Things aren't always what they seem

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.
When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...

"God does not require great achievements but a heart that holds back nothing for self."
– St. Rose Philippine Duchesne

Loving the things of Heaven

...though it isn't my life's purpose to remove myself from the world when He calls me to stay active in it.

Four years ago I wanted to join the convent because I'd get to spend my entire day praying, dressed in a habit that would constantly remind me of who I belonged to, working actively for the Kingdom.

Would it have been easier?

I'll never know.

Living as a lay person does have its challenges. We're more prone to being attached to people and to things...to the experiences that we cherish and everything we get to do. But most people are called to remain in mainstream society, and those like us who choose to follow Christ - we're here to bring the grace found in churches, convents, and monasteries out into the world.

Praise God that I'm remembering this now.

As I was singing tonight, my heart was so at peace that I was ready to leave this life and be with God. But there's so much more to what I perceive as His plan.

Leilani just walked in my room to give me a hug good night.

We're all here for each other...for as long as He allows us to be...to show each other His love...to help each other grow in virtue...to inspire each other to be holy.

The minor irritations of daily life must not turn into catastrophic tragedies. It's not worth walking around angry or bitter or hurt. People will fail us. Things will go wrong. Life isn't fair.

But God is.

He loves us all the same...wanting us to wake up and realize what He put us here for.

I'm running away from the emptiness of my own sin into the Father's arms of mercy. I'm tired of being lukewarm. I'm tired of compromising my beliefs and His truth for the sake of political correctness. I want to serve with the passion of the Saints and live not just one, but ALL of the Beatitudes. I need to be broken down...humbled enough to know how great God really is.

My mom returned to me a vial of blessed oil.

Remember when we used to lay hands on each other and pray for healing of body and spirit? Remember when we would spend hours talking about the miracles God was working in our lives? About the conversions that were happening within and around us? Remember when we had such fervor to learn and to serve...to give and to receive the blessings He had waiting for us? Do you remember the nights in silent adoration...seeking His presence because we believed He was there waiting for us to come to Him?

I remember.

Some of the people I experienced all of this with are still here in my life to some extent. There are also friends who joined the journey a little later on and some more recently. A few I don't see or talk to anymore, but I think they remember, too.

I think we all remember, at least once in a while, that we were all made for Heaven.

A couple of years ago, this thought made me sad. It seemed like much of what we had together was lost because we weren't together anymore. Yet somehow I still have hope...not so much for a restoration of past relationships but a revival in our relationships with God. It will be different from what they once were, of course, since we're older now and have gone through a lot personally.

But He doesn't ever stop calling us back to Him.

My "yes" today is not the same "yes" it was when I was 21. As the years go by, it's more sacrificial as I come to understand more and more what my "yes" is going to cost me. It still, however, is worth the reward of love and mercy, joy and eternal life that Jesus holds out to me every day. It's a discovery that we all embark upon when we open our hearts and our minds up to the gifts and the grace that He offers us.

Things have changed, but I'm not as sad about them as I used to be.

Why?

Because there's always HOPE and there's always GOD.

Someday we'll get there...just not yet. We've still got a lot of work to do.

It's late and my nose itches

I don't go on AIM anymore so I don't have the sleep police telling me to sign off...hahaha...those were the days. But yes, I should really get my rest because my fatigue sets in when I'm sleep-deprived. Well, that would make sense, wouldn't it?

Actually, Gary is my sleep police now, but he can't do much when he's not living with me yet. I'm naturally a night owl. Work forces me to get up early and getting up early forces me to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. But during vacation, I'm usually up until 1:30 or something in the morning. And after taking a 2 1/2 hour nap because of an all-day migraine, I'm more awake than I need to be right now.

I could call him but he's an early bird so I would feel bad keeping him up. What are we going to do when we get married? He'll have to make me go to bed early. I really shouldn't be up this late. White cell count is low. Red cell count is low. Some other stuff is low...maybe that's why I'm so tired. But ANA came out negative again. Lupus is such a strange disease.

Great conversations with Lyn-Lyn and Mommy today. I was reminded of a lot about faith...about relationships...about priorities and the importance of prayer. I'm really glad Mommy came to Mass with me tonight. We were praying for the same people. And Fr. Ed gave a great homily - as he always does - about the Beatitudes. He said to go home and read Matthew 5:1-12 because God would point out which Beatitude He wants us to live out. I already knew. It's the same one He's asked me to live out for four years. Praise God that yesterday at the LifeTeen Mass He gave me the grace to recommit myself again.

