Counting My Blessings

Bearing trials in peace

2010-09-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

Letter from St. Therese to sister Celine
March 12, 1899

"The figure of this world passeth away"[7]--soon we shall see new skies--a more radiant sun will light with its splendour crystal seas and infinite horizons. We shall no longer be prisoners in a land of exile, all will have passed away, and with our Heavenly Spouse we shall sail upon boundless seas. Now, "our harps are hanging on the willows which grow by the rivers of Babylon,"[8] but in the day of our deliverance what harmonies will they not give forth, how joyfully shall we make all their strings vibrate! Now, "we shed tears as we remember Sion, for how can we sing the songs of the Lord in a land of exile?"[9] The burden of our song is suffering. Jesus offers us a chalice of great bitterness. Let us not withdraw our lips from it, but suffer in peace. He who says "peace" does not say "joy," or at least sensible joy: to suffer in peace it is enough to will heartily all that Our Lord wills. Do not think we can find love without suffering, for our nature remains and must be taken into account; but it puts great treasures within our reach. Suffering is indeed our very livelihood, and is so precious that Jesus came down upon earth on purpose to possess it. We should like to suffer generously and nobly; we should like never to fall. What an illusion! What does it matter to me if I fall at every moment! In that way I realise my weakness, and I gain thereby. My God, Thou seest how little I am good for, when Thou dost carry me in Thy Arms; and if Thou leavest me alone, well, it is because it pleases Thee to see me lie on the ground. Then why should I be troubled?

If you are willing to bear in peace the trial of not being pleased with yourself, you will be offering the Divine Master a home in your heart. It is true that you will suffer, because you will be like a stranger to your own house; but do not be afraid--the poorer you are, the more Jesus will love you. I know that He is better pleased to see you stumbling in the night upon a stony road, than walking in the full light of day upon a path carpeted with flowers, because these flowers might hinder your advance."

I write to breathe

2010-05-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time...for a lot of things. To say the least, this has been a pretty crazy school year. Not just because things have actually been hectic at work, but because a slew of other unexpected events have sprinkled our lives with more difficult days than we could manage.

I've meant to pick up my journal...or blog...to get some of my thoughts out. There just hasn't been the time to do it. Two weeks ago, I got one sentence out in my journal. One sentence.

When I don't write, I feel like I'm suffocating. And since I have a spare moment before this next week of graduation hits, I have to try - even for a little while - to let myself breathe.

So I will say that I've been frustrated. But it's been easier to turn to God a lot sooner than I usually do. I've wanted to take control of my own situation. But I've been learning that there are things I simply cannot dictate. I've been tempted to default to auto-pilot because I've been so tired. But He always calls me back to prayer so I can listen to the ways He wants to direct me.

After doing my "formal" prayers to and from work, I've been listening to the letters and meditations of Venerable Mother Luisita. She's the foundress of the Carmelite Sisters of the Sacred Heart - the same community that I was going to join some years ago. She's also a candidate for sainthood. I'll play the CD over and over and over again because my heart and my mind need to be fed with messages of faith and trust and surrender. As the world around me falls apart bit by bit, I come back to her words and am reminded that though things are bad, life can be much worse. And even amidst the trials, God is here - caring for us in every moment and every circumstance.

I'm thankful to God for sustaining me and my family in these days...for keeping us afloat...and for always drawing us closer to His heart. And I'm also grateful that He is teaching us many lessons about ourselves...about our relationships with each other and those around us. We're discovering how He is calling us to serve "in the mission fields" He has placed us in...and we're becoming more aware of His purpose for our lives.

If nothing else, we're learning about LOVE: what it is, how to show it, when it is present. This is now directing our life paths and keeping us faithful to His work. I shared this quote with Abie today:

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.

He nodded and said, "Yup. That's it."

The huge "something" that I felt coming on last August...it's happening. I just had to stop long enough to pay attention to it again.

"Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful, and enkindle in us the fire of Your divine love..."

+AMDG+

Resignation

2010-04-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

"You should resign yourself perfectly into the hands of God. When you have done your best in carrying out your design He will be pleased to accept everything you do, even though it be something less good. You cannot please God better than by sacrificing to Him your will, and remaining in tranquility, humility and devotion, entirely reconciled and submissive to His divine will and good pleasure. You will be able to recognize these plainly enough when you find that notwithstanding all your efforts it is impossible for you to gratify your wishes.

For God in His infinite goodness sometimes sees fit to test our courage and love by depriving us of the things which it seems to us would be advantageous to our souls; and if He finds us very earnest in our pursuit, yet humble, tranquil and resigned to do without them if He wishes us to, He will give us more blessings than we should have had in the possession of what we craved. God loves those who at all times and in all circumstances can say to Him simply and heartily: THY WILL BE DONE."

- St. Francis de Sales

Lessons

2010-03-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

Things are not exactly as I would have them to be, but God always knows best. He's trying to teach me lessons I should have learned a long time ago. In His great mercy, He is allowing me to discover the great value of experiences I could never really understand before.

I was talking to one of my friends about teenagers not truly understanding the sacrifices that other people make for them every day. As a teacher, that sometimes frustrates me, but I've been asking God for the strength to persevere anyway. In the middle of praying my morning rosary, I realized that I was the exact same way when I was their age.

It was all about me and my friends and my life and what I wanted. I took for granted that my parents worked so hard for us, just so we could get a good education and a roof over our heads. When my mom wasn't home, I assumed that work was more important to her than we were. When my dad died, I didn't know how difficult it was for her to try and play both mom and dad...to try and discipline us because he wasn't there to do it anymore. I didn't get it.......for a long time.

Not until I fell into her role.

Maybe I don't face the exact same circumstances that she faced, but I am feeling a lot of what she did. I now work long hours and hold more than one job...spending a few hours a day on the freeway to get there...coming home tired and worn from the demands of teaching. I am also having to "lay down the hammer" at school because the dynamics have shifted since our team has changed this last year.

Last week I wasn't feeling it anymore. Yesterday, I was still having a hard time. But God is always so good at coming through for me and letting me know that this has to happen for my own good...even if it doesn't feel so great. I need to REALLY, TRULY appreciate my mother for all the different ways she has loved us. I always said that I wanted her faith, and I wanted my prayers to be as strong as hers. But the only way that I can be like her is to be molded in much of the same way she was.

My mom knows how to persevere. She knows how to suffer well. She's gone through so much in her life, and she's never given up hope.

So I decided this morning to finally place all my desires, frustrations, and plans into the hands of God.....because I sure wasn't getting anywhere with them all by myself.

And that's when this song came on:

Safe
By Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think you're on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

I don't doubt God, but I sure don't let Him handle my life the way I need him to. And when I let Him be who He is, things start to fall into place. Today was actually a great day, and most of it came from the decision I made to be different. I suppose that's the fruit of my long commute. If I only had 15 minutes to get to work, maybe I wouldn't have the time to listen to Him like this.

So, dear Lord, thank you for answering my cry out to you. Thank you for not leaving me alone. Amen.

+AMDG+

The Fruit of the Mass

2010-03-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

We need never fear that the Mass hinders us in the fulfillment of our temporal affairs; it is altogether the other way around. We may be sure that all will go better and that even our business will succeed better than if we have the misfortune not to assist at Mass.

– St. John Vianney

Our response to grace

2010-01-18T22:55:00.000-08:00

"I have wandered onto the subject of silence. But this is not what I wanted to speak about, but rather about the soul's life with God and about its response to grace. When a soul has been cleansed, and the Lord is on intimate terms with it, it begins to apply all its inner force in striving after God. Yet the soul cannot do anything itself. God alone arranges everything. The soul knows this and is mindful of it. It is still in exile and understands will that there may yet come cloudy and rainy days, but it must now look upon things differently from what it had up to now. It does not seek reassurance in a false peace, but makes ready for battle. It knows it comes from a warrior race. It is now much more aware of everything. It knows that it is of royal stock. It is concerned with all that is great and holy."

- From the Diary of St. Faustina (#120)

Wisdom

2010-01-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

"I don't know what I'm doing, but I know what I love." - Albert Soratorio

What a wonderful conversation we had about pain...and love...and healing. For the first time in 31 years, we could say that we shared with each other. We've talked before, but not like this.

And I learned a very important lesson: Do not judge the weight of another person's cross. Do what you can to help them carry it.

I really, really love my brother.

+AMDG+

Victory in Christ

2010-01-11T04:37:00.000-08:00

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

******************************

There is no greater gift than LOVE. No greater strength. No greater virtue. Always and every day...may we remember to be LOVE.

For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. Amen.

+AMDG+

Buried Treasure for 2010

2010-01-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning out one of my boxes and found a notebook that has all my notes from Tito Jess's Catholic morality class, the Prayer of Jabez, and the talks I went to at the National Catholic Family Conference that year.

Powerhouse.

Fr. Bill Casey. Fr. Shannon Collins. Michael Cumbie. Tim Staples. Fr. Straub.

Those were the days...

So I decided to make them my New Year's meditations. Not just for the day, but for the WHOLE YEAR.

What grace comes from going back to your roots and relearning everything that committed your heart in the first place.

Regina sent me this prayer, and truly...it was everything I needed to hear for this coming year.

"Disturb us, O Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves; when our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little; when we have arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore; Stir us, O Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture more seas, where storms shall show your mastery, where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. In the Name of Him who pushed back the horizons of our hopes...and invited us to follow Him. Amen."

Here's to a year consecrated to Jesus through Mary...a year of expanding territory...claimed for the Kingdom of God.

+AMDG+

Solemnity of the Mary, Mother of God

2010-01-01T23:40:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Fr. Ed - today's homily

As soon as you wake up, consecrate your day to Mary.
Do all acts through Mary so she can offer them up to her Son.
Wear the scapular. It is Mary hugging you and offering her protection.
Pray the Rosary as a family daily (before dinner). Short and sweet.
Have the FATHER lead the rosary as the example of spiritual leadership.

From which we shall give

2009-12-30T08:47:00.000-08:00

Life in Christ: CCC #2548

Desire for true happiness frees man from his immoderate attachment to the goods of this world so that he can find his fulfillment in the vision and beatitude of God. "The promise [of seeing God] surpasses all beatitude...In Scripture, to see is to possess...Whoever sees God has obtained all the goods of which he can conceive."

+AMDG+

Christmas isn't over yet

2009-12-29T01:14:00.000-08:00

Life in Christ: CCC #2547

The Lord grieves over the rich, because they find their consolation in the abundance of goods. "Let the proud seek and love earthly kingdoms, but blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven." Abandonment to the providence of the Father in heaven frees us from anxiety about tomorrow. Trust in God is a preparation for the blessedness of the poor. They shall see God.

The Holy Family has much to teach me. They obeyed. They trusted. They suffered, but they never once turned away from God. In the days surrounding the nativity of Jesus, Mary and Joseph persevered beyond their own human limitations. Pregnant...about to give birth...traveling on the back of a donkey some 100 miles. Dreaming...an angel says, "Go or they will kill your child"...venturing into a land so far away from home. Because every step of the way, they begged for the grace.

I look to you, Lord, and say, "It's too heavy"...like my little girl tells me as she struggles to carry something bigger than her...but she - unlike me - tries to pick it up anyway. What good will I be if I just sit and stare at my cross? If I'm going to follow You, it needs to be on my shoulders...right where Yours was.

So my gift to You this Christmas is to try to be like You...like Mary...like Joseph. Not just in what I know about God, but what I choose to truly believe. Because if I really believe in You, then my life will reflect a greater love...a deeper commitment...a lasting peace. No matter the weight that bears down on me, or the obstacles that stand in the way...somehow it will all bear some kind of fruit...maybe in my own heart and in the hearts of my own children.

Amen.

+AMDG+

Advent - A Time of Waiting

2009-12-13T23:52:00.000-08:00

...lots of waiting. For what?

answers to questions about my health
God's will regarding work and ministry
this flu to be over

I just remembered that the vice I put on the board on the first week of Advent was impatience. I told the 6th graders, "The goal for all of us is to be holier on Christmas day than we were when Advent began. We all have things we want to change. Look at all the vices we listed - one from each of us. How horrible this world would be if we never changed these things. But look at all the opposite virtues! If we can reach these, by the grace of God, we'd all be saints!"

I should really listen to myself. Sometimes I have to be my own student. It'll save me a whole lot of frustration. =)

He hears me

2009-10-30T04:00:00.000-07:00

We ought to be persuaded that what God refuses to our prayer, He grants to our salvation.

– St. Augustine

Be strong, fear not!

2009-09-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Thus says the LORD:
Say to those whose hearts are frightened:
Be strong, fear not! Here is your God, he comes with vindication; with divine recompense he comes to save you. Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared; then will the lame leap like a stag, then the tongue of the mute will sing. Streams will burst forth in the desert, and rivers in the steppe. The burning sands will become pools, and the thirsty ground, springs of water.
(Is 35:4-7a)

********************

I am free. My ears have been opened to His word. My eyes now see what He wills me to see in myself and those around me. He said to me, “Ephphatha!” Twenty-five years had gone by and I had forgotten what it was like to hear Him...to see Him...within me.

I was healed through a man whose purity of heart and clarity of soul channeled the grace of God straight into the very depths of my being. There was nothing dramatic about it. Just a simple prayer, a hand laid on my head, with Jesus so close to his heart. He was one of Your own, Lord.

I will never forget. August 23, 2009.

No wonder people follow him. They follow him like they followed You, dear Lord. They know that through him, they come in contact with the power of God. Such a humble, uncontaminated presence...

+AMDG+

Beloved

2009-07-31T00:53:00.000-07:00

Life is beautiful.

Family...friends...opportunities...talking about falling so deeply in love with Jesus...accepting our imperfections...forgiving mistakes...transformation...reconciliation...something happening in the Church.

Lots to contemplate, and even more to appreciate.

I'm also praying for a baby named Niko to meet the world with a loud, healthy cry...for his mommy to lift up every minute of labor and childbirth out of love for this child God has given to her.

These are good times. So much to look forward to! =)

+AMDG+

Bedtime routine

2009-07-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight: 1st sorrowful mystery - I'm praying, girls are squirmy. 2nd sorrowful mystery - I'm praying, Lea is rolling around, Therese is squirmier. 3rd sorrowful mystery - I stop in-between to try another hold with Therese, Lea wants me to hold her, too..then starts singing and dancing the "Disco Roll". 4th sorrowful mystery - I'm praying, Lea lies down next to me and strokes my arm singing the "Goodbye" song...halfway through 4th sorrowful mystery, Lea starts praying the Hail Mary's with me for the first time!! 5 in a row - whoohoo!! Then Lea looks tired and I tell her she can go to sleep. 5th sorrowful mystery - I'm praying, both girls are asleep. Praise God! It works (almost) every time. =)

Grace is flowing like a river

2009-07-23T00:35:00.001-07:00

I just got done chatting with one of my former students from St. Paul of the Cross. She found me on Yahoo! and we got to talking...I haven't seen her in 5 years, and she's starting her first year in college! It was a really nice dialogue...very God-centered...and I was so happy to know that she was doing so well.

Funny thing that I mentioned Gary working at LMU and she was floored because that's where she wanted to go...also to be an athletic trainer! So I suggested that they talk so she can learn more about the different routes she can take. It was just weird how I was just thinking of her the other day, and she said she was thinking of me, too...then all of a sudden she gets in contact with me!

It's been such a blessed summer. So many things have happened...to the point that it's been almost overwhelming in a good way. Making rosaries...teaching a couple of my students and a grandma...knowing that they want to continue and show others how to make them...coming back to SJS and seeing kids loving to learn during VACATION!...being inspired by friends...learning to dance for GOD...anticipating new additions to the family...

But alas I must go to sleep now, More rosary making plus a doctor's appointment in the morning, and hula practice at night...so we're up for another long day.

Good night! =)

+AMDG+

Conversation

2009-07-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Prayer. Communion with God. Going to Him for everything...consolation, advice, direction. Sometimes it's hard to remember that we don't have to work too hard to "figure things out"...that it's God who is in control of all the things we're trying to figure out.
"The Lord himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still." That is incredibly encouraging...from the
Exodus story but very relevant to our own lives. We have no power in and of ourselves, so we must trust Him to work miracles and move mountains just like He said He would.
Yesterday's first reading from the book of Jeremiah talks about "the remnant" that the Lord will gather to Himself. I felt my heart smile as I thought of all the friends I had made over the years who had been part of my journey...scattered but being called back so that "none shall be missing." It was so nice to see familiar souls last week as we came together to pray for baby Bella, Mark, and Micah. Tonight we are heading to Holy Family to help the youth group prepare for their rally...later next month it will be LSS...in September we'll be back at SCRC to actually attend talks again (I'm SOOO excited!).
I've also since been in touch with others along the way...sharing and reconnecting...because we need each other...a phone call, an email, a text just to pray and to let each other know that the Mystical Body of Christ is still very much alive.
Praise the Lord!
+AMDG+

Ati and Lea

2009-07-17T01:17:00.001-07:00

Leilani is spending a couple of days with us, and Meleana is having SO much fun with her! She arrived yesterday afternoon with Lyn-lyn, Mommy, and JJ and we had lunch here from Versailles (mmmm...). Before falling too deep into a food coma, we all went to the Bridge and played glow-in-the-dark mini golf at Putting Edge. Leilani hit a beautiful hole-in-one, and so did Gary...but I missed his because I was feeding Therese. They gave Meleana and JJ little putters and golf balls so they could participate, too, and JJ was doing so well with trying to hit the ball into the holes. =) It was so cute watching them playing with each other! I was excited over how everybody's clothes glowed. Leilani asked me what glowed on me, and I told her that only my toes glowed...haha! But the putters and golf balls glowed, and we even got little glow bracelets. Very cool! We had some time to walk around, so we swung by Game Stop for Leilani and Gary, then ended with shakes and smoothies from Ben & Jerry's (mmmm again!).

Back at the apartment, Leilani and Lea spent some time drawing/coloring, blowing bubbles, and playing in the watermelon box-turned-clubhouse that Gary made for Lea a few months ago. Leilani thought that we could decorate the inside, so I printed out pictures of Jesus and Mary, curtains, clouds, and a sun (totally her idea). She cut them all out and we taped them to the inside...complete with a "Home Sweet Home" sign to also put up.

As soon as Gary was finished making dinner, they all sat and ate while I took care of the baby. I eventually fell asleep and stayed asleep (which is why I'm up right now) and they played in the house some more, roasted marshmallows, played again, practiced Lea's ABCs on Starfall, and gave her a bath.

My niece is so sweet. Before Lyn-lyn left, she said Leilani was our third daughter. I said she was my daughter even before I had the two girls. I know Emeline feels the same way. We all helped raise her, and Lyn-lyn was so generous to share her with our whole family. I used to take her out whenever I wanted and we'd hang out - usually at Downtown Disney during the summertime and go to daily Mass during the week nights after I'd pick her up from preschool.

