnestly trying to serve Me. This gift is not at the command of any man, and it will not be given to anyone who seeks it for itself. Such a person is too much like the man who seeks his entire happiness in the pleasures, satisfactions, and honors of this world. A frank and intelligent remembrance of your unworthiness will help you perform your prayers and good works without expecting spiritual consolations in return.

THINK: Jesus is right. I do not deserve the least of His gifts. I already owe Him so much that I should be glad to do His will, without looking for further gifts. He owes me nothing, and I owe Him everything. If He chose to leave me in misery and sorrow, He would be doing me no injustice, since all that I am and have belong to Him.

PRAY: Lord, I know you will never treat me as poorly as I deserve, as long as I am truly trying to improve my daily life. You will never be outdone in generosity. Each holy desire and every good deed of mine will be rewarded a hundredfold. You will not leave me in my misery and troubles any longer than is necessary for my real good. I have deserved little, but I need You and hope in Your help. Let me follow Your wise and holy will by seeking you first, and Your gifts only as far as You want me to have them. Amen.

Humility

"Basically humility is the attitude of one who stands constantly under the judgement of God. It is the attitude of one who is like soil. Humility comes from the latin word humus, fertile ground. The fertile ground is there, unnoticed, taken for granted, always there to be trodded upon. It is silent, inconspicuous, dark and yet it is always ready to receive any seed, ready to give it substance and life. The more slowly, the more fruitful, because it becomes really fertile when it accepts all the refuse of the earth. It is so low that nothing can soil it, abase it, humiliate it; it has accepted the last place and cannot go any lower. In that position nothing can shatter the soul's serenity, its peace and joy."
- from Living Prayer

"Ad maiorem Dei gloriam."
A.M.D.G.
"For the greater glory of God."

"We do find, it is true, great battles to fight, and great hardships to master; but that good Mother makes herself so present and near to her faithful servants, to enlighten them in their darknesses and their doubts, to strengthen them in their fears, and to sustain them in their struggles and difficulties, that in truth this virginal path to find Jesus Christ is a path of roses and honey compared with the other paths. There have been some saints, but they have been small in numbers, who have walked upon this sweet path to go to Jesus, because the Holy Ghost, faithful Spouse of Mary, by a singular grace disclosed it to them."
- St. Louis de Montfort, True Devotion to Mary

Hold your stone

"LET THE PERSON WITHOUT SIN BE THE FIRST TO THROW A STONE." - Jesus Christ

"Do not be afraid of anything that you are going to suffer. Indeed, the devil will throw some of you in prison, that you may be tested, and you will face an ordeal. Remain faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life." (Rev 2:10)