The Beatitudes are the window to the heart of Christ, he said. Then I remembered - brave, loyal, and loving. His heart...I wanted His heart.

Funny how certain circumstances can make you wake up to the "sleepy areas" of your life...or even to give you some indication of being kind of on the right track or the wrong track. Saturday night...I was afraid that it would be my scene again, too. But I knew right away, just standing in line, that it wasn't. I went, however, with a purpose and it all turned out just like I thought it would. What I really, truly appreciated were the friends who came out for me. Almost all of them said, "I don't normally go out like this to places like this, but I'm doing this for you...anything for Marianne." I was so touched because they were doing for me what I was doing for him.

Uncoincedentally (since God's providence always seems to work things out according to what challenges we'll face), my homepage had been posting paragraphs from the Cathechism talking about scandal. We are responsible for the souls of other people. By no means should we lead them to sin, for those who are teachers of the Word are more accountable to God for their actions. I prayed that it wasn't what I was doing because this was the most compromising solution we could come up with. I didn't want to lead anyone astray, but at the same time, I needed the support...the familiar faces...to make it through the night. I was grateful for the post-party reflection and conversation with my brother and sister, knowing that our lifestyles are different from what they were almost ten years ago. It helped so much that my brother Albert stayed with me until the very end because for as long as I can remember, he's been my after-hours security blanket. And Leo - what a hard-core friend/brother you also are...going through all that just to be there with us. We made it out all right, with many a lesson learned and more insight than we expected to come out with.

For some reason, I needed to revisit the past briefly to understand how important it is for me to stay focused...on God, on Gary, on my family, and on the friends who help keep me faithful. So, yes, a lot of good came out of it all, I must say. To realize that I didn't want to lose what has taken me years to gain by the grace of God.

I do beg you, Holy Spirit, for the strength to persevere and keep swimming against the current. For as Fr. Ed carefully noted, when you follow the first seven Beatitudes, you have the reward of the eighth: "Blessed are you, when people insult you and persecute you and speak all kinds of evil against you because you are my followers. Be glad and joyful, for a great reward is kept for you in God. This is how this people persecuted the prophets who lived before you."

To smile through the pain. I beg for the grace. Every day of my life until I die, I want to be able to endure whatever comes. Amen.

"You are the light of the world. A city built on a mountain cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and covers it; instead it is put on a lampstand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way your light must shine before others, so that they may see the good you do and praise your Father in heaven." (Mt 5:14-16)

One More Month

Baccalaureate and Graduation are over...the year is finally finished...and life goes on for all of us. Sad but excited at the same time. I've loved my experience at Verb, as challenging as it was at times. It's the people, the work, the place, the community, and the life-giving spirituality of the Word made flesh...all of it has stretched my soul in a way that nothing in this world ever could. I have wanted it to work somehow where I could stay, and God is keeping a crack in the door open for me...at least to help out a little where I can.

When that school becomes a part of you, it's hard to let go.

I know eventually I'll have to, especially when I start having children of my own, but until the Freshman class becomes seniors I'll give what I can...just so they know that I haven't left them completely.

Most of what I feel, though, is relief that I can rest - kinda - this summer. Between moving out of the Student Life Center and creating my space in the 7th grade classroom at St. Jerome, I'll be spending the next few weeks slowly getting my belongings together at home and bringing it all over to Culver City. There is lots to do...but what I'm really looking forward to is the vacation with Gary...or rather the whole lifetime ahead of us.

I know it's been all that I've talked about / thought about / wrote about recently, but considering that in exactly one month I'll be promising myself to him for the rest of my life, this is a pretty big deal.

So maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase, as they call it. Or maybe we'll stay this way for a while. I just find it comforting that even big decisions or potential challenges that come up seem to work themselves out without much of a problem. It has to be the grace of God. When I find myself worried or stressed about something, it helps so much that we lift it up and surrender the situation to God and trust that He'll take care of it. It amazes me the most to look back and realize that many of the solutions have been Gary's ideas - or what he calls "inspirations" - that always seem to offer the simple solutions we'd been waiting on.

Some people just need a second chance to be everything that He made them to be. Put them in the perfect conditions to grow and they bear abundant fruit...much more than they ever thought they were capable of.

That's my fiance.