I'm so glad she loves our children, and that Meleana gets along so well with all her cousins. The day after seeing them, she's saying over and over, "Ati, Jacob, JJ! Ati, Jacob, JJ!" They're all challenged to learn to share with each other when they play, but that's just a part of growing up. Most of the time, though, they LOVE to laugh together and have Yo Gabba dance parties in Em and Rob's family room. I have such a great time watching them enjoy the time they have as little kids...and Gary has a blast playing with all of them. It definitely keeps us young. =)

Praise God for family!!!

In Your arms

2009-07-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

Life is so precious. For as long as we are here, we need to see it for the gift that it is. We just left All Souls Cemetary for Baby Bella's viewing. When Em told me that she died, I wanted to cry. My heart hurt so painfully for Micah and Mark because I couldn't imagine going through such a loss...thinking that everything was fine for most of the pregnancy and then realizing that you would soon have to say goodbye and let her go. It was hard for Gary and I to lose our first baby too, but we didn't have to plan a funeral for him.

Oh, Lord, we are so grateful for the strength you have given them through their faith and the prayers of their family and friends. Thank you for putting it in my heart to give them the picture of You holding the baby in Heaven. It brought so much comfort to us when we lost little Gary and it just seemed like the right thing to do to pass it on to them. And to be there with the family praying the rosary...to ask for healing as we laid hands on them...because we didn't have the words. No one ever knows what to say but You somehow always show us what we need to do.

Please continue to hold Micah and Mark in the shelter of Your loving embrace, and grant them the consolation in knowing that their little girl is with You loving them with Heaven's love. Amen.

Making it work

2009-07-05T23:49:00.000-07:00

When I was single, I was very selfish with my time. It may not have seemed like it because I was always involved in ministry or some kind of service, and I spent so much time at work. But ultimately, I did what I wanted when I wanted...and when I felt like I needed to get away, I took a long drive...when I wanted to spend time with Jesus, I hopped in my car to go to adoration during late night hours at churches all over SoCal.

Yet parenting has to be one of the greatest opportunities to grow in virtue. Now that I am a mom, I find myself making sacrifices all the time, and I cannot do what I want when I want. I must meet the needs of my children, make them happy, dry their tears, entertain them when they are bored, feed them, clothe them, change their diapers, and take them with me almost everywhere I go.

A drastic change from what my life was like just less than two years ago.

I complain sometimes (when I really shouldn't) and I get frustrated when days (or nights) don't go as smoothly as I would like them to. But Gary brought up a really good point last week when I was having a hard time with the kids. He said that all animal children stay with their mothers until they are ready to venture out into the world. The mother carries them on her back (or in her pouch)...or for the water-dwellers, the young are found swimming right alongside their mommas...as natural as can be.

I needed to hear that again because I have had to readjust to being at home for summer vacation. Gary spends most of his time with the kids when I am at work. So they (especially Meleana) gravitate toward him more then they would to me. Therese actually enjoys his shoulder much more than mine. But over the last couple of weeks, Meleana has been very attached to me and it kind of took me by surprise. I've always been the kind of person that needs "space", so I had to get used to all the attention she was giving and wanting from me.

When I had the conversation with Gary about animal babies and their mothers, I asked God to give me the grace for the kind of mothering I needed to give my girls. Made in the image and likeness of God, we - more than any animal - have the capacity to love our children the way He loves us.

I've had to beg for even more grace during Mass when my little toddler wants to run off and play outside rather than sit quietly next to me. Last Sunday, I spent almost the entire Mass outside with her because she just couldn't hold it together inside. But I remembered the advice my cousin Jaymee gave to take the kids to daily Mass to help them get used to the routine. Daily Mass last week was a struggle still since it really depended on whether we were able to get a nap in, but I told Gary that we needed to keep going and taking the kids no matter how difficult it was because the day would eventually come when Meleana would sit there quietly and we would be able to participate.

So today - Sunday - we decided to take another shot at going to SPC. We were anticipating another challenging Mass because Meleana was constipated and couldn't sleep on the way there. I read the Mass readings and Gospel on the drive so at least I knew what I might be missing and prayed super-hard for patience in the next hour with her.

You wouldn't believe...

She was PERFECT. I held her in my arms...she laid on my lap...she watched the kids behind us...and found things in my purse to quietly play with. When it was time for communion, she held my hand and waited for our turn to go up. No squirming, no crying, no whining about how uncomfortable she was.

After receiving the Eucharist, I thanked God profusely for keeping her calm and for allowing me to be there in the church the whole time. As soon as Mass was over, I thanked Meleana for being so well-behaved. She clapped for herself because she seemed to understand that she did a good job and it meant a lot to me. I know not every Sunday from here on out will be like today, but I'm so glad I didn't have to wait another 3 years to see it happen.

Day by day...I'm learning how to be more self-giving and loving...less selfish and impatient. I love my children - I really do - but I have to keep reminding myself that in order to truly love them, I have to deny myself and do for them what my parents did for me.

So yes, I really am enjoying my time off being able to spend so much time with my family because I know that in September I will be sad to leave them again.

+AMDG+

Prepare for revolution

2009-06-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

"Every revolution, big or small, requires a change of mentality, and even before that, a change of heart, in order to overcome any resistance there might be to the new situation." (p.169 - A Life with Karol)

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In true appreciation of the journey...

From Altar Server to Bishop (By Bishop Frederick Henry)

A beautiful life

2009-06-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

I shared a lot of stories with my students last week...about a lot of things...marriage, parenting, life. As I reflect on my own journey and see where God has brought me today, I'm able to appreciate the different ways He has called all of us to use our gifts and live our lives.

And as I spent this past weekend with my family in Las Vegas, I looked around me and noticed a whole lot of goodness in each and every one of them. Again realizing that there really isn't "just one way" to be...that we were all called in our own special ways to follow God's will.

One of my nephews graduated from Serra Vista High School this past week, which is why we were all up there. He's planning on going to a JC for now and his brother is going to be a junior at UNLV. They're both AMAZING young men...very respectful, intelligent, talented, so good with the little kids. I had to complement my cousin and her husband for doing such a wonderful job in raising them. Their lola (my ninang) also plays a huge role in their lives, supporting their education and praying with them every night.

What was so nice was that my cousin-in-law Robert noticed I was teaching Meleana her ABCs, and he smiled. He asked me if I was going to homeschool the kids and I told him that we were planning on it, if Gary and I are able to make the switch down the road. He told us that he saw the graduation for homeschoolers in LV on the news and there were 600 kids in attendance. I was surprised because I didn't expect the numbers to be so high...but it was great to hear that there was a solid community of people who decided to go the "unconventional" route and that the city was taking the time to acknowledge them publicly on TV.

We also went to church out there on Saturday evening at this BEAUTIFUL parish called "St. Joseph, Husband of Mary" (wonderful name, isn't it?). Everything about it was unique - even the artwork and architecture - Byzantine style icons and relief paintings of the saints. The priest was really good, too. He did a great job of reminding us all of who Jesus is to us in the Eucharist...that we unite ourselves more and more to Christ in His Mystical Body whenever we receive Communion. And he also said that we should never be afraid to go out and bring His message to others...to serve them in love.

Gary even said that he felt something "different" there...that it was a truly holy place...that the congregation was sincere in their faith...that it was just special. I think it hit him the most through a young disabled teenage boy who was seated near him, singing with his whole heart and soul, truly participating in every part of the Mass.

Yes, I met Jesus in each moment of this weekend...

in all the little cousins running around with each other
in each smile Therese gave to her lolos and lolas and the 15 smiles she gave her Ati (yes, Leilani counted them all!)
in the hospitality of Auntie Mary June, Ate Nene, Robert, and the kids
in my ob who lets me call him on his cell phone on Sunday morning to ask him questions
in Gary's patience as we sat in traffic long enough to miss the Laker game on TV

A couple of weeks ago, I asked the Holy Spirit to send me into the desert to pray. Well, technically we were in the desert, and I WAS able to pray! Praise God!

Two days of school left! I'm excited for the summer. =) But now it's time to go to bed...

+AMDG+

Swimming upstream

2009-06-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

God calls us to be faithful to Him. Not everyone is going to agree with the path we take or how we go about living our lives, but it doesn't really matter what the popular opinion is. What matters is that we live in His will because we know HE LOVES US. There isn't anything He asks us to do that will ultimately bring us harm. God ALWAYS brings us to a better place, even if we sometimes have to make temporary sacrifices.

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On Sunday April 24th 1994, Pope John Paul II recommended this prayer be used by all Catholics as a prayer for the Church when he said:

'"May prayer strengthen us for the spiritual battle we are told about in the Letter to the Ephesians: 'Draw strength from the Lord and from His mighty power' (Ephesians 6:10). The Book of Revelation refers to this same battle, recalling before our eyes the image of St. Michael the Archangel (Revelation 12:7). Pope Leo XIII certainly had a very vivid recollection of this scene when, at the end of the last century, he introduced a special prayer to St. Michael throughout the Church. Although this prayer is no longer recited at the end of Mass, I ask everyone not to forget it and to recite it to obtain help in the battle against forces of darkness and against the spirit of this world."'

Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Amen.

Love at all cost

2009-05-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I asked Jesus to help me love like Him. I asked Him if He could take my broken heart and replace it with His.

This week I was given the opportunity to truly love so many people in my life.

My husband.

My children.

My students.

Each of them was asking me to love them in so many different ways. All 111 of them. That's a lot of people.

I needed to forgive, to accept, to sacrifice, to hug, to listen, to advise, to even reach back into the darkness of my own past and draw out lessons that would teach them who they really are.

And today happened to be another one of those days that cost me. Like I told Mirella, I love these students of mine so much...I pour out my whole heart and soul into everything I do for them...and when they aren't willing to receive, it hurts. I get frustrated, and sometimes I wonder why I try so hard.

But I can't give them any less than this. Every day I choose to come straight home to my family and spend as much time with them as I can. Every morning I leave my family to serve my students and take care of educating them, forming them in the faith, praying with them, and sitting down to talk when they really need me.

Yes, I'm exhausted.

Yet St. Ignatius tells us not to count the cost.

At the end of the day, I am grateful. I'm grateful that God gave me enough grace to get through and love despite the difficulties. I'm grateful that I can still give even when I'm hurting inside or struggling with uncertainties about my own health. I'm grateful that I can still listen when I myself need to talk, and that I can remember the importance of "taking one day at a time."

I really need it to be June 16th, but I don't want these next few weeks to fly by without appreciating the reasons my students give me to stay at SJS.

What did Jesus do when He was this tired?

He went off by Himself to pray.

Maybe He wasn't married with two kids, but He sure did have A WHOLE LOT more "students" than I do. And they followed Him everywhere He went.

I can't imagine.

So I guess it's not so bad. It just means that I need to take a little more time by myself (or with a sleeping baby in my lap) to pray and REALLY talk with God. I've been too busy asking Him for stuff - mostly for other people - that we haven't been doing much conversing.

To the desert, dear Spirit. Please send me to the desert to pray.

Examen

2009-05-22T23:53:00.000-07:00

At the end of my day, I find myself replaying every mistake and every blessing...asking myself how I could have done better and being grateful to God for His sustenance and grace. Sometimes I'm weighed down by incredible guilt over little things, and I suppose that can be good if it drives me to change. But I do have to literally cry out the name of Jesus so the bad feelings don't overwhelm me since I'm really good at being hard on myself.

I think in my own mind that even if I was awarded Teacher of the Year, I can do so much better than I have been. It's been so tough lately because in my heart I want so bad to be home with the girls, but after work I still have to grade papers, put together lessons, and make powerpoints. And yet when I'm at SJS I really enjoy helping my students learn about their faith. It was so much easier to be a teacher when I was single because I could devote more time to the school...but if I wasn't working, then I can be more present to my own daughters and care for them the way I think I should.

As God's will has determined, I signed my contract for another year at SJS. I was okay with it since I left it in his hands, and I was happy that I can continue working with my 7th graders as they move on to their 8th grade year. There is so much I want to do with them...so much they haven't yet been exposed to. They like to learn and they remind me every day why I came back to be a full-time teacher three years ago.

Maybe God's allowing me to stay at SJS so Gary is able to build a solid relationship with our kids. When he goes back to work, it will more than likely involve some traveling again and he may not be able to spend as much time with them. So if I look at it that way, I am willing to make the sacrifice right now. At least I have long vacations so I still get my chance to be home for part of the year, which is wonderful. And perhaps through all of this I will be able to better understand how Mommy felt when she was the main breadwinner for our family when Daddy couldn't work.

There is a purpose...actually more than one...and I'm sure God will reveal more to me later on. But like I told my two girls who didn't win the Student Council election, God has a plan and we may just have to wait and see what He has in store.

Made in His Image

2009-05-21T01:45:00.000-07:00

I'm teaching the Family Life Unit for the 8th graders this week and next...and I'm not using a book because Scripture, CCC, JPII, Jason Evert, Pam Stenzel were better resources than any widely used "Family Life" books that were out there. Thank God EWTN decided to do a review...praise the Lord for Mother Angelica and her people.

The 8th graders wrote down questions for me the other day. After I was done reading and sorting them out, I looked down at Therese in my lap and said, "Wow, baby, these kids asked some really tough questions." Then she smiled at me with her sweet, comforting, chubby-cheeked grin, and it was as if God was trying to tell me that it was going to be okay.

And at that very moment I was SO glad that she wasn't going to be 13 years old any time soon...

Please pray for us! =)

+AMDG+

The Power of Love

2009-05-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

I showed this video to my 7th graders today.

Like Karina said, you don't really see it as actors in a movie...it's as if you're watching the real thing...all the events unfolding before your eyes...the love of Jesus Christ poured out for every single one of us.

For the May Crowning Mass, I'm supposed to do a short reflection on what Mary means to me as a mother. So many thoughts come to mind... And I chuckle to myself because when I was pregnant, I really had no reason to complain because I never had to sit on the back of a donkey for 80+ miles to travel anywhere.

Mama Mary is AMAZING.

I will pray on this tonight...

Memories

2009-05-17T02:09:00.000-07:00

Time has healed me, as over the years I have been wrapped in the arms of Jesus. I keep bringing my pain to confession because I've had to dig out the roots of my own shortcomings. It feels wonderful to be able to revisit old memories and not hurt anymore...

And looking back, now I understand.

Why I'm here

2009-05-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

"...not because I get rich from this job, but because I love you guys."

The Weight of the Cross

2009-05-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

At Therese's baptism some weeks ago, Fr. Sean said that we parents need to help our children carry their crosses...because if we don't they might be too heavy for them. It was such an eye-opener for me because my responsibility as a mom really hit home. As much as I don't want my girls to suffer or ever see them with a broken heart, I understand that unexpected things happen in life and someday they will know and feel very deeply the sorrow that I want to shield them from. Hearing Fr. Sean's message, I knew that the best thing I could do for them is what my parents did for me: teach them who Jesus Christ is and how He is powerful enough to bear any pain or grief or sadness.

Both my mom and dad taught me how to suffer. Granted that I still find myself complaining when I'm tired or frustrated, I try to remember the grace that they received from the Lord to bear their crosses. When my dad had a stroke, he fought for his life. He tried to stay as positive as he could because he knew he was able to get through it 40 years before. He could have died at the young age of 28, paralyzed and put on his deathbed, but he told himself that God could heal him and he did. Before his health took a turn for the worse in March of 2005, I would attend his therapy sessions and I would watch him work so hard to regain his muscle strength. I remember walking into the hospital, seeing him working with the OT and holding a pencil so he could learn how to write again. It was like he was a little child in kindergarten...my heart fell when I thought about how capable he used to be. But he never gave up, and he was so patient through the training we had to go through just so I could help him get in and out of the car, how to use the bathroom, how to get up out of bed.

Mommy has also gone through so much - losing her husband, her job, and her eyesight - those only being some of the trials she has had to endure over the course of her life. She has taught me how to trust in God...to know that He has a plan for us, even when we no longer have what means so much to us. When Daddy got sick, I watched her care for him at night and on the weekends after working at three different clinics. There was no break, especially when she still had four teenagers to raise. I saw in my mom Mary standing at the foot of the cross...through her love and service, our family was able to survive such a difficult time. The Eucharist was her strength - I knew this because she always told me that when no one else seemed to understand what she was going through, she would always pay a visit to the Blessed Sacrament and turn to Jesus because He would never abandon her.

If it wasn't for the faith of my parents, I wouldn't be where I am right now (literally, in my classroom at SJS). If it wasn't for their prayers, I wouldn't have given my own life to Christ and renewed my relationship with God. It was the foundation that they laid for me and my brother and sisters that allowed us to bear the crosses that we have carried and still carry today.

And so will I do for my own family. Yes, it's hard but what other option are we willing to choose? By His grace alone...through the love we have for one another...

Amen.

+AMDG+

Baby Think It Over

2009-05-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

I used to work for March of Dimes a long time ago and would go to junior highs and high schools all over the OC with these dolls. This article makes a really good point...you can read for yourself...

Catholic Schools Rethink the Use of Dolls to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Especially when I'm back to square one with another newborn baby while trying to figure out how to raise a toddler, I have days when I honestly have to remind myself that children are NOT a burden but the greatest gift anyone could ever have. I hate that I don't always remember that when Gary and I are running off of just a few hours sleep each night...but this is where I've been during the past month and a half.

Don't get me wrong. I LOOOOOOOVE my little girls so much...even when Meleana is in time out and I'm having to hold her poor little screaming body at arm's length so she understands that she cannot talk back or do things she knows she is not supposed to do. I wouldn't trade the experience of being a parent for anything in the world. When I come back to the reason why I wanted to be a mother in the first place...how heartbroken I was when we lost our first baby...how much laughter and love our firstborn brings into our home...how our second daughter smiles at me with her chubby little cheeks...I thank God for all of it. ALL OF IT. Yes, even the hard days.

So basically what I'm saying is that we need to teach our young people who may be parents some day that while parenting is a HUGE responsibility, it is also an incredible JOY. I'm glad I got to read this article before putting my Family Life units together for my students in the junior high. I need all the positive messages I can get because exhaustion makes me...umm...not positive.

I wanted to do an update since the last post, but that'll have to wait for another day. Gotta get home to mi familia...

+AMDG+

Resurrection

2009-04-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

Basking in the spirit of Easter...

I haven't been blogging lately for a lot of reasons. One being that my laptop has been at SJS for two weeks, so it's forced me to take more time in silence to face myself without a whole lot of distractions. Do you know how hard that is to do? I'm so used to hopping on the computer whenever I have a free time, and when it wasn't available to me I didn't know what to do with myself at first.

I should've given up the internet for Lent. Given the fact that I was working when the season started, I didn't think it was possible...but I could've limited it to work purposes only and told my friends and family to just call instead of email. That's what I'll do next year (after being inspired by Jenn to plan for Lent 2010). In the meantime, I can at least stay off the computer a few days out of the week and use it when only absolutely necessary on those off-days. I'll figure something out. Feels good to be able to detach...

There's a lot to catch up on, and I don't think I can really cover it all. I think yesterday was most monumental, though, so I'll start there.

