Friday, November 11, 2005

Day Planning

For those of you who just can't seem to get the concept of time management down, I recommend Franklin Covey's prioritizing system. I didn't want to blog about this until it actually became a habit, and being that I've done this consistently for over 21 days (29 to be exact!), that officially makes it a habit I have developed (yaaaaay!!!).

I should be sleeping right now, but I took an hour nap and I'm still pretty wide awake so I thought I'd share the wealth.

I am the classic procrastinator in addition to tendencies toward overachievement and perfectionism. After attending a workshop to help campus ministers manage their tasks and time, I realized that my life was a mess. Okay, maybe not that bad, but it wasn't efficiently run. I wasted a lot of time and a lot of energy, and I could never find the time to do the things that were really important to me. I was always tired and unnnecessarily stressed out, and I really couldn't blame it on my illness. Something needed to change, so I decided to apply everything I learned immediately (there is also the 72-hour rule...if you choose to do something, make sure you get started within 72 hours or you'll never really begin).

It was difficult at first but I was determined to make this system work for me. I have so many facets of my job and of my life that I couldn't not have a plan for my days. Just taking the 15 minutes per morning (or night) alone to plan had to become habit, and then things that I wanted to incorporate into my life needed to become a regular part of my life as well. I had to keep track of how many hours of sleep I was getting, whether I took my medicine and vitamins, what I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if I was able to get any exercise in, how much water I drank during the day.

Of course you don't have to be as anal as I am since I need to log all this stuff to track changes in my health, but it's nice to know that things - especially important things - are no longer slipping through the cracks and not getting done.

There have been a couple of days at the most when I decided not to make a schedule and have a do-whatever-I-want day, and there have also been times when I decided to put off a task or two for a day just so I could visit my sister or catch up with a friend who happens to call out of the blue. Moments like that are important to me, so I definitely don't pass those opportunities up. But gone are the days of feeling unproductive because now it feels like I'm doing more things that really do have purpose.

It's almost 11:30 and I should start winding down, so I'll just leave you with hints on a to-do list for now. Perhaps in my next entry, I'll explain the concept of prioritizing tasks and give you an idea of how I organize my day.

Part One: THE TO-DO LIST
Making the most of your to-do list...

Take a little time each day to build you list of things To Do.

  • Include in your to-do list activities that help you move closer to reaching your goals. Moving toward your dream takes effort. Not as much as you might think, but it does take something - a willingness to examine what you want and how you spend your time. Perhaps there is a skill you want to learn, or a place you want to visit, or there is something about yourself you want to improve. Write down something today to move you closer to your goals.
  • In addition to activities that will help you reach your goals, you will have tasks that must be completed for work, school, home life, etc. These activities may or may not be directly related to your long-term goals, but they must be completed to keep your life functioning. Write these activities on your list also.
  • Be sure that you do not include activities that should appear on your Appointment Schedule. Meetings, classes, doctor visits, and other scheduled items can be listed on your Appointment Schedule in the appropriate time slot and do not need to take up space on your to-do list.
  • It also helps to review the upcoming days to see what you can do today to prepare for future events or assignments. Research, agenda preparation, etc., are items that could be put on your to-do list in preparation for the days ahead.

"There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we do it as beautifully as possible."

- Bl. Mother Teresa

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Struggle

"It's hard to be holy, huh, Ms. Soratorio?"

"Yes, it is, Alex...you can't do it by yourself. That's why you need God's help."

I gave them a snippet of what I used to be like, and I realized how much I've changed. But lately, I've been so aware of how much farther I have to go.

We try our best, we really do.

We can only give God who we are and let Him work with what we've got. He doesn't expect us to run faster than we're able. If we fall, we just have to get back up.

"But what if you keep struggling with the same sin?"

"Then you go back to confess it again. If you keep going to Confession, eventually it won't become a problem anymore. It takes time, and you have to be patient with yourself."

Patience. It's such a difficult virtue to learn because it's almost easier to get stuck in the frustration and move towards giving up.

What are we doing here, again?

God created us because He needed to have relationship. He is love and love by its very nature wants to give. He needed someone to give to.

So that means we are here to receive His love, just because He wants to love us. When we mess up, He still loves us, and He still keeps giving to us. When we receive His love, we develop that love relationship with Him and out of that love, we want to give Him our love in return.

How do we do that?

By wanting to be with Him...living our lives to please Him...doing all we can to make Him happy. Our love becomes self-giving as well. Not selfish.

Wow, that's convicting.

I honestly don't live every day of my life waking up thinking about Him. I wake up thinking about what I have to do because it needs to get done, but I don't think about who I'm doing it for. Periodically I'll do things consciously for myself, for my fiance, for my family, or for my friends. Do I say to my Lord, "I'm doing this for You"?

Not really.

I guess I just assume that He knows and I don't have to think about it.

But I want to.

I want to be as intentional with my actions for God as I am with everything else I do for other people.

Maybe I just need to acknowledge more often that He's actually with me throughout my day. Yes, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep and also through the night into the next morning. Maybe then it'll come more naturally.

Maybe then I won't offend Him anymore because I'll be conscious of His presence...of how much He loves me and how much I really do want to please Him.

Maybe then it won't be so hard to try to be holy.

Our faith and our relationship with Him is the greatest blessing we have. I pray that I'll grow to appreciate it as much as the saints did when they truly had God as their everything.

"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
- Bl. Mother Teresa

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Today's 1st Reading

God formed man to be imperishable;
the image of his own nature he made them.
But by the envy of the Devil, death entered the world,
and they who are in his possession experience it.

But the souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;
and their passing away was thought an affliction
and their going forth from us, utter destruction.
But they are in peace.
For if before men, indeed, they be punished,
yet is their hope full of immortality;Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed,
because God tried them
and found them worthy of himself.
As gold in the furnace, he proved them,
and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.
In the time of their visitation they shall shine,
and shall dart about as sparks through stubble;
They shall judge nations and rule over peoples,
and the Lord shall be their King forever.
Those who trust in him shall understand truth,
and the faithful shall abide with him in love:
Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones,
and his care is with his elect.
(Wis 2:23–3:9)

This is a reading that is usually used at funerals...I remember it very well from the many I have attended. Today's passage however begins a few verses before and speaks of the devil's envy.

Satan envies us. Why and what does that mean?

Envy: A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

He wanted something that we had when God created us.

What can we do that Satan cannot?

Procreate.

Satan as the angel Lucifer was not made to take part in the creation of anything. He by his very nature could praise God and serve Him - just like we can - and had more power than any man or woman ever would, but this...he could not do.

So how does he retaliate?

He destroys.

He destroys relationships. He destroys lives. Anything life-giving is his enemy.

"...death entered the world and those who are in his possession experience it." (v.24)

This, I believe is not death of the body but death of the soul. We will all pass away but the Father has given us His Son to save us for an eternity with Him. If we do not accept the death of Jesus for our sins, we reject the very gift of salvation.

How easy it would be to slip back into the ways of the world, but how tragic the consequences.

Is it really worth it? Fleeting moments of temporary happiness in exchange for what?

Jaymee sent me a quote a while back that convicts the heart profoundly - "No matter which of the thousands roads you choose, at the end of life we'll see two faces: the beautiful face of Christ or the wretched face of Satan. One will claim us for all eternity."

Yesterday I recalled a young man I met who said he used to be very involved in his church - leader of a praise band, making music for God. Something happened that caused him to lose faith in God and he has turned his back on the Lord completely. Seeing his life now, I couldn't understand why he would leave such a beautiful journey but I could only trust that God still called him and I prayed that someday he would open the door of his heart again.

Things may happen that disillusion us and lead us to believe that God isn't really there...that all the effort we put into remaining strong in faith is more than we can handle. We see hypocrisy in our church and we don't want to be a part of it because the people we deal with everyday "out there" are more real than the ones we see in the house of God.

Some of that I do understand.

It's a road, however, that I cannot take.

I can't leave Him, and I can't leave His Church. I looked up at the Cross during Mass last night and I heard myself repeating the words I've said again and again - "If I was to walk away from this, where would I go?"

I pray that those who have left will come back...that they will someday learn that those difficult times were great opportunities for virtue to emerge...that they will hear the words of Solomon and know that God does care, that He does love them with everything He is.

"Do not invite death by the error of your life,
or bring on destruction by the works of your hands;
because God did not make death,
and He does not delight in the death of the living.
For He created all things so that they might exist;
the generative forces of the world are wholesome,
and there is no destructive poison in them,
and the dominion of Hades is not on earth,
For righteousness is immortal."
(Wis 1:12-16)

Thursday, November 03, 2005

It's all coming together

I want to write about something but I don't know what to write about.