I'm going to miss calling him my fiance. Being engaged has been wonderful...but then of course, marriage is the real deal. The joy multiplies and so does the love. Just think - ten years from now...twenty years from now...and God willing, thirty years from now, we'll look at each other and say that we love each other more than we did on our wedding day.

That's why we need to keep working at this relationship, and why we're going to need His guidance along the way.

Praise God for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Perhaps I do not fully understand or appreciate all that it entails, but that's the beauty of discovering that with your spouse as the years go by. We're more ready now than we've ever been, thanks to the prayers and the counsel of others who have had the privilege of living out this very special vocation.

Here we go.............in His name. Amen, Lord, amen.

Wedding Bells

I'm really glad that we stuck to the plan.

When we got engaged in August of last year, I wasn't sure what would be ahead of us. But here we are, one month away from the big day and I'm so amazed at how God has guided every moment of it all.

People ask me all the time how the wedding plans are coming along. I don't have much of a reaction other than saying that not having to put a reception together really does take a load off your shoulders. We've been really flexible with everything in regards to the wedding day - not knowing where exactly the Mass would be (tent or church), not knowing if members of our wedding party would be able to make it because of expected babies (yay, more kiddos!) and having proxies jump in a few weeks before, not knowing how family members would react to our decision to break through the social norm of having a big party afterwards.

Taking a step back and seeing the big picture, it really does reflect who we are as a couple. Other people have their preferences and circumstances - which we're able to appreciate as well when we attend their weddings - but it's great to say that we were able to offer this day to God the way that He wants us to.

What I have really enjoyed is the preparation we've been taking for our marriage. Lots of great conversations about the important issues in the married life...challenges that we might face...blessings that await us...knowing that He will be there every step of the way to carry us through the rest of our lives together.

It is exciting, and it helps that so many people are praying for us. To ask for prayer doesn't mean that we're worried about our relationship. To ask for prayer means that we know how much we need God's grace to sustain and nurture this Sacrament. From what I've learned after reading books, talking to married couples, and working things out with Gary each day, I'm realizing more and more how humbling it is to unite yourself to another person. It's not about you anymore and the things that you want for yourself. It's about opening yourself up to a person that God has sent into your life to teach you how to love and sacrifice for.

I'm so thankful that He gave me another chance at giving my heart away again because it helped me remember how imperfect my own love is without His. This relationship has taught me what it means to seek His will in everything we do and every decision we make. It has blessed me with lessons I can pass on to my own children about the seriousness of marriage and the maturity required to even think about committing yourself to someone for the long term.

And being at Jacob's baptism yesterday, seeing Robby and Emeline offer their child to God and His church, made me realize that how we live our lives as single people...how we handle ourselves in our courtships...how we give to each other in marriage...it all affects how we raise our children and how our children will then go on to live out their vocations when they grow into adulthood.

At our meeting last Monday, Fr. Ed said that maybe we might just have a child that becomes a priest someday. That would be absolutely wonderful. But if we are blessed with children, I just pray that they will grow up to love God and trust Him...to want to live in His will and work for His kingdom whether it's in the single, married or religious life.

Only God knows what the future holds....

Flow

I should be taking a nap right now, but it's too hot in my room to sleep. So I'm taking up another form of rest for me.........writing.

I used to write a lot. Stories. Plays. Some poems. A lot of journal entries. Just spilling out my soul. I figured no one could really appreciate my writing except me, so I didn't bother sharing much of it with anyone. When I'd take a risk and offer my writing for others to read, sometimes it would be received well. Sometimes it wouldn't.

I think that's why I really like reading other people's writing, especially when it's writing by people I know...because I know how scary it can be to put your heart on paper and leave it open to criticism or praise...both of which can be difficult to receive.

Haven't been writing lately. I've been busy. Like I haven't been praying as much as I used to. But I've recently found that I don't even have to set aside hours at a time to talk with God. I can actually have brief conversations with him throughout my day...as if He was a friend walking with me at any given moment.

Really, that's what He is.

Maybe when I'm pressed for time, I can try to translate this kind of flexibility to my writing. My friend Cecille journals on anything she can find...scraps of paper, napkins, pieces of cloth...and sometimes they're not even expressed in words.

Could I be growing in a new direction?

It's a little strange that I'm not as sensitive to what others think of my writing anymore. Perhaps it's because I'm getting more and more comfortable with who I am. If they read it, they read it. If they learn something, great. If they don't, maybe the lesson was just for me. No big deal.