Last weekend, I told Gary I needed to talk to an SPC priest. I've been struggling in a number of major areas of my life - mostly in the way that I see myself...being afraid to fail...needing to trust God again...surrendering everything to Him...etc. Initially I planned on seeing Fr. Ed, as I usually do, but I decided that I would just go to confession and talk to any of the priests available. When we got to SPC, the big church was closed for repair so we went to the old church and found out that there was no 6:30 English Mass. The Spanish Mass began at 7:00 and since we were already there we decided to stay and just wait for our baptism class to start afterwards. Fr. Ed's homily was about living a life of holiness and being prepared to die at any time. He talked about the Angels pitcher who just recently passed away at 22 years old and reminded us that the saints were always ready to meet the Lord (that's how far my high school Spanish classes got me!). I was really grateful for the message because it helped me realized that my rut was keeping me from counting my blessings every day and doing the most I could to live the kind of fulfilling life God meant for me to have.

At 8:00, we attended the second baptism class for parents. Danny gave a talk about the 10 duties that Catholic parents have for their children. It was a great follow-up to the lessons I relearned when I was cleaning a couple of days ago (I'll have to post about that another day). I needed to hear again what we need to be doing for Meleana and Therese. As young as they are, they need to me immersed into a life of holiness...not neceesarily being taught extensive theological ideas...but learning what it means to love God through the example that they see from us, through the images that they see in our home, through the type of media we expose them to. We need to protect our children from any bad influences that come from the secular world and form their consciences so that they know truly what is right and wrong in the eyes of GOD. From their youth, we need to prepare them for Catholic marriage and foster any call to religious vocation that may come about. All things that I already knew, but I NEEDED TO HEAR IT AGAIN.

I forget so easily, therefore I get discouraged so easily...which is why I needed to talk to a priest. All the couples had the opportunity to go to confession, and I was so happy to see Fr. Larry to receive the sacrament. I wanted to talk to Fr. Ed, but God's providence always reigns supreme - Fr. Larry it was. As soon as he began advising me, I realized that at the darkest moments of my life, he has been the priest I end up talking to...not because I seek him out, but because he just happens to be there. Fr. Ed keeps me on the right track...Fr. Larry helps dig me out of the hole. Why? Because the first thing he always says to me is "God loves you very much." Now, he probably says this to every person he sees, but it's times like this that I need to hear it.

He went on to give me the encouragement I needed, and he said that I cannot let the devil take away my peace. How profound that statement was. Many years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide and it saddened me for days on end. I was working at Kaiser Bellflower at the time, and one pf the nurses there noticed I was down. Irene was her name, and she was very much like a younger Mrs. Triplett (from Verb). She sat me down and after talking with her for some time, she looked me in the eye and said, "Marianne, do not let Satan steal your joy." The memory is a very powerful thing...we store these treasures in our hearts and remember what is most important for our souls because in times of sorrow and darkness, these moments of grace come back to us when we need them most.

I always understood that we battle with the enemy when we fight against temptation and sin, but I forgot that we also battle with him when our peace and our joy are threatened by discouragement and doubt. I made a commitment not to lose, and I begged God for the grace of His peace...of His joy...of His presence in every aspect of my life.

I need Him to take over again. I really do. My salvation depends on it. The salvation of my family depends on it. The salvation of my students are so greatly affected by it.

At all cost...whatever it takes...we have to get to Heaven.

+AMDG+

Renewal

2009-04-07T04:26:00.000-07:00

It's Holy Week. This has probably been one of the most enlightening Lenten seasons I have ever experienced. My soul went through a deep-cleaning of sorts, and I must say that I'm glad I finally let go of the fear...the shame...the guilt...the pride. I would imagine that somehow there is still some residue left, but when I start to notice the build-up I need to let God give me a good scrubbing.

Confession before Palm Sunday vigil Mass was so refreshing. I always walk out of the confessional feeling so much better than I did when I walked in, but there's something extra-special about participating in Mass and receiving Holy Communion with a clean heart.

Our second daughter, Therese Hope, was also born last March 13 at 3:17pm...another Lenten blessing. She is a beautiful baby and such a wonderful addition to our family. Meleana loves her so much! You can already see her taking on the big sister role: throwing away the diapers after we change Therese, giving her kisses and wanting to hold her. It's so nice to see her enjoying the presence of another child at home. =)

There have been many opportunities for prayers, sacrifice, and self-denial accompanied with abundant graces and blessings that I did not deserve. And so during the holiest time of the year, I renew the offering of my heart - as imperfect as it is - in a recommitment to the Cross so that my children may know who Jesus Christ is in the love that I give them, in the patience that I show them, and in the faith that I share with them.

"Be not afraid..I go before you always..."

+AMDG+

Thank you, Ei

2009-03-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

Empty And Beautiful
My past won't stop haunting me
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be

This thorn in my side is a grace
For because of it the flesh and blood of God
Was offered in my place, my place

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Where did my best friends go?
In my defense they disappeared
Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord

But You were there, You gave me strength
So this little one might come to know
The glory of Your name, Your name

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me

Gethsemane

2009-02-25T18:19:00.001-08:00

"We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials."

– St. Teresa of Avila

And the forty days begins now...

+AMDG+

Lent is approaching...

2009-02-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

I need a place to save these articles. Seven deadly sins...we don't know how easy it is to fall into them...really good read, if you're interested...

Seven Deadly Sins: PRIDE

I especially appreciated this part...

The Virtue: Humility

If we have been honest in answering the questions asked above, we have probably discovered that there is a lot of pride in us. That’s ok, if we’re willing to fix it. So what’s the fix? Humility is the obvious antidote. But how do we attain this humility?
First, we need to understand what humility is and what it isn’t. Some people believe that humility is putting ourselves down: saying that we aren’t smart, or aren’t pretty, or aren’t anything good. This isn’t true. We all need to have a healthy sense of self-esteem and be secure in what God made us and the gifts He has blessed us with. So humility is not thinking less of ourselves. Rather it is thinking thinking less about ourselves. Take the focus off us and put it on somebody else, and we’re on our way to being humble.
Another way towards humility is realizing our dependance on God. Without Him, we are nothing. Sometimes the best among us fail to realize this.
One day while Jesus was talking to a bunch of people He set a little child among them and said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). The people He was addressing were His apostles! And these words were in response to a question they asked Him: “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”

We all need more humility. I need more humility. The enemy tempts us to pride in so many different ways and we have to truly be on our guard against it - the father of all sins. Scary.

I also thought this passage was so full of wisdom. Makes a lot of sense...

Adam and Eve would never have made the mistake that they made in Eden if they had gone to God for counsel. Eve may not have been able to stop the dialog that she had with the serpent, but the simple act of going to God and asking Him what He thought about what the serpent said would have saved her a lot of grief. Ditto for Adam. And it wasn’t like they didn’t have access to Him. He walked in the garden of Eden with them!
The more we go to God for counsel the more humble we become. The humbler we get, the more child-like we become. Jesus said, “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad the road that leads the destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the path that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). Perhaps only children can find it; after all, if the gate is so small, then only they can get through.

+AMDG+

Ask, seek, knock

2009-02-18T22:29:00.000-08:00

Driven to absolute frustration, I begged for answers. Consumed by anxiety, I prayed for consolation. God has never failed me, and He pulled through for me during these past two weeks as He always does.

We had a Holy Spirit prayer service in 8th grade Religion yesterday. Some of my kids volunteered to pray over their classmates. Short and simple, yet very powerful. The prayer leaders were touched; the rest of the class felt moved...said it was awesome. They all want to do it again. It was amazing to see this light glowing within them that I hadn't seen before. Better late than never...but compared to my own life's experience, they're way ahead of where I was at their age. Praise God...

Great talks with Gary lately...even if we'd been up until 3 in the morning some days chatting away about life and our relationship, it's been very reassuring...especially since we're facing another huge adjustment in our lives. I'm so thankful that we are able to talk and that he is always extremely understanding of my insecurities and concerns. I love that he is becoming more and more of a best friend. We didn't have a long history together before we got married, but we did have a good friendship starting off. However, it took me a while to get myself to totally open up to him without being afraid of what he would think/say...not because he would react harshly, but because I still needed so much healing to take place inside.

You've brought me so far, Lord. After reading some of my journal entries from 2005, I was so impressed at the progress I've made over the last four years. I had questions about my job...about who I was...about who I'd become...and while the future continues to pose more possibilities, I'm at least able to look back and appreciate where I've been and where You have placed me today.

I want to say so much more, but I think I'll just soak in my heart's gratitude. Thank you so much, dear God, for hearing me and working Your grace and providence in my life.

+AMDG+

Just cut off the dead leaves

2009-02-09T23:52:00.000-08:00

About 4 years ago, one of my Kappa sisters gave me a bamboo plant. I told myself that if I could keep it alive, I would be ready to have kids. Why? Because I have successfully almost killed every other plant I have owned, and I figured that it would be quite pitiful if I couldn't maintain a BAMBOO plant.

I'd been doing pretty well with it until last Christmas. We were gone for a couple of weeks and I didn't water it. I don't think I watered it for a month because I was so busy. So there were brown leaves growing out of it. Well...they weren't really growing because the leaves were dead.

I was ready to just let it die.

But I learned from my mom - the gardener - that as long as there were green leaves and the stalks were still alive, all I had to do was cut off the dead leaves and the plant would be fine.

So that's what I did. I cut off the dead leaves. And it's fine.

I was so discouraged by all the brown leaves that I didn't even acknowledge the life still left in my plant. I was totally gonna give up on it. How sad.

Lesson learned: Don't focus on what's going wrong...look for everything that's going right...because it's not over 'til it's over. That's exactly what my bamboo taught me.

Thanks, little bamboo. You've got some years left in you yet. Then maybe I'll upgrade to herbs...hehe =)

WHAT?!?!

2009-01-27T16:16:00.000-08:00

*NOTE...this is absolutely RIDICULOUS...

Pelosi: Fewer babies = stronger economy
Charlie Butts and Jody Brown - OneNewsNow - 1/27/2009 6:00:00 AM

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stirred up a hornet's nest by promoting the idea of spending of millions of dollars on birth control and abortion as part of the economic stimulus package.

"Contraception," argued Pelosi, "will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government." Her comments came on ABC's This Week when asked by host George Stephanopoulos how expanding "family-planning services" to the tune of millions of dollars will stimulate the economy. OneNewsNow sought reaction from Susan Fani, director of communications for the Catholic League.

"It's quite shocking, actually, that the Speaker of the House -- who claims to be Catholic -- would go on national television and claim that contraception would reduce the cost to the government," exclaims Fani. "It's just beyond words, really."

Pelosi has five children and six grandchildren. Catholic League president Bill Donohue finds her comments revealing. "We have reached a new low when high-ranking public office holders in the federal government cast children as the enemy," he offers in a press statement. "But at least it explains their enthusiasm for abortion-on-demand."

Will the spending on "family-planning services" help dig America out of its economic doldrums?

"That's not going to help grow the economy," Fani responds. "It doesn't even make sense as a prospect for helping this country through our economic crisis. So it's wrong on so many different levels, and just shows...a very flawed thought process."

American Life League calls Pelosi's remarks "a betrayal" of her Catholic faith, and the Christian Defense Coalition says it is "unthinkable" that she would try to stimulate the economy by "seeking to reduce the number of children."

America needs to produce 2.1 children per couple to keep up with births to support the population -- and that rate is not being maintained. Economies in Europe have been especially hurt by a drop in birth rates.

******************************

Words cannot express how disappointed - not to mention disgusted - I am with this whole idea. Echoing Jaymee's recent expression...GRRRRRR!!! =(

The Gift of Life

2009-01-24T22:49:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure what to do for Gary's birthday. Faced with a few different options, I left it up to God and asked Him what would be best. Knowing my husband's fun-loving, "get-my-groove-on" personality, I thought the Freestyle L.A. concert w/Stevie B, Lisa Lisa, Expose, and Debbie Deb would be super-cool to take him to. For about five minutes, I even considered bringing him to an MMA fight! But I felt a nudge...a strong nudge...to keep it simple. We had lunch at Zov's Cafe & Bakery in Tustin (and bought YUMMY deserts to share with Em and Rob to thank them for babysitting Meleana!), hung out at the Moya's for a little while, picked up Lea, went to confession at St. Peter Chanel, then drove to Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral for the Archdiocesan Requiem Mass for the Unborn. It was PERFECT.

At the Mass, all of the music was about honoring the life of each child...of telling this generation about the new generation to be born...the readings brought comfort in knowing how much God loves each person He creates, no mater how long they live...and Cardinal Mahoney's homily spoke gently but firmly about the issues we need to be concerned about regarding abortion policy in this country. He assured us that the pro-life movement would continue to grow in strength despite the actions of any government or political leader because no one can thwart the plan of God. People can try, but God is the one in control. He is all-powerful, and if His people work and pray, His plan will come into fruition. Yes, there will be sacrifices. Yes, at times, it will look like we have lost. But there is always hope in knowing that our fight will see victory as we move in prayer and moral persuasion.

After Communion, a woman gave her testimony with two out of her three daughters about how both of them were born with cystic fibrosis. She was urged to have an abortion if the amniocentesis showed that the third one had the condition. She and her midwife did everything they could to save the life of her child, and she and her daughters standing together in front of the congregation 19 years later was a strong testimony to what choosing life really means. Both of the girls are attending universities and are contributing to the world as the good God intended. At the end of her mother's sharing, the youngest daughter invited us all to witness the presentation of 148 candles lit in honor of the 148 babies who were aborted in Los Angeles today. "At sunrise, they joined us in greeting a new day, and at sunset we had to continue on in this life without them..." The votive candles were brought up and placed around the altar, and 148 seconds of silence were offered in rememberance of them. I placed my hand on my tummy as the baby stirred inside of me, and all I could hear was, "Thank you, Mommy. Thank you, Mommy." I cried, and Gary reached for my hand and for Meleana's.

We needed to be there. This is why...

******************************

(Gary's email regarding political choices debated among his friends - sent Summer 2008)

Thanks for those questions to consider. I have thought about those situations before, and I have talked to Marianne about those situations, "What if our baby was born with a dysfunction or disfigured" and we found out early in pregnancy. Or "What if your life is at risk?" And the answer to when the mother's life is at risk is in the life of St. Gianna Beretta Molla.

St. Gianna was a doctor, a normal mother of 3, and married to a wonderful husband. On her fourth baby, she found out from her doctor that she had fibroma of the uterus. She had three options: 1) an abortion, which would saver her life and allow her to have more babies, 2) a hysterectomy, which would save her life but take away the unborn baby's life, or 3) remove the fibroma, in which the baby may survive with the risk of complications for her or the baby. Through her Faith and prayers and talks with her husband, they decided to have the baby. Gianna believed that the baby's life was more important than her own and told the doctors prior to delivery to save the baby's life. Her exact words were, “If you must decide between me and the child, do not hesitate: choose the child - I insist on it. Save him”. The baby was born April 21, 1962 and her name was Gianna Emanuela. 7 days later Gianna died inspite of treatments. In pain, her last words were, "I love you, Jesus. I love you, Jesus." Today Gianna Emanuela is a doctor, just like her mom. Gianna was beatified on Mother's day in 1994 and on May 16, 2004 she was canonized a saint by Pope John Paul II. She is the first canonized woman, physician, and professional. She is a saint for mothers and parents; a model of virtue, holiness, motherhood, professionalism, and devotion.

It's a beautiful story of a parent's sacrifice and faith for the love of a child's life no matter what the cost. St. Gianna's husband did become a single parent, did not remarry, and raised 4 kids of on his own. But they all grew up to be good people, especially Gianna Emanuela. And they all lived to see her canonized a saint.

To answer what if "more likely than not" be born with a brain that had missing parts thus making it's life very difficult and dysfunctional?"If a baby is born with part of his brain missing which leads to dysfunction?"

That's a tough one and confusing. Well, if a baby is born with an incomplete or a partly functioning brain, does that mean the brain or body will not function? No. The brain will function, but not that well. The extent of difficulty for the brain to function is different from case to case. But there is the option of therapy for brain-injured kids. Marianne bought a set of books authored by Glenn Doman, who pioneered the treatment of brain-injured children and babies born with dysfunction. He successfully helped these babies and kids become more functional than their previous state. These kids may not ever be 100% like you or me, but they are functional, as to walk, talk, or grip a glass. Glenn Doman founded the Institute of Human Achievement in 1955 in which he treats his patients and helps normal kids become more physically and mentally intelligent with the same therapy. If we were to reference to our Faith, in the Catechism of the Catholic Church pp. 2274, "Since it must be treated from conception as a person, the embryo must be defended in its integrity, care for, and healed, as far as possible, like any other human being. Prenatal diagnosis is morally licit, "if it respects the life and integrity of the embryo and the human fetus and is directed toward its safeguarding or healing as an indivudual...It is gravely opposed to the moral law when this is done with the thought of possibly inducing an abortion, depending upon the results: a diagnosis must not be equivalent of a death sentence." And don't forget the fifth commandment, "Though shall not kill."

St. Gianna sacrificed her life for the greater good of her baby's life. Jesus showed care for the tax collector, protected the prostitute, healed the sick, and died for the sins of mankind. What if my baby, Meleana, was born mentally retarded; mentally deficient - slow, lack of motor skills, lack of sensory skills; blind; deaf; paralyzed; no arms; no legs; or with more limbs? Would I love her any less? Would I, as a parent, not try to help and care for her until I can't anymore? Marianne is 31, but if she were to sacrifice her life so that Meleana can be born, wouldn't that be the greatest gift she can give to Meleana? What if Meleana was in an accident and became brain-injured, would I not want to care for her until she is totally brain-dead? Most importantly, wouldn't Meleana want to try to be as healthy as possible, no matter how difficult the path may be?

These are the views of the Catholic Church.

These next lines are my thoughts:

Sacrifice is one of the greatest actions or expressions of love. As a parent, I would want to not only express my love through hugs and kisses, but deeply through sacrifice, even if it means sacrificing my own life. I'm sure Marianne feels the same. If it's a monetary sacrifice to keep my baby healthy, we'll do it. If it's a physical sacrifice, we'll do it. Healthy or not, holding your baby in your arms is one of the greatest gifts God can give you. Even with our miscarriage the year before Meleana was born, Marianne and I were torn. But we know that since the day of his conception he was loved. And he was a great gift too, even if he was not born to live a long life. I say "He" because Marianne heard his voice say "It's ok, mommy. It's ok!" as the miscarriage happened. It was a little baby boy's voice. To this day, we call him, Little Gary. We believe that he sacrificed so that Meleana can be born.

If a parent is not willing to sacrifice for a baby, let alone for an unhealthy baby, I would want that parent to give the baby up for adoption so that a loving family (or just someone willing to care) can care for him. We may diagnose baby disorders, deficiencies, and dysfunction, but we do not know the outcome of a life lived. A baby's poor health can be difficult for both the baby and parents, but why then not try to have the baby and see what happens? Is a financial burden stopping the birth? Is physical disfigurement or dysfunction stopping the birth? Is this what the baby wants? Remember Special Games. It's not that God tests us with damaged babies, but He allows us to choose to love no matter what the cost. Who knows, He may choose us because he knows that we can care and love unhealthy babies. The question is, "do we have the faith and courage to find the strength and hope to be that kind of parent?" and Do we have the right to answer for those without a voice or who is unheard?"