Maybe I got it all out at adoration earlier.

How are you?

I'm good. Yeah, I'm actually doing pretty well. Funny to say that when last week was so rough. That's the strange thing about my condition...about my life, really. It's very roller-coasterish.

When I walked in the front door tonight, I saw Leilani and my mom both asleep on the couch. It was the cutest thing.

Leilani is in kindergarten now at St. Pius. She looks so adorable in her uniform. I'm glad Lyn-Lyn decided to transfer her there because she would not have been able to dress up as St. Therese for All Saints' Day if she was still in a public school. And her cousin Cha-Cha is her reading buddy. That's cool.

So I'm looking forward to seeing her grow up and learn more...to be there as she develops in faith. She's learning how to read now. What she'll do when we're driving around is she'll look for signs and spell them out and ask me what they say. Then I tell her to sound it out and she uses the letter sounds to try to figure it out. Super-cool.

What else is new?

Emeline is pregnant (not so new) and she's cute, too! In a very grown-up mommy kind of way, of course. Her tummy is a little bigger each time I see her. How exciting...I get a kick out of watching Robby talk to the baby inside. I pray every day for them and the baby, who I will get to meet in 5 months! Yes, I am SOOOOO grateful that she is going through all that before me. As you can see, I have no problem being the oldest and not being the first to do everything. I like being one step behind for a change. That's super-duper cool.

Someone else I know is pregnant, too, but I can't say too much because I don't know how much she's already shared. And for that blessing, I thank God, too!!!

Lots will be happening next year...my cousin Beng, Em, and my friend will all have their babies...the KPsiE 10-year reunion in March...my last 6th grade class will be graduating from St. Paul...Summer and I will be getting married (no, not to each other!)...I'll move out of the house for the first time in my entire life...I'll get to go to Hawaii with Gary for 2 whole weeks!...my first students at Verb will be going through their KAIROS in the fall...and I'll be turning 30 (finally! I know - it's weird that I'm happy about that, but I am).

Yaaaaay! God is so good.

It's great to have so many things to look forward to.

Life, of course, is not always a bed of roses and I'm sure the year will also be sprinkled with difficulties, but it is a comfort to know that God will always be there in the midst of it all.

Praying through each day so that I don't take any of it for granted.

That's it for tonight. I think I'll get ready for bed now.

and Jason, if you happen to be reading this, you'll be happy to know that my bedtime is now 10:00pm. I'm also eating regularly, taking my vitamins and medication, drinking lots of water and trying to keep stress to a minimum (I think that's the most challenging).

Huge accomplishment, eh?

Now if I can only get myself to the track...

Okay, okay...good night!

+AMDG+

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Retracing my steps

Sometimes you have to go back to a time and place when you began to try...to try to better yourself and turn away from everything that was getting you down. After giving the world a fair shot, you just realized that it hurt too much to live the way most people were because deep down inside you knew you were called to something greater.

So many times had I made the attempt to get back on my feet but it wasn't until I took His hand that I was able to stay up long enough to make any real progress.

I had to make the journey again...driving out to St. John Vianney in Hacienda Heights for Confession and Mass just so I could remember what it was like to approach Him with that much humility...knowing that I really wasn't as okay as I thought I was...understanding that He needed to be the one to change me and that I couldn't ever do it by myself.

Other people will see me and say that I look fine, but I know better. I know when I'm trying to distract myself from answering God's call to give Him every single aspect of my life. I did it before, years ago, but I guess you could say I was definitely in the "honeymoon phase" of my faith. Everything came easy because I was so in love with Him. Now that it's no longer based on good feelings, I need to make the conscious choice to love Him in the struggle. That's when He'll really know. That's when I can really prove it.

And that would be now.

We all have those moments when we need to rewind and remember where we came from. Eileen called me the other day from up north saying that she had one of those moments in church and she thought of the memories we shared here at home just talking about God and our personal walks with Him.

On the way to church, I also popped in a cd that I made for my first 6th grade class, and the songs triggered so much within me that I couldn't help but be thankful for every step of the path He has set me on.

It may be a place. It may be a person, or it may be a song. God can speak to us in so many different ways, and He's always calling us back. It's just up to us to make that drive or that phone call to encounter Him again...to experience His healing, His comfort, and His love.

And if anything, He's always there Himself - Jesus in the Eucharist, waiting for us to visit and just say hi.

Yes, sometimes you have to retrace your steps in order to get back on track.

It might be scary at first because you don't know what to expect...but you can trust that God will be there...and that He'll be absolutely overjoyed that you decided to come home.

Remember what it was like to know His joy and His peace...to pray with all your heart, knowing in faith that He heard your requests...to rest in His arms and trust in His protection...to leave your sinful past behind you and start over "as if nothing ever happened".

That's so beautiful.

I don't know who I'm writing this to...perhaps it's just a reminder for myself so I can read it again someday...but if there is someone out there who happens to come across this entry needing to recommit their lives to Christ, then please know that I will be praying for you.

As we celebrate the feasts of All Saints and All Souls, the mystical body of Christ joins together to remember who we are...whose side we're fighting for...and that it is a battle we fight every day to establish the kingdom of God here on earth.

We are a pilgrim people, moving through this life in order to help Him get more people into the next.

Our destination: HEAVEN

To lose sight of that would mean to lose our very souls. May God grant His pardon to us for forgetting when we do, and may His mercy be the doorway through which we always return.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A new perspective

It's always good to look at things from different angles, especially when you can't find anything valuable in the perspective you currently have.

Thank you, Lord, for all the friends who called me today and offered their conversation. I can see how each one led me to the next...like it was one long talk that just continued from person to person. All just to catch up, some business to take care of, one to tell me some GREAT news. =) Definitely what I needed today.

Lessons that came out of the convos:

  • Sometimes our thoughts border being absolutely crazy...those you don't share with anyone or else you'll cause a lot of potential problems.
  • Never assume anything about anyone.
  • Everything is going to be fine.
  • We will and should experience that tension between Heaven and earth. It will never be 100% comfortable living in this world because it isn't our home. Our souls are always seeking so much more.
  • You can't plan inflexibly. God will decide to test and to bless and you've got to be open for both at any time.
  • It's okay to have some doubt because that fear of losing something important to you tells you that it's probably worth holding on to.
  • Reminder: LOVE IS SACRIFICE
  • It's time to tune in again because there isn't an excuse anymore to stay tuned out.
  • Go back to what worked before. It's a good place to start.
  • Living without community is hard...however, if not given the time or the opportunity, do what the saints did in order to stay close to God...stick with the basics: Rosary, Daily Mass, Adoration, Scripture.
  • We each have a "life theme". We may not feel that we always live it out to its fullest but it definitely remains a goal to strive for....whether it be "seeing Christ in all people" or "being Love", it is the essence of who He made us to be in this world.

And, yes, I am complicated. Another thing I would rather not admit to, but it's true. This interior housecleaning isn't going to happen overnight, so I have to learn to be patient with myself.

Dear Jesus, I really need Your eyes right now. Your heart would be good, too.

There are certainly some things in my life that really should not be risked...1) salvation, 2) commitment, and 3) dignity. I've got to be obedient because I know it's best. Times when I wasn't got me into lots of trouble.

I will always love people no matter who they are but I need to know how to live that love out.

Holy Spirit, that's where You come in.

This is where my pain comes from. This is my struggle...to allow God the freedom to work in any way He chooses but to act with the prudence He also uses to protect us. Perhaps I shall no longer suffer if I offer this all to Him in prayer...even before I open up about it to anyone else, I really should bring it to God first. Everyone will be much more at peace as a result.

That's just what is best.

Whew. Today started off kind of slow but I must say that it was a great day. Thanks be to God. =) I'm beginning to really love this journey. It's not as chaotic as I initially thought it would be. So instead of questioning everything, I'm just going to let it go. Or accept it. Whatever the case may be...

"...the suffering in this present life cannot compare to the Glory that awaits us..." (Rom 8:18)

"GOD will never leave you EMPTY,
He will REPLACE everything you've LOST.
If He asks you to put something DOWN,
it's because HE wants YOU to PICK-UP something GREATER."

Monday, October 24, 2005

I want to be like Jesus

...though I will always fall short. I figured, though, that I'm better off wanting to be like Him rather than anyone else who has ever lived.

Of course we always admire people...we want to look like they do...have what they have...act like they act...and it's perfectly okay to have role models and heroes.

But I'm finding that I need someone who will walk closely enough with me...who will spend enough time with me to influence me just by their presence alone.

And that's my Lord.