At the heart of it all, however, this is a huge part of who I am. When I don't write, I get overwhelmed...more easily stressed out...unable to express my thoughts verbally because I haven't really taken the time to sit and listen to what's going on in my head. So I just get all cluttered inside. Kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

I said earlier that maybe someday I could burn my journals. Where that came from, I couldn't even tell you. I could just be on this rampage of clearing out my life...but that would be erasing myself...or a very significant part of my journey completely.

Who would read them anyway?

I would.

I want to go back and revisit the days when I would contemplate my life's purpose...when I'd ask myself what in the world I was doing here...when I'd wonder if any sense could be made out of the emotional and spiritual experiences that I couldn't understand.

This blog here is even a remnant of the ashes. The sad thing is that it was easier to just click "Delete blog" than it was to go to the beach and start a bonfire. This site...it has been my attempt to come back. The others were filled with memories of so many people...gone.

Slowly but surely, I'm salvaging my past and hunting for the good that came out of the past four years.

Buried treasure, waiting for me to find.

In time...

Surrender

I had to give it all up to Him because I didn't know who else to turn to. Even the strongest people in your life will not be able to support you all the time. They're human, too. Very human at best.

So I let it go. It was hard to experience...the questioning...the anxiety...the lies that were being poured into me. The spiritual battle that seems more difficult now. In the past, my companions and I would balance each other out, in the sense that one would be there to help carry the other. This time it's total dependence on God because we both struggle at the same time just as intensely as the other.

Few times have I gone through attacks like that but they seem to come more frequently when something really great is about to happen.

And I'm praying that something great is happening right now.

It's almost 10:00...First Visit. Please help him surrender, Kuya Jess.

So aware of our limitations. Challenges coming from people who care...who are curious...who are just plain concerned.

Are you sure this is the one, Gary? But she's sick. Are you ready, Marianne? Are you really ready?

I am sick. I've actually been sick. Not at my worst but bad enough that it's getting so hard to take care of so many things at the same time. Can't get a whole lot done when it feels like a hammer is being pounded into your head or when you try to get out of bed and your legs somehow aren't cooperating very well.

Whatever happened to my understanding of redemptive suffering?

I get down on myself because I don't think I can do a whole lot of good like this...that maybe I'm not good enough to marry this man who wants to love me so much.

But you know what? There is a greater good to all of this. There has to be.

And at this very moment, someone I know who is very close to my heart needs my prayers and the grace that can come to her through the physical, spiritual and emotional pain I can offer up...just so that she can be okay...just so that she can have peace and know everything is in the hands of God.

I can do some good for a little soul not even a day old by believing that he is being held in the palm of the Father's hand...that his birth and the trials that are coming with it are giving his parents the strength of saints. The strength that allows them to put their hope in what He alone can do to keep him alive.

Yes, great things are happening because people are praying. We are learning to surrender everything to Him...everything we have...everything we are...having faith that we are going to witness miracles this weekend.

So many more miracles than we could have ever imagined.

What it means to believe

My kids ask me every year - "What if we're making all this effort to follow the commandments and going to church, and we die and find out that there's no heaven?"

And I tell them - "Well, if there really isn't a heaven, at least you lived your life every day believing in it. That way, you kind of helped this world become a reflection of what heaven would have been like."

We get really philosophical...which is good and bad at the same time.

But nevertheless, it's all part of the faith journey.

You never really have faith if you don't have the opportunity to question it. You can be obedient...but that's not an owned faith. That stage of obedience is where it all begins...you trust in the one who tells you what to do and what to believe because you think that they are telling you the truth. You think that they sincerely are looking out for the best interests of your soul.

One day, however, the choice becomes your own. You reach the point where you're no longer doing or believing for the sake of somebody else. You make a choice to do or to believe because you want to...because you've come to the conclusion at the end of your search that what they were telling you really was true. You realize that after all this time, you've at last fallen in love with what you have chosen to put your faith in.

At times, it seems like a lonely road to tread. No one really understands where you've been...why you think the way you do or act the way you act. They don't get why you feel the way you feel about certain things because there has not been one person who has followed you throughout your entire life experience and experienced it with you.

Except Jesus.

He knows why you question, why you doubt, and why you fear. He knows what makes you stumble and what gives you the strength to get back up. He knows how hard it is...how painful it is...how humiliating it can be to subject yourself to living in this world.

Then all of a sudden, the road isn't so lonely anymore.