As far as raped victims, I answered that in a previous e-mail. My aunt is a living example.

Bill Clinton passed the bill that allowed the partial abortion procedure. George Bush passed the bill to reverse the partial abortion law. Abortion is in the back of everyone's mind because everyone is concerned about our dead soldiers. But there is a study that calculated through the years that abortion (both legal and illegal) deaths total more than any war. (There's a Canadian Study on Youtube, hopefully it's not a sound byte). I'm not saying that the next president will pass a bill to allow it again, but it can be a possibility. And the sad thing is, that we do not include faith in our education system, except for Christian Schools and other religious schools, to truly understand how and why a life lived is okay. And how often are we reminded of St. Gianna or the views on abortion and the positive option of life and how we can successfully live it? This topic seems like such a small deal nowadays compared to the war and the economy, which are big deals in our minds right now.

Sometimes we make decisions for the sake of convenience. Can abortion be convenient?

Which politicians can we trust to defend the unborn babies? I know there is a clinic in Long Beach that does procedures. Tough choice.

This is why we pray for the babies being aborted, for our world leaders to make the right decisions, for parents to have the strength, hope, courage, and love, and the healing of the sick and handicapped.

...I don't usually evangelize, but if He calls me to share His Truth, then I must choose to. From Him through my fingers. Not for me..............

Have a blessed week,
Gary

******************************

Happy birthday, Gary... God definitely knew what He was doing when He brought you into my life! I love you SO MUCH!!! =)

always,
Marianne

a p.s. to those reading...the baby in the first pic is Gary, not Meleana! See how much of a "junior" she is! =)

A Voice for the Unborn

2009-01-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

I have always been pro-life. I have also been misunderstood, criticized, and judged for trying to speak up for children who have the right to live. Since the days of email debates with my friends years ago, I have not been as vocal because I didn't think that arguing with them was worth it. So I spoke up in other ways. I taught my students to value the dignity of every human person. I made sure they understood why abortion was wrong. Every night I prayed for the babies in danger of abortion. And ever since I knew I was pregnant with my first child in October 2006, my voice has grown much stronger. Maybe not louder, but the strength of my convictions has developed so much more because I BECAME A MOTHER.

As most of you know, I lost my first baby. He was five weeks old when he stopped growing in my womb. That didn't rob me of the opportunity of being a parent because he was my son from the moment he was conceived. I fed him, I nurtured him, I talked to him...and after he passed and went home to the Father, he talked to me, too. He still does.

I thank God every day for that pregnancy, even if it did not reach the full term. Nothing about it was a failure...everything about it helped me appreciate life and the blessing I now have in both Meleana and the child whom I carry today. I don't know why God did not allow Little Gary to be born and the other two to live. But the length of their lives is His call, not mine. So when I think about the millions of children who could have lived but were forcefully removed from the womb, I feel so incredibly sad. Last night I had tears welling up in my eyes as I watched Meleana sleeping next to me. She is a miracle...though, yes, she was conceived naturally...she was created out of God's love...made with a soul of her own...a soul that Gary nor I had anything to do with in its coming into existence.

I was impressed by President Obama's charisma and intelligence. I could see how many in this nation looked to him as a symbol of hope for all people. I admired his eloquence and good will. But I could not support his views on abortion. That was the first and foremost issue that determined my vote. Of course I am concerned about the economy. Of course I am concerned about the wars we fight overseas. Of course I want all Americans to know that it is possible to be elected President if you are a person of color. But who is to speak up for the voiceless unborn if we do not?

One day after the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, he lifts the ban on federal funding for international organizations who support or perform abortions. People say this will help the overall outcome of women's health...

"Women's health has been severely impacted by the cutoff of assistance. President Obama's actions will help reduce the number of unintended pregnancies, abortions and women dying from high-risk pregnancies because they don't have access to family planning," said Tod Preston, a spokesman for Population Action International, an advocacy group. (taken from an article I read in Yahoo news today)

I can't swallow this. There is another way, America. Killing our children is NOT the solution to difficult circumstances that women today may face - whether medical, financial, emotional, or what not.

God help us... If we don't listen to Him, what will become of our society? What will become of our world?

"For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world."
+AMDG+

Best Friend Jenn

2009-01-17T00:30:00.000-08:00

I have the greatest best friend in the whole world! Jenn came to SJS today with Ethan, Shane, and her friend Cathy to drop off her birthday present for me. She made me a published book of my MySpace blogs! It's a bound book with cover pictures...in print and everything! I thought it was the coolest gift EVER! I totally wanted to cry when I unwrapped it =*) ...just because I've always wanted to write a book but never had the courage to do so. And even if it's not mass produced and available for sale, it's just as good because I can leave it for my family down the line.

It was so enlightening to read through those entries because I don't really use the site anymore and haven't even thought to go back and see how things have changed. Lots about Gary and my work at Verbum Dei...some stuff about Kappa and the hard lessons I've learned in life. I love it! Thank you so much, Jenn! You're always so thoughtful and you come up with the best ideas! That's why I love you! What a blessing you are to me!!! YAY for you! =) Whoohoo!

National Vocations Awareness Week

2009-01-15T23:13:00.000-08:00

Br. Chris came in to talk to all my junior high Religion classes today about vocations, and I was VERY impressed. I'm always impressed when he speaks because he truly lends his voice over to God every time. Br. Chris is a Franciscan who was hired this year as our Director of Youth Ministry at SJS, and I must say that I am so happy he is here. The kids need to witness the life of a relatively young adult committed to the religious life. He just connects with them so well, and he doesn't water down any of the Church's teachings. It's really great that we have role models, like him, Monsignor Norm, and Sister Donna Anne who are true to God and hold fast to the Faith. If I spent time with people like them when I was in junior high, I would've definitely considered following the call to the consecrated life way back then. Our kids don't realize how blessed they are to have this kind of opportunity...

The ways that God calls us to our particular vocations are very unique. In these first few years of being a wife and mother, I have become very aware of the challenges and sacrifices that marriage entails...but I trust that this is the vocation "wherein I can best serve God." He knows best what will draw me closest to Him, and He brought to me my husband who is the most perfect reflection of His love. Although Gary has his faults and I have mine, I can see how God, through His grace, continues to give us the patience and understanding to love one another as best as we can...to forgive...to "wash each other's feet"...to remind each other that our life's purpose does not find its end here on earth but extends into all of eternity.

Many a discussion has taken place recently about major decisions we will be making in the coming months, and we keep reaffirming our choice to forego the extra income in order for us to be present to take care of our children. Of course it's always a possibility for both of us to work full-time and buy nicer cars (instead of just the one we have now) or own a nice piece of property (as opposed to the one-bedroom apartment we currently live in), but neither of us had our parents around during those crucial formative years when we needed them the most. His parents were divorced...mine were both working long hours...and while we do greatly appreciate the sacrifices they made to provide for us materially, we look back and see how we would have made different choices if we just had more guidance as children.

Our living situation stresses some people out. But really...we're okay. We're not stressed out. Tired, maybe...but not stressed out. We're not worried about tomorrow because we're making other investments for the future of our family. My primary concern is helping my family get to Heaven and giving them the tools to be the best Christians they can be as they walk life's journey on earth. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be granted unto you." We're seeking the kingdom, and He'll grant to us what we need. Maybe not what we think we want or what others think we should have, but what we need.

I don't believe any of the decisions we have made since we got engaged have been foolish or irrational. They just reflect our priorities, that's all. Different, yes. Strange, perhaps. But for us, it's just the right thing to do. It may not work for everybody, and that's okay. I guess I just find it very satisfying (and a little amusing) that even though I was not called to take the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience as a Sister, we are living out a pretty simple existence as a family.

So for my vocation, I thank you, Father...for knowing best and directing me along this path.

Making a difference

2009-01-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

On the drive to our ob appointment, we were listening to Christian talk radio and heard a really great talk about how becoming a parent totally changes your life. At first this guy was saying how he and his wife were super-organized people before they had kids, and now that they have two children, they had to let go of their expectations and understand how they need to accept a different dynamic both at home and professionally. Later on in the talk, he made a very profound comment about how we shouldn't see children as an interruption but as our biggest investment in the future. He said that instead of writing a book to change the lives of people, we as parents are writing on a different "tablet"...one that is living and breathing and can go on to do things we could never do.

How wonderful that we can contribute to the world in such a positive way. I used to be scared to bring children into this world because society is so corrupt and morally dangerous, but how is anything going to get better if there are no longer parents who are committed enough to teach their children Biblical values? We might not have millions of dollars to give away to charities, but at least we can raise children who truly care about the poor and will fight for the dignity of every human being. So, yes, our reality - without a doubt - has changed dramatically since we became parents as well...and we will continue to adjust as we are blessed with more children...but with this kind of perspective, we can rest assured that this is what God wants for us and for the world.

p.s. Gary and I decided to start a blog for Meleana because 1) we met a dad working at a gym equipment store last summer who showed us one he made for his daughter, and 2) I don't have the patience to scrapbook. It might take a little while get it going but I'm happy I got it started! =)

+AMDG+

Happy New Year!

2009-01-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

I ditto Rob's entry...Emeline wrote an AWESOME blog entry about the trip to Florida and did a great job capturing all of the highlights. Vacation with family is always so much fun...it was a super-busy two weeks because Gary, Meleana, and I left for San Francisco the day after I got out from school. We stayed with his Auntie Mila for one night, then drove to Vallejo to visit his cousin Nelson and family, watched nephew Neil play for his freshman basketball team, stopped by cousin Robert's house the next day for lunch after Mass at St. Catherine's, went back to the City the next day and met his Uncle Tony from New Jersey, saw Dad and had lunch with Nelden on Monday and visited cousin Janet and family in Danville. Then we drove with Nelden to Merced to see Mom and Papa Ben for a day with chicken tinola, fried fish, and TFC waiting for us, as usual.

We headed back for SoCal on Christmas Eve and took the 101 instead of the 5 because we thought there might be snow on the Grapevine and didn't want to get stuck on the freeway. It took a while, but at least we got home safely at around midnight. On Christmas morning, we got up to help Gary's coworkers prepare food for the homeless on Skid Row and went with them to drop off the plates in Downtown. It was a good starting experience for our family because that's a tradition I always wanted to start during the holiday season. On the way to Mass at St. Anastasia, Gary and I were already planning next Christmas...getting everyone together to cook on Christmas Eve and sending the food out in the morning...we were really excited about it! After Mass, we had to repack for our Florida trip (going from chilly 50/60-degree weather to a warm 75-80 degrees in Palm Coast!)...then we met Em, Rob, Lyn-Lyn, Mike, and the kiddos for dinner with yummy food from Sam Woo's.

We had to leave for the airport at 9:30 so we said our goodbyes and drove back to LAX for our red-eye flight out. If you read Em's entry, she says something about traveling with Santo Nino. This is actually where it all started. My mom insisted that we hand-carry her pink Santo Nino from the BP house and bring it to Florida. We were wondering why she couldn't just bring it with her when she returned to Palm Coast in July, especially since we weren't sure if we'd have enough room for it, but we decided to take it with us anyway and somehow make space for the statue. I kid you not...with all the problems we were saved from, Santo Nino took care of us during the trip across the country, rather than the other way around...even upgrading us to first class on the second flight! I tried to follow the sequence of events in my mind - this happened because this didn't happen because we were sent to this person to talk to that person - but in the end, I just thanked Jesus that the "complications" actually worked out in the end. So when Em, Rob, and Jacob arrived in FL, we told them what happened and said we should always travel with a Santo Nino. There's much more to the story, but we too bought a little pink Divine Child from the Queen of the Universe Gift Shop to take with us whenever we drive or fly.

It really was a great trip. I was brought to tears when we were at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton for Mass because I remember going to the Blessed Sacrament late at night praying to God to tell me what His will for my life was. The last time I was in that church was during the summer of 2003, feeling very confused about the path He had planned. Never did I imagine that I would return with a husband and children five years later. It was the most amazing realization of His goodness and love. Since it was the Feast of the Holy Family, the pastor Fr. Jim told a story in his homily about a stay-at-home mother whose child begged her for more "stuff" like the other kids had. She looked at her son and said, "If you want me to go to work like the other moms just so I can buy you more things, I will...but that means that I won't be here with you anymore to take care of you." The little boy didn't say anything to his mother...he just threw his arms around her and gave her a big hug. We have been discerning lately about the direction to take with our family...not so much what do to but when to take the next step. That homily hit home for me, and I knew that it was God's way of reassuring me that we are making the right decision. Now it's just a matter of trust that things will work out in His time...

Yes, it was a great trip.

Time spent with God...time spent with family...that's just irreplaceable. We had such a good time in each other's company, and I'm very glad that Meleana got to hang out with Jacob. They're so funny, giggling and laughing with each other. I was pretty surprised at how quickly Meleana felt at home in Mommy's house and how fast she warmed up to her Lola, who she hadn't seen in six months. I'd been watching her try to adjust to all these people and places we'd been visiting during our vacation and it would take her at least a day or two to feel comfortable...but it was nice to see her so happy and at ease in Palm Coast. I think the city itself just lends itself to a more relaxed and laid-back attitude.

So here I am, back home with my little girl asleep on my lap...one more day of vacation left. Ah, such is life. And Baby Dyogi is kicking once again telling me to eat something. =) Until next time...

+AMDG+

"The first end I propose in our daily work is to do the will of God; secondly, to do it in the manner he wills it; and thirdly to do it because it is his will."

– St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

It's that time of year again...

2008-12-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

...flu season, I mean.

I just took a shower after 3 days (gross) because since Thursday/Friday I've been soooooo super-sick. First muscle aches, then chills, then 103 fever, and more chills, with a wonderful migraine throughout the whole thing. And Tylenol was not doing the job. I was about to go to the emergency room yesterday, but Gary was able to get my fever down to 101 with ice packs and lots of cold water to drink. Good thing because I was getting worried about the baby. My temp just got back to normal today after sweating it all out. Interesting how the body has its own thermoregulation system.

I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Now I just feel like I survived a train wreck. Nevertheless, I feel 100 times better right now than I did yesterday. Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers!!!

Lupus, I can put up with...but the flu is not my friend.

So I am currently quarantined in our bedroom and am only able to listen to Gary and Meleana playing in the living room. =( They'll come in every so often to see if I need anything, and she'll climb up onto the side of the bed to say hi. But she can't touch me because I'm sick. Please God, I hope neither of them catches this bug from me. Better me than them.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow just to make sure I'm all better before coming back to school...for everybody's sake.

While I've been resting, the little one inside has been moving around a whole lot. He/she is even more active than Meleana was. The punches, kicks, and somersaults are definitely reassuring, especially since I've been more sick this time.

I pray this next week is a better week. At least we'll be on vacation soon...

******************************

On another note, I'd been reading the blog of the Carmelite Sisters and I'm so inspired by how much of Christ's Light they live their lives with. It's hard sometimes to be so grateful for everything you experience - both good and bad - as you can see from my entry above. I'm just so glad that I can always look to them to remind me of the gracious spirit that we should all carry within us.

Carmelite Blog

Happiness is...

2008-11-29T22:53:00.000-08:00

...not comparing your life to anyone else's.

There will always be people in this world "better off" than you are, and there will always be people in this world "worse off" than you are. What's interesting is that the people you think are "better off" often struggle in ways that you are unaware of...and the people you think are "worse off" might have more to be thankful for than you do.

Just a thought sparked from a conversation that I had with my sisters a few days ago.

If you're constantly looking at everything other people have that you don't, you'll feel very unsatisfied with your own life. If you're constantly looking for everything that's wrong in everybody else's lives, you'll have a false sense of esteem for what you think you do have.

Moral of the story: Live your life as best as you can according to God's will for you. The only person you can really compare yourself to is the person He made you to be. The "best version of yourself", as Matthew Kelly says.

You can't even want to be the person you used to be since time and experience has changed you. But in the circumstances you find yourself, you can ask God how you can be more grateful and loving and generous and kind...more faithful and committed and honest...more like Him among the people He has placed in your life.

Another random thought: It always takes me a really long time to make Kris Kringle lists. I no longer like to accumulate things, and as time goes by, I've realized that I only buy what I really need. So when I have to make a list of things that I "want for Christmas", I have a hard time. Hmmm...

Meleana wasn't feeling well today. She puked all over Gary twice and looked horrible when I got home. Her tummy wasn't agreeing with the whole milk. It took a while for her to get better, but you should have seen her just laying there on his chest. So sad. Thank God that she was eventually up and about again after a few hours, running around saying, "Hiiii....!!"

=)

Happy Gobble Gobble!

2008-11-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

People send the funniest mass text messages on Thanksgiving. =)

I'm sitting at my mom's house waiting for my corn casserole to bake, so I thought I'd blog a bit. We split up the menu because there just wouldn't be enough time to cook all the dishes ourselves. So Gary and I picked the menu, printed out the recipes, bought the ingredients, and distributed everything among my family.

Here's what we're going to eat tonight...

Turkey
Apple and Pecan Stuffing
Spinach-Green Bean Casserole
Corn Casserole
Pumpkin Gooey (kinda like pumpkin pie)
Em's Pumpkin bread

We got the Corn Casserole and Pumpkin Gooey from Gary's friend Janina when his friends got together for their annual Thanksgiving potluck earlier this month. They were so good, we had to share them with the family. I'm so not the cook, but my husband definitely inspires me to try a few new things because HE'S so excited about the food. =)

A part of me is sad that our family is not complete tonight. In a perfect world - at least from my perspective - things would be different. But I can only say a prayer that one day, we'll all be celebrating together in the heavenly Banquet prepared for us by the Lord.

******************************

On another note, I finally got to see Dr. Wallace yesterday for an appointment. He's the doctor who wrote The Lupus Book, recommended to me by one of the mom's of two of my former students. I was hesitant to contact him because my case isn't extremely serious, and I figured he'd be super-busy, but my coworkers reminded me that I need to get whatever care it takes to get me back to 100% - especially since I'm pregnant.

So Gary, Meleana, and I drove to his office across from Cedar-Sinai, and there wasn't even a wait! I was shocked, simply because my last specialist was always overbooked and I had to wait at least 45 min to an hour just to see him for 10 minutes all the way in Santa Ana. Particularly impressive was the fact that he did a FULL exam, and I was able to get my blood drawn right there in the office. Apparently he treats Paula Abdul and a few other celebrities struggling with rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and fibromyaligia - so he's gotta be the best of the best in his field.

I felt really good leaving his office because he definitely knows what he's doing. Praise God...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Word of the Day: "Doggie"

2008-11-15T00:30:00.000-08:00

I was reading to Lea today, and I pointed to a puppy in one of the pictures. "Doggie," I said to her. "Doggie," she repeated back. Then she flipped through the pages of the book and had me come back to the page with the puppy. She took my finger and had me point to it again. "Doggie." That was the only word she would say. I'd point to other things and say their names: kitten, ant, worm, dress...she'd just look at them...but whenever I came back to the puppy, she would say it again, "Doggie."