I'm too easily influenced by the world...by my physical, emotional, and spiritual environment. In positive circumstances, this is a GREAT thing. However, this isn't always the type of situation I find myself in.

If people around me are negative, I start to become negative. If things that I see attract me to want more materially, I find myself spending money on stuff I don't really need. If I listen to music that doesn't uplift my spirit, I lose the desire to pray more and talk about God as the center of everything.

Granted that I can't live my life as if I was a contemplative nun, I need to again be grounded enough so that when I am surrounded by things or attitudes that aren't particularly helpful, I don't become consumed by them. Further progress will be made when I can be in those situations and actually see the face of God, hear His voice and recognize His hand moving in that particular time.

So my prayer is that somehow, someway God will help me know Him better so that I can love him more...that through receiving the Eucharist and being in His Presence I will be transformed into His likeness.

Opportunities for humility are to be expected. They don't always feel good, but I'm thinking that that they're very necessary for me right now. Get ready...

Whooohooo =) praise God. Really, praise God.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Once upon a time...

I thought I knew who I was. Now I'm not so sure I can define that.

Honestly, deep down inside I don't know what I consist of.

Pieces of other people's lives...fragments of their opinions...playdoh-like formations of what society has tried to mold me into.

They say I'm a leader. They say I'm smart and faithful. Nice. Inspiring.

Am I really?

I remember snippets of time when I walked with confidence, but it was confidence in myself...not so much a confidence in God.

I've always been messy inside. Not many people have known that but I'm writing about it because I have to finally admit it. The funny thing is that it's no longer freaking me out. I'm getting quite used to it because it helps me deal with other people's "messiness".

Nope, haven't always had it all together. To a certain degree, I still don't. Lots of work to do in this lifetime but thank God I don't have to do it alone.

Like this blog entry, for instance. I'm writing and I know it doesn't make sense, but it seems that these kinds of entries seem to touch more people than other stuff I've written. So there are people out there who can identify with my "mess". Interesting.

If I ever write a book someday on anything, it's going to be a lot like this. Who knows if it'll be published, but someone might need it. But then maybe I should just write it because I need it.

Random thoughts.

Gary likes to ask me what I'm thinking when I'm quiet. Sometimes I don't even have words for what I'm thinking...but at the end of the day, this is what my mind is filled with. Mere randomness. The thing is that I don't talk too much about what goes on in my head when I do have something coherent to share because I've been warned not to say too much. I figure, who needs to know all this anyway? Highly doubting the significance of my mindless reflection.

Current random thought:
If I were to be an animal, I'd be a turtle. I used to say an eagle when our pledges would interview us because I loved its independence and freedom. Nowadays I'm more like a turtle that would rather withdraw into the safety of its shell and hide out for as long as it can, going at its own pace...not caring that the rest of the world is going faster than it.

In the larger grand scheme of things, who is more important - the eagle or the turtle? I don't know, but God created them both so you can't say a turtle is a waste of His energy. Every one is special... and I guess the moral of this blog entry is that I need to realize that. Maybe I'm not as active as I used to be. Maybe my path isn't as clear as it was some years ago. But God still thinks my life is worth something, so I need to believe that, too.

I will not apologize for my randomness today, like I tend to do. It's just here for anyone who has ever felt that their life didn't make a whole lot of sense but always prayed that it be given some purpose and sense of importance.

No more chasing the wind of empty promises and broken dreams. I'm taking stake of what I'm here for. It's a little cloudy at the moment but I'm sure He'll reveal some truth in it all for me to learn from.

So I shall go to sleep now and take tomorrow to pray for meaning in the seeming meaningless...interior calm amdist the busyness...consolation in the fears. Just to be a better person...to be more than I have been for everyone in my life.

The End.

Friday, October 21, 2005

"When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life." - Greg Anderson

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

A Small Sacrifice

Sometimes you have to give more than you think you have the energy for just because you know it's good for you...like exercising and eating right...though I don't do well with either of those two...I just know that I need to get back into some sort of routine to keep my soul in check. My job depends on it. So does my future marriage. One step at a time. I'll work on my diet and physical activity gradually, but my relationship with God comes first.

At least I'm getting more sleep! =) That's progress...

If you're reading this, please pray for our Freshman Retreat on Thursday. Thank you!!!

Lots going on right now.

This is why I need to go back to Daily Mass. If Mother Teresa could find time to pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament and go to Mass every day as she served the poorest of the poor, I can do the same if I really try. Life demands much of us and rarely is it ever easy, especially when you give your all. But God makes it all worth it and the Eucharist gives us the strength to go on when we can't hold ourselves up.

If I continue to say I'm too busy for Him, I won't make it through this year.

The pull of the world is so strong...but I know who I belong to. Now I just have to recommit myself to The Way I know to be true...the path that I had begun to walk down but stopped to rest for a while...at least until I started feeling the call to get up again.

In and not of it.

I look into his eyes and I want to give him so much but it'll never be enough. If I can offer him a heart in love with God, that's an eternity with joy forever guaranteed.

I see them needing something but I always feel that I don't have much to fill the emptiness. If I can be Christ's presence to them, that's more gift than anyone could ever ask for.

How do I know this?

Because that's what he offers me. Because that's what they are for me every day.

I have to keep growing into what the Father made me to be. I need to fulfill the purpose that the death of Jesus made possible for the life I was given. I absolutely must be open to the Spirit moving within me and around me and I've got to start paying attention.

Time goes by way too fast and I feel like I'm missing out on so much.

Pay attention. Listen. Watch. Pray.

That's all Jesus told the disciples to do before Pentecost. That's all He asks us to do so that we can hear the voice of God speak and direct us...so that we will become true intercessors...saints called to be holy, not because we want to be recognized for our holiness but because we have discovered what we were created to do for the good of the Kingdom.

There is a gap between heaven and earth and each of us is called to fill it.

Our Lord is the bridge and we are an extension of His Body. He's crying out to us to remember this.

The memories can only hold me over for so long.

It's time to fly again...

"But love your enemies and do good to them, and lend when there is nothing to expect in return. Then will your reward be great and you will be sons and daughters of the Most High. For he is kind towards the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Don't be a judge of others and you will not be judged; do not condemn and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven; give and it will be given to you, and you will receive in your sack good measure, pressed down, full and running over. For the measure you give will be the measure you receive back." (Luke 6:35-38)

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Special Intention

Quake Kills More Than 18,000 in South Asia

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (AP) - A powerful earthquake flattened entire villages of mud-brick homes, triggered landslides and toppled a 10-story apartment building on Saturday, killing more than 18,000 people as it devastated a mountainous swath touching Pakistan, India and Afghanistan.

The casualty toll from the 7.6-magnitude tremor rose sharply Sunday as rescuers struggled to dig people from the wreckage, their work made more difficult as rain and hail turned dirt and debris into sticky muck. Maj. Gen. Shaukat Sultan, Pakistan's chief army spokesman said early Sunday that more than 18,000 had been killed - 17,000 of them in Pakistani Kashmir, where the quake was centered. Some 41,000 people were injured, he said.


******************************


There are people all over the world with no homes, no families, no hope. After tragedies like 911, the earthquake in El Salvador, the tsunami in Southest Asia, Hurricane Katrina, and this recent devastation, we can only be moved to gratitude for what we have...for the time we spend living our lives with the people we love.

We may never feel like we have enough time, money, or resources but when we compare our situations with those who have nothing, we cannot even begin to wish for more.

God gives us what we need and His grace is always sufficient...

May the greatest good come from the deepest heartache. Amen.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The Perfect Heart

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it.

Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart. Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said,

"Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Everybody is special

Each person is deeply loved by God. Even if we have a hard time liking them or accepting them as a part of our lives, we need to love what God loves. Therefore, we need to love everyone He does. He wants the best for them, and so should we.

Recognizing the presence of the Lord in all people would really reduce the amount of sin in the world and in our own individual lives. It's difficult to harbor unforgiveness, resentment, anger, lustful thoughts, jealousy, impatience, irritation, etc. when you ask to see Him there. If they have pushed Him out of their hearts, we cannot then just shake our heads with pity. We need to pray that God will reclaim them for Himself and do what we can to show them mercy and compassion.

As much as I "work with God" this is easy for me to forget sometimes, too. I have always wanted to love God more, and it's a piece of cake when I'm sitting in front of the Eucharist in adoration. But the real challenge is finding Him in those who surround us everyday...those we would rather not see or talk to...those who may make life tense or stressful for us.