I wish I had as much patience with myself as He has with me. He stops to wait when I get tired. He dries my tears when I feel like giving up. He even absorbs my frustration when I get lost and don't know where I'm going.

Dear Kuya Jess, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you can love us so much to sacrifice as much as you did, just so we could be cleansed of our sins. I don't know how you put up with our weaknesses and keep taking us back no matter how many times we've turned our backs on you.

All I know is that you do.

I don't have your heart but I want your love.

And then you show me what your heart looks like...and you say that the pierced and wounded heart you have is the only kind of heart that will hold the kind of love you give.

Pierced and wounded.

"The pain never goes away, Marianne."

I can hear Dominic's voice loud and clear.

I think I remember what that was like. I can't get married and start a family if I've completely lost sight of that. I can't call myself a Christian if I've forgotten what that means.

Blessed are the poor in spirit...
Blessed are those who mourn...
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are the peacemakers...
Blessed are the pure in heart...
Blessed are those who are persecuted for My sake...

I was going to write on a completely different topic but I don't even remember what it was. Maybe I just wanted to remind myself that I do believe in Heaven...and maybe I'm praying that I'll see a piece of it this weekend.

Basta Ikaw, Lord.

A Gift of Love - The legacy we hope to offer future generations

"Teach me, my Lord, to be sweet and gentle in all events of life - in disappointments, in the thoughtlessness of those I trusted, in the unfaithfulness of those whom I relied on. Let me put myself aside to think of the happiness of others, to hide my little pains and heartaches so that I may be the only one to suffer from them. Teach me to profit from the suffering that comes across my path. Let me use it, that it may make me patient, not irritable; that it may make me broad in forgiveness, not narrow, haughty or overbearing. May no one be less good by having come within my influence, no one less pure, less true, less kind, less noble for having been a fellow traveler in our journey toward eternal life. As we go our rounds from one destruction to another, let us whisper from time to time a word of love and thanks to you. May our lives be lived in the supernatural - full of powerful good and strong in its purpose of sanctity. Amen."
(from Jubilaeum 2000 album)

Family Life

SAINT OF THE DAY
St. Gianna Molla (1922-1962)
Gianna was a physician and surgeon who frequently worked with mothers, babies, the elderly, and the poor. While pregnant, she was diagnosed with a cyst, and her surgeon recommended an abortion in order to save Gianna's life; she refused and died a week after childbirth.

"O Jesus, I promise You to submit myself to all that You permit to befall me, make me only know Your Will."
– St. Gianna Molla

******************************

I said I would choose the life of my child over my own...even if the baby was not born yet...that child is still alive.

At this stage in my life, I'm not longer making decisions for myself. That sounds so strange because it may seem that I have been and always will be bound to another person's welfare. As a child, I obeyed (most of the time) and listened to what my parents told me to do...for my own good. Now that I'm almost 30, everything I do is purposed for the good of someone else.

These days, it's either for my fiance and for the children that God may bless us with. They even have to come before my job, my students, my immediate family, and my ministry work. This is what it means to grow up...to leave the life you had lived as a young person and take responsibility for the commitments you have made.

I'm getting married in two months...moving out of my house away from my family for the first time. In almost four months I'll be starting a new job in a new community...allowing my identiy to evolve as it is influenced by even more people and experiences.

All because I've been trying my best to be faithful to a calling that has sounded like more of a quiet whisper in my heart...leading me to a place for a reason I cannot clearly see.

The questions seem to have squatted into a corner of my mind, making their home amidst even the confirmations. I occassionally find myself asking in all respects, "Am I making the right decision?"

It broke my heart to tell the KAIROS leaders that I will not be at Verb next year. Painful for me and for them, as they made it very apparent by their concern. Yet somehow I know it's time...somehow I know that we'll make this work because I'm not completely walking away.

That community is too close to my heart.

It's surprising how two years can change you like that...but after getting to know these kids, it's not surprising at all.

Dear Jesus, please carry me through the sadness and give me the joy that will bring me peace. Amen.

The Right to Write

A book I read a while back. I think I need to revisit that one.

My brother handed me a screenwriting DVD this morning. That was a sign of his faith, and I found it extremely touching. He draws and paints and sculpts and films and plays all kinds of instruments. I sing and dance and write...and I kinda play the ukulele.

We're artists.

At this moment, however, I think I've been in hibernation for a while.