I was sharing with my 6th graders today that we all struggle with various temptations throughout our lives, and that I continue to fight against my own temptations every day - especially when I am frustrated with a person or a situation and I just want to vent instead of praying about it and giving it to God. So last night, I was talking to Gary about someone that I was losing my patience with, using a tone and an attitude that was not very Christian-like. In the middle of the conversation, Meleana happened to reach under the futon where we keep her reading cards, pulls one out, and walks over from the living room to hand it to me in the dining room. I take the card from her and tell her what it says..."JESUS". In that moment, the Lord brought me back to a previous lesson I had shared with my kids about how we need to understand that "whatsoever you do to the least of My brethren, that you do unto Me." And so I decided to stop my ranting. It was a good reminder...

My child can talk!

2008-11-12T19:25:00.000-08:00

"Lea..."

"Mama..."

"Daddy..."

This is what I've been waiting for! I LOVED having conversations with Leilani when she first started talking, and now here Meleana is actually beginning to say words! She still has a ways to go as far as putting sentences together, but she'll at least repeat words that we say to her (especially when we're showing her reading cards). And when we say, "Thank you," she utters her own version of "You're welcome"!

Her favorite books are The Story of Mary (still!) and Goodnight Moon, both given by my sisters. When I ask her to find those books, she knows exactly which ones to pick up. And last week at the school Mass, she was raising her hands with us as we prayed the Our Father. My kids caught me laughing because it was the first time we'd ever seen her do that! I was also sharing with Jenn and Lyn-lyn that on Monday night, she was imitating one of the couples doing the fox trot on "Dancing with the Stars"...I think there were three moves she picked up...haha!

It's SO amazing to watch kids grow up. When I see Leilani reading to the little ones, Jacob singing with his mommy, JJ playing the ukulele, and all the King kiddos behaving so well every time we see them at Mass, it makes me so grateful that I'm able to share the experience of being a parent among family members who celebrate motherhood and fatherhood.

It's so sad that people look at having children as a burden - an unfortunate event that encroaches on your personal freedom. If anything, being a mother or a father opens up your life AND your heart to a world of innocence and purity that we once knew long ago. You can't get this kind of joy any other way. That's why I was so happy to run into one of my friends recently who was able to adopt 2 beautiful little girls after suffering her own series of miscarriages. There's this space within each and every one of us that not only needs to be filled with love, but wants so badly to share that love with children who depend on us for everything.

My last entry was begging God for an experience of His love. I thought I was looking to receive it, but He knew that I needed to be the giver this time. Shortly after writing that post some weeks ago, Meleana got sick. It wasn't serious and it didn't last very long, but Gary and I had a couple of really rough nights with her where we hardly slept during those 48 hours. I remember holding her in my arms, praying that she would be okay...not so I could get rest, but so she wouldn't have to suffer. I wanted to make the sacrifice because I loved her. It was then that the longing was fulfilled, and my spirit was able to rest in the comfort of knowing that God was calling me to something deeper than what I thought I needed for myself.

Emeline has been writing about a new revelation in her own spiritual life, and I feel like I am going through something similar but in a different kind of way. The one thing I do share in her journey is a renewed sense of faithfulness and commitment to the every day duties placed before me, in every aspect of my life. No, it's not about the spiritual highs anymore. Granted I do get excited when I see God working, but life has settled down into such a state of serenity - even in all the busyness of our schedules. There is a peace...a calm...a wonderful "knowing" that God is in control...

Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I can also feel Dyogi baby #3 moving around a lot more these days. Or maybe it was that we also got to hear Bill Cosby speak live and in person about the road he traveled to get where he is today. Or could it have to do with my once again hearing the stories and saw the faces of the students at Verbum Dei, reminded of the good work being done that so many people take for granted? Or maybe because we were able to attend a full seminar given by Dominic on life after death that truly put this all in perspective. Or could it have been the opportunity we had to watch my SJS boys during their football game because God really did tell me that we'd be able to see them play? It could also be the faith and courage of one 8th grader who led the rosary for his family who was mourning the loss of a cousin killed in front of his own girlfriend. Not to forget the phone conversation I had with one of my coworkers/parents who is recovering from a major surgery, as she envisioned Jesus standing over her among the doctors and nurses who cared for her at such a vulnerable time.

Blessings abound. Blessings always abound, even in our broken world. I don't think God ever runs out of ways to show us that He's here.

Sure, tomorrow holds many hopes and dreams and a million possibilities. But today there's so much to be thankful for.

"Please don't waste the Blood of Jesus"

2008-10-27T02:01:00.000-07:00

Precious words from an amazing homily I heard today at Mass.

There is a spiritual aching in my heart for more...more of Him...a thirst for His love and consolation...a desire to keep Him first. It hurts so much that it feels like a form of suffering...so much that I can't even cry the tears hidden behind the mask I wear...and something weighs my spirit down, making me so incredibly sad.

I don't know what else to do except to ask Him for what I need...because I can't even tell what that is...what will fill me up and help me reconnect.

My relationship with Him is strong, but not strong enough. I don't want to just reach out for His hand and feel His grip around my wrist. I want to fall into His arms and experience the depth of His love.

So even this aching...I will offer up to Him,
and pray that He will hear the cry of my heart.

Amen.

+AMDG+

"God gave Himself to you: give yourself to God."

– Bl. Robert Southwell

God's greatest gift

2008-10-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

Yay! =)

2008-10-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been hot...but it's days like today that I'm kinda glad we live out in the Westside because it's even hotter in BP.

Anyway, I just want to say thanks to my familia for hanging out at the Ukulele Festival this past weekend. It was SOOOO great!!! Very reminiscent of Hawaii where we were sitting under a big tree in the park listening to live Hawaiian music. What was even better was seeing all the folks walking around with their ukuleles, just hanging out and going to all the workshops. Not a huge crowd but I really liked the experience. I also learned different strumming patterns and picking exercises from the instructor who taught Jake in Hawaii! Gary even ran into the moderator of LMU's Hawaiian Club who he knew when he was in college. Super-excited about the electric tuner we bought. I'm so motivated to get more hours of practice in! =)

On a side note, I've come to the conclusion that I really like the month of October. We celebrate the feast of St. Therese on the 1st, the Guardian Angels on the 2nd, St. Francis of Assisi on the 4th, Our Lady of the Holy Rosary today, Meleana's birthday on the 14th, the feast of St. Teresa of Avila on the 15th, and St. Paul of the Cross on the 20th. My parents also got married on the 18th, which makes it even that much more special. It's a little crazy at work with ITBS testing and Parent Conferences, but there's just a spirit of calm amidst the waves I guess you can say. I was stressed out a few days ago, but things are better now. The prayer routine I have with the kids, daily Mass at SJS, and those spontaneous conversations with Jesus help tremendously.

I noticed that some days my tummy looks big and on other days, it doesn't. Very slow weight gain this time around compared to the pregnancy with Meleana. I've only put on 4 pounds since the very beginning. I guess that's good because it's very controlled. Being married to Gary has given me a great appreciation for good food, but I've been disciplined enough not to eat too much of it! I'm determined to keep my sugar levels low enough so that Dr. Baggot doesn't cut EVERYTHING out of my diet like he did last time! I'll have to get some tips from Jaymee... =)

Okay, enough rambling... TTFN!

Where has the time gone?

2008-09-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I should let you know (b/c some of you don't)...

I'm 13 weeks pregnant with Kid #2! (well, actually #3 counting Little Gary) Lots of mixed emotions surrounded the first couple of months after finding out - for various reasons - but I've been very grateful ever since we found out. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant is something that I think many people take for granted because they don't realize what kinds of challenges some women face in order to conceive and to carry the pregnancy to term. So I see this child, and every child I have, as a gift...another opportunity to stretch my heart (as Jaymee says) and teach me how to love more deeply than I did before.

Meleana is growing very well and very quickly! She is now starting to walk on her own, though she does not yet have the agility and balance to prefer moving upright as opposed to crawling. It's so cute to watch her hobble across the living room with her arms stretched out in front of her, grinning from ear to ear. She is also very affectionate - like her dad - always giving me kisses, and kissing all of her stuffed animals. Ati Leilani is her favorite playmate, though she is getting more and more and more comfortable with JJ and Jacob. She loves to tug on Jacob and follow JJ around wherever he goes. It's great seeing the kids together...I can't wait for her to have a sibling so she'll have someone to play with at home, too.

Work has been busy lately, but I'm holding up pretty well so far. My classes have been going well, and my students are super-involved in our discussions, which is always nice. There's so much about our faith to share with them, and it's pretty amazing to see them want to grow and pass on the knowledge they gain at SJS. I'm also enjoying my Literature and English classes because I feel like I have a better handle on the curriculum and can do a whole lot more integration than I have in the past. There are some days where I don't quite get a minute to myself, but I must say that I'm having tons of fun doing what I do. There's so much that I learn from the kids and their parents every year, and I always appreciate being a part of their lives in such a special way.

So that's my update so far. Other than hooking up with Lyn-lyn and company to perform at Oktoberfest, there isn't much more going on with us. The weekly hula practices are great catch-up time for me and my sisters...definitely good for us since we don't see each other as often as we would like. We'll move back someday...someday...right, God? =)

Catch up!

2008-09-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog...

Started school on 8/27...great class...awesome first few weeks of school...lots to do but trying to pace myself better this year. Third year at SJS is so much more comfortable...finally feeling "settled" and daring enough to try even more new ideas. It's pretty exciting. This is what my third year at St. Paul felt like, and I really did enjoy the experience of not having to acclimate so much...just growing my roots deeper in a place that encouraged me to share the Faith.

Then there was SCRC...SO NICE to be there...saw coworkers, old friends, people who had walked with me over the years...met a wonderful Carmelite Sister - Sr. Catherine Marie - who was a Candidate when I was discerning...met and intro'ed Charles Whitehead (who I only knew from all the articles I read as Servant Leader)...visited Jesus in the Adoration Chapel...always calling me closer...remembering what He gave me through the Charismatic Renewal...thanking Him for those who keep it very much alive.

Facebook...finally joined after Jenn's coaxing and I'm so glad I did. Reconnecting with high school friends who I never thought I'd see again...Katie, Anahita, Angela...it's crazy to realize how fast we've all grown up after graduation 14 years ago. Found out Katie lives not too far from us and Anahita has a baby, too! Can't wait to see them again. And it dawned on me that when I was younger, my group of friends was so incredibly diverse - different ethnicities and religions, different experiences and interests - but we loved each other because we were friends. It's something I do appreciate about going to a public school...developing that respect for differences...drawing upon our shared humanity that bound our friendships together. A microcosm of the world in a way...

LSS...praying for another outpouring of the Holy Spirit...asking again for conversion...sharing with Chentel that the gifts need to be nurtured in an environment that encourages their use...otherwise when God calls you, you tend to be more hesitant...wondering if it's something you "should still be doing"...healing, prophecying, interceding...when once I knew the kind of community the early Church had been...seeing miracles happen...watching hungry souls being fed. There is a reason why I was brought to that group...there is a reason why we all were...He wants us to understand the Church for what and who She truly is...in all her fullness...with all His power...strengthened by the Sacraments...grounded in the Word and Sacred Tradition...and flourishing when Her members are empowered by the Spirit to do as Jesus did, to love as Jesus loved, to serve as Jesus served. No, it isn't about the feelings anymore. It's about what I know and believe to be true based on the promise of Christ to send His Advocate...as the Apostles were called forth in the Upper Room...it's about continuing mission of the Christian Church in the New Testament.

Yes, life happens and it is quite busy...but each day is an offering to Him and I want to live it as such. Praying, Lord...please help me plan my days that I might go and bear fruit that will last (Jn 15:16). Amen.

Fire tries iron

2008-08-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

So interesting what sparks and inspires the soul to get up and move again...to realize that something needs to be done for its own renewal...even if its "coming around" is triggered by a flood of tears flowing through the cracks of a broken heart.

CONSECRATION...nothing without You, Lord...stay humble and little...let Thy Name be praised, not mine; let Thy work be magnified, not mine; let Thy Holy Name be blessed, but let nothing be attributed to me of the praise of men....seeking to be poor in earthly things, but rich in grace and virtue...precious and beloved in the sight of God...as my life on earth continues facing the temptations that show me who I truly am...striving to learn what is the acceptable and perfect will of God for the beginning and the perfection of every good work.

ONCE UPON A TIME...has come and gone. Life, in all its dynamic changes, is never the same. We can wish for the simpler days to return, but what wisdom we would lose in the experiences we have gained. I want my relationship with Him to be what it needs to be for the stage and vocation I am in right at this very moment. How I longed for the "self" I had been when I had first fallen in love with Him, when everything was so exciting and new...but I now understand that I must desire a deeper commitment that reaches beyond the feelings...a faith that keeps me FAITHFUL...a love that I continue to choose every day, no matter which direction the winds may blow. And this relationship cannot be dependent on the people in my life...though they are so special and helpful in my walk with Christ...but when they leave or take different paths, in the end it's just Him holding my hand...keeping my eyes set on the promise of Heaven.

How incredibly blessed I am because He loves me. I am smiling because He is filling the God-shaped hole in my heart with Himself. And that's exactly what I needed...

Thank you, Jesus.

Tidbits

2008-08-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

CONSECRATION...Day 1 - asking for a pure heart...Day 2 - asking for humility...Day 3 - judge not, and don't be afraid to seek from God what I need. Praise God for spiritual munchies. My soul was hungry, and I'm so happy that there's always food around to satisfy us. It was really nice visiting Jesus at St. Dominic's for the first time with Meleana, even if it was for just a few minutes...

CHOICES...not everyone is going to agree with what we do, how we raise our families, and decisions we make in life. When we started our journey as parents, I had to accept the fact that certain family members would be in stark opposition to the direction we were headed in. Sometimes I have to beg God for the patience when we are told that our methods are wrong or we are making poor choices, and I constantly need the humility to just zip it when I am personally being criticized. Honestly, it hurts because we don't try to intrude into other people's business...we only offer support where we know it fits best and is most needed. I think every family feels what I feel to an extent...some maybe more than others...and it's hard...but thank God for good advisors and priests...and most especially for the peace that comes when you know you are really okay in His eyes. So (*sigh*) I'm letting it go...

E-PORTFOLIO...I actually finished it two weeks ago. It's not the most elaborate website, but it sums up the last two years of my educational experience at LMU. Since my core subject (Religion) isn't part of the CA Credential Subject Requirements and Standards, I focused much of the evidence and assessments on Language Arts, but since I am a Catholic school teacher, I had to sprinkle it with mention of God's place in this particular ministry. He's why I'm here, so of course I had to give him credit. =) Now I'm officially done with my Master's program, but I just have to finish up two more portions of the credential. This means I need to continue teaching for another two school years...which wasn't in the original plan, but it'll all work out somehow. All in God's time... Here's the link to the ePortfolio, if you want to check it out! http://msdyogi.googlepages.com/

VACATION...is almost over. =p I've needed the rest because the past two months have been exhausting without having to teach, for various reasons...I'm hoping that I'll get a burst of energy when I'm back with the kids, but I will miss being with my baby. How the heart aches...moms who work know what I'm talking about!

Okay, time to go. Nice to blog a bit again...I'll be back again later!

Just let it out!

2008-07-31T22:51:00.000-07:00

I used to be really good at holding things in. When something would bother me, I wouldn't want to let the other person know because I figured that if I said anything, they would a) get mad at me, or b) think I was being stupid. Some years ago, 90% of the time this was true...so as time went by, I just learned to keep my mouth shut and no one ever knew anything was wrong.

Now that I'm older (and a little wiser), I know that it's best to try and communicate how I am feeling because I remember that when I'd just stuff my issues away, they'd eventually blow up in my face...or rather at the person I was upset with. It's really nice to be open and honest...to have a good, productive conversation about how a situation can improve if both parties are willing to listen to one another.

Thank God for the grace to spill my guts without running into a brick wall or having it get emotionally messy. Gary noticed I'm getting better at it.

I also very much appreciate the fact that SPC has confession every day. I just went last Saturday and needed to go again yesterday because I uncovered MORE issues I was dealing with...stuff from the past that I never let go of. It felt great to be there...to see Fr. Ed again and get his advice...to visit Jesus and hang out with Meleana in the courtyard.

Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been super-busy working on this ePortfolio for my credential. It's a lot of work but definitely a GREAT way to reflect on my career and what I do for my kids. I'll share it with you guys when I'm done!

Before I go, I have to give you a Meleana update. As of today, she...

climbs up and down the futon all by herself
stands by herself for a few seconds with a huge smile on her face and her hands above her head to keep herself from falling over
takes my hands and makes me clap for her when she knows she did something to be proud of
takes my hands and squishes my cheeks...she loves it when I make a chipmunk face and she pushes the air out of my mouth
can now find me in the bedroom when she knows I'm in there working
does this feet-stomping dance, like she's in a hillbilly ho-down
crawls away when we try to change her diaper...I am now mastering the lap change
tried to feed me her bottle...haha =)

Amazing how she's growing so fast. I will be so sad when summer is over, but I'm very, very grateful that I've had these past couple of months to spend with her and Gary. Teacher vacations are AWESOME. But of course, being home with her full-time will be AWESOM-ER!! =) God willing, someday soon...

Nothing is impossible with God

2008-07-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?' The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'. They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.'

To which, his father said 'Yes'

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island .

Father and son went on to complete the race together. View this:

We often take for granted the grace that God gives us to get through our struggles. Paralyzed by our own fears and psychological handicaps, we tell ourselves that our goals and our dreams are unreachable...our problems too big...our self-esteem too low...never good enough to "shoot for the stars". God is like this father - yet infinitely even more loving, more powerful, more determined to get us to the Finish Line. He wants us to trust that He can get us there...that He will see us through to the end. He wants us to believe that WE will do it together - with the grace and the strength that HE ALONE provides.

Before watching this video, I honestly felt stuck in a number of possible personal endeavors - telling myself that I couldn't do it because of this excuse and that uncertainty. Knowing that these "projects" are things He wants me to do in order to help people wasn't enough. I was too afraid of failure...of judgment...of not making it there. This story shows that truly NOTHING is impossible with God. He has been our Source of Life since the beginning of time...orchestrating our creation long before we walked this earth...just so He could love us. How can I look at Him and tell Him that He's too limited to help me and and all those who say, "Dad, will you take part in this race with me?"

MY GOD, I LOVE YOU. PLEASE HEAL MY UNBELIEF...

The best things in life are free

2008-07-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

So they say you have to have the big bucks to "live the good life", but I beg to differ. I think it's so awesome how the simplest things can make us happy and they don't even cost a dime. Hanging out with family, taking a nap with your kiddo, or joyfully anticipating the birth of a child...these are just some things that some of you have recently talked about...special moments that a million dollars could never buy. The smile of our own little girl is absolutely priceless, and it's so wonderful that even strangers will take the time to say hi to her and see her face brighten up.