This also would help my prayer and day-to-day minstry with people, whether they be family, coworkers, friends, students, fiance...and the list goes on. If I am aware of how present God is to all of us, I won't worry so much about those I cannot help because I will pray for them and trust that He will send another messenger to encourage them along the way. I also will not hesitate to help if the need is great and He makes it clear to me that something must be done.

The Spirit flows where the Spirit wills. Love surrounds us more than we know, and so to say each day, "Hello, Lord, I know You are here in our midst...You always have been and You always will be," is to give Him everything that belongs to Him - our time, our talents, our treasures, our hearts - and let Him direct us in their use. He's right here working with us, praying with us, cooking with us, cleaning with us, sharing in our joys and sorrows...accepting us in this moment just as we are but constantly laboring in our circumstances to bring us closer to heaven.

So I offer to you, dear God, my interactions with the people I love...with the people you send into my life...with the people who are there to help me grow in virtue. I pray that I will see You in them...that You will open up my heart wide enough to let Your love flow into it and through it so that they may experience You through my words, my actions, and my prayers...that You will open my ears in order to listen to Your voice calling out to me, teaching me Your ways in the lessons I learn in our conversations or maybe even in our silent exchanges.

All for You, Lord. Basta ikaw...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Shower meditation

Most "revelations" that I get come as I'm getting ready to start my day. It occurred to me at some point (was it after I was washing my hair? haha) that the entry I wrote in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't sleep contained my "non-negotiables". So my thoughts continued, yes, after I woke up and God gave me the following:

If the characteristics of my "ideal mate" were not present and I ended up with the complete opposite, this is the kind of person he'd be. Imagine this...

  • does not see a need for prayer
  • refuses to believe in anything supernatural
  • impatient
  • judgmental
  • unkind
  • coarse
  • lazy
  • disrespectful
  • does not value the Mass
  • thinks praying the Rosary is a waste of time
  • watches and listens to anything under the sun, no matter how many obscenties are seen or heard
  • thinks kids are a nuisance
  • rude
  • prideful
  • does not practice what he claims to believe when he does choose to believe in something
  • chaotic
  • selfish
  • has no room for God in his life

Then I pictured being that way myself and felt sick to my stomach.

I can marry someone who can't cook but I can't marry someone who has no faith. I can commit to someone who doesn't listen to the same music as me but I can't allow junk to enter into the eyes and ears and thus the hearts of my children. He doesn't have to share all of my interests but he at least has to share my love for God.

I am really grateful, though, that Gary and I do have much in common - more than we thought at first - (and also that he can cook!) but I'm more grateful that he has what I can't let go of.

This is simply a follow-up to a conversation I had with a couple of friends this past weekend when one of them asked about the necessity of common interests between boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. Sure, I really enjoy Broadway shows and overseas trips but there are more important values that really hold a relationship together and build the foundation for a good family.

We also spend so much time looking for that "special someone"...that "perfect soulmate"...that we neglect the work that needs to be done on ourselves to prepare for the moment when that person walks into our lives.

That's why I have to take a good look in the mirror, not just every once in a while but everyday...open to pulling out the logs in my own eyes before I start pointing specks out to other people.

Those are my thoughts for the day. I'm off to see my best friend now. I really miss her. =)

TTFN! +BiL

Night owl

Funny...I try to go to sleep early and then I wake up at 2am and can't get back to sleep...so I picked up my journal and wrote...still not able to fall asleep...so I'm blogging...

I was flipping through the pages of my book and found this list I made back in July. From the conversation I had with Gary a couple of nights ago when I was listing my "criteria" I realized that those were my preferences and there were things on that particular list that I could live without.

This one, however, describes the kind of person that would help get me and my kids (and a whole lot of other people) to Heaven...

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:

  • consistent prayer life
  • faith
  • patience
  • understanding
  • kind
  • compassionate
  • hard-working
  • respectful
  • goes to Mass - also daily, if possible
  • loves to pray the Rosary
  • knows how to filter media
  • good with kids
  • polite
  • responsible
  • disciplined and self-controlled
  • simple
  • humble
  • good teacher
  • peaceful
  • calming
  • helpful
  • in love with God

And I asked myself if I was all of these things since they often say not to set expectations that you yourself cannot meet.

Hmm...Jesus and I are working on it. I definitely still have some growing to do, and I think I always will. We can always do better, and I'm fighting the temptation to be extremely hard on myself. Today, however, I can say that I'd like to learn to not only do better but actually be better. I do pray for that, for the sake of everyone in my life and most especially for God.

"Be alert, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong. Let love be in all." (1Cor 16:13-14)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

All the Way to Heaven

by V*enna

I never thought that I would
Give my life to You
But know I need Your love in
Everything I do

And when my life is over
We can be together

Take me all the way to heaven
I will follow you forever
When all is said and done
You will be the only One
No more loneliness and sorrow
I have found a new tomorrow
And when my time has come
You and I will live as one

You're all I ever needed
I will follow You
And I will never leave you
Now I know the truth

Now I know I need your love
And I know Your love is real
Let me show You how I feel

Take me with You
Show me the way to heaven
I've found the truth
Now I will live forever...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Back to Jesus we go...

Whew, it's Tuesday...I don't think I've ever been this grateful on a Tuesday. I think I just had a difficult Monday.

Strange how I used to want time to go by really fast. Now that I have so much to do, I wish I could stretch my days out just so I could complete all my lessons, visit with my coworkers, catch up with my students, call old friends, and hang out with my family...not to mention getting to daily Mass, staying for adoration, writing in my journal after reading a good book, and talking to Gary, if we're not sitting around doing nothing.

I have a dear friend who had rededicated herself to Jesus this past weekend. Praise God. =) She just inspired me to do the same.

As I was putting together a Powerpoint presentation on the Liturgical calendar, I learned that the color green used in Ordinary Time symbolizes hope and growth. Green is the color of life and abundance. We go through life measuring it by monumental events, but usually in the in-between "ordinary time" we don't think anything worth much is happening.

So like my friend and I discovered in our conversation today, it's important to recognize that something is happening while we don't notice...when we're waiting for something to knock us off our feet.

We're growing.

Like my rose analogy.

Soil, water, sunlight, and regular pruning.

Humility, sacramental graces, Eucharist, and frequent confession.

Most of the time, we feel nothing. Often we only see the thorns, but the bud is blooming.

There was a red rose growing next to Mama Mary at work today.

I noticed it early in the day as a bud. I came back in the afternoon and it had opened up.

How beautiful!

That made me smile. Ah, yes, encountering God in all things... =)

******************************


Fr. Larry said yesterday at Mass that we are happy only to the extent that we fulfill the will of God in our lives.

I heard that after talking to Melanie and Ofelia in the SPC Religious Ed office. Melanie saw my ring and I shared with her more of "our story". Ofelia then said to me that Fr. Larry once told her about the 4 different types of Christians...
  1. The Christian that refuses to carry their cross.
  2. The Christian that carries their cross and either brags about it or complains.
  3. The Christian that carries their cross and also looks for others to help as well.
  4. The Christian that is willing to be nailed to their cross.

From that conversation and my reflection during Mass, I came to the conclusion that I am marrying Christian #4.

Being the kind of Christian that often cannot bear the weight of my own cross, I have a lot to learn.

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (Phil. 3:10-11)

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Metamorphosis

At last...a "do nothing" day. I LOVE IT!

Thanks so much, Em, for going to breakfast with me...it was quite yuuuummmy. =) I had a great time hanging out and catching up! We must do this more often and hit more items on that menu...haha

It's been hard staying in touch with everyone lately, but I realized that I shouldn't let too much time pass...especially with family and close friends.

Going back to Days was a blessing. Familiar faces. The disco. I remembered. Thank you, Kuya Jess.

Good times with the Monks...growing up but still staying young. I love my friends. They're the best...that's why we've lasted this long. Eight years. Wow. Funny how Jenn and Chel both got married in the same year...Summer and I are engaged...Shell and Elle are single. Traveling in pairs. We've got a trip planned in October. Yaaay, just like the old days...I'm excited!!!

Alas, I have been spending most of my time at Verb. Work has kept me very busy during this month of August, but at the same time it's where I've had some of my most life-deepening conversations.

I love it that I'm becoming better friends with my coworkers. The family atmosphere that we longed for is growing. What a wonderful feeling it is to be there on that campus.

I love it that we now have Mass every Friday morning before the school day starts. I've always admired Gary for getting to Mass so early in the morning, thinking I'd never be able to get up early enough, but yes, Jesus, you're so worth it.