There's been a disconnect - I was telling Brandi yesterday - between me and my story. It's funny that I should say that because I'm asked to tell it over and over again. Maybe it's because I've felt that I've owned the rights to my story...maybe it's because I haven't given much credit to the God who actually authored the whole thing in the first place. Maybe it's like Brandi said...we have to find joy in telling His story first and realize how He truly is our "precious Lord".

And so the thread continues to weave through each day of my life.

Jana and her blogs - all in one day - sparked a flame within me. But it wasn't all in one day because she is who she is after 24 years of being Jana. So even if I've only known her for two years and read two months worth of entries, her whole life is helping to change mine because we're the same...yet different. It isn't, though, like she's actively doing something for me. She's making a difference simply by being faithful to who she is. I know that, and that's what inspires me.

It's something that an old friend asked of me once upon a time.

"I just need you to be you."

And then all of a sudden I couldn't be.

But now three years later, it's something that I can't run away from anymore. It hurts too much to hide from myself.

This journey that I'm on...my own personal journey is about DISCOVERY. It's a time for me to get to know God - Father, Son and Spirit - in a new way...with the heart of a child and the maturity of an adult. It's a time for me to get know myself...to accept this woman I see in the mirror with everything she is and ever has been. It's a time for me to get to know the world and the people living in it...to first try to understand who they are, where they've been, and where they dream of going.

It's a time to embrace the characters, the plots and the settings...to be challenged by the conflicts and to find hope in the resolutions.

I'd like a happy ending...not just for me but for everyone I know. It's that idealism again. Granted that life comes with suffering, it hit me tonight that I'd been camping out on Calvary long after the tomb had been emptied.

We are an Easter people. The greatest witness is to believe in the Resurrection...to have hearts full of joy...to be just like Jesus. If we were otherwise, we couldn't call ourselves Christians.

Thank you, Lord. =) Thank you for this day...for my friends...for prayer meeting tonight...for the ride home with Lyn-lyn and the resolution not to wait anymore for "something" to happen to get us going again.

There isn't any bigger "something" than You dying for our sins and rising again, only to give us the miracle of Your Presence here in this world when we receive You in the Eucharist.

Time to get up, my friends. Praise God!

There are no shortcuts...

...if where you're going is worth something. - Mother Dolores

The pain will always be there. No matter how old you get, it doesn't go away. You just have to accept it. - Dominic

It's always darkest right before dawn. - Mariette

God has given you a gift. He might not be calling you back to the front lines, but when it's time to use it, He'll let you know. - Dominic

Your deepest wounds integrated become your greatest treasures. - Mariette

This is who I am. I'm an adult now...and I need to be able to freely make my own decisions. - Marianne

You're okay, Marianne. You really are. - Gary

******************************

What a day. That's all I have to say...

Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery – the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the "material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones." Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children. By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them. (CCC #2223)

Walk by faith, not by sight

In His public ministry, Jesus impacted only a localized geographical area in Palestine. In His risen ministry, miles of territory, locked doors, and death are no longer barriers to Him. The risen Jesus has no obstacles except our doubts (see Jn 20:25; Mt 28:17, RNAB). The Eucharist challenges us to recognize Jesus as He really is. It's a risen Sacrament. Our eyes see bread and wine. But we "come to know Him in the breaking of bread" (Lk 24:35).
- excerpt from One Bread, One Body

"He loves, He hopes, He waits. If He came down on our altars on certain days only, some sinner, on being moved to repentance, might have to look for Him, and not finding Him, might have to wait. Our Lord prefers to wait Himself for the sinner for years rather than keep him waiting one instant."
– St. Peter Julian Eymard

Alleluia!

Now I know why it hurts...

One Bread, One Body - Reflection for April 15, 2006

DID YOU MISS ME?

"I opened to my Lover – but my Lover had departed, gone. I sought Him but I did not find Him; I called to Him but He did not answer me." –Song of Songs 5:6

On this Holy Saturday, there is no Mass, no eucharistic presence in the tabernacles of our Churches, no eucharistic readings proclaimed for the world to hear. Jesus our Life (Jn 14:6; 11:25) has fallen to the ground and died (Jn 12:24). He has been buried in the tomb, and we who are baptized into Him have also been buried with Him (see Rm 6:4). We are deprived of His special eucharistic presence until tonight's Easter Vigil.