God is so good to bless us so much. At Mass today I thanked Him for the free gift of Himself in the Eucharist...the sustenance for our souls...for the life of grace He so generously pours upon us. I really don't think it's possible to have such appreciation for these gifts without faith in God. That's why we are so grateful to have family and friends who share our beliefs and remind us that we should never take the little things for granted.

If we can experience this kind of happiness and peace now, just imagine what Heaven will be like...

Musings

2008-07-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

I just got back from taking a walk with Meleana through downtown Culver City. We walked Gary to work and then hung out on in front of Restaurant Row. She's so cute when she smiles at the people strolling by. Just yesterday she started talking again. Gary and I were surprised because she hadn't really said anything in two weeks. She'll laugh and giggle a lot, cry and scream every once in a while, but no babbling. It's funny because she would make this "Yoda face" and blow air through her closed lips, like she's trying to say something but nothing would come out. So now she's back to "ba-ba-ba-ba".

Last night she learned how to climb up on the futon. She also knows how to find me in the apartment. If she's with Dad in the living room and she knows I went to the bathroom, she'll crawl over and greet me through the door with her adorable toothless grin (well, she's got a tooth in the front poking out). She still makes "zerberts" when she's bored and her favorite pastime is pulling out all the DVDs from the shelves after she's done flipping through the pages of her "The Story of Mary" book. Every so often we'll put her in her makeshift Pampers boxcar that Gary made her and take her for a ride across the living room floor, though most of her day is spent exploring and learning as much as she can about our humble abode.

We're still teaching her words and numbers as much as we can, though we haven't moved as quickly through the program as Doman prescribes because I've had a hard time keeping up with making the cards. Nevertheless, she really likes it so we're just going to try to step it up again now that I'm on vacation. She loves the Word World segments on YouTube, and since she sees me on the computer a lot, anything she gets to watch on the computer is always a treat for her.

Word World is now one of my favorite kid shows - it promotes children's literacy through this world that is made up of words. Everything is spelled out...from the characters' bodies to their houses and their furniture. It's pretty neat because it uses literacy concepts like phonics and word segmentation to stimulate reading. What's interesting is that Don Moody was inspired to create the show as his young child was growing through the early developmental stages. He himself was a Title I student who knew the importance of building a solid foundation in early childhood literacy. For those of you with little munchkins at home (or want to have a little munchkin someday), check it out! It's on every day at 10:30am on PBS.

Happy Anniversary!

2008-07-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

To celebrate two years, Gary, Meleana, and I attended Mass at SPC, had lunch at Macaroni Grill, then drove down to San Diego and stayed overnight at The Catamaran in Mission Bay. Kudos to Jaimee for recommending this place for our little getaway! She told me about it last year, so I thought we could try it out since a trip to Hawaii isn't in our budget this year. =)

It was overcast and chilly on Tuesday so we didn't get to go swimming, but we had a really nice view of the bay from our room and got to watch a torch-lighting ceremony with a half-hour hula/Tahitian performance, complete with a fire-knife dance! For dinner, we went to Nick's Seafood and had Sesame Crusted Ahi, Mustard Crusted Salmon, and this DELICIOUS tiramisu for dessert! I wanted to finish it but I couldn't because I was so full, but it was soooo good!!!

On Wednesday, we strapped the baby in Gary's Snugli and walked around Pacific Beach to the Pier where they have these little cottages built right above the ocean. They were really cute, but I don't think I'd get a good night's sleep hearing waves crashing right below me. =p On the way back home, we stopped by Torrance to eat dinner and buy some bread from King's Hawaiian so I could make grilled cheese sandwiches. I'm super-excited to make them because 1) they're very yummy, and 2) I can't mess up cooking them...hahaha =)

Even if we're on a limited cash flow these days, it's nice that we still managed to fit in a mini-vacation of some sort for our anniversary. We could definitely do San Diego again or go back to Glen Ivy (last year's spot), but next year we might try something new - who knows? With life so incredibly busy and time flying by at lightning speed, those yearly celebrations are worth taking time out to appreciate how precious our relationship is to us...

Greatest Days with Gary

2008-07-06T19:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was definitely a day that makes it on the "Greatest Days with Gary" list. Since we needed to postpone our July 4th plan to hang out with family, Gary, Meleana, and I spent early Saturday afternoon with Leilani at Splash in La Mirada. It was our first time there, and it was so fun! Meleana loved the water park - seeing all the different fountains and watching Ate run through them. The four of us went through the Lazy River (that's the COOLEST part)...Gary on an inner tube, Leilani swimming ahead, and me carrying Meleana in a baby life jacket. She was scared when we got in the water, but she got used to it after a while. Gary and Leilani are so funny - they did a Shamu show impersonation at the edge of the kiddie pool. =) It's too bad we don't live closer...we'd definitely get a season pass and go there all the time!

After we took Leilani home, we went to 99 Ranch Market to buy the rest of the ingredients for Gary's seafood boil. I had no idea what this dish was until I saw it being cooked on TV, and he had this urge to cook it so we planned a get-together at Em and Rob's house to make it for the family. You know, 99 Ranch is a lot nicer than it was back in the 90's when I used to go with my parents. It's cleaner and doesn't smell as fishy...and they have a nice little bakery, too. Honestly, my favorite section is the ice cream, but we had to go pick out some crawfish, shrimp, and crab. I don't know anything about buying seafood because I dreaded having to watch my dad handle the live crabs and throw them in the bag. So sad for the reject crabs that don't get picked because they are missing limbs...but I guess they get to live longer! The whole time we were there I was just imagining "Finding Nemo" and what the fish and crabs would be saying if they could talk...hehe =)

So we get to Em and Rob's and Gary hits the kitchen. Everyone else starts showing up and we're all pretty much hanging out as he's hard at work making this seafood boil. The effort he puts into the preparation of anything he makes is impressive, and so is the presentation. But THIS time, he outdid himself! It was AMAZING...even more so because it was his first try. Those who cook well are surely ones to be admired because it takes patience and a lot of care and attention to make food so delicious (that's why I just wash dishes!). We had a great time enjoying this wonderful meal...all gathered around the table in the backyard with the seafood spread mixed with sausage, potatoes, and corn...drinking Emeline's lemonade and finishing it off with Jenn and Dave's Nutella ice cream cones.

My husband finds so much joy from serving other people, whether it be cooking for them or helping them heal from an injury. It has been the greatest experience being married to him these past two years and watching him make people happy (most especially Meleana!). Thank you, Lord, for sending me such a blessed gift in Gary. What an awesome journey this is...

Happy Summer!

2008-06-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

To mark the beginning of summer, Yahoo's logo has this super-cool animated picture with kids going through a Slip-n-Slide. If you place the cursor over it, the sprinklers turn on and you see the kids one by one running and sliding across the screen. It reminds me of the summer days when we would go to our cousins' house in West Covina and play Slip-n-Slide in their front yard. Those were the days... =)

I haven't blogged in a while, so I must wish my sister and BiL happy belated birthdays, plus the rest of the June birthday gang (there are so many of you!). Happy belated Father's Day also to Rob, Mike, Mo, and Gary, of course!

These last few weeks have been incredibly busy with the end-of-the-year wrap up and my last Masters class. There were moments I didn't think I'd be able to pull it off, but thanks be to God for the strength and stamina to get through it. Now all I have to do is write my final comprehensive paper, complete my portfolio, do my 60 hours of public school observation, and finish the TPAs in the fall. Sounds like a lot, but after 2 years in the program, this last home stretch is a relief.

I would NEVER have been able to do it all without Gary. He's watched the baby while I've had to go to work and while I've written papers...made her baby food and changed her diapers...washed bottles and did her laundry...put her to sleep when she wanted to stay up later than me...got up in the middle of the night when she needed to eat...took multiple hits when she couldn't hold her food down during her coughing fits...brought her to the doctor and gave her medicine when she'd fight against it...cooked dinner every night...all with a smile on his face (when he wasn't extremely exhausted!)... He's just amazing.

This past week Gary went to St. Louis for his Athletic Training convention. It was my first time alone with Meleana for longer than a day, and I'm glad that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be without him. We had a lot of fun together...lots of good quality Mommy-and-Daughter time. We did miss him, though, and I wouldn't want the trips to be a regular occurrence like they were before. So ironic that it was just a couple of years ago when we were having conversations about a not-so-remote possibility that he could work for the Lakers...that it had always been his dream as a trainer to go Pro...not ever imagining that he would leave his job at a Division I school and give up his career to stay home and take care of our baby.

While we now talk about different options for him as we're looking to make the switch after this coming school year, he told me that his passion right now is Meleana. He will eventually go back to work, but he really is good at what he does at home. There was a recent segment on stay-at-home dads on ABC, and I wish that they took more time to give the world a better glimpse into the lives of these men. It's a huge sacrifice for them to take on a non-traditional role and care for their children while their wives are at work. I think I truly appreciate the effort I see from the stay-at-home dads because my dad took care of us during the times when he couldn't work. It was a little different for him because it wasn't so much of a choice (he really wanted to work), but Daddy did a wonderful job with us - which is why I had such a great relationship with him.

Last night we drove to Oxnard for our Uncle Lew's graduation party. The one-man-band was playing all kinds of music and Gary took Meleana out on the dance floor. I must say that it was one of most touching sights I have ever seen. It reminded me of my dad who used to dance around with me and try to teach me how to waltz when I was older. Gary said that he hoped I didn't feel left out, but I told him that I wanted to cry (in a good way) when I watched the two of them.

Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got here. I remember how much I would long to be a Carmelite...to sit in the choir and pray with the Sisters...to kneel in front of the Tabernacle every night to say good night to Jesus...to serve and love the Lord as my spouse and only love. But when God gives me moments to cherish with my husband and child...when I see my little girl smiling at me with her crinkled little nose...when she falls asleep peacefully in my lap just as she is now...I cannot second guess His plan for my life because it definitely is just as beautiful.

Tagged!

2008-06-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

So I decided to take a grading break and work on my 6 factoids! Here you go...

BROWN…is my favorite color. Ever since I found out that the Carmelites wear brown because it is the color of the earth, I’ve been drawn to wear it also. When I was teaching my 6^th graders at St. Paul about the Carmelite habit, they were the ones who noticed I wore it all the time. As Em’s closet has lots of blue, my closet has lots of brown. I try to buy other colors, too, but I end up defaulting to the earth tones when I go shopping for clothes, shoes, and purses. I thought I’d end up dressing my kiddo in brown, too, but little girl clothes come mostly in pink. At first I didn’t like the idea of having her in pink all the time, but it’s seemed to grow on me and I don’t mind it at all. =)

LITTLE GARY…is the name of our first baby. He was only six weeks in the womb when he left us, but I have a very special connection to him because he is still my child. We have an altar in our bedroom with mementos of him…a little framed picture of his last ultrasound, a figurine of a mother holding a little boy in her arms (given by Lyn-lyn), a picture of Jesus holding a baby in Heaven. Dr. Baggot gave us his rosary on the day when he broke the news about the miscarriage, and Meleana likes to carry it around and hold it when we are praying for Dad while he is at work. We even have Leilani’s drawings of Little Gary saying goodbye still posted on our refrigerator door (he looks like a peanut with a hand waving “bye”). He talks to me sometimes, especially when I pray to him for help when I’m feeling sad. It’s such a comfort to know that I have a child in Heaven who intercedes for our family here on earth. What a joy it will be to be with him again someday…

WATCHING GARY AND MELEANA SLEEP…is one of my favorite pastimes. I’ll wake up a little earlier than them and just smile as I spend a few moments each morning to appreciate the blessings they both are to me. I don’t ever regret making the choice we made to have the baby sleep with us at night because it just feels like the most natural thing to do. The cutest thing is seeing her lying on top of Gary while both of them are taking a nap together. They have a very special bond that has grown since he had begun staying home with her six months ago. She’s such a “Daddy’s girl”! My dad and I were very close and I’m so glad that Meleana will be able to share that kind of relationship with her dad.

COMPETITION…is not my forte, but I like to play games. Although I don’t have as much time or opportunity anymore, I get a kick out of board games, card games, and video games that aren’t too hard. When we were little we used to go to our cousins’ house in West Covina and play Bingo with the family. I remember the days back home when we would play Taboo, and our friends would be upset because my sisters and I had inside jokes and information that we could use to communicate with each other in order to win. Then we would play Scattergories at Crescent where Robby would make up answers and try to pass them off as legit (like “apple ice cream”…hehe!). In the early Monk days, we would get together at Shelly-O’s house to also play Taboo and Gestures – Alphas against Betas – and Jenn would get upset at Summer for gloating about their wins. I also used to play card games a lot when I was younger. It must have been at least ten years since I’d played Speed, but after our Newspaper Staff pizza party last Thursday, some of the kids asked me if I wanted to play against Michaela who was the fastest hand at SJS. I sat down in front of her, got a quick refresher on the rules, and I won! Mallory was quite proud of me – it was quite the accomplishment! And this summer, I think I’ll try to finish off Lego Star Wars on PS2. I bought it for Gary last year and was on a roll, but I haven’t touched it since last summer. I love this game because 1) I love Star Wars and 2) it’s easy! Well, except for the podracer level…but otherwise, I really like the little Lego action figures that go around fighting all the bad guys. It’s pretty cool. =)

HAWAII…I love everything about it…the scenery, the beaches, the people, the music, the dances, the culture, and the food! Our first trip to Hawaii must have been when I was in fifth or sixth grade (Kauai)…then we went again when I was in ninth grade (Kauai and Maui)…and again in 2000 when I graduated from college (Oahu, Kauai, and the Big Island)…then again in 2003 to plan Em and Rob’s wedding (Maui)…and in 2004 for Em and Rob’s wedding (Maui, Molokai, and Oahu)…and yet again in 2006 for our honeymoon (Big Island and Kauai). I have so many great memories from all of those trips…favorite places…favorite luaus and restaurants…and favorite churches, too! Whenever I was with my family, our big thing was going to scenic landmarks. We’d visit waterfalls, gardens, museums, plantations, and drive all over the islands to see as much as we could. I remember us kids getting seasick on a glassbottom boat tour…driving to Hana and almost falling off a cliff…appreciating the Maui sunset at the beach with my dad…going to the Smith Family Plantation and Luau for the first time in Kauai…being attacked by termites with Shell and Chel…going for morning runs with Emeline…listening to local music at the Kauai concert stadium on the 4^th of July…buying my first koa wood ukulele with Abie on Molokai…making a pilgrimage to Fr. Damien’s church…staying overnight at the Army camp on the Kiluaea volcano…seeing my first sea turtle up close and personal on the Big Island…taking the Na Pali Coast tour and watching a family of dolphins swim alongside our boat…taking pictures at PCC with Leilani as “my little hula doll”. When I recently went back with Gary, it was a different kind of experience because he’d never been to Hawaii, and it was so much fun introducing him to the places I’d been to before. Being the avid TV-watcher that he is, he would stay up and watch the island tour programs over and over again to find out what else we could do and where else we could go…and more importantly, where we could eat! We found really great restaurants and did a lot of things that I hadn’t experienced before – like going to a slack key concert, visiting the Kauai Cookie Factory, spending some time in praise and worship (and dance!) with a Samoan Christian youth group, and snorkeling on the northwestern reef of Kauai. Gary even taught me how to bodysurf! The only thing we didn’t get a chance to do was attend a Mass in Hawaiian – that will just have to wait until next time! We’d love to go back and take Meleana when she’s older, and also to share it with the rest of the family and her cousins. Hopefully someday!

THE ROSARY…is my favorite devotion. I pray it every morning on the way to work…something I started (on September 11, 2001 – to be exact) when I was working at St. Paul of the Cross. I noticed on days when I wouldn’t pray it for whatever reason, my days would not run as smoothly and I wouldn’t be able to handle my classes with as much patience. It really helped on my hour and a half commute to and from Verbum Dei, and now that Gary is working again, I find it very empowering to be able to pray for him while he is not home. I have had very special rosaries that I’ve chosen to give to people at very special times – my St. Therese rose petal rosary went to Brice at his uncle’s funeral; my first dogwood rosary was given to G-nee as a parting graduation gift; I gave my rosary made by Tito Johnny to Cecille after a tough break-up; another rosary of mine was given to Aly at her cousin’s funeral; and my 2^nd dogwood rosary was left as a thanksgiving offering on the grille of the Shrine of Our Mother of Perpetual Help in the Poland church where Pope John Paul II was baptized. And there have been rosaries given to me as well – Papa Jon loaned me his rosary during a very difficult time some years ago; Kevin H. gave me the rosary I use now which was made by his aunt; as I mentioned before, Dr. Baggot gave us his own rosary as a memento for Little Gary’s passing; and Michaela gave me a beautiful handmade rosary while I was pregnant to give to the baby when she was born. There is incredible value to praying on these beads. It was the daily Rosary that helped my family through the sickness and death of my father. When the survival of our first baby was in question, Dr. Baggot immediately suggested that we pray a Rosary together right there in his office. When I had to walk around the hospital for an hour to help the labor along, Gary and I prayed all four sets of mysteries without my feeling any pain the entire time. As I was pushing with all my might to deliver Meleana, Gary was beside me praying the Rosary until it was all over. There is no better way to journey through life than being held in the arms of Mary. Through trials and despair, in times of joy and success…she is there interceding for us in all of our needs.

Now I tag:

EILEEN and LEO! It's your turn! =)

I PASSED!!!

2008-06-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

I passed the CSET!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! =)

This means that I can move forward with my final credential class. I'm taking my last class for my Master's degree, but I was so afraid that I would have to take one or two of the subtests over again. Some of my classmates didn't have as much luck, but I hope they got it this time around.

But I'm so HAPPY!!!

I know I need to do my 6 random factoids, but (sorry, Rob and Em) it will have to wait until later this week because we have grades due.

It's pretty crazy trying to wrap up the year. I'm showing Therese to the 6th graders and Padre Pio to the 7th graders. I love how they're so into both movies. We stopped at the part where Therese enters Carmel and Padre Pio enters the monastery as a Franciscan. Perfect timing for a good vocations talk tomorrow. Can't wait...

BTW, please pray for my cousin Maurice. He officially starts police academy today!

Blogging

2008-05-31T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a technology class for Summer Session 1 at LMU, and it's interesting to reflect on this new digital culture that has developed out of such widespread use of technology. Cell phones, iPods, webcams, laptops, video games...the generation growing up in this day and age only knows what it is to live completely immersed in all of these things.

Take this blog, for instance. Anyone can read what I'm writing. Why do I choose to write it here and not in a paper journal? I have one, and sometimes I crack it open to jot down thoughts I don't need the whole world looking at. But there are times when I just want to BLOG. I want to sit down in front of my computer and type.

I think I blog because deep down I still want to be a writer, and blogging is a way to publish my thoughts while taking the risk that what I write will be judged, criticized, appreciated, or even shared. Of course, I don't get a whole lot of feedback outside of the occasional comment from my relatives and friends, but there is some satisfaction in this form of expression and seeing what I have written be "put out there".