I love it that God has carried me through one of the most stressful times of the year and preserved the joy in my heart so I can still smile in the end. Faculty/Staff Orientation, Faculty/Staff Retreat, New Families Mass, Student Orientation w/marathon sessions, Fall Sports Retreat, Mass of the Holy Spirit, and Freshman Religion prep. I was tired, but that's why He's giving me this weekend...just to recoup and remember why I do what I do.

It's good to see our boys again.

So much gratitude...that's what it always comes back to.

Thank you, Lord, for my family, for my coworkers, for my students, and for my friends. Thank you for taking care of us...no matter how You allow us to struggle, You've never left us alone. Thank you for my beautiful fiance who manages to make every moment spent with him a cherished one...for filling his heart with an incredible amount of love...for teaching me through him what humility looks like and what faith should really be.

Changing but somehow staying the same person I've always been.

It doesn't matter so much what people think of me. It's not that I don't care. I just put God's opinion above everyone else's. And the fact of the matter is that God loves me. God loves everyone...He really does. So to think that my life - or the life of another person - does not have value is to undermine the very purpose for which we were made. It's true that sometimes we stray...sometimes we're not as close to Him as we were at other times in our lives, but the reality is that He never leaves us.

What's most important is that we keep coming back...that we keep getting up...that we answer the door when He knocks...that we never forget what His voice sounds like.

Yesterday I decided to stop by St. Irenaeus before going home...didn't know they were having Adoration but was pleasantly surprised to see Jesus on the altar...so I stayed. I tried to pray but I didn't have much to say...just wanted to sit there and look at Him...and I realized that my experience of God has become pretty ordinary...not so many "mystical experiences" anymore...thinking to myself, "So this is what it's like for most people," which isn't so bad.

I glanced at the others in the church also praying, knowing that they had loved ones that they were probably lifting up, situations maybe that they couldn't deal with alone.

Then I looked at my ring, and made it part of my own prayer...asking God to take care of our relationship...thanking Him for sending me someone so patient and understanding. Ever since the night that Gary proposed, it has always felt so natural to wear. It was more than what I would have ever expected, and because he chose it and gave it to me as a symbol of his love - of our past, present, and future - it is now a part of me, as much as my medals are...as much as anything else I've ever worn that has meant something to my life's purpose.

As I was telling Em today, I've always had people around me...people to serve, people to teach, people to love. I'll go from one circle to the next and never get tired of watching them grow, as they also help keep my spirit alive and enthusiastic with the evolution of their lives as well. Kappa Psi Epsilon...Servant's Heart...the Monks...Heart of Worship...Verbum Dei...the SPOC family...Liwanag...Days with the Lord...all amazing parts of the Body of Christ.

Yet now I am being called to give of myself in a different way to this man whose presence has added a dimension to my faith that I could not aquire on my own. It was difficult at first because I was afraid of "losing myself" in the relationship, but I found that together we became even more than who we were apart. Gary cares for me in a way that helps me serve, teach, and love better when God does ask me to return to those circles.

This is why I said "Yes".

He helps me deal with the common human experience...to preach the Gospel every day with joy in the midst of trial...to say the words "It's gonna be okay" and truly believe it.

So I get to see him again today. Even if it's always hard to say goodbye whether he's traveling or just going home, it's nice to know that we're getting a little bit closer to "One day..."

+BiL

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Blessed are the pure in heart...

...for they shall see God.

Preparing for marriage, not just since the engagement but long before I ever met Gary, has taught me much about what this Beatitude really means.

Few people truly understand the meaning of it and even fewer truly live it out in their own lives.

I was not going to let another person into my life and into my heart unless I knew that he valued the dignity that God gave me as a woman. Not only would he respect my purity but he would protect the purity called forth from other women as well.

It's true - I do see the world through different eyes.

And what do I see?

Those times when I am open to His grace, I see what makes God smile...and I also see what makes Him cry.

I have gone through too much to let that part of me go.

As much as I am laughed at when it comes to what I don't watch and what I don't do, there are those friends who know my values - the values of Christ - and find hope and inspiration to also strive for purity of heart.

It's the key to Heaven. I have to remember that.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

No greater reward

As we begin a new school year, I'd just like to offer some words of encouragement to all the teachers out there...

There's nothing better than being a part of a young person's life in such a special way. The influence you have with them is immeasurable. Some of it has to do with what you teach, but most of the impact comes from how you teach it and what love they feel from you as you share your heart with them each day...letting them know that their presence is valued and that their life means something.

Amidst all the lesson plans and faculty meetings, there is a powerful grace flowing within each teacher...a grace even more life-changing than winning the lottery.

It is one of the most challenging and demanding professions there is, but no amount of money can outpay the rewards we receive from the students who are grateful for all that we have taught and given them.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

He's my...fiance!

I think I'm starting to get used to it now...hehe =)

Yes, Gary proposed to me last Monday VERY spontaneously...neither of us was expecting it but it had to happen...God's timing, not ours...

And because God was the one who set this all up in the first place, we need to let Him take the lead. We've found that as long as we keep Him in the center of this relationship, He'll be there to guide us and provide the grace for everything we need.

This has been a lot of fun, to say the least. From the moment Gary emailed me to the first time we met...how it all came together on New Year's Eve '04 to all the special moments that we've also been able to share with the people we love...it's the greatest privilege to live out this miracle.

It really is a miracle.

When people ask how we met, I smile to myself because it's just a snippet of such a beautiful story. Even to talk about the proposal gives only a glimpse into the wonderful experience this all has been. No one will never really know the whole story because there's so much to it, but just by looking at how happy we both are, our family and friends know that this is something good.

I have my faults and weaknesses...so does he...we all do...but I'm learning that in relationships we need to admit that we're not perfect and really work to make it work. It's not hard...just humbling. There are times when I've had to get over myself and my own expectations and ask God to show me how to love Gary the way that he needs to be loved. That's the least I can do after everything he has poured out of his heart just for me...to help me experience God's love as well.

We're so blessed to understand what's important for us and our future together...though we've already figured out that it won't look like the kind of life that most people live.

It all starts with the Cross. Once we were able to accept the crosses in our lives with complete confidence that God would help us with them, an overflowing amount of grace was showered upon us to move forward with this relationship. He was ready far earlier than I was because he had that much faith, but I eventually caught up and progressed through my own healing process.

It's like you said to me yesterday, Angie. My healing is almost complete. And I love him. I really do love him.

Thank you, everybody, for being so excited for us...most especially for your prayers.

What looks scary really isn't so bad once you have the courage to take a chance. A very friendly German Shepherd named Bingo proved that to me during my talk this past weekend...a lesson I'll never forget.

+BiL

Sunday, August 07, 2005

The segment returns

I MET JESUS TODAY...

If I don't blog about anything else, I can at least come back to this. So...

I met Jesus today through Fr. Ed at St. Pius who reminded us that God's voice will speak to us if we just listen carefully. His grace and mercy are always being poured out onto the world, like on the day of his ordination as a deacon and God gave him a beautiful day after a storm. You know, that was probably one of the days that Gary and I were blessed with as well, so like he said, that shining sun wasn't just for him. =)

I also met Jesus today through Jason who thought of "I Met Jesus Today" during Mass and inspired me to include it on my blog again.

Jesus was also present to me through my Kappa sisters who I saw at our All-Chapter Summer Summit - especially Amber, Christine, April, and Selle. It was so wonderful to see them and catch up for a while...to reminisce and appreciate the journey together. I cried for the first time while giving a speech during the Delta Chapter induction. That's how proud of them I was.

And Jesus fed me when I was hungry today through Lyn-Lyn and Mike. It was nice sitting with them for a little while. I like those two a lot...as I should...

Oh, I can't forget about yesterday with Mike and Gary helping Lyn-Lyn and I clean out the garage. Yeah, that definitely takes the love of Jesus...hehe. Thanks, guys. You're the greatest.

So my life is evolving at the moment and I'm sooooo happy. =) I'm glad I'm doing this because it gives me the opportunity to be mindful and appreciative of the little things. Have you ever felt like you were living out a movie or a TV mini-series? That's me every day. What's gonna happen next? God likes to keep me at the edge of my seat, in a good way of course. When I close the night with Him and Gary, I can almost hear the words, "Stay tuned for the next episode..."

As long as we're making other people smile, we'll know that this is something He definitely wants.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

A wholehearted Yes

...not afraid to lose but more than willing to give.

You can't let the hurts of the past and the imagined fears of the future rob you of the joys of today. It's easy to lock yourself in your own prison and shut everyone else out to keep yourself "safe".

But like I heard someone say in the waiting room of the doctor's office:

"That's not living."