Many might say, "So what's the big deal? Just wait until tonight or tomorrow and you'll get your Jesus back as usual." They would be speaking pragmatic words, but love isn't pragmatic or practical. The toddler cries when its beloved mother leaves the room. The lover in the Song of Songs passage above searches all night long for her missing Lover. We who are living our Baptisms to the full are so joined to Jesus that we miss Him terribly when we are deprived of His presence. When we have centered our lives on the Mass, we miss His presence in the Eucharist so much because we love Him so much.

Do you miss the eucharistic Jesus today? Do you even know He is missing? If not, today is your chance to grow in love. Ask the Holy Spirit to pour out the love of God in your heart (Rm 5:5). If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then may Jesus' absence today make your hearts overflow with love for Him.

PRAYER:
"As the hind longs for the running waters, so my soul longs for You, O God. Athirst is my soul for God, the living God. When shall I go and behold the face of God?" (Ps 42:2-3)

******************************

There was a reason, and this is it. I didn't know why I was feeling so empty, so alone yesterday - but here is the answer. It just makes me realize how very closely tied I am to Him...bound like a handmaid to her Master...a call for commitment like nothing else I have ever known.

He's trying to keep me close, but it's up to me to fully choose Him. I can't continue to pretend to be something I'm not...living like I used to live, acting how I used to act, thinking how I used to think. It's different now. It has been for the last 7 years. Everytime I'd take a few steps back into the world I had left or played with the idea of selfishly serving myself, I would feel this same pain in my heart...like He was gone...not because He left me but because I was the one who walked away from Him.

It's something I know not many people will understand, but that shouldn't keep me from walking this path. This will always be a test of faithfulness. He has to have all of me...all of my heart...all of what I do...all the time.

All for your glory, Lord. To live for anything else would be living in vain.

+AMDG+

Saint of the Day - Bl. Cesar de Bus

Bl. Cesar de Bus (1544-1607)
A wild youth, Cesar had complete conversion when he passed a church on the way to a party and saw a small light illuminating a picture of the Virgin Mary. After he was ordained, he founded a religious order and became a great catechist. St. Francis de Sales called him "a star of the first magnitude in the firmament of Catechesis."

"I was so beside myself and fired with such a longing to do something in imitation of him, that I would not give my eyes sleep or my days rest until I had given some beginning to this resolution of mine."
-Blessed Cesar de Bus, writing about Saint Charles Borromeo

All I've got

IN CHRIST ALONE
Brian Littrell

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone
Is Christ alone

The only thing is that whatever is going to bring me back doesn't seem like it's going to be something I have tried already. Whatever that "magic key" is, it's going to show up someday. Or will it?

Maybe it's simply a matter of me persevering in my prayer. Maybe every night before I go to sleep and every morning that I wake up, I need to pray for the grace to recognize Him in my day...to be able to hear his voice and see His face...to fall in love with Him again.

And maybe if I pray hard enough and I pray long enough, God will grant me His peace and allow me to experience His presence. But maybe not...

I wonder if this is just part of my journey, where I'm being molded and placed on a steeper path that will only strengthen me along the way. Maybe it isn't about the flowers anymore or the sweet consolations I used to receive so frequently.

Maybe this desert I'm walking in is the place where I will finally learn to cling to Him alone.

This isn't about me and a somebody else. It's about me and my God. Because there was a once upon a time that even amidst so many responsibilities, so many friendships, amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life, I somehow managed to make time for Jesus.

I talked about Him all the time. I wrote about Him every night. And throughout my days, I would thank Him for every "little" blessing He gave to remind me of the reality of Heaven.

It was a great relationship.

Now that I'm older and seven or so years have passed since my spiritual rebirth - or conversion experience, if you will - I notice that at times it becomes very routine. The life has gone out of my faith, at least from what I remember it to be.

Once upon a time.

I've never stopped praying...
I've never stopped going to Mass...
I've always been faithful to the Rosary...

...but my prayers are not filled with the confidence they used to have.
...but being in Mass and receiving Jesus in Holy Communion has become a thing to do instead of an encounter with God.
...but Mama Mary has taken her place in the back of my heart where I tend to forget how much she prays for me and for the rest of the world each and every day.

Someday.

Today, though, I just have to pay attention to the little things. God is trying to leave me with a lesson every day, so I need to live with that kind of awareness. It's easy to get caught up in all the things that don't matter in the end.

This might be the last of it......................and I can't predict what He'll tell me or show me along that way. With whatever happens, it's sure to be interesting.

Good nite!