The Heart of a Woman

My husband gave me a compliment this morning. It was after he asked me for answers to his Family Feud game. "What do people who chew gum do that is obnoxious?"

"Crack their gum. Blow bubbles. Stick it underneath tables," I said as I was getting ready for work.

"Hey, those are good answers," Gary replied. "You're so smart."

"That's why I'm a teacher."

"Babe, you're pretty AND smart!" As I turn to look at him, he has this silly grin on his face beaming with all sincerity.

All I do is stare at Gary blank-faced and turn back to the mirror. I didn't know how to respond to him because I only believed half of it. So I gave him a very cynical "Thanks."

A few minutes later, he comes into the bedroom and to tell me, "You really are pretty, Babe. I wasn't just saying that."

He felt the need to try to convince me. Now, you're probably wondering if this was the first time Gary has told me I was pretty. No, it wasn't. And my 7th & 8th grade girls are very generous with their compliments when they notice my hair is different or I'm wearing something they really like. I have heard it many times before, but for some reason today I took it differently, as if he was the only person in the world who ever associated that word with me.

And that became my morning meditation on my way to work. I realized that the reason why I couldn't accept such nice words from my husband is because no one ever told me I was pretty when I was younger. The fact of the matter was that growing up, I really wasn't pretty. I knew I was smart, though, because people told me that all the time. My parents, my grandparents, my teachers, and my friends. 

But deep down inside, I just wanted to be pretty.

I'm not trying to sound superficial. Please trust me when I say that I still believe virtue is worth more than a fancy hairdo and an expensive wardrobe. What I want to share with you is that it dawned on me during my drive to work that I still have insecurities. They are rooted in my childhood and have grown into my identity as a woman. 

Do I want people to think I'm pretty now? I honestly don't know. Do I care enough to try to mold my physical appearance into the standard that the secular media often portrays? Definitely not. But I do know that I want to be cherished. I want to be adored and loved because that's what every woman's heart desires.

My husband is trying to show me how much he cherishes me. I know he adores and loves me. The feeling, of course, is mutual. I think the lesson that I learned today is that God wanted to heal something in my heart that was broken a long time ago. And it's not God's fault for not making me pretty enough. I don't need to forgive people for not giving me enough compliments. I need to accept that my true worth is found in my Maker, and He works so hard to love me through the man he gave to me who really does see me with the eyes of Jesus.

I am no longer defined by the labels I have been given or even the thoughts that run through my head when I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I am BELOVED and I have a purpose in this world. That purpose is far more important than the way I look or what others think of me. And it is my responsibility to share that same message with young women today who are tossed about in the current of pop culture. I have two little girls of my own who I need to raise...whose SECURITY is found rooted in the Word of God, and whose beauty is adorned by the grace and merits of the Holy Spirit.

Such is the heart of this woman...

NOTE: This epiphany hit hard after last night's performance at "Women's Night Out". The songs performed by Moriah Peters and BarlowGirl were all about the importance of inner beauty and finding our value in God. Check out their music on iTunes and YouTube if you need some encouragement. You won't be disappointed! :)

Bearing trials in peace

Letter from St. Therese to sister Celine
March 12, 1899

"The figure of this world passeth away"[7]--soon we shall see new skies--a more radiant sun will light with its splendour crystal seas and infinite horizons. We shall no longer be prisoners in a land of exile, all will have passed away, and with our Heavenly Spouse we shall sail upon boundless seas. Now, "our harps are hanging on the willows which grow by the rivers of Babylon,"[8] but in the day of our deliverance what harmonies will they not give forth, how joyfully shall we make all their strings vibrate! Now, "we shed tears as we remember Sion, for how can we sing the songs of the Lord in a land of exile?"[9] The burden of our song is suffering. Jesus offers us a chalice of great bitterness. Let us not withdraw our lips from it, but suffer in peace. He who says "peace" does not say "joy," or at least sensible joy: to suffer in peace it is enough to will heartily all that Our Lord wills. Do not think we can find love without suffering, for our nature remains and must be taken into account; but it puts great treasures within our reach. Suffering is indeed our very livelihood, and is so precious that Jesus came down upon earth on purpose to possess it. We should like to suffer generously and nobly; we should like never to fall. What an illusion! What does it matter to me if I fall at every moment! In that way I realise my weakness, and I gain thereby. My God, Thou seest how little I am good for, when Thou dost carry me in Thy Arms; and if Thou leavest me alone, well, it is because it pleases Thee to see me lie on the ground. Then why should I be troubled?

If you are willing to bear in peace the trial of not being pleased with yourself, you will be offering the Divine Master a home in your heart. It is true that you will suffer, because you will be like a stranger to your own house; but do not be afraid--the poorer you are, the more Jesus will love you. I know that He is better pleased to see you stumbling in the night upon a stony road, than walking in the full light of day upon a path carpeted with flowers, because these flowers might hinder your advance."

I write to breathe

It's been a long time...for a lot of things. To say the least, this has been a pretty crazy school year. Not just because things have actually been hectic at work, but because a slew of other unexpected events have sprinkled our lives with more difficult days than we could manage.

I've meant to pick up my journal...or blog...to get some of my thoughts out. There just hasn't been the time to do it. Two weeks ago, I got one sentence out in my journal. One sentence.

When I don't write, I feel like I'm suffocating. And since I have a spare moment before this next week of graduation hits, I have to try - even for a little while - to let myself breathe.

So I will say that I've been frustrated. But it's been easier to turn to God a lot sooner than I usually do. I've wanted to take control of my own situation. But I've been learning that there are things I simply cannot dictate. I've been tempted to default to auto-pilot because I've been so tired. But He always calls me back to prayer so I can listen to the ways He wants to direct me.