It also doesn't take up any space. I have a box of notebooks in my closet - a collection of journals that span the course of maybe 5-6 years of my life. On this blog, I have a list of archived entries that I can browse through just by clicking a button. To add to that, I can add pictures! It's so nice to be able to look back at what I'd written months and years before, recalling good times and tough times, but constantly seeing the hand of God working in all of those instances.

What's interesting is that my blogging experience over the past five years has given me the skills to create a classroom blog that has contributed greatly to how I teach and make resources available to my students. I'm sure there's so much more I can do with it, but after just a year of using it, I'm amazed at the impact it has had in communication between me and my students. I can post Powerpoints and YouTube videos for them...the tagboard is available for them to ask me questions...website links are provided to support the content areas that I teach.

Here's the link so you can see what I'm talking about: http://www.sjs7thgrade.blogspot.com/

When we (the junior high teachers) first set up our blogs last fall, we found all these widgets for games to add to our blogs. I wanted to put Puzzle Bobble on mine because I LOVE that game, but I took it off...not because I thought it would distract the kids but because I was addicted to it!

Alas, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, and I'm excited to see what other modes of technology I can integrate into the curriculum. There's so much out there - it's overwhelming - but at least I'm learning.

Give us this day our daily bread

2008-05-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

Ever since I became a teacher, I have found myself praying this prayer in a totally different way than I had known before. Eight hours a day (actually 11, when you account for prep and grading) for five days a week with 100+ students over 6 subjects can definitely take a lot out of you. But when I just let God pick up where my energy leaves off, it's a much better day.

Some highlights of the week so far:

Upon asking donations to Catholic Relief Services for the victims in China and Myanmar, two of my 6th graders decided to set up their own lemonade stand on Sunday in the blazing heat. They raised $25 and were quite proud of themselves!
When asking for an example of an exorcism miracle today, one of my 7th grade boys brought up the Gospel from Monday's Mass. The some of the kids even remembered more of the details from the reading than I did. Sometimes I'm not sure if they're paying attention, but they actually are!
A few of the 6th graders let me know that they wished they had someone to talk to about things that are going on at home and at school, just to get advice or have someone simply listen to them. I offered an open ear because I knew how badly I needed the same guidance they were asking for...

One soul at a time

2008-05-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

A field of daffodils...
A shore of starfish...
A garden of souls...

...stories that teach us how important it is to make a difference one person at at time.

I'm not the best teacher in the world and my classroom is definitely not perfect, but we learn together - my students and I - about the lessons life has to offer. My fellow teachers know this is true every day. Something happens that we can't necessarily see...a molding and forming of heart and conscience...a deepening of faith and an understanding of relationship...opening eyes to new ways of seeing the world in its desperate brokenness...becoming more human in the feelings we let ourselves feel and the thoughts we are brave enough to express. I, along with them, change.

My daughter will someday sit before me and read about the richness of human history, learn about the mysteries of God, inquire about the intricacies of science...and eventually she, too, will enter a classroom and continue to grow in knowledge as she discerns what direction to take in life. How I pray that she will not be afraid to use her gifts...that she will always be encouraged to go where God leads her...that I as her mother will trust the Lord enough to let her stretch her wings and fly someday.

Much is stirring in my mind, dear Jesus. Please help me sort through what I cannot grasp...
conversion...examination...preparation...evaluation...memorization...contemplation... What I do not understand is already understood. What I cannot foresee is already in the works. You have my deepest desires cradled in Your hands, O Lord. And yet, I must gaze intently on the reflection of my own soul...why do I suffer so?

Because I...am afraid.

Caught in a whirlwind of "what-ifs" that threaten to rob me of my peace...and I run to You for shelter, my God of refuge and strength...as no one can know what I am truly experiencing, I should not fear judgment...since You alone know my heart.

Whoever thought that Ebenezer Scrooge could be an instrument of grace?

Past..present...future.

I am a collection of memories...an evolution of events...a consequence of disappointments...but still so much more than just a casualty.

Mother Angelica went through it, too.

Thank you for the pieces, Lord. I'm trying my best to pay attention and I hear You. I hear what You are trying to say. And my baby...little Gary...he speaks to me, too.

"Don't give up, Mommy. Don't give up."

I see his picture on our altar...our first child...and I remember. Everything has a purpose. While we may not see it right away, God allows each given moment - bitter or sweet - to grant us a great blessing.

Thanks be to God.

p.s. I'm taking two subtests of the CSET tomorrow. Believe it or not, reviewing for this test has made me extremely excited to teach this stuff someday. Please pray that I pass!

p.p.s. And I decided to extend my credential program. Why? I got sick last week and missed three days of work. It wasn't realistic for me to cram all that work into a month and a half, on top of May Crowning, Graduation, and closing up the school year. That means I'll be at St. Jerome for another year. God's will be done...

p.p.p.s. (I know, this should just be another entry) I read this today in Raymond Arroyo's bio of Mother Angelica: "These are the kinds of things, honey, that prove God's providence. We never know where the next penny's coming from. That's what I'm trying to get through people's heads: This is an act of God."

A for Effort

2008-05-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

"God doesn't expect us to be perfect...He just wants us to try our best."

I think I expect a lot out of myself. I suppose that's a good thing, in the sense that it contributes to a good work ethic...but sometimes I'm not realistic. Trying to do too much with limited resources (i.e., time and energy) leads to burnout (and in my case, a lupus episode).

My friends tell me that I need to let things go every once in a while...like not work so hard. I don't know how to do that, but I'm trying to learn. If certain things don't get done right away, it's not a big deal. So instead of fretting about how I need to do less, I'm just making an effort to give more time to who is most important.

When I opened the front door yesterday, Meleana was going nuts...like a puppy wagging her tail because she was so happy to see me. Gary said she was laying on his chest just relaxing, and as soon as she heard me unlocking the door, she started jumping up and down. I LOOOOOVE my little kiddo. =)

She gives me slobbery kisses on the cheek, all on her own. So it's not a major milestone as noted by the nations' pediatricians, but it's groundbreaking in my book!

Done with making plans

2008-05-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

I thought I learned my lesson years ago, but it's so easy to fall back into the old habit of trying to map out my life.

Just can't do it. The more I plan, the less control I have. But who ever said I have control in the first place?

Helllloooooo!!! Right, God, I remember now. You're the one who holds the world in Your hands. All time belongs to You, not to me. You know the future, so why am I trying to figure it out for myself?

They say, "When you want to make God laugh, start making plans."

I think God is past the point of laughter. He's shaking His head, waiting for me to get with His program.

Nothing about my life was on the To-Do list that was set up according to my own timeline. The marriage, the husband, the baby, the job, the move to LA, the Master's degree...if you told me five years ago today - May 9, 2003 - that any of this was going to happen, I would have thought you were absolutely CRAZY.

2003...wow, how things have changed...back then I was at a different place with different worries and concerns...wondering what God was going to do with me and how He was going to fix all the broken pieces of my life.

HE HAD A PLAN. He always has. Still the same God...nothing about Him has changed...and five years from now, I will look back at today and say, "Thank you, Lord. You pulled through for me once again!"

Now I'm laughing. =) What the heck am I worried about? I don't know. After thinking about it, everything is fine. Everything is perfectly fine.

Be at Peace

2008-05-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

Prayer of St. Francis de Sales

Be at peace
Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life;
rather look to them with full hope as they arise.
God, whose very own you are,
will deliver you from out of them.
He has kept you hitherto,
and He will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will bury you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same everlasting Father who cares for you today
will take care of you then and everyday.
He will either shield you from suffering,
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

- Courtesy of Courtney, 8th grade

******************************

One of my kids reminded me that when I don't know what to do, I must pray. Of course I knew that, but I wasn't fully surrendering it all to the hands of God like I should have been.

Then Saturday happened.

I wasn't sure what the Holy Spirit would do. I did know that He would pull through for me and give me the right words, as He always had done. I didn't plan on sharing my story, but Dominic told me to so I did.

After the talk, I met four people. One amazing woman who also had lupus and was going through chemotherapy. Another woman who said thank you with the deepest sense of gratitude I had ever encountered. And the most beautiful couple who had just lost their own child in miscarriage.

Tito Tom wonders why God still calls him to put these seminars together. On Saturday, I just happened to meet his answers.

I realized that if you are going to believe in God, then you have to trust Him with your whole being. This means knowing that He's there ALWAYS taking care of all your needs. It means seeing life with the eyes of faith and recognizing people as great blessings, even if they feel like crosses.

So maybe there is a price when it comes to saying "Yes" to God, but the miracles you get to witness and the joy that fills your heart when you experience His power and love are definitely worth the sacrifices.

Praise God also for my family...for my super-duper wonderful husband and my super-duper happy baby girl...for the people who help me grow in virtue...for my mom and my brother and my sisters and their husbands...for my niece and nephews...and for the Kings whose home provides enough smiles and laughter to make up for some pretty rough days.

God really is good all the time.

Penance

2008-04-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

How the Lord knows our hearts and tells us what we need to hear...

Psalm 118

Let those who fear the LORD say,
“His mercy endures forever.”

If God will continue to forgive me, then I need to show as much mercy as I receive.

I was hard pressed and was falling,
but the LORD helped me.
My strength and my courage is the LORD,
and he has been my savior.

There is no reason to fear or be distressed. He has carried me through more difficult situations. Remember...remember how He has been there...

This is the day the LORD has made;
let us be glad and rejoice in it.

Blessings abound on even the worst days. If I'm so caught up in what is going wrong, how can I see all that is going right?

And I kept reading...

1Peter 1:3-9

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope
through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,
kept in heaven for you who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith,
to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time.

The inheritance is waiting for me. My day of rest will come, if I can just stay faithful...

In this you rejoice, although now for a little while
you may have to suffer through various trials,
so that the genuineness of your faith,
more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire,
may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor
at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

This life isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. I need to be challenged, otherwise my spirit will grow lax. It's just for a little while compared to all eternity...

Although you have not seen him you love him;
even though you do not see him now yet believe in him,
you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy,
as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Can I offer Him a sacrifice of praise? Can I love Him, and believe in Him, and thank Him with the love and faith and gratitude that God alone deserves?

******************************

Dear Jesus,

My heart is being pulled in so many directions. I have a great desire to serve, but I am so easily distracted and it is difficult for me to see what I must do.

You made me a teacher and placed within me a deep love for my students. I have cared for them as my own, striving to share with them the riches and truths of Your Church. I have spent hours upon hours pouring into them all that You have taught me. I have loved nothing more than to see them grow in faith and come to know You as their Lord and friend.

Now I am a wife and mother who longs so much to be at home with my husband and daughter. How painful it is to realize that I don't feel like a mom because work and school take up all of my time. The most I have been able to give my baby are the nights we spend lying next to each other with her resting in the crook of my arm as she has done since the day she was born.

I ask You, dear Jesus, to please show me what You want me to do. I woke up this morning not wanting to leave, but when I sat with one of my girls who needed consolation from a terrible loss, I knew that St. Jerome is where I needed to be...at least for today.

I know I need to be patient. When it's time to leave, I'm sure You'll let me know. You always do. I will wait and trust, and I will give You my heart so you may do with it what You will. We both know that it needs some work...

Love

2008-04-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

I had my eighth graders reflect on their definition of love. One of them added this at the end...

"Sometimes you might think someone does not love you.....remember this..... 'If someone does not love you the way you want them to, it does not mean they do not love you the best way they know how.' "

Wow.

Do the right thing

2008-02-15T15:34:00.000-08:00

It's not easy to teach middle school students...but when you have those teachable moments and they are better people because of it, you know you're making a difference.

I'm doing better. Still tired, but I'm feeling a bit more encouraged today.

Thank you, Holy Spirit. I owe this one to you...

Hanging by a thread

2008-02-12T15:31:00.001-08:00

Breathe...take a deep breath and just breathe. But I want to cry and I don't even know how to just let go and let God. Relax...how? So much to do...barely hanging on...but still believing that He's there. Looking for something...answers to my questions...more questions that never really go away...but it's all right. Nothing's going wrong because I'm surrounded by blessings...I can't forget that. After consuming His Precious Blood, I felt His Spirit fill me...for that moment the exhaustion fled. And then I think about tomorrow...

Oh, Lord...hear my prayer...I really need you right now.

One Day at a Time

2008-02-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

Lots going on right now...the last few months have been a real adjusting period...but life is different these days.

I'm still working at St. Jerome. I'm finishing up my Masters/credential at LMU. I have a daughter and a husband I wish I could spend more time with.

"How are you able to do it?" a classmate asked me this morning, who also happens to have a three-month-old daughter of his own.

I admitted to feeling overwhelmed, but I told him that I had to take things one day at a time. There was no sense worrying about everything I had to get done...I just had to do it. That's what my dad taught me when he was alive.

A couple of weeks ago, I was so stressed out. I felt guilty about not being able to do it all, and then I realized that I couldn't be Superwoman. I had to let go of my own expectations and stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the perfect teacher, wife, mother, sister, and friend. I hoped people would understand, and I could only be grateful for the support that Gary was giving me through it all.

To top it all off, I felt so disconnected from God. I forgot how to talk to Him, and most of all, I couldn't hear Him because I was too busy.

So I decided to put Him first.

After watching Facing the Giants again with my 7th graders, I remembered how important it was to pray...not just in class with the kids and at night before I went to bed...but every moment...every chance I got. I was no longer concerned that my spiritual life had changed dramatically from being full of mysticism to being nothing but complete silence.

I just started talking to Him again. Even if I didn't hear anything right away, I just gave Him my time because He deserved it.

Then viola! the peace returned.

We had a chance to vent today in class...about anything...and I wanted to. But I didn't. I didn't feel like I had to anymore.

I'm actually starting to enjoy the process that life is, even if it's been very challenging.

So all in all, I can't neglect my spirit and I can't stop praying. Because if I do, I'll fall apart. I have to believe that He's there for me.

I have so much more to write, but I've got a RICA review session to go to now.

'Til next time...

Change the World

2008-01-16T17:27:00.000-08:00

"Sanctify yourself and you will sanctify society."

– St. Francis of Assisi

I prayed for more grace today as I waited to receive communion at our school Mass. Thank you, Lord. I think I got it. =)

Welcome to the World - 10/14/07

2007-10-28T23:34:00.001-07:00

Night Prayer

2007-10-06T04:42:00.000-07:00

I'm up and can't go back to sleep...so much started filling my head...good things this time.

My fears have been getting the better of me lately, but I was just reading a couple of nights ago that being afraid and anxious, especially during the last stages of pregnancy, could contribute to a difficult childbirth. So I've been praying more...talking to Jesus...praying for our baby and letting the little one know that I love him/her.

The anxiety had driven me to call upon the help of my guardian angel as well, since we just celebrated the Feast of the Guardian Angels last Tuesday and it was a topic in 6th grade Religion this week. Leilani told me before I lost little Gary that I don't have to feel lonely when I'm by myself because I'll always have the baby and my guardian angel with me. Six-year-olds (at least this one...who is now 7 and growing) have great moments of inspiration to share when you really need them.

I miss my family.

Even though I love coming back to Culver City and going back to work to teach the kids, I get very reminiscent of the times I had with my sisters, brother, mom, and niece when I was living in Buena Park. Things are different now that everyone has their own families and their lives have taken on new directions, but at least I have these entries to read again and again to recall those memories that mean the most.

I've been too busy to update lately, and there's so much to thank God for these last couple of weeks.

Lyn-lyn and Mike had their baby - Joseph Leo - on September 23rd!
Jenn and Dave had their baby - Shane Matthew - on October 1st!
My pharmacist at Walmart in BP is pregnant! She's had problems conceiving for a few years and having a miscarriage also...she's now due a month after me!
Finding out that one of my coworkers at SJS who left last year is also expecting
Watching another pregnant coworker's tummy growing very nicely =)

I've been praying for two of my classmates at LMU who are also trying to start their families - one who has been married for 6 years and another who lost her baby early on last year, too.

In a world that does not offer much safety and security for children to grow up in these days, it is very encouraging to see how much hope couples have to continue to want to be parents. Feeling my own child move within me and nearing the date of arrival, I make promises to myself and to God that I will do my best to raise him/her to love good and shun evil...and I become more aware that we need to give life a chance to flourish through souls who will shine His light. But what kind of future would we have if we never gave these children the opportunity to live? And so I also pray for parents who battle every day against society's negative influences and strive to protect the purity and faith in their families.

"It is not easy," my mom would tell me, "but it is definitely worth it."

Every day that I get up and teach my students, I renew the commitment I have to support the important role parents have to play in the formation of their children. I understand the challenges my kids face as teenagers, but I also advocate for their well-being and they know it.

This past Wednesday after the surprise baby shower from the SJS Faculty and Staff, I walked up to the backyard, only to find my 7th graders - amidst balloons, streamers, food and gifts - blowing party horns and yelling out, "HAPPY BABY SHOWER!!!" Two showers in a row...back to back...I think it took me a good 20 minutes to get over the shock. =)

One of the first things they handed to me was a letter from them to the baby to read when he/she is about 10 years old. I have to share it with you because it made me cry...

Dear Young Reader,

Class of 2009 wants you to know that you have an amazing mother. She has taught us so much and has been there for each of us as individuals. It is as if she is also our mother along with yours. As you grow up, you wil realize what we are talking about. Your mom will teach you everything that you need to know, just as she has done with us. We hate to see her leave for her maternity leave, but as she sacrificed for us, we must for her. Just know that if you follow the examples of your mother, you will be successful in life. Always remember that before you can get to Heaven, you have to live your life holy on earth. Learn from your mistakes, and know that God will always love you. Avoid temptation, for is can lead to sin, but remember that temptation itself is not a sin, for we are only human. Live life truly happy, and don't hold on to things; this means that fame and fortune aren't always the richest things. Carry love wherever you go, but don't be selfish, and share the love to those who need it. Listen to your mother, she loves you very much, and so do the people who have awaited your coming!

God bless you,

Class of 2009

My students are probably more excited about the baby than anyone else I know and I have to be grateful for their prayers and support. When my first year at SJS ended in June, I missed them so much...I think I had withdrawals for a week after school got out. They and my coworkers have been my family out here in LA, and I do love them all so much. It overwhelms me to think about how much greater my heart will expand when I lay my eyes on my own baby for the first time and see the joy on my husband's face.

With such a blessed meeting to look forward to, what reason is there to be afraid?

May God be with us.

+AMDG+

2007-09-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

"It is not particularly difficult to find thousands who will spend two or three hours a day exercising, but if you ask them to bend their knees to God for five minutes of prayer, they protest that it is too long."
– Bishop Fulton Sheen

I think I saw a foot!

2007-08-31T14:17:00.000-07:00

After school I looked down at my tummy and saw (and felt!) something protruding next to my belly button! I lightly massaged the area and the baby moved his/her foot back with the rest of his/her body. That was pretty cool. =)

The first week of school went really well. Aside from being a little tired and having swollen feet from standing all day, I must say that I am so glad to be back with the kids and my coworkers. I'm having a great time trying new things in my classroom and I'm looking forward to the many opportunities I will have to use what I learned in my Ed Psych class from LMU Summer Session.