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Dialogue and ecumenism

I met a Muslim today and we had a great conversation. He had shuttled me back to airport parking when I flew in from St. Louis and was just asking about my flight, etc. I told him that I spent the whole 3 1/2 hours reading a book about the Jesuit order of priests. He was inquiring about our beliefs as Catholics and I began to tell him about Jesus as our Savior. Then He began to share what he believed about Jesus and told me a very interesting story about Jesus and Mary.

I thought it was beautiful that he held Jesus and Mary in such high regard from the perspective that he had in the context of his religion. I wish you could have seen the depth of respect in his eyes and heard it in his voice. No antagonism whatsoever. He knew his faith and he loved it. He asked about my faith and he respected it.

Granted that there are some similarities in beliefs, the fundamental differences are quite drastic. I still enjoyed the dialogue, however - as did he - because I was just allowing him to share so that I could understand. It was not my opportunity to try to preach the truth to him, but our opportunity to meet on a bridge between Christian and Muslim.

So I tried to give him a tip but he refused. He said he was just grateful for the conversation. This particular encounter inspired me because this man spoke with more love from his heart for God to a stranger than I do to my dearest friends.

Thank you, Lord God, for that "appointment". As brief as it was, I think we both left a little bit better off...

"Man's mercy is for his neighbor but the compassion of the Lord reaches all people." (Sirach 18:13a)

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Dear Daddy

"There You'll Be"
by Faith Hill

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

Ten years ago today you fell asleep and woke up in the arms of Jesus. Thank you for living a life worth following - a life of hope and faith...of perseverance and love. You'll always be my hero.

love,
b.anne

Thursday, July 21, 2005

By the way, Lord...

I wanted to thank You for welcoming me to St. Anastasia yesterday, as well. No one else was there for most of the time except for me and You, but I really appreciate the "at-home-ness" that I always feel whenever I walk into a church and sit in front of the tabernacle.

If only everywhere we went gave us that much peace...

I've run into many a wall lately when visiting with friends and family. I think I probably have mine up, too. Hesistancy is easy to spot when you know it so well within yourself. Whatever the reason (for I am as clueless as the next person), I just want everything to be okay.

We know not how to pray, and so we turn our spirits over to His Spirit who prays within us for what we cannot comprehend.

Inspired by Jaymee's Healing talk, I pray:

Dear Lord,

Please heal in us whatever is broken and wounded. Heal our relationships with each other, with ourselves, with You. Send your refining fire and consume us with the power and grace poured forth from Heaven...from Your Sacred Heart through the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Life was never meant to be this painful, so I know You desire to lift us into Your arms and enfold us with Your comfort to make us one again in You.

Amen.

AMDG+JMJ

It's hot

Dear God,

Can you please turn up the AC a little?

Love,
me

******************************


I'm taking a brief paper-grading break. Tomorrow is our last day of the Freshman Summer Progam. I must say that I had a great time teaching these kids. They're really nice boys. We even have one going into the 11th grade who brings his harmonica, banjo, and guitar to school and just plays in the quad. His name's Ronnie and he was in my 4th period class. He's from Louisiana so he has that sweet Southern accent, not to mention a heart of gold.

I don't think I ever want to leave the classroom completely. It's the most fulfilling experience to teach...to get the kids to come up with their own questions and to seek answers by stretching their brains a little. There's nothing else like it. Definitely not a lonely job, I'll tell you that much. And when you can be there for them in their successes and challenges, praying with them and supporting them, you feel like you've just been given the greatest gift of all - a love that goes beyond just knowledge but rather binds you together through relationship.

This is the real world...what life is all about. We're establishing our careers and trying to put to practical use all the lessons we learned in college. Yesterday we took some of the guys on an LA Walking Tour to show them the buildings they'll be working at. I looked up at the US Bank building and said to one of the students, "My cousin works up there." My youngest sister and my best friend are both married...Leilani will be 5 next month...decisions are being made and futures are being built. I'm looking into the next few years of my own life wondering where God's going to take me next.

Pretty exciting.

I'm here because of not only the choices I have made in life but also because God had a lot to do with bringing me to this point. I worked for my degree and accumulated experience, but He gave me my job and every opportunity that led up to it. I held my standards high, but He brought my boyfriend to me and gave me the grace to say yes to this relationship. I tried to learn as much as I could about my faith, but He was the one who kept me faithful to Him.

So whatever is coming up for later on, God has it all in His hands. I'm happy where I am, but He's not going to keep me here. Someday I may move on to another job...Gary and I may take that next step...and eventually when it's all over, He'll carry me into Heaven.

Always changing...always moving...but with always the same Love surrounding me and filling my heart with joy.

In the long run, however, this isn't all just for me. He takes me where He wants me to go because there are others who He'd like me to bring along the journey as well. Just gotta keep walking and they'll happen to be going in the same direction looking for some companionship.

Yes, it is pretty exciting.

"Let each of us bring joy to our neighbors helping them for the good purpose, for building up. May God, the source of all perseverance and comfort give to all of you who live in peace Christ Jesus, that you may be able to praise in one voice God, Father of Christ Jesus, our Lord." (Romans 15:2, 5-6)

Monday, July 18, 2005

Children of the Light

Mass. Confession. Can't do without it. Why was I even trying to give Him less than what I know I can offer Him?

It was great to be back at SPC. Sorting through...questioning...sometimes even doubting my own relationship with Him...but it's all part of the process. The faith journey is never a perfectly paved road. I was never going to leave Him. I just needed to know how He wants me to live out everything I've learned. Not just the laws but the love as well.

I need to stay grounded because the pull of the world is strong. Yet it's the people in the world that I have been given to grow with and learn from. No, it isn't always me ministering to them. I need them just as much. Who am I to believe that I have all the answers in life?

We are a pilgrim people and and we're all traveling together.

Though there are some that I just cannot reach from where I am. So I PRAY. I pray with all my might that God's hand always be upon them. That the worst my imagination can conjure up will never come to fruition. There are souls who are seeking God...souls who have completely walked away from Him...souls who are racked with more pain than I could ever handle in a lifetime. I pray because people prayed for me and continue to do so. That's what "church" is all about. When one part of the body is missing, the whole suffers. We cannot function as we were meant to be.

I can't give up because there were those blessed few who never gave up on me.

God forbid that I should throw my hands in the air and just say that there's absolutely nothing I can do. There is much work to be done and much good that is possible when you believe.

Dear Lord, I ask You...no, I BEG You for the virtue of faith. Please fill my heart with hope for the world, for my brothers and sisters, for my own ailing soul that desires only to please You. As each day passes, we draw closer to the end...to Your coming than where we were yesterday. Today is all we have because tomorrow is never guaranteed. Please, dear Jesus, may we experience Your abounding mercy before it's too late.

I have since lost that sense of urgency. I have not kept Heaven as closely in sight as I should have been. In seeking to be comfortable, I have become complacent. This world...it's not my home. Neither is it yours...

Where am I storing my treasures?

"You know what hour it is. This is the time to awake, for our salvation is now nearer than when we first believed; the night is almost over and the day is at hand. Let us discard, therefore, everything that belongs to darkness, and let us put on the armor of light. As we live in full light of day, let us behave with decency; no banquets with drunkenness, no prostitution or vices, no fighting or jealousy. Put on, rather, the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not be led by the will of the flesh nor follow its desires." (Rom 13:11-14)

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Attitude adjustment

"The thoughts we choose to think are the tools we use to paint the canvas of our lives."
- Louise Hay

It's so interesting to see how people view life's circumstances so differently. The course of one's life can either take a positive turn or a negative one depending on how they choose to think. Which canvas does your life look like?











Tuesday, July 12, 2005

A Vision for Catholic Schools

In response to Jason's question: "Why would kids who are non-Catholic go to a Catholic school?"...

Taken from the LA Archdiocese website: (the BIG picture of what a Catholic school should be)

An Advantage for Life
Jesus Christ is the foundation for our community, the Catholic Schools in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles. His call to teach is our inspiration; His image the model for our students. In partnership with parents, we prepare our students to become full and active members of the Catholic Church, to serve others, and to make a difference in the world. We commit our schools to provide a quality education so that a Catholic Education is an Advantage for Life.