After doing my "formal" prayers to and from work, I've been listening to the letters and meditations of Venerable Mother Luisita. She's the foundress of the Carmelite Sisters of the Sacred Heart - the same community that I was going to join some years ago. She's also a candidate for sainthood. I'll play the CD over and over and over again because my heart and my mind need to be fed with messages of faith and trust and surrender. As the world around me falls apart bit by bit, I come back to her words and am reminded that though things are bad, life can be much worse. And even amidst the trials, God is here - caring for us in every moment and every circumstance.

I'm thankful to God for sustaining me and my family in these days...for keeping us afloat...and for always drawing us closer to His heart. And I'm also grateful that He is teaching us many lessons about ourselves...about our relationships with each other and those around us. We're discovering how He is calling us to serve "in the mission fields" He has placed us in...and we're becoming more aware of His purpose for our lives.

If nothing else, we're learning about LOVE: what it is, how to show it, when it is present. This is now directing our life paths and keeping us faithful to His work. I shared this quote with Abie today:

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.

He nodded and said, "Yup. That's it."

The huge "something" that I felt coming on last August...it's happening. I just had to stop long enough to pay attention to it again.

"Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful, and enkindle in us the fire of Your divine love..."

+AMDG+

Resignation

"You should resign yourself perfectly into the hands of God. When you have done your best in carrying out your design He will be pleased to accept everything you do, even though it be something less good. You cannot please God better than by sacrificing to Him your will, and remaining in tranquility, humility and devotion, entirely reconciled and submissive to His divine will and good pleasure. You will be able to recognize these plainly enough when you find that notwithstanding all your efforts it is impossible for you to gratify your wishes.

For God in His infinite goodness sometimes sees fit to test our courage and love by depriving us of the things which it seems to us would be advantageous to our souls; and if He finds us very earnest in our pursuit, yet humble, tranquil and resigned to do without them if He wishes us to, He will give us more blessings than we should have had in the possession of what we craved. God loves those who at all times and in all circumstances can say to Him simply and heartily: THY WILL BE DONE."

- St. Francis de Sales

Lessons

Things are not exactly as I would have them to be, but God always knows best. He's trying to teach me lessons I should have learned a long time ago. In His great mercy, He is allowing me to discover the great value of experiences I could never really understand before.

I was talking to one of my friends about teenagers not truly understanding the sacrifices that other people make for them every day. As a teacher, that sometimes frustrates me, but I've been asking God for the strength to persevere anyway. In the middle of praying my morning rosary, I realized that I was the exact same way when I was their age.

It was all about me and my friends and my life and what I wanted. I took for granted that my parents worked so hard for us, just so we could get a good education and a roof over our heads. When my mom wasn't home, I assumed that work was more important to her than we were. When my dad died, I didn't know how difficult it was for her to try and play both mom and dad...to try and discipline us because he wasn't there to do it anymore. I didn't get it.......for a long time.

Not until I fell into her role.

Maybe I don't face the exact same circumstances that she faced, but I am feeling a lot of what she did. I now work long hours and hold more than one job...spending a few hours a day on the freeway to get there...coming home tired and worn from the demands of teaching. I am also having to "lay down the hammer" at school because the dynamics have shifted since our team has changed this last year.

Last week I wasn't feeling it anymore. Yesterday, I was still having a hard time. But God is always so good at coming through for me and letting me know that this has to happen for my own good...even if it doesn't feel so great. I need to REALLY, TRULY appreciate my mother for all the different ways she has loved us. I always said that I wanted her faith, and I wanted my prayers to be as strong as hers. But the only way that I can be like her is to be molded in much of the same way she was.

My mom knows how to persevere. She knows how to suffer well. She's gone through so much in her life, and she's never given up hope.

So I decided this morning to finally place all my desires, frustrations, and plans into the hands of God.....because I sure wasn't getting anywhere with them all by myself.

And that's when this song came on:

Safe
By Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free


I don't doubt God, but I sure don't let Him handle my life the way I need him to. And when I let Him be who He is, things start to fall into place. Today was actually a great day, and most of it came from the decision I made to be different. I suppose that's the fruit of my long commute. If I only had 15 minutes to get to work, maybe I wouldn't have the time to listen to Him like this.

So, dear Lord, thank you for answering my cry out to you. Thank you for not leaving me alone. Amen.

+AMDG+

The Fruit of the Mass

We need never fear that the Mass hinders us in the fulfillment of our temporal affairs; it is altogether the other way around. We may be sure that all will go better and that even our business will succeed better than if we have the misfortune not to assist at Mass.

– St. John Vianney

Our response to grace

"I have wandered onto the subject of silence. But this is not what I wanted to speak about, but rather about the soul's life with God and about its response to grace. When a soul has been cleansed, and the Lord is on intimate terms with it, it begins to apply all its inner force in striving after God. Yet the soul cannot do anything itself. God alone arranges everything. The soul knows this and is mindful of it. It is still in exile and understands will that there may yet come cloudy and rainy days, but it must now look upon things differently from what it had up to now. It does not seek reassurance in a false peace, but makes ready for battle. It knows it comes from a warrior race. It is now much more aware of everything. It knows that it is of royal stock. It is concerned with all that is great and holy."

- From the Diary of St. Faustina (#120)

Wisdom

"I don't know what I'm doing, but I know what I love." - Albert Soratorio

What a wonderful conversation we had about pain...and love...and healing. For the first time in 31 years, we could say that we shared with each other. We've talked before, but not like this.

And I learned a very important lesson: Do not judge the weight of another person's cross. Do what you can to help them carry it.

I really, really love my brother.

+AMDG+