I haven't had a teacher who has inspired me that way in a long time. Dr. Binfet sparked a new passion for so many different aspects of teaching that I am incredibly grateful for having been taught by him. This guy COMMUTES from Canada to Los Angeles just for his classes on the weekends, and now I see why the school does not want to let him go. Amazing man. He's a farmer and a principal of a small community school, and he has this way with people that makes you feel so comfortable and open to experiencing new things. I've always loved being a teacher, but now that love is reaching a whole new level...and that is exciting.

Good times.

I could use some ice cream right about now...

Streets of NYC

2007-08-15T19:03:00.001-07:00

2007-08-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

Lord, grant me the patience to remain silent when I would rather defend myself,
the humility to receive correction or advice that is given with the best intentions,
and the grace to know that I must always look to You in all situations and circumstances.
Amen.

******************************

"In the Catholic Church, you have to feed yourself. You have to go out and look for what it is that helps you grow."
- Dani Cullens

PRAISE GOD FOR THE EUCHARIST.
Food for the hungry, drink for the thirsty.
Gift from God, waiting for me to receive.
Jesus Himself.
It can't get any better than this.

How Do I Love Thee?

2007-08-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

My relationship with God...I'm not sure exactly what about it is in question...at least in my own mind...but it occured to me in Mass this evening that I do love Him. I may not always feel His presence, but I know He's there with me...especially in the Blessed Sacrament. I think I'd just like to know why I am so hesitant and apprehensive...why I'm not confident in this relationship. Because I know He loves me. I know I love Him. Maybe I feel that I'm not doing enough for Him...that I have to make Him proud of me like I felt I had to make my parents proud of me when I was younger. I have to understand, however, that God is a little different. While I know that my mom and dad did love me and made sacrifices for my well-being, God is even infinitely more loving. If I make mistakes, He is always ready to forgive me and to give me the graces to get back up and try again. I don't have to worry about being a disappointment because He sees that I'm trying. He knows that I'm not perfect and He accepts that. And He's constantly calling me back into His arms, not as a judge but as a Father.

We truly do have such an awesome God.

I think I've been so hard on myself because I thought for so long that I needed to apologize to the world for who I am and what I do. I think I take constructive criticism pretty well if I know it's coming from someone who's rooting me on, but if it's harsh and condemning, it just hurts and makes me want to give up. Now that I'm a parent and have to make decisions with my husband for my own family, I'm seeing that I cannot wait for the approval of other people...for the pat on the back...for the encouragement to move forward in those decisions.

I'm learning...a lot.

Being married and pregnant have both taught me how to grow up. It wasn't that long ago when I honestly looked to my mom and my spiritual director to tell me what to do when I couldn't figure out God's will for my life. Neither of them would give me answers because they told me that ultimately my choices had to be my own because I'd be the one to live with the consequences that came with them. They both gave good advice...most of which I followed...but when I ventured off on my own and took a leap of faith to follow the promptings of my heart, I realized how important it was to know myself deeply and listen to the subtle ways God was guiding me.

Maybe I just had to become comfortable with the fact that I'm not a little girl anymore.

I'm a woman...a wife...a mother...a teacher. I can think for myself, but I'm not all-knowing. People will look at me and see either a lot less or a lot more than what I really am, but God knows what I'm really made of. And it's His opinion of me that counts more than anyone else's. I will not compromise what I know is right and just. I will not conform to the ways of the world. God be my help and my strength, for there will be many who will not understand. I just have to remember the responsibility I have for my own soul and those around me...to love, to forgive, to pray and to serve.

My treasure is in Heaven, and I'm simply making my journey HOME.

Another late night

2007-07-21T00:53:00.000-07:00

Just finished another paper. Whew!

It's been a great week, studying-wise. I'm getting more and more motivated as I move along in my coursework...to the point where I'm starting to like my textbook and looking up journal articles. =)

I've also been doing a lot of additional reading. See below:

Healing by Fr. Francis MacNutt (to reignite the fire for the charismatic renewal)
The Exorcist: More Stories by Fr. Gabriel Amorth (for the nitty gritty on spiritual warfare)
How Smart is Your Baby? by Glenn Doman (to prepare for the education of our little kiddo)
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding published by the La Leche League (for lots of wonderful and much-needed encouragement as I look ahead towards motherhood)

Basically my day goes like this...

7:30 Gary says goodbye to me and Baby and leaves for work

9:30 Wake up and eat breakfast. Then I pick up one of the books I'm reading

11:00 Get ready for Mass and walk to St. Augustine

12:10 Mass at St. Augustine with Fr. Rich (he's been there every day since last week...I guess everyone else is on vacation) + Rosary

1:10 Eat lunch and read again. Do prenatal yoga, if possible

2:30 Take a nap

4:30 Wake up and eat something. Then read/study again

5:30 Make dinner

6:30 Gary comes home. Eat dinner and listen to him talk about his day at work

8:00 Do homework

10:00 Get ready for bed, pray with Gary and try to fall asleep

My summer's been pretty simple. I do get to visit my family once a week and have school with Leilani and Elijah. Jaymee helps me while I teach them about the Great Saints in World History. We have a great time - I really enjoy it and I'm so amazed at how well they read and how much they understand about following God. Very fun. Leilani is so cute because she has to dress up in her St. Pius uniform every time. She calls it her "saint outfit". =) I love it. Can't wait to homeschool!

These days are the best, and I truly cherish them because my schedule will be packed again in August when school starts up again at St. Jerome. I'm a little nervous about how busy I will be once the baby comes, but I'm excited at the same time because at least I feel more equipped to face the challenges I'll have both in the classroom and at home. It helps so much to be going to Mass and receiving communion every day. Even if it's not perfect, life just seems more peaceful.

It's like I'm on retreat or something. =)

Another thought for the day from Gary: "Always look for the good in a situation and it will help you find the right resolution."

Good day

2007-07-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

I got three hours of sleep last night, but life is good because...

I didn't oversleep and I actually got to jury duty on time
The Fullerton Courthouse had FREE wireless internet
I didn't get called for the first round
They sent us all home at 11:30
I just finished my TPA assignment for LMU (the whole thing took me a total of 3+3.5+2+2 = 10.5 hours!)

Every time I've been called to jury duty I've been kicked out of the box for one reason or another. I guess the attorneys just assume that I'll be biased somehow. This time I was preparing to be called in to the courtroom again. I wasn't dreading it because I do find our judicial process pretty interesting, but I was really happy that I didn't have to leave the holding area and got to work on my project the whole time I was there. Whoohoo!!!

See, it's things like this that give me confirmation that God likes me...hehe...especially since I get summoned pretty much every year.

I'm just glad that I got done before the 5pm deadline. Gary sent me the following quote on Monday and I find it holding true for me and my schoolwork for this Credential/Master's program:

Remember that to do a good job you don't have to love what you do, just the desire to do it well.

I will admit to you that I do not like to study. I don't like reading chapters upon chapters at a time and having to write all these papers for school. But ever since I made the commitment to fully apply myself as a student during my last two years at Cal State Long Beach, I can't give any less than my best when I work. It feels good to try hard and to push through something that's difficult and challenging. That's what I expect from my students, so I should be able to follow through myself.

Of course I would rather be finishing my Master's in Theology right now, but this opportunity at LMU is definitely helping me become a better teacher. It's a rigorous program but surely worth the effort. I'm learning a lot about myself and my students, and I appreciate those teachers who truly know the meaning of good teaching.

That's one lesson I know Gary and I will be sharing with our child/ren. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and persevere, even when you're tired or discouraged, because God gave you the skills and the talent to do the kind of work that you do. I know Gary is good at what he does because he's making an effort to learn more on the job and outside the training room. He cares about his players, he prays for his coaches and coworkers, and he even takes what he's gained as a trainer and passes it on to friends and family who might benefit. It was nice to see him and Abie working out together almost every day last week when we were in Vegas. Great bonding between the two of them, and I'm thankful that my husband also cares enough about my brother's health to help him out along the way. Very inspiring!

Okay, I shall be going now. Thanks for reading this random entry. I need a break from this computer screen. God bless!

Caught off guard

2007-07-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

The challenges were definitely not what I expected. The enemy really knows how to get to me, and all I can ever do is pray through those moments. Thank God for a pretty good week overall. I actually didn't come back more disturbed. I returned much more aware...and more grateful. How His grace truly sustains us. Were it not for God's goodness, we would all so easily fall into our most impassioned weaknesses, whatever they are.

Positive points of the past week:

Daily Mass and Rosary in front of the Blessed Sacrament at the Shrine of the Most Holy Redeemer
The Shark Reef exhibit with BIG FISH at Mandalay Bay
Grand Lux Cafe (x2) at the Venetian
Crepes from Paris
Enough hours to rest and some time to study
Quality time with Gary, Abie, and Mommy
The orchestra at Phantom!
Watching Joshua push Jeremiah across the floor in a laundry basket =)

Gary and I also celebrated our 1-year anniversary this past weekend at Glen Ivy, went to Mass at SPC, and ate yummy Hawaiian food at The Loft. I'm very, very blessed to have him for my husband. Happy anniversary, my kane!

I must say that while the enemy is strong, God's love is so much stronger. In those times of doubt, we often question Him...we question ourselves...we question so many things for so many reasons. I remembered all of those days and nights I would spent at St. Peter Chanel and many a church seeking consolation in the face of such a confused future. Kneeling in our "usual spot" with Gary by my side, I was showered with the love of God and the realization that much of what I had been waiting for was found in our relationship. It was all a matter of time, as people would say...but I believe that in the end, it was more of a matter of trust. As I looked up at the image of the Divine Mercy and read the words, "Jesus, I Trust in You", I could only thank God for finally letting me in on what He was doing in my life - especially with this little one growing inside my womb. And it's all so absolutely beautiful...

Off we go...

2007-06-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd go back to Las Vegas. The city and I just do not mix. However, out of familial duties to my mother, I am going to accompany her to her 40th anniversary reunion for UST Medical School. Mind you, I am very hesitant about the trip, considering that I have a hard time even watching TV most of the time for a number of reasons...but I tried my best to somehow make it a vacation I can enjoy as well.

So, I found a Catholic church right down the street from our resort that has daily Mass at 11:30am with Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament from 10am-1pm. It's not SPC, but it'll do to get me through the week. Jesus will still be there, and I'm very happy about that. =) Pray for me, please, because I somehow manage to always come back feeling very disturbed. I don't think I'll be any less disturbed this time, but again...adoration and Holy Communion is adoration and Holy Communion no matter where you are...so it's definitely something to look forward to!

We're also going to see Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian. Gary and I love musicals, so we're excited about that as well. Not excited about the heat, though. I checked the weather and it's 110-113 for the high out there for the next week. Whew!

Okay, time to see my fam bam to celebrate Robby's promotion (congratulations BiL!). Hope you're all enjoying your summer!

We're growing...

2007-06-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

Over a month after my last entry, I find that I don't have a lot to write. Well, I actually do, but I have been spending my time doing a good deal of reading and sleeping and planning for the next school year since my maternity leave will hit a month and a half after school starts.

I have enjoyed my vacation, though. It's nice to wake up whenever I want to and to go to sleep a little later than usual.

So what's going on in my life these days?

more prayer to strengthen my relationship with Jesus
feeling the baby move pretty much every day now
talk with Gary about our kiddo's future
growing comfortable with the pregnancy

Now that we're in the fifth month, I'm appreciating this whole experience in a much more relaxed state...not just because I'm out of school, but because I'm more excited than scared nowadays. I'm also reminding myself that this child is a wonderful miracle...that there is absolutely no reason to complain about things like weight gain, stretch marks, back pains, etc., etc. that come with carrying the baby for nine months and bringing him/her into the world.

Honestly, it's kind of been a challenge for me to stay positive because plenty of people have so many negative things to say and it's easy to fall into that mindset, too. But I don't want to get stuck in all the thoughts about how the baby is inconveniencing us and how my life will be turned upside down by a kid that is more of a burden than a gift from God. I want to remember how blessed I am to be a mother, and how grateful Gary and I are that we even get to have another chance to be parents.

That's why I so greatly admire those parents who live their vocation to the fullest. One of those people was my dad, who did have a difficult time (because I - to say the least - was a difficult child) but plugged along and did his job anyway. I used to ask him if it was hard raising the four of us, and every time he would smile and say that no matter what he would try his best and not think about how hard it was because if he did, he'd just quit. Never once did I hear him complain.

Self-denial...that's something I pray to learn and put into practice.

It all starts with the little things.

Better days

2007-05-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

I believe You have every moment held in Your hands. As I fell asleep last night, I couldn't help but cry out to You to take it all from me and pour Your grace into my life, my relationships, my pregnancy, my job. The cross...it's been heavy lately...but it's times like these that remind me how tightly I need to cling to You.

I've learned not to attach conditions to the trust I place in You. I've learned to accept each blessing and each heartache...even when I'm tempted to say that there is a limit to my openness...I can't tell You that I will stop believing and stop trusting if certain things go wrong.

You love me, Lord, and You love every person who has ever walked this earth. So when we need You...when anyone needs You, You're there. You always have been. I asked You today at Mass if You hear me, and You said You do. You know what I need. You know what must happen and what You will allow to me in order for this life to be fruitful. I don't understand it all, but at least I can find comfort in knowing that I am loved.

It's Pentecost on Sunday. The gifts...they're not dead. The Spirit...He dwells here within us and among us, sustaining our faith and upholding our Church. Jesus, You left us with the consolation that you would be with us until the end of time...as the world passes away...

The parting words of Christ:
"Behold, the hour is coming and has arrived when each of you will be scattered to his own home and you will leave me alone. But I am not alone, because the Father is with me. I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." (John 16:32-33)

In the midst of real life

2007-05-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

People get mad. They say things that hurt each other. Trust is broken. Friendships end. Those involved go their separate ways. It happens.

And then what?

I think that's when God uses circumstances in our lives to bring us back to either face the wounds or work to reconcile with the people whom we have left.

Our hearts were not made to be hardened and He knows that better than anyone else.

So sometimes He'll break us down. Sometimes He'll do whatever it takes to chip away at the walls.

When I see my kids get caught up in each other's conflicts, I can only imagine how much more difficult it will be for them down the road. Because I remember what that was like, not too long ago...

There has to be a better way.

"As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
- Jesus

2007-05-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

You cannot be half a saint. You must be a whole saint or no saint at all.
– St. Therese of Lisieux

I have to stop:

complaining...
worrying...
not putting my trust in the providence of God.

Avoiding sin doesn't cut it anymore. He's calling me to a deeper relationship...something I knew once upon a time...when He was...

EVERYTHING.

Be grateful. Believe that He knows what He's doing. Have faith that somehow life will work out because He loves me.

Can you do that, Marianne?

Can you help me, God?

What gets me through the day

2007-05-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

Eucharist - I could be feeling horrible, weak, tired, or sad and somehow God's power works through the very presence of Jesus entering into the very depths of my soul. I wait for Him each morning and without fail, He always gives me what I need. There is no greater gift...no greater source of nourishment for both the body and soul.

Gary - I am so in love with my husband. I know it's not really like me to sound mushy, but I am. =) Even if I get to sit beside him in Mass for just a couple of minutes out of Ellie's generosity ("Go sit next to your hubby!"), those moments bring so much peace to my heart. It was the best feeling to see him yesterday realize how my tummy has grown and reach out with a smile on his face. He's going to be an amazing dad...

My kids - They're just awesome. I have loved every student I have ever taught at every school I have been in. These are no exception. Maybe my appreciation grows as I get older and more experienced, but everything about where I am fills me with an indescribable amount of inspiration and strength. I landed in a good place. I guess you can't go wrong when you walk into a school and the first thing you see are the words, "Let all who enter experience the love of God."

Ho-hum

2007-05-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm just waiting for my husband to come home...sitting here as my uterus is stretching...hahaha.

Jenn and I have come to the conclusion that a baby is going through growth spurts when you feel your most tired. That was her yesterday, and that is me today. I woke up at 9am, ate breakfast, fell asleep again and didn't get up until 1:30. Wow.

During my brief break from grading papers, I read a children's book that I have called Moses: When Harriet Tubman Led Her People to Freedom. It was so inspiring and very spiritual. I never really knew much about her or remembered what I learned maybe once upon a time, but I'm glad I picked it up because it reminded me of how God can really use one person to make such a huge difference in the lives of people who are oppressed. Hers is a story of victory. She never said she wouldn't or couldn't. She just did it.

You should read this book, too. It's pretty awesome.

I want to have faith like she did. I want courage like that. I want to be able to trust that as impossible as a task may seem, God will give me the grace to complete it.

Taking a Break

2007-04-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

My kids have gone, and it's quiet again...though I must say that I miss them when they're gone. They make me laugh more than they frustrate me, and sometimes it seems like they take care of me more than I take care of myself.

I love being a teacher.

So I just finished some major assignments for my LMU program and I just have to get a final exam in by the end of the week. But at least I get to sleep again... One more year! I really like what I'm learning and I actually enjoy doing the work...it's just hard when you have to juggle school and a full-time job at the same time. In the end, I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Better to get all this out of the way sooner than later.

Good times with my family - Em and I had some quality sister bonding time, and I got to play with Jacob, who gets cuter and cuter every time I see him. It's funny how kids are so entertaining when they're little. As much as they require a lot of patience and sacrifice, the joy that they can bring is invaluable. A part of me wants to have my own child just so I can bring him or her over to Mommy's house to make her happy. I know how much she loves her apos, and that's something I want to give her, too.

Gary came back last night from his trip up north with the baseball team. I was so glad to have him back. Going to church by myself...visiting family...eating dinner...going to sleep without him. It's just not the same. Sometimes I would just lie in bed and tears would start filling my eyes because I would miss him so much...but then he'd somehow find a way to make me feel better by texting me at just the right time. At least he only has one more road trip left. Even if it's hard, it's a good sign that I miss him. If I didn't, I think there would be something seriously wrong with me.

More highlights of the weekend:

Seeing Jane, Ruby, Christine, April, and Cinch at Kappa Formal
"I've finally found what I've been looking for!" - Christine going back to church
"I want to start a Bible study..." - April after reading Purpose Driven Life
Summer with a 7-month pregnant belly (she's having a girl!)
The food at Aela's mom's birthday party =)...yummy!
Rock S.A.L.T. Band during the 5pm LifeTeen Mass at St. Augustine

God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good!

For You

2007-04-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

Saying Yes Just Isn't Enough

2007-04-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

I heard this song playing on the Fish yesterday as I was driving to the Kappa formal...

"I'm Not Who I Was"
by Brandon Heath

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was.
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was.

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago...
But I never got to tell you so.

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was.

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you...

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was.
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was.

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
...I never did forget your name
Hello...

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about...

******************************

Trying to listen to what He was saying to me...just hearing song after song reminded me of a community that I still have...somehow still connected even if our lives have gone their separate ways. I'm so glad that He has been slowly piecing the fragments of my life back together...because I never really left it all behind me.