  • BUILD A COMMUNITY OF FAITH - We exist to enrich the Catholic community, and invite everyone to become active disciples of Jesus Christ.
  • UNDERSTAND THEIR GIFTS - We encourage all students towards excellence, but most importantly to use their gifts and talents in service to others.
  • INTEGRATE THE TEACHINGS OF THE CHURCH - We provide a unique opportunity for students to experience the gospel of Jesus Christ, and to bring Catholic beliefs and values into their lives and the world.
  • PROMOTE PARISH LIFE - We actively work to enhance the lives of Catholic parish communities.
  • FOSTER RESPECT - We teach respect for self and others, qualities that develop into discipline and good behavior.
  • LEAD BY EXAMPLE - We are spiritually committed and professionally prepared so that we can lead by example, and also show our special concern for each student.
  • APPRECIATE PARENTS - We recognize parents as the primary educators of the students in our care; we encourage their active role in our schools and parishes, and we appreciate their support.
  • SHARE GOVERNANCE - We seek community participation from those who share our vision, mission and goals.
  • OFFER OUR SCHOOLS - While we exist first for the Catholic community, we open our schools to all children who can benefit and to the extent that resources allow.
  • EXPRESS CONCERN FOR OTHERS - We have a special concern for the poor and disenfranchised.
  • INVEST WITH CARE - We use our resources wisely to ensure quality, and to be affordable to parents and our Church.
  • SEEK FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTION - We continue to challenge the Catholic community and others to provide the resources that allow us to continue our work.

©2004 The Roman Catholic Archbishop of Los Angeles.

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So our non-Catholic families are seeking to provide the best private school opportunity to their kids that they can afford. Here in Watts, the high school dropout rate is about 70%. That means if we had a freshman class of 100, only 30 of them would graduate with a diploma. Many may end up either on the street or struggling through life, earning close to minimum wage for much of their lives. However, because we are who we are with the education, programs and services the school offers, almost all of our graduates are accepted into college and leave Verbum Dei with a corporate resume.

The population of our community is about half Black and half Latino. Some go to church on Sundays, very few attend Mass. But they're here because they need to be. For some of them, it's about survival. Our identity clearly comes from our service to the underserved, and so we accept those who are open to learning about the Catholic faith and are willing to participate in Catholic spiritual formation.

There are definite benefits to a Catholic education and I can understand why people of various faith backgrounds would be attracted to it. I have yet to encounter students who are belligerently opposed to our Catholic beliefs and practices, but honestly because of our very thorough screening process I don't think that will be much of a problem. Everyone is pretty respectful of each other's differences on campus and for me, it's my greatest joy when I have a non-Catholic student ask me to explain why Mass is so important...how one becomes a saint...what purgatory is...not because he's trying to argue but because he REALLY wants to know. What makes me even happier is seeing him think about it, nod to himself and say, "Oh, okay, that makes sense."

I think this is a challenge to us - as it is to all Catholic schools around the world - to preserve the riches found in our religious tradition not only in our parishes but in our schools as well. It is easy to find deficits in the Catholic school system, especially in Religious Education, where many of the graduates don't know what being Catholic really means. As a Catholic educator myself, I ask myself what kind of an education I would want to give my own children someday. Would I send them to a Catholic school? And if I choose to homeschool, would I walk away from the system altogether? Would I ever think about returning to it professionally when my kids are older?

I struggle with my own questions, coming from a very "conservative" parish and working in a somewhat "liberal" environment. I've met people from both extremes and have decided for myself that I want to be able to cross the bridge somehow...to help them remember that Jesus is the one who holds us all together, that there is such thing as an absolute Truth but that it needs to be shared in love. So I love the fact that I'm learning a lot about the different viewpoints in among Catholics. Do I agree with all of them? No...to do so would be impossible since many of them are conflicting. I still follow what is taught from the Vatican and will do so for the rest of my life. What I seek, however, is to try to understand others...to reach out to them as people...because I have learned that you can preach and defend as much as you want but if that heart isn't open to receiving the message, then you've just spit a lot of wasted words into the air.

I realize that this entry may not be completely addressing the question. Just had a lot on my mind lately, so you're getting some of that right now. But I'm glad you asked what you did, Jason, because it's helping me appreciate what's happening here and what kind of potential for dialogue and faith sharing we can have at our school.

Catholics are to be "leaven in the world". That's what my professor said yesterday. Immersed in the world but affecting it instead of being affected by it. Non-Catholic Christians are expected to be no different. If Catholic schools provide the environment that fosters that kind of growth where both groups are working side by side, then I think we're making strides in the breakdown of age-old prejudices that have separated us as brothers and sisters in Christ.

There is yet much to be said (and still learned) about this subject. You may have your own thoughts on it as well. Feel free to share, by all means...

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PERSONAL NOTES...

Taken from the New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia (on EDUCATION)

The Catholic position may be outlined as follows:

  • Intellectual education must not be separated from moral and religious education. To impart knowledge or to develop mental efficiency without building up moral character is not only contrary to psychological law, which requires that all the faculties should be trained but is also fatal both to the individual and to society. No amount of intellectual attainment or culture can serve as a substitute for virtue; on the contrary, the more thorough intellectual education becomes, the greater is the need for sound moral training.
  • Religion should be an essential part of education; it should form not merely an adjunct to instruction in other subjects, but the centre about which these are grouped and the spirit by which they are permeated. the study of nature without any reference to God, or of human ideal with no mention of Jesus Christ, or of human legislation without Divine law is at best a one-sided education. The fact that religious truth finds no place in the curriculum is, of itself, and apart from any open negation of that truth, sufficient to warp the pupil's mind in such a way and to such an extent that he will feel little concern in his school-days or later for religion in any form; and this result is the more likely to ensue when the curriculum is made to include everything that is worth knowing except the one subject which is of chief importance.
  • Sound moral instruction is impossible apart from religious education. The child may be drilled in certain desirable habits, such as neatness, courtesy, and punctuality; he may be imbued with a spirit of honour, industry, and truthfulness -- and none of this should be neglected; but if these duties towards self and neighbour are sacred, the duty towards God is immeasurably, more sacred. When it is faithfully performed, it includes and raises to a higher plane the discharge of every other obligation. Training in religion, moreover, furnishes the best motives for conduct and the noblest ideals for imitation, while it sets before the mind an adequate sanction in the holiness and justice of God. Religious education, it should be noted, is more than instruction in the dogmas of faith or the precepts of the Divine law; it is essentially a practical training in the exercises of religion, such as prayer, attendance at Divine worship, and reception of the sacraments. By these means conscience is purified, the will to do right is strengthened, and the mind is fortified to resist those temptations which, especially in the period of adolescence, threaten the gravest danger to the moral life.
  • An education which unites the intellectual, moral and religious elements is the best safeguard for the home, since it places on a secure basis the various relations which the family implies. It also ensures the performance of social duties by inculcating a spirit of self-sacrifice, of obedience to law, and of Chrisitian love for the fellow-man. The most effectual preparation for the citizenship is that schooling in virtue which habituates a man to decide, to act, to oppose a movement or to further it, not with a view to personal gain nor simply in deference to public opinion, but in accordance with the standards of right that are fixed by the law of God. The welfare of the State, therefore demands that the child be trained in the practice of virtue and religion no less than in the pursuit of knowledge.
  • Far from lessening the need of moral and religious training, the advance in educational methods rather emphasizes that need. Many of the so-called improvements in teaching are of passsing importance, and some are at variance with the laws of the mind. Upon their relative worth the Church does not pronounce, nor does she commit herself to any particular method provided the essentials of Christian education are secured, the Church welcomes whatever the sciences may contribute toward rendering the work of the school more efficient.
  • Catholic parents are bound in conscience to provide for the education of their children, either at home or in schools of the right sort. As the bodily life of the child must be cared for, so, for still graver reasons, must the mental and moral faculties be developed. Parents, therefore, cannot take an attitude of indifference toward this essential duty nor transfer it wholly to others. They are responsible for those earliest impressions which the child receives passively, before he exercises any conscious selective imitation; and as the intellectual powers develop, the parents example is the lesson that sinks most deeply into the child's mind. They are also obliged to instruct the child according to his capacity, in the truths of religion and in the practice of religious duties, thus co-operating with the work of the Church and the school. The virtues, especially of obedience, self-control, and purity, can nowhere be inculcated so thoroughly as in the home; and without such moral education by the parents, the task of forming upright men and women and worthy citizens is difficult, and if not impossible.

Monday, July 11, 2005

"I promise to be true..."

Happy belated anniversary, Em & Rob... =) You have much to be grateful for and many more blessings awaiting you in the years to come. May God continue to guide you and care for you so that your love will be a witness to those who have lost hope...to those who no longer believe in a lifetime of commitment and fidelity. In celebration of your first year together, I drew a picture of you. Just kidding...haha...I just happened to find this and it reminded me of you...



Love you guys. Have fun at the Alamo!

A different kind of wealth

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way."

Life's Work

Wake up. Get ready. Go to work.

About 60 students pass through my classroom everyday. As one of their teachers, I only have 50 minutes at a time to help them develop skills that will hopefully be of some use to them later on in life. The objective of my day is to leave them wanting to learn more, feeling inspired, knowing that they walked out with a little bit more than they walked in with.

Sure I can be better at what I do. I need to be corrected and given constructive criticism. There will be days when this threatens to discourage me, but that's when I have to be humble enough to know that there's a lot of growing and learning that I still need to do. Being teachable keeps you bouyant in this world. If you think you're perfect, you're in for a big disappointment.

Today came and went. It's the middle of the day right now and I'm quite tired. Not exhausted. Just somewhat drained. But I meant it when I told my 4th period class that they make me want to go back to teaching. No, I'm definitely not the best there is. This, however, is a challenge that I'd like to take on again someday, possibly at the elementary level again. It would take a lot of self-management on my part, but it would be nice to have a class of my own like I did before and play such a big part in their lives at such an impressionable age.

We'll see what God has in store.

For now, I'm happy with my place here at Verb. It has its own benefits and challenges, and I share the joys and sorrows with everyone else on campus. One of my students asked me what Mass was because he's never been exposed to one. So here I have the greatest privilege to practice true ecumenism - to share the beauty of the Catholic faith with those who grew up in other churches and build bridges instead of walls between different types of Christians.

There are more good days than bad.

When I think about what I want to spend my life doing, no one particular occupation comes to mind. I simpy have the following list that guides the direction I take:

  • love God
  • serve others
  • help people get to heaven

That's it. So the opportunities presented to me have allowed me to do exactly that. This is why I shouldn't take my job for granted. Other people would give anything to be here...not because it pays a whole lot, but because it's great work. Stressful at times, yes, that's for sure. But if I never got the chance at this, I'd probably be wishing that I had.

Lord, please help me be excited instead of scared about this upcoming school year. We've got a lot of great students joining us in the fall, and I just pray that You'll guide me and show me how to make their encounter with You here at Verbum Dei an experience that will stay with them for the rest of their lives.

"Whatever your life's work is, do it well. A man should do his job so well that the living, the dead, and the unborn could do it no better. If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, like Shakespeare wrote poetry, like Beethoven composed music; sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will have to pause and say, "Here lived a great street sweeper, who swept his job well."

Dec. 3, 1956-Montgomery, Alabama, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Friday, July 08, 2005

FIAT

Do you remember the first time you gave your "yes" to God? Your wholehearted fiat that said you fell in love with Him so deeply that you were willing to leave the world behind and follow Him at any cost? It took blind faith...the moment when you made that commitment not realizing the amount of sacrifice you would choose to accept that came with your humble and obedient reply. The only requirement was complete trust in the Lord. It might have been easy at first because it seemed you, too, were filled with grace...maybe not the same way Mary was...but enough that it surpassed the fear and doubt that threatened to hold you back.

It started becoming difficult when you realized that you now had to make a daily choice...when the pull of the world seemed to entice you again as life before you met Christ seemed easier and less burdensome. You told Him some time ago that you would not take back your "yes". Have you? Because of your woundedness, have you taken a step back from your Love and said it was too much to ask? Your shoulders were not made to carry that much weight, you thought to yourself, so you began to walk away.

But look at her. Look into her eyes...into her heart. When she was faced with that daily choice, what did she answer her Lord? Did she complain that it was too hard? Did she regret the response she gave to the angel Gabriel at the Annuciation? Did she ever say to herself, "If only I had said no..."?

Did she allow sadness to overwhelm her heart and cause her to compare her life to what appeared more attractive in the lives of those around her?

Poverty. Chastity. Obedience. Those vows do not only belong to the religious. They are to be incorporated into our lives as well. Our Blessed Mother was married to St. Joseph. They ran their own household and raised in it a Child of their own. And yet they still depended on God for all their temporal needs. They treated each other with the highest dignity deserving of a human being made in the image and likeness of God. There was no will in their hearts above that of the Father. These vows were never formally made but they were very actively practiced.

And you, little one...what about you? What happened to your "yes"? to your fruits? to your trust?

Lord, I give you my heart
I give you my soul
I live for you alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have your way in me.

"I beg you, dearly beloved, by the mercy of God, to give yourselves as a living and holy sacrifice pleasing to God: such is the worship of a rational being. Don't let yourselves be shaped by the world where you live, but rather be transformed by the renewal of your mind. You must discern the will of God: what is good, what pleases, what is perfect." (Rom 12:1-2)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Order out of chaos

Cluttered. My mind, my room, my life...I've been trying to clean it all up, but I get so tired very easily these days. That's why I fall asleep if given the opportunity (sorry, Em...haha...it's true). I can't handle as much as I used to, so I've been MIA for a while now. Just figuring out what to keep and what to let go of - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Ever since I got sick, I've had to slow down, and honestly it's been a real drag. That's my pride talking because I've had a hard time accepting that I can't run around like I'm Superwoman anymore (that's the nickname the Kappas gave me when I was on their cabinet and PAC cabinet). But like Mommy always tells me, part of learning humility is knowing your limits and sticking to them.

I remember the days when I used to hang out all day and all night with my friends...talk until the break of dawn and watch the sunrise over the ocean...party 3-4 nights a week (which I do not recommend for anyone)...work two jobs as a full-time college student with meetings to run, events to go to and PCN practices to coordinate. Do I wish my life could go back to that? Nope...not hardly. I'm getting used to living the life of a turtle. =) Besides, turtles live longer than hares (which are rabbits, in case you didn't know).

So nowadays I get up at 5am and I'm at work by 6:30 or 7...teach my four classes of Reading in the Freshman Summer Program at Verb...go home and sleep for a few hours...and work on random things here and there, possibly fitting in a friend hangout every once in a while if Gary's not in town. Then it's journaling to keep conversation going between me and God, and to end the night I call Mr. Dyogi to catch up and pray before going to sleep. That's it. Not very exciting to most people, but I must say that it's quite peaceful. I do need to get back to going to Mass again during the week. I just get really tired in the afternoon that once I'm home, it's hard to get me out again.

It's nice when I can fit in a prayer meeting at least once a week. I still have yet to join my sisters again for HoW, but the SH prayer meetings that I've gone to lately have been very helpful, not to mention incredibly inspiring.

I do apologize to all of you who I haven't seen in a while. Spontaneous headaches or the sudden onset of extreme fatigue sometimes keep me from being faithful to my social commitments. Just so you know, I'm not being flakey on purpose. I really miss you!

Once I get this whole "BALANCE" business under my belt, hopefully I'll be around more. Until then, please keep me in your prayers and I will definitely keep you in mine, yeah? =)

Praise God in all things...AMEN!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Healing isn't complete until you get to Heaven...

Awesome, awesome, AWESOME talk by Jaymee last night at prayer meeting. I learned so much and was reminded of a lot of things that my mind couldn't contain it all...so hopefully I can get her notes. =)

We took half the freshman class to MOCA today. Very interesting what "art" can be. Actually it inspired the creative side of me and now I want to go museum hopping just because I learned a little bit more about how to look at artwork. Usually I'll just walk by and say..."Hmmm, that's umm, nice." But I'll never talk the time to allow the artwork to speak to me. So, yeah, it's good to think outside the box!

I must also say that I'm really happy. Why? I just am. Gary and I have had some really great talks lately and I deeply appreciate the way we've been able to communicate. I guess we've come to the point in our lives where we understand that there's a lot at stake here...that being in a relationship is a huge risk that we both decided to take (as it is for most people)...and when you have something you never expected to have, it becomes extra-special. So because this is extra-special to me, I'm extra-happy! =)

My heart is more comfortable giving more than I was. At first it was mostly him...it just had to be because I needed to be sure he wanted this. On Valentine's Day this year he made a KAI cd for me and one of the songs describes the kind of giving he's been pouring into "us":

A MILLION MORE

What can I do, how can I prove
That I'm serious about this love
What should I say in this different way
To make you realize I won't leave your side Lady
Over and over I'm holding you close
And I'm telling you I'll never let go

If a million days are never enough to know you
And a million words won't let you be sure
In a million ways I've given my love, I'll show you
I'll open another door and find a million more

For half of your tears you don't know I hear
All of the nights you've cried, or you're left behind
I'll take the pain, wash it away
If you just put your trust in the two of us

Whatever went wrong it's not gonna hurt you anymore
I'll keep holding on, I believe in this love so until you're sure

Listen to me, whatever I gotta do to prove my love,
And when my words don't let you be sure
I'll open your heart and open another door
To a million more


He was "chosen by grace" (Rom 11:5-6).

Tuesday, July 05, 2005



Which book of the Bible are you?
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